The 4 Laws of Love: Sex Doesn't Fix Everything - 204

Communication in a marriage is often described as the lifeblood of the relationship. It is the key to understanding, connection, and intimacy between partners. While technology has made communication faster and more convenient, it cannot replace the depth and quality of face-to-face communication.

Microwaving communication, or trying to rush through important conversations or discussions, can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unresolved issues. It is essential to take the time to communicate effectively with your spouse, actively listening and expressing yourself clearly and honestly.

If you find yourself too busy to talk to your spouse, it is crucial to prioritize your marriage and make time for communication by sacrificing something else in your life. Sacrificing other areas of your life, such as work commitments or social engagements, can help you create space for meaningful conversations with your partner which is very important to satisfy his or her needs.

Having the skills and understanding to communicate effectively with your spouse is crucial in maintaining a healthy and thriving relationship and keeps you from getting frustrated or stuck. There are five important elements for successful communication. They are called the five pillars of Communication.

This week we start discussing those pillars and how they fit into our everyday marriage routine. Proper communication in a marriage or the lack thereof can lead you to a fulfilling and wonderful marriage experience, or straight down the road to a divorce.

Check out our website at www.connectingthegap.net for everything about our ministry. We pray you are blessed by this week's episode!

Chapters

• 0:00 Importance of Communication in Marriage
• 9:07 Effective Communication in Marriage
• 15:02 Critical Importance of Patient Communication
• 21:32 Effective Spousal Communication Dynamics
• 32:01 Importance of Respectful Communication in Marriage
• 36:38 Quality Time and Communication in Marriage
• 48:04 Building Strong Marital Communication Skills
• 57:07 Biblical Podcast Ministry

Transcript

Daniel Moore: 0:00

From a woman's standpoint, how do you think they feel about their marriage? Do they feel like they're kind of on an island on their own and like they're having to do everything while he's lazy in the other room? Or what do you think women might think of you, know, in that situation?

Michelle Moore: 0:15

I experienced this in my first marriage and I won't go into a lot of details just because I don't, you know, don't want to do that. But it is common for a lot of men to just expect that their wives come home. They work, take care of the children, give them baths, cook supper, take care of supper, put the kids in bed. And I don't think sometimes it's intentionally from a man, because they're just, they were brought up that way, so there's nothing changed in them, so they just expect that.

Daniel Moore: 0:46

They're kind of repeating what they saw when they grew up.

Michelle Moore: 0:48

And I don't know that they and then some of them, are just downright hey, this is what you're the wife, this is what's expected of you.

Daniel Moore: 0:56

This week on Connecting the Gap, we start the priority of communication. We're going to get back into that right after this. Welcome to.

Aria: 1:06

Connecting the Gap.

Daniel Moore: 1:42

I'm Daniel Moore, your host. Thank you, guys, for joining us this week. If you're not familiar with our show, you can check out our website. That's at wwwconnectingthegapnet. All of our platforms are there our YouTube channel, Rumble Links. We're also on the Christian podcasting app, Edify. You can also visit us on social. We're on Facebook at facebookcom forward slash ctgaponline. If you are a fan of our show, please subscribe. Make sure you're subscribed to get the newest episodes as they come out every Thursday, and feel free to leave a comment on our platforms that allow you to leave comments. Give us a thumbs up or follow our show, whatever the platform may require. Give us a five-star review, and we'd be eternally grateful to you for doing that Well once again this week, I have my wife, Michelle, sitting in with me.

Michelle Moore: 2:26

Hey guys.

Daniel Moore: 2:27

She's right over here and we're about ready to take off on this. We've been going through a series on the four laws of love. It's a marriage series that her and I have been doing together so far and I hope you guys that have listened have enjoyed those episodes. That's been released already. If you haven't go back and check those out, we're only about three episodes, I think, into this at this point so you can go back and just binge those on a day that you have some free time and check out all those episodes and we just pray that those episodes will just bless you and maybe help you in some areas in your life and in your marriage.

Daniel Moore: 3:02

We go through things, we all have baggage, we all have issues sometimes in life that we come across and it's always good to get someone else's take sometimes that's been through things and been there and done that, as they say, and we just pray that these episodes will release them, that they will meet you where you are and help you with whatever thing you're going through right now. Well, this week we're going to be talking about the priority of communication as we continue our episodes here on the law of priority. That's the first law that we've been talking about and this week, communication is going to be the focus of this week's discussion discussion.

Michelle Moore: 3:49

A rather old-fashioned lady was planning a couple of weeks of vacation in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word toilet in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term bathroom commode. But when she wrote that down she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode simply as the BC Does, this campground have its own. Bc is actually what she wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he couldn't figure out what the lady was talking about. That BC really stumped him. After worrying about it several days, he showed the letter to the other campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. The campground owner finally came up to the conclusion that the lady was and must be asking about the location of the local Baptist church. So he sat down and wrote the following reply pleasure of informing in that the BC is located nine miles north of the campsite and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

Michelle Moore: 5:33

I admit it is quite a distance away if you're in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was crowded. We had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a plan to raise money to buy more seats. They plan to hold the supper in the middle of the BC so everyone can watch and talk about this great event.

Michelle Moore: 6:11

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not for the lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more and more of an effort, especially in cold weather. If you decide to come down to the campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, Sit with you and introduce you to the other folks. This is really a very friendly community.

Daniel Moore: 6:41

That's very funny. I think that I think, whenever we read something like this, it shows how easily communication can really get messed up.

Michelle Moore: 6:53

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore: 6:56

And you'd think that at this point in time in history that communication would come easier, because we've all communicated since the very beginning of time. Yeah, so you think that it would be a lot easier to communicate the very beginning of time?

Michelle Moore: 7:04

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 7:05

So you think that it would be a lot easier to communicate the way that we should by now, and you know, after all, experts estimate that 70% of our waking hours are spent either taking in information or giving it out. Yeah, when it comes to marriage, the biggest communication hurdle is simply finding the time to talk.

Aria: 7:24

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 7:24

That's kind of crazy when you really look at that and think about what that really means as you say it, and I think that in a lot of cases that's very true, where it's easy for us to communicate with other people and we'll have conversations with different people there at church and it comes easily but a lot of times, when it comes down to actually communicating with our spouse and having some good, wholesome, healthy conversation, it seems like a lot of times that's kind of hard. And it reminds me of a little story I read once about a husband and wife that were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up and the husband he said, oh well, we never need that. He said my wife and I have a great relationship. She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He said she communicates well and I act like I'm listening.

Daniel Moore: 8:21

You think about that. There's probably a lot of truth to that, to be quite honest, because I wonder sometimes you know we'll be talking and I know everybody that's listening has probably been through this scenario before, where the spouse is talking, the other spouse is yeah, ok, yeah, and they're looking at whatever, they're reading or they're watching TV and they're probably not really registering half of what was just said.

Michelle Moore: 8:45

I'm guilty of that. I have I'm maybe not TV or something, but if I have a lot of things going through my mind, I'll be focusing on what's on my mind versus what you say, and then I'll come back later and like did you tell me that? And you're like yes, I did tell you that. And I'm like I am so sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

Daniel Moore: 9:07

When you're around somebody a lot, the distractions can definitely be an issue, and so my first thought whenever we came up to this section for this week on communication was when you're talking about a spouse, the wife is always right. No matter what you say or she says, she's always right. So I think that's just the end of the discussion this week. But then I thought, well, maybe we need to get a little deeper than that. So that joke's always out there about the wife is always right. But we know that that's not the case. The wife is sometimes wrong, the husband's sometimes wrong.

Daniel Moore: 9:46

And there's always things that you have to work through when it comes to relationships and marriage and being able to properly communicate between each other so that your problems can be solved. And this law of priority, when it comes to prioritized communication, dictates that our marriages must take precedent above every other human relationship or pursuit in our lives, and this is because marriage is a sacred covenant that requires commitment, dedication and a loyalty that's unwavering. By prioritizing our marriages, we are demonstrating our love and respect for our spouse and fostering a deep and meaningful connection with them. Spouse, and fostering a deep and meaningful connection with them, the cornerstone of prioritizing our marriages is communicating effectively with our spouse. Good communication is essential in any relationship, but it's especially crucial in a marriage. Communication can make or break a marriage. Pretty much is what it comes down to. By openly discussing our thoughts and our feelings and concerns with our spouse, we can build trust and strengthen our bond, and it also resolves conflicts in a healthy and a constructive manner. Yeah, rather than leaving stuff on the shelf and just ignoring it and then going back to it and keep going back to it, yep, and just you know adding fuel to that fire. Yeah, going back to it and then just you know, adding fuel to that fire. So when we prioritize communication in our marriages, we're creating a solid foundation for our relationship to thrive and grow. By actively listening to our spouse, expressing our needs and desires and working together to overcome challenges, we are demonstrating our commitment to each other and laying the groundwork for a lasting and fulfilling partnership.

Daniel Moore: 11:26

And I know as we get into this week's discussion, the guys that are probably listening are thinking oh my goodness, we're going to talk about communication. I know guys hate to communicate sometimes. For some reason it kind of comes hard to us on occasion, but in all reality it's not anything about losing your man card or any of this other stuff. I look at it like this now. I probably didn't at one point in my life, but the way that I look at it now is whenever Michelle and I were dating, I did everything I could to communicate with you, because at that point you're trying to win each other's affection, you're trying to win each other's love and a commitment, and so there's always a lot of communicating that goes on.

Daniel Moore: 12:10

Now, sometimes, when you're dating, people still aren't honest with their boyfriends and girlfriends about some things occasionally. So I understand that completely. The communication may still not be a complete type of communication where everything is exposed, because sometimes we do have littleons in the closet that we think might run off our boyfriend or girlfriend, so we may try not to bring those up at that point, but we do communicate a lot whenever. So, as a spouse, as a wife, whenever it comes time to want to communicate with your husband, what is something that you think women expect out of their husband when that communication starts to flow, what reactions and those kinds of things do women expect?

Michelle Moore: 12:57

I think you know honest I mean honesty comes to me. I would rather know your true feelings versus what I want to hear Sometimes. What I want to hear, yeah, that's great, but I really want to know what your honest feelings are. Whether you want to talk about something you don't want to talk about it, whether you like something about me, you don't like something about me. What we're getting ready to go to in the future. Don't tell me what I want to hear. I think being honest and I think that goes to just being like with God. You know, god knows our hearts, so don't lie to me, because he already knows what you're thinking. Right, but I don't want to be the other person of not knowing.

Daniel Moore: 13:43

Yeah, and I think other couples listening, you know, can probably relate to this, to the fact that there was a point in time in our marriage where Michelle would ask me questions and I would be distant with my answers. I might give her an answer to try to just satisfy her, but I probably wasn't giving her the exact answer she was probably looking for. And you know, that was during the time when there was just some of the things that were being hidden and not being exposed and the sneaky stuff that was going on. We have a tendency sometimes, when we're in communication with people that are in situations like that, that we have a purpose behind why we aren't complete with our answers and those types of things need to be solved and taken care of in order for this marriage to flourish. And so it comes back to you're going to have to have some good communication to work your way back out of that hole that you guys have created as a couple.

Michelle Moore: 14:39

Well, and I think also that there was times that probably, if you were going to be honest with me, I probably wouldn't have received it either, I think, because of everything we were walking. So I just you know, I probably would have taken it the wrong way.

Daniel Moore: 14:55

So it kind of there's different ways that issues can come across with communicating that you have to be aware of Now. Couples also need to be more patient communicators with each other, and I think that's an issue that a lot of people sometimes have problems with, because there's people out there that have that matter-of-fact personality and so they just expect, when they say something once, that the other person gets what they're saying and they totally understand they carry out what the command is or whatever it may be, and if you come back and question that or ask them a question about what they just said, they could have a tendency of kind of flipping their lid on you and say, well, I just told you. You know what we're going to get into tone here in just a little bit about how we talk to each other. But it does.

Michelle Moore: 15:40

When it comes to couples, there's a lot of patience that needs to take place and I think I experienced that in my first marriage. You do what you're told and don't ask questions, like you know.

Daniel Moore: 15:52

And then, and so I mean I got when we got married, it was kind of like I kind of turned that way to you sometimes and so those can be a situation where you have verbally abusive situations and if a person that's in a verbally abusive situation, if they're told by the dominant person to do something but that other person doesn't completely understand but they're afraid to ask for a clarification. So they just try to do what they think they're supposed to do, but then they do it wrong. Then they come back at you because you did it wrong. Those types of communication issues aren't healthy.

Michelle Moore: 16:32

No.

Daniel Moore: 16:32

In a relationship. They're not healthy in a marriage, for sure. In many cases, when men have opened up emotionally, the couple's sex life improved dramatically. And you know, as men, we must understand that open and honest communication is one of women's deepest needs. And again I can see all the guys out there thinking, oh great, here we go with this conversation and again the man card thing may come up. But again, and we're going to be talking about this in a future episode but you have to go back to your beginnings and actually that's very biblical and I'm not going to get too much into that because that is in the future. But one thing you have to remember is you know men need sex to feel close. Women need to feel close to have sex. And if you're going to have a good, intimate relationship with each other on both sides of the equation, the men and women actually have different needs when it comes to how they communicate and how they operate.

Daniel Moore: 17:31

Communication in marriage is often described as the lifeblood of the relationship. It's the key to understanding, connection and intimacy between partners. While technology has made communication faster and more convenient, it's never, ever going to replace the depth and quality of face-to-face communications. That's just the way it is, that face-to-face communication that you have with your partner, your devices. You can sit in the living room and text your wife in the kitchen or whatever it may be that you like to do, but they're not going to get the emotion in what you're trying to say. They're not going to, you know, completely understand the context maybe of what you're trying to say. There's just a lot of things that you can't do over a device and it seems like today a lot of people like to fail over to the device because they just don't want to talk to each other.

Michelle Moore: 18:25

Well, in so many things, as the opener you can take things so differently from the device versus face-to-face.

Daniel Moore: 18:35

Right, and so it's very important to make sure that you understand that actual communication one-on-one, face-to-face communication with your partner definitely is the lifeblood of your relationship. As we said before, it can make or break it. Microwaving communication or trying to rush through important conversations or discussions can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings and unresolved issues issues. It's essential to take the time to communicate effectively with your spouse, actively listening and expressing yourself clearly and honestly. In this world of rushing around, especially if you have kids at home, that's probably the easiest example that I can think of You're constantly rushing around trying to push your kids along, especially, you know, getting ready for school in the morning or getting ready for church on Sundays. Or maybe you know you're needing to go somewhere and you're trying to get them to get around and get ready, and that kind of thing. We have a tendency, when that happens, to start trying to live our life at a fast pace.

Michelle Moore: 19:39

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 19:39

Because we're constantly rushing around trying to keep the kids in order and everything else and what happens with that sometimes is that actually falls over to our communication with our spouse and we find ourselves talking double speed to our spouse trying to get our point across in the middle of all the rush that's going on and a lot of times that conflict that we have because of our children a lot of times times is because of miscommunication.

Aria: 20:04

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 20:05

And I think a lot of you out there can probably, you know, put yourselves in a spot where you've probably seen that happen in your relationship as well. So we have to be careful with what we call. You know we like to call this a microwave popcorn society, or whatever, where everything's instant and fast and right there at your fingertips.

Michelle Moore: 20:23

I don't think I've ever heard that, but that's very interesting. I like that.

Daniel Moore: 20:28

It's kind of common to hear that term be said today and unfortunately that's being rolled over into marriages and relationships, and that's not good. If you find yourself too busy to talk to your spouse, it's crucial to prioritize your marriage and make time for communication by sacrificing something else in your life and it may be something you really like to do, so it's going to be a sacrifice, Sacrificing other areas of your life, such as work commitments or social engagements or things of that nature. They can help you create space for meaningful conversation with your partner, which is very important to satisfy their needs.

Michelle Moore: 21:11

Well, if you really think about it, we have to sacrifice our relationship like us die daily for. God. If we're sacrificing for that, we should be sacrificing for our spouse.

Daniel Moore: 21:18

Right.

Michelle Moore: 21:19

And we all know it's hard sometimes to find time to read your Bible pray. All know it's hard sometimes to find time to read your Bible pray. Same thing as a husband and wife you have to make that time to be with them to be able to communicate.

Daniel Moore: 21:32

Yeah, and again it comes back to this whole priority conversation that we've been talking about all along.

Daniel Moore: 21:39

In order for us to have a good relationship with God, we have to sacrifice our priorities and then, of course, in the chain of command, as we've discussed already, the spouse is next in line, below God. So, again, you're going to have some major sacrifices Sometimes they're going to have to be made in order to have that healthy communication that you're going to have to have. And you know, having the skills and understanding to communicate effectively with your spouse is crucial. That helps you maintain a healthy and thriving relationship and it keeps you from getting frustrated or stuck. And a lot of times we get in a rut in marriage and we get stuck, which does cause frustration, which causes anger and resentment. It just starts a whole domino effect of things that takes place, and a lot of times, if you go backwards to see where all of that started, it was because of failed communication, and that's a huge issue when it comes to relationships.

Daniel Moore: 22:36

So this week, as we talk about the priority of communication, there are five important elements for successful communication, and these five elements, they are called the five for successful communication, and these five elements, they are called the five pillars of communication. So the first thing that we need to understand is. It is impossible to communicate with someone that does not care, and I think that that's probably just a universal rule of law everywhere you go. If somebody does not really care at all what you're talking about, whether if it's in your marriage or relationship, or if you're just trying to tell them how to do something, or if you're in your work relationship, it does not matter. If they do not care what you're telling them, it's almost impossible to communicate with that person.

Michelle Moore: 23:18

And you can always tell.

Daniel Moore: 23:20

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 23:20

For the majority of it. You can always tell.

Daniel Moore: 23:22

Yeah, you can tell by the look on their face that this is the last thing they're wanting to be doing right now is standing here talking to you and listening to you ramble about something, and so, as we know, that's not going to really probably get you anywhere when you're in the middle of a conversation like that. It's just going to be impossible to be effective with that communication at that point. Now the first pillar that we want to talk about is tone. The tone of what you're saying is everything in communication. You can say something that's that same sentence one way and then you can say it a different way and it can mean two totally different things or be taken two different ways. And it can mean two totally different things or be taken two different ways.

Daniel Moore: 24:07

Tone communicates care or the lack of it. An example of this we could say, okay, that's fine, I will do it. So let's say my wife is asking me to take the trash out. So I can say, okay, I'll grab that. It's full, it's overflowing, I'll take that out there and throw it in the trash can, and I'll get back. I'll put a new bag in there when I'm finished. Or my wife can tell me to take the trash out and I can look at her and roll my eyes and go, okay, good grief, I'll take it out if you're not going to do it. You know, just here I do everything.

Daniel Moore: 24:39

You know it's like when you have these two different tones you can tell by the way that I said it in one. One way I'm exasperated and kind of aggravated, like it's just interrupting my schedule and, you know, taking time out of my busy schedule to do something. And the other way, though, looks like I'm happy to do it. So one of those two ways shows you that I care. Which way shows you that I cared? The first one, the first one. So what does that do for you if you're already busy in the kitchen doing stuff or whatever? Well, it helps me. How does it make you feel as a spouse when I respond back to you that way?

Michelle Moore: 25:15

Yeah, well, like I said, it helps me. But it also knows that, hey, you care what I'm doing to help you. You're taking your part within the relationship of helping me, because I need that help. So I mean, to be honest, you do so many things for me.

Michelle Moore: 25:33

Now, like even back then you did you probably do a lot more than most men would do, a lot more than most men would do, and I'm very blessed with that, because a lot of times most wives won't even ask their husbands anymore because that's just not normal, they're just not going to do it. So they don't even bother Me if I say, hey, hey, babe, can you do this for me? And you're like, yeah, sure, and because that tone, we work together really well. But I do know that there are marriages out there that people would tell me you're so lucky to have someone that will help you, and to me I'm like this is a partnership. We're married as one, we do everything together as one, and so when you say that and you say, ok, babe, I'll take that trash out, it just makes me love you even more for being a helper.

Daniel Moore: 26:27

Yeah, so when you talk about these women that just don't even ask anymore because they know what the answer is going to be From a woman's standpoint, how do you think they feel about their marriage? Do they feel like they're kind of on an island on their own and like they're having to do everything while he's lazy in the other room? Or what do you think women might think of you? Know, in that situation?

Michelle Moore: 26:51

I experienced this in my first marriage and I won't go into a lot of details just because I don't, you know, don't want to do that. But it is common for a lot of men to just expect that their wives come home. They work, take care of the children, give them baths, cook supper, take care of supper, put the kids in bed. And I don't think sometimes it's intentionally from a man, because they're just, they were brought up that way, so there's nothing changed in them, so they just expect that.

Daniel Moore: 27:23

They're kind of repeating what they saw when they grew up.

Michelle Moore: 27:26

I don't know that they. And then some of them are just downright hey, this is what you're, the wife, this is what's expected of you, which?

Daniel Moore: 27:33

that's I mean. They're dominating and chauvinistic.

Michelle Moore: 27:38

I've been there. I was there for a long time and you know, and this is, I got, got myself in that and just thought, well, you know, this is I want to make sure you know, try to make this work. So you do. But I know some of the other women were just like you're so lucky, and so I know that they probably think you know, hey, she's got a great marriage, he's a keeper, think you know hey she's got a great marriage, he's a keeper and you know.

Michelle Moore: 28:01

But a lot of times a lot of women just get stuck in it and just move and that's just the way their life is. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that, because that's how their marriage works.

Daniel Moore: 28:17

So what do you think about this statement? With a sweet, caring tone, it gives your spouse a sense of value. Frustrated, angry tones will cause a sense of lack of value. Is that pretty much how you felt when you were treated that way? Did you feel like you had value?

Michelle Moore: 28:30

No.

Daniel Moore: 28:31

No.

Michelle Moore: 28:31

No self-confidence. You knew me back then I had no value. I mean I just felt like and you knew me back then I had no value. I mean I just felt like and I'll go back to the fact where I was never told hey, you know you're pretty, you're smart, you're kind, you know you're a great mother, you're a great wife. And when you have that constantly of no one telling you that you don't have nothing except for what you're putting in from God, and so it does create some kind of self-worth, a feeling like you're not good enough.

Daniel Moore: 29:09

So men and women are different and I feel the same as you. I think that if you talk to me, down to me, like that all the time and I really cared that it would probably hurt my value and myself as well and my self-confidence. I think men and women are kind of on the same plane with that. Now, men and women are different as it relates to this issue. They both care about being spoken to properly, but we know that men and women are different in their major needs. Therefore, there are different sensitivities to how we are to communicate with them.

Daniel Moore: 29:43

We have to communicate a little differently. So the woman's most important need that should be met by her husband is security. Need is met by knowing that her husband is tuned into her and will sacrificially meet her needs. Selfless, sensitive man woman feels secure. Selfless, sensitive man woman feels secure. Selfish, detached man the woman will feel insecure.

Daniel Moore: 30:05

So, even though a man may be speaking the right words, if it's in the wrong tone, the communication is going to be unsuccessful. Right, because if she senses that he's saying and doing things out of grudging obligation, that's not going to please the other spouse. She's going to know that there's an issue there and it's going to cause unhappiness and tension between the two. Every word a man communicates should be encrypted, basically with this tone You're the most important thing in the world to me. I love you with all my heart and would sacrifice anything for you. I love you with all my heart and you are worth fighting for. If you have that tone as a man when you speak to your wife, then that makes the spouse feel more valued and secure in the relationship?

Michelle Moore: 30:49

Absolutely it does. But I think also at times that men have a hard time, and maybe it's just because the way I grew up, I don't know. But men have a hard time telling their spouse I love you, or their children or brother sisters, whatever, mom's, dad's and I grew up that way I didn't hear I love you very much, and so that was one of the things and I did in my first marriage. But you better believe I'm going to tell my kids all the time I love you, or I love you.

Michelle Moore: 31:24

I'm really big on that because I didn't have that and I know, because I deeply love that person and I want them to know that.

Daniel Moore: 31:32

Yeah. So just putting this in a nutshell for the guy side, when a man responds to a woman or communicates to a woman, it should always come through as you're the most important thing in the world to me. So I will do anything I can to support you and to love you the best way that I possibly can, not only through what I'm saying to you, but even through my actions, my words and the way that I handle things. So let's look at the man's side now. The man's deepest need is honor. Men are sensitive to the issue of respect, and Michelle can vouch for this with me too. She's probably.

Daniel Moore: 32:10

You've heard me talk many, many times about the respect I wanted out of our kids as they grew up and this is just how I grew up, even. But the way that something is said is as important as what is being said. So the way that you say it is just as important as you saying it to a guy. If something is said disrespectfully to a man, it's going to be difficult for me. If somebody disrespects when they talk to me, it's going to be difficult for me to receive that communication. It's actually going to probably anger me, because that's usually my first instinct when somebody's disrespectful with me because of my personality that I have, and Michelle's on me quite often about this, but I have a tendency to automatically snap back.

Michelle Moore: 32:54

And he's right, he grew up this way, so it is something that God is changing his heart and with my words of encouragement sometimes I'm not saying that it's every time I think that you know it's.

Daniel Moore: 33:07

Sometimes it builds. Yeah, and I think you know, if it continually happens.

Michelle Moore: 33:11

Yeah, and he, you know, as a wife, a godly wife, I just simply say is that how you would react? You know, in a Christian way, is that something you know you would be or do? And that's all I say. And then he, you know, either accepts it or he doesn't. And generally I try to stay away after I say what I have to say. But respect is a big thing for you, I will definitely say. After the 20-some years of marriage I have realized how much it means to you.

Daniel Moore: 33:45

Yeah, and I know a lot of other guys that you know are related to me and friends of mine that are the same way.

Daniel Moore: 33:51

They, you know, respect to them is a huge issue when it comes to communication, and so, again, even if it's a true statement, if it's given disrespectfully to a guy, you can probably expect some back talk or whatever.

Daniel Moore: 34:06

You can expect them to come back at you if you're not careful.

Daniel Moore: 34:09

So always be careful with the tone that you talk to your man, and so this is a good way to look at this. So a woman, when she's communicating with a man, needs to communicate in this tone. Everything that a woman says to a man should reflect that you have with your husband reflects that statement if the husband truly believes that, you know the wife has belief in him and relies on him and has that stability through him. Because, as the leader of the home, most, you know, men should be taking the leadership of the home seriously and we should be taking these decisions that need to be made as we lead our home and everything we should be, you know, putting the most valuable leadership that we can in place. That's our job as the husband and as the head of the home, and so if we can have the proper communication between each other, then the wife is going to speak to the love language of the man and the man's going to speak to the love language of the wife.

Michelle Moore: 35:16

Yeah, and I can say at one point in time we weren't there.

Daniel Moore: 35:19

We weren't, no, and that's very important to make sure that, if you don't have that going on in your relationship right now, you need to fix that, yeah, and make sure that you get on the same page and build each other. We should be building each other up in our communication.

Daniel Moore: 35:34

That's what we should be doing, yes, and so, as a side notice, we finished this one to parents, and this is another place where Michelle and I has already admitted that we failed in the past and we still struggle with this sometimes. Remember this when communicating with your sons and daughters, especially when they're in a time of being corrected or disciplining them. It's important to, at that point, even speak to them in the right way, which I never did. I was always very strict with our kids when they grew up and I always said things I shouldn't, but that again reflected to the way that I was raised. That's not an excuse, but that is the reality of it. I did wrong and I've actually went, and you know I've apologized to my kids. You know a few times about the way that I did make some bad decisions and the way I handled things as we've gotten older here and they become adults. But it's very important with your kids when they're growing up. You need to. We're not going to get into a parenting episode here, but just keep that in mind. With the tone that you talk to your spouses, you need to also use those tones towards your children at the same time.

Daniel Moore: 36:38

So the second pillar we're going to talk about here is time, and, as we know, marriage must be proven in terms and not just words. Where we are successful improving priorities is how much time we're willing to give someone or something on a regular basis. As we made the statement before, you can't microwave communication. We just talked about that. It takes protected, prioritized time on a regular basis. So there's three basic types of communication in marriage and each one requires the proper allotment of time. The first is proactive communication. By proactive, that means sitting down before things happen and having a plan. If you aren't being proactive in communication, then you're being reactive Because we haven't taken the time to talk, listen and pray. We don't have the roadmap on how to get there. So when things happen, we live with high tension and life is nothing but a guessing game. So we've been guilty of this because almost our whole marriage, as our kids grew up and everything we constantly were reacting.

Michelle Moore: 37:45

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 37:46

We really never seemed to have a roadmap in place. We just kind of flew by the seat of our pants.

Michelle Moore: 37:52

Well, there was no manual. Then this is what I always told my children. You know, as your children grow up, sometimes they'll say, well, you did this, you did that and you didn't do this. I'm not going to do this with my kids, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like. There's no manual for raising children. There's no manual for a marriage with raising children on how you should do it. The only thing you know, there is a manual.

Daniel Moore: 38:19

Yep, it's the Bible.

Michelle Moore: 38:22

Yep, what I'm holding right now that you cannot see. We just chose not to. We were selfish and actually kind of living the world. We didn't input that. So I think had we had that and implemented that, I think things would have been differently yeah. I don't say I think they would have been. Yeah, and you know many couples struggle in yeah, I don't say I think they would have been.

Daniel Moore: 38:42

Yeah, and you know, many couples struggle in their relationships because they don't have a plan. They don't even know what they're trying to accomplish with their family, to be quite honest, and a lot of times we didn't know.

Michelle Moore: 38:53

No.

Daniel Moore: 38:53

We were just going along with the flow, and so it's always important to sit down with each other as spouses, especially when you start having kids. You for sure at that point, but even before then you need to have a roadmap and you need to sit down and kind of, you know, plan out how you would like for your life to look biblically, especially, you know, following the word and how the biblical principles are of being spouses and being parents in the Word and how the biblical principles are of being spouses and being parents, and that way, when these issues do come up, you can react to those in a godly way.

Michelle Moore: 39:27

And I think I really like that because listen and pray when I was talking about we haven't taken time to talk and listen and pray. You know, going back to taking time for our spouse, you know, if you and your spouse are taking time to pray together and listen for what God has for you, there's going to be a lot of things that you walk in your life that you are as a couple, are going to be ready for Biblically. You're going to have your armor of God on and you're going to be ready for that season of life, even though it's coming at you hard and heavy.

Daniel Moore: 40:03

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 40:04

And that's definitely very important is praying together.

Daniel Moore: 40:09

Yeah, if we don't do that, you're going to start having these implosions and you're going to start having these moments where your kids are going to start getting rebellious on you. You're not going to know what to do If your spouse something comes up that catches you off guard or catches you by surprise. You're not going to know what to do. So it's just. I think it's very important. I'm glad you brought that back up, because our version of praying sometimes is okay, let's bow our head for a minute and pray for a second about this. Okay, here's what we're going to do. You know that's not effective prayer. Really, you need to take some time. Sometimes issues are a make or break situation.

Michelle Moore: 40:51

Well, you know, if you're taking time for praying over your marriage, if you're praying together, you're praying the hedge of protection over your marriage and pleading the blood over it so that nothing can come through to bust that up. And I think not only that. I mean you're listening to your spouse pray, as you know, which I find sometimes like when we started doing that, it was kind of foreign to me. I'm like who is this and why? You know?

Michelle Moore: 41:16

it took me a little bit to get used to it because we didn't incorporate that early on. So you know it took me a little bit to get used to it, because we didn't incorporate that early on so you know it took me a little bit to get used to it. Just even you sitting next to me in church, I mean there was just it's very important to be able to pray together and letting the other spouse hear you pray and praying as one.

Daniel Moore: 41:35

Yeah, and it's all about getting God's guidance and getting God's plan, and that requires us, as the Bible says, it requires us to just be still.

Michelle Moore: 41:46

That's it. Be still and listen, be quiet and listen. If you don't have an answer, you wait.

Daniel Moore: 41:52

Yep, and God will direct you Absolutely. He will show you the way that you need to go. So a big part of being proactive is keeping God in the middle of that equation, for sure. The second type of communication that couples should nurture is personal communication. So you're probably thinking, well, what's that? Because a lot of people probably don't have that All that really is.

Daniel Moore: 42:15

It's very simple. This is everyday talking, sharing and connecting about personal issues, and when these take place, they need to be done without interruption of any electronic devices such as TVs, computers, phones, tablets, all those nice little things that we have to take up our time. Those need to be set down at that moment when you're having this personal communication, and this allows us to connect and stay unified and to process our thoughts and emotions with each other to stay current and healthy. You know, if we have the daily healthy communication, emotions aren't allowed to become stale and toxic. At that point, 30 to 60 minutes per day should probably be allowed on a minimum for good communication, if it is needed.

Daniel Moore: 43:01

The goal is not to monitor your watch while you're sitting there talking and checking off the box. If your wife comes up, guys, and wants to talk to you about something that's probably the worst thing you can do while they're sitting there talking to you is sitting there looking at your watch like you need to be somewhere else right at the moment. That's not something I would very highly advise. Even for the women, that's not a good idea, but it is, though, a time for honest feedback with each other until the communication needs are satisfied. Yeah, and I love this one, the both of us.

Daniel Moore: 43:33

Uh, we know when our, when our conversation's done, when we know when we're both set. All of you guys out there listening know when you're finally got your questions answered, you finally feel like've got a piece with the situation. That's when that conversation should stop, not before.

Michelle Moore: 43:48

And I don't want to feel like I'm competing with a phone, right? If I'm trying to talk to you, it gets frustrating if you're looking at your phone.

Daniel Moore: 43:55

Yeah, because you know it's like it was when we was talking earlier, where you're asking questions. Yep, because you know it's like it was when we was talking earlier, where you're asking questions. Yep, okay, yep, that'll work.

Michelle Moore: 44:03

I want the honest feedback. They're not taking in anything that was just said.

Daniel Moore: 44:08

You're just responding back to the noise in the back and I'm guilty of that.

Michelle Moore: 44:13

I've done it before, I mean I'm just. I mean we all are guilty of that at times, but this one really is very dear to my heart.

Daniel Moore: 44:22

It reminds me of Charlie Brown's teacher Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, yeah, and you get down.

Michelle Moore: 44:30

It's like what did you just say yeah?

Daniel Moore: 44:34

So it's very important to make sure that we do have that personal time, and I have a little note here that I added. You know, Michelle and I sometimes we've got a deck back here in the back of our house.

Michelle Moore: 44:45

And he made special for me.

Daniel Moore: 44:48

Yeah, it's got some seating arrangements out there and stuff and we'll just go out there and sit down sometimes and just talk and enjoy the stars, or whatever it may be, I love it. Or sometimes we'll go on our front porch We've got a little table out there as well and have a cup of coffee and sit and talk, and those moments are special.

Michelle Moore: 45:07

And you know, I never thought I'd be that old to say let's drink a cup of coffee and go sit outside and birdwatch.

Daniel Moore: 45:13

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 45:13

But here we are.

Daniel Moore: 45:15

But you know, you made a statement there that that necessarily shouldn't be an old person. No, I know we look at the cliche and we always think of it being that way.

Michelle Moore: 45:25

I wouldn't have had time for that earlier on, but now it's. You know, it's one of my favorite things. I mean, I literally absolutely yearn for that. I love going out and just visiting with him and just talking about life, with no phones, nothing, and just sitting outside and enjoying it.

Daniel Moore: 45:43

And we're going to talk a little bit later. We've kind of talked about little vision retreats here and there throughout this series so far and there is a point in time that we're going to actually nail that and we're going to explain why that's important. Or date nights those kinds of things.

Daniel Moore: 45:59

We're going to talk a little bit about that later on because those things do become important in your relationship, and we're going to close this week's episode with this third point here and next week, on the next episode, we'll pick up with the remaining pillars of communication that are involved in these five pillars but on the second, that are involved in these five pillars but on the second pillar here of time.

Daniel Moore: 46:26

The third is intimate communication. So we've already talked about the personal communication and the proactive communication. The intimate communication is communication that is loving, encouraging, praising, affectionate and sometimes guys, there's a little bit of sexual thrown in there and I know the guys would say yes to that. The purpose of this communication is to let your spouse know how much you love and need them. It's when we tell our spouses what we admire the most about them and are most thankful for. You know, five to ten minutes a day of intimate communication can keep a marriage vibrant and can literally transform a marriage. And when I think about this one, I think about people that I know that talk down to their spouses or degrade them all the time, make them feel like they don't know nothing, make them feel like that they're worthless.

Michelle Moore: 47:18

Or they can't do anything. Right, they can't do anything.

Daniel Moore: 47:20

They can't do anything right. Every time they they try to do anything, they get belittled.

Michelle Moore: 47:24

One little thing goes wrong and they get belittled by they just always think they're right, or they're always right and never wrong. It pretty much makes the other spouse feel like they know nothing yeah, and that's not.

Daniel Moore: 47:37

I mean that really works on people's yeah, self-confidence and really who they are, even as a person, let alone how they fit into the marriage. It's actually attacking them personally when that takes place.

Michelle Moore: 47:51

I think, by piece by piece, it really tears them apart. It tears their heart, I mean, because it makes them think this is not who God made me to be, and apparently I'm not. This is not who I'm supposed to be. And apparently I'm not. This is not who I'm supposed to be.

Daniel Moore: 48:04

Yeah, you know, and on this point here I will wholeheartedly admit and give kudos to my wife she's better at this than I am. You know I'll be sitting there on the couch and just out of the blue she'll look over and say, have I ever told you how much I love you? And so I'll sit there saying, no, I don't think you ever have. I always like to tease her a little bit with that, but she does. She's really, really good about just out of the blue, just making little comments and stuff like that here and there. And you know, that's what I love about her, because it does encourage a person and it makes you feel better about yourself.

Daniel Moore: 48:53

And now I'm not saying I know I tell my wife I love her all the time and I'm really bad about probably not just out of the blue.

Daniel Moore: 48:56

I'm not as good at that as she is. I'm still learning in that part of it because, as we've already discussed here in some previous episodes, that was not my love language growing up. But my wife knows how much I love her and I mean she has no doubt. And you know, whenever she'll ask me if this outfit looks good on me or something, I'll tell her she's a hot mama or something like that, and I'm honest with that. I mean, that's, that's true when I say that and you know.

Daniel Moore: 49:21

So, just those little bits and pieces here and there that you can and this isn't something that you've got to 24-7 sit there and try to think what's my next little quippy thing that I'm going to say to make sure she knows that I'm just falling over gushy in love with her. That's not what this is about. It's just about a relationship, just you know, lifting each other up and honoring each other and showing each other that you are the most important person in my life you know, other than God. And so it's very important, and this is probably one of them. I would say that it's probably safe to say that this part of the communication issue is probably one of the ones that would probably, if it started failing first, then the other ones would domino after that Because if you get to a point where you're with your spouse, where you can't

Daniel Moore: 50:14

find yourself where you can encourage or praise them anymore or be affectionate with them, then you're kind of starting down that, going backwards down that road that you don't want to go down, because that is one of the first and foremost things in our relationship as spouses and in a marriage that you need to protect and you need to make sure that each spouse feels like they're the most important person on the planet in any situation that may arise and I know it's hard sometimes when we get at each other or we get backwards with each other about things and we argue or may have a little disagreement or a little fight or whatever but that comes into play where we need to just fix those issues. That's another communication thing. If you start having those issues of arguments and fights or whatever, then communicate your way out of that. Make sure that you take care of it before you finish. As the Bible says, don't let the sun go down on your wrath and your anger. So take care of that before you go to bed at night.

Michelle Moore: 51:13

And the one thing I want to say about this also is and I hope this doesn't offend anybody but when you're in an argument or anything, sex doesn't fix that no you know you may think okay, hey, we are an argument instead of communicating.

Michelle Moore: 51:33

Have that sex and or sex, making love, whatever you want to say, but and then you go on it. That is not communication. That is not taking care of the issue. Yep, it is not a healthy way to finish an argument. Make sure that, if that you are doing that, spend time communicating about the issue. Then go do what you ever want to do.

Daniel Moore: 52:03

Yep, that's a good word for the guys.

Michelle Moore: 52:07

Well, even for women.

Daniel Moore: 52:08

Women do it too, but I think guys are even worse, that if there's an argument in a fight, they don't really want to say what they should say. They're irritated or whatever it may be. To get out of that, they may just try to get their sexual needs taken care of or whatever, and at the same time they think, well, this will make it better. You know, this will put the Band-Aid on the scratch and take care of the whole problem and in all reality, the whole time you're, you know, if your wife actually gives into that and you're actually, you know, doing that the whole time she's probably thinking when's this going to be over with? You know it's like I'm still irritated and aggravated and work, you know, still hasn't been fixed. And you wake up the next morning and this issue is still going. It's not solved.

Michelle Moore: 52:48

Yeah, and I mean we've been there, we were there you know, Yep, so that's very important.

Daniel Moore: 52:54

So, as we wrap up this week's episode here, as we get started into the priority of communication, this is a tough one when it comes to relationships because when you communicate it it just gives the fullness of your heart. You speak your heart, what's in your heart comes out, and a lot of times you know we don't like that, because the truth can be brutal, but at the same time, if there's issues and problems, that stuff needs to come out and needs fixed, and wives, you're going to want to hear the truth before you hear a lie.

Daniel Moore: 53:27

Yeah, and that's very, very important. So is there anything else that you can think of to add to this portion of this discussion this week? No, I think we've pretty well covered that. Next week, when we come back, we have.

Michelle Moore: 53:39

Actually I do have one. Sorry, go ahead. I just want to say on communication part, you know, it's funny because now I look at us 20 some years down the road, I'll get ready to say something and I'm like, well, what do you think? And he'll say exactly what is in my mind. And it's so funny because our communication is so strong now that I can almost like, okay, I know what he's going to say or what he's going to want, and that's because we've practiced this good communication the last several years and it's kind of funny actually. It's like he'll say something. I just start laughing. I'm like that's exactly what I was going to say and I love it. I mean, I truly love where we're at with our communication.

Michelle Moore: 54:23

If I have something going on and I tell him exactly what I'm thinking or saying, he'll come back at me sometimes and not always agree, and sometimes he'll agree and I have to sit there and I have to think and I ponder. I'm like God, you've given me a good sound of advice. Do I take this or do I not? You know, and I pray about it. And then generally you're not going to hear me say this a lot, but usually Daniel's a deep thinker and so he listens really well and he comes back generally with great ideas and suggestions and literally sometimes just just they're amazing. And so a lot of times I usually will take his advice and but I'm so thankful for where we're at on communication and what we've walked through.

Daniel Moore: 55:17

Yeah, I I try to think really deep, so that way I I think she can't read my mind. It's a lot safer that way.

Michelle Moore: 55:27

Oh, okay.

Aria: 55:30

There's a lot of truth to that, though.

Daniel Moore: 55:32

After you're with somebody for so long, and if you really do care about your communication and how each other feels or whatever, you start being able to read each other's mail to an extent, and I think that when that starts to happen, that's a good thing. It's scary to some people to think that because they might have a skeleton in their closet, but if there's no skeletons in your closet, it's a good thing, because that really shows where your relationship is.

Michelle Moore: 55:56

And I think the opposites attract, but yet, at the same time, that's where the communication comes in. Yeah, because you're a different personality, our love language is different. So I think that with communication, any marriage can succeed.

Daniel Moore: 56:13

Yeah, that's right. We're going to go ahead and call it good for this week, and we'll come back next week and finish up this discussion on communication, and we're going to hit a big one next week called trust. Yeah, yeah, that one that's going to be rough. So, if you guys have some trust issues, next week's the week that you need to be listening for sure. But we're going to go ahead, though, for this week and end this episode.

Daniel Moore: 56:40

I want to thank you guys for joining us this week as we are doing this discussion here on the four laws of love, and Michelle and I will be back next week, hi guys, and we'll be back with another new episode, but in the meantime, this show wouldn't be possible without you. So if you're a fan of the show, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts and subscribe to us on your favorite platform, and the links for those are in most of our show notes on most of our platforms. Well, that's all for this week, and as we go, we believe that God's word never fails us. God's word has stood the test of time and, through Jesus' death on the cross, he has connected the gap.

Aria: 57:17

You've been listening to Connecting the Gap podcast. In this world, there are many disconnects that cause chaos in our lives. This podcast is birthed from the desire to share hope and restoration of the power of the gospel by being transparent and open in our biblical walk with God. Each week, we take a few moments as we navigate God's word and peer into other people's testimonies and encourage each other to connect the gap. We upload a new audio podcast every Thursday and a video version of it on YouTube and Rumble. We are also on the Christian podcasting app Edify. You can subscribe to our podcast on many of the available podcasting platforms, including Apple Podcast, spotify, amazon Music, iheart Radio, tunein Radio and more. We are also available on your Alexa-enabled devices. If you would like to contact our ministry for any reason, visit our contact page and send us a message. We hope you are blessed by this ministry. This is a production of Connecting the Gap Ministries.