What Justifies an Affair? The Shocking Reveal! - 209

What Justifies an Affair?

Can romantic love in marriage fade, and how do we reignite the spark to ensure a thriving, God-centered union? In this eye-opening video, we explore the heart of marital romance, its significance, and how neglecting your spouse’s unspoken needs can contribute to relational struggles, including temptations that no marriage should face. Grounded in biblical principles and real-life examples, this discussion takes a deep dive into:

1️⃣ Meeting Your Spouse’s Unspoken Needs - Discover how proactive acts of love can reignite the dynamic, heartfelt romance that marriages need to thrive. Learn why attending to each other without being prompted is essential for maintaining marital passion and intimacy.
2️⃣ Understanding Love Languages - Men and women experience romance differently. We break down their top four marital needs and reveal how embracing these distinctions strengthens your connection.
3️⃣ Communicating Unique Value - Find out why exclusive, thoughtful gestures make your spouse feel cherished and why generic romantic efforts can fall flat.
4️⃣ Empathy in Marriage - Empathy fuels understanding and romance, helping you reconnect through thoughtful care.

No affair is justified, but this discussion shines a light on avoiding relational pitfalls and prioritizing God’s vision for marriage. Watch now for biblically inspired guidance to revitalize your marriage!

Chapters

• 0:07 The Law of Romance
• 11:03 The Language of Romance Evolution
• 14:45 Expressing Love
• 21:53 Navigating Mutual Needs in Marriage
• 31:52 Navigating Romance in Marriage
• 43:15 Maintaining Empathy and Romance in Marriage
• 51:50 Connecting the Gap Ministries Podcast

Transcript

Michelle Moore: 0:07

And I know one thing that Dan and I, anytime we leave for work, we always tell each other we love each other and we give each other a kiss. No matter what time it is, Now I will say on your Bible studies, when you have to be there at like 545, he tries not to wake me up, so he, you know, and then he'll call me when he's coming home, so and then we talk. But you know, I think it's just those small things.

Daniel Moore: 0:31

You're on your own for breakfast those mornings.

Michelle Moore: 0:33

Yeah, and let me just tell you I never wake up on time, so I'm always running around like crazy and because he's not there to wake me up, 1500 times.

Daniel Moore: 0:41

Yeah, on this week's episode of Connecting the Gap, we finish up the law of priority as we finish up this segment on the law of romance. We'll get back into that right after this, if I feel safe. Welcome back to Connecting the Gap Podcast. I'm Daniel Moore, your host. Thank you, guys for joining us this week. Once again, this week, I have my wife, michelle, sitting in here as we are continuing our series on the four laws of love.

Daniel Moore: 1:39

We're going to be finishing up the law of priority this week as we are getting deeper into this study and, of course, we want to tell everybody that we hope you guys had a great new year. We've passed that threshold we're in 2025, so this is our first episode of this brand new year and we're looking forward to everything that God has planned for this podcast throughout this year. We hope you've been blessed over the last four years with everything that's been released with this podcast and we're just looking forward to what God's going to have us to do here in the future. Well, if you are familiar with our show or not familiar with it, either way, you can go visit our website, connectingthegapnet, and, of course, there you'll find everything about our platforms that we're on Our YouTube and Rumble links are there.

Daniel Moore: 2:24

You can also visit us on social, at facebookcom, forward slash, ctgaponline and, of course, as always, if you're a fan of our show and it's important to you to help share our show and get it out there where other people that need to hear it can get a hold of these episodes, then please share this and subscribe. If you don't subscribe, it's a little bit more difficult to know when those new episodes drop, but if you are subscribed, then it'll let you know every week that a new episode is released and, of course, give us a five-star review on Apple. That helps our algorithms as well and helps this podcast to grow and get out there where it needs to be. Well, as I said, this week we're going to be continuing our study on the law of priority and we've been talking about the law of romance. We started that last week and we're going to attempt to finish that up today here on Connecting the Gap.

Michelle Moore: 3:21

Isaiah 29, 13. These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based merely human rules. They have been taught. Think about the most romantic movie you've ever seen. Two beautiful people portray an even more beautiful love on the silver screen, taking your heart on a romantic adventure as they play out passion right before your eyes. But behind the camera. Do these two people really feel that love? They are actors. They are good at what they do. They can make that love story look so very real. Is love really love when given outwardly but not felt inwardly, even though it may look to everyone around you that you are passionately in love? If that love is not genuine in your heart, then it's not love at all. If our worship is born out of true love and intimacy, it will go much farther than outward displays of affection. Our love will permeate our hearts and our lives. We will not just look like someone in love. We will be in love.

Daniel Moore: 4:39

So how does your relationship look? Do you feel like that you guys are actors, just two people just existing together in a household, and you just try to make it look good when it's necessary, when the friends are around or you're at church or wherever it may be? Do you feel like that's your relationship? Are you actually working on keeping that romance alive in your relationship and making sure that that foundation of your marriage continues to be strong? Well, last week we started off talking about romance and, as we discussed last week, we brought up the fact that I know a lot of times, when people think of romantic feelings and romance or whatever, that they always defer over to the sexual side of things. But in all reality, romance is just the foundational flame that actually keeps that love burning inside of you for each of the spouses, between the two of each other. It may be something like you know, michelle and I will be walking at the store or going to the mall or whatever it may be. She may reach over and grab my hand and we'll hold hands as we walk, or sometimes I do that to her. That is a sign of being romantic, trying to keep that romance alive between the two. It may be dropping some, you know, doing a rose order or something for your spouse and just surprising them with that. Over time, michelle and I have done that for each other. It might be writing a sweet little story or a little poem, maybe it's just all those little romantic things, those little romantic gestures, just to make sure that you remind your spouse or your partner how special that they really are, spouse, or your partner, how special that they really are.

Daniel Moore: 6:27

And Michelle and I, over time now, as we've gotten deeper into our marriage we're 20 plus years at this point we've been together for quite a while and we've learned by our mistakes. We've had a lot of mistakes in our marriage. You guys are right here with us on that one. You've been listening to us as we've been laying this all out in front of you. But there are things that Michelle and I have done in the past to be romantic towards each other, and we were digging through our archives, which is basically a book in the box in the closet.

Daniel Moore: 6:58

But we found a few things and I think Michelle's got a couple things that I'm going to have her share with you guys, a couple poems. So one thing that I did when I was single. I went through a really rough time after my first divorce and the personality that I have and this might sound kind of feminine to some of you guys out there, but believe me it's not it was just a way for me to express myself in a way that I felt like I could and I can actually write poetry when I really feel like sitting down and doing it, and there's a lot of poetry that I wrote during that five-year span.

Michelle Moore: 7:40

I bet nobody knew that.

Aria: 7:41

Probably not, that's a surprise for all of you.

Daniel Moore: 7:48

I don't have it published anywhere. It's in a book in my closet and that's the extent of it. That's as far as it goes. But when Michelle and I started getting together, I did incorporate that into my romantic gestures towards Michelle Because I felt like that you know that would be something special and you know she would give me cards and she would write stuff in her cards and send it back to me.

Michelle Moore: 8:12

They weren't poetry, by any means it wasn't poetry, but it was still very special things.

Daniel Moore: 8:16

I mean it did. It made me feel good inside. You know it puts your feelings out there on a card or in a letter, because you've actually just sent me letters, you know, on paper as well. But Michelle actually has a couple poems here that I wrote for her, and so for those of you that are still struggling, trying to figure out what in the world is romance, I just can't figure this out. This is a couple of examples. So, Michelle, go ahead and share what you've got there.

Michelle Moore: 8:43

Okay. So this one. He put on a little plaque that I've kept with me and actually it's been in our bedroom and it always has been in our bedroom since I've got it, but it's titled my Best Friend and it says A friend never lets go. Even when all the bad times begin, they are always there with encouragement. They stay close by you till the very end. A friend shares your pain as the tears begin to fall. They're always by your side with every beckoning call. A friend makes you feel special when everyone looks at you and discuss.

Michelle Moore: 9:17

They will never take advantage or ever break your trust. When you feel you can't go on and you can't make it another day, a friend will hold your hand and be by your side. They will stay. When your heart has been broken and the pain tears you apart, a friend will pick up the pieces and help you find a new start. Friends are friends forever. Secret stands the test of time. You will never again be lonely. The tallest mountain for you I'd climb, nothing will ever compare to you. I will always love you till the end. I will hold you tight forever and you will forever be my best friend.

Daniel Moore: 9:55

So when I wrote that, that was actually previous to us being married, yes, when I wrote that for her and, as you know, as we've talked about, michelle and I, our friendship went way before we actually got married. We've known each other for a long time and but both of us went separate directions, at one point married someone else and it did not work out. However, that friendship that we always had always stayed there, yeah, it probably wasn't as close at times as others because we were married.

Michelle Moore: 10:24

Yes, at one point I was going to say that there was several, like several years that we didn't really talk much.

Daniel Moore: 10:29

We still considered ourselves good friends, but we weren't really best friends necessarily, so you got to be careful with that when you're married. But that friendship did stay there and so when the time came that I ended up being single and then you ended up being single and we were looking at the possibility of maybe having that relationship between us is when I wrote this, that poem there to you, because I just wanted to express to you how I felt about you being my best friend and when you received that from a female side, how did that make you feel?

Michelle Moore: 11:03

Well, it's not very often a guy writes poem, so for you to write that for me it meant a lot. I mean, and it came from your heart.

Daniel Moore: 11:13

And we're going to be talking about some spouse love languages here. It kind of gets into that just a little bit. But she has another one here that she found as well and I think was this one. I can't remember was it after we were married or before.

Michelle Moore: 11:26

Before.

Daniel Moore: 11:27

Okay, this is also one that was before.

Michelle Moore: 11:28

Mostly, a lot of these are before. Yeah, because I always tease him. He never writes a poem. That's what I'm teasing him about, and you'll hear this pop up off and on, because everything was before. There was a few after, but for the majority of the time it was really before.

Daniel Moore: 11:46

So it kind of transitioned from poems to we got cards for each other a lot.

Michelle Moore: 11:52

We wrote letters, a lot of letters, and actually what was so funny is I just had a box of letters and I was like you know what? I just need to get rid of those. And I went and threw them away and I was like, here I am looking for them and I'm like I threw those away. What did I do?

Daniel Moore: 12:07

Unless they're in a totem attic or something. They might be somewhere, but I don't know.

Michelle Moore: 12:10

I have saved them because I go back and read them every now and then, but I threw them away. So this one is titled Dreams. I once had a dream of puzzle pieces scattered across the floor. As I looked at them intently, I recognized places I'd been before. I knelt on my knees and began to assemble them with care as the scene unfolded before me. In every piece, you were there.

Michelle Moore: 12:36

I started with the corner, began to work my way around. There was the day I met you, the day my true love was found. I snapped a few more pieces. A new story did appear. The day we danced in each other's arms created a memory we'll never fear. As the other corner pieced together, I saw the times we talked as best friends and the times we made love, hoping it would never end. We made love, hoping it would never end. As the pieces fell together, a bigger picture I did see, but there still wasn't enough together to tell what it would be. I formed the bottom corner. A new story was told from above all the times we prayed together and shared the wonders of God's love. The end.

Daniel Moore: 13:25

So when it comes to that kind of thing, you know, sharing your heart with somebody like that, that is a very important thing between relationships, and I think it's one of those things that you do seem to do it a lot at the beginning of the relationship.

Aria: 13:46

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 13:47

And it does seem to fade a lot of times later on, although it shouldn't. But it might also transform, because it may not be poetry your whole life until the day you die, and it may not be letters the whole time of your life to the day, but it's other things.

Michelle Moore: 14:01

Right, absolutely your life to the day, but it's other things.

Daniel Moore: 14:03

As you mature in your relationship and as you grow together and continue to figure each other out, then I think some of that stuff kind of transitions into other things, because romance isn't something you just can put in a little bottle. I mean, to me romance is an expansive thing that's really just limited by your imagination.

Daniel Moore: 14:22

I mean if you have the imagination to understand your spouse enough to know what's special to them, this gives you a whole wide variety of things that you could possibly do to help that relationship with your spouse and help that romance to continue to grow. And do you have another one there that you want to share.

Michelle Moore: 14:42

I actually I'm really bad about this. I wouldn't say bad. I will throw little things, whether it may be just a handwritten letter or put it. He used to have a lunchbox. I'd put little things like that, I'd put it in his truck, or I'd leave a letter on the countertop or something, and I always call him my handsome honey. I think you guys already know that that's how I'm in your phone actually.

Michelle Moore: 15:06

Yes, actually he's in my phone now. So, my handsome honey, I hope you have an awesome day. I love you with all my heart. I am so proud of the man you have become. I'm glad you're my man. Xo, love me.

Daniel Moore: 15:20

Yeah, and if you go to my work and you stand there at my desk and you look at my keyboard tray and you look at my monitor, I've got little sticky notes that are stuck across there in the middle of all my other notes that I have something else. She was sitting in my chair at my office, at my desk there, filling up a stack of sticky note cards with all kinds of you're awesome, XOXO, I love you so much, so proud to be your wife, and all of this, and she left it hidden. I didn't know. She did it. And then, I think it was a few days later, I was at work and I happened to grab my sticky notes out of my drawer and as I started flipping through them I was like, well, I better not let my boss see this she just needs to hold down the sticky notes.

Daniel Moore: 16:11

But no, I did, though. I took a lot of those and they're stuck on different spots on my monitor and my desk and I look at those every day, even up on my whiteboard. There's a message up there that she wrote with the erasable marker. That was two or three years ago, I think, when that happened, but it's still there. I never did erase it, I just write around it. I left it there.

Daniel Moore: 16:32

You know, stuff like that is what we're talking about when we talk about this flame of romance that you need to keep alive, and a common misconception about men and women is that women need romance and men don't. That's just a flat out lie. A lot of guys like to try to be the manly man and throw the man card and be tough. You know, around all their friends and act like that. They're all macho or whatever. But that same guy can go home and if he truly loves his wife and truly adores her and everything, she can melt him like butter within 10 seconds. You know it's just one of those things that men need. That as well. We need that reaffirmation of the romance and the love. And the truth is, you know the husband and the wife, the man and the woman. They really both need it every day, but there is a reality to the fact that they need it in different ways. It doesn't really come in the same format usually between the two sexes.

Daniel Moore: 17:28

The four major needs of men and women in marriages are completely different and we've talked about this a little bit prior in another episode already. But as we talk about this romance that women need, there's four major needs that women have, and the first one is security. They need to know that her needs will be met in a faithful manner by a sacrificial and sensitive husband. That's a husband that'll do whatever he can to make sure that his wife feels secure in her relationships and in that home that they share together. A woman also needs open and honest communication. This is very scary for a lot of guys, but when you think about it having unhindered access to her husband's thoughts and feelings through loving, patient and regular communication with him and again, this does not mean you're giving up your man card. You can still go to your buddy's house and play cards or pull and be all macho all you want to, but when you come back home, or if you're around your spouse and she's having some concerns or she's having a bad day, or she's having maybe some negative thoughts about things or whatever.

Daniel Moore: 18:33

The husband needs to be willing to open his heart up and be totally honest with the spouse to help eliminate or alleviate any of these issues that women might have. That is the responsibility of a good, faithful husband, and so that's another thing that women need. They don't need just an excuse. They don't need the guy to come home just throw excuses at them and try to beat around the bush. That does nothing for the relationship. Women also need soft, non-sexual affection that helps them feel valued and cared for as a whole person and not just a sex object, through regular and gentle affection that is non-sexual. They also need leadership, having a husband who is the loving initiator of the well-being of the marriage and the family, but he also treats her as equal. That's very important in this. The guy doesn't want you don't come in as a guy and just act like you rule the roost and what the wife says doesn't matter, and she doesn't really matter in that equation. She's just there to you know, fulfill your every need and cook your dinner, whatever it may be.

Michelle Moore: 19:34

And I think that goes back to what it says in the Bible. I mean, the man is the household, but the woman, you know I go back to Proverbs the woman is wise. You know, and I think that's very important. You know, having a husband, that's just. You know you can be, you can make the final decisions.

Michelle Moore: 19:52

But I also think it's very important as a couple that you know you pray separately and then if you feel strongly about something that your husband is, you know, disagreeing with you about, pray separately, then come together and pray and lay it before God. Pray separately, then come together and pray and lay it before God, because there's going to be times you guys disagree, but there are times that you're always right and there's times that I'm right and you'll admit it and be like okay, that's the decision we're going to go with. So you know, as a wife, don't be afraid, you don't. You want to do it in a very loving manner. You know, if you feel that God's telling you something different, you want to do that in a loving manner, to come across that.

Daniel Moore: 20:35

Well, when we talk about this leadership thing, with the husband being the head of the home, the spiritual head, as you were saying, but yet you being equal, how important is it that I trust you as an equal in our relationship and what does it do for your value and your worth and the actual marriage that we have together knowing that I treat you as an equal? How do you feel like that helps your value? Well as a woman, as a as a general well, and I think you know that comes back.

Michelle Moore: 21:03

I've been in a marriage where I didn't have that, you know, and I felt like I had no self-worth. I had my opinion, my thoughts, nothing I felt like even mattered. So it made me think at times. It's really. Is this what God told me? You know, is this what I'm supposed to be doing? But now that I'm in a marriage that you treat me that way, it's a lot different. It encourages me that you know. Hey, god is speaking to me and I know that that's the case and I'm going to tell you, with that open communication, what I feel like. And so at that point I mean I feel like my word matters and that my self-worth is so much more and I have more self-confidence in our relationship because we have that open communication and I can discuss things with you, and you know.

Daniel Moore: 21:53

Yeah. So if a woman is in a relationship right now and she's not getting this type of leadership structure in her home and she feels like she's worthless, she feels like she's just there like a maid, you know, she doesn't really feel like there's that much of a connection between her and her husband, what encouragement from woman to woman and you, being in that kind of a situation like that, similar to that before what encouragement could you give to a woman that's in that situation right now?

Michelle Moore: 22:22

First and foremost, you are loved. You are loved more than you'll ever know. Um, god loves you and you are worth more than anything. As they always say, he left the 99 for the one. That's you. You know, you think about. You know I'm not. I'm not worthy. You are worthy.

Michelle Moore: 22:43

I would tell anybody to really soak yourself in the Bible. Let God be your husband, let him be of all things to you. And, you know, talk to a minister, talk to, well, a woman. I would say, you know, talk about that in a meeting with them and tell them how you feel. But I would also talk to your husband to open, you know, open his heart.

Michelle Moore: 23:10

Like you know, it's not always that way, but I mean, there was a lot of times that I asked God to change me. Like I didn't understand what was wrong. I thought it was all me. So I kept asking God to change me and change my thoughts and how I perceive things and how I thought of things. But in reality it wasn't just, it wasn't me, you know. And so it was the situation that I was in, and so I began praying that God opened his heart and that God would, you know, show him how he's treating me, although that probably wasn't the right way, but I would definitely seek out, you know, going to speak to a minister and, you know, confide in them, you know, because you can't just keep it all inside, and I think that's where I kept a lot inside and I felt like I just died daily and that's very difficult and it's very dark, I mean, and you don't realize that.

Michelle Moore: 24:09

Yeah, difficult and it's very dark, I mean, and you don't realize that, and I think it's very, very important to soak yourself in the Bible because you are chosen and you are loved.

Daniel Moore: 24:17

Yeah, and definitely marriage counseling should be in the equation.

Michelle Moore: 24:23

Yeah, if it gets to that point, If it's possible absolutely, if both spouses can agree to do it.

Michelle Moore: 24:29

That's probably a good example of when it needs to happen, and I think that was very good suggestions, because I did suggest that and it didn't work out. You know it was never. I don't have a problem, you know, and you know I even hate to give advice on that, just simply because every marriage is so different, every person has different personalities, so how they see things, how they perceive things and take things is so different. So what I say worked for me and may not work for anybody else. So that's one thing I kind of hesitant on how how to say, because that was just my situation with that person.

Daniel Moore: 25:11

Well, the key to it is to, for sure, work on yourself. Make sure that you keep in the understanding between you and God that you are valuable, regardless of what you're being told from the outside. God really defines you, god really says who you are, and you need to stay on the same page with God. At that point, pray about your relationship, pray about your spouse's heart and ask God to work in that situation, and he hears your prayers and he will answer that.

Daniel Moore: 25:40

And then if the spouse if it, you know, if God does get that spouse to a point where they do feel some conviction in their heart to open their heart, maybe then they would be more willing and open to listening to what's going on in the relationship from your standpoint of it, or maybe going to marriage counseling or whatever it may be. But we do know there's cases too where it just doesn't end up working at all because the other person's so stubborn in their ways or they just don't care about the marriage.

Michelle Moore: 26:08

And I think you can go back into the. When we start talking, you know, I always look back at old pictures and I'm thinking oh my goodness, you know, I was so broken in so many ways that I didn't even realize it. I had let myself just be this, and there's nothing wrong with being a plainly lonely girl. But I look back and I could tell that I wasn't happy on the outside or the inside.

Daniel Moore: 26:32

Had no pride in yourself. No.

Michelle Moore: 26:34

No, not at all, and it's surprising that I let myself go like that.

Daniel Moore: 26:40

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 26:41

And I didn't realize it.

Daniel Moore: 26:42

And we do have an episode coming up later on domineering partners, dominant relationships and that kind of thing. We'll get a little deeper into that, but this does have a little bit to go with the romance side of things, though the leadership thing's going to have to balance in the home if the romance is going to work.

Michelle Moore: 27:01

And it can't be a female in a marriage dominating the whole marriage it goes both ways. Yes.

Daniel Moore: 27:08

Yes. So with men, they have four major needs as well. Number one is honor and respect. We like being talked to and treated with dignity and as though we are believed and valued. And of course, men love sex. Having their sexual needs met on a regular and energetic manner that's very important to the guy.

Daniel Moore: 27:29

Friendship with his wife Guys, you know, they relish having their wife as their best friend and doing enjoyable things with them on a regular basis, and Michelle and I can vouch for that. We hardly ever do anything separate. We just enjoy being in each other's company and doing everything together. And then domestic support Guys like to have a wife who is domestically centered and focuses on the needs of the home. That's just some of the major needs of a man. So, as you can tell, between the two genders the husband and the wife those are very different from each other. So there's a lot to navigate there when you're trying to keep these things together romantically and keeping that flame burning within your relationship. But to achieve successful romance it should be mutually beneficial. In ideal marriage, both partners should have their needs fulfilled. Regardless of what your love language is and regardless of what my love language is, we both should understand how to make sure that it works Absolutely and make sure that it's taken care of.

Daniel Moore: 28:29

This requires each spouse to provide what the other one lacks. In other words, both spouses must meet needs in each other that they don't have themselves. You know, women are emotional, men are sexual. Unfortunately, this is often where the relationships falter. The husbands and wives just don't understand each other sometimes and they can't mesh and bring that together where they can actually meet each other's needs. Many married couples struggle to acknowledge their partner's needs as valid, while prioritizing their own needs as normal and significant. When faced with different needs, they often criticize, they often judge, they often reject them in an attempt to mold them to their own requirements. The wife may be saying to the husband no, this is how I want you to be and you're going to be like this. I'm going to make sure of it. Or it might be the husband telling the wife the same thing no, this is what I expect, this is who you are and who you're going to be, whether if you like it or not. This is the way I see it.

Daniel Moore: 29:25

Or we secretly try to change you see it, or we secretly try to change you.

Daniel Moore: 29:32

Yeah, do the grooming thing over 20 years, until it gets to that point. But when you think about this, there's an old saying that kind of goes along with this type of a relationship. It goes like this it says in a marriage, we should become one. But the question is, which one? Should we become the husband or do we become the wife? And well, the solution to this question is that in marriage, becoming one is achieved by embracing and respecting each other's differences, while diligently, faithfully and aggressively meeting each other's needs. Romance blossoms when we comprehend and embrace our partner's needs, then strive to fulfill them in their love language, not ours. So I need to try to fulfill yours and what your needs are. You know what my love language is. You know you have to fulfill my needs according to what mine are. It's not that we're both exactly identical, Right right. So there's a couple examples here that we can kind of share to show a little bit more light on exactly what this looks like.

Michelle Moore: 30:30

And this is out of the book.

Daniel Moore: 30:32

Yes. In example one, george was a very handsome man and a star athlete in college. His wife, tammy, was a beautiful blonde with a petite and shapely body. George and Tammy had a passionate but short dating experience, followed by an elaborate and well-attended wedding. After they were married, they had a great sex life. They were both attracted to each other and enjoyed having sex on a regular basis. But there was something missing. George never touched Tammy outside of the bedroom, even though she lovingly explained to him many times how much she really wanted that. In one instance, tammy reached over in the car as George was driving and took his hand. He immediately pulled it away without saying a word. In hurt and frustration, tammy asked George why can't you just hold my hand While looking straight ahead without any emotion? He responded because I don't do that and I never will. This is how I am and you can take it or you can leave it. George valued sex because it was his need. He completely rejected non-sexual affection because it wasn't his need. That type of selfish insensitivity caused his marriage to almost fail after several years. But thanks to Tammy reaching out to their pastor and his guidance, george changed and their marriage was saved.

Daniel Moore: 31:52

In example two, james and Claudia, dated for five years through college, and most of it was long distance. Both of them were in medical school, at different universities and in different cities. They were committed to each other and talked regularly. It was the prominent feature of their relationship and something that they both enjoyed. As often as they could, they traveled to see each other. When they were together, they were very expressive physically, without going all the way. They were both committed to waiting until marriage to have intercourse. After five years of dating, they got married the month after they both finished their residencies. After five years of dating, they got married the month after they both finished their residencies.

Daniel Moore: 32:32

In their first year of marriage, their sex life was good, but not great. James had much more of a sex drive than Claudia. As time went by, she objected more and more to his advances and she was also increasingly passive during sex. On one occasion when James wanted sex, claudia laid down on the bed naked and said okay, just get it over with. In response, james walked away and spent the rest of the evening watching television in the living room. On another occasion, when James was making sexual advances toward Claudia, she accusingly said to him what is wrong with you. Why can't you get enough sex? Are you watching porn or something? Well, those words were the beginning of the end of James and Claudia's marriage. Two years later, james moved out of his and Claudia's house and moved in with a woman he had met online and had been having an affair with for over a year. Even though Claudia's attitudes towards sex didn't in any way justify James' adultery, it created an unmet need in him that another woman was more than willing to meet.

Daniel Moore: 33:35

Romance occurs when two people go outside of themselves to meet a need or desire in their spouses they themselves either don't have or don't have to the same degree. Romance to a woman looks much different than it does to a man, but we both need it equally. Romance to a woman is emotionally connected, conversational, mostly non-sexual and mal-initiated. Romance to a man is honoring, sexual fun and comfortable. Romance occurs as both spouses become emotionally bilingual. A romantic husband knows how to speak love in his wife's language and a romantic wife knows how to speak love in her husband's language. When both spouses are speaking love in each other's language, a dynamic occurs that propels them to the mountaintop of marriage and keeps them there. The rarefied air they breathe is enjoyed only by the selfless few couples who speak love daily in each other's language. I knew it's going to take a little time to read those, but I thought it was so important to put those two examples in there because it vividly gives a picture of what happens if you're not on the same page.

Michelle Moore: 34:45

Yeah, and I think there's going to be times that you're not on the same page, but you can't be that way all the way all the time Right. You just can't.

Daniel Moore: 34:59

And it needs to be kept to a minimum, obviously, because I know there's times in marriage that it is exhausting. You get tired and you know just stuff happens or whatever. But you need to keep that to a minimum and if there are issues there that are starting to create these problems, they probably need discussed. That's when that communication really needs to start opening up, because you don't want it to get to where Claudia and George were at.

Michelle Moore: 35:25

No, and I think you know, and I think there is a part of the book where we start talking more about the sexual part. But I think you know there's going to be times where you go through seasons of life.

Aria: 35:39

Mm-hmm.

Michelle Moore: 35:40

And I won't jump into much of that because I know it's coming Right. But there is times where there's going to be seasons of. I think you know men have different seasons, women have different seasons in that sexual part.

Daniel Moore: 35:54

Right, yeah, but you know, for the romance side of things, that's something you definitely need to navigate. Don't just ignore it. That's something that you have to make sure that you take care of. Yeah, so, as we continue, the next thing for romance that we come up to here is communicating unique value to your spouse. So we talked a little bit about this as we first started our discussion today. You know, imagine for a moment a wife getting a beautiful and meaningful card from her husband and a big bouquet of roses. Needless to say, she would be ecstatic and appreciative. Be ecstatic and appreciative, but what if she found out that same day that her husband also sent that same thing to her mother-in-law, her sister-in-law and her husband's female assistant?

Michelle Moore: 36:36

God be so mad.

Daniel Moore: 36:38

That's not a good thing. I think you might get some burnt offerings that night when you get home for dinner.

Michelle Moore: 36:43

Definitely not something to do.

Daniel Moore: 36:44

Yeah. So let's flip the script on this now. Think about a husband whose loving wife calls him by his pet name, tiger. Well, for all of their married life, that was her private name, reserved only for him, and that made him feel important and loved. But what if he was at a business function with his wife and overheard her meet a male friend named Bill, also calling him Tiger?

Michelle Moore: 37:10

heard her meet a male friend named Bill, also calling him Tiger, accompanied by an affectionate smile.

Daniel Moore: 37:13

How awkward would that be? That is not good. Nope, Definitely not something that you want to be caught and I just want everybody to know that's not Daniel's pet name and we don't have a pet name, so just FYI. I kind of like Tiger.

Michelle Moore: 37:24

No, let's not even go down that road.

Daniel Moore: 37:26

We're not going to start up on that one.

Michelle Moore: 37:28

No pet names no.

Daniel Moore: 37:31

As we think about these two examples.

Daniel Moore: 37:33

Romance is a deeply personal and intimate expression of love that is dedicated to one specific person, while acts of kindness and consideration towards others are certainly important.

Daniel Moore: 37:42

You've got friendships and you've got other people in your life, we know that. But true romance is characterized by a unique connection and admiration for the person we love. In romantic love, we convey to our partner that they hold a special and cherished place in our hearts. This is evident through the use of pet names or reserved solely for them, by going out of our way to perform thoughtful gestures and actions that we reserve exclusively for that person, thus demonstrating the depth of our affection and care. So what we do for friends or people that we know, what we do for our spouses, really needs to be a more special type of thing on a deeper level, and you don't want to take those deeper level things that you share between you and your spouse and make that a common thing that you do with your friends, because then it takes the meaningfulness out of it Absolutely it does Between the spouses when that happens, it makes you feel no different Right.

Michelle Moore: 38:35

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 38:35

Doesn't make, that makes you not feel that special anymore. So romance serves as a vital and distinctive form of communication within a marriage, allowing us to distinguish and give precedent to our relationship above all others.

Daniel Moore: 39:06

And without the presence of romance, the connection with our spouse can often so if you're not careful it can get to a point where, really, the only thing different in your relationship is your sexual times that you have between each other. Everything else is just an open book for anybody and everybody around you. Romance plays a crucial role in reinforcing the unique bond and special connection that exists between spouses, setting the marriage apart and fostering a sense of exclusivity and prioritization that strengthens the marital relationship. Got to remember that women feel loved and appreciated when their husbands consistently express admiration and demonstrate thoughtfulness through unique and thoughtful words and actions. This can be shown through loving gestures, creative displays of affection, thoughtful gifts, planning special experiences and offering support around the house with the children. Men feel cherished and valued when their wives consistently show unwavering devotion and appreciation through actions and words that cater to their needs and wishes. It is crucial for a husband to feel secure in knowing that his wife's attention and energy are dedicated solely to him and that she hasn't been stolen from him by outside distractions. Romance is the way in which she conveys his irreplaceable importance and position as her top priority in her life.

Daniel Moore: 40:14

So, as we discuss this point here today, we encourage you to think about this area in your marriage. What are the things you do and say on a consistent basis that communicates and shows unique value to your spouse. Maybe you need to make a list of them and see where you're at and maybe then, if that list is awfully short, maybe you need to expand that list a little bit and to show a little bit more romantic expressions towards each other. That's probably a good way to know how well you're doing at it is by making a list of what you really do right now. You know one thing that I always do for my wife every time we, you know, eat a meal, I always tell her say good dinner, hon. I mean, I tell her that almost even if we go to McDonald's, I'll say good dinner, hon.

Michelle Moore: 40:59

And he does. And it makes me laugh because I'm like I didn't make that, but whatever.

Daniel Moore: 41:04

Yeah, but I do appreciate it. I mean, and I want to make sure that, because when I, when you do cook the meal, I'm very sincere about that and, as we've talked about before too, you know, I usually do breakfast.

Daniel Moore: 41:16

I was going to say I always say 98% of the time and you always tell me you know thank you for making breakfast this morning. You know that may seem something simple, but it's very important. I mean even those little things like that mean so much. I mean even those little things like that mean so much it does, because it really shows that you're valued. You know when that time comes.

Michelle Moore: 41:35

And I know one thing that Dan and I, anytime we leave for work, we always tell each other we love each other and we give each other a kiss no matter what time it is, now I will say on your Bible studies when you have to be there at like 545, he tries not to wake me up so he you know, and then he'll call me when he's coming home, so and then we talk. But you know, I think it's just those small things.

Daniel Moore: 41:58

You're on your own for breakfast those mornings.

Michelle Moore: 42:00

Yeah, and let me just tell you, I never wake up on time, so I'm always running around like crazy. And because he's not there to wake me up 1500 times, yeah, because he's not there to wake me up 1,500 times.

Daniel Moore: 42:08

Yeah. So, as you think about this point here, about just different ways that you can show affection, whether if it's through, you know, writing just a simple card or a little letter or a poem, or we've shared several different things in today's episode.

Michelle Moore: 42:22

Yeah, and there's another thing that we did we made little coupon books.

Daniel Moore: 42:25

Yes, we did.

Michelle Moore: 42:33

Like I would when I made his. I would do like a free wash on your truck, you know, or free clean out on your truck, or like free lunch, you know, or something that just literally just the small things that you can do financially without spending money, because there was a time where we were really short with our money, and so, therefore, you just try to do those things that are really meaningful to show them that you love and care for them.

Daniel Moore: 42:56

Yeah, that's just another example of something that you can do. That's a little neat, a little different, but it's a good reminder that you have that each of you are special.

Daniel Moore: 43:07

And you know, there's things that you can do for each other to show that, as we wrap up today, we're going to talk about empathy here real quick. Empathy involves comprehending and sharing the emotions of another person. It requires us to empathize by imagining ourselves in their position and considering their feelings so good. During the dating phase, we naturally exhibit high levels of empathy. We frequently place ourselves in the shoes of the person we are dating, contemplating how our words and actions make them feel, because the last thing we want to do is say something to infuriate your boyfriend or girlfriend and they say okay, I'm done, we're breaking up and I'm moving on. So you're super careful with that when you're dating.

Daniel Moore: 43:47

The presence of empathy cultivates a setting of thoughtful and attentive care that nurtures awesome romantic love. Feeling secure in an environment where our emotions and welfare are appreciated is very crucial. Conversely, when we sense that our thoughts and feelings are disregarded, we experience a sense of vulnerability and unease. So when Michelle and I started dating, obviously my focus at that time was to win her over. I was very attracted to her and really enjoyed all the times that we were together. When I picked her up on a date, there were times I would open the door for her. I might even help her get into the car. When I drove, I was more careful about being safe, so that she would feel protected while riding with me. Well, fast forward, five years later. I don't think that ever happened. You don't think it did.

Michelle Moore: 44:36

Driving safe.

Daniel Moore: 44:37

Yeah, I think I drove safer when we were dating.

Michelle Moore: 44:39

I don't know that you ever drove the speed limit?

Daniel Moore: 44:42

Well, that's not being unsafe. I mean, I, you know, tried to stay out of the ditches and taking shortcuts through the field.

Michelle Moore: 44:48

If you say that, then yes, okay, okay, out of the ditches and taking shortcuts through the field.

Daniel Moore: 44:51

Well, I guess, if you say that, then yes, okay, okay, sorry, sorry, go ahead. But yeah, so fast forward five years. Once we were married and I was secure in our marriage and she was trapped and had nowhere else to go, my careful driving was out the door. Sometimes she would see my road rage and the importance it was for me to stay in the front of the line of cars at all costs.

Michelle Moore: 45:08

There it is.

Daniel Moore: 45:10

She would complain and get on to me sometimes about my driving, but half the time I wouldn't listen and I wouldn't slow down. So the same empathy that I exercised when I barely knew her at that point was out the window Now that we were married. I never put myself into her shoes and considered how important it was for me to listen to her and the things that she cared about. That uncaring attitude escalated in our marriage to where it became a factor in our marriage eventually and became one of the reasons that our marriage was failing. So I'm sure a lot of you out there are probably sitting here thinking of your own episodes of how this has happened in your relationship as well. But it does. It seems like when you're first dating you're super careful about things, but then later, once you're married, it seems like a lot of that kind of goes away. To an extent In your mind you don't think you're being unsafe or whatever, but in all reality you're a lot more loose with how you are. So there's 12 phases of romantic love, and this is something that's been kind of proven over time as marriage counselors have met with people and dealt with people in their relationships. And so when you very first start dating. You have awareness, then you have interest, then you have positive exchange because you're starting to show an interest in each other and you want to date and whatever. That turns into a romantic interest. Then you have high emotional focus. After that there's a positive romantic exchange. Then you have strong feelings of love and passion. This would be during the times of you first being married and that kind of thing, and then you start creating those deepening relational bonds and then after some time of being married it seems to go to normalcy, which means you kind of get into routine or you have a lack of novelty. Then it ends up in reality. That's where you start having conflicts, you start having difficulties, you start having fatigue in your marriage, illness may be coming up. You know life starts happening at that point and if you're not careful it can get to distraction and disinterest which can then at the very end of it, when all of that happens, can cause loss of romance.

Daniel Moore: 47:19

So if you notice in that list that number five is high emotional focus. This is the empathy that is always present when romantic love is kindled. Also notice the escalating passions that occur after high emotional focus exists. It remains there until normalcy and reality cause us to lose our empathy, and romance inevitably fades Sizzling. Romantic love within your marriage is entirely possible and essential, but it requires ongoing, heartfelt commitment. Empathy serves as the conduit through which the heart connects, ensuring that our actions positively influence our spouses. So, as previously mentioned, romance is a fundamental daily requirement for both men and women and serves as the cornerstone for a strong and thriving marriage. It is neither complicated nor challenging. By actively fulfilling the needs and desires of our spouses in a language that resonates with them, in a manner that shows empathy and prioritization, our love and passion will endure. This approach will lead to flourishing marriages characterized by mutual fulfillment and love, in alignment with the intentions of God from the beginning.

Michelle Moore: 48:30

Yeah, so good.

Daniel Moore: 48:32

So I think that's going to wrap up this week's episode for being. You know the law of romance, which is part of the law of priority, and romance is under the law of priority for a reason.

Aria: 48:45

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 48:45

I mean, it's a priority to keep that romance. If you cannot keep that romance alive, michelle and I can look back in our relationship and we can see when that romance burned out. Yeah, and we had to relight that flame again, which was not easy.

Michelle Moore: 49:00

No.

Daniel Moore: 49:01

Next week we're going to be talking about putting work into your relationship. We had to work at it to get that back, to get that back, and we could have avoided all of that if we would have just noticed those signs when that was starting to fail and tried to fix those at that point. But we didn't do it. So is there anything that you'd like to add to this as we close this week?

Michelle Moore: 49:22

No.

Daniel Moore: 49:23

On romance. I think that just the key to this is just keep those little gestures alive. Just keep those little gestures alive, you know hold hands. You know give compliments where they're deserved, or even if just out of the blue it may not be something that they're expecting, just compliment them for something you know.

Michelle Moore: 49:42

Or buy your wife a puppy.

Daniel Moore: 49:48

A puppy, we'll bypass that one. It has its limits. Uh yeah, buy your wife a puppy.

Michelle Moore: 49:56

And he did do that.

Daniel Moore: 49:57

I did.

Michelle Moore: 49:57

Mr Wilford is a very unique puppy.

Daniel Moore: 50:00

Yeah, and I tried to sell him about a thousand times now since I bought him for her.

Michelle Moore: 50:09

So sometimes you know those things are regrets. That's what that comes around to. But no, the small things are very, very important in a marriage and I think it's very daring to the heart from each spouse when you do those.

Daniel Moore: 50:19

Yeah, and if you keep that romance alive, it's going to be hard for your marriage to fail.

Aria: 50:24

It really is.

Daniel Moore: 50:25

I mean, it just comes down to that. So we're going to go ahead and call it good for this week. As we said, that ends the law of priority, and next week we're going to be starting into the law of pursuit and we're going to take off on that one. That's going to be an interesting section as well. Hope you guys have been enjoying this study. Please subscribe and share to the podcast each week. Share this to people that could benefit from this. Everybody that has a marriage has been through things, and even if you don't feel like you're going through this stuff right now, and this series may not be for you, it's still just a good recap, a good reminder. You know of how important it is to keep some of this stuff where it needs to be, and you know you can never, I think, study too much about marriage to keep it stronger. I think, regardless if you're having issues in some of these spots or not, it's always just a good refresher to make sure you don't get to that point.

Michelle Moore: 51:19

And we know everybody's marriage is different. We know every personality is different. We know that it's not for everybody, but you know it's very important to love your spouse and to learn as much as you can to help that marriage.

Daniel Moore: 51:35

So, with that being said, that's the end of this week's episode, and I'm Daniel Moore, and this is Michelle. My wife has been sitting here with me this week as we went through another section of our study on the four laws of love. Well, thank you guys for listening. This show really wouldn't be possible without you. If you're a fan of the show, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Subscribe to us on your favorite platform. The links for most of those are in most of the show notes on the different platforms. That's all for this week, and we believe that God's Word never fails us. God's Word has stood the test of time. Enter Jesus' death on the cross. He has connected the gap.

Aria: 52:28

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