5 Ways to Avoid a Marriage from Hell - 212

Are you looking to strengthen your marriage and avoid the pitfalls that can lead to a relationship full of conflict and stress? In this video, we’ll explore 5 powerful ways to avoid a marriage from hell and build a thriving, joyful relationship that stands the test of time. Whether you’re newlyweds or seasoned partners, these practical tips will equip you to nurture your marriage and enjoy a deeper connection with your spouse.

You’ll discover how to:
✔️ Serve your spouse’s needs selflessly, even when it’s challenging.
✔️ Develop a joyful attitude while putting your partner first.
✔️ Let go of scorekeeping and foster a marriage built on grace and faith.
✔️ Protect the precious time and energy your relationship deserves.
✔️ Stay hopeful, embrace blessings, and persevere in love.

Our tips are perfect for anyone in the marriage niche—whether you’re a couple seeking guidance, a relationship enthusiast, or someone striving to enrich your marital bond. Packed with actionable advice and practical insights, this video is designed to help you avoid a toxic marriage and embrace a happy, harmonious partnership.

💍 Watch now to transform your relationship and unlock the secrets to a successful and lasting marriage!

Chapters

• 0:00 Marriage Requires Effort and Sacrifice
• 8:51 Serving Each Other Creates Heaven
• 12:59 Serving Spouses With Unselfish Love
• 23:19 The Joy of Serving Spouses
• 33:57 Overcoming Marital Scorekeeping With Servanthood
• 46:43 Expect Blessings, Avoid Discouragement
• 52:26 Connecting the Gap Podcast Announcement

Transcript

Daniel Moore: 0:00

Guys for sure don't want to sit down and ask their wives well, what are the things that I do wrong?

Michelle Moore: 0:06

No, but we did.

Daniel Moore: 0:07

Yeah, you have to come to that point. Yeah, you have to do it.

Michelle Moore: 0:11

I mean, we had to be honest with each other. Yeah, to know that you're not going to get frustrated or really mad at me that I wrote those things down. And you know you did the same to me and we talked about those things. And what did we do when we wrote those things and talked about it?

Daniel Moore: 0:29

It became a turning point in our relationship. This week, on Connecting the Gap, we continue our study on the four laws of love, as we continue through the law of pursuit, and we'll be back with that right after this.

Aria: 0:44

Welcome to Connecting the Gap Podcast.

Daniel Moore: 1:18

This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies, and we interview people every once in a while that have a story. I'm Daniel Moore, your host. Thank you, guys for joining us this week. I have my wife, michelle, here with me again this week as we're going to continue our series on the four laws of love. If you're not familiar with our show, you can check out our website at wwwconnectingthegapnet.

Daniel Moore: 1:36

For all of our platforms we're on. We're on YouTube and Rumble. We're also on the Christian podcasting app, edify. You can also visit us on social, at facebookcom, forward slash, ctgaponline, and if you're a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms. Give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, and we'd eternally be grateful to you for doing that. That helps our podcast to grow. So thank you guys again for being here this week. Well, as I said here in the intro, we're continuing our Four Laws of Love study. It's the marriage study that my wife and I have been doing for you guys here for some time now, and this week we're going to continue with that.

Michelle Moore: 2:30

And we're going to be summarized by the simple truth Marriage only works when you work at it. It requires energy and effort. The degree to which we are willing to work at our marriage relationship is the exact degree to which they will work. Here is the big question regarding this issue what are we working to accomplish, or, in other words, what is the point of our efforts? The answer to those questions is simple, but extremely important. Here it is we are working to meet our spouse's needs, and their basic needs are much different than our own. To meet our spouse's needs, and their basic needs are much different than our own. Not only do we not share the same basic needs as our spouses, we typically have a hard time even understanding their needs when they express them to us and ask us for assistance. Therefore, for needs to be met and mutual satisfaction to be achieved in any marriage, one element must be present in both spouses a servant spirit. The greatest marriage on earth is two servants in love. The worst marriage is two selfish people in love.

Michelle Moore: 3:34

To understand this issue, we must realize that when we get married, we are at each other's mercy as it relates to getting our needs met. During a wedding ceremony, we swear fidelity to our spouses. We say vows to each other that contain phrases such as I will keep myself unto you alone so as long as we both shall live. This means we are swearing to God and our spouse that we will not go outside of our marriage relationships to get personal needs met that only our partner should meet. So, to put it in consumer terms, when we get married, there is only one store where we can shop to get what we need, and it is our spouse. Shopping in any other store is forbidden. But what if the store I'm sworn to shop in refuses to serve me or even mocks me when I ask for something? What if they are too busy to wait on me and are distracted by other customers?

Michelle Moore: 4:29

This exact dilemma is experienced by the untold millions of spouses on a daily basis. Here's the fact of married life Every husband has what his wife needs and every wife has what her husband needs. Both of us have stores that contain the exact inventory needed to satisfy our spouses. The proof of that is the pleasure and passion we experience early on in our relationships. We fall in love because we are open for business and energetically meet each other's needs. A servant spirit is always present in the early stages of growing relationships. It is the erosion of the attitude that causes marriage relationships to get stale and go bad. The biggest culprit that causes this is selfishness.

Daniel Moore: 5:16

It is the antithesis of a servant spirit. So I love this concept of the grocery store being stocked. The shelves yeah. I really like that Having everything that you need. And you know, my wife, you like to bake, and a lot of people around us know that you like to bake, because you like to share your baked goods with everybody, because I tell you not to leave them at home, because if you do, I eat them all and I don't need them. Neither do I.

Michelle Moore: 5:41

Yeah, if you do, I eat them all, and I don't need them Neither do I, yeah.

Daniel Moore: 5:44

But in this analogy, though, you know, when you find a cake on Pinterest or whatever, and you're deciding to make this new recipe and you think you have everything, but then, as you get ready to put all these ingredients together and all of a sudden there's one major ingredient that you realize that you don't have it, you know. So what do you do at that point? Do you just try to compromise and then use something else, or concoct something? Do you go to the store and get it? Or you know what would be your scenario in that.

Michelle Moore: 6:15

Well, first, I love Pinterest and, yes, I do find a lot of recipes from that too. I cannot concoct anything because I'm not one of those. Oh, this makes this and this, you can just throw this in here. I'm like nope. So Michelle would go to the store and make sure that she has that, or put it in a weekly grocery list, knowing I'm going to make it.

Daniel Moore: 6:36

Yep, and I'd be the same way, because I really don't bake, that's for sure. I can bake some stuff, but you're much better at that than I am. But when you look at this, you know, when you think of that in a marriage aspect, that happens.

Michelle Moore: 6:51

Yes.

Daniel Moore: 6:52

There are times that I need something and there's times that you need something, and when I come to you I hope that it's there, yeah, and it should be there, yeah. But what happens if it's not there? In a married relationship, you know, if a husband comes to a wife or a wife comes up to a husband and says, hey, this is my need and I need this taken care of. You know, it's part of the recipe, it's the ingredients needed to make this work, yeah, but then they don't have it. They refuse to cough it up and put it there. And if this continually happens over time and over time and over time, then a lot of times is where the affairs start happening. That spouse ends up going to the other grocery store somewhere down the street, where that ingredient just so happens to be there, and then you start having these marital issues.

Daniel Moore: 7:45

And so I love how, with this illustration that you know I do have when you and I got married, I do have everything that you need and you do have everything that I need, because we are two people that God put together.

Daniel Moore: 8:02

So, because we're in a biblical marriage and we really feel like we're with our soulmate, we feel like God's put us together. God doesn't leave gaps, right, you know he makes sure that any of those ingredients that I ever need in my life, that you are going to be able to have those, and vice versa. And so you know there's another illustration here with this that can go with this as well. That might help even bring a little bit more clarity to it here with this, that can go with this as well. That might help even bring a little bit more clarity to it. And, of course, this illustration is a real biblically accurate, but it does give you the picture of kind of what we're looking at here, and it's concerning the difference between a hell marriage and a heaven marriage and, believe it or not, I've actually heard guys before say that they're in a marriage from hell. So this is something that actually happens. There are people that get married that really just don't feel like that. They're where they need to be in their marriage.

Daniel Moore: 8:49

And that's what they call it. But picture this scene in heaven. You know, we're all seated at a banquet table, across from our spouses, with a huge feast of delicious foods in front of us, have this big, huge spread. But there's one problem we can't serve ourselves. Everyone at heaven's banquet table, they have utensils strapped to both of their hands that are way too long to scoop the food and return it to their own mouths. So in heaven, every couple at the table joyfully serves each other. They simply tell the other spouse what food they desire to eat and they are served. It's a beautiful picture of the pleasure and fulfillment that can occur when there is a servant spirit present there.

Daniel Moore: 9:29

So now let's go and describe that hell marriage. Well, a hell marriage has some of the same elements as heaven, which is with a much different spirit involved. Because in the hell marriage the couples they're still seated at that banquet table and they've got this huge, lavish spread in front of them. They also have these long utensils strapped to both of their hands so that they can't serve themselves. They have to serve each other. But at hell's banquet table, everyone is starving, in spite of the fact that there's a feast in front of them. And why is that? They're too selfish to serve each other. And, of course, that's a lot of the reason, probably that they're in hell, because that's just the type of life that they lived, with everybody and everything. So, whether or not we decide to serve our spouses, we'll decide whether or not we want to have a heaven or hell marriage.

Daniel Moore: 10:23

As Michelle was stating earlier when she started us off here, every husband has what a wife needs and every wife has what her husband needs. We can't meet our own needs, you know, like the utensils that are too long to get the food and return it back to our mouths. You know we all get married because we can't meet a lot of our own needs. We need a partner to serve us and to fulfill us us. And, whether we realize it or not, every married couple is seated at a fully loaded banquet table where all of their needs can be completely and delightfully satisfied.

Daniel Moore: 10:51

But it can only happen when both spouses possess a servant spirit.

Daniel Moore: 10:55

It is a simple choice that anyone can make at any time, and that's something that you and I have had to come to grips with over the extent of our marriage, because, you know, we've been very open from the very beginning of this series what you and I have been through and we haven't even really hit all of it, to be quite honest, there's other stuff there that you know may or may not come out in the rest of this series that we go through, but you and I had a problem being a servant to each other for quite some time there in our marriage.

Daniel Moore: 11:28

And you know, as we look back, where you know the things that we've been through and where we've came from, we can see where we failed at being a servant to each other and we can see where we failed to be the fully stocked refrigerator that both of us needed to make sure that all of our needs were being fulfilled and everything. So, from your concept of it, once we started going through these things and we hit our rock bottom and we started into, I guess, phase two what I like to call it of our marriage, how do you think we moved over into having that servant spirit towards each other?

Michelle Moore: 12:08

Well, I think first and foremost is God. You know putting God at the center and you know letting God be your first love and then your husband being your second love. So when you're madly in love with your husband, you set boundaries. You have to set boundaries to put all that junk like.

Daniel Moore: 12:28

I wouldn't say junk, but you know, you're super busy, like with kids or other stuff, you put your spouse's needs and you put what is important to each other first, and the selfishness comes into play, really big, because that was mentioned also, as you opened up, a lot of the reason we ended up where we were is because I was very selfish in a lot of areas, you were very selfish in a lot of areas. And when you have that selfishness going on between two people that are supposed to be cohabiting with each other in a environment where you openly and willfully fulfill each other's needs and serve each other, you can't be a servant if you're selfish.

Michelle Moore: 13:15

No, not at all, and I feel like also, you know when you're in that selfish stage and if you're a blended family, you know you're constantly fighting each other stage. And if you're a blended family, you know you're constantly fighting each other, and so you know whether you're right or I was right neither one of us wanted to accept.

Michelle Moore: 13:33

one of us were wrong. So again the selfishness comes to play in it, because we could not agree to disagree. Well, we agreed to disagree, but it never got solved, and so therefore, we were constantly at each other and I didn't care if I met your needs. You know, all I thought about was myself.

Daniel Moore: 13:49

Yeah, and imagine if Jesus had that selfish attitude. You know, he never went to the cross and he never washed people's feet, he never broke the bread, he never did anything to take care of His people. You know, then where would we even be at as a Christian today? Right, you know, that would totally change the whole concept of what being a Christian is. Our eternity, the rewards we're going to get in heaven someday A lot of that would have a total different look if Jesus would have came to the earth with selfishness and a chip on his shoulder. So, you know, that brings it back to that marriage that we have with Christ, being the marriage that you and I have and that spouses have between each other. He gave us the perfect example of how to be a servant to each other and, as I stated, you know you're a very servitude type person. You love to host. Yes.

Daniel Moore: 14:42

You love to serve other people. There's many, many times that I've actually watched you just put your own stuff to the side, even if it was important. I've seen you put it to the side and you stepped in and done what needed to be done. You're very good at that. It's something I'm still learning. I'm just not quite there yet. He's getting there. See, that's where my full refrigerator comes in, because you got my portion of that in your refrigerator.

Michelle Moore: 15:07

Yes, yes.

Daniel Moore: 15:09

But I'm slowly feeding off of it, so I'm getting better. But as we go through this week's episode, we're going to actually take the word serve and we're going to tear it apart. We're going to use it as an acronym, so each letter in the word serve actually we're going to have it mean something, yeah, and we're going to talk about that here as we finish up this week's episode. So as we look at the word serve, that first letter is S and that S is going to stand for serve what your spouse needs, in spite of what you need, want or understand. So as we start this portion here on the letter S, we need to remind you first of all, as we need to go over a little review here, you need to remember that the four major needs of women in marriage are security, open and honest communication, soft, non-sexual affection and leadership. Husbands in a marriage they need honor and respect, sex friendship with his wife and domestic support. So as we went through that list, it's very obvious Not one of those things were the same. You had a complete different list than what I had. So how in the world do we get along? How in the world is this supposed to work?

Daniel Moore: 16:22

Well, that's where this serve comes in, where we have to understand that, regardless of what you want is in that little list of things that make me, or if the thing that you need in your list, it may not be something that I think much of, but we still have to understand, as a marital couple we have to come together and cross each other's barriers and cross each other's borders and make sure that, even if I don't understand and it's a joke, I guess too that goes on a lot between guys You'll hear them a lot say you know I don't understand my wife, you know she's.

Daniel Moore: 17:01

I forget how that joke goes, but I think everybody out there knows what I'm talking about. We always tease. It's just a tease, you know that you do Because you know a lot of times in all reality and I'm sure it goes the same way the other direction there's things that, as a guy, I do, that you know, makes Michelle think what in the world? You know, what was you thinking there? And it goes vice versa. We always have those things, but in there, and it goes vice versa, we always have those things but there's things that's important to me that you may not understand.

Daniel Moore: 17:30

you know at that moment and the other way around, but does that mean that I just don't do it?

Michelle Moore: 17:34

No.

Daniel Moore: 17:35

That means that I have to step up.

Michelle Moore: 17:38

That's right.

Daniel Moore: 17:38

I have to make sure that I do what needs to be done. And so, when it comes to this because there's many times and we'll get into this later on but you went through a time in your life where you had a lot of physical problems, several surgeries and different things had to be done to take care of some of those, and some of those things messed with your emotions and messed with the core of who you were made. You exhausted a lot and just gave you a lot of issues that you'd never had to navigate before. But yet you still had to be married and you still had to keep up with me and fulfill needs that I had and whatever, and you've done a great job at that. How did you navigate through some of that when you was going through some of your worst times and you really just didn't feel like being there when I needed you to be there, but you were. How did you navigate through some of that?

Michelle Moore: 18:38

Well, you know, first, god, you know he gives me the strength to do some of the things that I know that I can't I mean physically do. But I'm madly in love with you and I want to do things because I love you, I want to see you happy, I want to please you. But, you know, sometimes just pushing past all that with those two things, knowing, hey, my partner would do the same for me, you know, absolutely, I'm going to try to push past that, not always. But I also think communication. You know, if for some reason I can't, I will communicate with you.

Daniel Moore: 19:19

And, of course, through Jesus he gives us the strength. You know that scripture specifically tells us that. You know we can do all things through Christ because he is that strength. But we do want to, you know, come back and say that just because your spouse may have a need at a moment that you are just totally out of it you do have a grace there, absolutely. Sometimes you do have a grace there to say you know what I just this isn't going to happen, right?

Daniel Moore: 19:49

at the moment and that's when that relationship and understanding of each other, understanding the core of you and you, understanding the core of who I am, that's where that comes into play. Yeah, because then that's where I need this. You know, like, if you have that issue where you say I just don't have it in me right at the moment, then I need to understand, I know what's going on with you right at the moment and I need to accommodate that and say, okay, well, what can I do to help you? You know and there's many times you've done that for me where I've just been exhausted and just had a lot of stuff going on. My day didn't go that great If I was working on computers. Something broke or something, you know, just put me in a mood. Honestly, I can say that if I ever get into that situation and I'm venting to you, I know exactly the first thing you're going to ask me and you're going to say well, is there something I can do to help you? That's the first thing you always ask.

Michelle Moore: 20:41

Even though I know nothing about computers.

Daniel Moore: 20:43

Yeah. But you know what? I just appreciate the fact that that really does help change my attitude, even because it kind of calms me down a little bit Just knowing that you do care enough that if there was something you could do to help, you would be right there in the middle of it.

Michelle Moore: 20:59

Well, I think, communication again goes back to communication. You have to be open and willing to talk to your partner and be like. I know you need this, but I can't fulfill this right at this moment.

Daniel Moore: 21:12

Right. So you know, for you guys out there that are listening and you women that are listening out there, when you put these different categories of what guys need and what women's need, just keep this in mind. You know, as a guy, if you're sitting there thinking, ok, you know, tonight's going to be my night and I'm going to get some and whatever, and then your wife comes along and all she wants is just to sit on the couch and snuggle and just have some good heart to heart conversation, and then you're sitting there thinking, well, what in the world? This is not what I'm wanting to do, you know, but that's what she's wanting to do. And then you start thinking, well, she's weird. You know, this is just not right.

Daniel Moore: 21:56

I thought the marriage was supposed to be different than this. You know this is supposed to be about me. You know I'm supposed to get what I want If it goes. And sometimes you got to step out of that mold of, to put that selfishness behind you and you need to feed those needs at the moment for what they need at that moment.

Daniel Moore: 22:21

Yeah, and you know, if you continually ignore a spouse, if they have a need that's being brought up, that's you know something that's really important to them at that moment and then you continually push it off, it doesn't mean that need goes away. Right. That spouse may still have that need and if you push it off long enough, especially if it's something that's intimate or if it's something that's really deep down inside that really needs to be nurtured and taken care of.

Daniel Moore: 22:51

That is where you start having some problems later down the road where they may go to that other refrigerator and see if that ingredient is somewhere else, and that's what you don't want. And so there is a process in this where we have to be unselfish and we have to make sure that we are there to fulfill our spouse's needs to the best of our abilities of what they need, and that they do that in return. That's what makes the marriages flourish, that's what makes them work. So you can look at it like if a waiter, you go to a restaurant and you make an order something that you just love to eat and the waiter looks at that, says, oh, that's disgusting, you need to order this. And then they bring you what they want you to have instead of what you ordered. Well, you're not going to enjoy that meal.

Michelle Moore: 23:38

First of all, I'm punching for not.

Daniel Moore: 23:41

It's his job to get you what you wanted. That's right. It's not his job to sit there and say, no, this spinach is way better than that steak. You're going to eat this spinach. Kind of like a marriage, exactly Between husband and wife.

Daniel Moore: 23:52

It's a good parallel. Yes, it is that server. His job is to okay, you want steak? Do you want that medium? Do you want it rare? Do you want mushrooms on top of it? You know he is there to serve you and give you exactly what you want and what you paid for, and so that's how this marriage thing goes for. And so that's how this marriage thing goes, Guys. If your wife comes up to you or you know wives if your husband comes up to you and says, you know, I need this, don't sit there. No, you need this and totally change to something completely different, that's not the time or place to do that, because obviously your spouse has a need and as spouses you need to come together and try to figure out how to fulfill that. So we need to make sure that when this comes up, that we don't shame our spouses for asking, we don't judge them, we don't reject them, we don't ignore them, we don't give them lectures and trying to make them change, because we know how that goes.

Michelle Moore: 24:50

It doesn't work.

Daniel Moore: 24:52

Just saying Very rarely does that work. The key to this is prioritizing serving, listening to and validating them. That should be your response anytime that this comes up. And strive to make your spouse the happiest they can be and make sure that all their needs are met. That's our job. There should be no unmet needs between spouses. The first E in serve is enjoy serving your spouse and do it with a joyful attitude.

Daniel Moore: 25:17

And Jimmy Evans he told this story once. He said when he was in his early 20s he attended a Christian men's conference. One of the speakers stated that every man should sit down with his wife and ask her to tell him what is wrong with him and then not be defensive about it. That's a recipe for World War III. Well, jimmy thought that was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard of and he had no intention of doing it. And the reason? Because he didn't really want to know. Also, he knew that if he asked Karen, she would definitely tell him she had tried many times and he wouldn't listen. And I think that there's a lot of truth to where you know, probably more so with guys in this situation probably than the women. Guys for sure don't want to sit down and ask their wives well, what are the things that I do wrong?

Michelle Moore: 26:06

No, but we did.

Daniel Moore: 26:08

Yeah, we have to come to that point.

Michelle Moore: 26:10

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 26:10

You have to do it.

Michelle Moore: 26:11

I mean we had and to be honest with each other, to know that you're not going to get frustrated or really mad at me that I wrote those things down and you know you did the same to me and we talked about those things. And what did we do when we wrote those things and talked about it?

Daniel Moore: 26:30

It became a turning point in our relationship.

Michelle Moore: 26:33

Yeah, I mean what you wrote down that drove you nuts about me. I tried working on myself and I was like, okay, god you know, change me from the inside, because my husband needs this and it drives him insane. Now some things I was like get used to it, yeah.

Daniel Moore: 26:53

Whenever we find out the bad things about each other, it's hard to be joyful, yeah, through those moments. But you know, we're all human. None of us are perfect Right, we're going to have little habits and things that are just going to grind and irritate the other spouse over and over. And the problem is, if that's never brought up and ever talked about what happens, it just gets worse. You can't solve a problem if both parties don't know there's a problem there. You can't solve it and you and I definitely, like you said, we've been through that.

Michelle Moore: 27:28

Yeah, and there's still some things like you know, you know what drives me nuts if I ask you to do something and my mind's like, okay, let's get it done now. Your mind is, I'll get to it when I get to it. And what do I do? I start in on it because I'm like, and you're like, I'm going to do it. You know I was going to do this and I'm like that drives me nuts, like you know, and he knows that. But I also know Dan Like it's going to take him time and he'll do it in his own timing.

Daniel Moore: 27:57

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 27:58

So it's like if I ask him, it's like asking weeks ahead, or you know, but I'm it's funny because we work together on that one.

Daniel Moore: 28:07

Yeah, I'm just a lot like Snoop Dogg, I'm just laid back, yeah.

Daniel Moore: 28:14

I don't know about that, but but you know it still works though, because even if you get up and start to do it, I don't get mad and throw the remote at you across the room and try to knock you out because you didn't listen to me. You know I'll usually just OK. Well, if you're going to do this now, I'm just going to get up and help you, because then I feel bad because you asked me to begin with. But that's just a little quirks in personalities, you know, and we as spouses. You just have to learn to accommodate each other in those areas where you can have those times where it bugs you like that, but then you also need to know how to navigate through it Right, because I know it bugs you that I'm like she wants it now, like I told her.

Michelle Moore: 28:59

So it's vice versa. So I mean it's just something. I mean we both love each other and we know how it works, so it's like okay.

Daniel Moore: 29:07

Yeah, and so you know, after all the things that we've been through, you know, you and I, we usually regularly check with each other just to make sure that we're OK. And you know we'll ask, just you know, is everything OK? That's our code language, for are we meeting each other's needs and desires, or is there anything that we need to be doing or that we're not doing?

Michelle Moore: 29:27

Right.

Daniel Moore: 29:28

We always want to make sure we keep that out front. Yep On the floor.

Michelle Moore: 29:31

Communication.

Daniel Moore: 29:39

You know, it's our regular opportunity to make sure that we're both doing well and getting our needs met. Yep, you know, when we ask if we're doing okay between each other, we mean it and we make sure that each other is a priority and we always serve each other with joy. Yeah. You know the ball and chain analogy comes in. You don't want your spouse to feel like they're just a ball and chain on your leg that you're dragging around all the time.

Daniel Moore: 29:55

That's not the way to be married. It needs to be an exciting time in your life that God has put you with the perfect person that can meet your needs. And so when your spouses have an unmet need, we should always be there with a good attitude to serve them. And when they say thank you, you should respond like Chick-fil-A and say my pleasure. You know, serving your spouses with a joyful attitude communicates love, acceptance, value and priority to them and transforms the whole atmosphere of the relationship, because just being thankful for what your spouses do, that changes the whole atmosphere of how you guys live together each and every day.

Daniel Moore: 30:36

Right, right, you know, if I never tell you that, you know this is my pleasure, that I, you know I love you because I'm going to do this, I want to do this for you. If I come to you and say I don't want to do that, I mean that's stupid, that's, I don't have time for that today you do it. You know there's a whole different atmosphere that it puts into play between the two of us depending on how we respond to that. So we always need to serve each other with joy.

Michelle Moore: 31:01

I'm going to go back to the my pleasure. We're both laughing. He can't really see us, but I don't know if anybody's ever seen that video out there that says that's my pleasure video. Like a Chick-fil-A, and there's a guy serving and he forgets to say my pleasure. And you just got to watch the video, Dan and I have watched it multiple times and we just laugh because it's so funny.

Daniel Moore: 31:26

Yeah, the car pulls up with guys in suits and they grab the guy, put a sack over his head and put him in the back seat and you see a pop go off like they just shot him in the back seat. And then this other kid walks up and tells the customer to keep moving on up to the next window. They'll have his total and he's like what happened to that guy? And the employee goes there wasn't another guy. Move on up to the next window.

Michelle Moore: 31:48

It was so because he didn't say my pleasure, I was like it's so funny it's like.

Daniel Moore: 31:59

So now we know how they train them to make sure they say that all the time. Yeah, it's actually on mine and my wife's Facebook page, I believe. If you want to go, look that up.

Michelle Moore: 32:05

I'm just telling you guys, this is what my husband does to me. He'll send me clips of stuff and he just dies laughing and I'll watch it and sometimes I'm like that's hilarious, and then other times I'm like I don't find that very funny.

Daniel Moore: 32:18

Kind of goes right over her head. I just it's not funny.

Michelle Moore: 32:21

Some people find it funny.

Daniel Moore: 32:21

Is that what it is?

Michelle Moore: 32:22

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 32:25

Okay.

Michelle Moore: 32:25

Sorry, sidetracked.

Daniel Moore: 32:27

Yeah, rabbit trail. Well, that brings us to the next letter, which is R, which doesn't mean rabbit, rabbit trail. By the way, r stands for reject scorekeeping and do what you do with the spirit of grace and faith. So, while serving each other is crucial in marriage at all times, it becomes even more significant during challenging periods. This is because it demonstrates the essence of the relationship and determines whether serving our spouse is a virtue inspired by Christ or simply a form of reward for good behavior. Often in marriages there exists a mentality of expecting reciprocal gestures and unspoken agreement of I'll do this for you if you do that for me. However, this mindset in a marriage can lead to a cycle of self-preservation and conditional rewards within the relationship. It creates a dynamic where one feels constantly evaluated based on their actions and expects corresponding compensation. So I don't know if any of you out there that are in a marriage right now have a problem with scorekeeping. Any of you out there that are in a marriage right now have a problem with scorekeeping.

Daniel Moore: 33:35

I was trying to think in our marriage I don't know, did we ever really? I don't know that we ever did scorekeeping earlier, or necessarily you do this and I'll do this Did we do much of that? No, I don't think we ever really did. Even through all the stuff that we went through, we never really, you know, did that kind of thing in our marriage. But I do know people that have done that.

Daniel Moore: 33:57

And it's a very difficult thing when you're keeping score on people, and especially in a marriage. I can see where it would make a spouse feel like they're never good enough or they're never going to be able to fulfill all the needs that need to be fulfilled, because they're constantly thinking okay, now is this going to be, if I do this for my spouse, is this going to get me some good score points, or am I all of a sudden going to be backwards again and have to owe him something else or have to owe her something else because it's not going to be good enough, right, and that's not a mind frame to be in when you're in a marriage.

Michelle Moore: 34:34

Right.

Daniel Moore: 34:35

That's just not a thing that you should be doing. It actually takes the equality thing out of the equation. You know we talked last week about how husband and wives need to be on equal plane, equal territory, when it comes to a relationship, and if one spouse is constantly scorekeeping on the other spouse, I don't know that.

Michelle Moore: 34:53

I've ever heard that before.

Daniel Moore: 34:55

Yeah, I have heard of a few people that I've came across that's actually that's how they ran their marriage and I just didn't feel like that was appropriate. But it almost it's like they're there to just do whatever they ask all the time and fulfill their needs. It's a one-sided relationship a lot of times, to be quite honest, could you imagine being competitive?

Daniel Moore: 35:17

I mean it's horrible, you know, and you should never tell a spouse if they want you to do something for them. You should never say to that spouse, well, I'll do that for you, but you got to do this for me first. I mean that should never be the mentality in a relationship. We need to. You know, as this servant thing goes, we need to be a servant regardless of what we feel like we want at the moment. It goes both ways for sure.

Daniel Moore: 35:44

And a perfect example of this is a letter that a lady wrote once about her marriage. She put my husband has gone through a very difficult time for the past three years due to hurts that he has experienced from people in almost every area of his life. She put and I became the enemy, along with almost every other person in his life. Nothing I did was acceptable to him. One day the Lord spoke to me very clearly and told me that the only open door to my husband's spirit was through sex. He said that I needed to be very careful to keep that door open. My husband wasn't particularly appealing to me at the time because the anger infected every word appealing to me at the time, because the anger infected every word, facial expression and everything else about him, and I was well aware of his feelings toward me. Still, the Lord's words rang in my heart. I knew that it was a strong warning to me and if I weren't obedient there could be devastating consequences as a result.

Daniel Moore: 36:51

God has done the miraculous in their lives and he has been faithful in their marriage to go beyond restoration, she said. I can't adequately describe the strength in our relationship. It is simply amazing. This is definitely not what we consider an option in marriage. I mean, it's you know, if I was treating you that way or any time a treating their other spouse as an enemy and they just lump them into all the other people that they can't stand. The last thing you want to do is give your spouse something that you don't want to. I mean your first thing is you want to just retaliate against that, say, well, if you're going to treat me that way, I'm going to treat you that way also.

Michelle Moore: 37:32

I love the fact that she was obedient and that way, I'm going to treat you that way also. I love the fact that she was obedient, and that's how I mean to listen to God in that.

Daniel Moore: 37:39

Yeah, and the results of it? Yeah, because it would have been much easier and more natural for her to have responded the same way to her husband that he was doing to her Right. He was mistreating her, he was venting his anger toward her for no reason, but in spite of what he did, she responded with grace and a servant spirit and the results of that speak for itself. Her marriage was restored. God brought everything around full circle and they had an awesome marriage after that and they really strengthened.

Daniel Moore: 38:09

And you know, we never think of it that way. I mean, when we start having problems in marriage, it's almost you jump into reactive mode. You know, you start trying to figure out how to save this or how to save that, and a lot of times we leave God out of the equation. And we for sure don't look at it like I'm just going to keep going treating my husband like I always have, that I love him the most, that I'm, you know, going to be sexual with him and all this other kind of stuff, or vice versa. I think that's, as a human, that's not what we think Our automatic thing is. Well, we may be getting a divorce here pretty soon if you keep acting this way. I mean, that's probably the first way that we look at that.

Michelle Moore: 38:53

I think in today's generation. That's what it is. It's a selfish mode world. If you're not fulfilling my needs and you're not doing what I want, then I'll find somebody else to do it.

Daniel Moore: 39:08

Because if a spouse is being mean to you, the last thing you want to do is be intimate with that spouse, right? That is the very last thing.

Michelle Moore: 39:15

I was just saying.

Daniel Moore: 39:16

Because really you would withhold it just to get back at them. I'm going to teach you a lesson.

Michelle Moore: 39:20

She had to be, and I was just sitting here thinking her quiet time alone with God and how he had to mend her heart over time in order for her just even to be obedient and just to do that in general speaks a lot of volumes of her relationship with Christ.

Daniel Moore: 39:41

Yeah, and let's look at a scripture here in Luke, chapter 6, verse 27 to 31. It talks about this exact thing about how we can only defeat a spirit with the opposite spirit, instead of coming back at them with the same thing that they're doing. Instead of you treat me like this, I'm going to treat you the same way. Jesus says that's not the way you do it. He says you treat them with the opposite. Will you read that scripture there? To us it's just the read the scripture part there.

Michelle Moore: 40:12

But I say to you who hear love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you, and from him who takes away your goods, do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you do also to them likewise.

Daniel Moore: 40:49

And this scripture. A lot of times people don't understand it because they feel like that. Well, if I do what this scripture says, I'm enabling them. I know I've had a problem with that in my lifetime. I like to I don't want to say I like to retaliate at people, although I have done that before, but if somebody does something mean to me, I always have the. I always want to come back to them and in some way inform them how I felt about that. You know, and I'm going to get my point across one way or the other to let them know. You upset me about this, you know.

Michelle Moore: 41:26

He is exactly right.

Daniel Moore: 41:28

I'm real bad about that in a lot of ways, you know, a lot of times. But that's this scripture doesn't mean that we're enabling, we're just allowing God to work through us. And I think that if we would look at it like this woman did, you know, she could have not turned the other cheek, she could have just retaliated, but God rewarded her. So what's to say that these times that we come up in our own situations, that we go ahead and turn the other cheek, even when we feel that we come up in our own situations, that we go ahead and turn the other cheek, even when we feel like we're being an enabler, we go ahead and turn the other cheek and come back with the opposite. God may have a victory lined up on the other end of that. We just don't see it, and that's walking in faith is what that comes down to Very hard to do, very hard to do, very hard to do, especially in marriages and in close relationships. But God's way is always the best way, and we do know that. You know these words of Jesus. They have eternal truth to them and they not only direct us to act above our feelings, our prejudices and our offenses, but they actually protect us from a lifetime of destructive and divisive relationships. If we follow what God wants us to do, he's going to make sure to take care of us in all the situations that we go through, and what Jesus understands and is revealing to us in this passage is that if you fight fire with fire, you're only going to get a bigger fire, it's not going to get any smaller. If you want to extinguish that fire, you got to use the opposite. You got to throw some water on it and put that fire out. And so just always remember that, especially in marriages.

Daniel Moore: 43:10

A significant argument may start with a series of minor sarcastic comments or dismissive behaviors. It starts out small. Subsequently, feelings of anger and resentment intensify as each word or action is reciprocated with the same negative energy. What initially was just a small issue escalates into a large and damaging conflict. It is important to keep in mind that, while it may feel natural for us to react in a similar manner to how we're being treated, displaying a spirit of grace and treating others with kindness beyond what they deserve is actually an attribute of Christ, and this approach is key to resolving challenges and potentially harmful situations, and this ethic holds particular importance within the context of our marriages. If we're going to be Christ-like, we have to respond in our marriages like Christ would respond to us, and those rewards are there for us.

Daniel Moore: 43:58

The next letter in serve is V. It means vigilantly protect the time and energy necessary to serve your spouse, and this really comes along with keeping your spouse top priority. While you know anyone, we can all declare God as our top priority. When we do that, it's our consistent habits, such as daily prayers and devotionals, giving tithes, offerings, going to church on the Sabbath and on Wednesdays when doors are open, and more that, that truly demonstrates our sincerity. That shows that we are putting God on the top shelf. Yeah, that.

Daniel Moore: 44:33

He is the most important thing in our life, and this type of discipline not only validates God's position at the forefront of our lives, but it also safeguards it On a continual basis. We continually keep building that relationship because we are proactive about it and we're trying to make sure that that happens. Well, the same can be with our spouses.

Daniel Moore: 44:55

If we put things in front of our spouses all the time and they're not as important anymore then, that's when the marriage starts to fail, and some of them things we've talked about before that you can put work, children, in-laws, hobbies, sports, friendships We've talked about all of this stuff already. These are things that you can put in front of your marriages and you're not going to have success in your marriage when that happens. You're going to have probably a lot of issues where the spouse is going to know they're not a priority. Right.

Daniel Moore: 45:24

And you're going to start to see that decline in the love that you have between each other and the distance between each other is going to start growing, yeah, and you're going to start having those issues between each other is going to start growing, yeah, and you're going to start having those issues. And so it's just imperative that we make sure that we, you know, keep track of all those things in our life that could be habits or routines, customs, ruts that we may be getting into that could cause that division between us and our spouses and unfortunately we brought this up before, but this is so important. Your kids are one of the big ones. You got to make sure that when you're raising your children, you don't let them replace your marriage, and so many parents fall for that.

Michelle Moore: 46:05

We did.

Daniel Moore: 46:06

We had that same problem and we learned the hard way and you know you love your kids more than anything. You brought them into this world and you want to make sure that they're successful. You want to know that. They know that you love them. You want to support them, cherish them. All of that stuff is very, very important. They need to be in a loving environment but at the same time, they don't replace your marriage. Right. And vigilantly protect that.

Michelle Moore: 46:30

And set that boundary.

Daniel Moore: 46:31

Yes, that's why it's important to have date nights and nights that you go out on your own Sometimes you need to leave the kids behind, yeah, and have some you time. So vigilantly protect that. Yes, the last letter in service we closed today. It stands for it's E. It stands for expect to be blessed and don't get discouraged and give up so good.

Daniel Moore: 47:01

One of the things that happens sometimes is we'll have obstacles in our marriage. That seems like we're just on a worm crawl. We want things to move forward quicker and things you know our love to grow faster and us to accomplish more as a couple. So you know, quickly Well, sometimes quick isn't the word Sometimes things move rather slowly and sometimes you move two steps forward and 10 steps backwards. I mean, we've all experienced that and that will cause people to want to give up If you continually have you got to remember a lot of this stuff. That comes up is Satan. You know he doesn't want your marriage to flourish. That comes up is Satan. You know he doesn't want your marriage to flourish. So he totally enjoys when you make three steps progress and you get shoved seven extra steps backwards. That just especially if you get mad about it Right and you start letting it eat at you and start to come between you and that relationship that you have with your spouse. That's what Satan wants. He loves that. That's his heyday. But we've got to make sure that whenever we have this relationship, we need to have an expectation that we are going to be blessed because we are in a matrimonial relationship that God has set. Yes, he's the one that put us together, so he's going to bless that because it's something he created. And we got to make sure that, you know, we don't make the mistake of just giving up on that with discouragement.

Daniel Moore: 48:25

In Luke, chapter 6, it says but if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good and lend, hoping for nothing in return. And what happens? Your reward is going to be great.

Daniel Moore: 48:56

You're going to be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and the evil. Therefore, be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not you shall not be judged. Condemn not you shall not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be put into your bosom, for with the same measure that.

Daniel Moore: 49:23

That's Luke, chapter 6, 28 to 32. That's a promise. You've seen. You feel like God has blessed our marriage. Yes, where we're at right now, I feel the same way, and that's because you and I made steps to fix everything and we put God first and made sure that we kept it that way. When everything crashed and burned, we brought it back again and put it where it needed to be. So expect a blessing If you are married to your spouse. Make sure that you love them to the fullest extent that you can Be that servant that God has called you to be. Do you have anything that you want to add to any of what we've talked about today? No.

Daniel Moore: 50:04

Well, we're going to go ahead and wrap up this episode. Reading passages about showing love to enemies and those who wrong us can present a significant challenge At times. Our own spouses may align with these descriptions, and loving them despite their actions can feel like an insurmountable task. The key to handling this effectively is to shift our focus away from their behavior and instead concentrate on the promises of Jesus. Replace the anger you have toward your spouse and seeing all of their mistakes and where they're messing up all the time. You have toward your spouse and seeing all of their mistakes and where they're messing up all the time. We need to blind ourselves to that and instead concentrate on the promises of Jesus.

Daniel Moore: 50:43

If we turn the other cheek, as the scripture says, and allow God to work through us in that aspect, god will fix the rest. We just have to give him a chance to work. He assures that if we extend love and kindness without merit, he's going to bestow his grace upon us abundantly in return. When couples get into serious marriage problems, they are almost always in a vicious cycle of bad behavior. They justify their own sins because of the sins of their spouses. The blame game gets huge at that point For a marriage to be healed, there must be one spouse in the marriage who will do the right thing and trust God for the results. He is faithful to his word and will reward us when we put faith in him and believe his promises.

Michelle Moore: 51:28

Amen to that.

Daniel Moore: 51:29

So remember to have a good marriage and to accomplish what you feel like you want to accomplish in your marriage, with God being at the helm. Uh, be a good servant, serve each other. Don't be selfish. Make sure that you're that refrigerator that you can't stuff anything in anymore Cause it's so full of everything that your spouse could ever want or need. And it will work. Yeah, your marriage, your marriage, will work out great.

Daniel Moore: 51:56

Next week, we are going to be talking about being married on purpose. A lot of times you ask people, people get asked. You know well, why did you get married and what was your purpose in this, believe it or not? They've asked that question. There's a lot of people that's answered that that they didn't really have a good answer. They really didn't know why they got married, they never really thought about it, and so we're going to talk about that next week, about being married on purpose, the importance of taking vision, retreats, getting away on your own and what that looks like.

Daniel Moore: 52:26

And so if you want to get that episode, please subscribe and make sure that you, you know, click the follow or whatever it may be on the platforms that you're on, so that you don't miss that episode. That's going to be end of this week's, though I'm Daniel and Michelle's been sitting here with me this week and we're saying so long We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening. The show really would be possible without you. If you're a fan of the show, please leave a review on Apple podcast, or if you'd like to help us out, just take a few seconds and just click the five star, and that's all it takes. And then please subscribe to us on your favorite platform. The links are in our show notes. That's all for this week, and we believe that God's word never fails us. God's word has stood the test of time and through Jesus' death on the cross, he has connected the gap.

Aria: 53:10

You've been listening to Connecting the Gap podcast. In this world, there are many disconnects that cause chaos in our lives. This podcast is birthed from the desire to share hope and restoration of the power of the gospel by being transparent and open in our biblical walk with God. Each week, we take a few moments as we navigate God's word and peer into other people's testimonies and encourage each other to connect the gap. We upload a new audio podcast every Thursday and a video version of it on YouTube and Rumble. We are also on the Christian podcasting app Edify. You can subscribe to our podcast on many of the available podcasting platforms, including Apple Podcast, spotify, amazon Music, iheart Radio, tunein Radio and more. We are also available on your Alexa-enabled devices. If you would like to contact our ministry for any reason, visit our contact page and send us a message. We hope you are blessed by this ministry. This is a production of Connecting the Gap Ministries.