7 Steps to Naked Purity in Your Marriage - 220

Just like Satan deceived Eve in the Garden, he continues to deceive us today. Just as he misled Eve by promising that sin would improve her life, he uses the same tactics on us. It is important to recall that before Adam and Eve fell into sin, they had a flawless marriage - they were united as one, bare and unashamed, basking in the intimate and loving wonder of their union. However, after they succumbed to sin, they became two isolated individuals hiding from both each other and God. This scenario is reflective of the current state of the world.

You may consider yourself a good person, and you may really believe some sins are not so bad and could even enhance your marriage. You may have an image of a marriage where you go to church and are socially respectable, but one in which you can also “have a little fun.”

It won’t be long before you find out that the “fun” of sin has a severe backlash. In fact, many problems you have early in your marriage can be traced to the roots of sin and bad behavior you allow in your life. Rather than giving pleasure, sin can seriously damage and soon will destroy your relationship.

The only answer is to banish it from your life. When you do that, you’ll find the most fun and the most enjoyable lifestyle in the world is one of purity and obedience to God. Purity is a blast, and the best sex and intimacy in marriage is experienced when you take responsibility for your behavior!

This week we continue with the law of Purity and 7 steps to purity in your marriage!

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Episode
• 10:00 The Importance of Personal Responsibility
• 20:30 Retaliation vs. Forgiveness in Marriage
• 30:15 Admitting Faults for Healing
• 40:00 The Power of Forgiveness
• 50:45 Seeking Healthy Friendships for Support
• 1:00:20 Conclusion and Upcoming Episode Teaser

Transcript

Daniel Moore: 0:03

But even if we aren't being abused, all of us suffer in marriage because we're all imperfect.

Michelle Moore: 0:08

Right.

Daniel Moore: 0:09

None of us are perfect. We all have our issues. We've got our dirt, we've got our secrets and skeletons in the closet. We've got all this stuff that we have throughout our lifetime, and so we all have to remember that we're all really on equal level playing grounds and, as we suffer because of our spouse's behavior, we must choose to either deal with it righteously and trust God for the results, or take the matter into our own hands and justify bad behavior. That's really the only two choices you have, and we must use right behavior at all times and trust God to reward us and to change our spouses.

Aria: 0:42

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 0:42

And notice that little line there is God changes the spouse.

Aria: 0:46

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 0:47

It's not us changing our spouse. That's not how that works. Last week, we began the last law of the four laws of love, the law of purity. This week, we're going to talk about the seven steps to having purity in your marriage. We'll be getting back into that right after this.

Daniel Moore: 1:05

Welcome to the Marriage Life More podcast. This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies, and we interview people with an inspiring story. I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and I've got Michelle, my beautiful wife, sitting in here with me today. Hey guys, we're going to be going through another episode. We thank you for joining us this week.

Daniel Moore: 1:57

If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at wwwmarriagelifeandmorecom for all of our platforms. Our YouTube and Rumble links are there. We're also on the Christian podcasting app, edify. We're also on your Alexa and Google smart devices. You can visit us on social, on Facebook and Instagram, at ctgaponline. If you are a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms. Give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, and we would thank you tremendously for doing that, as that helps our podcast to grow. And, of course, the whole reason we do this is to try to help you guys or if you know people that have marital situations going on in their life. We just pray that something that Michelle and I share here each time that we're doing an episode, that it would help you in your walk with God and as he walks with you through your marriages.

Daniel Moore: 2:47

Well, last week we started off the final law of the four laws of love, and that was the law of purity, and we kind of got a little bit of an introduction into that law last week and then we ran out of time, just like we do sometimes, and so we're going to pick up this week where we stopped last week and we're going to be talking this week about the seven steps to purity in marriage. So this week, as we start off, we're going to be going through seven steps of how we can have purity in our marriage and, of course, last week, as we were talking, a lot of times when people think about purity, they think of it as being pure in your sexual orientation, of the dating process and all that. But in all reality, purity doesn't just mean the sex side of things, and we talked a little bit about the naked marriage, about how we have to be open with our spouses, open with our partners and to the extent that each one of us knows each other inside and out. And a lot of times when we get into marriages and stuff happens, life happens. Sometimes it even starts at the very beginning of the marriage.

Daniel Moore: 4:05

We just don't understand that we have to be open and exposed to our other partner or our other spouse and we'll have a tendency of kind of clamming up and holding secrets and not saying things to our spouses like we should be and that can cause issues in our marriages as secrets are exposed. It can definitely cause an issue with the relationships at that point, because the trust factor comes in and some of the other things is, if you're hiding something from a spouse and they find out about it I know for myself the first thing I would think is well, I wonder what else they're hiding. It just kind of starts putting that doubt in your mind and those questions there, and it might be the only thing that you never shared. But from the spouse's standpoint the opposite spouse's standpoint they don't know that Right, all they know is that, hey, you had a secret and you never told me about that. And so then it can start that problem there, where you have those issues of transparency.

Aria: 5:06

And so being pure, in your marriage.

Daniel Moore: 5:07

it covers a lot of aspects of the marriage, and so this week we want to give you seven steps on how you can actually build up a firm foundation underneath that purity in our marriage. And Michelle is going to go ahead and start here with the very first step of purity in marriage.

Michelle Moore: 5:26

So number one is take responsibility for your own behavior. Don't focus primarily on your spouse. Focus on yourself. You cannot change his or her behavior, but you can change your own behavior with God's help, just as Jesus expressed it when we judge others, we are trying to remove a speck from someone else's eye while we have a plank in our own, and that's from Luke 6, 41 and 42. Take responsibility for your own words and actions and build an atmosphere of purity and trust from your side.

Michelle Moore: 6:10

First and I know this was something really, really hard for me, just simply because of my personality, I think when I get angry, my red comes out in me and it's all your fault, and so I really struggled with that for a long time. And then, when he did something wrong and was hiding stuff from me, it was like it was proven to me Like you know, you are getting what you deserve, and it really wasn't. Until we started working on things, it was really like God changed me, changed my heart, changed the way I see things, changed the way that you want me to look at my spouse, changed everything about it, because I knew I had bitterness and I couldn't do any of that without asking for Him to change me. I couldn't do any of that without asking for Him to change me. But, honestly, if you really sit there and you think about that scripture, we have no right to judge anybody.

Daniel Moore: 7:17

We have to focus on ourself, because I can guarantee you we all sin, and no sin is different than any other sin.

Michelle Moore: 7:21

So you need to focus on yourself. And so now it's easier. For me, it's like oh, I'm sorry, you know, I shouldn't have said it that way or I shouldn't have done it that way. You know, and even to other people I'll be the first to say, even, as you know, when I was managing people, I'm not one of those bosses that will be like you know, hey, that was your fault, when I knew in the back of my head it was you know, not, it was mine, I made that decision. But you can ask anybody that worked for me. I'm definitely going to be like, hey, I'm sorry, I take responsibility for that. It wasn't them. Or, you know, if it's something I done, you have to take responsibility. You need to focus on yourself, acknowledge that. You know I mean, what do you think of that one?

Daniel Moore: 8:08

I think that we can spend a lifetime trying to change another person and it may never happen. And I think you know, a lot of times in relationships and even you know this even goes, like you said, even with work relationships or friendships in general you know this even goes, like you said, even with work relationships or friendships in general it's easy to point the finger and blame the other person and want to try to correct them and it seems like the deeper that we get into that process of trying to change that other person and formulate them into the person that you want them to be, like they're clay in your hand. You know, putty, we more and more forget our own problems. We start having this God complex, I guess, is the best way to put it. We think that everything that you know we didn't do nothing wrong, it's all them and we just want to sit there and blame them for that. And in some cases maybe one person did do 99% of the issue and the other person was, you know, for the most part maybe innocent, but I find it hard to believe that either side is going to be 100% innocent every time there's going to have to be some type of an issue there.

Daniel Moore: 9:15

And even David, you know, while you're sitting here, you know, opening this up talking about what you were, you know David was a man that was after God's own heart. His whole life he spent chasing God, wanting to know God. What is my plan for my life? What is it that you want me to do?

Daniel Moore: 9:32

David spent time and time again just worshiping and lifting praises to God, but even in Psalm 139, david realized that he had some issues within his own self that needed fixed, and he told God to search my heart, lord, and look into the deepest crevices, the corners, the closets, all those different places that I may have something hidden in there that could cause an issue with myself or an issue with the relationship.

Daniel Moore: 10:01

Search me, lord, and show me those places and renew that right spirit within me, renew my heart within me, and I think that, as all of us, as individuals, first of all need to have that kind of an outlook on their life, we need to be constantly asking God to search us and to clean out our closets, and then we do need to pray for our partners, our spouses, our friends, whoever it may be that you know. Maybe God would just be with them and show a little light to them on their circumstances, not in a blaming sort of way, but just, you know, pray God's blessing over them and thank him for the change that he can do in both sides.

Aria: 10:40

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 10:41

And let God work all of that out.

Michelle Moore: 10:43

So when we first got married, do you feel like you came into the marriage wanting to, like, somewhat change me a little bit? I mean because I feel like when we first got married I was marrying the man of my dreams. I was like you know, this is my best friend, I love him the way he is. I mean, I know, being married once already I knew we were going to be different from each other, but I didn't feel like I wanted to change you in anything.

Daniel Moore: 11:09

No, I think honestly. I think both of us. I know for myself, I can speak for myself, obviously, but you've also spoken what you felt. I think that when I came in, I didn't think you had anything to change. I was marrying who I loved and wanted to be with. I just had my issues. And when I bring in the issues, that creates issues, just like last week we were talking about. One person can't have a sin in a relationship and expect it not to affect the other. It's going to be a snowball effect and it's eventually going to affect the whole relationship. And I think that's what happened with us, because now, as time went along and I started getting irritated and aggravated with stuff that was going on, yes, I came to a point where this needs fixed and this needs fixed and this needs changed. You know that laundry list started building.

Daniel Moore: 11:59

Yeah, I agree with that, and I'm starting to try to sit there and check all this stuff off.

Michelle Moore: 12:03

I think that should have been a warning sign for both of us.

Daniel Moore: 12:05

It should have, because it didn't start that way.

Michelle Moore: 12:08

No.

Daniel Moore: 12:09

And so if you see a huge change happen like that, especially if those issues cause anger or they cause frustration, they become a distraction of what the marriage was all about the day that we walked down the aisle.

Daniel Moore: 12:24

When you start having stuff like that pop up, that starts to become like a fence between the two, becomes an offense basically, and it causes a division and that chasm starts widening the longer it goes because it's not getting fixed.

Daniel Moore: 12:41

That really is a flag and that is something that needs to be taken care of. But you hear time and time again you'll hear about people that will pray for their spouse to change, they'll pray for a relationship to change and they'll do it for years, and then you'll hear them say that one day they got down to pray and they realized they just needed to ask God to change them. When God answered that prayer and they changed that person individually and they gave God the other. All of a sudden they started seeing turnarounds, they started seeing things changing and I think we forget a lot of times that we spend more time focused on the other person and how we can make them perfect, while we sit over here and stir in our own problems and issues and never try to fix ourselves, and that is not the way that God created that to be.

Michelle Moore: 13:34

Well, let me ask you this and this is way off the script, but what happens and this is our personal opinion, this is not from Jimmy Evans' book, it's just a question that's popped up in my head what would you say to a couple who are married and one or the other spouse will not take responsibility for their own behavior? At what point? I mean, we both were kind of that way, we both were kind of that way, but what if one spouse is like really seeking God and that other spouse does not?

Daniel Moore: 14:20

I mean they will not accept what they've done or they don't want to take responsibility for what they have done or spoke. Well first of all, you know we do need to utilize good Christian counseling if at all possible. I do know sometimes, though, that spouses won't go. I mean honestly I'm going to be transparent here. At one point in our marriage, when we were having problems, I probably wouldn't have went. There's pride.

Daniel Moore: 14:37

And you have to cut that pride down and be humble and really have a desire inside of you to make sure this is fixed. And again it comes back to I was going to have to take responsibility, that I was part of the problem and I needed some counseling help to fix that. Yeah, and I probably never at one point in my marriage before to you do. I think that I would have probably ever allowed that because I'm too proud and so I would have had to have gotten over that first of all. Now, if that is the case where that spouse there's just nothing counseling, talking to a pastor, going to church nothing works. That spouse just sits at home and stews and stirs and just continually lives in this dysfunction. The other spouse really just has to keep praying. They got to keep being that example. They've got to keep God first in what they do. It comes back to this. They're going to take responsibility for themselves.

Daniel Moore: 15:34

At that point, let God work on the marriage because it's beyond our care. At that point you can't make somebody love you. You can't make somebody change and go back the way that they were at the very beginning. You can't force them to do that, just like you know, god doesn't force us to be a Christian Right right. He does not force that on us. And so in the marriage it's the same way. Now God doesn't want us to immediately jump to the divorce lawyer and start filing immediately when that happens.

Michelle Moore: 16:05

That shouldn't be even— that should not be in the equation. That word shouldn't be spoken, right.

Daniel Moore: 16:09

That seems to be what happens a lot. You see a lot of couples use that as their rectification of the issue. But we've got to give God some time to work and I have seen marriages before that never got fixed until the day that one of the spouses passed away. But I truly think that that Christian spouse that stuck there through the thick and thin and continually put up with that their whole life they may have not have had the happiest marriage and I feel sorry for people that get stuck in that, but I think that if that was God's will that they stay there for whatever reason, God's going to reward that someday.

Daniel Moore: 16:45

When they get to heaven. We have to look at it eternally.

Michelle Moore: 16:49

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 16:49

We can't look at it materialistically and wallow in our tears. It's upsetting, it's hard to deal with. I know it's not easy.

Aria: 16:59

Right.

Daniel Moore: 16:59

And that's something that somebody has to work and deal with when they're going through that. That's something that somebody has to work and deal with when they're going through that. But in all reality, I think that just reading the Word and knowing what God says about everything, he tells us that he is with us, by our side, 24-7. In Hebrews it says He'll never leave us or forsake us and he is constantly there. He knows our situation, he knows how to fix it, he knows what we need as an individual, and we need to leave that in God's hands.

Michelle Moore: 17:28

And I love that how you said. You know it's not. We're not looking at it materialistically, we are looking at it as internally and we forget that a lot of times. So that's a good word. I really that was really good. I just I wanted to just throw that out there, because that does happen, like you said, we've seen it. So I just wanted to throw that out there for someone that may be listening and you may be going through that Definitely. You know Dan had some great advice.

Daniel Moore: 17:57

As Ephesians says, stand firm.

Michelle Moore: 17:59

Yes, yes.

Daniel Moore: 18:00

No matter what comes your way, and it's not going to be easy. Yes, no matter what comes your way and it's not going to be easy. I totally understand that. But God has a plan and just stand firm and he'll bless you for everything you're going through. You'll be rewarded.

Michelle Moore: 18:12

That's so good, so good.

Daniel Moore: 18:17

So the second one here is do not return sin for sin. This is a fun one. Get a retaliation. You did this to me and I'm going to back and I'm gonna do it even worse. Isn't that the human way of thinking? But god's word tells us to return evil with good. Take that one on and, you know, chew on that for a while and I think god was such a great example or not.

Michelle Moore: 18:41

you know, jesus, like you know, I just I think I always think of him when you, when this comes up, I mean because I'm like how in the world did he do that? You know, because we're human.

Daniel Moore: 18:54

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 18:55

So, yeah, he told us to even love our enemies, and that was Luke, chapter six, where you read the scripture from earlier Revenge and retaliation never solves the problem in marriage. Those attitudes and behaviors only perpetuate a problem and make it worse. You can only defeat a spirit with the opposite spirit. And this is exactly where the context comes from the scripture that Jesus was talking about when he told us to love our enemies. Because when you fight fire with a fire you're going to get a bigger fire. You have to make sure that you put water on that fire. You got to put some kind of a suppressant that's going to knock that fire out.

Daniel Moore: 19:30

And whenever we have issues in marriage and we start coming at each other and it starts coming down to maybe almost being a literal fist fight. We know we can't do that as a married couple. That's not healthy, that is not the way to solve that problem. But yet a lot of people will almost get clear to the point of a fistfight and they've actually gotten fistfights before. Now you hear sometimes of husbands throwing their wives in the walls and throwing them over furniture and whatever. It gets very abusive at that point and that is not what God's intention was for marriage at all. It should never get that far, and whenever we look at this biblically, we have to make sure that we understand that even though wrong is done towards us, that does not give us the ticket or the pass to go ahead and do the same Right Back to that person. So in our marriage. Do you ever recall trying to retaliate against me for something that I did with something that you did back to me during our marriage? Or did everything just happen because our marriage was failing?

Michelle Moore: 20:40

I think it's. Everything happened because our marriage was failing. It wasn't. I did this out of retaliation or anything like that. Now, as a kid, yeah you know, I'd do stuff to get my brothers in trouble all the time. You know it's like he did this and he really didn't. But I don't think in our marriage, no, I mean, I don't feel like. I mean there may have been time or two that you'd say something and I would retaliate back.

Daniel Moore: 21:05

may have been time or two that you'd say something and I would retaliate back and you know, say some other things that were not More of a war of words?

Michelle Moore: 21:13

Yeah, yeah, and I mean I don't feel like. I mean, you know, by the time the affair started, you know, I was at the point I couldn't stand you, I hated you, you know. So it really nothing fazed me when that part was there. So I don't feel like I did that out of retaliation, but you know.

Daniel Moore: 21:34

But I know the words were like definitely with me and you, I mean I and I will say that at one point in time I'm not going to lie that it crossed my mind, especially when the affair was going on that there was a time or two that I thought, well, maybe I should just go have an affair on her and retaliate back. That thought did cross my mind a few times, but fortunately in my mind I knew that wasn't going to solve the problem, so I never did do that. But how many people do do that? Yeah, I mean it happens all the time because, as we've talked about here, from the very beginning, when we first got married, we married best friends basically, and so you don't expect it to go south and go on a bad path. But when it does happen it can really make you. The mind games can just make you do stuff you would never do otherwise.

Daniel Moore: 22:33

Yeah, you know it puts you in a state of disarray in your mind and you start doing things that really, in all reality, you say well, that's not me, you know, I really I would not do something like that, but yet here I am doing it.

Michelle Moore: 22:46

Yeah, you know and I think we've talked about some of the words that I've spoken was not me. I'm like where did that come from? You know so.

Daniel Moore: 22:53

So when we dig into that, we realize that all that stuff comes from the pit of hell.

Aria: 22:57

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 22:57

It's Satan manipulating and putting his hand in the middle of it and twisting and turning those knots and tightening them and causing us to cause that divide even more and tear up that marriage even more, and that's what Satan wants us to do. But in all reality, when we look at it God's way and the way that he wants us to handle it, even if your spouse does something really bad against you, something that you would think they would never, ever do—and I know I hate seeing people go through this situation but you'll see people that deal with multiple affairs, but yet they'll stay there. Their spouse will cheat on them multiple times and they will stay there. My first insinuation on that is you just need to leave. I mean this is ridiculous. That's my human way of looking at it. But biblically, when you look at it, god tells us that we don't return evil for that. We return good for that evil. We don't return evil for evil.

Michelle Moore: 24:00

We turn the other cheek, and in human eyes that is so hard.

Daniel Moore: 24:06

Yes, extremely hard.

Michelle Moore: 24:07

I mean I just I look at that and I that's the reason why I said at the very beginning, I'm like it just blows my mind of how Jesus walked. And you know, now I think he's also. He's a loving God, but he's also a God of judgment, you know. And so I mean I think that we can love our enemies and give it to God and he's going to take care of it, you know, and I do think that Jesus was a great example walking on this earth, with the things that he walked through.

Michelle Moore: 24:41

But yet sometimes it's just humanly, you just can't fathom it Like it really is. Just, I mean, to me it's crazy. I mean there's not so much now, now that my relationship with Christ is where it should be, you know, because there are things that it's easier for me to forgive and move on. Where you sometimes will have that issue of I'm not going to forgive, you know you'll forgive that person, but you're not going to forget it. And I think now, because our alignment with Christ is a lot different than where it was when we were married, going through our issues, I think again, if God was the center of it, we wouldn't have walked through all that.

Daniel Moore: 25:24

Yeah, so we have to just make up our mind that we're not going to sin in response to anything that our spouse says or does, and that way our behavior can be used by God to help the spouse respect and trust you. The power of love and righteousness is greater than the power of evil and we're not obviously in any way saying that you need to make yourself a passive target for abuse.

Michelle Moore: 25:48

No.

Daniel Moore: 25:49

We've talked about this before. God does not ever intend somebody to stay in an abusive relationship where they're getting beat up, hurt and physically altered in any way. That is not God's plan for marriage and you do need to seek help for that. If that's the case, then sometimes you have to get away from that person. There's no other option. So you're not opening yourself up just to be a passive target to that, and God does not expect you to just let somebody sit there and pound on you. That's not what we're saying here. But if you're being abused by your spouse, you need to seek protection and deal with that immediately. That's not something that you play around with. But even if we aren't being abused, all of us suffer in marriage because we're all imperfect.

Michelle Moore: 26:29

Right.

Daniel Moore: 26:30

None of us are perfect. We all have our issues. We've got our dirt, we've got our secrets and skeletons in the closet. We've got all this stuff that we have throughout our lifetime, and so we all have to remember that we're all really on equal level playing grounds and as we suffer because of our spouse's behavior, we must choose to either deal with it righteously and trust God for the results, or take the matter into our own hands and justify bad behavior. That's really the only two choices you have, and we must use right behavior at all times and trust God to reward us and to change our spouses. Yeah, it's not, and notice that little line there is God changes the spouse. Yeah, it's not us changing our spouse. That's not how that works.

Daniel Moore: 27:13

But the person who believes this truth and puts it into practice will be blessed, and the person who doesn't believe or act on this truth will be bruised and battered in a lifelong exchange of evil for evil. That's what you'll live in for the remainder of your marriage if you decide to attack it by taking a lie and replacing that with a lie and attack each other constantly. The third one is admit your faults. The heartfelt, sincere expression I'm sorry, I was wrong, will you forgive me. That can heal a marriage quicker than almost anything else.

Michelle Moore: 27:53

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore: 27:54

However, the person who refuses to say he or she is sorry is going to suffer in marriage, and sometimes both parties in a marriage will not admit their faults and when that happens you have a major problem going on. But John wrote in chapter 1, verse 9 in 1 John, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. So if we admit our faults to God, he'll forgive us. Jesus died on the cross to pay for our sins. Therefore, when we have sinned against God, we don't have to pay for them or do penance. However, we must honestly confess our sin to Him.

Daniel Moore: 28:29

And so, again, here we're seeing a mirror of the relationship we have with Jesus and the relationship we have in a marriage. We don't get forgiveness from God unless we ask Him and tell Him we're sorry and unless we confess our sins to Him. And the same way goes with our marriages. I can never expect you to you know forgive me for something if I don't ever admit that I was wrong and ask you to forgive me, and something if I don't ever admit that I was wrong and ask you to forgive me and tell you that I'm sorry.

Michelle Moore: 28:56

So what happens if you have a couple that both are never wrong?

Daniel Moore: 29:02

Well, it comes back to one we just talked about earlier. If you have one that's never wrong, then they're not taking responsibility for their own behaviors and they're going to constantly just fight against each other nonstop. They're never going to have a resolution to anything. Because I think whenever you have two couples, or when you have a couple, two individual people that are constantly going at each other like that, that starts to become a critical spirit. So I think what happens then? You know how we talked before about the difference between criticizing and complaining.

Daniel Moore: 29:36

Well, whenever you have two spouses that are sitting there not willing to admit each one has an issue or a problem, there has to be a lot of criticizing going on in that relationship. Because there's got to be a lot of finger pointing going on, because if you're not willing to admit that you were wrong and the other spouse is, you know, accusing you of something, well they're automatically going to be criticizing you. You did this and you did that, and that caused this and that. And that's not a place we need to be, because we're pronouncing judgment on that other spouse right off the beginning.

Michelle Moore: 30:10

Have you ever apologized for something when it really wasn't your fault? In our marriage?

Daniel Moore: 30:17

I probably have. I can't really think of anything off the top of my head, but I do know that at this point in our marriage I will tell you. If I did something wrong, I apologize. Oh, absolutely, before I sit there and drag it through the mud. Yeah, I've learned that lesson.

Michelle Moore: 30:32

Yeah, and I don't. I mean right now I don't feel like either one of us. I mean I think we pretty much we hit it head on, like you know, and we don't really have that much because we I mean we've been married 23 years and we've been through everything that I feel like you know. Now we know we utilize the tools and we utilize our relationship with Christ, I mean right off the bat, like it's.

Michelle Moore: 30:58

And a lot of times if it's something like I'm a blue personality, so I'll let things kind of swirl in my head a little bit and I can take and my children will tell you this if you text me something I'm like are they being condescending, are they just being funny? You know what is this? And I can sit there and run that through my mind multiple times. And if Dan will text me something I'm like is he being sarcastic, is he mad? Like I will sit there and stew over it. Then I'm finally like you know what? God, I plead the blood over my mind to stop this, because that is not what you want to do. And then I'll just we'll either talk or we'll call, same with my kids, or my daughter knows me very well She'll just put like hey, this is not, I'm not mad or anything, because she'll know, because I will sit there and you know, stew over things and I feel like you know we're 10 times better than what we've ever been like, as in communication and forgiveness and addressing it completely.

Daniel Moore: 31:58

Well, if you walk around with it on your shoulders, I know for me I feel weight, if I even if I don't feel like I'm 100 percent in the wrong yeah, if I look at you and I say, hey, we probably shouldn't have let that happen between us, and if I had an issue in that, I'm sorry.

Aria: 32:12

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 32:13

That just lifts the weight off my shoulders immediately. Yeah, I mean, it just resets the whole stage for everything, and I think that also invites you to then come back. Well, yeah, that was probably a little too much, you know, I apologize also or vice versa. Yeah, I think that that opens the door for the other spouse at that point to go ahead and admit. You know. Well, I was probably part of that issue as well and we just need to fix this.

Michelle Moore: 32:36

And I think that's the communication, yeah, I mean between you and I. I cannot say enough. When you admit that something is bothering you or you apologize for it, you are communicating that to your spouse and you're not holding it in. That's what our issue was from the very beginning. Dan would not talk to me. So, remember, by apologizing and speaking up and you're communicating. That's a step for a lot of people that have not had that.

Daniel Moore: 33:08

So yeah, and you know, even if you are the first one to step out and apologize, even if your other spouse doesn't respond positively or change their mind or whatever, just remember that we all have to admit our mistakes, just to make sure that we're right before.

Michelle Moore: 33:23

God Right, you're exactly right.

Daniel Moore: 33:25

So good of being right just before our spouse, but we have to do that anyways, you know, just to be make sure that we're on the right planes with what God wants for us in our life and where he wants us to be. So James, chapter four, verse six, says God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. And it also says in James five, 16,. Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. So biblically it shows to get that healing we need to be able to pray for each other and confess our sins to each other. And I think, like I was saying a while ago how I feel, that weight lifts off. That's the healing that I needed for that moment. And God gave that to me because I was apologetic and I humbled myself and took some responsibility for what was taking place.

Aria: 34:14

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 34:15

The next one is really hard. It's that one nasty word forgive.

Michelle Moore: 34:22

It's not a nasty word. Let me tell you.

Daniel Moore: 34:24

No, it's not, but a lot of people have a hard time with it.

Michelle Moore: 34:28

I think we're opposite of this kind of a little bit.

Daniel Moore: 34:31

Yeah, so Michelle and I, we've both had a huge thing to forgive each other for.

Aria: 34:36

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 34:38

So for most of you that have listened to our testimony, you remember she wanted a child with us and I played Jacob in Esau. I played Jacob in the scenario and tricked her into thinking that she didn't have a choice in me getting fixed because I didn't want a child. With all the circumstances of the marriage at that time and all the stuff that was going on, I made an executive decision that that was not on my radar and so I decided that I was going to get fixed. I wouldn't have to worry about it and even have an accident, and I tricked Michelle into thinking she didn't have a choice. I went and got that done and took something huge away from her that she had wanted for our marriage. It was a devastating blow to her side of our marriage.

Daniel Moore: 35:25

Well then later you had the affair and that went on for close to a year and I had to come back from that, from the whole process of that, from when it very first kind of started going that direction until it completely ended. It was kind of a long, not that the affair itself lasted that whole time, but just the attitude, and we had about a year there. That was really bad. Yeah, I guess is the best way to put that. And in the middle of that was the affair. I had to figure out a way for bad yeah, I guess is the best way to put that. And in the middle of that was the affair. I had to figure out a way for forgiveness at that point, because do I end the marriage because of this or do we do? We move on? So we both, and that's not even all. I mean, we've had other stuff that we've had to forgive each other for because we were kind of brutal to each other in many ways, to forgive each other for, because we were kind of brutal to each other in many ways.

Daniel Moore: 36:19

But the Bible says in Matthew 6, 14 and 15, it says if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father also forgives you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. So forgiving other people is a serious issue with God and he repeatedly says these types of scriptures throughout the New Testament and there's many places where we're instructed and warned concerning forgiveness. And he also says in Hebrews that he not only told us that we would not be forgiven if we do not forgive others, but he also tells us that unforgiveness poisons our hearts. That's pretty rough when you think of it that way, and it does. That's a scary place to be. So if you've ever been around unforgiving people, you surely have heard them speak venomous words concerning the people they resent.

Daniel Moore: 37:06

Unforgiveness shows on our faces and our words and in our actions. It's just really hard to hide unforgiveness, and our words and our actions. It's just really hard to hide unforgiveness. And so, from your side of it, how did you forgive me for the stuff that I did to the point where we was actually able to restore our marriage? What do you think was the trigger for you that made you decide, okay, I'm. I think Daniel's really sorry and I think Daniel's really wanting to work on this, and I do love him. I think Daniel's really sorry and I think Daniel's really wanting to work on this and I do love him. I think I'm going to try to make this work.

Michelle Moore: 37:38

So what do you think brought you to that point? I will tell you that it wasn't me, it was God, totally, 100% God, and what we talked about earlier was praying that God changes you. And that's where I really got down and sought God's you know His wisdom. First I came to Him and I'm like forgive me, you know, forgive me for what I've done, because one I harbored bitterness toward you. I had the affair. There was multiple things that I had to go before God and ask for His forgiveness. And then it was like okay, god, you're going to have to change my heart so that I can see Dan the way you see him. Because it was that, because I feel like God totally changed my heart.

Michelle Moore: 38:36

You guys, I'm not when I say I hated Daniel. I cannot explain how much I could not stand him and the words that I said was not me by any means, but he had hurt me so much that there was so much hatred there For God to change that and I truly, 100% believe that God, when I came to Him and said, change my heart, that I was vulnerable to the fact that I allowed Him to change it. It wasn't like a quick switch, it was over time, but it was like. Here I am. I've made all these mistakes, but you loved me. Change my heart, because I do love you. I loved you, but I had to be able to wipe all that away and not bring it back up.

Daniel Moore: 39:29

Yep, I think the key there is God had to change us because that's you know, for me it was the same way, Although I did too. I took some responsibility.

Michelle Moore: 39:38

Oh yeah.

Daniel Moore: 39:40

Because I knew I took some of the blame I guess is really the word I should say because of things that I did in the past. You know, in some ways, when all of the healing started and we started trying to make things work again in my mind and this isn't true, you should never think this about yourself but I told myself that I deserved a little bit of what came along because of the way I had acted at the beginning of the marriage. Now we know that nobody deserves anything like that.

Daniel Moore: 40:12

Regardless, just as we talked earlier, you don't do a sin with a sin. You know that's not how that works, but in our mind frame that's how we look at it. Sometimes, especially, I see a lot of female spouses that go through that They'll allow their husbands to be abusive verbally abusive or whatever, and somewhere deep inside them they feel like they deserve it. You hear that story so many times. Nobody deserves that. Nobody deserves to be treated.

Daniel Moore: 40:37

God created marriage as a happy union full of joy for both spouses. It wasn't just a one-sided relationship. God didn't give all the blessing to the guy. You have all the fun and all the joy and whatever, and the wife's just going to submit to you and do whatever you want to with her and don't worry about her feelings. That's not how God done marriage. He wants both sides to enjoy that union between each other. Nobody deserves anything from either side. You both have to take responsibility for your issues and your problems. You both have to forgive. You know the poison that talked about, the poison of unforgiveness. That poison hurts the vessel that it's in more than it does the person that you spit on. So, in essence, what that's saying is is you can hold unforgiveness in you all you want to. The only person that's really damaging the most is you oh yeah.

Daniel Moore: 41:26

Your yourself is the one that has to fix that If you don't fix it, that's going to continue right into your marriage and cause issues in that marriage for as long as you harbor that unforgiveness in your heart. And you know, a lot of times spouses become whipping posts or the outlet for anger and frustration harbored against others. You know if you have bosses or exes or ex-friends, ex-lovers, siblings, relatives, all these different aspects in life that can come in and just cause all these issues if we're not careful, we take it out on the people that are closest to us.

Michelle Moore: 42:00

That's what, yes.

Daniel Moore: 42:01

And that is your spouse Especially in marriage. Yes, we should never do that, because that spouse isn't responsible for all the outside riffraff that's going on. You have to learn to deal with that within your own self. Use the spouse maybe actually as a sounding board to say how can I fix this, and maybe you got some good words of wisdom for me.

Michelle Moore: 42:23

Actually, what's funny is you just said that was the exact thought in my mind, the reason why we love each other so much. Because we think of it like we read each other like a book. Yes, yes so what you just said. It was what I was getting ready to say, so way to go, babe.

Daniel Moore: 42:37

Well there's, you have to be able. It's a partnership.

Aria: 42:40

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 42:41

So if one spouse is having some major dysfunction in an area of their life, whether it's their job or whatever it may be, use the other spouse for some words of wisdom. Yeah, and pray through it together.

Michelle Moore: 42:56

And there's been times that Dan and I this is where we kind of differ a little bit. I'm very easily to forgive something and move on Like it's just like okay, whatever you know.

Daniel Moore: 43:06

And Dan, on the other hand, yeah, it takes me a little bit to let it go. I'm getting better.

Michelle Moore: 43:12

He has done so. God has worked so much in his heart on this particular subject. I mean, he has done so good with it. I'm just so proud of him because there has been times that some people have done us wrong and it's easy to hey, I'm going to forgive you, but I'm not going to let it go. But he has a wife that cheers him on all the time, like, hey, let's you. You know, just forget it, let's move on, let's go do something with them. You know it's like, oh, let's do this. And he's just like, looking at me like I'm insane. But let's go back to that scripture, you know, back in matthew, for if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men of their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Daniel Moore: 44:00

Yeah. So we're going to move on from this one, but there's a few little points here that we want to drop real quick. There's some important steps on to getting forgiveness. Number one is release the guilty person from your judgment. Do not keep rehearsing that offense in your mind. That one's good. You've got to let God be the judge. It's not our place to judge that. Fix yourself, forgive, ask for forgiveness, whatever it takes to get that weight off of your shoulders and put it at God's feet and let him handle that.

Daniel Moore: 44:31

Secondly is love the person who has offended you. You know. Let your behavior reflect your decision to forgive. That's a hard one to do as well, because if that person's really done a lot to you, it's easy to harbor that hatred and let it grow. Thirdly, bless and pray for that person. Jesus told us to bless those who curse us and to pray for those who mistreat us in Luke, chapter 6, verse 28. This is actually one of the most powerful ways to change negative feeling. This is actually one of the most powerful ways to change negative feeling. Deep resentment and hurt turns to love and compassion as words of blessing and prayer are spoken over those who have wronged us, even if they don't apologize.

Aria: 45:08

Take that one and chew on that for a little bit.

Daniel Moore: 45:11

When they don't apologize to you or ask for your forgiveness and they continue to hold you in contempt and they continue to say that it's your fault. It's hard to pray over that person and want them to be blessed. That's just not the natural thing, and I know Pastor.

Michelle Moore: 45:28

John has preached on this numerous times. Yeah, he has.

Daniel Moore: 45:29

There's a lot of truth in that.

Michelle Moore: 45:31

Yes.

Daniel Moore: 45:32

As we bless those that have hurt us, God heals our own hearts and memories. We've got to remember that for every action there's a reaction. Yep, hurt us. God heals our own hearts and memories. We've got to remember that for every action there's a reaction. So if we take care of the issues within our own house, then God's going to bless us, regardless of what's going outside in the yard. He's going to bless us for the things that we do. Number four here is do not bring up the hurt in the future. And that's a very difficult one, because we always like to rehash and we like to throw things back in people's face. And just when we think it's all past us and it's all behind us and somebody gets mad at us or we get mad at them, all of a sudden it's like well, you remember that one time that you did this, and here we go again. We're rehashing all that stuff all over again. That's not true forgiveness. No. When God forgives us, he removes our sins as far from the east to the west, Right right.

Daniel Moore: 46:23

In Psalms 103.12.

Michelle Moore: 46:25

And can I make a comment on this? I think a big thing on this, one right quick, is you know, if you're a spouse that wants to rehash those and you have that in your mind, you need to plead the blood, because that is not God, because it's been forgiven, it's moved away. That is Satan attacking you and you just need to say God. You know, help my mind. I plead the blood over it. This is not from you. I know that. We're past that.

Daniel Moore: 46:52

Right, and although we can't erase things from our memories, we can at least make a decision not to bring up the past offenses. Yep, and that's a choice that we have to do. You know, god doesn't simply forgive. He forgets, yeah, what we've done, absolutely, and so it's up to us.

Daniel Moore: 47:06

He can do that, he can give us the power, yep, to overcome that as well, yep. And the fifth one here as many times as necessary. And all these steps we just gave isn't just a one-time shot. Sometimes you have to go back and repeat those all over again, because, as we live our life, people are going to continue to hurt us and things are going to happen. So we have to make sure that we're always in that mind frame that, no matter what may come our way, what people may throw at us or say to us or whatever, we have to remember what the steps are to make sure that we forgive them like we should.

Daniel Moore: 47:38

The fifth one here is speak the truth in love, and there's many times in marriage when couples need to sit down and tell each other about something that bothers them or has offended them, and this is not just retrieving old hurts, it's taking care of problems as they arise in order for the couple to live in purity. Ignoring a significant sin or problem in a spouse is dangerous for both oneself and for the sinning spouse, and so this is something that Michelle and I practice pretty much on a regular basis. If something comes up and it bothers us, then we will, at some point, before it gets out of hand, hopefully, sooner rather than later, we will come up to each other and talk about this. Yeah, and we don't do it condemning no, it's not in a condemnation way. We just sit down and discuss what's going on and try to get everything out in the open and how can we fix this. And I think we've seen this make a huge change in our marriage.

Daniel Moore: 48:35

Yeah, you know, during the rough time in our marriage, Michelle and I would wait to confront each other until we were angry, and when you do that, the words that come out are hurtful when that happens. But since then we've learned to take care of our problems daily. We do not attack each other's problems, we do not ignore each other's problems. We share lovingly what we think is important to us and to our relationship, because it's not just me and it's not just her, it's us. Then we talk and pray about those issues, if necessary, until they're resolved. So you've got to have that communication and make sure that you're able to share between each other to solve those issues as they arise.

Daniel Moore: 49:15

In Ephesians 4.15, it says instead speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head. That is Christ. So as we speak that truth, we grow closer to Christ. Even so, there's multiple reasons there to make sure that we take care of that. And then number six is to pray for each other, and I think the saying goes a couple that prays together stays together, or something like that. I think that's how that goes. You know, michelle and I have our own separate prayer lives, but we do pray together as well, and we both think that that's an important part of our relationship, an important part of our marriage. So like if something's going on bad in my life that you know of, what's, something that you'll usually do for me.

Michelle Moore: 50:01

I always pray.

Daniel Moore: 50:02

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 50:03

I always pray to bless him, to put favor on him, that God gives you a godly wisdom daily and he shows you discernment on anything that may come up throughout the day, and that he just shines his love upon you.

Daniel Moore: 50:17

Yeah, and I do the same for her. Yeah, because we can't, we're not in this battle alone. No, we were never meant to fight this battle alone.

Michelle Moore: 50:26

No.

Daniel Moore: 50:26

Yes, we have God by our side, but God also gives us people to come alongside of us and, particularly in this situation, our spouse. And if we in one way whatsoever care about our spouse and truly love them the way that we should, we should care enough to pray for them, for issues that they may have, that they go through.

Michelle Moore: 50:44

Yeah, and you know, if you communicate to me and you feel like you've had something going on with your day, you know I know I text you and be like okay, pray for me, because I need it today. You know, and I know, within a shadow of a doubt, you're praying for me and I don't even have to speak what it is. I know that you're praying and you could do the same for me.

Daniel Moore: 51:06

And make sure that when the spouse asks you to pray, that you just stop immediately and do it Because I know for myself, it's real easy If I see that text come across or that email come through. It's easy for me if I'm busy. Right, I'm going to say, well, I'll do that here in a minute. Well, that spouse needs that prayer right now, Absolutely.

Daniel Moore: 51:25

And the chances of forgetting are way higher if you decide to wait until five minutes later and then you find out that night. You look back oh crap, I forgot to even pray for them and so you don't want that. They have their trust in you to pray. Please do it at that moment. And there's scriptural backing for that In James 5, 16, it says therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective, so that's something that's very important in our relationship with our mates is to make sure that we keep that prayer in the middle of that. And then, finally, the last one here is seek healthy friends and fellowship. Michelle and I have, in many ways, have come to the realization of the importance of having good Christian friends around us that we can do things with, and have some good, healthy friendships that will pour into our marriage and not just take away from it.

Daniel Moore: 52:26

You can have those friends out there that just suck the life out of you because they have so many issues and so many things going on that they just continually, every time you're around them. They're just constantly sucking the very life out of you and your spouse. And it's okay to be there for people when they're having issues and having problems and, you know, in a mentor type situation or whatever. But you also need some good friends that'll just pour into you from the opposite side of it and if really good friends will know that if another set of friends is having some issues, usually they'll sense it. And if they're good friends, they will at some point in time ask you about that, yeah, and they'll bring it up and say, hey, you know, are you and Daniel doing OK? Or they'll kind of me are you and Michelle all right?

Daniel Moore: 53:13

You know, is there something going on? We just feel like last time we've been around you guys, there's something that's been off a little bit. Is there something going on? We just feel like last time we've been around you guys, there's something that's been off a little bit. And if they're good Christian praying friends, it's good to open up to them and let them pray with you.

Daniel Moore: 53:25

Yeah, so it's super important. So, as we close up here this week, what are some things that you look for in friends? What are some good traits I think is what I'm asking here of friends that we should keep around us.

Michelle Moore: 53:42

Well, I think you know from me and myself, I'm kind of I wouldn't say I'm a needy person, but I kind of am sometimes. So I'm a blue type personality. So if I put into you, I'm giving 100% of myself to my friendship, and so I don't expect 100% back, but I expect 99.9% back. But one I want to know that their relationship with Christ is evident, that their fruits of the Spirit are there, they attend a church, their prayer life is good, mm-hmm, hey, can you pray for me?

Michelle Moore: 54:35

And I know we all fight our battles and I want someone that's going to be open and honest with me, that can call me on the carpet if they say, hey, michelle, you're gossiping, you need to stop. Or hey, michelle, that probably wasn't right what you did. I want that person to be 100% honest with me and then I want them to have the vulnerability to open up to me so that I can do the same for them. I know there's been times I'll shoot a text to a friend, a good friend of mine, and be like hey, look at this scripture or check this sermon out, tell me what your thoughts are, you know, and they respond back to me and they let me know, and I have friendships that I can't talk for, or I don't talk to them for a couple months, and we pick right back up.

Daniel Moore: 55:19

Just like you, never stop.

Michelle Moore: 55:20

Yeah, and it's like but God will every now and then be like hey, michelle, you need to text that person, tell them you love them. And so I feel like you know I have multiple friends. I mean, I really we are so blessed with many friends. Yes, we are Good friends that will pour into us and stuff like that.

Michelle Moore: 55:45

But I'm just that type of person that I don't open up to a lot of people, and so I have a very slim and I think that that's okay to have a very small close group that knows me inside and out. I know one person that I can think of that knows me inside and out for multiple years and she's been with me through my first marriage, you know, our second, everything we've been through and still with me today and I think I'm so thankful that God has placed her in my life and she will be the first to tell me you are wrong and she picks up when something's not right, and I am so thankful that God has truly placed her in my life.

Daniel Moore: 56:26

Yeah. So we need friends who will encourage us to seek God and love our spouse, not those that counsel us to divorce that jerk. When you have a problem, that's the friend you need to stay away from. You don't need friends who are going to tempt you to sin.

Daniel Moore: 56:44

We need friends who are good examples to us and encourage us to do the right thing, who believe in a good Bible-believing local church and want to serve, want to live for God with all of their lives as well, and when you have people like that around you, it's a very good, solid foundation for friends for accountability that can help you stay accountable.

Daniel Moore: 57:04

And then you can help them as well. It goes back and forth both ways. So, as we started out this final law of love here, the law of purity, marriage was designed by God as a place where two people can be completely naked before each other without fear or shame. This nakedness is to include our thoughts. God wants partners in a marriage to be able to share any thoughts with each other without fear. Nakedness also is to be emotional. God wants us to be able to share and express our feelings like little children, without being rejected or embarrassed. Also, he designed mankind to be spiritually naked in marriage. He wants us to be able to pray and worship together in the most beautiful and intimate way. Finally, god wants us to be able to be physically naked together. He also wants us to enjoy our bodies together sexually with optimum pleasure and oneness. Before we can experience all of the beauty and holiness of true intimacy, we must be in an atmosphere of purity.

Daniel Moore: 58:07

Is there something in your life that could be introducing impurity into your marriage? Is there something in your spouse's life that you have not confronted and have not forgiven? But you know it is affecting your ability to love each other as you should. Don't ignore those issues. You need to make sure that you take care of them In a loving manner. Seek to make your home and marriage a safe place where you and your mate can come to. Get quote unquote get naked as you commit to seek God's will for your life and marriage. Seek His forgiveness and guidance daily. Also, walk in honesty, accountability and forgiveness toward each other daily. As you walk with a daily respect for God's law of purity, you will see a marked difference in the atmosphere and pleasure of your relationship. Purity is the atmosphere where love and intimacy so good. Well, that's going to wrap up this week. Verse 8 says blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Michelle Moore: 59:19

So good.

Daniel Moore: 59:20

Well, that's going to wrap up this week and we'll be back next week and we're going to be talking about disarming anger and resolving conflicts. It's going to be a good one as we continue this law of purity, as we're wrapping up very slowly here getting to the end of the Four Laws of Love study. So be sure to subscribe so that you don't miss that episode. But that's going to end this week's episode. I'm Daniel Borb. I'm sitting here with my wife, Michelle Bye guys, and thank you guys so much for listening. This show really wouldn't be possible without you. If you're a fan of the show, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts or if you'd like to help us out, just take a few seconds to give us a five-star click and please subscribe to us on your favorite platform. The links for those are in the show notes. Well, that's all for this week and we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode. This is an extension of the Connecting the Gap Ministries. We pray that you have a blessed week.

Aria: 1:00:32

You've been. We pray that you have a blessed week and peer into other people's testimonies and encourage each other to connect the gap. We upload a new audio podcast every Thursday and a video version of it on YouTube and Rumble. We are also on the Christian podcasting app, edify. You can subscribe to our podcast on many of the available podcasting platforms, including Apple Podcast, spotify, amazon Music, iheart Radio, tunein Radio and more. We are also available on your Alexa-enabled devices. If you would like to contact our ministry for any reason, visit our contact page and send us a message. We hope you are blessed by this ministry. This is a production of Connecting the Gap Ministries.