Is it ok for Your Spouse to Control You? - 239

Think boundaries are barriers to intimacy? Think again. In this week's episode, we dive deep into why boundaries are not just good for marriage—they're essential to God's design for relational flourishing.

Drawing from scripture and personal experience, we unpack how most couples struggle with boundaries due to fear of conflict or appearing selfish. What makes this especially challenging in marriage is the vulnerability that comes with complete commitment. As one of us shares, "When you're dating, you overlook things because you're so in love. But marriage demands more honesty about our needs and limits."

The heart of healthy boundaries lies in understanding individual responsibility before God. While marriage unites two people as one flesh, each spouse remains accountable for their own actions, emotions, and spiritual growth. This creates a beautiful paradox: by honoring our separate responsibilities, we actually create deeper unity.

We explore the critical difference between supporting your spouse and carrying their emotional load. True support says, "I'm here with you," not "I'll do it for you." This distinction protects both partners from resentment, enabling authentic connection rather than codependency.

Perhaps most powerfully, we reveal how boundaries in marriage mirror God's own nature. Just as God establishes moral, relational, and spiritual boundaries throughout scripture, our marital boundaries reflect His character of love, truth, and wisdom. These aren't arbitrary restrictions but loving safeguards that protect what's sacred.

Has your marriage been missing these divine guardrails? Join us as we continue this vital conversation in the coming weeks, exploring specific types of boundaries and practical ways to implement them. And stay tuned for our upcoming series "Marriage Reset: How to Become Soulmates When You Fell Like Roommates"—because every couple deserves more than mere coexistence.

Chapters

• 0:00 Balancing Spousal Support and Responsibility
• 1:30 Returning After Illness: Podcast Introduction
• 3:45 Why Couples Avoid Setting Boundaries
• 9:10 Boundaries in New Marriages and Dating
• 15:05 Boundaries in a Christ-Centered Marriage
• 18:25 God's Design for Individual Responsibility
• 24:50 Taking Responsibility in Marriage
• 33:05 Boundaries Reflecting God's Nature
• 43:15 Upcoming Marriage Reset Series Preview

Transcript

Daniel Moore: 0:07

So how do we balance helping our spouse and not carrying their emotional or spiritual load for them? Do you ever find that you want to carry a load for me?

Michelle Moore: 0:17

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore: 0:18

And why is that?

Michelle Moore: 0:19

Not all the time, but I mean I'm a fixer, but I mean I'm I'm a fixer. So obviously anything that I feel that is in my own eyes that is not right or it could be better. Obviously I want to carry that load and try to make it better that I can or to help you this week on marriage life and more.

Daniel Moore: 0:44

We're going to continue our discussion on boundaries in marriage. We'll get back into that right after this. Welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies. We interview people occasionally that have inspiring stories. I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and guess what? We have Michelle here with us this week, yay. After she's been under the weather for a few weeks. She's feeling much better.

Michelle Moore: 1:42

You can still hear it in my voice.

Daniel Moore: 1:43

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 1:44

Much better now.

Daniel Moore: 1:45

Well, we're going to make an attempt at this to get through a couple of episodes here, hopefully today, uh, for this next couple of weeks.

Daniel Moore: 1:52

Uh, we do want to thank you guys for joining us, though If you're not familiar with our show, you can check out our website at wwwmarriagelifeandmorecom for our platforms.

Daniel Moore: 1:59

Our YouTube and rumble links are there. We're also in the Christian podcasting app, edify, and we're also on your Alexa and Google smart devices. You can also visit us on social, on Facebook X and Instagram, at ctgaponline, and if you're a fan of our show, please subscribe and feel free to leave a comment. If you would like to comment on something that we're talking about or have any questions, you can do that on some of our platforms and give us a thumbs up or a five star review on Apple podcast, and we'd be eternally grateful to you for doing that. You can also reach us by email at Daniel at connecting the gap dot net as well. So, as we mentioned here in the intro of this, we started a discussion on boundaries here about four weeks ago, and then Michelle and I went on vacation and went on a cruise, and we went to the cruise and the cruise gave her COVID, and so it was just not a great thing at the end of it.

Michelle Moore: 2:54

I was going to say it was the last two days and then it just carried on from there and it went downhill.

Daniel Moore: 2:59

Yeah, and it was pretty rough. She had a little bit of that some sinus infection going on and a little touch of pneumonia in her right lung. So I don't know if that's a prophetic thing that tells us we shouldn't go on cruises anymore. No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't, is it not that Okay, I didn't know if that'd get me out of that or not.

Michelle Moore: 3:18

No, but yeah, we did have a great time though.

Daniel Moore: 3:21

We did. We had an excellent time A good time of relaxing and just relaxing it was great Eight-day, seven-night cruise. There was plenty of time for downtime and just being able to relax a little bit.

Michelle Moore: 3:33

And pour into each other.

Daniel Moore: 3:35

Yeah, it was really good. It was very good for us, Really good week for us. But she's back now and so we're going to go ahead and try to get through a couple of, possibly a couple of, episodes here. We think that we probably have enough material here maybe to go for a couple of weeks on this. We'll see how this goes. But this week we're going to go ahead and do our deep dive into biblical boundaries in marriage.

Daniel Moore: 4:04

So as we start this week on this episode, we're going to start with a question, and we've kind of talked a little bit about this over the couple of weeks that we did start talking about boundaries. The first episode on this we defined a bunch of different boundaries and kind of went through a lot of the different types and what they were. Then we talked about misconceptions, because a lot of people look at boundaries in a bad way and there can be bad boundaries, but there's good boundaries as well that need to be set in marriages and so if you guys missed those episodes, you might want to go check those out before you listen to this one here to try to get on the same page here as where we're at. Those were about three to four weeks ago for those two episodes.

Daniel Moore: 4:46

The question we're starting with this week is why do many couples avoid setting boundaries? Well, many couples avoid setting boundaries in marriage a lot of times because they fear that it's going to create conflict, it's going to seem unloving or make them appear super selfish. Some worry that expressing needs or limits will upset their spouse or damage their relationship, so they just stay silent. To quote-unquote keep the peace. But that peace is often temporary and surface level. Others may not even realize boundaries are healthy. They confuse boundaries with emotional walls of rejection, especially if they grew up in homes where their needs weren't respected. In some cases, one spouse may feel guilty for asserting themselves, especially if they were taught that love means always giving in or sacrificing. Unfortunately, avoiding boundaries often leads to resentment, burnout and disconnection, because unspoken expectations and repeated violations of emotional or relational space quietly erodes trust and it also takes away intimacy over time.

Daniel Moore: 5:52

So whenever we first got married, I'm kind of curious what did you, what would you have said if I, at the beginning of our marriage, verbally started setting boundaries? How would that have made you feel? Because I know we've talked a little bit about our past marriages. We've gave our testimony and so most of you that's listened to those testimonies know that our first marriages had some crazy things go on for different reasons and with Michelle's case you know, there was a lot of suppression on you and you was not allowed to have a real big voice in your first marriage. There's a lot of things that went on with that, a lot of dynamics that were there. So when you married me, if I would have automatically popped up, started putting in some boundaries, what if they were good or bad ones? How would you have related to me on that?

Michelle Moore: 6:44

You know, honestly, I would have probably at that time, because I loved you so much, that I would have been like, okay, you know. But in the back of my mind I would have been like he's not going to tell me what kind of boundary is going to be set because of my past. But I think honestly myself, because I loved you so much and you were like my best friend, that I kind of probably would have allowed it. But the unspoken would have been there for sure of me being like he's crazy, he thinks he's going to set a boundary on me. You know, because when you get remarried, you definitely don't want to marry the same person that you married before, Right? So you go into that marriage thinking, ok, things are going to be different.

Michelle Moore: 7:32

So, that was my assumption of that. So if you would have set that, I probably would have, as I always say, I would have punched you. But no, I wouldn't punch you. But I honestly, probably would have listened to it for a little bit because I trusted you. But in the back of my head I know, within a shadow of a doubt, being like why would you set boundaries? Yeah, and I wasn't healthy in a relationship with God either, so I wouldn't have understood why you would want to set boundaries.

Daniel Moore: 8:00

So it probably kind of would have been a flashback for you, probably thinking okay, here I go again. You know, I just came out of a situation where I feel like I really didn't have much freedom.

Michelle Moore: 8:10

I would have not said that to you, right?

Daniel Moore: 8:13

It would have been the unspoken, you would have thought that Absolutely. Yes, and it would have made it difficult. And so the reason that I bring that up is because, especially for newly married people, it's very difficult to date somebody for a year or less especially. But even if you date each other for a few years, whenever we finally do make that choice to get married, we still really don't know each other inside and out. We think we do.

Michelle Moore: 8:40

But you're living with someone day in, day out. It's different.

Daniel Moore: 8:43

You do know a lot about that person, especially if it's a year or more. You do get to know that person pretty well as long as you're both open with each other, not hiding anything. But in all reality the actual dating phase is completely different than when you get married. It's just a whole different dynamic. It brings it to a whole new level and you know when you're first chasing somebody and trying to get them, you know trying to win their love. You know a lot of times anybody can probably look back at the time they were dating and they can think you know, you get. You could get by with saying a lot of crazy things sometimes when you were dating and get by with it because you felt like you were so in love with that person, you wanted to be with them so bad you just wanted to overlook things. Sometimes, you know if something might throw a flag, you're willing to overlook that. Think well, we get married, we'll fix all that.

Michelle Moore: 9:34

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 9:35

You know that's when that time comes, we'll deal with it and whatever. And so a lot of times we end up walking into a marriage thinking that we're going to be able to fix some things or whatever. But then marriage, you know, the marriage starts happening and you start moving forward with life and you know jobs and having kids or whatever. And sometimes a lot of stuff gets put on the back burner and it never does, you know, get taken care of. And so, whether you think you are doing it or not, whether if you verbally set a boundary, you may not verbally do it, but you're still in your mind, still setting boundaries, and sometimes, when those aren't spoken and explained to each other, that can cause friction. Because if one spouse comes into their marriage and all of a sudden they're just real overbearing with certain boundaries and certain areas of their life which were not in place when you were dating, then that automatically is going to throw a flag for that spouse. They're going to think, well, what changed? You know it's like, why was? Why was we so loose in these areas before we got married? And all of a sudden it's a real big deal if I do this, you know, and as it is when you're newly married. You don't want to rock the boat, I think it. You know, one statement was made there and what we just shared about keeping the peace.

Daniel Moore: 10:50

You know the spouses will stay silent towards each other a lot of times when they're in their mind rolling this stuff over, constantly trying to figure this out, but they don't want to verbalize it because they don't want to start, you know, some friction. They're still trying to figure out how to love each other and how to have a life together and all that kind of thing. But in all reality, these boundaries that need to be put into place between each other, especially the healthy ones, those need to be addressed right when you first get married. And I see a lot of times where I don't think that happens. Me and you didn't do that.

Daniel Moore: 11:23

You know we just came in and started setting boundaries towards each other, nonverbal boundaries on a lot of them and then it caused issues because there was no explanation, there was no reasoning why they were there. You know it's. They just look like we weren't communicating. It looked like we weren't, you know, talking about stuff, and that can cause resentment and, like you said, especially you come out of a relationship where you had a problem already. With that, you're automatically. That's going to be a trigger. That's like a PTSD moment.

Michelle Moore: 11:51

And I think a lot of times that you don't want to say something because, even though you know that person somewhat, when you marry him, you don't know exactly what they would think, or you don't want them to think hey, you know, I mean, I wouldn't have wanted you to think that you were my ex-husband you know if you did do that.

Michelle Moore: 12:09

So you know, if I spoke those, would you? Would you have felt that way? Yeah, you know, if I would have said, hey, I don't agree with this. This is what happened in my first marriage. I mean, how would you have handled that?

Daniel Moore: 12:21

Yeah, it's. You know, I had some issue with boundaries myself, so I think I probably would have reacted a lot of the same way as you. I would have went to defensive mode. Yeah, I would have went into trying to justify things and, you know, defending my side of it towards you, which there is a place for healthy combat I guess I like to call it healthy combat between a husband and a wife but it needs to be proactive and positive. It needs to make things better, but it takes communication. It always comes back to communication.

Michelle Moore: 12:55

And a healthy relationship with Christ, because if you're one with Christ, you are going to be. I mean, your boundaries are set already, and if your relationship with Christ is one and your spouse's relationship with Christ is one, you can meet in the middle and talk about those things in a healthy environment.

Daniel Moore: 13:14

Yeah, I read a book right now. It's called Hedges and a lot of that whole book is on the subject of boundaries and there's the valid argument that he sets in that book, immediately as soon as the book starts, is you look at boundaries like a hedge. And why do we have hedges? Sometimes between us and our neighbor? You know, a hedge is that nice row of bushes that they'll sometimes square them off or they'll round them off. They look really pretty and they water them to help them to grow and a lot of times that's just a divider. It's not that the neighbor hates the other neighbor, it's just a privacy type thing. Where this is my boundary over here, that's your boundary over there, and as long as we stay healthy in both sides of our boundary, we're going to get along great and we're going to have a nice friendship relationship. And I liked how he did that, because those hedges constantly grow and change.

Michelle Moore: 14:07

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 14:08

And so in life, if we look at boundaries like hedges, then we're going to understand that. You know we may put a boundary in place today. It may not be relevant 10 years from now. You know that boundary may go away because it's been replaced by some other type of a boundary that was better, you know, for the situation or the case and our lives change constantly anyway. So there's times when we have things that happen in our life that creates a reason for a boundary, but sooner or later that issue works itself out so that boundary can go away. So there's just a lot of things here that revolves with the subject of having boundaries or hedges in marriage and just the way that we would want to trim those up to keep our yard looking nice and everything else we need to keep those boundaries trimmed up.

Daniel Moore: 14:52

It's a constant process of making sure that those boundaries stay healthy. They don't die. You know just all the things that go into that, so I really like that the way that you know, looking at it that way. So, with all that being said, can boundaries exist in a loving, selfless marriage? Share with us what we've got there for that question.

Michelle Moore: 15:13

It says. I say absolutely just because, yes, boundaries can and absolutely should exist in a loving, selfless marriage, Because they are not about keeping love out but protecting it. Not about keeping love out but protecting it. A truly selfless marriage does not mean ignoring your own needs or allowing harmful behavior. It means loving your spouse in a way that honors both of you as a whole, respected individuals. Boundaries help define what is healthy, respectful and safe within the relationship, which creates space for trust and a deeper connection to grow. Far from being barriers to love, boundaries are actually a form of love. They say I care about us enough to be honest about what I need and to respect what you need, too, to respect what you need to. In this way, boundaries support, not hinder, a selfless, Christ-centered marriage. And that's it A Christ-centered marriage. That explains it perfectly.

Daniel Moore: 16:17

Yep, and we both got to be open to each other's needs, and really that's what boundaries are. They're just the needs of your other spouse, the things that they need to stay healthy in their relationship towards you, the things that you have that needs to be put into place to protect those sensitive areas in your life that you have personally within yourself. Good boundaries set in place with a Christ-centered marriage can actually boost your marriage to a level that you could probably never get to otherwise. Right, because then you become completely open and transparent with your spouse and you're able to discuss things without issue and you can actually have good, positive interaction with each other. When you have issues, you know if there's things that come up that might be causing a little bit of friction, if you have some of these boundaries in place to facilitate working through those things in an adult manner, then that makes that possible.

Daniel Moore: 17:32

Yeah, and so if you are in a marriage that has selfish boundaries, that's dangerous, because you know and I'm talking about boundaries like your spouse won't let you look into their phone, or there's things that seem to be hidden a lot of times that you really question, but they will not enter your questions, they skirt around the issue or they change the subject. Those are not healthy boundaries, but those are boundaries as well that they've set in place for you. You're not to cross that hedge.

Michelle Moore: 18:05

Right.

Daniel Moore: 18:05

And they're probably hiding something more than likely, and that is not healthy boundaries. When we have good boundaries in place, and inside of an unselfish marriage, then we should be allowed to look into each other's sides boundaries that we have set in place. Some of them just might be a little bit more sensitive than others, and so you approach those a little bit differently, but that communication should still flow, yeah, and Christ should always remain the center of that. So God has given design for individual responsibility, and when it comes to boundaries, boundaries are a responsibility that we have within our marriage.

Daniel Moore: 18:48

The first point that we want to make here is that boundaries are about stewardship. They're not there to irritate your other spouse, you know, or you know to make things bad in your marriage or whatever. If you look at the Bible, the whole concept of God's word, everything that God lays out there for us, really comes back to stewarding our finances, the home, the possessions that he gives us, the family that he gives us. He has rules everywhere, and I don't only like to call them rules, he just has processes put into place everywhere that, if we follow his divine plan and stewardship things well that he has given us in our life, he blesses all of that.

Michelle Moore: 19:32

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 19:33

And it works because God has the perfect plan. And when it comes to these boundaries, they're about stewardship. They're about stewarding your marriage in the best possible way that it can be to have the most fulfilled, fun-loving, love-filled marriage that you can have between you and a spouse. And with this stewardship we have to include our stewardship of ourself. We have stewardship of our emotions. Then we have to have good stewardship of our actions. So in God's design for individual responsibility, boundaries are a form of stewardship caring wisely for the life, emotions and choices that God has entrusted to each person. We're only here because of God.

Michelle Moore: 20:12

That's right.

Daniel Moore: 20:13

We have our relationship with our spouse because of God. God created our spouse for us as long as we're in that marriage that he's assigned us to. So he expects us to steward all of this in a biblical manner, and scripture teaches that we are accountable for our own actions and not the actions of others. And it states that in Galatians, chapter six, verse five. And that includes managing our hearts, setting limits and making choices that reflect wisdom and love.

Daniel Moore: 20:41

Boundaries help us honor this responsibility by distinguishing what is ours, to carry our thoughts, feelings and behaviors from what belongs to someone else. So, rather than controlling others, boundaries allow us to walk in self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit, and to love others freely, without enabling sin or dysfunction. In this way, setting healthy boundaries is not selfish. It's actually a faithful response to God's call to steward our lives with integrity and grace. That gives you a whole different outlook on that. You know, whenever we are sitting here griping and complaining because our spouse has put some kind of a boundary in place that we don't like and it may be a healthy boundary that our spouse needed, and so we need to respect that, looking at it through the lens of God and the way that he looks at things, with the way that he expects us to steward things, and then we need to look at it that way, and I think that gives us a whole different outlook at that point.

Michelle Moore: 21:37

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 21:38

It would cause us to be probably okay.

Daniel Moore: 21:40

If God's, if this is God ordained and this is the way that you know God has set for our marriage to go, then I want to make sure I follow that, yeah, and keep God first in all of that.

Daniel Moore: 21:52

Each spouse is also responsible for God for their own behavior. Each spouse is ultimately responsible for God for their own behavior, regardless of how the other acts, because God holds individuals accountable for their choices and not their spouses. While marriage is a union, it doesn't erase personal responsibility, and in Romans, chapter 14, verse 12, scripture teaches that every person is going to give an account for their own actions, and that includes how we speak, how we respond, how we forgive others and how we love within the marriage relationship. Blaming a spouse for anger, disrespect or lack of self-control goes against God's design, which calls each person to walk in obedience to him regardless of circumstances, and this truth empowers couples to grow spiritually and relationally, because when both take ownership of their behavior, the marriage becomes a place of mutual respect, grace and accountability. So I do see a lot of times where spouses play the blame game.

Michelle Moore: 22:50

I don't know what he did.

Daniel Moore: 22:51

Yeah, it happens quite often. You know stuff will come up or whatever, and if you catch the husband complaining to his friend, he's got all kinds of blame that he's throwing on his wife, you know. Or the wife is talking to her friends complaining about the husband. There's a whole lot of blaming going on and you know there may be some truth to that, that there's some issues going on and you know the other spouse may not be doing what they're supposed to be or whatever, but that doesn't fix the issue.

Daniel Moore: 23:19

Going around talking to all the friends about it and everything else, and you know it also being said, there's probably some stuff in our own life that we need to take care of. You know, and God's been very open in his word about how we need to take care of ourselves. First, you know, if you're going to look for the splinter in somebody else's eye, then you got to take the log out of your own, and that's, that's scripture, and so God expects us to, even if we have boundaries in place that are not healthy. Um, in the end, god just wants to make sure that we are responsible for our own selves and keep our own lives right with him and do it as a he's called us to do, and when we can all accept and own the fact that we are responsible for our own behavior within our marriage, towards our husband or towards our wife, then that should help our marriage go much smoother.

Michelle Moore: 24:12

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 24:13

That should allow that to flow like it's supposed to, because each person is being an adult at that point and they're claiming that responsibility or owning their part of what's going on in that marriage, and when two people do that, it just makes it so much better.

Michelle Moore: 24:30

I'd agree with that.

Daniel Moore: 24:31

So there's a couple of scriptures here that go along with that. Galatians 6, verses 2 and 5, mentions to carry each other's burdens, for each one should carry their own load. And then in Romans 14, 12, it says so then each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. So that was some scriptures that we we shared there in those thoughts. So how do we balance helping our spouse and not carrying their emotional or spiritual load for them? Do you ever find that you want to carry a load for me?

Michelle Moore: 25:00

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore: 25:01

And why is that?

Michelle Moore: 25:02

Not all the time, but I mean I'm a fixer, so obviously anything that I feel that is, in my own eyes that is not right or it could be better. Obviously I want to carry that load and try to make it better that I can, or to help you and again, as it said before, that should be your load and not my load to carry. Although we're married, I think at times there are going to be loads that you carry of your spouses.

Daniel Moore: 25:39

Yeah, but we'll talk about that in a second. I'm getting ahead of myself. Oh, you're fine.

Michelle Moore: 25:43

But I do feel like. I mean I'm sure you feel the same way about me.

Daniel Moore: 25:48

Well, just like this last week when you were sick, you know, I wanted to do anything and everything I wanted to. I wanted to even make you feel better. Yeah that's not within my power. I mean, I prayed for you.

Michelle Moore: 26:01

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 26:01

And ask God to come in and you know, with his healing power to heal your body, and I got you your medication, anything that you needed. I tried to be there to do that for you. But when a spouse truly loves their other spouse, then everything matters, even to the smallest detail. Everything matters. And if something is going on with their spouse that's causing some issues or an illness or whatever it may be, a good, loving spouse is always going to be concerned about that and they're going to do everything that they can to carry that load.

Michelle Moore: 26:32

And I think there's been times too, spiritually, I mean you've kind of, you know, if there's been times that I've struggled with stuff, you know you'll come in and be like, okay, you know, hey, I've been praying this and I feel like you know you need to read this or you know you need to do this, and I think you're looking at it this kind of and I think that's healthy because we have at times.

Michelle Moore: 26:58

I mean, I know I probably struggle more than you do just because sometimes, when I get involved in too much, it's overwhelming to me and I have to step back and remember why am I doing this and is it healthy for me? Like you know, and you have to, I'm thinking of all the future stuff and it's like Dan's like to bring it back and he's really good about that because I can. At times I get you know I'm not letting God lead me, I let myself lead me and he's like, ok, remember, this is what God's placed for us, you know, and so it's been very the healthy boundaries that we have set now have been really good and they help us, yeah they balance.

Michelle Moore: 27:43

Yes.

Daniel Moore: 27:44

We're much better at balancing those out now than what we used to be Only 20 plus years later.

Daniel Moore: 27:49

Yeah, it's crazy, it takes that long, and hopefully it doesn't take you all that long, and some of you may be way beyond us and still haven't figured it out. Hopefully this discussion will help. But yeah, so as we talk about that balance, we do balance helping our spouse, but we do it without carrying their emotional or spiritual load, and we can do that by offering support, encouragement and prayer, which is what we were just talking about, but we do that without taking responsibility for their choices, feelings or growth, because that's something you have to do, that's right.

Daniel Moore: 28:20

And that's something I have to do. You can't help me with my feelings and my choices. You know that's something that I have to make on my own. And you know, as we just read that scripture in Galatians 6, you know it teaches us to bear one another's burdens while also carrying our own load. But, what that means is that we can walk alongside our spouse in love, doing what we can to help with the relationship, without trying to fix, control or rescue them.

Michelle Moore: 28:45

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 28:46

So there's a balance there, which is what we just talked about. So true support says I'm here with you, not I'll do it for you.

Michelle Moore: 28:54

I think, though, at times you would do things for me.

Daniel Moore: 28:57

When I probably shouldn't even Right, Because I know there's sometimes it's easy to overstep your. That's a boundary and same as me for you.

Michelle Moore: 29:06

It's like it's so easy as a married couple.

Daniel Moore: 29:08

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 29:10

That when you love each other so much, it's easier to kind of work yourself in their little boundary and it's like, oh, I'll do that, Don't worry about it. And you know, because I know you've helped, I say you've helped me. You know, that's how I look at it. You've helped me. But in all reality there's been times I'm like, OK, I need to get my crap together and I don't know that I should have said that but I did.

Michelle Moore: 29:33

you know, get my crap together and Dan kind of slaps me in the face and be like hey, listen.

Daniel Moore: 29:39

Yeah, you know. Well, when we look at it in that way where I'm here for you but I'm not, you know, I'm not going to do it for you and split that up the way it should be, that balance respects our God, god given responsibility, while keeping our hearts available and compassionate at that point.

Michelle Moore: 29:55

So good.

Daniel Moore: 29:56

Yeah. So speaking about that responsibility, what does taking responsibility look like in marriage? Uh, share with us our thoughts we have under that.

Michelle Moore: 30:06

Um, that's actually when you take responsibility in your marriage. It's meaning your words, your actions, your attitudes, emotions, without blaming your spouse for how you behave. It's admitting when you're wrong, apologizing sincerely, following through on commitments and actively working on areas of personal growth. Actively working on areas of personal growth it means managing your reactions, communicating your needs clearly and choosing to respond with love and self control.

Daniel Moore: 30:38

Yep.

Michelle Moore: 30:39

Even when things are difficult and you know that's hard. But in short, it's being accountable before God for your part in the relationship and contributing to health of the marriage with humility and integrity, and I really like that how. That's how you have that written out. I mean honestly. Everything I do I have to take responsibility for.

Daniel Moore: 31:04

Yeah, and we've talked about in our last series that we've done how it's not just me and you. God is a part of our marriage, absolutely. He's, if you want to call it, that third wheel. That's what he is, but he's actually in control. You know, what you and I do needs to reflect what he's done in our marriage biblically and spiritually in our lives. And so whenever we look at it with you know, taking the responsibility in the marriage, I can look at it like I'm wanting to take responsibility to impress you, but in all reality I need to be taking responsibility for my side of the marriage because I want God to be pleased. Then you're pleased, because if I can please God, then in essence that puts our marriage where it needs to be.

Michelle Moore: 31:49

You're right.

Daniel Moore: 31:50

Because you'll be doing the same thing, and so when you have that triangle there, you know that flow that goes around with everybody. It's hard to go wrong with that, because you know that's what responsibility looks like is having God involved, and you know, owning the things that we do personally and, at the same time, owning those things that affects both of us so good. So we're going to hit one more subject here before we close for this week, and then we'll pick this up next week, and this might be even a three-parter, I don't know. There's a lot of good stuff there is, and so I definitely don't want to just jump past it. I'll talk here too at the end about a little bit that's coming up in the future here on our podcast.

Daniel Moore: 32:41

But the last point that we want to make here before we go for today, and what we've been trying to do here in the beginning of this episode, is basically try to help understand a thorough view of why boundaries are in place and why they're important, how they have God involved. It's not just a boundary you and I are set between each other. This is a God thing also. And so the third thing here boundaries reflect God's nature. God sets clear boundaries moral, relational and spiritual when we read the Bible and we go through all of the things that God asked of us in order for us to be a Christian. Those are boundaries, those are things that he's setting in place. Thou shalt not this, thou shalt not that. If you do this, this is reflected the same as a sin. He does this all through the whole Bible.

Michelle Moore: 33:34

Old.

Daniel Moore: 33:35

Testament, New Testament, everywhere. And so when we sit here and say, well, we shouldn't have boundaries in our marriage, that's just a bad thing. There's no reason to have boundaries in our marriage. This came from a biblical starting point with God. He's the one that started all of this, and so we need to follow him in that path that he's set forth in front of us.

Daniel Moore: 33:59

God sets clear boundaries morally, relationally, spiritually, because he is a God of order, truth and love. That's the reason that he does it. Throughout scripture, he defines what is right and wrong morally. He also defines how we are to treat one another, which is relationally, and also how we are to relate to him, which is spiritually. So that's all three aspects of our life the moral, the relational and the spiritual. The Ten Commandments, for example they establish moral boundaries to protect us and others from harm. Jesus affirmed relational boundaries by teaching us to confront sin with truth and grace in Matthew 18. He also told us to forgive, but also to walk in wisdom. Spiritually, God sets boundaries like have no other gods before me. That's Exodus, chapter 20, verse 3, inviting us into exclusive covenant relationship while warning against idolatry and rebellion. And these boundaries, they're not restrictive, they are loving safeguards that do what. They lead us to freedom. They lead us to holiness.

Daniel Moore: 34:57

So good they lead us to peace. In our relationship with him and with mine, with you and with others. All of this comes full circle.

Daniel Moore: 35:05

That's good, I like that there's a full purpose in why God operates in this manner and why he wants us to follow suit. Because what's worked with the perfect nature of how God has done this, that cohesion that we're going to create with the community that's around us, that starts with our spouse, works into our friends, our church family, our family as our immediate family, everybody that's associated within our circle. If we biblically put these boundaries in place, like God has asked us to, then all these relationships will work out much better in the long run. Boundaries also help to protect what is holy and valuable. Boundaries help protect what is holy and valuable by creating clear lines around what should be honored, guarded and treated with care.

Daniel Moore: 35:53

Just as physical fences protect property and sacred spaces, like the temple, it has specific rules for access personal and relational boundaries. They preserve the dignity, purity and purpose of what God has entrusted to us, and that is our hearts, our marriages, our time and our spiritual lives. Without boundaries, what is valuable becomes vulnerable to misuse, disrespect or harm. Boundaries say this matters and they reflect God's wisdom in helping us steward our lives and relationships with intention and reverence. In this way. Boundaries are not barriers to love or freedom. They are essential for protecting the sacred things that God calls us to honor.

Michelle Moore: 36:35

That's so good. I don't know that I've really heard a boundary set like that. I mean, some of these I'm just like, wow, this is. I mean, I've heard of it, but not in this kind of detail.

Daniel Moore: 36:47

Well, I think, and it comes back, I think, to what we've been discussing this whole time kind of detailed, well, I think, and it comes back, I think, to what we've been discussing this whole time, and that is the fact that people, we as human beings, we look at boundaries as something you and I are doing to each other, and so we keep it. On the materialistic, worldly side of you're not going to do this, because I don't want you to and I'm putting this boundary right here and don't cross that line, and so then it becomes something that's more of a personal issue between me and you that we're all of a sudden we're going to be arguing over.

Daniel Moore: 37:16

Yeah we're going to be fighting over and a lot of times we put those boundaries in place in the incorrect fashion, you know, in the wrong way, and it comes back to what we discussed again in our series that we finished here not too long ago the four laws of love. It comes back to we have to do everything through the lens of God, no matter what we do in our marriage and what we do in our life. If we can look at that through the way that God sees it and then we place those boundaries or you know those points of what we need for respect, or you know whatever trust, whatever it may be if we put those in place with God's process in the middle of it, then both of us as Christian spouses would be able to see that and understand why those are there. And to me, if I know that it's a God thing and it's going to help you, even in your spiritual relationship with the Lord or your church life or whatever it may be, if I look at it that way, then I'm even going to be more respectful of that boundary because I know it's helping you and I think vice versa.

Daniel Moore: 38:22

You know you look at my boundaries that way. You know that that's what helps me to grow relationally, morally and spiritually, then you're going to do whatever you can to support that. Grow relationally, morally and spiritually then you're going to do whatever you can to support that, and so that's what's important, I think, to remember is that if we do these boundaries properly in God's way, then those things will help us to grow in all of our different aspects of our life, which then makes us be better spouses Right and makes us become better partners in our marriage.

Michelle Moore: 38:46

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore: 38:48

So a couple of questions here to wrap this up for this week. How do healthy boundaries in marriage mirror God's boundaries? Won't you share that with us?

Michelle Moore: 38:56

Healthy boundaries in marriage mirror God's boundaries because they are rooted in love, truth and freedom. Just as God relates to us, god doesn't force us to obey him. He invites us into relationship and gives clear expectations and allows consequences by still loving us unconditionally. In the same way, healthy marital boundaries are not about control, but about creating a safe space where both spouses can thrive, communicate honestly and grow in trust. Spouses can thrive, communicate honestly and grow in trust. Just as God sets limits to protect what is holy, boundaries in marriage protect intimacy, respect and individual responsibility. They reflect his character by promoting love that is both sacrificial and wise, grace-filled, yet grounded in truth. That's so good.

Daniel Moore: 39:59

Yeah, there's a lot of important things in those statements there, especially remembering that, as the spouses, we are going to mess up at some point.

Daniel Moore: 40:04

We're going to do something that's going to make the other spouse mad, that's going to be upsetting to them, or make a bad decision or a bad choice that's going to affect the family. You know there's stuff that's going to happen. The difference there is how do you, as the spouse, handle that, that that was done to or done towards? Are you going to fight and argue and cut that other spouse off for six months? Are you going to unconditionally love them like God does?

Michelle Moore: 40:32

That's very good.

Daniel Moore: 40:33

You know and are you going to give them the grace and the mercy that God gives us when we mess up like that?

Michelle Moore: 40:39

It's hard to remember that.

Daniel Moore: 40:40

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 40:40

Like when you're in the heat of the moment, yeah. And when I was reading that I was like why still loving us unconditionally? I'm like, hmm, yeah unconditionally. I'm like hmm you know, you know.

Daniel Moore: 40:49

Yeah, because we like to play that blame game.

Michelle Moore: 40:51

It's not just in marriage, it's with your children too. I mean, it affects your whole area, your whole life, of how you treat someone. Yeah, that was really good. I really like that.

Daniel Moore: 41:03

Yeah, I think if we can go into it. Looking again, looking at that lens to where we know none of us are perfect, so there is going to be a time that I'm going to do something that's going to be upsetting to you, or vice versa, but I have to be spiritually mature enough in my walk with God for us to be able to communicate through that work, through the issue, and give forgiveness where it's due, be truthful with each other and work that out to where, on the other side of it, we both grow and we both learn from that and it doesn't happen again, more than likely.

Michelle Moore: 41:36

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 41:37

But that's the importance of understanding how these boundaries that we put in place, they mirror what God has done for us, and so we're just duplicating and replicating that, what he's done with our relationship with him. We're replicating that between me and you now.

Michelle Moore: 41:55

Right.

Daniel Moore: 41:56

And so it's a it's a fail proof thing. Really. God, what God does is perfect. Now, we mess that up. As humans we're not perfect, but at the same time, if we go into it with, you know, the view that, hey, this is God ordained and this is the way that he wants us to do it, I think we're going to take more ownership with it and more responsibility to make sure that it's done right, although we may mess up occasionally. Obviously, we're going to work through that when it happens, but it could be happen a lot less often, you know.

Daniel Moore: 42:26

And the final question here what happens when we ignore divine boundaries? And the final question here what happens when we ignore divine boundaries? When we ignore those, we step outside of God's protective design and open ourselves to spiritual, emotional and relational harm. And how many times have we done that? God's boundaries are not arbitrary rules. They are loving guardrails meant to keep us aligned with his will and shield us from sin's destructive consequences. And in all reality, that's what we're doing with our own boundaries. We're trying to shield you. If I set a boundary in place, I'm trying to shield you of a dangerous spot in my life that could get triggered if that's crossed, and the same for you. You're doing the same thing towards me. And as long as we honor those boundaries, those triggers shouldn't get flipped Right, you know, and so that's what he's talking about here.

Daniel Moore: 43:12

Ignoring them often leads to confusion, broken trust, guilt and separation from God's peace and presence. So, just as Adam and Eve's choice to cross God's clear boundary brought pain and brokenness into the world, our disregard for his limits can damage our relationships, distort our identity and hinder our spiritual growth. In his mercy, god calls us back, not to control us, but to restore us the repentance, truth and grace. That speaks volumes, because I love that last line, where he calls us back, not to control us, but he does it to restore everything about our relationship, from all different sides of it, and I think that speaks volumes towards a marriage. Because they're not.

Daniel Moore: 44:00

My boundaries are not there to control you. You know you are who you are, divinely created in God's image. He gave you your own mind, your own thought process. He created you, you. He created me, me just the same way. Neither one of us. We're both on an equal plane. We've talked about this before already as well. And so when these boundaries, when they're taken care of like they should be and we look at them in the light of how they're supposed to be looked at, as they are, god placed and God ordained, then me and you remain equals. Yeah, and you're not going to control me. I'm not going to control you. We're just going to acknowledge each other's boundaries and we're going to work through those spiritually, relationally and morally. And if all of that happens and falls into place, then you have a good marriage and respect. The respect goes through the roof at that point, because what you say matters and what I say matters.

Michelle Moore: 44:54

Right right.

Daniel Moore: 44:55

And we're able to communicate and meet in the middle, you know? And so if we ignore the boundaries that God has put into place and kind of push them to the side because we think those aren't important, then in essence what we're saying is my boundaries with you and yours with me are not important either. You know, we're just going to push those to the side and then the chaos. Yeah, that's when the chaos happens. That's why divorces happen, that's why separations happen, that's why affairs happen, because those boundaries were not respected.

Michelle Moore: 45:26

Right.

Daniel Moore: 45:27

And the lines were crossed, and so we have to keep in our minds where God's at. It has been really eye opening for me. Yeah, you know, and it's a big.

Michelle Moore: 45:59

this is a big deal to God, I mean I just I mean obviously we have our boundaries, but I mean we've not really, you know, because we have such a great marriage. But I'm not Holy schmoly. This has been really good. I mean really good.

Daniel Moore: 46:16

And hopefully you guys have gleaned something from this. And again, we'd love to hear from you guys If you can add to any of this, because obviously this is just touching the tip of the iceberg. If you all can add anything to these discussions, please do. We'd love to hear some other people's thoughts and some other people's opinions. We have a Facebook page that you can go to or our X page. You can make comments on either of those and join in on the conversation. And we'd love to hear from you guys on all of that, because Michelle and I, you know, we keep saying we get along great and we've got a great marriage, but we're still growing, we're still learning. Absolutely. People tell us stuff all the time that we're like hey, that's a good idea, you know it's like Especially if you've walked through something that's helped you.

Michelle Moore: 46:59

I mean I'm always willing to learn. I mean I'll take anything from anybody.

Daniel Moore: 47:05

You know, if it's to help our marriage and grow our marriage or to help other people, you better believe it and we can share it later on a future episode, absolutely so well, we're going to go ahead and wrap up this week then and we'll come back and next week we'll continue this discussion and we're going to start digging into some specific types of boundaries and work through some of those boundaries and ask some questions and answer some questions, and so if you want to catch that, you're going to need to be here for the next episode. Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss any of those episodes. And, as I mentioned earlier, I was going to mention to you we do have coming up here in the future. It's going to be a few weeks away, but Michelle and I we're working on a new series that we're going to be doing and it's going to be. It's going to be called Marriage Reset how to become soulmates when you're roommates, going from roommates to being a soulmate. So that's what we're going to be talking about. It'll be another extended series, like we did with the Four Laws of Love.

Daniel Moore: 48:05

A lot of marriages get stagnant and they get into going through the motions and they forget the reason that they got married in the first place and, before you know it, it's almost like you're just roommates, existing with each other sharing, you know, paying shared rent and a lot of people don't know how to get themselves back out of that hole when that happens. But you have to do it because it's dangerous for your marriage if you remain in that state. So this study that we're going to do is going to hopefully help any of you that's having that issue work through that and how to get back to being a soulmate, the way that God designed our marriage to be.

Daniel Moore: 48:43

So that's on the back burner for the time being. It's going to be coming up here soon, so we're going to go ahead and call this week a wrap. Coming up here soon, so we're going to go ahead and call this week a wrap and we just pray that after this week's episode, that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer and this is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries and we pray that you have a blessed week.