Marriage Life and More

4 Steps to Heal Broken Boundaries - 243

• Daniel and Michelle Moore • Episode 243

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When boundaries break in marriage, the path forward can feel uncertain and overwhelming. Do you fight for restoration or flee from the pain? In this final episode of our boundaries series, we explore the critical steps that lead from brokenness to healing.

Healthy boundaries provide the foundation for a thriving marriage, but what happens when those lines are crossed? Whether through infidelity, dishonesty, or emotional violations, boundary breaches can devastate relationships. Yet through our own journey of restoration, we've discovered a four-step pathway that can transform even the deepest wounds into opportunities for growth.

The healing process begins with consequences – not as punishment, but as necessary protection. We discuss how these create the pause needed for reflection and growth. From there, grace steps in to see beyond the failure without excusing it, followed by forgiveness that releases resentment while acknowledging the reality of pain. Finally, we explore how trust rebuilds through consistent, humble actions over time – often much more time than we initially expect.

We tackle tough scenarios, like dealing with a spouse who repeatedly violates boundaries or one who refuses to acknowledge wrongdoing. Through personal stories and biblical wisdom, we reveal how Christ-centered boundaries don't divide couples but create the sacred space where intimacy flourishes. Most beautifully, we share how you'll know your marriage is truly healing: when boundaries become so natural you no longer think of them as boundaries at all, but simply as expressions of mutual respect and love.

Ready to transform your relationship's broken boundaries into bridges of connection? This episode offers the practical guidance and spiritual encouragement to begin that journey today. Your marriage matters, and even in the deepest pain, restoration is possible.

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Michelle Moore:

for example, if I say, hey, dan, I don't appreciate, or you keep doing this and this is upsetting me, and you have a prideful manner and after I say that and you tell me well, I realize what you're saying, but I don't care for some listeners listeners out there, I know they face that and it's like or I don't do that, how do you handle that?

Daniel Moore:

This week on Marriage Life More, we're going to finish up our small mini series on boundaries. This week we're going to talk about when boundaries are broken. What do we do when that takes place? We'll be back to discuss that right after this. Welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies, and we do interviews with people that have inspiring stories.

Daniel Moore:

I'm Daniel Moore, your host. I have my beautiful wife, Michelle over here, our co-host for the podcast, hey, hey, and she's going to be sitting here today and she even sounds much better this week, I think, than she has the last couple of weeks. She was fighting to get her voice back after not feeling well, so I think she's pretty well on the mend. We've got a good episode for you this week. Thank you for joining us.

Daniel Moore:

If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at www. marriagelifeandmore. com. For our platforms, our YouTube and Rumble links are there. We're also on the Christian podcasting app, edifi, and we're also on your Alexa and Google smart devices, and you can also visit us on social, on Facebook and Instagram and X @CTGapOnline. If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms and give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, and we'd be grateful to you and thank you for doing that. Well, as I mentioned here in the intro, we are continuing and finishing up our series on boundaries this week and I think over the last 45 weeks here we've had some really good episodes.

Michelle Moore:

I think so too.

Daniel Moore:

We've talked about boundaries in marriage and I hope that something that Michelle and I have shared with you guys have resonated with you.

Daniel Moore:

Maybe there's some issues you've been fighting with your marriage in those areas and maybe some things there have helped you to maybe get past all of that and have some renewal there in your marriage as you've worked through those situations.

Daniel Moore:

So this week, as we stated, we're going to try to get this finished up and what happens when those boundaries are broken. Well, we're going to talk about that this week on Marriage Life and more as we get started. This week we're going to talk about what happens when boundaries are broken, because over the last weeks, as we've talked about boundaries, we've talked about what they are and we've given lots of examples of what boundaries can be inside of your marriage and we've talked a lot about how to apply those in your marriage and how you put those in place and what they're for. And I think probably one of the biggest takeaways that I've gotten from this myself even is just to remind myself that boundaries are a good thing, because a lot of people they have a tendency to think that they're not a good thing and they look at them, as you know, being a boundary, in a bad way, between a spouse, and so I think that one thing that I think from this study is just looking at it through the lens of the Bible. Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And how God looks at that. And when we do look at it through the lens of Christ, we see how boundaries are ordained and actually were created by God. And so, with that being in place, we do know that we're human. And you know, things in the Bible that God puts there for us or for our good is to build us up in our life and to help us draw closer to Him and then draw closer to our spouses when it comes to looking at marriage in the Bible. But just because God puts boundaries there that he wants us to initiate in our lives and he tells us that, hey, if you put these boundaries in place and you nurture these the way that you should between each other, you're going to have a great marriage. But guess what, sometimes those are broken. We'll put those boundaries in place with good intentions and we may be trying our best to to work with each other and you know, to to work through different circumstances or whatever it may be and things may be going great. But then, all of a sudden, something may happen.

Michelle Moore:

And I think that's just real. It's going to happen. You know, there's no such thing as perfect.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, and you know, I know with us as we're talking about this, as we get started. You know there's lots of boundaries that we broke between each other and we know that pain that that caused, because some of those boundaries were very serious boundaries that should never have been crossed between you and I. And you know, sometimes breaking those boundaries can make or break a marriage and it can literally take a marriage out if you're not careful, depending on what those boundaries are that are crossed. And so I know a lot of times when we go through those situations we come into marriage, you know, with rose colored glasses and we're just all excited about this life that's before us and we've got our soulmate next to us, we're looking forward to all of these great things and we start building our marriage based on that, that foundation of positivity. But then all of a sudden, when something happens, we're not really educated on how to take care of that situation.

Daniel Moore:

You know, when those boundaries are crossed or a choice is made in a marriage that's really detrimental to the relationship and it really puts you in that position where you got to think, okay, do I fight for this or do I flee from it? You know, put you in that fight where you got to think, ok, do I fight for this or do I flee from it? You know, put you in that fight or flight situation and of course, as we've discussed many times, divorce really should never be brought up in the marriage anyway. We always need to try to work through things with God, counseling church, whatever it may be. You need to get those resources in place to try to keep that divorce from happening, those resources in place to try to keep that divorce from happening.

Daniel Moore:

But a lot of times when people go through these situations where boundaries are broken and that trust is broken, that it does a work over on your relationship and it makes it really difficult. And I know, thinking back to the things that you and I went through, you know, I think on both sides of our equation there's a lot of things that happen that we're like what do we do now? You know it's like how do I handle this? You know there's no booklet for what you do when this stuff happens and unfortunately, some of that stuff is self-inflicted.

Michelle Moore:

Well, there is. Yeah, there is.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

It's just, if you allow it.

Daniel Moore:

Right.

Michelle Moore:

And you partake of it, yeah, and.

Daniel Moore:

Right and you partake of it. Yeah, and of course, if we follow that booklet which we're talking about, the Bible, obviously we honestly shouldn't get into those situations but being human beings, it happens Absolutely, as, again, there's no such thing as perfect broken. And if you guys are in that spot today where you've had a really great marriage at some point in your life but then one day something happened and your spouse crossed that line whether if it was self-instigated by you or if the spouse that you have actually instigated that that line was crossed and those questions started rolling in how do we fix this?

Daniel Moore:

Because you have to get past that and you have to amend and take care of those wounds in order to get back to that flourishing marriage that you had at the beginning, and that's the whole goal of this is, as we dedicate ourselves to another person for the rest of our life, we're going to know there's going to be ups and downs, those hills and valleys, and as we go along and we learn things we're going to have to figure out each time we get in that valley, how do we climb back up and get back to where that that mountaintop experience was at before that happened, and and also how do we keep that from happening again, you know.

Daniel Moore:

And so there's four steps here that we want to share today that can help you when these boundaries are broken and how these can be taken care of. And those four steps are consequences, grace, forgiveness and rebuilding trust. There's many, many ways that you can work through these things. Obviously there's all different kinds of plans and programs out there with counseling and that kind of thing that can help you, but this one here is another way that you can look at this and maybe these will help you today as we share these. So when boundaries are broken in marriage, healing typically unfolds through four steps. The first one is consequences and, michelle, I'm going to have you share what we have there under consequences for this first step.

Michelle Moore:

Sure. When a boundary is crossed, consequences are necessary, not as a punishment but as a way to protect the relationship and uphold what is right. This step affirms that broken boundaries are serious and helps prevent further harm. Consequences may involve emotional space, counseling, accountability measures or temporary changes in access or responsibility. They create a necessary pause for reflection and signal that respect and safety are non negotiable in a Christ centered marriage.

Daniel Moore:

OK. So when we come up to the situation and these boundaries are broken, we have to know that for every action there's a reaction. That's right, right. So anytime something happens, whether good or bad, in life not just saying just for marriage, just in life in general anytime something happens, there's always going to be a reaction to that, whether if it's good or bad, and that's obviously going to probably be based on what happened to begin with. That's obviously going to probably be based on what happened to begin with. That's right Now. When we break these boundaries, if we're expecting to fix all of this, we know there's going to be some consequences whenever this happens and we take that step and we break those.

Michelle Moore:

And I want to just stay on this right quick for a second, this right quick for a second. When you have a consequence whether, as Dan says, there's a reaction sometimes, it doesn't always just affect the other spouse. It affects the other people. Some other people could be your children, could be family, whatever it may be, there is consequences on anything that you do, whether it's good or bad. Just remember that if it isn't good and healthy, it's probably not affecting just the other spouse. It may be affecting other people.

Daniel Moore:

And we also got you know, we got to realize that whenever we do break those boundaries, we need to go back to try to find out what the root cause of that was Actually.

Michelle Moore:

that's what I was getting ready to say next.

Daniel Moore:

Because if that happened, there's a reason, really, that you broke that boundary. And so one of the very first things that we need to figure out is OK, why did I do this or why did you do this, what's the basis of why this happened? But now that it has happened, you know there's going to be some consequences to this that we're going to have to put into place to start this healing process. And as I read through some of these consequences that may have to be put into place, you know I recall some of them us doing that. You know, whenever we had that situation happen in our marriage, us doing that, you know, whenever we had that situation happen in our marriage, we had Situations, yeah.

Michelle Moore:

It wasn't just one.

Daniel Moore:

Plural yes, sorry, definitely.

Michelle Moore:

I was thinking the same thing. I was just like, you know, there's been so many things that we have walked in the consequences, you know, and, as you say, going back to the root of the problem, some of those decisions could happen over and over and over, and it was like why am I allowing myself to say these things and then come to find out as you get to the root of the problem, when you start praying about it? God revealed the hurt, the anger, anger. But you know, when he revealed why I was, and I was talking pretty much about when I was kind of really hateful and I was spouting a lot of hate towards you and it's that's not normal for me and you will, you know, and so I think I just let, I just tucked everything in there and not realize what I had tucked in my heart, and then it just started coming out. But once I found the root, god helped me and you know, it didn't matter what you said, it all came back to what was in my heart.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, what's in the heart? The abundance of the heart. The mouth speaks, as the Bible says.

Michelle Moore:

But that was the root.

Daniel Moore:

Definitely yeah.

Michelle Moore:

I mean, and it took praying.

Daniel Moore:

Like.

Michelle Moore:

God. Why do I keep doing this For him? To reveal that to you.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, and so whenever that did happen, you know I remember us having some emotional space. We had to kind of separate ourselves from each other for a little bit to kind of process exactly what just happened. That's usually one of those first things that takes place, usually. Now, you and I have never really been one big on getting counseling from anybody. I will say that, you know, with all of the damage that we did to each other in our marriage, I think it speaks to the fact that, you know, we always say that's a God thing that we're together and it truly is because we actually, with our testimony with the, you know, we always say that's a God thing that we're together and it truly is because we actually, with our testimony with the, you know the infidelity, the lies, all the stuff that you and I both did to each other over all of those years.

Daniel Moore:

We actually worked through all of that without actually going to counseling. And I know some people can't do that and that's good. If you need that, you need to get it Absolutely. But for us we actually I mean God. Just he was our counselor, he just worked us through all of that he did. But that is another consequence that may take place is you may have to lower your pride a little bit and go speak to someone else and pour your heart out to them and be open and transparent so that they can help you get to the root of what this issue is and what's causing this and start trying to work that healing.

Michelle Moore:

And I understand sometimes that pride gets in the way. But in all reality if you love your spouse and you do anything for them, it's OK to knock that pride off because that spouse is more worth it.

Daniel Moore:

Right, yeah, you hit it right on the head. How much is that marriage worth to you? Yeah, you know you sacrificed everything to win that person over so that you could marry them. That needs to continue as you go through your relationship in life. So definitely keep counseling in mind that that's probably going to be necessary Good Christian counseling. There's going to be necessary Good Christian counseling.

Daniel Moore:

There's going to be accountability measures. You know, is the spouse having issues with their phone? Are they texting girls or guys, or are they in websites? They shouldn't be in Facebook. Is that a problem?

Michelle Moore:

Or are they just on their phone?

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, are they just on the phone? So you may have to remove apps. Yeah, you know you may have to put accountability software on each other's devices or do it with another person so that they can hold you accountable. There's some things that some measures there that need to take place that are going to be a consequence if you break those boundaries and then temporary changes in access. I know, whenever we got to the lowest point of our relationship, I had really had no access to you and you didn't have any access to me, really because there was such a wall and a barrier between the two of us we really couldn't even speak rationally to each other. You're on your mind. You were already ready to move out.

Daniel Moore:

You were looking forward to finding that apartment, moving on with your life.

Daniel Moore:

You were done with me and you know I would come and try to communicate but you know that failed and you know I pushed myself back into kind of a state of pity, I guess you could say, realizing that a lot of the things that we were going through at that time I had caused, and so there's just a lot of emotions and a lot of things going on.

Daniel Moore:

When that takes place, and if those boundaries you know are some of the more severe boundaries that are crossed, then there's probably going to be some time there that the access between the two spouses is going to be limited until both of you can rationally work through the voices in your head and all the things that you're fighting up there to try to get back to that point where you can actually have a conversation and actually be able to communicate, you can actually have a conversation and actually be able to communicate. So that's the first step to healing these boundaries is to realize that there's consequences and you're going to have to make sure that those consequences, when they're put into place, that you allow them to change you.

Michelle Moore:

And I like the fact that what I read was, you know, create a necessary pause for reflection and signal that respect and safety are non-negotiable, and you know, I think about that.

Daniel Moore:

Especially in a Christ-centered marriage. You finish that sentence.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah, and I was thinking about that. You know, as the years have gone on since we, our restoration happened in our marriage, there's been numerous times that we'd step back and be like, okay, you know that reflection helps before speaking and on both sides, and you know, I see how important that is, especially as it says in the Christ-centered marriage. You know, because there's been times I'm like, ok, god, was it me that was out of line. You know, show me what I should have said differently, or how I should have used my tone differently, or what was it? Was I having a bad day? I go back to what was the root of that problem that I had said or, you know, same as you, we learned that and I'm so thankful that we have learned that, because now it's like OK, was that meant to be that way? Whatever, it's like no, we know better.

Daniel Moore:

We just worked through it. Yeah, that's really good. The second third step we're just going to kind of put together the second step is grace and the third one is forgiveness. And of course, to have forgiveness, you got to have the grace. They both go together. Grace steps in not to excuse the wrongdoing we definitely don't want to enable, for sure but it's to reflect the heart of Christ. It's a posture that sees the other person as more than their failure, because we know that failures a lot of times define people. They let their failures define who they are. Grace keeps the door open to redemption, allowing space for growth, repentance and change. It also softens the heart toward healing.

Daniel Moore:

Yes, it communicates love even in disappointment, and it reminds both spouses that restoration is possible even when it's hard and seems impossible. I love that. And then, if you have that grace, you move on to forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision to release the resentment and relinquish the right to retaliate. It doesn't mean forgetting or minimizing the offense, nor does it instantly restore trust. Instead, it honors Christ's example on the cross and frees the offended spouse from the burden of bitterness. Forgiveness is often a repeated choice. Forgiveness is an ongoing thing. It's not a one-time thing. Forgiveness is often a repeated choice. Forgiveness is an ongoing thing.

Michelle Moore:

It's not a one time.

Daniel Moore:

That's right. Yeah, forgiveness is an ongoing action that you're going to have to do for the rest of your life, but it's essential for the healing process to move forward.

Michelle Moore:

Those are both so good.

Daniel Moore:

And I remember whenever we were in our very bad situation, I didn't know if he was ever going to give me any grace, because it was down to the line there where it was. You know, I thought we were completely finished and I know you've shared a few times of how you got that grace back and that was just by the grace of God, it truly was. God put it back in there, and. But we always have to remember that we're not going to forget. I'll never forget what you did to me.

Daniel Moore:

No, and you're never going to forget. I'll never forget what you did to me, no, and you're never going to forget what I did to you. We're always going to remember that. Yeah, probably like it was yesterday, but the choice there is okay. Well, do I hold that against you or do I forgive you for it?

Michelle Moore:

Yeah, and we got to remember it's under the blood, right, I had asked for your forgiveness and I had asked God for his forgiveness and we got to remember. You may not forget. But the enemy is going to bring back those thoughts of, hey, you did this or to your spouse, hey, you remember what they did. You got to remember that's under the blood. You got to rebuke Satan if he is like tormenting you of stuff that you've done in the past and I had issues with that once we had reconciled and everything like that for a couple of years. But you know, you reassured me and you know, and God, I mean we just have to be careful that you know you can forgive but at the same time don't let the enemy sit there and bring those things back. I mean, like you said, I mean I can think of it just as easy. But now I'm like you know what you forgave me and God forgave me. If somebody else wants to judge me for what I did, that's on them. Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Because the two most important people are the ones that forgave me.

Daniel Moore:

And now we choose to use our pain to help others.

Michelle Moore:

Yes, absolutely.

Daniel Moore:

It's a testimony, yeah, to help others. Yes, absolutely it's a testimony. Yeah, it's what it is and you know so, if you work your way through this grace and forgiveness process and again this may take some counseling or it may take some good you know some good sources from some good biblical friends you know it may take some different steps outside the box to help you get to this point. But as you work through that grace and that forgiveness stage, then what's the fourth thing? What comes out of that?

Michelle Moore:

We rebuild trust.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, so share with us on that point.

Michelle Moore:

Trust is not restored overnight. It is rebuilt through consistent, humble and accountable actions over time. This step involves mutual effort. The one who broke the boundary must demonstrate genuine change while the wounded spouse gradually reopens their heart. Clear communication, transparency and small, faithful steps lay the bricks of a stronger, more honest relationship. With God's help, trust me, that was shattered can be rebuilt even stronger than before. And this, right here, is exactly the way we were. Yep. It took those small steps.

Daniel Moore:

And don't think it's going to happen overnight.

Michelle Moore:

No.

Daniel Moore:

So many people fall for that lie and their marriage never gets fixed.

Michelle Moore:

No.

Daniel Moore:

You know, they give it six months, they give it a year, they give it five years and then they're like, okay, I give up. This is not. It might take 15 years before that problem resolves itself completely. I mean, what's your life worth? What is your marriage actually worth? I know we keep bringing that up, but to me, if you can at least see just a little bit of progress, even if it's just a tiny bit, through a year, that's progress.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, and you know, if you truly love that person, you truly feel like that. You know you're there. God puts you in that place Over time. God will help you and maybe you need to look back. Maybe there's something you're going through with your own self that you haven't fixed yet that's causing that to not move along quicker and God's being slow with you trying to work on you to fix that issue, because you definitely don't want to repeat. So if you do not go through the steps to make sure that the grace and the forgiveness is true and that it's for sure been forgiven no questions asked, it could come back up again later if you're not careful. And forgiveness says that if I forgive you for this now, I'm not it's, I'm not going to bring it's not double jeopardy. You know I'm not going to bring it back up later if this is the case, because we fixed this already and I forgave you for it. So now I can't hold it against you anymore.

Michelle Moore:

That's all right. It's under the blood.

Daniel Moore:

It's under the blood, and so make sure that you know. Don't fall for that lie. Satan wants to throw that in your mind. It's like this has been five years. Are you really sure you want to keep dealing and going through this? You know Satan's going to, he's going to do that to you, but don't fall for it, because your marriage is worth it.

Daniel Moore:

Absolutely Once you get to the end and God has his complete blessing on that relationship. So that's the four steps, the consequences, grace, forgiveness and rebuilding trust. If you can work through those and there's a lot in there I mean we just kind of tipped the iceberg with it. Obviously, inside of that there's going to be tons and tons of therapy and you know emotions and all the different things that takes place as you try to fix all of that stuff and it could take years to get through those four steps, but it's worth it.

Michelle Moore:

And I know that diving into the Bible like I have a study Bible that has like forgiveness and love and all that, and underneath each one it has a bunch of scriptures. So dive into those scriptures and you know, study them out, you know and know that God is there, walking every step with you, and he wants you to succeed in your marriage.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, definitely. So what happens when your spouse repeatedly crosses a boundary? And I've seen this happen a lot. I know people right now that it happens constantly and it's a struggle for the other spouses, and I'm going to have you share what we have under that point there as we discuss this, because I know that some of you guys are listening out there. We've already been talking about when these boundaries are broken and sometimes we get to that point where we don't want to work on it long term because maybe your spouse is repeatedly continuing that cycle, and you know what do you do when that happens. Well, go ahead and share with us.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah, when a spouse repeatedly crosses a boundary, the best biblical course of action is to respond with balance of truth and grace, rooted in love, accountability and commitment to reconciliation. Begin with honest, prayerful communication, addressing the issue directly and expressing how the repeated behavior affects the relationship. And Matthew 18, 15 through 17,. I'll just paraphrase it. It says addressing offenses with truth and love. The behavior continues. Seek wise, godly counsel, such as a pastor or Christian counselor to help mediate and guide the process. And it has Proverbs 11, 14 throughout. Maintain a posture of forgiveness Ephesians 4, 32, but also hold firm to healthy, respectful boundaries that protect the marriage. God calls for unity, not enabling sin. Standing firm in love can lead to conviction, repentance and, ultimately, restoration.

Daniel Moore:

Galatians 6.1. So, as we can tell here, if this continues to happen, then we really need to get more people involved. Yeah, and I know a lot of people as we've already talked about don't like going to counseling. Counseling is a bad word. They bring it up and we can fix this on our own. We're not going to go get somebody else involved. You know how many times have you heard somebody say that? I've said that. I mean, I'm just going to say I'm guilty.

Daniel Moore:

But there does come to a point, though, where if, for some reason, the spouse, one of the spouses just cannot control themselves and they keep crossing these boundaries, you're not going to fix that again until we get to the root of what's causing it. For everything that takes place, there's a reason for it, and you have to go back and figure out and fix that, or the rest of it's not going to get fixed. It's just going to continue to cycle like that. And again, we emphasis Christian counseling pastors or good Christian counselors that are in those fields, and it's communication. You've got to be up front with each other and you've got to talk. If a boundary continues to be crossed, the other spouse has the right to ask questions.

Michelle Moore:

Well, let me ask you this If, for example, if I say, hey, dan, I don't appreciate, or you keep doing this and this is upsetting me, and you have a prideful manner, and after I say that and you tell me well, I realize what you're saying, but I don't care For some listeners out there I know they face that and it's like or I don't do that, how do you handle that?

Daniel Moore:

Then I think you know when that takes place. You're definitely going to start praying over that marriage.

Daniel Moore:

And you're going to have to pray for God to soften that heart and for that person to open up. And you need to also get some counseling. I think, on your own self you need to go to some biblical counselors and let them help you work through that some as well. There's lots of scriptures in the Bible and that kind of thing. Work through that some as well. There's lots of scriptures in the Bible and that kind of thing. If a spouse that's going through that situation with another spouse, that's just so either narcissistic or they're just they don't want to take blame for anything, we can't change them.

Daniel Moore:

Right, right, there's nothing we can do. You know they're making their own choices and saying what they're saying on their own and you cannot change the other person. But you can change you.

Michelle Moore:

And.

Daniel Moore:

Jesus when he came into many places. Jesus always changed other people's lives because of the way Jesus was, the way that he handled people with love and forgiveness and grace all the things that encompassed who Jesus was. The people around him changed most generally because of his presence and I truly feel that if a spouse just digs into the word, gives this to God, loves that spouse unconditionally, regardless. Keep your communications open, you know. Don't don't be accusatory. You know, make sure that when you do, don't say you did this and you did that, we've talked about this before.

Daniel Moore:

You need to come in and say well, you know when that happened, that really hurt me. You know, just kind of share your side of it on how you felt when all that went through, because as soon as you start putting the blame on somebody in the blame game nine times out of 10, they're going to get judgmental and they're going to go into mode of trying to justify everything that they were doing. I agree with that and so a lot of it is in how you approach that. But as you go to good Christian counselors, they can work you through that. They can tell you what the process is of how to handle all of that, and, and, of course, just pray. Yeah, that's the big thing.

Michelle Moore:

That's good, that's good.

Daniel Moore:

So the next one here is can you love someone and still say no or implement consequences? And we've talked about this before, so we're just going to skip through it real quick because we're getting here on time. But we've already discussed that, yes, you can deeply love your spouse and still say no or implement consequences when boundaries are broken, because true love includes both compassion and accountability. When you love somebody, it doesn't give them the license to trample and walk all over the top of you. If something happens and something takes place to get into the middle of that relationship and cause some problems, there still has to be some accountability there for what happened and what went wrong. And we know that when we accept accountability for anything that happens in our life, if we actually accept accountability for that, that's when that healing starts to happen. Because until somebody accepts accountability, it's nothing but a blame game. That's all it is. It's you did this, no, you did this. It's just back and forth. You're not going to rectify anything, and we need to understand that. You know, even in the Bible God disciplines those that he loves, and you can read about that in Hebrews 12, six.

Daniel Moore:

Healthy boundaries with consequences invite growth in your life. They invite responsibility and healing, proving that love is not just a feeling. Love is actually something you work towards. And so always remember that you have a commitment there that you can take to what is right and what is restorative in your marriage, and through all of those steps you can restore that back. And so don't let somebody just trample over the top of you.

Daniel Moore:

You need to make sure that you do put that's what a boundary is. You say no, this we've came to the line here, this has to stop. And then you start. You need to start working through that communication of how to rectify that issue and take that accountability and put it into place. So, as we continue this discussion here, boundaries are a path to unity. When Christ is at the center, boundaries don't divide. They clarify expectations and they foster trust. A Christ-centered marriage honors each person's dignity and growth. So, as we talk about this just a little bit here, how does Christ's example guide our approach to boundaries? Could you share with us what we have under that?

Michelle Moore:

Boundaries are not tools of division but pathways to unity, because they clarify expectations, protect what is sacred and foster mutual trust. If Christ is at the center, just as God gives loving guidelines for how we relate to Him and others, boundaries in marriage create clear lines of respect, responsibility and safety. Rather than driving a wedge. They remove confusion and conflict by defining what each person needs to feel secured and valued. When both spouses understand and honor these limits, trust deepens, communication improves and a stronger sense of partnership is formed. In this way, boundaries reflect God's design for order and peace, leading couples into deeper oneness and harmony in their relationship.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, that's really good, you know, I like how it says that it doesn't drive a wedge. Yeah, and that's one thing that we have to avoid, and we want to make sure, when we do sound a boundary, that we aren't driving a wedge because that's not the purpose of it. We aren't driving a wedge because that's not the purpose of it. We need to make sure that the boundaries the whole purpose of them is just to remove the confusion and conflict by defining what each person needs to feel secure and valued. That's the whole purpose of a boundary, and so if we can do that, then and keep Christ in the center of all of that, he'll help us set those good boundaries and put those in place the way that they are expected to be. So Christ has example in different places. He's a guide on our approach to boundaries, and Christ's example guides our approach to boundaries in a biblically based marriage by demonstrating selfless love, servant leadership and sacrificial commitment.

Daniel Moore:

In Ephesians 5.25, husbands are called to love their wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, setting a pattern of honoring and nurturing one another within healthy, respectful limits. Boundaries in marriage are not about control, but they're about creating a safe and loving space where both spouses can grow in godliness and intimacy. Just as Christ respected human freedom while still calling people to truth and holiness, couples are to honor their partner's personhood while seeking unity and oneness. By following Christ's humility, forgiveness and grace, spouses can establish boundaries that protect the relationship and reflect God's design for love and mutual submission. Christ's example guides us by modeling perfect love that is both compassionate and truthful, setting clear yet gracious limits to protect and restore relationships. Jesus consistently showed kindness and patience, but he also spoke truth boldly and maintained spiritual and emotional boundaries, turning away from distractions, calling out sin and prioritizing his mission In marriage.

Daniel Moore:

Following Christ means setting boundaries that honor and protect both spouses, reflecting his balance of grace and holiness. These boundaries aren't about control or judgment, but they're about creating a safe loving space where both partners can grow, be vulnerable and thrive together in unity and holiness, just as Christ intended for his followers. You can read about that in John 13, verses 34 and 35. I think that pretty well sums it up in a nutshell.

Daniel Moore:

When we understand and come to the realization that what we do in a marriage whether if it's boundaries or the way that we communicate with each other, the way that we live the way that we carry ourselves throughout our marriage, we're mirroring Christ and everything we're supposed to be mirroring Christ and everything that we do, as Christ set that model for us while he was here on earth, that relationship that he has with us, and that's how I'm to carry my relationship with you, and vice versa. So, as we close here today, what ways have boundaries strengthened your marriage? I'm going to ask you that question Is there some ways that you can think of that, the boundaries that we've put into place, that's actually strengthened the bond that you have between myself and you.

Michelle Moore:

Well, that was kind of on the spot.

Daniel Moore:

It was on the spot.

Michelle Moore:

I mean I feel like the boundaries that we have set in place. I mean I honestly we don't, I guess because our marriage now has been so healthy for so long doesn't mean that Satan doesn't attack it. But I mean I feel like our boundaries, whatever they may be, because I mean honestly, Well, I can tell you for myself, honestly.

Daniel Moore:

Well, I can tell you for myself. You know, with what happened in our relationship in the past, I know that you have boundaries in place right now with relationships with men, and I do the same thing with women because like.

Michelle Moore:

I don't think of those as boundaries anymore, because I just we don't but they're, that's because they're healthy. Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

You know when you because they're healthy, yeah, you know when you have a healthy boundary in place. So I myself, if I'm around a female that we're going to have a conversation or whatever, I try to make sure you're with me Absolutely. Or another person is there with me and we're not by ourselves and you know that I'll do that. So that strengthens that bond between me and you to where you trust me because you know that I'm not going to cross that line and the same with you.

Daniel Moore:

I know that if you're put yourself in a situation like that, there's a day back in the past I wouldn't have trusted you on that. Obviously, there's a day in the past you wouldn't have trusted me to do that. But now, because we've moved forward and we've fixed those things and put God in the middle of it and we've rectified those issues in our marriage, and that is a boundary that we set in place quite some time ago now, it's so weird that we set that and now I don't even think anything about it because I'm like I just wouldn't do it.

Michelle Moore:

You know, and I guess it's just become so normal for us that, yeah, and that's guess it's just become so normal for us.

Daniel Moore:

That, yeah, and that's because it's healthy. This is, this is what you want to strive for in your marriage, If you can get to a point where you have boundaries in place, just like I mean even our devices. Me and you both know the passwords to get on our phones, each one of them. You know the my email passwords, I know yours. I mean, it's just there's no secrets there and there's no reason to have those secrets. That strengthens my bond with you. That strengthens my marriage, because that lets me know that you do trust me, and that lets me. I want to let you know that I trust you and it's not just a cop out, just giving in and whatever.

Michelle Moore:

No, it's something I want to do, and one of our and I will say I do One of our boundaries is spending time together, like we we have to set one day aside, because we are so busy that it's like this is our day, I mean, and it may include our grandchildren or spending a day with our parents, or, you know, our moms or whatever, but we have one day. Yeah. That we really truly try to just sit for ourselves.

Daniel Moore:

Actually, and you know, Sometimes it's here recording a podcast.

Michelle Moore:

Yes, normally that's what it is. It's the one day that we have that we can sit together. But you know he respects me enough to know my morning times, like I just want a lounge, I want to eat breakfast, I want to have a cup of coffee and that's very important to me after a busy week that it's just me and him and we just kind of chill, and it is. It's recording the podcast, but you know, and the rest of the day we just do whatever. I wouldn't say we do whatever we want.

Michelle Moore:

It's usually always cleaning, but you know that is a boundary that I do have set, and he knows that we have to have that one day, you know.

Daniel Moore:

Well, I wanted to make this one point as we close this, and I'm not saying Michelle and my marriage is perfect, it's not. It is not it's great and it's better than it's ever been, and we very rarely have any issues, but it's not perfect.

Michelle Moore:

Can I say this right quick. Yes issues, but it's not perfect. Can I say this right quick? Yes, one of the things that I want to say is you know the enemy knows how to attack, and Dan and I know, because our marriage is Christ-centered we know when the enemy is trying to attack our marriage attack our marriage.

Michelle Moore:

We can see it. So we headed off quickly and I believe that every marriage you should have that and that's at Christ-centered marriage, because he's going to attack your marriage. We may have a great marriage, but that doesn't mean that he's going to try to attack us with everything he possibly can. But we recognize it's an enemy attack Right.

Daniel Moore:

There's spiritual warfare going on all the time, all around us, and but we recognize it's an enemy attack Right. There's spiritual warfare going on all the time all around us and a good Christian life that you're walking, if you're in the word and praying and you know aware, like you should be, you're going to recognize when those battles come along and those attacks happen.

Daniel Moore:

And he's going to attack and he's going to do it. But I love, I love the response you gave you. It worked out perfect when I asked you that question a while ago.

Michelle Moore:

I don't know that I really answered that question Well that's the thing.

Daniel Moore:

That's the whole point I wanted to make. How do you know when you have a good, healthy marriage and that you guys are actually doing a lot of things right? Well, when I ask you about boundaries, you don't even know we have any. And why is that? Because we are happily married. We are fully in love with each other. We look forward to every day when we wake up and go do things together. We love serving at church together. You know everything that we do. We're both included in that. We don't ever separate ourselves off. We have friends that we'll go out and eat dinner with and all that kind of thing. We'll, you know, have fun with our friends and that kind of thing. But 99% of what we do we're together.

Daniel Moore:

And I just want to let everybody know out there, if you're having issues with your marriage, that you're not happy and you've got stuff going on and you know problems that need rectified or whatever.

Daniel Moore:

Some of those issues maybe have to do with some of these boundary issues and that kind of thing that you both need to work through and try to figure that out. But for anybody that's going to say, well, how do you know when you finally got to that point where you've got a good marriage and everything's great. I can say it's probably just what happened a while ago, when I can sit there and ask you, how has a boundary strengthened your marriage? And you can't even think of it, because you don't even look at that like a boundary anymore. Well, really, I have to say that's probably when that marriage has kind of actually arrived at that point because you and I don't think about that stuff, because all we worried about is, you know, nurturing our love for each other every day. That's, that's what we do. You know, we don't worry about all this other stuff because it's taking care of itself.

Daniel Moore:

God's there with us and you know he's a big portion of what binds us together and he's given us a mission on this earth and you and I are doing the best we can to fulfill that mission and you know, that just brings a lot of joy into our relationship and everything. And you know, it really makes me feel good to know that we can both sit here now, discuss and talk about things like this and you know, realize that, hey, I guess that is a boundary. I just never thought of it, you know, because we don't look at it like a boundary anymore.

Daniel Moore:

No we just know that's a line we don't cross, yeah, you know, and so that actually worked out perfect. I wasn't sure how you'd answer that when I asked you.

Michelle Moore:

I was trying to think of it. I'm like, oh my gosh you caught me off guard, but then I'm like I don't really know that we have any.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, but in all reality we have all kinds of boundaries, but they are actually. I respect you. So those are things I just don't do because I respect you as my spouse. Yeah, you know, I care that you love me, I care that you want to be with me, I care that you want to spend your life with me. So therefore, I do not cross those lines. And so, is there anything else you want to add? Before we wrap this up? No, think we're good? Yeah, well, I hope you guys all enjoyed all of these episodes. I didn't think we'd have this many on boundaries, but it actually ended up being several and there's some great stuff. I think that God's helped us to share with you all.

Daniel Moore:

And as we leave, there's a few final takeaways here real quick that I want to share as we go. Just some reminders. Just remember that boundaries are not the enemy of intimacy. They're the framework of safety and flourishing. As we close this series on boundaries and marriage, remember this that boundaries are not barriers meant to keep love out. They're bridges that protect the sacred space between you and your spouse. They create that safety, that clarity, that respect, and they allow love to keep growing deeper and stronger, and that's what me and you were just talking about. God, in his wisdom, set boundaries from the very beginning because he knows how essential they are for flourishing relationships. When we honor these boundaries the emotional, the physical and the spiritual boundaries we reflect his love and holiness in our marriages. Boundaries invite us to take responsibility for ourselves while embracing grace for each other. They help us navigate challenges with honesty and humility, building trust rather than tearing it down.

Daniel Moore:

So today, as we leave this episode and this series, we encourage you to prayerfully consider where God might be inviting you to set or strengthen boundaries in your marriage. It might feel uncomfortable at first, and I guarantee you it's going to but with Christ at the center, these boundaries become pathways to greater intimacy, unity and freedom. And you might ask yourself that same question we asked a while ago in what ways have boundaries strengthened your marriage? You know that's something that you might think about. So, before we go today, I just want to challenge you to take an intentional step this week it's some homework toward healthy boundaries in your marriage. It could be having an honest conversation with your spouse about an area where you need clearer space, or learning to say no with love when something crosses your limits. Take time to pray together, asking God for wisdom, courage and grace as you navigate this journey through your marriage. And don't forget boundaries aren't about building walls. They're about creating a safe, loving environment where both of you can thrive.

Daniel Moore:

Well, if you guys found today's episode helpful, or any of these episodes on boundaries, if you know anyone that's struggling with this or having issues, please share these with other couples who might need encouragement. And join us the next time here as we come up with some more episodes, and we'll be moving on to other things here this next week. But as we go today, just don't forget that your marriage matters, your boundaries matter, and so, with all of that, let's just keep growing together. Well, that's going to do it for this week's episode, and we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode today. This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries and we pray that you have a blessed week.

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Daniel and Michelle Moore

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