Marriage Life and More

Living Alone Together - Separate Lives Pt 2 (Marriage Reset Series) - 268

• Daniel and Michelle Moore • Episode 268

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Feeling close shouldn’t feel complicated, yet so many couples end up living like polite roommates. We explore how that slow drift happens and what it really takes to turn back toward each other with clarity, courage, and care. Using the “monkey trap” metaphor, we unpack the defenses that keep love at arm’s length—self-reliance, secrecy, emotional walls, addiction, FOMO, and denial—and share how those patterns formed for us, how they hurt, and how we let them go.

From there, we get practical with Dr. Sue Johnson’s ARE framework: Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement. Accessibility asks if your partner can reach you when it counts, and how to hear the emotion beneath the words. Responsiveness focuses on empathy over advice, acknowledging that “I’m with you” beats “here’s how to fix it.” Engagement is the daily proof that your spouse is your priority—eye contact, gentle touch, protected time, and shared activities that make home feel safe again. We walk through a vivid story of a couple missing each other in a moment of stress, then rewrite the conversation with validation and warmth to show how connection is rebuilt in real time.

We round it out with actionable habits: check in before making plans, call each other first with news, guard a weekly date from hot topics, pick a hobby to enjoy together, prioritize sex and its bonding power, cuddle more, find couple friends who lift you up, speak needs out loud, and dream toward a future you both want. Along the way, we ground the journey in faith, honest self-examination, and, when needed, wise counseling. The goal is simple and bold: move from living alone together to a marriage where you can confidently answer, “Yes, you can count on me.”

If this helped, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs hope, and leave a quick review so more couples can find these tools. What’s one small habit you’ll start this week?



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Daniel Moore:

Usually if a spouse wants a solution, you're gonna ask for it. You know, I I mean I feel like that's the way that's gonna work.

Michelle Moore:

Every time I say something, you give me a solution. So what does that I didn't ask for it?

Daniel Moore:

Well, I'm just kidding. I guess I'm failing in this area.

Michelle Moore:

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm just joking around people because he doesn't do that to me.

Daniel Moore:

But this week on Marriage Life and More, we continue our series on marriage reset, roommates to soulmates in your marriage. We're gonna be finishing up episode six this week. We'll be back with that right after this. We interview people that have inspiring stories. I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and singing over here next to me is my awesome, beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.

Michelle Moore:

Hey, hey.

Daniel Moore:

Thank you guys for joining us this week. If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandmore.com for our platforms. Our YouTube and Rumble links are there. We're also on the Christian Podcasting app Edify, and we're also on your Alexa and Google Smart devices. You can also visit us on social, on Facebook, Instagram, and X at CTGaponline. If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms, give us a thumbs up or five-star review on Apple Podcasts, and we'd be grateful to you for doing that. Well, last week we started off a really awesome discussion, actually, on being alone being alone, you know, being married, but uh feeling like that we're alone, feeling like that we're living in separate lives, even in that marriage. And we covered a lot of good territory. This week we're gonna go ahead and continue that and finish up that episode. And that episode is episode six, and the title of this one is Living Alone Together. Separate lives. Hunters take a small container or jar with a narrow neck just wide enough for the monkey to fit its hand through when open. They place something shiny or sweet inside, you know, something a little irresistible. Once the monkey grabs hold, its fist becomes too large to pull back out. Refusing to release the prize, it stays stuck. Now the trap doesn't physically restrain the monkey, the animal simply won't loosen its grip. Well, we can fall into the same trap in our own lives. We cling to patterns, beliefs, or emotions that end up keeping us stuck. And even when they're hurting us or our relationships, we struggle to let them go. Now that was exactly my experience. When Michelle and I started feeling lonely in our marriage, I didn't respond with understanding. Instead, I got defensive, which I'm really good at. I withdrew emotionally, feeling like I was failing not just as a husband, but as a provider and a father too. I was already discouraged from the collapse of my job, and now I felt even more inadequate. Looking back, I realized I had my own version of that monkey trap pain, pride, and shame, and I was holding on to it. I wouldn't let go out of fear and self-protection. A verse that can help you gain clarity in situations like this is Psalm 4.4, and that scripture says, Be angry and do not sin, reflect in your heart while on your bed, and be still. Rather than letting my frustration push me further into isolation, I needed to slow down and honestly evaluate what was fueling my withdrawal and my sadness. That moment of self-examination became the first step toward healing. So what is your monkey trap? What is it that you are clinging on to that's holding you back? You know, just like me, you might be carrying the weight of an old wound. Someone hurt you deeply and you haven't been able to release the pain. In other situations, living disconnectedly can stem from your family background. Maybe you grew up without a healthy example of a close united marriage, and you've never seen how partnership and emotional connection really play out. Without that model, it's hard to know what interdependence really should look like. You could also be in a relationship that feels emotionally or even physically unsafe. Whether due to frequent arguments, sarcasm, criticism, manipulation, or harsh interactions, walking on eggshells creates a distance. And for some couples, the disconnection grows simply because there's no shared vision. And you may never have created long-term goals together or imagined what you both want your life as a couple to look like. Without purpose and direction, a relationship can quietly drift apart. So it's important to distinguish between temporary seasons of distance and long-term disconnection. Short-term disconnection often has a clear reason. You know, you may have a newborn, or you may have a stressful job transition that takes place, or maybe you're caring for a loved one. But those situations and those seasons usually pass. But over time, lack of clarity and unresolved issues can create a vague, ongoing separation. So what is it that you're holding on to that's keeping you stuck in that place? Well, as we start off this episode this week, we're going to take a moment to consider if it could be maybe one of these things that we're going to share with you. And Michelle, I'm going to have you share the first one here.

Michelle Moore:

Self-reliance. Are you fiercely holding on to your independence? Growing up, maybe you had to fend for yourself, so it's hard to depend upon someone else. Your belief might be I have to do everything myself because I can't trust anyone. So you convinced yourself that you shouldn't depend on anyone.

Daniel Moore:

So I see this a lot in people that get divorced and then they're single for a while. And when they get remarried, they have a hard time giving up that inner independence, I guess is the word I'm looking for. Because they've for so long have done things on their own. Yeah. And they've taken care of, especially if it's a single parent, you know, they're the ones that ended up with the children. So now by themselves for several years now, they've been raising the kids, they've been feeding them, clothing them, uh, getting them to school. They've been doing everything to take care of that family unit. And so when the time comes, especially I think the longer it goes that you're single, the worse that can get, because you can really feel like you just don't need anybody else, but you but yet you do. You know, you want to get remarried, you want to have that spouse and that relationship, and you think everything's gonna be great when that happens, but all of a sudden you finally walk down that aisle, you get remarried, and then you can't let go.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And it's like you're you're pushing the other spouse out all the time. So I can do this, I don't need you. I've been doing this for five years. Why do I need your help? You know, and it's something that's usually unintentional.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

I think a lot of times the spouses don't realize that. And honestly, I think we had some of that, especially with me. I was single-than me. Yeah, I was single for five years, and I think there was a disconnect that happened in our marriage, I think, that kind of reflected that in myself. Because when I came into our relationship, it was hard for me to let you become involved in in me and who I was because I was holding on to the the single stuff, the single traits that I had. And so that trap is of self-reliance can keep your relationship from growing. I mean, what did it do to ours? It eventually separated us. That was one of our fights, that was one of our arguments because I would not let you in. Uh, many times you would want to be involved in things, you you'd want to be a part of my world, but I felt like I could do it all, and I didn't see any reason to let you get involved. And so I think that whenever, you know, that happens, and there it like in our situation when that happened with us, how did that make you feel when I tried to do it all and never would let you be a part of it? What what did that kind of strike up inside of you and your in your feelings and how you felt about our relationship and our connection?

Michelle Moore:

Because I always felt like I wasn't good enough.

Daniel Moore:

And so with that being the case, uh it makes that relationship hard to to grow. Yeah, basically. Uh what's the next one?

Michelle Moore:

Secrecy. Are you hiding past abuse, financial missteps, infidelity, a past mistake or ongoing sin? Secrets require some degree of disconnect. To keep a secret concealed, you have to compartmentalize your heart and keep that part hidden from your spouse. Otherwise, the risk is that a close connection might expose your secret.

Daniel Moore:

And boy, do we know about this one. What's the one thing that you used to always tell me when we were married when I was very mysterious? You always told me that you felt like had a secret in a closet somewhere. Yes. This deep dark secret that I was not telling anybody.

Michelle Moore:

Oh, as I'm reading this, I'm just like thinking of I'm like, wow, this is hitting home. This is just really a lot that yes.

Daniel Moore:

Secrets are not good. Secrets are part of what destroyed Michelle and I's marriage.

Michelle Moore:

Whether it was on your side and my side, so both sides.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. And I, you know, if you again, if you refer him back to episode 199 of my mine and Michelle's uh testimony, uh, you'll hear a lot about some of the things that went on in our relationship when we first got married. You know, I felt like I was ready to get married. I love Michelle. I wanted to be with her, I wanted her to be my everything. And so I kind of finally got to the point where we got married and everything, and then I decided I was gonna let her have certain things and not others. And, you know, she didn't know that. And there were things that I was keeping secret behind her back. And as those secrets start coming out, it actually can get kind of worse because then the other spouse, you know, I know many times you're thinking, well, what's next? What other secret are you keeping? You know? It's like it's almost hard to empty that closet once you start emptying it, because especially if, you know, secret comes out and then you go for a while and you think everything's fine. Oh, there's another secret. Now that one came out, and then you go for a while and there's another secret. That how many secrets do you have in your closet? You know, that can really cause a lot of issues.

Michelle Moore:

Well, it goes into the next one that we're going to talk about. Yeah, go ahead and it talks about emotional walls. Well, emotional walls are brought up, especially if you have secrets.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

But it talks about do you avoid intimacy or have a difficult time connecting emotionally? Do you have high thick walls to prevent getting hurt? Love is risky. Maybe you grew up with parents who were neglectful or abusive. Perhaps you've really had a bad dating experience in the past. As a result, it's hard to open up and trust that spouse will be there for you. And I think that's what I did is I brought up walls because the secrecy that was coming out, I was like, all right, what's next? You know, and like you were saying, you bring up those walls. And it's so easy. I don't, I think sometimes as women, I think it's easier to put up walls and kind of just a little bit, have a little bit of your wife and not a not a whole lot. And it's because you don't want to get hurt.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Or you again, you've been hurt in the past or whatever.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. And then it ended up pushing you into having secrets.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

Because big secrets. That emotional uh distract those emotional distractions that we had and that distance uh that was created because of the actual relationship that both of us had between each other ended up separating us because we really just couldn't get to the core of who each of us were. You especially at the beginning, me, you couldn't get to the core of who I was because I was holding back. And you know, I had my monkey trap going on there. I was grabbing onto that stuff and not letting go. And so before long, because it went so long that it happened, it ended up pushing you away, which you created those walls at that point. And that's when it starts getting very dangerous because it's hard to come back from that when you get that far into it.

Michelle Moore:

Well, then you're basing everything on emotions, yeah. And emotions are not good to go by.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, and it I think too, it starts putting a spotlight on us because then as the as the individual that's being kind of kept outside the door, they're starting to think, you know, uh, where do I matter in this equation? You know, and why am I not important enough to know what's going on? And you know, whenever all that kind of thing starts happening in your mind, then it starts playing mind games with that person. And, you know, it's then it's gonna take a lot more for that other spouse to prove themselves. Right. If they if they do decide to let the secrets all out and just clean their closet, it's gonna take a while to build that trust again because you have that trust issue that's involved in that as well. There's so many things that wraps around wraps around that whole thing. People a lot of times don't realize that you're building a building when you do that kind of thing. Every story is another emotion or another issue that you're gonna have to fix later if you continue to let that build. It's good. You know, you've got the seven or eight story building standing there now with trust and discontent and lies and secrecy and all these things that can be built up over time with multiple doors. Yes, you eventually you have to bring all that back down again.

Michelle Moore:

That's a good analogy.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, you know, and so you can just create something monstrous if you're not careful that's almost hard to overcome. And if in all reality, a lot of it isn't overcome until we bring Christ into it.

Michelle Moore:

Right.

Daniel Moore:

We have to allow God to work us over. So what's the next one there?

Michelle Moore:

Addiction. Um, are you clenching firmly to an addiction? Behaviors such as workaholism, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, pornography, or shopping can monopolize your time and requires distance from your spouse to maintain the addiction.

Daniel Moore:

And this one here is really self-explanatory. Anytime you have an addiction in your life, it's going to automatically affect not only you, but everybody else around you. That's right. A lot of times, these people that are addicted, they think, well, this is just my problem. You know, this doesn't affect anybody else. This is just me that's got this issue, and I'm the one that's got to deal with it. I'll fix it eventually. It's all gonna work out, it's gonna be fine. But they're not seeing the whole big picture of what's going on outside that circle that they're keeping themselves embedded in with that addiction in their life, and it's actually affecting because there's people out there that actually love you more than anything, and the last thing they want to see is you go through something like this with an addiction or a life-controlling issue in your life that you can't seem to get control of. Uh, there are people out there that really love you and want to help fix that. And the more that you push them away and push them away because you're, you know, saturated in your own little circle here with everything going on in your own life and you don't want to fix any of it. And it's usually just a gradual downgrade in your life because it's gonna affect you in the long run. It's gonna become so bad that it's gonna literally define who you are at some point.

Michelle Moore:

So good.

Daniel Moore:

So it does affect everybody else. It's not just you that's infected affected in that, especially in a marriage. Um, if you have an addiction in a marriage, you're gonna push a spouse away faster than anything if you're not careful uh when they have to continually deal with a pornography issue or drugs or alcoholism, whatever it may be. Uh, spouses can love you tremendously with all their heart, but they can only handle so much of that hurt and pain that's going on in your life because when you're married, you share that pain and everything in your life with your spouse. They live in that same home with you and they see everything that you're going through. So addiction is another thing that may be your monkey trap that you're not letting go of so that your life can get better. Go ahead and share the next two with us.

Michelle Moore:

Uh, FOMO, are you snared by the fear of missing out? If you are worried that you may miss something exciting, then you prioritize everything and everyone else above your marriage. Um, denial. Do you refuse to confront a lingering problem in your marriage? Maybe you're afraid to rock the boat. The fear is if you peel back the layers of hurt and pain, you won't survive. Your marriage will end. So it's easier to avoid the issues and live separate lives rather than facing whatever caused you to detach in the first place. No matter what the specific reason behind the distance in your relationship, keep in mind that most people won't stay in a lonely marriage forever. Don't ignore the warning signs or hope that time alone will heal things. It's important to take this seriously and make a move toward resolving deeper issues, your personal trap that keeps you stuck. A one-off date night or a short vacation won't fix the foundation.

Daniel Moore:

And so these things are just a few things. Yeah. There's many other things that can be your monkey trap. It's up to you to figure out what that is. And it's not that hard when the other spouse is trying to tell you what it is.

Michelle Moore:

Yep.

Daniel Moore:

You know, the people that are around you can usually see the problems that you have within yourself because they because they eventually come out. Yeah. And uh, and not to not to be in a criticizing, you know, attitude towards it, but if you really truly love someone and you see somebody that's hurting, that's going through a a lot of emotional turmoil in their life, and you want to help fix that, you eventually have to call that out. Right. And you have to try to walk through that that season of life with them to try to help fix that issue and make things better. So if any of those things resonate with any of you guys out there that that you've been wondering, you know, why is my marriage not moving forward? Why am I having all of these issues? Uh, maybe think about well, what what's trapping you in that spot you're in right now? It's got to be something that you're holding on to or something that your spouse is holding on to that's creating that issue, and you have to figure out how to pry them fingers open and let that thing go.

Michelle Moore:

So good.

Daniel Moore:

And so that you can get loose from that. And you know, for us, change didn't happen for us overnight.

Michelle Moore:

No, not at all.

Daniel Moore:

It took time, effort, and overall it took it took God's hand. I mean, absolutely. If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be sitting here right now. And you know, I began to heal from my depression, my sense of failure, and slowly our family relationships and marriage were mended. And as I began to let go of what was weighing me down, we both made the conscious decision to build new patterns that brought us closer together. And all of you out there that are going through stuff like this that's similar to what Michelle and I have been through, or maybe it might be a little bit different, but the end result's still the same. You know, you guys can do the same thing. Start by identifying what you need to release and then begin introducing small intentional actions that encourage connection and closeness in your relationship and your marriage. So start with your own monkey trap issues and then add in behaviors that create togetherness in your marriage. So as we move on into the togetherness part of this, uh, Michelle, why don't you go ahead and share that with us?

Michelle Moore:

Remember Jeff and Lindsay from the earlier in the episode last week? Over time, they've grown apart, living alongside each other more like roommates than partners. A recent moment shows how disconnected they've become emotionally. Lindsay had a rough day working as a trauma nurse in an emergency room. Frustrated and exhausted, she told Jeff. A teenager came in after a car wreck and nearly didn't make it. As I tried to stabilize him, one of the new doctors started shouting at me to move faster. Even though we were working with a tricky IV setup, I did everything I could. And she just humiliated me in front of everyone. Jeff's response didn't help. Well, why didn't you snap back at her? You should have told her to back off and do it herself if she thought she could do it better. Lindsay, clearly hurt, replied, Seriously, Jeff, I just wanted to talk. It's like you don't hear me at all. Jeff tried to explain. I was listening. I just need you to stand up for yourself more. But Lindsay had already walked away, feeling more alone than ever. When partners live emotionally separate lives like this, it can feel isolating and painful. But the silver lining is that the reconnection is possible if both are willing to invest the time and effort. Think of the pair of roads on the horizon appearing to emerge even if they're still separate tracks. With dedication, couples can move toward emotional closeness again. That kind of emotional connection hinges on being emotionally available to one another. Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of emotionally focused therapy, one of the most evidence-backed forms of couples counseling, puts it simply. The key to keeping love alive and reawakening connection is the emotional responsiveness. The core idea of being emotionally there for your partner is what truly sustains meaningful relationships. In her book, Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Johnson breaks this down into three essential ingredients. Capture the acronym of A, R, E. A is for accessibility, R is for responsiveness, and E is for engagement. These traits help answer that unspoken but crucial question partners ask each other. Can I count on you to be here for me? When that question is answered with confident, consistent presence, relationships grow deeper and more secure.

Daniel Moore:

And here in a second, we're going to go through those three. But I see this issue quite often, and this is a communication thing, uh, where the spouses, when they come in and they want to vent, uh it's a natural instinct for, especially for guys, if it's the wife that's venting, the guys want to fix the problem.

Michelle Moore:

Right. Or tell you how to fix it.

Daniel Moore:

Tell you how to fix it.

Michelle Moore:

I was gonna say it's more like tell you how to fix it.

Daniel Moore:

And women are not wired like that. You know, that's just not that's not what they're after.

Michelle Moore:

No, we just want to hear, just let you be like, oh, you know, it's gonna be okay.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, they just want some emotional interaction with what's going on in their life right now and some reaffirm reaffirmation, some reassurance that everything's gonna be okay. And, you know, the first thing that us guys, the first instincts we have is to make a comment like Jeff did there. Well, you should just tell them what for and just tell them to get on down the road, you know, and just uh start telling them all these things that they need to be doing when more often than not, the guy probably wouldn't have done that either to their boss. So it's not like you know, it's not like they're uh saying telling you to do something they would have done in the first place as well. Um, so we have to understand how we need to communicate with each other through these things to avoid having these emotional disconnects and cause this separation between spouses. And so as Michelle was reading there, she was talking about the acronym R as accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. So the first one is accessibility. And what that is actually referring to is can I reach you? You know, being accessible in a relationship starts with recognizing your partner's attempt to connect, an emotional invitation, even if it's small or subtle. It means being mentally and emotionally present and responding with openness. When Lindsay began describing her tough experience at work, she wasn't just recounting her day. Lindsay was reaching out. She was signaling that she needed support. Being emotionally available means tuning in to the emotions behind the words. Often when a partner is upset, the surface level emotions like anger, stress, or irritation are easy to spot. But underneath those are more vulnerable, feelings like shame, insignificance, rejection, or inadequacy. Emotions that take more awareness to recognize. Accessibility involves welcoming both the visible and the unspoken emotional layers. Rather than dismiss or fix these feelings, being accessible is about staying genuinely curious and conveying. Even if I don't fully relate to your emotion, I value and I accept it. Here, Jeff missed an opportunity when he jumped to advising Lindsay instead of validating her emotional pain. Imagine if he had responded to this way. That must have been awful to be criticized like that in front of everyone, instead of trying to provide a solution. This type of statement shows that he's emotionally present. He could then dig a little deeper and say, It sounds like you really felt disrespected and small in that moment. You know, these kinds of responses acknowledge her emotional reality and invite a deeper connection. It's like saying, Can you help me understand more and how that affected you? Lindsay, like many people, is perfectly capable of handling a conflict. The complication in the relationship is that both she and Jeff rely heavily on their independence. They're used to managing problems on their own. But emotional connection isn't about solving each other's problems, it's about sharing the emotional weight. When we become emotionally available, we create space to carry part of that load for our partner. A healthy relationship involves coming alongside one another in difficulty. As shared in Galatians 6.2, we're encouraged to carry one another's burdens, those emotional weights that are too heavy to shoulder alone. Whether it's the shame of being publicly criticized or the stress of daily struggles, emotional availability is how we truly support one another. Jeff had the chance to help carry the emotional burden that Lindsay carried home with her. That begins simply by being emotionally accessible. And goodness, this is a tough one because I this is so hard to not do.

Michelle Moore:

I was getting ready to say there's times you'll come home and say stuff to me, and I'm like, well, blah, blah, blah. And we both laugh it off because it's like, I know. It's like, you know, but I mean, it's hard not to do.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, it's very difficult not to do that. Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Um even in our marriage today, that can be challenging.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

But we both know each other. I mean, we know we're gonna support each other no matter what. And then I like how she said, or what was it where they were used? It sounds like it felt really disrespected in a small moment of can you help me understand more about how that affected you? I mean, I don't know that I really say that when you come home and just kind of debrief on me.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

How did that make you feel? I think I'm gonna try that from now on. So you can share your feelings with me.

Daniel Moore:

I mean, usually if a spouse wants a solution, you're gonna ask for it. You know, I I mean, I feel like that's the way that's gonna work.

Michelle Moore:

Well, every time I say something, you give me a solution. So what does that no? I didn't ask for it.

Daniel Moore:

Well, I'm just kidding. I guess I'm failing in this area.

Michelle Moore:

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm just joking around people because he doesn't do that to me.

Daniel Moore:

But no, I try not to. No, uh, I it's kind of one of those things where as you talk to someone, you have to kind of read the in-between the lines type of thing, I guess is the best way to put that. Uh, because it is, it's real easy when somebody that's special to you or important in your life is going through a crisis and they come in venting about what's happened and what's going on, and all this, you know, it's gave them a headache and they're feeling bad and whatever. Our first intuition is to jump right in and say, Well, I'm gonna go, I'm just gonna help you solve this whole problem right here and now. And but in all reality, especially from the women's side of it, that's not usually what they're asking for.

Michelle Moore:

No, and if we really have something like that, it's always with our kids.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, most generally, yes. That is a big one, especially if they're younger. Yeah, that that is a tough one there because that is a issue or a problem that needs a solution. And so not always, it's real. Easy to just jump into uh fixing mode.

Michelle Moore:

Again, you have a mama's heart and you have you know daddy's heart that's more firm, and it's like I I don't I don't know about that.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, difference and uh reflection on what's going on and and how to handle those situations. But I think a lot of this is just conversation, really. Uh we just need to try to understand each other as far as when these conversations take place. What is it exactly that is needed in this moment?

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And to carry on this conversation and to try to help affirm each other and to make each other, you know, feel confident in who they are and what they've done. You know, this I'm sure made Lindsay feel very unconfident in herself with uh a doctor yelling at her and you know, kind of this negativity that was placed upon her. I'm sure that messed with, well, I know what I'm doing. You know, it's like, am I really failing at this, like, you know, like insinuating that I'm failing or what's going on, you know? And if that does not get fixed at work, then she's gonna come home and talk to her spouse about it. And that's the husband's spot at that point to reaffirm. And, you know, here Jeff should have reaffirmed in Lindsay that, hey, you know what you're doing, you're you're great at this, you know. I mean, don't worry about any of that, you know, you do a fantastic job. Uh, just let her he should have just let her vent and just work through the that conversation with her, and that way she came out on the other side in a positive way, you know, knowing that Jeff had her back.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And he wasn't telling her to go, you know, do the slap down on the doctor the next day when she got to work. You know, I was like, that's a good way to get fired. Yes. So yeah, uh, so accessibility can can you be reached when your spouse talks to you. Uh, are you really listening? Are you really trying to understand your spouse and what they're trying to convey to you in that moment? And if you don't understand that, you need to work on it. You need to practice what it takes to make sure that your conversations are fulfilling and that both of you are getting the conversation between each other that you both should be getting.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

So the second one is responsiveness. Won't you share that one with us?

Michelle Moore:

Um, it's not enough to simply notice that your partner is going through just something difficult. They also need to know that their emotions matter to you. This starts with responsiveness. When your partner reaches out, respond in a way that shows you value their attempt. If you're in the middle of something and can't engage at that moment, acknowledge them. Say something like, I really want to hear what you're saying. Can we come back to it in an hour? Then make sure you circle back and initiate that conversation. Ignoring or rushing past your partner's efforts to connect sends a clear message of distance and disinterest. Over time, this kind of emotional neglect can cause you to drift into parallel lives, coexisting under one roof without real connection. Responsiveness is rooted in empathy. While sympathy means feeling sorry for someone, empathy goes deeper. It's about being emotionally present with them. It's stepping into their shoes and their experience as best as you can with what they're feeling. When Lindsay came home drained and frustrated from her shift, Jeff may have felt sympathetic. He likely recognized she was upset, but instead of leaning in with empathy, he defaulted to advice, offering solutions rather than seeing through her eyes. This is a common trap trying to fix uh rather than fill. Empathy doesn't mean agreeing with every emotion, but it does mean validating the experience. When you sit with someone in their pain, when you respond to their emotional reality, you show them that they matter. You tell them, not with words alone, but with presence. What you're feeling is significant to me because you are significant to me. That's the heart of true responsiveness. I love that. That is so good. Very good.

Daniel Moore:

And guys, always remember I hear this quite often where spouses will say, you know, especially men, my wife is so emotional. I just can't handle it, you know. And they actually kind of make that a crum wanna say it's a crutch, but it's a it's an they make it an issue, I guess, is the best way to put that. And but in all reality, women are made different from men. And in the the way that a woman is created, the way that God created her, um, women are more emotional in nature. They are the more sympathetic, they are very much better at at uh the empathy side of things than men typically are. And so it takes a little bit of extra for us guys sometimes to step up and try to put ourselves in our spouses' shoes because like it says here, the common thing that we try to do is to fix it. That's the first thing we want to jump to is to fix it and not try to really feel what our spouses are going through. And so as long as we don't understand, like if like Michelle, if she comes home to me and she's venting on me about something that's happened all day long, and she goes through this whole spill, she thinks I'm sitting there totally engaged, she thinks I'm sitting there totally listening to everything she says, and she finishes and she's waiting on me to respond. And the first thing that I do is I come back and I start barking all these orders that you need to go back to work tomorrow, you need to do this, you need to do that, I'd do this and that, and whatever. And then I turn and I walk off and go do my whatever I was doing. Would you have felt that I heard one word that you just said? Absolutely not. I mean, and that's what most guys do. In all reality, that's what happens a lot of times in relationships between husbands and their wives. Guys don't realize it a lot of times, I don't think. I don't think they do it on purpose a lot of times. But as a guy, we don't understand sometimes until this is brought up to the forefront and explained to husbands. I don't think a lot of times men understand how to really properly communicate with a woman when they're emotionally driven. And so, and a lot of that's our own fault because we choose not to dig into who our wives truly are and understand the root and the core of who they are. It's a it's a superficial kind of understanding that we have of our spouses. And so we have to make sure that whenever those conversations take place, you know, anytime that you're having a bad day and you're telling me what's going on, you're wanting me to soak that up. Yeah. You know, you're wanting me to understand what's been going on with you that day. You're in a bad state right at that moment, you know, upset, whatever it may be. And you want to know that I understand why you're going through that. Not that you're stupid for going through that. You know, that's not what you want to hear from me. Uh, you want to know that I understand that I'm gonna step into your shoes and try to understand what you're going through. And now, like I said earlier, this conversation may eventually come back around to the wife, may well, what would you do in this situation? Well, that's an open door to try to help fix it at that point. But don't try to jump into that too soon because your wife wants to know that she's being heard, and so do us guys. There's times that we wanted our wives to hear us. It goes both ways. And so make sure that you're hearing first and then follow the prompts and read between the lines and try to work through that conversation so that both of you are positively fulfilled at the end of it to know that each again that each one of you have each other's back. And is there anything that you wanted to add to that one?

Michelle Moore:

No, I think that one's really good though. I really, really like that one.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, this this is another good lesson really on communication.

Michelle Moore:

I like the fact that it broke it down on empathy and sympathy.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. Uh it is hard for guys to to show empathy because a lot of times we don't want to really put ourselves in somebody else's shoes. Uh, we just we're as a guy, you know, our natural, as it says, our natural tendency is to fix things. And so while the conversation's taking place, if somebody's telling us an issue or whatever, the last thing that we're thinking about right now is I'm gonna sit here and feel what you're feeling. I'm gonna put myself in your shoes and totally understand this moment. No, the whole time this conversation is going on, my mind's already racing five minutes ahead. Okay, I'm gonna tell her to do this, I'm gonna tell her to do that, this is what I would do, this is what they would do. Uh, that's automatically what's populating in my head at the moment. So as soon as you're done talking, that's what I'm gonna release. And we have to train our minds not to think that way. We have to make sure that we change that. And so the final one here was engagement. And engagement kind of deals with do I know you will value me and stay close. Engagement involves taking intentional steps to make your partner feel deeply seen, cherished, and emotionally close. It's not about grand gestures, but rather focused attention that communicates you matter to me above anyone else. Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson explains that to be engaged means to be drawn in, captivated, and emotionally present. In a romantic relationship, engagement means sharing a kind of attention that you wouldn't give to just anyone. It's a deeper connection reserved for someone that you love. This includes more lingering eye contact, affectionate touch, and making space to be emotionally available. Being engaged is about showing your partner that their presence moves you, that they are a priority and not an afterthought. You engage with your spouse when you recognize their worth and treat them accordingly, placing the kind of value on them as you would for something rare and irreplaceable. It's about showing them through your actions and words that they are the most important person in the room. One powerful way to build engagement is by sharing activities that foster closeness and joint involvement. Whether it's taking a walk together, cooking a meal side by side, or simply setting aside time each day to reflect on your day together, these moments of shared participation help reinforce your bond. As you begin to address the rifts in your relationship, choosing to prioritize engagement-oriented activities can be a powerful step in moving from emotional distance to connection. These shared moments create space for unity and emotional intimacy, helping transform disconnection into renewed closeness. And this one here I think is very important as well. And one thing that I actually I've told several people before when I've been talking to them uh in a marriage mentor uh moment when I was mentoring people, uh guys especially, I would tell them that, you know, when I walk into a room and Michelle is in that room, in my opinion, Michelle is the most important person in there. She's my spouse. I'm super proud of her. She's the one that I raised, I raise up above anybody else that's in that room. And every spouse should be that way. And when you look at your spouse and you understand who they are as the person that you've married and the person that you've chosen to be with for the rest of your life, that no matter where you go, that spouse should be the most important person, but the best person in that room, no matter where you're where you're at. And that's the way that you should look at that. And the only way that we can make that happen is to make sure that the engagement that we have between each other is on that level and that it needs to be so that we can totally understand who each other truly is. How some of the ways to do this is like the lingering eye contact or the affectionate touch, you know, the making the space to be emotionally available. Those are some of the first things that go whenever you start having problems in your relationship. Those are the actual things that kind of physically put you guys together. And that's one of the first things that kind of go to the wayside. And so, you know, whenever it comes time to be engaging with your spouse, you need to make sure that every conversation that you have, regardless of what it is, needs to end on a positive note.

Michelle Moore:

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore:

It needs to end on a spot that, okay, I I do see you, I do understand what's going on in your life right now. I want you to know that I am here for you. Right. Whatever it may take to make sure we get through this moment or through this time, whatever it is through this season, uh, we should make sure that we have fully engaged in that conversation so that we both feel comfortable and have a resolution in the end of that. So, what do you anything you want to add to that one?

Michelle Moore:

No, that's you've good. It's very good. Good, good.

Daniel Moore:

Well, I really like this acronym. And I think that you know, most of you guys out there, if you just make a note of this, you can go back and listen to this episode again. Uh, the ARE acronym, being accessible, being responsive, and then engaging with your your uh spouses. So good. There's just a lot of material here that you can put into play, I think, that'll help build your relationship to a stronger place. And so uh definitely some stuff that you need to to make note of. So some ways that you can actually, as we close here today, uh there are some ways here that you can actually put into place that can kind of help with this engagement to make sure that you do stay close to each other and that you do show each other and that you're valued. And Michelle, why don't you share those with us?

Michelle Moore:

Yeah. Um, one of them is check with your spouse when making decisions and discuss individual plans or activities together. Another one is call your spouse first to talk about your day, to confide in when you're upset, or to share good news. Another is have a weekly date night so you can have fun together. However, make a rule that you won't discuss hot button topics while you're on your date. Another is find a common hobby or shared interests, like ride bikes. Another one is prioritize sex. Oxytocin, the hormone that is released after orgasm increases your feelings of trust and connection. Another one I love, this one cuddle on the couch when you watch TV and snuggle when you're in bed. My favorite. Um, another is hang out with a couple of friends, and another is fight self-reliance. Ask your spouse what he or she needs and tell your spouse what you need. I love that one. Um, the last one is develop a shared dream that you can pursue together.

Daniel Moore:

And all the guys are sitting here going, Oh, that sounds like a lot of work.

Michelle Moore:

And it's really not.

Daniel Moore:

That's a big old list.

Michelle Moore:

Cuddle on the couch, it's not. Uh hang out with friends, prior, you know, a common hobby.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, it's gotta be done. I mean, this is what it's gonna take. And even this is what this is what we signed up for when we got married. Well, it's not just the men, it's women too. Yeah, both spouses, when we get married, uh, this is what we're signing up for is to have an intimate, awesome relationship with this other person that we said I do to.

Michelle Moore:

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore:

And that encompasses all of this and more. Again, this is just a small list of what could be a humongous list of things that you could do. Um, these are just some suggestions to kind of get you started. And I guarantee you, if you put a lot of this stuff into play that's in this list, and you know, several of these things, uh, Michelle and I have, you know, we've made an intention to uh to do. Uh we've you know, we have bicyc bikes that we go ride together. Um, we've kayaked in the past.

Michelle Moore:

And I'm just gonna be honest with you guys, I crave it. Yeah, I this is the one thing after working all week, I love spending time with my husband. I, you know, you you're so busy during the week. We we do sit and talk and we do, you know, we try to I say chitty chat. We try to chitty chat, and if we need to have a hard conversation, we do. But in reality, when it comes to our weekend, I'm just I I've always told Dan, I'm like, Saturday is our day. Like that is the one day that I love to spend with him, whether it may be watching the Texas Longhorn game, whether it may be riding bikes, whether it may be going antiquing, or just sitting there hanging out outside with the dogs. It it just it fills my cup. Yeah, I absolutely love spending that time with my husband.

Daniel Moore:

Yep. And those are super important things to do if you want to cherish that relationship that you have.

Michelle Moore:

Right.

Daniel Moore:

And make it grow and make it become a better place, a safe place that you can land every week, every day, every moment of your life, and knowing that someone else is there that has your back. So hopefully this week, as we close here, I I really hope that over this this week and last week, if you have been in this state where you feel like that you're in a home with somebody, but that somebody is just seems so far away, but they're actually the person that you married, that's a very bad place to be. You need to work on that. And I hope that this stuff that we've talked about over the last couple of weeks here just touches the surface, really, of the problem of what needs fixed. And sometimes you may have to go get professional counseling to try to help fix. We do not want to rule that out. Good Christian professional counseling uh may be somewhere that you need to go, or if your church has a marriage mentorship that might help, uh maybe look into that as well. Uh, but you know, God created us to have relationships with each other, uh, to have those close, intimate relationships, especially with our spouses. And in order for us to fulfill that calling that he's put upon our life, uh, we need to make sure that we uh follow his plan and do what he's called us to do as spouses. So keep in mind that rebuilding emotional closeness is a process, it's not an instant solution. It requires patience, purpose, and consistent effort over time. It is work. But the distance and disconnection that you feel now can be replaced with a renewed sense of intimacy and partnership. As relationship coach Barbara Cage once said, love is a partnership of two unique people who bring out the very best in each other and who know that even though they are wonderful as individuals, they are even better together. I think that's a perfect way to end this episode. So the takeaway from this episode is that roommates live separate lives. Soulmates are two connected individuals who are even better together. Do you have anything final to add to this one?

Michelle Moore:

No, I don't. It's a good one.

Daniel Moore:

Yep, this is so good. This is an excellent episode. And again, if you guys have anything to add to this, jump on social media.

Michelle Moore:

Yes, please.

Daniel Moore:

Uh, anywhere we can have comments, we'd love to hear from you guys. Have an email address, actually. It's on our website at Marriage Life and more. There's a form there as well. You can email Daniel at connectingthegap.net. Uh, we'd love to hear from you guys if there's anything you'd like to add. And if it's some stuff that we can share in the future, we'd love to do that. So next week when we come back, we're going to be into episode seven, and we're going to talk about some steps to rekindling romance and passion in your marriage. So excited for that one. Yeah, this this this one thing here about engagement, about prioritizing sex and the oxytocin and all that stuff. We might start getting into some of that here as we get on to the next few weeks, as that is a very important part of our relationship is being married couples. So uh be here for that one. That's going to be next week here on Marriage Life and More. Well, as we go, we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode. This is an extension of Connecting to Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.

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Daniel and Michelle Moore

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