Marriage Life and More

Conflict Can Be Good in a Marriage Pt 2 (Marriage Reset Series) - 281

• Daniel and Michelle Moore • Episode 281

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Ever notice how a joke about parking or a comment about the dishwasher somehow spirals into “you never listen”? We trace the anatomy of a fight from tiny trigger to emotional explosion and reveal the quiet culprit that keeps the fire burning: pride. Drawing on relationship research, faith-filled wisdom, and hard-won personal lessons, we show how hidden stress, unspoken fears, and confirmation bias turn partners into opponents—and how a different posture can flip the script.

We walk through two vivid stories—a parking lot meltdown and a marathon debate—to surface what’s really going on beneath “nothing fights.” You’ll learn to spot selfish ambition and conceit when they sneak into your tone, why “winning” drains your spouse’s battery, and how quick repairs rebuild trust. Then we offer the antidote: humility that listens before responding, assumes the best plausible motive, and practices emotional x-ray vision to see your spouse’s heart through the noise. Simple shifts like summarizing your partner’s view, lowering your voice, and setting a win-win goal turn conflict from combat into connection.

As we move from ego to empathy, you’ll leave with practical tools to de-escalate in the moment and deepen intimacy over time: identifying bruises that keep getting pressed, slowing the conversation to prevent spirals, and replacing blame with curiosity. Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. Choose the path that builds a bridge instead of a wall—and watch small sparks stop becoming wildfires.

If this resonated, subscribe, share the episode with a friend, and leave a quick five-star review on Apple Podcasts. What’s one humility habit you’ll try this week?


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Daniel Moore:

You ever notice how some of the biggest fights in marriage start over the smallest things? Like where to eat, who left the light on, or how to properly load the dishwasher. Because I guess apparently there's a right or wrong way to do that. Before you know it, you're in a full-blown debate about silverware alignment and somehow spirals into, you never listen to me. It's wild how arguments that start with nothing can end with everything on the table. Today we're going to be unpacking the anatomy of a fight. What's really going on underneath those small everyday blow-ups? We'll talk about why most arguments aren't about what they seem, how pride sneaks in like an uninvited guest, and how humility can change everything. So whether you've had your own parking lot meltdown moment or just want to learn how to keep small sparks from turning into wildfires, this episode today is going to help you move from combat to connection. And hopefully maybe with a few laughs along the way. This week we're going to continue our discussion on conflict and marriage in our series, Marriage Reset. Welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies, and we interview people that have inspiring stories. I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and once again today I have my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.

Michelle Moore:

Hey, hey!

Daniel Moore:

And I want to thank you guys for joining us this week. If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandmore.com. Our platforms, YouTube and Rumble links are there. We're also on the Christian Podcasting app Edifi. And we're on your Alexa and Google Smart Devices. You can also visit us on social on Facebook, Instagram, and X at CTGAP Online. And if you're a fan of our show, please subscribe. For free leave a comment on our platforms, give us a thumbs up. Or if anything, just please give us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. All you gotta do is hit the little five star and that's it. I don't, you know, you don't want to leave a comment, that's fine. Uh but if you'd at least do the five star, uh, that does help with other people when they come looking for podcasts to know that uh it might be some content they might enjoy. And we'd be eternally grateful to you for doing that. Also, our new book is out Marriage is a Mission, Living Out God's Design for Marriage. And you can pick a copy of that up in either paperback, hardback, or Kindle version on Amazon. We also have a six session study guide, companion guide that goes with that. It's available on Amazon as well, and you can also get those on Apple Books and Google Play as well. So please go pick yours up today. Well, as we said here in the intro, we started last week talking about something that seemed really odd, and that was good conflict in marriage. It's hard to believe you can actually have that, but we were talking through that last week, and we're going to continue this week with that as we're going to talk about the anatomy of a fight and how to continue working this conflict in a positive manner in our marriages in our series on marriage reset.

Michelle Moore:

Finances, housework, parenting, intimacy, extended family tensions. These are often labeled as the main triggers behind relationship arguments. But interestingly, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, after four decades of research and studying 3,000 couples, came to a different conclusion. He discovered that most arguments between partners are actually about nothing.

Daniel Moore:

Imagine that.

Michelle Moore:

That may sound surprising, especially when motions are running high and it definitely feels like something important is at stake. But more often than not, it's the minor irritations, the everyday misunderstandings, and the offhand comments that lead to the biggest blow-ups. It's not always about the major life topics that wear a couple down. It's the small frustrations that creep in over time. Like tiny cracks in a foundation. These seemingly trivial moments, known as little foxes, can quietly damage a relationship when left unchecked. Here's an example story of this happening. It is one of those moments that started small, but quickly spiraled into something much bigger than necessary. Tessa and Mark had been planning for their son Aidan's school band performance for weeks. The event was being held at a large civic center on the edge of the town, with countless other school groups performing that day. The place was a beehive of activity. Cars lined the streets, families streamed in every direction, and the parking lots were overflowing. Mark was behind the wheel while Tessa sat in the front seat, handling directions and trying to reassure a very anxious Aiden in the back. They weaved through full parking lot after parking lot, but every space was taken. The tension was slowly creeping into the car. Aiden, getting nervous about being late, began offering unsolicited parking tips from the back seat. Mark, who was already frustrated, didn't appreciate the extra commentary, especially not from a 12-year-old. After what felt like an eternity of circling, Mark finally spotted a narrow parking space along a side street. It wasn't close to the venue, but it was their best shot. The only problem? It required a little bit of parallel parking skill. And with the pressure rising, Mark couldn't seem to get the angle just right. Each attempt ended with the tires bumping the curb. A line of cars began forming behind them, honking impatiently. Tessa, hoping to defuse the growing tension, decided to make a lighthearted joke. She angled a smile toward Mark and said jokingly, need me to do it for you? It was meant as a playful rib. She didn't think twice about it, but Mark had reached his limit. Without saying another word, he abruptly put the car into park, swung the door open, got out, and thrust the keys toward her window. Here, your turn, he snapped, clearly not seeing the humor in that moment. Tessa sat there stunned, realizing her attempt at levity had completely backfired. What began as a harmless parking struggle had turned into a heated moment between them. As relationship expert Dr. Gottman often points out, couples rarely argue over the big things. More often, it's the stressors, which could be traffic, schedules, nerves, that trigger arguments over what seems like nothing. And yet, in the middle of those moments, it feels like anything but nothing. It's often the smallest disputes that do the most lasting damage over time. These minor squabbles frequently stem from simple misunderstandings, but more often than we realize, there's something deeper going on beneath the surface. We might be physically drained from chasing after toddlers, overwhelmed by job stress, weighed down by the hectic schedule, feeling discouraged after a falling out with a friend, or burdened by an unspoken tension in our relationship. Instead of addressing these underlying issues directly, we we tend to push them aside. Eventually they pile up, creating emotional pressure that builds quietly until it bursts, often directed at the person closest to us, which is our spouse.

Daniel Moore:

Oh goodness. I can think of many, many times that we've kind of been almost in the same situation.

Michelle Moore:

Well, mine's more I tell you how to drive.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, my helper in the car. Anyone that's ever listened to Tim Hawkins, the comedian, he's got a perfect little skit that he does called the helper in the car. And if you ever get a chance and haven't never listened to that and you'd like a good laugh, go pull that up on YouTube.

Michelle Moore:

And I will never forget we were sitting at a church and we were doing the color code. And the couple sitting next to us, Brian Beverly Wisdom. Dan and I sat there, the guys were exactly the same color, and Beverly and I were the same. And then we started going through things and we started talking about just pretty much me telling them how to drive. And Brian's like, that is Beverly 100%. And so Beverly and I were like, Yeah, you just get out of the car and we'll just drive. We'll take you to where we need to. And it's just so funny because, you know, in reality, I'm always trying to help Dan. I don't anymore. I mean, there's been times I just let him take the wrong turn or whatever. And I'm just like, you know what? Not my problem. And I'm like, but then there's a lot of times I'm like, oh, you can park right there. Or and he's just like, he just shakes his head.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Am I right?

Daniel Moore:

You're exactly 100% right. But one thing that you're reading here as it got towards the end of this, you know, a lot of times the reason that we have these blow-ups, they're typically a lot of times it is because there's extra stressors going on. And that was the last straw. That was the last button. And we heard a good example last weekend uh that kind of fits here at the moment, and that's talking about buttons being pushed between spouses. And the way it was relayed was is you know, if you have a bruise on you, this was good. Uh that bruise that you get is because you hit something and hurt yourself. You know, you you get a bruise because of that, and for quite some time after you get it, it's sore when you touch it. You'll you'll feel the pain shoot through it. So if your spouse walks up and they forget about that bruise and maybe it's on your arm, they grab your arm and they grab a hold of that bruise and squeeze it, you feel that pain. You know, your first reaction, of course, is you know, ouch, and you you'll pull your arm back because it's hurting. And the first thing you'll say is, You hurt my bruise. But really, in all reality, when you break that down, that bruise was already hurting. It's not the spouse that hurt the bruise. The bruise was already hurting. The spouse pushed the bruise, which made the bruise flare up and made it hurt. So the spouse, in essence, pushed that button. And a lot of times in conflict and marriages, and any time that we have these issues where our buttons get pushed, you know, nine times out of ten, it's not really the spouse that's creating that pain when that button gets pushed.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

It's always because there's an underlying issue there, the root of something else that's going on in your life right now that you've not addressed. Right. And that spouse just came along, so happened to just come along at the right time that all it took was just that one little comment and the blow up happened. That bomb went off, the dynamite exploded, and it was just the last and the last thing, you know, that you needed to trip that trigger. And so, but then as it says, you know, who gets the brunt of all of that? You know, we we go off on the person that was there at that moment, and that's usually the people that's closest to us because you know, you and I live together. And so a lot of times, and and for some reason too, it seems like we can get into a a funk in our thinking and the way that we think about things where we feel like sometimes that if we at least if we blow up and go off on somebody, that at least it's our spouse, you know, like it's like it's okay because they live with us all the time, that every once in a while if we blow up, then that's just the way it is, you know. But it's honestly when you look at that, your spouse isn't any different than a stranger. You know, if if you're at a point where you're with a stranger and you blow up on them, uh, you know, if you really catch yourself in that moment, you become apologetic and you apologize to the person. I don't want you to think that that's really me. Right. You know, I'm so sorry or whatever. But yet our spouses will blow up on them and then move on to the next thing and not think twice about apologizing or whatever, and then you you see what problems that ends up creating.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And so our spouses, you know, they're they're not a punching bag, but a lot of times they get treated that way because they're they're close to us. And of course, when you're driving, you know, like in this situation here, I can relate to this because I do have a problem sometimes with road rage. And Michelle can vouch for that. And if I'm already mad because of the road rage and stuff going on around me, it just takes you to say one little thing, right? And it'll set me off quicker than anything. And I'm like, you want to drive? I'll just get out and pull over right now, and you can just drive, you know.

Michelle Moore:

I choose to stay quiet.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, so it's I can understand how you know those moments happen. But in all reality, it brings us up to our next point here about pride.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And we get so much pride in our lives sometimes that we have a hard time looking through situations and we have a hard time looking through issues with a reasonable thought process. And therefore, we make ourselves the the whole center of the equation to make sure that we're the ones that's getting the benefit, make sure we're the ones that's having our voice be heard. We're the ones that's, you know, the center of this whole story. So, you know, as we look at this story that that you just read, you know, it can bring the thoughts to your mind, you know, where, you know, your dad or your mom warns you about these kinds of things before you got married. You know, that those were the last words that Tessa expected to hear from her husband Mark in the middle of a heated exchange, especially, you know, after so many years of being together, you know, being married or whatever, um, when you're together a long time and you have these interactions between each other, that can really sting, you know, when when that happens, because just when you think maybe that you've been married long enough and you know, you got things kind of figured out, and then all of a sudden something happens, it can really create issues within how you look at things and how you think about things. So as we talk about this this uh subject of pride, you know, in the scriptures it talks about how pride goes before a fall. And anytime that we put ourselves up on a pedestal and we let pride come into our life, that we, in essence, in a lot of ways, are setting ourselves up to have a big crash eventually, if uh we're going to ever fix that issue. And another story here that we can use to present this point is uh there was a couple and uh they said, Your your dad warned me about this before we even got married. Um, those were the last words that Ava expected to hear from her husband James in the middle of a heated exchange, especially after 25 years together. It really stung. What she was referring to was James' lifelong habit of engaging in never-ending discussions, otherwise known as emotional marathons. As a boy, James didn't argue to be defiant, he simply couldn't let go of something that didn't make sense to him. He had a logical mind and a stubborn persistence, a combination that made for exhausting conversations with his parents. He had learned early on that with enough determination and words, he could outlast nearly any disagreement. Eventually, his mom and dad would either relent or walk away, too tired to continue the conversation. It was his secret power, win by attrition. Unfortunately, that same tendency carried right into his marriage. In hindsight, he was sure that Ava and his father had bonded over this shared experience in the early years. He hoped that he had mellowed with age, but recent events told a different story. He and Ava had disagreed over their teenage daughter Harper and her phone habits. Ava had made a passing comment about Harper being too consumed by social media, suggesting it was starting to affect her balance. James immediately got defensive. To him it felt like an overstatement, and more than that, it struck a nerve. What followed was a long, drawn out two hour back and forth discussion, no yelling or cruelty, just relentless reasoning, counterpoints, and mental tug of war. It was the kind of draining exchange that left Ava silent halfway through, worn down by the weight of it all. She stood up, started walking toward the stairs, paused, and tossed a final sentence over her shoulder. Your dad warned me about this before we got married. Then she disappeared upstairs, ending the conversation without another word. Those words followed James well into the night. The next morning, after neither of them had slept all that well, they apologized to each other. They talked more calmly and came up with a plan to help Harper set healthier boundaries with her phone use, but something still unsettled James. What really haunted him was a remark that he had made during the argument, suggesting that this was just how they handled disagreements. He had told Ava that their pattern of lengthy deliberation always ended in resolution, so it wasn't a problem. But after reflecting on it, he realized that he was excusing behavior that chipped away at his wife's emotional energy. He had been defending the pattern because the outcome seemed acceptable without considering how draining the process was. In essence, he had been saying that the end justifies the means, and now he wasn't so sure about that. Ron Deal, who is with Family Life Today Blended, made a simple comment that explains how these types of interactions happen. There is something about these arguments that can completely change your understanding of what happens. When tension arises in a relationship, your heart closes into a tight ball, like a rolly poly. And once the heart is closed off, it begins generating attitudes and reactions that quietly harm the relationship, things like defensiveness, stubbornness, blame, harsh assumptions, pride, and an overinflated view of being right. Of all of these, pride is often the most damaging. Scripture reminds us of this in Proverbs 13 10, which says pride leads to arguments. At the core of many disagreements is a heart consumed with pride, one that refuses to yield or see beyond its own point of view. God deeply opposes a spirit filled with arrogance and self-focus. In the middle of conflict, pride causes a person to become inwardly focused, fixated only on their own hurt, opinion, or need. It stops them from truly hearing or caring for their spouse. It builds walls instead of bridges. I mean imagine that roly-pulley fully tucked into its shell, unable to see or connect with anything outside of itself. In those moments, pride doesn't leave room for love, humility, or even the presence of God. Psalm 10 4 reflects this attitude. In his pride, The wicked does not seek him, in all of his thoughts there is no room for God. The point is when we allow pride to take the driver's seat in conflict, it leads us away from connection and shuts out the very things that a relationship needs to heal and grow. We become so prideful that we're unwilling to yield, however we've never been willing to call it what it is, and that's pride. Over the years, we can blame our parents, our personality, the way your spouse harshly starts the conversation, or whatever you want to, but we are never willing to acknowledge our own pride and arrogance. According to Ron, we can realize why pride is so relationally destructive during conflict. They'll just sit there and keep, you know, pushing their point and pushing their point and trying to prove their point. And there may not be necessarily, you know, anger flare-ups necessarily, but they talk for so long and try to push their point so long that they exhaust the other spouse. And finally the other spouse is just like, you know what, I just give up. You know, and they'll just turn and walk off and just you be you or whatever. I can see how you know that would be another way that uh conflict could happen. But in all reality, when a spouse does that, I I do have to agree that I think there's probably a lot of pride in all of that because again, that brings that spouse to the point where they feel like they're the center of attention in this whole issue. You know, that it doesn't matter what you have to say, I'm gonna get my point across one way or the other uh throughout this communication. And it becomes a pride issue when within me if I continue to have those kinds of discussions and conflicts with you uh to where I I'm gonna be right no matter what. Right. You know, you're not you're not gonna have any say for what you think or and you might even be right. You might have the actual right answer to all of that conflict that's going on, but the pride inside of me is not allowing myself to see that because I just want to be right. Right. I want to be the one that's you know going to solve this equation. You know, James 4, chapter 6 tells us that God opposes the proud. That resistance doesn't just come from above. In all reality, your spouse is probably gonna oppose your pride also. The word oppose paints a powerful picture. It means to confront, resist, or go into battle against. You know, and isn't that exactly what it feels like when a disagreement turns into a full-blown fight? It feels like you're just battling against each other. Conflict and marriage can be healthy and it can even be helpful. But combat, that's where things really turn to be pretty harmful, is when it gets to that point and elevates to that height of being in an actual fight. You know, conflict can be productive when handled well. It has the potential to reveal something valuable about yourself, your partner, or your relationship. And we went through a lot of steps last week of how you can actually benefit from conflict in your relationship if you allow it to help you grow. So this is the upside of disagreement, personal and relational insight. But combat, on the other hand, what does that involve?

Michelle Moore:

Sarcasm, shouting, defensiveness, assumptions, silent treatment, or the needing to win.

Daniel Moore:

And that brings it back to that pride. Yep. If you have that pride inside of you, then you're gonna do whatever you can to get your point across and you're going to win this fight, regardless of who's right or wrong.

Michelle Moore:

And in that, it builds the walls, not bridges.

Daniel Moore:

Yep. It takes us in a complete opposite direction of the way that we need to be going. And, you know, at the center of this kind of conflict, again, if we get into that combat, what's there? It's pride.

Michelle Moore:

Pride, yeah.

Daniel Moore:

You know, pride is often the fuel behind every unnecessary argument or painful exchange because one of us is pushing it so hard that we're not willing to give up.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

Two major expressions of pride in conflict are highlighted in the beginning of Philippians 2.3. It says, Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit. Selfish ambition means placing your own desires above what's good in your relationship. The original Greek word erythia gives the idea of pursuing personal goals no matter what the fallout's going to be. This mindset leads to rivalry, tension, and division. In James 3.16 confirms this. It says, For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder in every vile practice. And I think we can, you know, there's many times that selfishness has arisen within our relationship.

Michelle Moore:

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore:

And as we mentor other couples and talk to other couples that have issues in their relationships, a lot of times they'll talk too where there's just a lot of selfishness going on.

Michelle Moore:

But you know, when you're in the heat of the moment, you don't see it that way.

Daniel Moore:

No, you just want to win the battle. That's right. And again, that comes back to pride. You're too proud to admit that you're wrong. You're too proud to admit that maybe we need to step back for a moment and look at this together. You know, I want to be the one that's right. I want to be the one that's in control here. I want to be the one that, you know, has the resolution to this problem. And, you know, when Satan, if you go to Isaiah, uh, there's uh some scripture in there that's called the all the I statements that Satan made. And every one of those statements that he made was about I. It was all focused on himself. And in our relationships, it can get real easy for us to have that same problem. It can be me, me, me, or I, I, I, and we never include the other spouse in it. We just want to get our point across. And that's what'll cause that combat and that selfish ambition creates the jealousy, and uh, it's hard to get past all of that. That can be some of those issues where it just causes some real deep internal issues between you and your spouse. Where conceit, on the other hand, is an inflated view of one's opinion. You know, that's the belief that you're always right. The Greek term kinandoxia literally refers to empty pride or vainglory. When this mindset dominates a disagreement, good communication becomes nearly impossible. It leaves no space for the other person's input, perspective, or feelings, and it silences connection in favor of ego. Have you ever argued with somebody that thinks they're always right?

Michelle Moore:

No comment.

Daniel Moore:

No comment on that one. Oh my goodness. This just brings up so many people in my mind.

Michelle Moore:

You know what's funny is they don't think they're ever, you know, you know that they always think they're right. Oh, yeah. But then it's like they're never wrong. They they don't, and usually those are the people that always want to battle the facts. And you know, I know the facts. No, you don't know everything. Just telling you right now you don't, but there's no need in arguing with you because no matter what, you're not gonna win. And I feel like sometimes part of that too can be a little bit of narcissistic.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

And you know it has some of those traits.

Daniel Moore:

When I have somebody that I know is going to be that way in an argument, uh, I don't even I don't even choose to talk to them. And I I think that's a bad situation to be in because if you do have a disagreement between a person that always thinks that they're constantly right and they're never wrong, no matter what uh inner interaction you have with them or conversation that you have with them. I know with my personality that I have, I choose to just not even talk to them about the situation and just move on and not say anything to them at all. And that's not a good place to be either, because then you can't have that conversation between the two of you that you need to have to resolve that conflict. But it makes you a type of person that nobody wants to talk to because you're always, as it says, you know, uh, this is what happens when someone gets stuck in the cycle of needing to prove their point. And in those moments, the focus shifts from understanding to self-justification. It's like arguing through the lens of a long-standing sports rivalry. It's intense, emotional, and just bent on victory. You know, you can think of it like Alabama versus Auburn or USC versus UCLA. The goal becomes winning and not resolving. And while relational damage is an obvious result of this kind of marital combat, pride also brings personal consequences such as embarrassment, isolation, shame, regret, damage trust, and inner discouragement. Uh, when you fight that way, you start having all of these other issues that starts compounding on top of the things that are going on within your very being of who you are. And then pride traps your spouse in the role of being in an opponent at that point and not a partner.

Michelle Moore:

That's good.

Daniel Moore:

It puts you in a very bad situation with your spouse when that happens because you can't move past the pride to see the other person for who they truly are and the value they have.

Michelle Moore:

That's a very good point that that opens it up to that.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. So what's the alternative? Well, the alternative to that is humility, stepping out of the defensive patterns and letting go of the need to win and choosing understanding over pride. It's shifting from combat and instead having connection. So, Michelle, share with us on the antidote to prideful conflict.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah, an antidote is something that helps reverse or relieve the effects of something harmful. In the case of unhealthy conflict and relationships, that remedy is humility. Humility stands in direct contrast to pride, it softens the heart and opens the door to true connection. The original Greek word for humility suggests lowering yourself not in value but in posture, putting someone else's needs and perspective ahead of your own. According to James 4, 6, God extends grace to the humble. And often when humility is offered in the middle of a conflict, a spouse will respond with grace too. In the heat of an argument, choosing humility means resisting the urge to defend yourself first. It means actively listening, giving space to your spouse's feelings and thoughts before pushing your own. This is real sacrifice. It means letting go of the need to be right or understood immediately, and instead choosing to understand your partner first. Of course, humility doesn't come naturally in a tense moment. We all know that. But it can be the breakthrough of what a couple needs. Choosing humility often begins with self-awareness, being able to stop and ask yourself, why am I so reactive right now? What deeper emotion or past hurt is being triggered? While many disagreements may appear to be about surface level issues, there's often a deeper emotional undercurrent driving the reaction, stress, insecurity, feeling unseen, or past unresolved conflict. When spouses learn the identity that hidden of that hidden layer, it becomes easier to approach with each other with patience and openness rather than pride. That awareness gives birth to humility, and humility creates a space for healing and unity to grow.

Daniel Moore:

And as we get to this point here, something that stood out to me here as you started talking about this antidote to prideful conflict is I think this really for sure reinforces that point that we were making earlier about how we have to take the eye out of that equation. Yes. Because a lot of times whenever we have conflict, uh we know how that works usually. A lot of times when the spouse that's talking is putting out there the issue of what it may be, especially, it seems to happen this way, especially if the the female is the one that is making the comments at that point, the the husband is listening. You know, a lot of times husbands don't really listen while the spouse is a is attacking or you know, making the comments of the problem, the situation, and the conflict that's going on. The husband, instead of listening completely to what the the wife is saying, is in his mind already formulating his comeback.

Michelle Moore:

And I've been there. I've done the same thing.

Daniel Moore:

And women can do that too, going the opposite direction. That's our human instinct. You know, our automatic instinct, every time we get into a conflict or an argument between each other, it's a good feeling when both of us that uh that both of us have when we feel like we're the ones that are right and we're the ones that's going to win. We all want to win.

Michelle Moore:

Right.

Daniel Moore:

You know, but in conflict in marriages, sometimes I don't want to say you're not a winner, you're not, I don't want to say you're a loser, but you have to come to a point where both people win.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

You know, because it's not a win or lose battle between spouses. You're not, as we said earlier, this isn't a a battle with your enemy. You know, this it has to be a win-win situation.

Michelle Moore:

Right.

Daniel Moore:

So no matter how this comes out, both sides have to feel like that they came out okay in it and that they've resolved their issues and that they're both acceptable with the outcome of what that was. But in order to do that, you truly have to listen.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

You have to understand what your spouse is saying and listen to it thoroughly before you make the comments when they're done talking.

Michelle Moore:

Right.

Daniel Moore:

So that way you can come to an actual resolution because otherwise it does. It comes back to that point where as soon as you are saying your your stuff to me, then as soon as you're done, I'm automatically just coming back to you to defend and to be judgmental.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And then that just continues to cycle in that argument and it never stops because then we're just constantly being defensive with each other. Right. And so that's pride.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

You know, that's for us not being not willing to be humble in our relationship and allowing to put it down and say, okay, one of us has to break this cycle, one of us has to be a little humble here and have some humility in order for us to work through this. So go ahead and finish there.

Michelle Moore:

Back to the parking lot scene with Mark and Tessa, which we that was our story from the very beginning. What seemed like an overreaction about a tight parking spot and a teasing comment wasn't really about either of those things. The truth was, Mark had been feeling completely overwhelmed at work for weeks. He was behind on a couple of major deadlines and carried a constant undercurrent of anxiety about whether he was falling short as a provider and a professional. Honestly, he didn't even want to be at the band performance that day. Not because he didn't care about Aiden, but because his mind kept screaming that he needed to be home catching up. Tessa's lighthearted remark landed in a heart that was already carrying too much weight. It wasn't about what she said, it was about everything Mark hadn't said. In that moment, he snapped. Frustrated, irritated, and buried, under unresolved stress, he stepped out of the car in a dramatic show of annoyance. But within seconds, realizing his outburst didn't help at all, he got back in and finished parking as best as he could. He muttered a quick apology to both Tessa and Aiden, more out of obligation than sincerity, and the three of them began the long walk to the performance venue in silence. Tessa, sensing something deeper, gently asked what was really going on. At first, Mark deflected. He blamed the chaos of the parking ordeal, the gridlock of cars, and Aiden's anxious comment from the back seat earlier. But eventually the emotional pressure cracked. Mark admitted he was barely holding things together at work, that he was exhausted, feeling like he was constantly failing and carrying it all silently. Opening up changed the direction of their conversation. Once Tessa saw the real reason behind his reaction, her frustration melted into compassion. Instead of seeing his behavior as immature or disrespectful, she saw someone she loved who was carrying too much alone. That honesty gave them a chance to truly connect, not over parking or parallel driving skills, but over something real. It reminded them both that the smallest blow ups are often symptoms of something deeper, and when leaning into vulnerability instead of pride can be the beginning of healing. When you choose to humble yourself, your spouse often responds with unexpected grace, offering understanding and giving space to your thoughts, emotions, and needs. As Proverbs 29.23 puts it, pride brings a person low, but a humble spirit gains honor. Where pride stirs up resistance and division, humility invites compassion and connection. It makes room for grace. Getting honest about what's really going on beneath the surface can completely shift the tone of a conversation. Rather than staying stuck in the frustration of a surface level disagreement, vulnerability allows the two of you to explore what's behind it, often leading to a farther great understanding and emotional intimacy. It might feel backwards, but conflict can actually be an entry point to deeper closeness if you stay soft and humble. From that open-hearted place, you and your spouse can have a conversation that truly matters. But to experience that breakthrough, the focus has to go beyond the minor issues and aim for the deeper emotion or tensions driving it. That's where real healing and connection can happen.

Daniel Moore:

And so as we look at this, we see that there's two sides to this story. And this kind of reaffirms where we were talking earlier that, you know, when we was talking about that bruise, you know, Tessa made the comment. And at first it came off to seem like he just blew up because of that comment she made. But in all reality, that that bruise that was there was already painful that he had other things going on. And at that moment when she made the comment, he finally reached his uh point of no return, I guess you could say, and he lost it. And a lot of times, even in my own self, I can think of times, you know, where we've had some blow-ups and we've had some issues where it's just gotten really, you know, angry and high emotional uh conflict between the two of us. You know, nine times out of ten, there was underlying stuff that had already been accumulating before that happened. And I think, you know, there's times that that's happened to you.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

Um, both of us in our jobs that we have, we have very stressful times of different tar parts of the year that is very stressful for us. And we feel like we're really just snowed under. And if things come up in life and in our marriage, our home, just the outside world beyond work. Can pile on top of that and it becomes a short fuse. And y it doesn't take much just to light that fuse off. And so when you have these conflicts always look at it as okay, is there really something else going on here that we need to discuss? Is there some issues that my spouse is going through maybe that if I can get them to talk about those issues that together we can work through them and maybe we can come to a resolution and that will immediately calm that conflict down and hopefully open up some good meaningful communication between the two of you. If you're in a good place where you can have that safe space where you can actually talk through things, then your spouse should be open to admitting at some point in the the process of working through that conflict. Uh they should be at some point able to open up and tell you, say, okay, well, you know, I do have other stuff. This is going on at work, this has been going on with a friend of mine, um, something with family, you know. Let them talk. Yeah. And then the two of you work through that and come to healthy again. That helps you to grow and that helps you to be able to have better communication between each other.

Michelle Moore:

You really think about it, if your spouse is having an issue or whatever it is, and that spouse allows them to talk. I think that softens the walls for that spouse to know that that other spouse is intentional and wanting to help and wanting to be there for them.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. And so as we close here today with this episode on conflict, in addition to discovering the deeper issue for you, here are other ways that humility can manifest during conflict. And as we go through these conflicting issues that we may have between us, it gives us an opportunity to focus on you. It gives us an opportunity to give my full attention to you. It gives me an opportunity to be patient, uh, to seek to understand you before being understood, to listen with my ears, my eyes, and my open heart. I assume the best about you. I ask God to change me instead of trying to change you.

Michelle Moore:

That's my favorite.

Daniel Moore:

I recognize that how you feel matters regardless if it doesn't make sense to me or not. I treat you with gentleness and compassion and I forgive you.

Michelle Moore:

Those are so good.

Daniel Moore:

Uh again, that's a that's a pride killer. You know, and if you can actually come into your conflict situations and have this outlook with all of these different things taking place, then there's not really any room for that pride anymore.

Michelle Moore:

Right.

Daniel Moore:

It just it replaces all of that with good things. And that's how you resolve those issues. It's not by sitting there fighting each other to see who's gonna stand till the last punch and uh the last one stand and wins. That's not how that works. Because even if you punch the daylights out of your spouse and knock them out and they're in the floor and the conflict's over because they're knocked out and can't talk anymore. It's still a conflict, and when they wake up, when you wake back up, it's it's gonna be worse. Yeah, the frying pan's gonna come out after that. And so we have to be humble with the way that we handle these conflicts between each other. Somebody has to be the bigger person, somebody has to step up and they've got to be the peacemaker, and they've got to be the person that changes the atmosphere in that room. Right. Yeah, there's just no way around that. So good. Somebody has to do it, and it's even better when both of you can do it together.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And both be that.

Michelle Moore:

That's so good.

Daniel Moore:

So as we close today, another powerful way that humility shows up in conflict is through x-ray vision. And what we mean by that is in the heat of conflict, pride often hides behind the way that we begin to view our spouse through a negative lens built on assumptions. This is known as confirmation bias. It's the mental habit of only seeing what supports your already formed beliefs while filtering out anything that might contradict them. When this kicks in and your mindset becomes negative, you automatically zoom in on things your spouse does that annoy, hurt, and let you down. It becomes a self-fulfilling cycle. You find exactly what you're expecting to see simply because that's what you're looking for. This subtle but powerful habit is actually rooted in pride. So think of this like a form of distorted vision. But what if we told you that there's another kind of vision, something like emotional x-ray vision? In a TV show Smallville, Superman talks about his x-ray vision as a way to see through physical barriers. In a relationship, x-ray vision is your ability to look past your spouse's frustrating outward behavior to recognize the deeper truth of who they are, who their what their heart is, their character, and the track record of how they've shown up in your life over time. Pride focuses on the worst, which is impatience, criticism, controlling habits, or withdrawal, but humility does something different. It makes room for you to look deeper than what your spouse is showing in that moment. It gives you the strength to see through anger, stress, silence, or sarcasm, and remember the person you love, the one who has shown you grace, loyalty, compassion, and kindness again and again. This requires humility. You have to be willing to step back and say, I'm going to choose to see my spouse for who they truly are, not just how they seem right now. That kind of perspective changes everything. It's a gift that you can give your spouse in even the hardest moments. You know, when Tessa stood on the sidewalk watching Mark storm out of the car during their parking lot tension, she had a decision to make. She could see him as an irritable man who overreacted and embarrassed her, or she could remember the man she shared life with for over two decades. The man who's been faithful, supportive, and gentle far often, more often than not. Choosing to see that truth softened her heart. Mark had a choice to make also. He could stay offended at her joke comment that she made, or he could remember that Tessa had always used humor to keep things light during stressful situations. He could recall that she was a supportive partner who even in that moment was trying to relieve the tension, not to provoke to provoke him. For some couples, we understand this kind of vision can be incredibly difficult. Maybe your spouse has made choices that have wounded you deeply. Maybe seeing the good feels impossible. In those cases, your prayer might simply be, God, help me see my spouse through your eyes. Show me what you see, their heart, their value, and who you've made them to be. That's the heart of Philippians 4.8, to fix your thoughts not on what frustrates you, but what is true, noble, and praiseworthy. Because when you shift your vision from blame to grace, from pride to humility, you move from combat to connection. That's the path that builds a marriage rather than tears it apart.

Michelle Moore:

So good.

Daniel Moore:

So our hope as we finish up this episode is that you'll see pride for what it really is and gain the courage to walk in humility. In doing so, you offer your spouse a powerful act of love, seeing them not just in their worst moment, but through the lens of who they've proven themselves to be over time. That's how conflict can actually draw you closer instead of pushing you apart. And I like the the comment there about asking God to see your spouse through his eyes. And we also uh say this statement as well when we're working with couples, ask God to show you your spouse's heart through his heart. Um because our heart is the core of who we really are. And if we can see the heart of your spouse and see it the way that God sees, because when God sees us, he created us in his image. And when we understand that when I look at you and I say, Okay, I see my wife Michelle sitting here in front of me. Um, God made her perfectly in the way that he wanted her to be made. He made her for an an awesome purpose here on this earth. And he has a reason for her to be here. And I need to be able to see what that is through God's eyes. Yeah. Because that's what truly matters is what God made you for. I need to be as a spouse, I need to be behind you supporting that and pushing you to the higher points of to be the best that you could ever be and who God's made you to be. I can't do that if I'm sitting here fighting with you all the time. Right. If I'm having conflict, if I'm arguing, and not able to ever come to a resolution about our differences. Neither one of us are ever going to push each other to the highest points of who God's created us to be that way. And so that's a good, I love ending it that way because if we can actually see our spouse through God's eyes and through his heart and understand who our spouse is in the way that God sees them, that just gives us a whole different aspect and view of who our spouse is.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And so, is there anything that you wanted to add to this one? Nope. Everything good on yeah. I think this has been a very good eye-opening episode, and I hope that this is a big thing. Conflict is really huge in relationships. You can't have a relationship without conflict. I just don't think that's possible. And so it's always good to know, you know, what the ammo is and the tools and the weapons we have that we can fight against having bad conflict and how to resolve it in a godly way. So, as we close this week, the takeaway from this episode on conflict is roommates ignore problems and avoid issues. Soulmates use healthy conflict as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. I think that's just the perfect way to end this episode. Well, that's all for this week, and we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode. This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.

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Daniel and Michelle Moore

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