4 Steps to Creating Safety in Your Marriage Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 293

What if the real reason love feels distant isn’t chemistry or compatibility, but a lack of safety? We open up about the hidden defenses that keep couples polite yet disconnected—sarcasm, shutdowns, busyness, public jabs—and how small daily choices either build a refuge or a war zone at home. Drawing on Paul’s call to live open-hearted and our own messy missteps, we unpack why vulnerability is hard, how past wounds shape present habits, and what it takes to make your marriage feel safe enough for honesty, desire, and joy.

We name the common signals of a closing heart—minimal eye contact, folded arms, curt words, withdrawal, scorekeeping—and why nonverbal cues like eye rolls and tones can trigger fight or flight. Then we go deeper into behaviors that make a spouse feel emotionally unsafe: criticism, broken promises, harsh words, public embarrassment, weaponized silence, and oversharing private details. You’ll hear candid moments from our journey, including the turning point where bitterness gave way to restoration, and the faith perspective that reframed safety as sacred stewardship of each other’s hearts.

By the end, you’ll have a clear picture of what erodes safety and a hopeful path to rebuild it with compassion, quick repairs, and consistency. We preview four practical steps to create a safer marriage: recognize your defenses in real time, repair specifically and swiftly, rewire connection with daily rituals, and root the whole process in a shared faith that softens hard places. If you’ve felt like respectful roommates or you’re tired of walking on eggshells, this conversation offers tools, language, and encouragement to make home feel like home again. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review to help others find the show. What’s one small change you’ll try tonight?

Reconnected - G&ES

Transcript

Open Hearts And True Intimacy

Daniel Moore 0:06

In one of those jewelry commercials that somehow sneaks up on you between football highlights and weather alerts, Jane Seymour sweetly says, If your heart is open, love will always find its way in. And sure, it sounds a little hallmark-ish, like it belongs on a throw pillow you didn't ask for, but underneath the sparkle, there is a truth that hits home. Alongside our relationship with Christ, one of the biggest lessons we've learned in marriage is that love can't grow where hearts stay guarded. The Apostle Paul said something similar to the Corinthians when he opened his heart wide and urged them to do the same, reminding them that distance wasn't caused by a lack of love, but by hearts that hadn't fully leaned in yet. Marriage works the same way. Real intimacy, the soul deep kind, only happens when we risk vulnerability, create emotional safety, and open our hearts even when it feels uncomfortable. So today, we're talking about why that's so hard, what closes our hearts, and how God invites us into a marriage where love doesn't just survive, it truly thrives. Welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies, and sometimes we interview people that have stories. I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and once again here with me this week is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.com. Our platforms are there. We're on YouTube and Rumble. We're also on the Christian podcasting app Edifi. We're also on your Alexa and Google Smart Devices. You can also visit us on social on Facebook, Instagram, and X at CTGap Online. And of course, if you're a fan of our show, please subscribe so you don't miss any episodes. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms, give us a thumbs up or a five-star review in Apple Podcast. And we'd be grateful to you for doing that. Well, this week we're going to be continuing into our series on marriage reset, as we are going to be starting episode 11. We have two episodes left in this series.

Michelle Moore 2:17

It's went by quick.

Four Steps To Marital Safety

Daniel Moore 2:19

I it did. Although it did go a little longer than I anticipated because a lot of our episodes actually ended up being several parts. But we sure do hope that everything that we've covered, we haven't left any rocks unturned. And maybe some of you guys out there listening have, you know, got something from the series as we went through it. You know, one thing about this series is even though it's called marriage reset, this kind of seems like it's geared towards marriages that are in crisis. But in all reality, you know, as we've been through this, there's a lot of areas that these are probably good for anybody. Um, it can strengthen your marriage and it can maybe make you see some spots maybe you're a little weak in some areas. And Michelle and I have even gained a lot from this just by going through the study. And so we're gonna go ahead and get started this week as we're going to be starting off episode 11, and this will be a multi-part episode as well. And this week we're gonna be talking about four steps to creating safety in your marriage.

Vulnerability And Scriptural Roots

Michelle Moore 3:33

In her well-known jewelry commercial, actress and entrepreneur Jane Seymour proclaims, if your heart is open, love will always find its way in. Sure, it borders on being sentimental, maybe in cliche, but beneath the sweetness lies a deep truth. Alongside our faith relationship with Christ, the willingness to keep our hearts vulnerable and receptive has been one of the most powerful lessons we've learned in building a deep and lasting marriage. Real emotional intimacy, what some would call a soulmate connection, can't exist unless both partners are willing to open up fully to one another. This idea mirrors what the Apostle Paul once wrote to the believers in Corinth. He poured out his feelings openly, telling them he was holding nothing back and pleading with them to do the same. He reminded them that any emotional distance between them wasn't because he lacked love, but because they hadn't fully opened their hearts in return. Paul urged them to love wholeheartedly, as if speaking to his own dear children. In the same way, marriages thrive not when love is guarded or partial, but when hearts reach all the way toward each other with honesty and tenderness. Oh, my dear Corinthian friends, I have told you all my feelings. I love you with all my heart. Any coldness still between us is not because of any lack of love on my part, but because your love is too small and does not reach out to me and draw me in. I am talking to you now as you truly were my very own children. Open your hearts to us, return our love. And you can find that in 2 Corinthians 6 through 11 through 13. Open your hearts. This is a wonderful poetic notion, but it's much easier said than done. Many people struggle with keeping their heart open because openness requires vulnerability. As Dr. Arch Hart and Sharon Hart may explain. This is such a delicate, trusting act that any violation or injury of this trust can cause the most painful of reactions. Imagine taking the very essence of your being, your heart, and placing it in the hands of your spouse. Your heart becomes your mates to care for, safeguard, cherish, and love. This necessitates a willingness to be vulnerable and take a bold, risky step. One of the biggest challenges in any marriage is this to experience genuine, soul-deep intimacy, you have to let your spouse into the most delicate parts of who you are. Your inner thoughts, emotions, fears, and wounds. It's a risk because there's no certainty in how your partner will respond to that level of vulnerability. Will they love you even more or will they turn away? When you're no longer hiding your insecurities, mistakes, or messy parts of your story, will you still be seen as worthy of love and protection?

Daniel Moore 7:21

And this is a very important part of our relationships as spouses, because if we can't have a safe space between the husband and the wife that we both can go to and know that we are going to be securely taken care of in a loving manner, and that in S you know, example, you are my top priority, and vice versa, then it's very difficult for marital couples to really have much of a relationship, really, when it as far as the deep intimacy goes. Um it does, it can kind of become superficial. And I know as I'm reading, you know, as we're reading through this here and and sharing the beginning of this week's episode, uh I really like what those doctors stated there. Um that's a very good explanation of what we're doing when we're giving our hearts away. And that happens, it's supposed to happen the day that we walk down the aisle.

Michelle Moore 8:22

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 8:23

And we say I do to each other. Part of that I do is I'm giving you my heart. So take care of it. That's in essence what we are saying. But I see so many times, and even you and I went through this where we fail as spouses and we don't take care of each other's hearts, and sometimes there's a lot of damage that's done. And we know from experience when we've had these moments where we've damaged each other's trust and you know did things to each other that we shouldn't have. How hard was it to get that safety space back?

Michelle Moore 9:00

It was very difficult.

Daniel Moore 9:01

It was. There's a process there that you have to go through to even try to to build that back.

Michelle Moore 9:07

And in my mind, when when you're talking about that and the hurt and anger, I was thinking about taking your heart and just like stabbing it with a fork. Yeah. It's a little but you know, if you really think about it and you put that in the context that you were just saying, as they stated, you know, when you're angry and stuff, are you gonna help that heart flourish? Are you gonna pour into it? Are you gonna speak life over it? You know, you you're gonna nurture it. Right. You know, but when you're you've been hurt or damaged, it's like you put a shield over it to where nothing can touch it.

Daniel Moore 9:40

Right.

Michelle Moore 9:40

But yeah, if you're this the partner that made that person hurt, you're not taking care of that heart.

Daniel Moore 9:46

No. And I'm gonna keep you away from the silverware drawer.

Michelle Moore 9:51

I was just sitting there thinking, I'm like, right, right, right. Oh, I got my little noise.

Daniel Moore 9:56

You get a spoon from now on.

Michelle Moore 9:57

You're not getting a fork. I'll just tap it. Oh, okay.

Daniel Moore 10:02

I guess anything's a weapon.

Michelle Moore 10:03

I was trying to be serious too.

Safe Space And Trust After Hurts

Daniel Moore 10:05

No, I really like that because you know, uh, I don't think we realize sometimes even the little things that we the little mistakes that we make sometimes how big the damage can be from something even what we consider to be small, it could still create something huge in our spouse without us realizing it. And sometimes when that safety space is not taken care of, it's hard to talk about it.

Michelle Moore 10:32

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 10:33

Uh we don't want to get into the some spouses aren't comfortable getting into the accusatory stage or the critical stage or calling out their spouse on things that they do, and they let that stuff build up. And then they do, like you said, they start putting defenses up. And we're gonna talk about those here, what those defenses would be, because the truth is that we all yearn to be completely known and still fully accepted.

Michelle Moore 10:58

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 10:59

Yet many people enter into marriage with protective walls already in place. Yes. I mean, how many times have we seen that happen? From early on in life, we encounter pain and we learn to guard ourselves. We carry wounds, those are emotional, relational, sometimes even physical, that shape the way we relate to others. So maybe you that's listening out there right now, maybe you've endured rejection as a child or witnessed your parents' relationship fall apart. Perhaps you've been betrayed in a former relationship or a trusted friend left without explanation. You know, some have experienced deep trauma like abuse or assault. It can get into the really physical stuff or carry guilt from past decisions that they believe disqualify them from love. One thing that I think this paragraph really explains is sometimes stuff that happens in your marriage may not be the root in your marriage. You probably brought it in when you got married. You already had stuff that already taken place even as early as your early childhood. You know, so many people have things happen to them at a very young age. They never deal with it. They never, their parents don't help them deal with it, and they just tuck it away for years and years, and then someday they fall in love with someone, they get married, and they bring it in as extra baggage. Well, when that happens, our spouse is the closest person to us at that point. That's the person that we feel the most safe to be around. And sometimes stuff starts getting exposed that we would have hid from everyone else, but we let our spouse see it. Yeah. And that can be bad stuff that can really put a sh a dark cloud over our marriage if we're not careful. And all of a sudden we realize we have a lot of stuff we never dealt with. And we have a lot of issues there that's now causing marital problems. And so I really like how that, you know, looking at that paragraph like that, that you know, we we can bring wounds, all different kinds of wounds, into our relationships if we're not careful.

Michelle Moore 13:00

Right.

Baggage From The Past

Daniel Moore 13:01

And you and I have seen this from other people, and it's it's very common. Yeah. I think it's a lot more common than what people realize. And when you have these kinds of wounds in you, as you bring them into your marriage, they end up leaving lasting marks. And to protect ourselves whenever we start having this issue, we kind of get to the fight or flight mode at that point, and we come up with elaborate ways to manage closeness. We start trying to take more control of our life uh as a reaction, a defensive mode, keeping conversation shallow, avoiding vulnerability, staying emotionally distant, or distracting ourselves with busyness. These defense mechanisms are often rooted in real pain, but over time they make true intimacy harder to reach and harder to sustain. I've even been there with this because I think both of us have actually. Because even when we started damaging each other in our marriage and we start having all the problems we did between us, you know, I can vividly remember conversations that we always kept shallow because we knew if we talk too deep into something, it's going to bring everything up and we're going to be forced into confronting it. We're going to be con forced into talking about things we don't want to talk about. And so we chose to dance around the issues and just let them be as they sit there and continue to build and become a bigger problem. And, you know, there's the other things, avoiding vulnerability or staying emotionally distant, you know, staying busy all the time. That's one thing I've heard several times with marital with couples that are having problems. Uh sometimes something you'll you'll hear that's really common is well, the husband, when he comes home from work, he just sits in the garage all night to avoid everybody. And at bedtime he comes up, takes a shower, and go to bed. Or the wife, she'll end up in the bedroom reading a book all night long to stay away from her husband. You know, that emotional distance stuff starts taking place. And Michelle and I, we've seen that before in couples. So that's things that we have to be careful of because that does not create safe spaces. Right. That doesn't create some, you know, if me and you're going through that, can you talk to me?

Michelle Moore 15:12

No.

Daniel Moore 15:13

I can't really talk to you either because we we just have issues there. So let's look at some defenses that get put into place because you may, as we go through this conversation already, you might be thinking, well, you know, I maybe I have some of this going on in my life, but maybe we've not nailed it just yet with what exactly is going on in your situation. So let's look at look at some items here that we can do to putting ourselves into defensive mode. And the first, what's the first one there?

Michelle Moore 15:41

Build emotional walls. The second one is maintain shallow relationships, use humor to distract people from seeing the real person.

Daniel Moore 15:50

And some people we like to veg out in front of the TV or the computer nonstop.

Michelle Moore 15:55

Or you can spend countless hours on social media or playing video games.

Daniel Moore 15:59

We can also use anger to control others from getting too close to us.

Michelle Moore 16:04

And we can overly in invest in children, work, or hobbies.

Daniel Moore 16:09

And we talked about that before. Yep. Because when you have kids, it's real easy to let them take the the front row and push the spouse behind. And both spouses, when they do that, the kids become the priority. And then you're you live a life of constantly chasing your kids around instead of keeping your relationship strong. And we've talked about how that can be a problem in our past episodes before. Uh another one is exist in a sexless marriage, which we just finished four weeks talking about.

Michelle Moore 16:44

Um, turning to food for comfort.

Daniel Moore 16:47

We can also prioritize our time with our friends so that we can stay away from our spouses.

Michelle Moore 16:53

And you can project certain personas on social media.

Daniel Moore 16:57

And we see that a lot. Social media, the keyboard warriors, that's an easy place to hide behind a screen and act like we're somebody we're not and make our world look so wonderful and great. Yep. And the whole time we're sitting in seclusion somewhere in a room trying to hide from our spouse because we don't want to be around them or they don't want to be around us. So that creates a huge issue. Uh some of us don't talk about our feelings.

Michelle Moore 17:19

Or you can isolate, hide out in a man cave or a she shed.

Daniel Moore 17:25

You can anesthetize pain through addictions.

Michelle Moore 17:28

Or one that I can say that I truly know that you don't need to do is get involved in an affair.

Daniel Moore 17:36

Yep. And the reason that happens is because a lot of times when there is an affair that happens, that means there's a huge disconnect between the spouses and there is a huge void there that's not being filled by the other spouse. But yet when if somebody else comes into the picture and they start filling that void, they start being that person that's there in the place where your husband or wife is supposed to be, it's real easy to fall into an affair and put all of your time and effort into that relationship. Yeah. Because the other one's failing. Another one, become self-reliant to avoid depending on anyone.

Michelle Moore 18:14

Or disappear when people get too close.

Defense Mechanisms That Block Closeness

Daniel Moore 18:17

So this is a pretty good list of defensive things that you can do, but there's probably more, I'm sure.

Michelle Moore 18:24

No doubt.

Daniel Moore 18:25

There's a lot of things we can do to take up our time. And I think a lot of this is a time issue because as spouses, we are supposed to be cherishing the moments we have with each other. That's right. And the time that we have together. And when we aren't doing that, then we're putting that time and effort somewhere else.

Michelle Moore 18:47

Somewhere else, yeah. Yep.

Daniel Moore 18:48

Um, it's not not taking place with a marital union at that point. So the unfortunate truth is that the very tactics we use to shield ourselves from emotional pain often backfires. These self-protective behaviors take a heavy emotional toll and create distance between spouses. When walls go up, intimacy breaks down. It's incredibly hard for your partner to draw close when you're hiding behind defenses. Over time, this leads to a marriage that looks more like two respectful cohabitants than a loving, emotional, connected couple. Whenever we do these kinds of things and it backfires on us, um, usually that's because a lot of those things in that that we just talked about in that list, they're negatives. They are negative things that we are allowing ourselves to be a part of in our relationship. And so that's that's not something that you want to be taking place in in your marriage. Some spouses truly desire deeper connection and openness, but feel unable to let their guard down because the relationship doesn't feel emotionally secure. It's like the old joke the insurance agent told His client, your paperwork is all correct except for one detail where it says relationship to Mr. Smith, you wrote strained. You should have written wife. That is pretty funny. Humor aside, it's hard to be emotionally available when you're constantly cautious, worried about triggering an argument or misunderstanding. Instead of feeling like your marriage is a place of rest and acceptance, you find yourself anxious or guarded. So when you and I was going through all the stuff that we were going through, and you know, I caused a lot of disconnect with the baggage that I brought into our marriage and caused some of the issues right up front before some of the really deep stuff started happening. As far as putting up your walls, your barriers, trying to pre protect yourself emotionally. Um, what did you find yourself doing?

Michelle Moore 21:05

Yeah, I kind of just I mean, for myself, I started to, I know this kind of sounds weird, but I did put up my walls, and it was like I became numb. It's like whatever you said or did wasn't going to affect me. I wasn't going to let it, even though you did, and it ended up those walls became even bigger because then it turned into I let the anger, bitterness, and hate come in after a while. But yeah, even with the walls built up, you can still hurt someone even more.

Daniel Moore 21:43

And I'm glad you mentioned walls because that's why we don't want to let walls.

Michelle Moore 21:49

Mm-hmm. They're hard to get down once they're built up.

Daniel Moore 21:52

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 21:53

Yeah, absolutely.

Daniel Moore 21:54

And how cruel can you be when those walls are built?

Michelle Moore 21:58

Oh, well, it's like you become a different person.

Daniel Moore 22:00

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 22:01

And you know, you just you let that take it over because I say that. I hate. You let the anger, the bitterness, and um hate take you over because the walls are built so tall that love got hidden somewhere in and behind those walls, forgiveness, all that.

Daniel Moore 22:20

And I think a lot of times when we let those walls build up inside of us, we put ourselves in a mode where we're dealing with our own pain by ourselves.

Michelle Moore 22:29

That's good.

Daniel Moore 22:29

We're not allowing we're not allowing anybody else inside of us to help with that.

Michelle Moore 22:34

Well, obviously, I didn't let God I didn't let anybody else because nobody knew what was going on. Because I let pride on top of all that, just everything just built. And that's the reason why her relationship with Christ is, you know, extremely, extremely important.

Daniel Moore 22:51

It actually keeps us from building those.

Michelle Moore 22:53

That's right.

Daniel Moore 22:54

We can we can go through a lot of trials in life and a lot of huge storms in life and still come out on the other side bruised and battered, probably, but at least still in a better condition if we have Christ involved than if we re reject letting him be a part of it either.

Michelle Moore 23:12

Yeah, because once those walls are you're trying to take care of everything yourself.

Daniel Moore 23:16

Yeah. And I think that drives a lot of people to making very rash decisions.

Michelle Moore 23:22

Bad decisions.

Daniel Moore 23:23

And making making bad choices and doing things they shouldn't be.

Michelle Moore 23:27

Yes.

Daniel Moore 23:27

And of course, it also does not allow you that opportunity to work on the relationship between the spouses. And so we know that it's hard when one spouse has the walls built and the other one, if they have walls built also, it's really almost impossible at that point for those two spouses to reconcile. And so the easier thing a lot of times seems to be just to go opposite directions.

Michelle Moore 23:51

Well, and especially, you know, speaking from if you've been married before and you've been in a situation that was kind of somewhat similar, and you had walls that had been put up before, and you drop those walls, and then the second marriage you come along, and then you find yourself back in that same situation, and it's like I let that person take those walls down, and here we are again. It's harder to get those walls down the second time than when you have been married previously.

Everyday Behaviors That Erode Safety

Daniel Moore 24:20

Yeah, it is. It's almost like it becomes a repetitive thing, and probably there's a lot of self-blame that goes on at that point because there does come a point where some people, because of their personalities and the way that they are, they start thinking, I must have a problem. What's wrong with me? You know, it's like, and then they start going into self-pity mode, and then you got the opposite side of that where some spouses want they go full-blown, full blame on the other spouse, you know, and just start giving them all kinds of grief. And in all in probably in most cases, it's probably two-sided, right? You know, both sides are at fault. Um, but it can definitely put people in a very dangerous place emotionally, and really it's hard to create that safety in your relationship with all that going on. So while there are countless missteps that can lead to emotional shutdowns in a marriage, you know, we've seen a few repeated patterns that tend to do the most damage. To better understand what makes people close off emotionally, hundreds of couples were asked a simple but revealing question. What makes you feel emotionally unsafe in your marriage? Well, the answers that they gave gave some really powerful insight into the real barriers keeping couples from fully opening their heart to one another. So we've got a list here of some of the top responses and the behaviors that make a marriage feel unsafe. So, Michelle, why don't you go ahead and share those with us?

Michelle Moore 25:58

Being criticized, and that was number one, being physically threatened, intimidated, or abused. You may be uh feeling put down or belittled when your spouse emotionally withdraws, hurtful jokes or sarcastic comments are at your expense, having your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions judged, being ignored or minimized, feeling controlled, or being verbally attacked, when your spouse intensely defends himself or herself, or being yelled at or spoken to with harsh words, when promises are broken, being incessantly nagged. I could have been that way a couple times or two.

Daniel Moore 26:52

Possibly.

Michelle Moore 26:53

When your spouse shares private information without your permission, having your past mistakes repeatedly brought up, when your spouse doesn't listen, feeling unloved, rejected, or abandoned, and when you don't get the benefit of doubt, being deceived, feeling disrespected, or being embarrassed or humiliated in front of others. If you ever did that, I'm gonna punch you in the face. Suffering a betrayal or infidelity, or when affection or sex is withheld or used as a weapon, feeling like your opinion doesn't matter, when your spouse is unwilling to admit he or she is wrong or seek forgiveness, being forced to do something that you're uncomfortable with when your spouse tries to fix you. I love that one. When your needs are dismissed as unimportant.

Daniel Moore 27:57

So that's a lot of good stuff. It's actually really good. And it's a lot of stuff you and I both can personally relate to.

Michelle Moore 28:05

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 28:05

Um just looking there at some of the very first ones, you know, some of your past relationship that you had, you I know there was some put-downs, belittling. Uh I've seen couples around us that do the hurtful jokes, the sarcastic comments at the other spouse's expense. And I think, you know, that one there really irritates me.

Michelle Moore 28:29

I'm sure I honestly all these I have experienced.

Daniel Moore 28:34

You've probably experienced all of them. Yeah, it's very common, I think, a very common list that probably anybody that's listening right now can probably relate to at some point or other in your marriage or your relationships. But I do I think one thing that does really irritate me for sure when I see it happen is when and this seems to happen more so from the guy side, the guy making the comments about the wife. Um, but they'll have their friends around or whatever, and they'll do, you know, sarcastic comments or jokes at the expense of their spouse. And stuff like that just burns me up. Honestly, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Michelle Moore 29:16

It does. I just I feel like it's happened in front of us, and he's just like, uh, I don't like this at all.

Daniel Moore 29:22

I just want to leave the room. I feel so embarrassed for the person that's being made fun of, and I can only imagine if I feel that way, and it's not even me that's those dire those uh remarks are being directed to. I can only imagine uh what she felt like. Yeah, you know, and there's just no no reason for that. Now, if you're in a relationship where both spouses like to joke around a lot, they clown around, they've they've got the happy party personalities or whatever, you may tease each other that way. But as long as you both know that you're doing it lightheartedly and you're just having fun with it, that's a little different.

Nonverbal Communication And Fight Or Flight

Michelle Moore 30:01

But does other people with other people it depends? I mean, it I guess if it it would be okay is if it it was between the two of you joking around. But if you were in a room of other people, I don't know what that would be because some people wouldn't consider that and then they'd be like, Did you hear that?

Daniel Moore 30:17

You know, it's possible, but I think if the other spouse knew that they were joking, they're probably gonna rib them back. So I think you'll probably just see the playful banter between the two. That doesn't make me feel so uncomfortable when I when I see that they're just playing with each other and having some fun, but you can tell they truly love each other, you know. But the other part, yes, I hate it. But yeah, there's just there's a lot of things there. And if if you relate to any of those things that we just talked about there in that list, then this episode's for you because that means you've probably got a safety issue uh right now in your relationship. And so with that list that we just shared, it might be something obvious from it, or it might be something subtle, like the tone of voice, or that certain negative look, a shake of the head, rolling of the eyes. But when we encounter these wrongs, we feel unsafe and instantly go into fight or flight mode. We counterattack or we withdraw. And we've been through the conversation, the communication stuff several times on this podcast. And the that uh line that we just shared there is communication. The negative looks, the shaking head, the rolling eyes, the tone of voice. As we said many times, communication is not just talking. That's right. Communication includes any kind of interaction you have with another person where they can tell that you're communicating with them in a positive or negative manner. So that's stuff that we have to watch for because that can again, if you do any of this stuff, your spouse says something, you roll your eyes at them, or you shake your head and blow them off like they're stupid. What does that do to your safe spot?

Michelle Moore 31:58

I always laugh because if you say something and I just kind of look at you, you're like, What?

Daniel Moore 32:03

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 32:03

And I'm like, nothing. He's like, no, there is something. And I'm like, no. And he's like, no, just spit it out. And it's funny because you don't realize sometimes the look on your face really defines how you feel.

Daniel Moore 32:17

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 32:18

Or, you know, and he can read me like a book, and I'm just like, and there has been one or two times where there really wasn't anything, but for the most part, he knows me so well. It's like, I'll just kind of it's not like an evil look or anger look, it's just a look.

Daniel Moore 32:34

Yeah. And if you don't believe that it can happen, get your spouse and sit down at a table some night when you don't have nothing else to do, and sit there and just use facial expressions. Don't say a word, just use facial expressions, and you would be amazed how you can carry on a conversation with fate your face. I mean, I heard this once on a podcast, and I had that visual in my mind while they were talking about it, and I'm like, that is so true, because you can almost say anything with your face, you know, go get this over there. I mean, there's a lot of things you can motion with your head or face and get it across what you're asking. And so if you can do that just in a fun, joking manner, then can't you chew somebody out with your face? Absolutely. Um there's a lot of different ways that you can communicate what you're trying to say to a spouse. So you have to be super careful with how you do that.

Michelle Moore 33:32

I'm trying to give him a serious look right now.

Daniel Moore 33:35

Yeah, I'm I'm starting to worry about my safe space here because I I think it's going bye-bye. So yeah, that's just some things to keep into mind. We don't want to get into that fight or flight mode.

Michelle Moore 33:47

No.

Daniel Moore 33:47

That's not a place you want to be because that's then making you have to make a choice for your inner stability.

Michelle Moore 33:54

Right.

Signs Your Heart Is Shutting Down

Daniel Moore 33:54

And you don't want to be in that spot. So when this takes place, and we've been talking about the closed heart and the heart shutting down, and you might be thinking, well, if I'm going through all this stuff and I've actually had a lot of this stuff in this list happen to me, and I do feel like I'm shut down right now and I'm not being open with my spouse, but how do I know that my heart has for sure shut down? Well, uh, we've got some some things here to look for. So, Michelle, won't you share those with us?

Michelle Moore 34:24

Little or no eye contact. You can do uh negative body language, whether your arms are folded or crossed, or you could be glaring or pounting, um, or possibly just silence or withdraw, disconnecting relationally and physically, leaving the room. Or you can be bitter or have bitterness and resentment. Or I like this one anger, whether it may be yelling or intimidation. And anger to me, sometimes when it says yelling, you don't really even have to yell sometimes. Your voice can just elevate. Yeah, and you can start seeing that.

Daniel Moore 35:05

So um escalation of the voice, yeah.

Michelle Moore 35:08

Yeah. So harshness or acting cruel or just refusing touch. Or you could be insensitive or callousness, um, selfishness, or here's a good one, unwillingness to forgive.

Daniel Moore 35:24

It's a bad one.

Michelle Moore 35:25

Yeah. Um, emotional dissonance or coldness, um, and despair and hopelessness.

Daniel Moore 35:32

And not only can you look for these in your own self, but this is a good way too to gauge if your spouse has shut their heart down. And of course, we do not want to encourage you in this in talking about this to look at your spouse and start trying to give them the evaluation list here and then start pointing it out. Okay, you're angry and you're refusing my touch and you're this and you're that. Start criticizing them because guess what? Their heart's gonna shut down even more.

Michelle Moore 36:01

Don't want that.

Daniel Moore 36:02

You don't want that at all. You're trying to fix this issue, you're not trying to make it worse.

Michelle Moore 36:06

That's all right.

Daniel Moore 36:07

Um, but it's good to know though, what that list is of signs, and there's more signs that can go with those, those are just a small portion of things to look for.

Michelle Moore 36:16

Those are really, really good.

Daniel Moore 36:17

But they're they're good ones to really kind of open up your heart a little bit to see how you might be feeling at that moment or how your spouse may be feeling at that moment.

Michelle Moore 36:27

And did you feel any like when you as I was reading those, do you remember the time when you felt those or some of them?

Daniel Moore 36:34

Yeah, I did because you know, there's a lot of those things that because my heart was shut down, uh we probably didn't have a whole lot of eye contact. No. We're trying to stay away from each other. Uh we did have negative body language when we were fighting and having arguments, which there was, you know, and in that one also was anger, selfishness, bitterness, resentment. There's a lot of things that go into when you're having an argument.

Michelle Moore 37:01

Uh-huh.

Daniel Moore 37:01

Several of those items can fall into that one one thing. Uh then, of course, insensitivity or callousness. That's a that's a bad one because that's when your spouse gets to a point where they can say anything and everything to you that's hateful and not not regret it. They truly mean what they tell you.

Michelle Moore 37:19

I was there.

Daniel Moore 37:20

Yes.

Michelle Moore 37:21

And it that is a very scary place, let me just tell you.

Daniel Moore 37:26

Yeah, I think that's almost to the point of no return if you let it get to that point a lot of times, because it's it's hard to win your spouse back when they truly feel that way about you. And so there's a lot of things there in that list that, and of course, the unwillingness to forgive, we can't get anywhere if we're not going to have forgiveness. There's just no way around that one at all. And that's why in the Bible it's mentioned so many times, and that's you know, the the very foundation of a lot of what Jesus talked about in the gospel. Um, it all rotated around forgiveness and forgiving other people.

Michelle Moore 38:01

Yeah.

Hard Hearts And The Path Back

Daniel Moore 38:02

And if we don't forgive other people for what they've done and truly mean it, it's very hard to be serious in that relationship and for you to work things out. Yeah. So that's a a few good signs to watch for when you're trying to decide if you have your heart shut down or not. So as we close this week, a shutdown heart is relationally risky. You know, in my situation, when my own heart is closed off, I start becoming overly critical or defensive. I'm really good at going into defensive mode. Michelle can vouch for that. I know I'm not a safe presence in my marriage at that point. In that state, I'm more focused on managing my internal discomfort than considering Michelle's feelings or well-being. It's easy to lash out or withdraw, not out of cruelty, but because I've lost sight of the bigger picture. When we're emotionally closed off, it's like a turtle pulling into its shell or a pill bug curling up tight. That's in little rolly pulleys. Whenever they roll up, and you can't see nothing anymore except that little bitty ball.

Michelle Moore 39:27

Only you would bring that up.

Daniel Moore 39:28

Rolly polies rolled up tight. We can't see the world clearly outside of your our own pain. Everything becomes dark and distorted. King David described this experience in Psalm 40, verse 12, when he admitted that he could no longer see clearly because his troubles had overwhelmed him. That's just an interesting thing to think about in our life when we can't see anything that's going on around us because we have so much negativity, troubles, and problems going on in our life, that's all we focus on. Just like David. When our hearts are unsettled or overwhelmed, we become disoriented. Our ability to think clearly disappears and we rely solely on logic stripped of compassion. That's when we start making head decisions without any heart involved. And we can easily justify harmful actions or reactions convinced that they make sense in the moment. It's why good, well-meaning people are sometimes capable of deeply hurtful behavior when their hearts are closed. Or I didn't think she had that in her. Well, sadly, when we shut down emotionally for too long, our hearts begin to calcify. They don't just close, they harden. After walking alongside couples in crisis, we've learned this one truth again and again. Harden hearts, not just surface problems, are what ultimately destroys relationships. As Max Lacato once pointed out, a hard heart not only damages your life, but impacts everyone around you. Jesus Himself addressed this in Matthew 19.8 when he explained that divorce came about not because it was meant to be that way, but because of hardened hearts. That was never part of God's original design for relationships. The encouraging part a closed or hardened heart isn't permanent.

Michelle Moore 41:18

Praise the Lord.

Daniel Moore 41:19

With time and willingness, hearts can reopen and soften again. But restoration has to start with your own heart.

Michelle Moore 41:28

So good. So good.

Daniel Moore 41:29

And you can validate that. Yep. Because 100%. Because at one time you told me to run my jeep into a cliff and kill myself. And here we are now doing a marriage podcast. I wonder how did that happen?

Michelle Moore 41:42

It's so crazy because when you say that, I just cringe because it's like, who was that person that would say something so mean like that? And it's like, Michelle, it was you, you know, and it's like, who was that person? But I'm so thankful that God turned everything around and literally changed my heart.

Daniel Moore 42:03

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 42:04

I mean, you know, if you really think about it, God sees you as someone um in his own image. And if that heart's closed off, you're not even looking at his image anymore. You're looking at your own.

Daniel Moore 42:16

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 42:17

And if you close that wall, you become someone totally that that God did not intend you to be.

Daniel Moore 42:22

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 42:22

And that's who I was. I don't even know who I was. And and I look back and I still to this day I'm like, okay, God. I mean, I was very selfish and I chose to to live my life for nobody but me.

Daniel Moore 42:35

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 42:35

And because I allowed so much into my heart, um, instead of praying and seeking him, it was literally a selfish decision. But every time you say that, like, or even I say it, it's like people look at you and it's like, I can't believe she'd say something like that. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know who that person is. We know Michelle. It's like and trust me, people, like when he says things, it's like, oh, I just like, but thank you, God, forgiving me. And thank you to my husband for forgiving me. And you know, restoration.

Daniel Moore 43:11

Yep.

Michelle Moore 43:11

I mean, that's just the word that just always I'm so thankful for it. Yeah. Not just with my marriage, but with God.

Hope, Restoration, And What’s Next

Daniel Moore 43:18

I agree. It's not a good place to be when you're so angry that you would treat someone so badly. It's just that's not how God wanted it to be. And when you say, you know, you sometimes look at yourself and wonder how to ever get to that place. You know, we all know who instigates that. You know, when we let Satan get a toehold, then he can make us do some things that we never even thought was possible. You know, Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. I mean, it's you just see both two different sides of two different people when he gets involved in everything. And that's why it's so important, like we was talking earlier, to keep Christ first.

Michelle Moore 43:57

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 43:58

And make sure that you you can walk in, you're already walking in victory when you keep Christ in the middle of everything. And that being the case, it makes it a lot harder for us to fall into these situations because we're going to God for that restoration and for those answers and for Him to draw us back closer together.

Michelle Moore 44:16

That's right.

Daniel Moore 44:17

So have anything else to add to this week's?

Michelle Moore 44:19

No, that's so good.

Daniel Moore 44:21

It's been a really good episode. Next week, when we come back, we're going to talk about healing your heart. If it's hardened up like that and it's not soft anymore, we're going to talk about doing that. And there's four steps that we're going to talk about to go through to reestablish that safety and that safe spot in your marriage. So we'll be looking forward to that. So we're going to go ahead and call it good for this week, though. And don't forget that if you want to catch next week's episode, you need to subscribe. If you're not subscribed, you won't get the notifications when they release, and then you're stuck searching around trying to see if it's released or not. So please subscribe and share. If you know of anybody that's going through a marriage like what we've been talking about over the last month, needs some restoration in their life, uh, needs a marriage reset. These episodes are for them. And anybody that you know of, please share these to them so that hopefully they can reach some of the rewards as well in having a better marriage as they listen to the episodes and maybe something will resonate with them. You can reach out to us on the website at connectingthegap.net. There is a form there, marriage life and more gets to the same spot. Uh fill that out or email us at Daniel at connectingthegap.net if you'd like to uh get a hold of us and share something with us. We'd love to hear from you. But for now, we're gonna go. That's all for this week. And as we go, we do pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode. This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.