4 Steps to Creating Safety in Your Marriage Pt 3 (Marriage Reset Series) - 297

What if your home felt like the safest place on earth? We walk through four attributes of God—slow to anger, gracious, merciful, and abounding in love—and show how they turn everyday friction into a pathway for deeper trust. From thermostat tiffs to real breaches of safety, we get honest about what deserves a conversation, what needs to be released, and when boundaries and professional support become the most loving next step.

We start with patience that doesn’t bottle up anger but channels it with wisdom. You’ll hear a candid look at escalation, why “winning” an argument often loses the relationship, and how discernment helps you decide when to speak and when to let a small thing pass. Then we turn to grace as unearned favor in a marriage—practical language shifts that stop blame spirals and restore dignity, plus a simple mindset that sees your spouse the way God does. Mercy takes us deeper into empathy: showing up to feel before you fix, listening long enough to understand the story beneath the behavior, and using presence to lower defenses and open hearts.

Finally, we explore abounding love as commitment you can feel and see. We talk about removing exit ramps, honoring the marriage itself, and building daily habits that anchor unity—naming what you love about the relationship, setting shared goals, and developing the grit to repair quickly. Along the way we weave in Scripture, real-life growth moments, and practical tools to help you create emotional safety without tolerating harm.

If you’re ready to trade nitpicking for discernment, sarcasm for grace, quick fixes for compassion, and uncertainty for steadfast commitment, this conversation will give you language, steps, and hope. Subscribe, share with a couple who needs encouragement, and leave a review to help more marriages find a safe place to heal and grow.

Transcript

Welcome And Series Context

Michelle Moore 0:06

Marriage has a funny way of putting God's character to test, usually before breakfast, and almost always over something small, like the thermostat, the laundry pile, or that sound your spouse makes while chewing. We all love that God is gracious, merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in love. But living those traits out in marriage is where things get real fast.

Four Traits For Emotional Safety

Daniel Moore 0:35

These aren't just nice sounding qualities that God occasionally displays, they're who he is. And marriage gives us a front row seat and endless opportunities to practice them with someone who knows all our buttons and somehow keeps finding them. So today, we're diving into these four attributes of God and exploring how they create emotional safety in marriage because if your marriage is going to feel like a safe place, it can't just survive on love alone. It needs a whole lot of patience, grace, mercy, and commitment to Welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies, and we interview people that have inspiring stories. I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and over here next to me is my awesome, beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.

Michelle Moore 1:27

Hey, hey.

Daniel Moore 1:28

Thank you guys for joining us this week. If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at Marriage Life and More.com. Our platforms are there, YouTube and Rumble Links. We're also on the Christian Podcasting app at Edifi. We're also on your Alexa and Google Smart Devices. You can visit us on social on Facebook, Instagram, and X at CTGapOnline. And if you're a fan of our show, please subscribe and feel free to leave a comment on our platforms and give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. And we thank you in advance for doing that for us. Well, this week we're going to wrap up episode 11 that we started a couple weeks ago about four steps for creating safety in your marriage.

Slow To Anger: Patience And Discernment

Michelle Moore 2:17

We love these characteristics of God. These aren't just behaviors, these are traits define who God is. His way of living in marriage, there will be no shortage of opportunities to extend these behaviors to your spouse. So, how do we create safety in the midst of our marital frustrations? Let's unpack these four attributes of God found in Joel 2, 12, and 13 and see how they create safety. The first one is safety is slow to anger. Return to the Lord, your God, for he is slow to anger. This phrase, slow to anger, isn't just mentioned once or twice in Scripture. It appears at least 14 different times. And every time it points to God's long-suffering nature. Being slow to anger isn't about passitivity. It reflects the strength to remain patient with others, especially when they're difficult, irritating, or even hurtful. After over two decades of marriage, we've come to really appreciate the value of patience. Marriage gives you plenty of chances to practice it. It's easy to get frustrated or disappointed by your spouse's actions. Think about this in a daily married life. Waiting on your spouse to get ready when you're already running late, dealing with laundry on the floor, finding empty snack wrappers in the places they shouldn't be, or hearing that distinct sound of snoring in the middle of the night. That's so damn. Then there are shared life annoyances. However, these things are small, but they pile up if not met with grace. Patience gives your partner room to be human and imperfect, the same grace we constantly need ourselves. That said, patience doesn't mean ignoring everything. Discernment is just as vital. The author of Proverbs gives us helpful insight in Proverbs 19 and 11. Smart people know how to hold their tongue. Their grandeur is to forgive and forget. In other words, wisdom helps us decide what to address and what to release. Author Ashley Slater offers a great lens here. So we ask ourselves, is this behavior missing God's mark, or is it simply missing mine? Is it a quirk I find grating, or is it offensive to God and hurtful to our relationship? If it's a matter of annoyance, not destructiveness, then we choose to let it go. Sometimes the bothersome things simply aren't worth the battle. Often we choose to move a bothersome thing to the conversational front burner. It doesn't improve our marriage. It simply feeds one of our needs to have certain things a certain way.

Daniel Moore 5:53

So I'm gonna break in here for a second. When we're looking at this discernment and patience thing, that's a tough one. I've I'm not a very patient person, am I?

Michelle Moore 6:05

No. He has gotten better. I've gotten better. But mostly by like two minutes, and that's it.

Daniel Moore 6:12

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 6:12

After that two minutes, he's done.

Daniel Moore 6:14

So that's my two minutes of discernment. Yeah, well that is. Yeah, it's that's a character trait, and that's a tough one for some people to navigate through. But it is something that I'm working on.

Michelle Moore 6:27

But maybe in the year we might come back and say he's done four minutes instead of two minutes.

Daniel Moore 6:33

It's progress. That's what it is.

Michelle Moore 6:35

Sorry.

Daniel Moore 6:37

But I was kind of smiling here as we was going through this part because there was a time whenever we were having our situations, our you know, our back and forth fights and whatever you want, arguments, whatever you want to call it, that I was not slow to anger. Uh it's I'm one of those, and I think I've probably mentioned this before, I'm sure, in a podcast we've done already, but uh I have a tendency to be an escalator. And whenever I get into an argument with somebody and you know I really feel like I'm right and I want to get my point across, I elevate my voice and keep doing that to keep talking over the other person until they submit to what I'm saying. So, and I'm not proud of that. That's not a good uh that's not a good trait to have, but that's just how I tendency have a to be. I'm trying to do that, not do that anymore. I try to stay away from doing that. So if there's people that I know invokes conversations like that out of me, I try to avoid conversations with them because I know better. But that being slow to anger thing and being patient with your spouse is a really big deal. And when you started talking there towards the end about things that are petty and things that really mean or matter something, how often do we always see stuff like that happen? There are things sometimes that you're better off to just let go and not make a big huge ordeal and big fight out of it. There are things sometimes you do need to talk through that it that's where the discernment comes in. Because we've seen you know many times, and it's even happened between you and I, where it's a like a bad little habit or something that just eats and eats and eats and it it becomes a big deal, and then that big that little thing gets brought up and then it creates a big huge argument and a big huge fight. So after that fight and argument is done, did it really make the marriage better? Or did it just get your point across that that irritates me? You know, and I think I like how this is bringing out the point here that we for sure need to focus on the things that builds our marriage. If we do things between each other or you know, do things that irritate each other or whatever it may be, if it's something that's actually tearing our marriage down, then we definitely need to address that. Yeah. That's something that really matters. Well, when she But don't be nitpicky.

Michelle Moore 9:12

Yeah. Well, when she said, Is this behavior missing God's mark or is it simply missing mine?

Daniel Moore 9:18

Right.

Michelle Moore 9:19

I love that because like you said, it's one of those things that you want to make sure that it's not your personal agenda.

Daniel Moore 9:28

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 9:28

Or you're picking on something that's bothering you.

Daniel Moore 9:32

Yeah.

Letting Go Of Petty Fights

Michelle Moore 9:33

Is it really affecting you know the relationship so much that it's affecting God too? Like your relationship. I I'm a type of person, and Daniel tell you, before I wanted to talk about things and like, let's get it out, let's talk, let's talk, what's going on? And when he didn't, it really frustrated me. But now, can you say that I just like I don't really I mean it's not that I don't care, it's just it's a the little things. Now I will fight and he will tell you, I am very opinionated when it comes to our children. And I do stand my ground, but there are times that the Holy Spirit will be like, you're wrong. And this is you know, and it's like, I'll come to Dan. And I mean, we kind of little spat about it, and then he'll say his and I'm like, no, I'm doing this. And he, I mean, what's he gonna do? Tell me no after he's already told me no and I do what I want. But there are a lot of times that the Holy Spirit will be like, you're wrong. So that discernment of acknowledging that, I will come to him and I'm like, okay, you're right, you know. But I'm kind of now, I'm like, it's not worth my time to fight about that. If that's what you want to do, you be you. You know, it's like I'm just not even with my children now, I'm the same way. You want to do you, you do you. You know, that's between you and God. It's not for me. And even with you, if there's something I don't necessarily agree about it, that's between you and God. Yeah. Unless I feel in my spirit that something's bothering me about it, I I I mean, I will say something. I'm like, I don't I don't agree with that. That's not really something that I think we should be doing or going with, or you shouldn't be doing that, like snoring every night, but we still haven't got that and fixed.

Daniel Moore 11:17

I still think that's the dog.

Michelle Moore 11:19

It is not the dog.

Daniel Moore 11:20

I'm almost certain.

Michelle Moore 11:22

He knows the next morning when I haven't got much sleep, and I'm like, you're snoring.

Daniel Moore 11:27

Was Jose at it again? That crazy little chihuahua. We're gonna do something about that.

Michelle Moore 11:34

But for the most part, I mean, honestly, I mean, we do. I I I let things fly off. I know you do now. Yeah. I mean, we both are just kind of like, okay, whatever. You know, we're we're past that because it's petty. But I do have friends that can sit there and pick nitpick everything. And I'm just like, is that really worth it? You know, is that really building your marriage if you want to address it? And there's sometimes, I mean, I really won't say anything at all because I'm just like, you're gonna do it whether you like you want, you know, you're not gonna listen to me. You're saying this to me and asking for my opinion, but you're not gonna listen to me because you're gonna do what you want to do.

Daniel Moore 12:11

And I think too, we've also came to a point, though, where I know for myself, if I realize that there's little things that do irritate you, there are some things that I have stopped doing.

Michelle Moore 12:25

That is not snoring, just FYI.

Daniel Moore 12:28

That's a chihuahua. That's not me. But there are little things, you know, that I've if I know that it's an irritation to you and it really bothers you, we're at a point in our relationship right now where we can usually recognize that just by body language, even if we don't speak it. We can recognize some of those things. And there are some things sometimes that if it's a little small thing that I can avoid that in the future. And you do the same thing.

Michelle Moore 12:57

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 12:58

Uh so that way we do try to accommodate each other to the best that we can because we obviously don't want to be an irritation to each other at all. But I literally, you know, we've seen different cases where we've, you know, seen friends or family members or whatever, they'll just nitpick and nitpick, and you can tell the other spouse is so tired of it, they won't usually say nothing, nothing very often when they're in front of other people because they don't want to, you know, embarrass or you know, bring attention to it or whatever, but you can tell that it's just eating at them. And it's hard to strengthen your marriage and make it better and get it to a much better place if you're going to constantly nitpick about things. And as she says, move bothersome things to the conversational front burner when when those things don't really improve the marriage. Even if you talk through them and fix them, it really has nothing to do with the marriage being good. Yeah, it's just a personal preference that you get irritated over, right? You know? And so, yes, I think that you need to send some of those things to the places where they need to die. So, as we finish this point out, that's exactly what King Solomon was driving at in Proverbs 19:11. Healthy marriage is about knowing when to pick a fight and when to let something slide. So, Michelle, she's hard to get out of bed in the mornings.

Michelle Moore 14:18

Okay, he is not saying what a he put in here because he put Michelle being consistently late might irritate me, but it's not sinful. Right. Just a note, yes. He's over here dying laughing because we cut a part out because he read it, and I'm like, wait a minute. And he starts laughing so hard, and I'm just like, you know what? I am late. We're gonna leave this part in here. It's okay to acknowledge it. I acknowledge I am late. There are times on the weekdays I am very hard to get up because why? I don't get much sleep at night.

Daniel Moore 14:54

Because I snore. Chihuahua snores.

Michelle Moore 14:58

So, anyways, I You gotta sell a Chihuahua.

Daniel Moore 15:01

Does anybody have a want a chihuahua?

Michelle Moore 15:03

Yeah. So I acknowledge it. But and now I recognize that it irritates him because he's never said anything to me. He just brings me my glass of water in the morning as I'm trying to get out of bed. And see, he never even lets me know. But now he let me know on the podcast. So I'm very well aware of it.

Daniel Moore 15:22

Cats out of the bag.

Michelle Moore 15:23

Go ahead and finish, babe.

Daniel Moore 15:25

My quieter nature as an introvert might frustrate her, but again, it's not harmful. These aren't red flag behaviors, they're just part of learning how to love someone as they are. But sometimes patience means standing firm, especially when the behavior is deeply damaging or violates God's design for relationship. Things like abuse, betrayal, addiction, deceit, or repeated patterns of unrighteous anger are not issues to tolerate quietly. In those cases, patience looks different. It means honoring the person while refusing to accept the sin. It means loving them enough to set boundaries and protect your marriage and your heart.

Boundaries When Harm Is Present

Michelle Moore 16:05

Patience doesn't require silence in the face of danger. It involves creating safe, loving boundaries that allow the relationship to heal if possible. These boundaries reflect God's wisdom and love. They're not barriers to keep your spouse out, but safeguards to keep your own heart open while recognizing the need for change. If you're facing a situation like this, meet with a qualified Christian counselor who can pray with you, consider what boundaries need to be in place to preserve your personal well-being and the potential for restoration in your marriage.

Daniel Moore 16:43

So that's really good. So the first point there is to make sure that you're slow to anger. And when that takes place, then that helps build that safe spot within your marriage. The second one is safety is gracious. Grace in a spiritual sense is one of the clearest demonstrations of God's love for humanity. In fact, the New Testament alone references grace over 170 times, which speaks to how central it is to the life of a believer. The Oxford English Dictionary defines grace as the free and undeserved favor of God, seen most clearly in how He saves us and pours out His blessings. But grace isn't just a theological concept. It has the power to reshape how we treat each other, especially in marriage. Grace doesn't mean pretending that hard things don't exist or brushing real issues under the rug, rather it's about making a conscious choice in how we relate to our spouse, choosing kindness where others might choose condemnation. Grace is love that doesn't have to be earned. So how can we reflect God's example by extending grace in our marriages? Well, just put it simply, giving grace to your spouse means loving them right where they are. You know, Michelle, she shows regular grace to me, even when I mess up, because the truth is I'm far from perfect. Me and my chihuahua snore. Grace means choosing to look beyond the behaviors that frustrate you and remembering the deeper truth about who your spouse really is. It's about holding on to their worth and identity, not just reacting to the moment that they let you down. Offering grace means choosing to believe the best in your spouse even when they fall short.

Michelle Moore 18:29

That's good.

Graciousness: Unearned Favor At Home

Daniel Moore 18:30

It pushes through the hurt or the annoyance and holds firm to the eternal truth. Your husband or wife is made in God's image and is deeply loved by Him. Yes. That value never changes, no matter how they behave. That's what grace often looks like, choosing to ask instead of accuse. Saying something like, I know this isn't like you, so help me understand what's behind it. Grace refuses to jump to conclusions or assume the worst. Instead, it leans into compassion and curiosity, wanting to understand before reacting. This reflects the heart of Ephesians 432, which instructs us to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, just as God has forgiven us through Christ. In any marriage, grace isn't a one-time act. It's a daily choice to extend love, not because your spouse has earned it, but because love chooses to keep showing up anyway. And how many times as spouses do we do things for our spouse because we feel like, oh, you've earned it this week because you done this and this and this? And people will do that in a snarky, sarcastic way. Yeah. You know, that's something that you and I have really had to learn is that grace and that forgiveness, with if we didn't have that, we wouldn't be where we're at right now.

Michelle Moore 19:50

That's right. I mean, look, I can give you grace and forgiveness every night when you and the chihuahua.

Daniel Moore 19:57

It might be Wilford the golden doodle, too. Yeah, grace is very important in a marriage because again, if we go back to the first one where we're gonna constantly nitpick and we're gonna, you know, have all these little uh pet peeves that we constantly, you know, do things to the other spouse over and make these little snide comments or whatever, that's not giving grace. That's the opposite of giving grace. And we've mentioned before, and we actually talk about this in our marriage 911 when we when we work with our marriages that are in crisis, is you need to ask God to allow you to see your spouse through his heart. You need to ask God to allow you to see uh your spouse the way that Christ sees them. And if you consistently do that on a regular basis, then it's almost hard to not be able to give grace to your spouses. Because when we look at them in the the way that God looks at us, knowing that, like it said there, no matter what our flaws are or the things that we do wrong, God sees the person that he created in his own image.

Michelle Moore 21:10

Yes, that's so good.

Daniel Moore 21:11

And he loves us regardless, even though we made that petty mistake. Yeah. He still loves us and still extends that grace to us even though we didn't deserve it. And I know there's many times that you haven't wanted to give me grace because you didn't feel like I deserved it, and vice versa. We've done some mean things to each other.

Michelle Moore 21:29

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 21:29

And we could have very easily never extended that grace or forgiveness, but we chose to do so. And that made a huge difference in our relationship. So is there anything that you wanted to add to that one?

Michelle Moore 21:41

I'm on that one. Okay.

Daniel Moore 21:43

So that's the second step to trying to get to this place where you have a safe spot emotionally in your marriage that you can run to and feel safe to communicate with your spouses, is to remember you've got to give grace and make sure you give that back and forth so that there's forgiveness. If something harsh comes up and there's something bad you got to attend to, you'll know that you can still approach that with each other in a healthy manner. Right. And hopefully come out of that extending grace of forgiveness to each other and also saying that, okay, we're going to fix this and we're going to make this better. So Michelle, share number three.

Michelle Moore 22:35

Number three is safety is merciful. Another way to understand being merciful is by thinking of it as being deeply kind-hearted or tender toward others or compassionate. The concept of compassion is often described as a powerful emotional response to another's distress. More than just feeling for someone, compassion leads to a strong urge to help ease that discomfort. In relationships, especially in marriage, compassion means recognizing and valuing your partner's emotional needs. A verse from Colossians 3.12 encourages us to clothe ourselves with compassion, humility, gentleness, patience, and kindness. Traits that establish a healthy foundation for growing emotional closeness.

Daniel Moore 23:28

So when Michelle is struggling, what she truly needs is not solutions or comparisons. You need presence and empathy. She doesn't want to brush me off, offer cliches, or remind her how others have it worse. What she needs is someone to join her in that emotional space to feel alongside her, to view the world through her eyes. When people feel understood and cared for, their hearts relax and begin to open. Showing compassion builds an environment where emotional connection and trust can thrive. A heart will open when it feels safe, and compassion creates safety.

Michelle Moore 24:07

Even if you come up with the perfect solution to a problem, your spouse likely won't be impressed until they truly feel that you care. This is something Jesus demonstrated in a powerful way after the death of his friend Lazarus. When he arrived and saw the deep sorrow of Lazarus' family, he didn't jump straight to fixing the situation. Instead, he paused and entered into their grief. John 11 35 says Jesus wept. That moment has always stood out to us. Why would Jesus, knowing he was about to bring Lazarus back to life, choose to weep first? With the most miraculous answer ready, he still made room for empathy and connection. Maybe one of the lessons there is to genuine care often means embracing someone's pain before offering solutions.

Daniel Moore 25:02

So I think back to moments when Michelle needed that kind of presence for me, but instead of meeting your pain, I tried to rush to fix things, which is very common for spouses. That's that's something that, especially from a guy's standpoint, we like to be fixers. If we see our wives going through a situation, it's really dragging them down, it's working on them emotionally, uh, they're really struggling with it. That does pull up my heartstrings. I mean, I hate it when you are suffering through something and I want to try to help.

Michelle Moore 25:34

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 25:35

But you don't always necessarily want help.

Michelle Moore 25:38

No.

Daniel Moore 25:38

You don't necessarily always want me to fix it. You want me to understand and join in that with you. And that helps you work through all of that and come out to a good outcome in the long run. And so whenever I try to rush in and fix things like that, I then miss the chance to show you true compassion.

Seeing Your Spouse As God Sees Them

Michelle Moore 25:57

Yeah. Yeah. So we've come to realize how powerful compassion can be in building a sense of emotional security in our marriage. When we truly listen and respond to each other's feelings with understanding, it naturally softens the tone between us. One of our favorite interpretations of Proverbs 2515 comes from the message patient persistence pierces through indifference, gentle speech breaks down rigged defenses. When we show care and compassion, we're not just being kind. We're breaking down barriers and inviting closeness. It's in these moments that hearts begin to open and connection grows.

Daniel Moore 26:43

So that's really good. If we can't show compassion during moments that it needs to be shown, sometimes we just need a friend.

Michelle Moore 26:52

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 26:52

Sometimes we just need somebody that'll sit there and listen. And like I said earlier, more often than not, though, we want to j start trying to jump on that wagon of we need to do this and this and this and this, and this is what worked. And I read this last week, and you just start, you know, bombarding this person with all of these solutions on how they really need to fix their problem. And that person probably didn't even come up to you to try to get a solution to the problem. Uh, they were just needing a moment to be able to talk.

Michelle Moore 27:22

Let me ask you this. Do you feel like I'm a very compassionate person? Do you feel that that is a gifting from God? Because I know some people who have a very good relationship with God, but struggle when it comes to compassion.

Daniel Moore 27:39

I'm very compassionate.

Michelle Moore 27:40

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 27:41

It's a personality trait. And I do think that in a roundabout way it is a gift from God. I think everybody can be compassionate. That's why I don't really want to just jump on that bandwagon and say that this is a gift.

Michelle Moore 27:55

Right.

Daniel Moore 27:55

That some people are going to get and some aren't. Because I think anybody can be compassionate. I think a lot of it comes back to do they want to be compassionate? Yep. Do they want to recognize, do they want to be involved in the moment and be discernful enough in the moment to recognize when compassion really needs to be there instead of the other opposite of what that would be? And a lot of times I see, and you might I I don't know if you agree or not, but I think a lot of times I see that happen more in guys where they're they're not being compassionate. Women can have that trait too to not be compassionate. They just want to jump into solutions and whatever. But it seems like more often than not, because guys aren't as emotional in their makeup, that a lot of times it's more matter of fact to them. It's black or white. And so when that happens, it's very easy to take the compassion card out of it and we forget and we skip that part. And then we can hurt people's feelings, you know.

Michelle Moore 28:59

So how do you as a guy which you know that's something you've had to work on? Yep. And so how have you handled it being married to someone that's more compassionate that wants to help and do things, you know, for people because I, you know, I want to help and I want to be there through all of it with them. How how do you handle that, seeing me go through that?

Daniel Moore 29:26

So you're ready for it?

Michelle Moore 29:28

Probably not, but let's go for it.

Daniel Moore 29:30

It's lots of prayer. I I have to pray through that stuff because in my own nature, I can try to put myself in your shoes and try to be compassionate and empathetic with you. But honestly, if I'm not careful and I let my own feelings and my own opinions get in the way, then I can still damage what little compassion I might show to you. I may not show it to you correctly and still, you know, do it the right way. So, and some a lot of times it just takes God having to transform that in me. So I try to do it better because that's a that's something that, like I said, anybody can be compassionate, anybody can be empathetic if they really want to be. Sometimes though it takes God to help with that. Yeah. Because depending on just how hard-nosed you are on being black or white, it can be harder to show compassion or understand the emotional side of your spouse. It can be very difficult to understand any of that. So, really, the only way that you can understand that if you can't figure it out within your own brain, is you have to go back to prayer and say, God, show me. Show me what is going on here in the situation with my spouse. Reveal to me what they're going through so I can understand it better. Give me an understanding of what's taking place here and what do I do. You know, ask God to pour into that. God's really good at coming in clutch on those situations, if we'll allow him into it.

Michelle Moore 31:02

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 31:03

And that's what I've had to do because the transformation that I've made in our relationship, I don't take credit for that. It's been a lot of God because I've had to do a lot of soul searching ever since all the stuff happened with us. And you can probably say the same thing. You know you're not, you're where you are because of God. Absolutely. I mean, if you hadn't brought God into your life, we wouldn't even be doing this episode on safety spaces because we didn't have one.

Michelle Moore 31:31

There would not even be a podcast if it wasn't for God.

Daniel Moore 31:34

Right. And so we can both sit here and vouch for the fact that no matter how deep, dark places you've gotten yourself into at some part of your life, God can bring you back out of that if you will actually put it at his feet and say, God, here I am. I need fixed. And do what God does to fix that. Let him work through your life and change those things about you. Now, do I still have moments I'm not compassionate? Yes. I still sometimes come into situations where it's black or white for me, and I fail to have a compassionate bone in my body at that moment, but it's not near like what it used to be. Like you said, I you've told me multiple times that I do much better at that.

Michelle Moore 32:16

Oh, absolutely.

Daniel Moore 32:17

And I feel like I do as well, but I have to give God the glory for that.

Michelle Moore 32:20

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 32:21

Because that's not my personality. It really isn't.

Michelle Moore 32:24

So to the wives out there that your husband is not as compassionate as you, that's right there. They need to listen to that because he has done a complete 180 on that.

Daniel Moore 32:36

And some grace. Yes. As we talked about in the last point.

Michelle Moore 32:40

I just I wanted to ask you because I know that's something that we've walked through, and you know, because I am a very compassionate person.

Daniel Moore 32:48

Um Yes, you are.

Michelle Moore 32:50

You're uh I give too much sometimes.

Daniel Moore 32:54

It can be that, yes.

Michelle Moore 32:55

I have to be very, I have to set boundaries and I have to be very in tune to the the Holy Spirit and use discernment on when and when not to be so compassionate.

Daniel Moore 33:06

Yeah. Compassion can be a good thing or a bad thing. It's one of those things that you can probably offer it sometimes when you shouldn't, because the other person needs some direction.

Michelle Moore 33:16

Well, they need to get a guy.

Mercy And Compassion Over Quick Fixes

Daniel Moore 33:18

Yes, for sure. So we'll we'll get through the last one here as quickly as we can. Safety is abounding in love, is the fourth step to creating that safe space in your heart. God's affection for us is unwavering and full of enduring love. His devotion doesn't fade with time, it's constant and unshakable. In Hosea chapter 2, verses 19 through 20, he reminds us of his faithful love through the covenant that he makes with his people. That kind of everlasting devotion creates a deep sense of safety. Within a marriage when both partners are confident that their spouse is truly in it for the long haul, emotional walls can come down and vulnerability can flourish. The biblical idea of becoming one in marriage speaks to more than just physical intimacy. It points to the powerful bond formed when two people commit to walk through life as one united force. The promise a couple makes to each other guided by God glues them together in purpose and in spirit. This type of unity isn't automatic. It's the result of living fully connected, emotionally invested, and spiritually aligned for life. But lasting love takes more than just a vow spoken once on your wedding day. Malachi 215 in the message tells us God, not you, made marriage. His spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage, so guard the spirit of marriage within you. This verse emphasizes the commitment requires consistent care. It's not something you say once and forget about it while focusing solely on the exciting aspects of your relationship, like shared faith, communication, or quality time, which those are all important, but they're meaningless without a solid foundation of commitment. To us, commitment means intentionally choosing each other again and again with the goal of building a sustainable future together. There's three ways that we found helpful in protecting that commitment. The first one, commitment is a choice. It's something a couple must intentionally decide with clarity and finality. Interestingly, the root of the word decide means to cut off. That's what true commitment is, cutting off the other options that could threaten your marriage. We made the decision early on to remove the word divorce from our vocabulary. The idea doesn't even exist in our household. When quitting isn't on the table, it forces us to deal honestly with issues rather than hide them. Conflict, while uncomfortable, becomes an opportunity to build instead of break down. I want to stop right here for a second. I was listening to a podcast yesterday that goes right along with this, and it was really neat what that couple was talking about. When they were dating, they truly felt that God had them together uh from the beginning, first of all. But they made a commitment that even if they got to an argument or if they had a you know some kind of a conflict while they were dating, that they would never break up. And they said the reason that they made that commitment between each other is because if they were willing to break up with each other while they were dating, considering that they really felt like God put them together, then that would make it easier for them later to possibly look at divorce as an option.

Michelle Moore 36:59

Wow.

Daniel Moore 36:59

If they had a conflict come up in their marriage. And they said that because they done that, that now that they're married, when they have these conflicts and little things that come up, because every marriage has them, obviously, yeah, uh, but they never even think of anything like separating or moving away from each other or whatever it is, and they really attribute that to because of how they handled their dating relationship. That's good. And I'd never heard of that before. Because and honestly, sometimes you need to break up with people if they're not good for you and they're not truly, but if you've prayed over your spouse the whole time before you start dating, and you pray for God to bring you that right person, then I I truly believe sometimes God brings that person to you, you know, from the get-go, and you end up with your spouse and from that point forward. But I just thought when I was reading that, that reminded me of that, and how I thought that was very interesting when I heard what they did when they were dating. That is good. So the second here, commitment involves emotion. It's not only a conscious decision, but also something we feel. We believe that honoring your relationship includes holding it in high emotional regard. Hebrews 13, 4 says, honor your marriage and its vows. That means giving your marriage the level of respect and value that it deserves. For a long time we were good at recognizing each other's worth, but never stopped to recognize the greatness of the actual marriage we had itself. That realization shifted our perspective. So here's a list of things that we love about our marriage, not just about each other, but about the relationship that we've built together. Michelle, won't you share that list with us?

Michelle Moore 38:45

Yeah, we um pursuing God together, challenging me to be a better person, having fun and laughing together, pursuing shared dreams, raising our children together as a tag team, sex in a way that feels good to both of us, knowing someone deeply and being deeply known by another, serving together, living with my best friend, having a helpmate, someone to share life's responsibilities, being on a grand adventure together, being part of a team and feeling safe and secure.

Daniel Moore 39:26

It's so awesome just to be able to read that list and see that that's our marriage. You know, if you put marriage and put the description and of what the definition of marriage is, you know, for you and I, yeah, then that's the list that would come out of that. And we pray that all of you listening have that same uh outlook on your marriage.

Michelle Moore 39:49

And hopefully you can put those together, write them down and post them on the wall so that you can see them, see, see what makes your marriage and just you know, about the relationship together.

Daniel Moore 40:01

Well, that would be a good idea for people that might be out on a rocky slope right now that's having issues, maybe go back and write that list and and hang it up. That's your goal.

Michelle Moore 40:10

Yeah, because everybody's is gonna be different than ours.

Daniel Moore 40:14

Yeah, if you can set a goal in your marriage, and next week we're gonna talk about dreams in your marriage and goals and that kind of thing. I don't know about that.

Michelle Moore 40:24

Welling ground pool?

Daniel Moore 40:26

We'll see.

Michelle Moore 40:27

Maybe just a buff ground pool?

Daniel Moore 40:29

A kiddie pool.

Michelle Moore 40:30

I'll take a kiddie pool.

Daniel Moore 40:31

A mud puddle.

Michelle Moore 40:33

Not going there. I'm just kidding.

Growing Empathy Through Prayer And Presence

Daniel Moore 40:36

But yeah, it's something that I think might even help if if you're struggling in a in a marriage right now, maybe one of those reasons is you don't have goals. Yeah. Possibly. If that if you do recognize after going through this episode that that might be the issue, well, this would be a good list of goals to start with.

Michelle Moore 40:54

Hey, we never had any.

Daniel Moore 40:56

Add to it. Yeah.

Michelle Moore 40:57

For a long time.

Daniel Moore 40:58

Hang these up and every day look at it, but it's on your mirror or wherever it may be, and say, you know, that's what I'm striving for.

Michelle Moore 41:05

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 41:05

That's what I want my marriage to be, and then do what it takes to get there. Yeah. And try to, between both spouses, try to work that out. So as we go through that list there that Michelle just shared, what about you? Have you taken time to reflect on what makes your relationship meaningful and unique? When you begin to clearly see your relationship as a treasure, your level of commitment grows along with that the sense of value. Simply put, when something matters deeply to your heart, you're going to protect it and you're going to nurture it. The final piece of commitment isn't just about making a decision or having passionate feelings. It's about taking practical, intentional steps to strengthen your marriage each day. This is exactly what 1 John 3, verse 18 emphasizes. Love isn't just about talking, it's about showing up through your actions and living that love out with sincerity. One of the most powerful actions that you can take is to develop grit. Grit is the ability to stay determined and move forward toward long-term goals, even when faced with frustration, obstacles, or distractions. In the context of marriage, grit means doing everything in your power to remain loyal and committed, even when things get tough or uncertain. It's choosing to stay and fight for your relationship when giving up might seem easier. We've talked about this before in another episode. Marriage is work.

Michelle Moore 42:35

Yep.

Daniel Moore 42:36

It's not just something you slide into, and then from that day forward, everything just clicks and falls into place with no effort, no decisions, no conflict. You're going to have all of that stuff. Yeah. And you're going to have to work. There's going to be days that you're just going to, you know, you're just going to wanna, as Michelle would say, take a fork and just stab your spouse right in the heart.

Michelle Moore 42:57

And you're not going to ever let me down on that one. And it's I was totally joking, everybody. I am not like that.

Daniel Moore 43:06

But no. There are days though that we don't get along. And sometimes as spouses, but that's not a reason to just wrap it up and throw in the towel. You know, we can always work through things. And honestly, the longer it goes, as Michelle and I can vouch for our conflicts now, if they even happen, we work through them very quickly.

Michelle Moore 43:26

Yeah, we I was gonna say those days are way like they are our past. I mean, that doesn't mean necessarily, like you said, if we do have something that comes up, we work through them. But we've learned a lot of tools, and our source is God first now.

Daniel Moore 43:43

Right.

Michelle Moore 43:44

God is our source, and then you know, we do pray about things and we will get together and communicate.

Daniel Moore 43:51

Yep, and very, very important. Communication is a big deal, it really is. So, is there anything that you wanted to? add to this episode today, I'm I think that these are some very good steps to starting the process of creating that safety spot and it's so important that you have that. If Michelle and I didn't have a safe space, we couldn't communicate properly because one of us would be reluctant to step into that spot and open up and talk about things and try to solve the issue. And if one spouse has that problem, it's going to be very difficult to be able to work through things and problems that you may have in your relationship.

Michelle Moore 44:32

So on another note, I just want you all to know that it is Daniel that has a snoring issue. Our little chihuahua has been in our recording room this whole entire time and he is dead asleep and he is not snoring. So you do not hear him so we're just going to be honest and real. It's Daniel.

Daniel Moore 44:53

I th I think he's because he's hearing us talk about it he's he's feeling in an unsafe spot.

Michelle Moore 44:59

At least the dogs feel safe enough to come up here and and chill out and sleep.

Abounding Love: Commitment And Unity

Daniel Moore 45:04

Yeah, they're all laying over there asleep. Asleep well we thank you guys once again for sitting through another episode. As I said next week we're going to be talking about having goals in your marriage and how to keep that dream alive. And that actually going to wrap up this series on marriage reset. It's hard to believe but we finally reached the end of it. So it'll probably for sure be at least two more episodes to get through that one. But there's some awesome positive things that can be taken away from this next episode. It's a good way to wrap up this series here on marriage reset. So as we go to experience deep connection and closeness both people need to feel emotionally safe. Hearts only open when there's a sense of trust and security. That's why Peter challenges us to love one another deeply from the heart in 1 Peter chapter 1 verse 22. That kind of love blossoms in an environment built on grace, patience, understanding and a lasting commitment. With God's guidance aim to create a marriage that feels like the most secure and loving place on earth. So the takeaway from this episode over the last three weeks here roommates allow their love to grow cold soulmates keep their hearts open and create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth visit our website at marriagelife.com and check out our website there some links for our books that are available are there. You can also reach out to us with the contact form listen to the episodes whatever you'd like to do go check that out and you can also email us at Daniel at connectingthegap.net we'd love to hear from you make sure you subscribe if you're not subscribed to our podcast that makes sure that you don't miss any episodes whether if it's our marriage episodes or if you like our Bible study stuff that I do each week we're working our way verse by verse to the book of Isaiah in that one. So please subscribe and please share to other people that need to hear some of these episodes that it might help their marriage and then you can be a part of their marriage restoration when they fix everything and put their marriage back where it needs to be. Well that's all for this week and as we go we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode. This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries and we pray that you have a blessed week