How to Talk Without Tearing Down with Scottie and Vicky Albious - 303

Arguments that feel “won” can leave the relationship lost. We open with a hard look at how our mouths can build a marriage or burn trust, then get practical about turning honest conversations into opportunities for healing rather than harm. With Scottie and Vicky at the table, we trade real-life stories about pride, timing, and tone, and why Ephesians 4:29 is more than a verse on a mug—it’s a working blueprint for how to speak to each other’s needs.

We dig into the subtle ways we tear down without noticing: “always/never” absolutes, sarcasm that lands like contempt, and truth delivered without love. From there, we map out what better looks like—listening with intent instead of fixing on reflex, choosing the right moment for a hard word, and using unifying phrases like “Help me understand” and “I may be wrong, but I want us on the same team.” We talk security, respect, and money stress, how praise closes insecurity gaps for both husbands and wives, and why daily affirmation acts like compound interest for trust.

You’ll also pick up a simple four-question filter to run before speaking: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it loving? Is it helpful right now? Add in a few field-tested swaps—“I feel unheard” instead of “You don’t care,” “It helps me feel valued when we’re on time” instead of “You’re always late”—and you’ve got a toolkit you can use tonight. We close by naming the deeper work: healing roots of hurt, keeping conflicts private to protect intimacy, and extending grace when we miss it. Words can wound, but they can also heal. Let’s choose the ones that build.

If this conversation helped, share it with a couple who needs hope, and hit subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next. We’d love your review and your takeaways in the comments.

Transcript

Words Build Or Burn

Daniel Moore 0:07

Let me ask you something. Have you ever technically won an argument, but somehow still slept on the emotional couch? You proved your point, facts were airtight, logic undefeated, and yet the connection was completely gone. Or maybe you said something that was absolutely true, 100% accurate, but afterward you immediately wished you could grab those words mid-air like a bad text message and hit unsend. Well today we're talking about one of the most powerful tools in marriage. And no, it's not your finances, not your schedules, not even your love languages. It's your mouth. Because in marriage, words don't just communicate, they construct. They either build a home or slowly burn one to the ground. God isn't just concerned with whether we're right, He cares whether we're building. So this week, we're learning how to speak truth without wounding, how to handle conflict without harming connection, and how your everyday conversations can actually become one of the greatest spiritual influences in your marriage. And don't worry, we're not just preaching at you, we're standing in the same line with you. Welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies. We interview people that have a story. I'm Daniel Moore, your host. Thank you guys for joining us this week. Up here next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle. Hey, hey. Thank you guys for joining us. If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandmore.com for our platforms. Our YouTube and Rumble links are there. We're also on the Christian podcasting app Edifi. We're also on your Alexa and Google Smart Devices. You can also visit us on social, on Facebook, Instagram, and X at CTGAP Online. If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms, give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, and we'd be grateful to you for doing that. Well, this week we're going to be starting off something new. Last week we finished up our extended series on marriage reset. And uh as you can tell, my wife and I, we were still married, didn't get divorced going through that whole episode and that whole series. So I guess we learned I guess we learned something.

Michelle Moore 2:18

And it was such a great series, too. It was bad.

Launching A Marriage Ministry

Daniel Moore 2:21

It was a really good series. And you're hearing some extra chuckles in the background this week as well. We've got some guests sitting here around the table with us. Uh Scottie and Vicky Albius. Hello there, back again. They were here with us last year on a couple of episodes. And uh this time they're gonna be here for a few weeks. We're gonna talk about some marriage stuff. Oh, yeah. Believe it or not. So this week we're going to be getting into it with our subject on how to talk without tearing down. Well, welcome back to the episode for this week. As I said there in the intro, we have Scottie and Vicky Albus with us. Hello. And the last time you guys were here, uh some things have changed since then. Uh, you and I are leading marriage ministry at your church. And so as we get started this week, why don't you just give us a little bit of an update on what you guys are doing right now?

Scottie Albious 3:29

Yeah, so first of all, thank you for having us. Uh it's an honor to always be here with you guys. Um, but uh the Lord's put on our heart for for months now, uh maybe even longer, for for about a year, I would say almost, babe, right? Um uh to start marriage, just a marriage life group. And uh, you know, we're we're we're getting ready to launch 180 marriage. That's a uh extension off of our church, and uh we're pretty excited. And uh we know that it's something needed. Obviously, you guys do too. You know it's something there's so many resources that we can glean off from, but um, there's a lot of things that in marriages we know that there's struggles, you know, even ourselves. We're learning still today how to walk this thing called marriage and to do it God's way. And we wanted to kind of highlight and not only teach, but also learn from other marriages and and just to to hear what God's got and his plan for each of our marriages, he wants to bless us. Yeah. The thing is, what are we doing to to honor God's word in marriage?

Vicky Albious 4:24

Yeah, and it was so cool because you know, we've prayed about it for quite some time and just kind of the timing of it, we were just waiting on the Lord, and um, when it kind of came right up to it, it was like, All right, God, is this your timing? And so I just had went in my prayer closet and was praying, and God just spoke and was like, You just be my vessel and I'll I'll pour through you and lead through you. And and um, and then he just put a scripture in my mind, and I went to that and it was just all about marriage and stuff. So I was like, Oh, okay, I hear you, Lord, it's time. So we're excited to do it.

Scottie Albious 4:57

So we're excited. I think, you know, throughout all this, we definitely want God to be glorified, you know, in marriages, and we want to see other people um be blessed in marriage. And you know, you guys are awesome doing what you're doing, and we're excited for uh you guys, and just uh it encourages us for you guys who are doing marriage ministries as well, and encourages us because I remember at one point we all were going to marriage conferences, and it's so fun to see what you guys and the seasons you guys are going through. So we're excited to be doing the same and and see what God, you know, has in store.

Daniel Moore 5:25

Yeah, yeah, that's that's crazy looking back at where we all started at with all of this. Oh yeah. And I've always thought that you know, at one point in time all of us served together. Yeah. Uh we did we went to the same church and and actually led a li a life group together. Um, but now it's kind of cool after that's uh after the fact, you know, seasons change.

Scottie Albious 5:46

Yeah.

Hidden Struggles In Church Marriages

Daniel Moore 5:47

And here we are now we go to separate churches and you guys are you know doing that at your church and we're doing it at our church and uh just kind of splitting that off now and growing ministries in both directions because you know, we know that just because you go to church doesn't mean there's not marriage issues in the church. Right. That's right. And that there's not relationship problems. Uh, you know, it's it always crosses my mind sometimes that you know I might and sitting there in church, you have people sitting all around you and you never know uh when that that couple sitting next to you, you know, what's their marital state really like, they may be fighting the biggest battle in their life at that point, you know, trying to hang on by the thread. And but they don't speak up, they don't say anything, so you just don't know. Right. You know, there's just so many times that that people are.

Vicky Albious 6:32

So many times they think they're alone in it.

Daniel Moore 6:34

Yeah.

Vicky Albious 6:34

You know, they're like, I don't want people to think that you know this about us, but yet there's so many struggling people. You know, yes.

Daniel Moore 6:42

Yeah, and if it's not brought to the light, you can't really fix it. Right. You know, it's it's it's one of those things that you gotta be intentional on. And so this time around, uh, the last time you guys were here, it was really more about your testimonies. Uh, because you guys are you have a phenomenal testimony being a blended family, uh being multicultural, just a lot of different dynamics that that go that were going on there. And uh had some great response to those episodes. Everybody really loved those. And I think that uh people are hungry for things like this. Right. Uh like we was talking earlier, they think they're by themselves. Yeah. Uh when they hear other people's stories that relate to theirs, you know, it just kind of brings that whole thing uh full circle for them. So starting off here, I'm gonna throw a couple questions at you guys. Uh the first one here is have you guys ever won an argument but lost the connection?

Scottie Albious 7:34

Pass, can we go to the next question?

Vicky Albious 7:38

That's funny. No, I think of a time, I think it was in our first year of marriage or so, and um I'd gotten really upset about something, can't remember even what it was, but um I was like, I just gotta like go take a drive or something. And I was so irritated, he knew we'd kind of like rum-rurr back and forth. And and so I go to walk out the door, and he basically is like, Hey, can you grab me a Coke on the way back? I was like, I'm gonna bring you a casket, is all I'm gonna do. Like, oh my gosh.

Testimonies To Tools: Shifting Focus

Scottie Albious 8:08

This is very young into our marriage, keeping the way that wasn't last week or anything. That's hilarious. Uh yeah, I I I remember because you know, uh, you're talking about fighting, and and and uh I I remember thinking, uh, we'll just talk about later. And she comes in, she turns on the light, and she's super angry and she wants to talk about now. And you know, of course, I don't want to talk about it now, and that's when she was leaving.

Vicky Albious 8:31

It's more of a thing of like, what are you talking about? Like, get out of that bed and talk to me right now.

Daniel Moore 8:38

Yeah, yeah. It it's funny how the communication, you you think that you can, especially with your spouse, you know, when you date, yeah, it seems like you can talk about anything almost to a point. Yeah. And so you all you automatically think, Well, we get married, this is just gonna get even better, you know, this is gonna be awesome. I can't wait. Right. And then you get married and it's like the shutters come on. It's like now we're afraid to say anything because we're gonna get smacked up the frying pan or what's going on here, you know. And uh it's just kind of interesting how that happens. But honestly, believe it or not, you know, it's like a lot of times when you dig into people's issues when with their marriages, uh, a lot of it's communication. Yeah, it really is. If I mean, if they didn't have all the communication issues, yeah, they would probably have a pretty flourishing marriage. Right, right, right. And it's just all those unknowns, you know, it's like a lot of things just aren't spoken sometimes.

Michelle Moore 9:29

I want to make a comment. Um, Vicky was, you know, how you always tease me about being uh mean. Did you hear what she said? Coughing.

Daniel Moore 9:38

She said, I guess I'll take getting punched in the face or report to my heart over a little bit.

Scottie Albious 9:44

I still don't understand what that meant. I'm trying to figure this out. It's a daily progress though.

Michelle Moore 9:50

I have to laugh in my head because I'm just like, yes, Vicky, go.

Daniel Moore 9:55

If she starts looking for property, you probably better be careful.

Scottie Albious 10:01

That's where all those murder mysteries later night got around this line.

Daniel Moore 10:03

Yeah, she's out trying to buy a plot.

Michelle Moore 10:05

It teases me all the time. I'm so aggressive and mean, and I'm like, I am not. I'm just saying those things. So when you said that, I was like, I gotta take this time to say that.

Daniel Moore 10:14

Yeah. That's awesome. Um you're not supposed to feed the fuel to her fire here, Vicky.

Vicky Albious 10:20

Somehow her husbands just push us to it. I know, I know. Where do these thoughts come from?

Daniel Moore 10:26

That's hilarious. Yeah, the second question here, and this one rings true probably for a lot of people. Have you ever said something that was true, but it was still destructive? I think we've probably all done that.

Scottie Albious 10:40

Next question. Yeah, exactly.

Vicky Albious 10:42

He's gonna do this through the whole thing.

Winning Arguments, Losing Connection

Scottie Albious 10:45

No, I I I think, you know, uh coming from you know, I was I was thinking about when it comes to communication, there's there's, you know, you're neither analytical or emotional. And I think because I I lack some of the emotional side, I'll just say it, you know, without thinking of repercussions. There's times where I'll just say something, not willingly trying to hurt or cut, and then just by her reaction, I'm like, uh that was not a good thing. Yeah. And and and there's times where, you know, I've got to realize, okay, so I've got to come at a in a soft way to in a loving manner, you know, um, and just uh try try to understand you know why we're we're having this, you know, discussion. Or I I was I was talking about and and reading something, it's causing it's talking about like when it comes to communication, and I I I lack a lot of things, I have to, as a man, is what we call define the division. So we can't we can't fix something that we don't know what's broke. So I have to kind of define, and it got to me where it's like, it's my pride. I don't like to lose. Uh even if it's in a it if it's an argument, I've gotta squash that. Um I'm one of the worst, and I'll catch myself. It takes me a while, a lot longer than you know, her.

Daniel Moore 12:01

Yeah.

Scottie Albious 12:02

And you know, and some time with the Lord and and and stuff, but I've I've there's a way to fight fair and uh there's a way to answer fairly without cutting because I'm hurt. Yeah, yeah.

Daniel Moore 12:13

Exactly. Yeah, it's it's one of those things, you know, that you have to speak truth and love because there are times that that things happen and we have to approach those issues and discuss them. Right. And sometimes that truth does hurt. Right, right. Unfortunately. If we're gonna be honest with each other. Absolutely. I mean, uh and I think sometimes that's where the communication conflicts come in because we want to beat around the bush and not, you know, make it worse necessarily. But if you have good communication skills and you actually, you know, learn how to navigate through this stuff, you can actually get through it uh without damaging. You know, it's just you have to learn your spouse and understand, you know, how to communicate through that. And so when we're looking at words, you know, there's a reason that words matter in marriage. And of course the the key scripture here is Ephesians 429. And you want to read that, Michelle?

Michelle Moore 13:10

Yeah, do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Daniel Moore 13:21

And you know, there's a lot of truth in that scripture. And as we look at the biblical foundation about words, uh they're they're very important. I mean, we look at it, God created with words is the the first thing that we can look at. You know, God's spoken word doesn't merely describe reality, it formed reality. And this shows us that words are never neutral. They shape environments, they direct outcomes, they release either life or destruction. That's right, basically. Jesus was also called the word. And the word is not just something God speaks, but it's actually someone that God is. He's eternal, he's personal, he's active in creation. So this means that words are meant to reveal, not obscure, to bring light, not confusion, to communicate life and not emptiness. And you know, and I when you look at it that way, have you guys ever looked at it as you know, really looking at that scripture and understanding that what we speak is actually who God really is?

Scottie Albious 14:19

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 14:20

I mean, I think if we look at that, that that would really uh make us think about what we say. You know, and the con the conversation that we have that it reminds me of that song I speak Jesus. That that comes to mind for some reason when I think of that. Yeah. Because I guess in essence, if if Jesus is the word and he's created with words, uh then that's what we should be speaking. Yeah. Um in essence, uh our words also reflect our hearts. Yeah. And out of the the heart the mouth speaketh. Matthew 12. That's a very tough scripture to swallow.

Ephesians 4:29 And The Power Of Words

Scottie Albious 14:53

So you're you're you're talking about that. I don't mean to interrupt that quick, but I I was sitting there and you know, I I always ask myself, like, why am I, you know, coming back harsh because I'm hurt, you know. But what you're saying, out of the the heart, it was in Matthew 12, 34, out of the heart the uh the mouth speaks, so comes out of the mouth. Well, if if the heart is hurt, that's where all those hurtful words are gonna come from. So it has to get to the root. I have to heal this. Yes. I have to figure out what's going on in here, why am I hurt, and why am I projecting that hurt on someone that's trying to because marriage, what does marriage do? It exposes the heart between husband and wife. Yeah. And if I don't want to expose because of vulnerability, fear, anger, whatever it is, there's an issue, there's a root somewhere that I need to ask the Lord to help me with. And maybe even some for some of us men, we don't realize it, but to help him help us expose those areas in our heart that we need to to heal.

Daniel Moore 15:46

Yeah, yeah. And that's a good point because a lot of the issues that we do have, that everything has a root. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that comes from somewhere. Yeah. And a lot of times if we want to blame that on the the now. Yes. This this moment right that we're in right now, this this is causing this anger, this is causing these bad words to be flowing out and this argument that's being created at this point. But probably nine times out of ten, if you look into that, yeah, it probably really started right months ago. Yeah. Yeah. Years ago. You know? And so then people get mad because they can't just fix it right now. It's like, well, we're just let's just sit here and fix it. Let's just talk through this and get it over with and get it done. Yeah. Well, and this has been going on for years and all this damage is there and this trauma that's going on in your life, how do you expect to fix that in that moment? I mean, you're gonna have to go back and start where it all began and start working on that from the beginning of when that stuff happened because there's a lot of repair that's gotta take place there.

Michelle Moore 16:43

I'm gonna read the scripture though before we go. It's in actually in Ephesians. And I think about, you know, when it says do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. One of the things that I've had to practice is the scripture says be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. And I really think a lot of times in marriages, your marriage is united under Christ to begin with. You're one.

Scottie Albious 17:08

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 17:09

So when you're discussing something with your spouse or having that argument, you have to step back and think God is, you know, He is good to me. Sorry, I keep playing with my Bible and I'm keeping making noises. See, squirrel, I told you, Scottie, I'm gonna be bad. But you have to forgive another, one another as God has forgiven us. And you really think about it, you can't you're not supposed to walk away and be angry because God's not angry with us for a whole year. Those things that you know, I just I go to that scripture a lot and Dan will tell you I have more compassion and I just kind of blow things off. But I have had to practice that scripture so much. Yeah, and because when he says crazy mean things to me all the time, I have to just blow it off and go, except for when we're recording podcasts and I say I'm gonna punch you in the face.

Daniel Moore 17:56

I have to practice we got it out. I gotta practice my anger somewhere. Somewhere practice makes perfect, right?

Michelle Moore 18:02

Yeah. But you know, you think about it, being kind to each other, you know, forgiving one another, yeah, you know. But you know, when there is a root problem, which as you guys both said, there it comes from somewhere. It does not happen at that moment. If your spouse has a root problem and you know it, the Holy Spirit will guide and lead you. You have to be patient and you have to be kind and you have to forgive them because you know you're not fighting your spouse.

Daniel Moore 18:30

Yeah, right.

Michelle Moore 18:31

They are going to be fighting something else that they've had a root problem, and you need they need to be praying that God opens their heart, even though they think it's the other person. Yeah, you have to go to fight and to war for them, for that to be open. So be kind and forgiving if you know and Satan's in the middle of that, also.

Roots Of Hurt And Heart Work

Daniel Moore 18:49

Usually he's right there stirring the pot. And so it becomes a spiritual battle, yeah, really, or spiritual warfare type of thing. Yeah. Uh the next one here is marriage specific. Uh, your spouse hears your words more than anyone else. What what do you guys think about that one? And also that kind of carries into the next one. Spousal words carry extra weight. Uh what can you guys share with how you what you what do you feel about those two statements?

Vicky Albious 19:18

Well, I was thinking about even when Michelle was talking about that, and um there's been many times that, you know, I will say something very straight to him when I'm upset about, you know, and I'll be like, because of this or that or da-da-da. And he'll act like almost like he's just hitting this brick wall. And then he'll come back to me later, you know, after he's like thought and prayed on it, and he'll be like, When you said this, I realized this, you know. When I was thinking, oh, he's just not even listening, you know.

Scottie Albious 19:48

But like you realize I think from our perspective too, you know, there's a way you've got to fight fair, but at the same time, you've got to know how to receive fair. Bible says be quick to listen.

Vicky Albious 19:58

Yeah, yeah.

Scottie Albious 19:58

People listen different.

Vicky Albious 20:00

It's true.

Scottie Albious 20:00

I've had to tell myself, don't listen by instead of receiving, don't listen. I used to receive by like lashing back. Yeah. And if we're gonna fight, we're going. Let's go. You know, we're back and forth. I'm trying to be more calm and just to receive and compute. And so back to what we were saying in Matthew 12, 34. And the reason I know that's because I tell myself all the time, how am I receiving? How am I speaking? What is what's coming out of my my my heart? Because that's what she's seeing. Yeah.

Vicky Albious 20:29

That's good.

Daniel Moore 20:30

Yeah, and we always have to remember that you know, being in a marriage, it's it's a win-win. Uh neither spouse can ever lose because you're on a team. And so whenever it's a team sport, uh, you know, you look at it at sports, for instance, if whatever team you're on wins, the whole team wins or the whole team loses. Right. It's it's not a not a split decision there, you know, whenever you have that going on, and marriage is not any different.

Scottie Albious 20:57

And I think to me, to answer your question, because you're asking, you know, your spouse hears, you know, your words more than and you're putting the sports perspective, I like that. If you think about sports and football, when you get in a huddle, who hears the plays? Yeah. The players in the huddle. Right. With my wife in marriage, we're supposed to be intimate, which means we're supposed to know each other. She knows deep inside more than you know anyone else inside my heart. And and there's times where I have to communicate that play, like if we're in a huddle together in marriage, that's what it is. We have to go back and forth and communicate. I just have to get over hard-headedness, stubbornness, fear, all those things, and actually communicate back so that way we can get to play, you know, across and and move forward. Right.

Michelle Moore 21:39

Do you feel like that has been you you're doing much better with that than where you have her?

Kindness, Forgiveness, And Spiritual Warfare

Scottie Albious 21:46

Oh, yeah. I have to paint these things in my head, like, okay, how are you gonna respond? Because there's times where we'll be we've done this in the past before, where I try to process different where she's she's she's angry and she's saying this and saying that, and I'm like, Okay, time out. So you're mad because I responded this way, but now you're saying this. But because I need to respond or say this, like I'm trying to break it down in my mind of like, why are you angry? Why are we, you know, mad? And instead of responding like, well, you don't do this, I'm not, you know, now it's more like, okay, try to break this down, listen, and then communicate later. That's why usually when we uh I've always believed in repent in the Lord and then repent to your spouse. Yeah, it's good. And say, I'm sorry. I see where you're coming from. Um and what I'm practicing now is I feel like and then fill in the blank. Right. But instead of just responding in anger, I try to respond like the Bible says, in love, and I have to tell myself, okay, I know it sounds weird, but I have to tell myself, okay, do this, do this. Now here's the next step. Now you're you know, think about what she said, here's why. Usually the responses, their responses how to what you say is how you're dictating that that fight, if you will. If it's in anger and she's crying, well, you didn't pass. Yeah. You know, yeah. If it's more like, okay, we're coming and you know, we're we're understanding, we're you know, we're still heated, but there's you know, we're still communicating too. So I'm I'm just trying to figure out what she's trying to tell me through her heart, you know. Yeah.

Michelle Moore 23:11

Do you feel like though? I'm sorry, Vicky. No, you're um, do you feel like though when you're in that and you redo that? I feel like this. Do sometimes do you go back and say, Okay, Vicky, this is what you said, this is what I'm getting out of it to make sure.

Scottie Albious 23:28

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Michelle Moore 23:29

It's good. Okay.

Scottie Albious 23:30

And I say it because I read I read women language way off.

Michelle Moore 23:33

That the reason why I'm asking these is because I want other listeners. I can speak man.

Scottie Albious 23:38

Yeah, I can speak man, but I can't speak woman. And I'm still I'm learning. And the reason I say this, and I'll I'll use this before, but like I remember there's one time where um the we weren't uh well let's just say the bills weren't being needed, you know, paid. And we it was hard for us. We were struggling, you know, early into our marriage, and I was working a job that, you know, I I I should have been paid more, and and things. And I remember her coming to me, and we were getting to the point where she's like, babe, I this is not, we're not we can't we're not making this bill. We're not making this. And so that's what she's saying. But what Scottie was hearing was you're not good enough at work. You're not doing good, you're not making up, you're not supporting, you're not being the man you should. So what I would always do is I would come back and be like, okay, then fine. Let me go rob a bank, let me go rob a gas station real quick, and then we'll pay the bill. Is that what you want? And then I remember thinking, she's hurt, and she it's not like she's trying to hurt you. She just needs women need security. Yep.

Michelle Moore 24:33

So good.

Scottie Albious 24:33

If we don't get that security, if we don't give that security to them, how are we gonna get men need respect? How are we gonna get that respect? I need to secure her and be like, okay, babe, this is what we're gonna do. But what what what I realized is she's like, I'm not trying to fight you. I'm trying to figure out how to work, we can both work together. And I'm like, it just almost like clicked. It was like, oh, you weren't saying I'm not a man. You were you know, it's a pride thing, right? You weren't you weren't saying I'm not a man. We're supposed to work together as a team, we're supposed to because men, we're fixers, we're gonna fix it now, we're gonna do it, you know, and we're gonna fix it our way because it'll get fixed because now you're throwing a fit, I'm gonna fix it, you know. But no, it's a team. I had to realize, Scottie, it's not you, it's you and her. Figure out how to work this out together, figure out if she needs to work extra, if I need to work extra, how is this gonna get taken care of? How are we gonna meet these ends or you know, meet the needs over here?

Michelle Moore 25:20

So yeah, thank you guys for just being on here and just being honest and sharing all this. I'm so excited. I'm just like sitting here going, I was tired, but now I'm like, ooh, this is getting good.

Spousal Words Carry Extra Weight

Daniel Moore 25:32

Yeah, well, it kind of comes back to you know, one thing that you had mentioned there uh was our words affect our spouses. And, you know, praise from a spouse heals insecurities in in spouses. And insecure when you think of insecurity, you know, a lot of times culturally speaking, uh it seems like the woman is always one that everybody pinpoints is insecure in the relationship. But men can be insecure also. Yeah. I mean it goes both ways. And if one spouse is chitter-chattering at another one back and forth, then you can make each other feel insecure depending on how you're communicating. And so so praise when you praise a spouse, it'll heal those insecurities, it'll close that gap up and and make them feel they're important in this relationship. I'm a special person in this relationship.

Michelle Moore 26:24

I didn't let Vicky finish hers. I cut I cut I when he was asking those questions. Would you want to bring those questions back up to Vicky so she can because I kind of cut her off because I was so excited. I was like, yes, we're getting into some real meat here.

Daniel Moore 26:37

Yeah, but we've got to remember if we criticize, uh, especially spouse-wise, if a spouse criticizes another spouse, then uh that reinforces those insecurities even more deeply than if they were spoken from anybody else. Right, right. And I think that's why it's so important that we remember that you might talk to your coworker, you might talk to your friend or your family member, you might talk to them a certain way and get by with it. But if you talk that way to your spouse, you're gonna cut deep, deeper than you could ever imagine. Yeah. And because that's the person closest to you. That's your closest neighbor. Right. You know, in the Bible, you know, got Jesus tells us to love our neighbors ourselves. Well, our closest neighbor is our spouse. Yes. And so we have to make sure that we always remember that and keep that in mind uh when we're communicating. Well, the Bible says we come together as one. Right. You know, so she's part of it. Sorry. Yeah, exactly. Uh did you have anything?

Vicky Albious 27:31

Well, I know I was just thinking about when we were talking about the communication and you know, and how Scottie's talking about how he had to learn to change it. And it's it's crazy to look back of our first years of marriage and you know, talking about what he was of like him hearing it that way or this way, you know. And uh it's it's cool to see now, because used to it was I'd flip the light on and you know, get up and talk to me, you know. And as time has gone on and we've kind of learned each other more, like I don't do that anymore. It's more of a thing of like, I need time to kind of chill it and you know, so I can calm my words. Um, but two, I'm one when I'm upset, my voice raises, you know. Yeah, it's the leader in the big boy. Forever.

Scottie Albious 28:16

And if you got two people that raise their voice, it does not work. It does not help.

Vicky Albious 28:19

Forever he was like, he's like, don't no one's gonna yell at me or blah blah blah. And I'm like, I'm not yelling at my voice is just raised because I'm upset, you know.

Scottie Albious 28:27

And so it's like we've had to learn those things throughout these years of marriage, and it but it's cool to look back and well to like I said, as a man, we've got to understand that when we're receiving, I'm I have to tell myself, she's not trying to hurt me. She's hurt. Yeah, you need to help heal that. Yeah, you know what I mean? Because I would always, she's trying to make me mad, she's trying to push my buttons, okay, let's go. But I'm like, no, she's hurt. We need to figure this out. You know, put my put Scottie's pride to the side and and listen to her. Yeah. Yeah.

Team Mindset And The Huddle Analogy

Daniel Moore 28:55

What's spoken in private shapes trust, safety, and intimacy. And we've always got to remember that those are three very important things in our relationship. They can break make or break that that love that we have for each other. There's some common ways that we can tear down without realizing it. It's real easy to get in on that boat. And the first one, we talked about it a little bit earlier, is speaking truth without love. That's a very common way that that can happen. Uh what we have to remember is whenever we speak harshly to our spouse, um, that signals superiority, impatience, or contempt, which then shifts that from being a problem-solving conversation to a self-protection conversation. Because as soon as we go on the attack, as soon as we start doing that, you did this and you did that, um, I'm only this way because of you, yesterday, you, it's like, you know, you're always pointing fingers. And whenever that happens, then automatically that spouse is gonna start getting into protection mode. They're gonna shut down, they're not gonna want to talk because they're gonna they're going into that flight mode. And so you're not gonna get anywhere with the conversation uh taking it that direction. Now we always look at, well, we're Christians, so we'll just pull some scriptures out and we'll just speak some scriptures to each other, and that should that should solve the whole problem.

Michelle Moore 30:26

I don't ever remember us doing that.

Daniel Moore 30:28

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 30:29

I don't know. Have you guys ever done that in the fight?

Scottie Albious 30:31

Uh fight with scripture. Well, here's what the Bible says. No.

Daniel Moore 30:36

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 30:37

Definitely haven't done that one yet.

Daniel Moore 30:39

Yeah, but sometimes, you know, it's like if if it can happen where people will pull the scripture card out and they'll start preaching at their spouse. And that's that's not a good idea at that at that moment. Truth should heal, not humiliate. So we think about these three things about speaking truth without love, uh, scripture without compassion, uh, truth healing, and shouldn't humiliate us. Is there anything that you guys add to that?

Scottie Albious 31:10

Well, the Bible says, you know, men, husbands, we're supposed to shower our wives in praise. Yeah. And I'm gonna be honest, if you're in the middle of a heated discussion, the last thing you want to do is shower in praise. Yeah. Because you want to to get whatever, you know, it's on your mind, you want to get it out. Um, but I I truly, you know, I think you you know to to learn there's there's a lot of things in fighting. I've had to like sit back and be like, okay, kind of analyze things, but I've also had to realize I need to analyze my wife even more.

Daniel Moore 31:38

Yeah.

Scottie Albious 31:39

One of the things I realized is she does not like humiliation. So I'm not gonna humiliate her, especially to her face. Instead, I'm gonna try and I try my hardest to not to joke around, because I love to joke around. I try to be serious because that's where she wants to be serious, okay. We'll be serious, but in a loving tone. Right. Um I think coming back, you know, at her with truth of like I've learned by and there I'm sure there's some things I haven't even realized that I've said in truth, or you know, that's not meant to hurt her, but to hurt, you know, it hurt her. And then we've, you know, we've had conversations about things like that. But I've always told myself, okay, tr don't humiliate her, or you know, do your best to put your what you want to say aside and just uh try to understand her heart if that makes sense.

Vicky Albious 32:21

And some of our earlier communication it was he'd pull off the jokes and I'd be like, Oh man, this is not the time or the place. No, you need to rein that in. Yeah. And it just it would just irritate me more, you know, and cause more friction. And so I'm like, there's a time and place, and this is not it.

Security, Respect, And Money Stress

Scottie Albious 32:38

Yeah. And it it goes so well with, you know, your title, you know, you're you're neither building or burning down. Right. Same thing in your marriage. You've got to tell yourself, you're neither gonna build this or we're gonna burn this down, and it's not gonna end the way you want it to. You know, put your pride aside, especially men. You know, we need to put our pride aside. They're hurt, they need security. We need to figure this out. I think us men, not only do we need to build, we need to analyze, we need to figure out okay, what what's the issue? We need to get to this because you know, they need that security.

Daniel Moore 33:06

Yeah, exactly. And so, you know, whenever it comes to these conflicts that we have within our marriages, I think, you know, the big takeaway from that is we have to make sure that we're wanting a positive outcome. Yeah. Regardless of of what it takes to get to that, um, that's that's where we want to be. And it may not be a situation where we both feel like we really got what we wanted, right? But we need to get to that point where we're at least satisfied with we can okay, we can go ahead and move on from this now. Uh, we're gonna just agree to disagree and leave it at this point. We're okay with it the way that it is, and we'll move on instead of keep digging that dagger and you know, keep making that even worse. Uh, you know, when it comes to truth and a relationship, uh, when we're speaking that truth, that's meant to restore uh the the problem that's going on right now that's caused the damage. We're trying to restore that back to to being whole again. And if we don't use truth, then we become a denominator. We do we we dominate the other spouse at that point if we're not careful. And that creates so many issues. Yes. Because we come into this marriage on an equal level plane.

Scottie Albious 34:19

Yeah, right.

Daniel Moore 34:20

You know, it's not somebody has been elevated or the wife elevated, you know, for the other spouse. We're on equal, equal grounds here. Yes. And we've got to remember that. And as a team, as we were speaking earlier, we have to learn how to, you know, go through these issues and these conflicts together as a team, pulling your own weight, and we're gonna get to the the resolution of this, and it's gonna be a good outcome. Yeah, and we're gonna grow from it. Every time we have a conflict, we need to look at that as a growing season in our life. That's those printing those those vines.

Scottie Albious 34:53

And I think in the midst of those conflicts, like you were just saying, that's why I always tell myself, define the division. Yeah. What what is the problem? What what why am I I need to define what I need to, you know, to fix. How am I gonna fix something that I don't know what's wrong? Right. Define what's what's what's causing the pain, what's causing the anger. And normally you don't want to hear the answer and you're thinking, oh, it's me. Oh what I said. It's how I acted. It's it's it's how I I carried myself or it's how I responded or how I didn't respond. Yeah.

Daniel Moore 35:22

And we've got to be willing to accept the answer if we ask for the question. If if we truly want to know what the problem is, if that problem is us, we need to make sure that we're prepared to accept that. Right. And then we need to come to a point at that at that moment, okay. So I I need to now figure out we need to figure out how I need to fix this and you know, take care of this in the in a good manner in the way that it should be.

Michelle Moore 35:48

So can I make a comment?

Daniel Moore 35:49

Sure.

Praise Heals; Criticism Deepens Insecurity

Michelle Moore 35:50

So in our marriage 911, um, when we are doing the couples, they ask for us to read Proverbs. Each each day is a chapter. Yeah. So I've gotten to know Proverbs a lot. And it's actually one of my I've been go I go to it quite often. And um this scripture is um 1528, and it says, the heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking. The mouth of the wicked overflows the evil words. And so down here in my notes, it says, How many times have you spoken like the wicked and then regretted what you said? Sometimes it seems as if harsh words crouch at the end of our tongues, just waiting to slip out the moment we let down our guard. To keep those words from escaping our lips, we must strive to bring our hearts and tongues under the control of the Holy Spirit. With this help, we can gain the discipline to think before we speak.

Daniel Moore 36:48

That's good. Yeah.

Michelle Moore 36:52

So and there's a reason why we read Proverbs.

Scottie Albious 36:56

Yeah, that's good.

Michelle Moore 36:56

I mean, I have so many scriptures underlined and I'll write notes on it and stuff like that. But I'm like, you know, if you really get into Proverbs, it changes everything.

Scottie Albious 37:07

Well, I was gonna say, text that to me. That's that's good.

Michelle Moore 37:10

Oh, I have many, and like uh yeah, I think that's another one too.

Scottie Albious 37:13

I will definitely declare over your marriage while you're in the middle of a conflict and just read it because here you know you you always have their th fight with scripture, you know, and just just read it while you're you're talking. Um that's really good. I like that. Yeah.

Daniel Moore 37:27

So we're gonna switch gears here and we're gonna go to how we communicate. Uh so one thing that a lot of couples like to do is they like to get in their little fight and their arguments, and they like to point the finger and say, You always do this to me. You never do this for me. And that's very common. I've done I've used that before myself. It didn't get me very far. Same, same. Yeah. But I've I've talked like that myself, and and you guys out there listening may be thinking, well, what's wrong with that? You know, that's true. She never does this or always does that, you know, or vice versa. But the problem is, is those are absolutes. And there's nowhere on this planet that somebody has always done something and never done it any differently. That's just a lie. And there's nowhere that somebody's never done something. Right. Uh, I'm sure by the time we live 60, 70 years, we've probably at least done everything at least once for the most part. Um, but so basically, whenever we're talking like that, we're actually speaking in on truth in the middle of our conversation. And then our tone, uh, the way that we speak, rolling the eyes, the the sarcasm, uh, the volume. And like Vicky, I'm an I'm an escalator. So, Michelle, I that's something I've had to overcome. I've talked about that on our podcast before. I like to his leg. I like to talk over the person that I'm arguing with so that they get my point, you know.

Michelle Moore 38:57

Or he's just trying to tell a story, and you can tell he's really in it, and you can tell he's fucking around. She says my face is getting red, and my I'm like, I can see that vein starting to be like, veins popping out on my forehead.

Daniel Moore 39:08

I'm like, you're calling me a monster. What's going on with that?

Michelle Moore 39:10

I'm just like, bring the tone down. It's okay.

Daniel Moore 39:15

So whenever we look at this in the communication with you know, speaking these absolutes and the tones and all that kind of thing, uh, what what does that bring to you guys' minds when you think about communication with that stuff included in it?

Harsh Truth, Scripture Cards, And Humility

Vicky Albious 39:31

I'm pretty bad about saying because like something every time we, you know, have these little irritating things that happen. And um he it's funny because he'll know that I'm like upset about something he can tell, you know, and he'll have said sorry quickly or whatever, and I'm still like frustrated over it because of something else I'm feeling from it. And he can tell, you know, and this probably happened a couple weeks ago because like something happened and he said sorry, but like there was just more to it. And so a day, like a day or so later, I was like, You've done this for years. Like you never, there's the word never, you never come and say to me, I can tell something else's like what's up. Like, talk to me about this, you know. I'm like, you always just go on like nothing is wrong. And and so we had a nice little sit-down talk about it and all of that, and then it just kind of goes on, you know, like we we talked it out and everything. But like, I'm just like, you never, you never come to me and ask me this or blah, blah, blah. This has gone on for years, you know.

Aim For Positive Outcomes, Not Domination

Daniel Moore 40:50

Well, it it doesn't leave any room for exceptions or growth or any of that kind of thing. When you when you talk like that to a spouse, really it just automatically shuts the conversation down because they have no if that was really true, there's no argument, you know. And but it automatically puts that other spouse on the defensive. Sure. As soon as that's said, you know. And but it's so easy to say that because in the heat of the moment, it's like that's just like we're trained. That's that that's the sentence that's gonna come out of our mouth, you know. And it's hard to break that habit. It is, it's very hard to break it. Uh, but it is something that if you're going to clean up your communication and you're going to have that relationship that you can resolve conflicts in a healthy manner and be able to actually grow in your marriage and love your spouse more and more every day, there's there's certain things that we have to train ourselves that we need to stay away from whenever we we talk. And the eye rolling, the sarcasm, the criticism, uh a lot of that stuff happens in a lot of conversations. Um, it's and people they'll even deny, like if you you tell them you try to call them out on a critical spirit. I don't have that. You know, it's like, you know, they don't even want to accept the fact that they have it. And more often than not, it takes a third party to call that person out before they'll really believe it. They'll never believe it if their spouse tells them because they're just criticizing them for that. You know, it's like you can't win for losing in that type of a conversation with your spouse. Uh, but that's something that we have to be really careful of because uh there is a difference between criticizing and complaining. And so we have to make sure that we keep that, we can complain about certain things, uh, speaking that truth in love. There is some room for that because we do have issues sometimes with the spouses, we need to take care of them. We're not perfect, right? So we have bad days, you know, there's there's stuff that happens, and our spouses see that we do have to have that door that we can come through sometimes to address that and do it in a healthy manner so we're not ripping each other's heads off, you know. And otherwise it never gets fixed. Yeah. And so, so yeah, that's something that we definitely uh need to be careful of when it comes to uh talking about this communication issue. Now, what about venting instead of communicating or releasing frustration rather than seeking understanding? Uh what what do you guys have that you can add to on that one?

Scottie Albious 43:33

No, she I know so women that well she likes to get things out if she's frustrated. And and I've I've I've noticed that, you know, venting. I think as a man, we got to realize just because she's venting doesn't mean we have to fix that right now.

Michelle Moore 43:50

That is so 100% right.

Scottie Albious 43:52

We have to sit there and listen. It's taken me years. I'm still learning. Yeah, but there's times where she comes, this is what's going on. Well, okay, let's go fix it right now, let's go knock them in the Let's go figure, you know.

Vicky Albious 44:01

He won't even just stop and listen. And so I don't know, probably in the last couple months, just with something going on, and I'm I'm like venting this down. He's like, Well, then you tell them but I'm like, I need you to stop and just let me vent.

Scottie Albious 44:12

Okay, then don't tell him. I'll go tell them. Let me fix this, you know. So we don't have to have this. But I've got to realize shut up and listen. Let me vent. Part of that security, she needs that that that godly blanket, the godly covering, if you will. She needs someone to talk to. And I have to shut my mouth and then say, okay, babe, what what do you want to talk about? Is this why it's bothering you? And don't try to fix it. Just listen. Yeah.

Michelle Moore 44:34

And it's so hard to do that. It is. I mean, in all reality, I mean, Dan's kind of vented on me here lately about some stuff. And and I'm like, I don't understand why you just don't say something. Yes. I'm like, you just need to tell him this or do this. And he's just like, I can't do that. And I'm like, I don't know why not. I'm like, I would. And he's like, yeah.

Scottie Albious 44:54

And you probably feel the same way I do, because I'm like, then cut it off. Let's do this. And she looks at me like, you monster. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, but that's how I I would think to fix it. And and I've got to remember if I'm receiving, if I'm listening, I've got to listen with intent. I can't just fix everything.

Vicky Albious 45:08

Well, and too, I'm very practical, you know, of like, okay, I can't actually do that, or I would not, it's the same thing. I'm not gonna say that, you know. And so I just need you to listen, and then you know, we'll go from there.

Scottie Albious 45:21

So when I come back like that, it's because I'm trying to protect the one I love.

Michelle Moore 45:26

Absolutely.

Scottie Albious 45:27

She's hurt. And you can you feel that, Michelle? They're hurt, so here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna figure this out. If you don't want to, I'll do it for you, you know. And I've got to realize that doesn't make things always better. Listen.

Absolutes, Tone, And Sarcasm

Daniel Moore 45:37

Yeah. Yep. And that actually covers the second principle of building up communication is speak to your spouse's needs, not your emotions. Uh, because that's exactly what that's exactly what happens, you know. It's like uh communication requires us to set aside self-centered expression in order to care for how words affect the other person. And we need to be willing to sit there and listen with patience, speak with intention, choose clarity and kindness over convenience or emotional release. Uh at those moments when we're wanting to, and guys are a lot of times our fixers. That that's very common when you talk about communication between men and women. There is a big difference there. Uh, we we automatically want to, you know, put on the box and gloves and just go knock them out. You know, it's like it's problem solved. You know, it's like no big deal. Um, but that's not what the women are after. And and I think there's times too that guys are like that too, though. I mean, there's times that we just want to sit and vent for a minute and have somebody that understands what we're going through. Um, I think that happens on both sides of the coin, yeah. Uh for sure. And so, so yeah, that's uh that's a very good takeaway for solving this communication problem that we're talking about this week. Uh another uh, as we get into that part of our discussion today, uh there's some principles that you can put into place for building up communication. And the very first one is filter before you speak. And so this is something that I always like. It's you can ask four questions uh whenever it comes up to a point where you're getting ready to go through a conflictive conversation, uh, or if somebody's venting and you're needing to listen or you know, going to communicate back to them. Here's four questions that can be asked. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it loving? Is it helpful right now? That's four questions that need to be asked when you're getting ready to fly off the handle and lay into somebody.

Michelle Moore 47:35

What was those questions again?

Daniel Moore 47:36

Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it loving? Is it helpful right now? And I'm sure just listening to you guys, I think you probably actually put some of this into play when you're communicating. How do how do you feel like the you know, looking at putting those questions into play during your communication? Uh that helps a lot.

Scottie Albious 47:58

I have to tell myself if it's not necessary, because I do joke around, I exaggerate a lot. You know, well, I mean exaggerate like the whole situation and and joke around about it to to keep my mouth shut because it's not gonna help, you know. You know, is it true? Yes, but is it you know, is it necessary at the moment? No. And I laugh because I think of you know a few instances. I was actually thinking if we could put that like on a poster in our room so we're fighting and I can you know read that. Um but I think that just to be aware, is it necessary? I think you know that's definitely something to uh that will help, you know, fight uh win, you know, together to to to to fix the conflict.

Daniel Moore 48:40

Yeah. It's definitely a good filter that we need to think about because more often than not, we're when we're in those conversations that are high energy like that, we have a tendency to speak before we think about it. That happens more often than not, and that gets us into these problems that we have because our mouth is flying way ahead of what we're thinking right at the moment. Right. And we're getting digging ourselves a big old ditch.

Venting Vs Fixing: Listening With Intent

Michelle Moore 49:04

I want to read a scripture. See, I'm gonna be reading the scriptures out of Proverbs. Let me just tell you right now. So 1813, it says spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish. So in my notes, it says, um, we give this verse's advice to children, but we don't always follow it ourselves. We are prone to think that we understand others' situations much more clearly than we usually do. As a result, we quickly pigeonhole their problems and offer a bit of canned advice. As Proverbs tells us, this is folly, and for it can lead those we advise into deeper troubles and can cause hurt feelings among those who realize we have not taken the time to truly listen. As believers, we must be quick to listen and slow to come to conclusion. To do anything less fails to show others the love of our Lord Jesus Christ expects of us.

Daniel Moore 50:03

James, James 119. Uh quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to becoming. That's good. Yeah, it kind of ref mirrors scripture. Yeah, that's good. Uh there's a lot of truth in that. Old Sol Solomon, he pretty well had it figured out, I think, when it came to all this, which he was married to plenty of women, I guess had lots of practice to figure all that out. But uh as we get to the the closing here, I'm gonna throw out some principles here, and we can just discuss them briefly as we close today. Some other ways that you can fix this issue uh with this communication uh that we're talking about this week on how to talk without tearing somebody down. Another good one is choose timing wisely. You know, it might be a right message, but it might be the wrong moment. And that causes damage. You know, in those moments, maybe you need to learn to stop the conversation for a moment and say, you know, can we talk about this a little later when we're calmer? You know, after we sit on this for a little bit and we cool down, let's come back and approach it then, because there is a time to be silent and a time to speak, as Ecclesiastes says. So uh another one is use words that invite unity. And you guys have cut touched on this a little bit. Uh, when you reapply back in these communications, help me understand. Or I may be wrong, but I want us to be on the same team. Yeah. You know, use those unifying words. I feel like exactly uh that's a good way to talk without a cu without accusation. Right. You know, you're not accusing the other spouse at that point. So that invites conversation. Yeah, I think it keeps the heart from closing off.

Scottie Albious 51:45

I think it stops the absolutes. Right.

Daniel Moore 51:48

Never, you know, instead, just like I feel like all the negative stuff can stay out of conversation at that point. Yeah. Replacing tear tearing downwards with life-giving ones. Right. Um, instead of saying you don't care, say I'm feeling unheard, or you're always late, rather than it all or instead of that, it helps me feel valued when we're on time.

Michelle Moore 52:12

I think that's the one you do for me all the time.

Daniel Moore 52:14

Is that the one I do for you? We'll move on. We'll move on to the next one here.

Scottie Albious 52:19

She's like glaring at him like, we're not done yet. We're staying here. I'm like, whoa.

Michelle Moore 52:23

You mentioned in the last one. We come back to this later when we're calming up. You mentioned in the last podcast how I always make him late. And I'm like, this last Sunday, I'm like, I get up super early and I'm like, I am not making us late. I'm like, we're ready to go. And he's like, You ready? And I'm like, yes, let's go, because I'm not making you late.

Daniel Moore 52:47

That's awesome. Good old learning moments.

Michelle Moore 52:51

It's only taking us 24 years for you to finally tell me how you really feel.

Speak To Needs, Not Emotions

Daniel Moore 52:55

You know, I don't communicate very well with anything. Uh another one is encourage daily verbal affirmation. Yeah. Uh that's that's a big one. And I honestly, if Michelle and I have been around you two enough, um, that's something that I highly respect out of you guys because um we've we've seen that as you guys have done that over time. Um, you know, affirming each other, um, showing the love between the two of you, speaking encouragement, yes, you guys all the time. That that not only builds your relationship together, but the people that are around you, that affects that affects everyone. It's a good testimony. Yes.

Scottie Albious 53:35

I think it's it's definitely important for people around, but also if I'm a man and I'm speaking praise over her, well, guess what? I love her because I'm thinking these.

Daniel Moore 53:43

Right.

Scottie Albious 53:43

Instead of speaking horrible, then I'm thinking of her as a different person or these horrible things that I'm thinking. So, like I said, it's all about it, you know, even when you communicate to yourself, you talk to yourself the most.

Daniel Moore 53:54

Yeah.

Scottie Albious 53:55

So even how you think of how you think of the spouse. You're talking about so you you're talking about cu uh communication and and and you're talking about words, and another thing uh I just want to throw in there real quick about communication. Um, it's important because careless words create wounds. Unspoken words create distance, harsh words create walls. Yes, that's good. You can either build or burn, and that's why those words are super important. So when it comes to I want people to see my wife like, oh, you know, because she's awesome, but I want my kids to see how I talk about her. Right. Am I perfect by any means? No. There's a lot of things that you know I need to quit joking around all the time and you know, and things like that. But I want my boys, even my daughter, to respect their mom. Yeah, building the next generation. Yeah, or else I'd beat them.

Daniel Moore 54:40

That's right.

Michelle Moore 54:41

Do you hear that?

Scottie Albious 54:43

Yeah, Daniels.

Daniel Moore 54:44

I said, or else I'd beat them. I'm just glad you two are on that end of the table over there. I feel safer over here when I'm here.

Michelle Moore 54:49

I think you're the only one that has it. Vicky, me, and Scottie. Like, you just need to stay down there.

Daniel Moore 54:54

I feel we should pray. No, I'm kidding. My little white personality is just fun to be here by myself. Uh and the very last one is grace for when we mess up. It's so good. How hard is it to extend grace and forgiveness. That's hard to believe it's that hard, but sometimes it is. It's very difficult. But we gotta remember words can wound, but they can also heal.

Scottie Albious 55:19

Yes.

The Four-Question Filter

Daniel Moore 55:19

And so it's it's all in how we communicate that. That's good. So we're gonna go ahead and and wrap up this episode. Thank you guys for being here this week. Of course, you're gonna be back next week for another one. Um, but this has been awesome. As we close today, just remember this that words are never neutral. They either build up or they break down. In marriage, the goal isn't to win the conversation, it's to protect the relationship. Healthy communication doesn't mean you never disagree. It means you choose to speak with love, humility, and purpose, even when emotions run high. When we slow down, listen well, and let grace lead our words, we create space for healing instead of hurt. Scripture reminds us in Ephesians 4.29 to speak only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. When we bring that heart into our marriages, our conversations become tools for unity rather than weapons for division. So this upcoming week, uh, the four of us here, we encourage you guys to pause before you speak. Ask yourself, will these words bring us closer or are they gonna push us apart? Then choose the words that reflect the love of Christ. And if this episode's encouraged you, please share it with another couple who could benefit from a healthier conversation. And also be sure to subscribe so that you guys don't miss for what's coming next. Um, next week we're gonna be back and we'll be talking some more about marriage. Uh, we got a fun one coming up here, also, so you guys are gonna enjoy that. And that's all for this week, though. And we pray that as we go that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode. This is an extension of Connecting to Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.