What Your Spouse is Actually Saying with Scottie and Vicky Albious - 305

Ever answer your spouse perfectly and still end up in a fight? We’ve been there too. This conversation dives beneath the tidy logic of our replies to the messy, human reality of what our partner is actually trying to say. Together with Scottie and Vicky Albious, we unpack why couples respond to words but miss the heart—and how to build habits that turn tension into trust.

We start with presence: eye contact, attention, and guardrails around phones that protect your most important relationship from constant distraction. From there we explore emotional wiring—why one of us needs to talk now while the other needs time to process—and how to ask for space without triggering panic or shutdown. You’ll hear the phrases that light fuses in marriages and what they often mean instead: “It’s fine,” “You never help,” “We need to talk,” and the silence that can actually signal safety-seeking. Our favorite reframe: validation isn’t agreement; it’s acknowledgment that keeps hearts open long enough to solve the right problem.

We also take on unmet expectations, the quiet driver of resentment. Learn to separate healthy expectations (respect, safety, shared time, spiritual alignment) from unspoken or unrealistic ones that set your spouse up to fail. With a covenant mindset—choosing connection over scorekeeping—prayer shifts from “fix them” to “change me,” and conversations soften. Practical tools tie it together: ask curious questions, name emotions without blame, and watch nonverbal cues that say more than words.

If you’re ready to hear the heart, not just the words, this one’s for you. Listen, share it with your spouse, and try one small change this week. Subscribe for more faith-rooted, practical conversations on marriage, and leave a review to help other couples find the show.

Transcript

Words Answered, Hearts Missed

Daniel Moore 0:07

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever answered your spouse's exact question perfectly, logically, respectfully, and still somehow ended up in a full-blown knockdown drag out five minutes later? Like you solved the math problem, showed your work, carried the one, and your spouse still looked at you like you failed the class? But we've all been there. Sometimes we respond to the words, but completely miss the heart. You hear, I'm fine, and think, great, mission accomplished. While your spouse is thinking, wow, they didn't notice anything. Today we're talking about one of the biggest communication disconnects in marriage. Most conflict isn't really about what's said, it's about what's felt. So in this week's episode, we're learning how to become heart listeners, not just word hearers, understanding why we miss emotional subtext, what common phrases often really mean, and how to respond in a way that builds connection instead of tension. If you've ever thought that is not what I meant, or that is not what I heard, well this episode is for you. Welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies. We interview people that have inspiring stories. I'm Danny Moore, your host, and over here once again next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.

Michelle Moore 1:34

Hey, hey.

Daniel Moore 1:35

Gotta wake her up over there. Thank you guys for joining us this week.

Michelle Moore 1:39

It's like watching my name. Like, wait a second.

Why Conflicts Escalate

Signals Beneath The Words

Daniel Moore 1:44

Good start here with this week's episode. If not for me with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandwar.com for our platforms. Our YouTube and Rumble links are there. We're also on the Christian Podcasting app Edifi. And we're also on your Alexa and Google Smart Devices. You can also visit us on social, on Facebook, Instagram, and X at CTGAPOnline. If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms. Give us a thumbs up or five-star review on Apple Podcast, and we'd be thankful to you for doing that. Well, last week we talked a little bit about communication. We had Scottie and Vicky Albus here with us and had an awesome conversation. This week they come back and we're going to be talking about a different topic this week. We're going to be talking about what your spouse is really saying. Scottie and Vicky, welcome back once again. Yeah, we're looking forward to it. Had had a fun time last week. Really enjoyed that episode. And I know this one's going to be another one. And we're going to be talking a little bit more about some different types of communication again with uh marriages and with spouses. And I think this week's going to be pretty awesome. So we're going to go ahead and get into that. First questions here have you ever responded to the words but completely missed the heart? And have you ever answered the question and still ended up in an argument? Have you guys ever had that happen before? Oh yeah. A time or two? Oh yeah. Been there and wrote the book, right? Mastered it. That's right. Yeah, I think we've all been there and I think it goes both ways. I think sometimes, you know, we we just we say things and we misinterpret and there's no context there. There's just lots of different reasons uh that that happens. But you know, a lot of times um in con in conflict and marriage, uh a lot of times it's not really about one's what's said, it's really just about how it's taken. Right. Right. You know, there's there's some context missing, or uh, you know, we just think we understand what's going on, but there's actually something else going on. And a lot of times that's because of unspoken expectations, and there's just a lot of stuff that goes into that. And, you know, when that happens, it can really cause disconnects between spouses and it can actually create problems, believe it or not. You know, it's just one of those things. We're all human and uh sometimes uh on a bad day we just take things the wrong way and it can go south pretty quickly. So we're gonna have a little bit of fun with this episode this week as we get into it, and we'll talk a little bit about that this week. So as we first get started here, we want to start out by talking about words versus meaning. And, you know, a lot of times as we're talking to our spouses and we're having conversations, uh, we hear statements, we hear words, and we hear the chatter going on, you know, in the background. Might be trying to plug our ears while we're doing it, but we're hearing what's going on. Uh but you know, in the middle of a lot of that, there's a lot of times we just miss signals. Yeah. You know, we just we miss the context of that conversation. And whenever that happens, when you miss those those uh signals there belief beneath the surface, you know, those can include the tone or the timing, body language, emotional intensity, repeated patterns, uh, those often when those take place and we miss it, you know, those often reveal deeper needs like feeling unheard, unsafe, or disconnected. Uh so when you guys are communicating and you have these moments where it just doesn't seem like you're on the the same page, uh what's your reaction? What's the first thing really that comes to to mind when you think about those times that that's happened? Uh what has that made you feel like?

Vicky Albious 5:52

I've I've learned to um make sure he's looking at me, number one. To actually listen, because if he's not looking at me, I know he's not listening.

Daniel Moore 6:01

Yeah.

Vicky Albious 6:02

Um but I've yeah, I've learned to, hey, you know, pay attention. But man, when there's moments I've said things or whatever, and he he I'll see I'll be like, Well, I said that, and no, you didn't. You know, I'm like, because you're not listening. I need you to listen. It makes me it I get pretty frustrated about that sometimes.

Eye Contact And Presence

Daniel Moore 6:22

Yeah. That eye contact thing really is a good that's a good point. Because in good communication, if you go through a communication study and you look into all of that, that is one of the things that's actually brought out is you you maintain eye contact. Yeah. Because that for first of all, that shows that that person that's listening is truly interested in what you're saying because it's it's hard to look into somebody's eyes and not get the context of that conversation unless you're just totally out of it, you know. Right. Um, so and then that also gives the person speaking, I think, that extra confidence that I think I'm getting through. Yeah. I think that they are listening. And, you know, I so there's a lot to that, uh, because like you said, if I'm the same way, you know, if I'm talking to Michelle and she's looking off the other direction, fiddling with something while I'm speaking or whatever, and then all of a sudden I'm done talking and there's silence. I'm like, did you just hear what I said? And you know, if she comes back and tells me, Oh, oh yeah, I caught you know some of that, or you know, I don't know. What would you say? You know, it's like, well, that makes you feel like you're not important. Yeah, you know? Yeah. And you know, and I we've all been there. Oh yeah. You know, we've we've all had those moments.

Vicky Albious 7:32

Well, I think the worst thing these days is our phones.

Daniel Moore 7:35

Oh yeah.

Vicky Albious 7:35

Like we have our phones in our hands all the time. And I mean, I think that's caused a huge communication gap with couples.

Michelle Moore 7:43

And disconnect. And even with our kids. Yeah.

Vicky Albious 7:46

Because I find myself, you know, when my boys will come in or Kira, you know, and I'll be doing something on my phone. And I've had to learn to like set it to the side and focus in. Otherwise, they'll, you know, mom, mom, I've asked you this, or you know, or even with Scottie, he'll say something to me. And then I'm like, wait a minute, like, what did you just say? And then, oh my gosh, it's so bad. Our phones are just wrecking us.

Phones, Distraction, And Drift

Daniel Moore 8:09

Yeah, it makes me think of, you know, the whole time we we're sitting there just totally involved in our phone, and we're building that superficial relationship with other people's, you know, highlight reels with everything that we're looking through, while the relationship that means the most to us is dying sitting next to us on the couch. Yeah. You know, and you look at it and you think about it that way, that's totally backwards to how our marriage is supposed to function and how it's supposed to look. And and the problem with that is is a lot of it's unintentional. A lot of times we don't even realize what's going on sometimes. And that's a very scary place to be because, you know, if if you allow that to happen all the time and it becomes a habit, then it almost comes to where you're just two people, you know, like two ships passing in the night, you know, just kind of existing in the same room.

Vicky Albious 9:03

That's we have a f some friends at church, and that was one of the things the wife had talked to me about is she said we've learned that at a certain time at night, all phones go put. I think she said like around eight, like all phones go put away. And she's like, it's helped our marriage so much because we're actually engaging with each other and and with our kids. And you know.

Daniel Moore 9:25

Yeah. Yeah. And and I'm not gonna I think we can all agree, we're not gonna, you know, knock the whole phone thing completely. I think there's times that we've can we do have good communication and there's times we just need some downtime and both of us might be sitting there looking at some stuff and we're okay with that. Yeah, sure. We're just we're still there together, we're spending time. Uh you know, if if both people are okay with that moment and whatever, I think there is opportunity for that stuff to happen occasionally. Sure. But we have to anything that can become a habit in in your life that can create a disconnect in your relationships, I think those are the signs that you need to watch for. Right. Because when that starts to happen, that's where the danger zone is at, because then uh you're really in jeopardy of of hurting that relationship.

Habits Shape Your Marriage

Scottie Albious 10:14

You know, I like I like how you you you describe that as like a habit, you know, how you're listening, how you're being intentional if you're not, or even if you're being intentional, unten unintentional, whatever. And um I I I read this thing recently that says like habits will determine the traject traject trajectory, oh my gosh, of your future. Yeah, that's good. So if you take that into your marriage, the way you're responding, the way you're communicating like that, that will determine your marriage as well. And if you think about it, like you know, if you don't fix it right now, and and I'm speaking for myself, I tell myself, I tell people all the time, I'm gonna be first telling myself. Um depends, like when we're communicating and we're talking and we're trying to figure something out, then I'll be intentional, okay, lock eyes. But when it comes to, I've noticed for me, when it comes to I'm learning, when it comes to conflict, I don't want to feel pain. Right. I don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to feel anger. So my mind is somewhere else. I'm on the computer. I put my phone away, but I'm on the computer looking, building a website or lit watching a um a podcast, or and she's like, Are you listening? Yeah, I'm listening I'm listening, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Because I don't want to feel that pain. Right. You have to be intentional. If you're gonna be married, you have to be intimate, whether it's conflict, whether it's trying to figure out a problem, but you have to be intentional and build those healthy habits because that's gonna determine your marriage going into the future. Yeah. That's good.

Daniel Moore 11:36

And there's a dis there's a a distinct difference in a good habit and a bad habit. Yes. And honestly, if you look at it, I like the context of what you're saying there because really our life is really kind of built around our habits. Yeah, the things that we do on a daily basis. Uh, there's a lot of things that are repetitive in our lives and in our relationships, and those repetitive things are habits, so we need to create good habits to make sure that we can function in the way that we're supposed to as a godly couple.

Scottie Albious 12:07

Yes.

Emotional Wiring And Timing

Daniel Moore 12:07

And I like the context of that. Uh, another thing a lot of times in our relationships that causes problems is the difference in our emotional wiring, the way that we're created. And I think I think when God created Adam and Eve, you know, he he had to be laughing a lot that day when when he created both, though, was like, I'm gonna put these two people together and I'm gonna sit back and watch the show. You know, it's like I always like to think of it that way because most generally when you have a good marriage, you're usually opposites a lot of times. Right. And uh sometimes opposites can be bad because you'll you'll conflict constantly. Um, but there's also good things in opposites because you can complement each other. Exactly. Where one person has strengths, the other one may have a weakness in that area, and then where they have their strengths, the other one has weaknesses. And when you guys, you know, functionally do that in a correct way, you come you come together and you mesh, right? Then you have a good relationship and a good marriage at that point because you balance each other out. And that reflects back a lot into your uh communication at that point. And so when we have this emotional wiring difference, it creates a couple of things. Uh, number one, a spouse may feel emotions deeply and immediately needing to talk right now, as soon as this conflict happens, okay, we're gonna fix this, let's do it. You know, the other person standing there thinking, I need some time. I need to I need to think about this before we jump into this conversation, you know. That was so uh a long time ago. So let's talk about that for a minute. How about we not?

Michelle Moore 13:40

No, can we next question?

Daniel Moore 13:42

That was so us as well. We're gonna dig into the emotional side of this whole thing here. Get into the feelings. Right. So with you two, how do you guys look at that between are are you guys kind of on the opposite spectrum with that, or how do you guys handle that?

Process First Or Talk Now

Vicky Albious 13:59

We used to, because I used to be the one to let's talk about this right now, you know, and then he would just not be ready for it at all. He was the one that was like, I'm gonna need a day or so, you know. And I think I've gotten to a place because of just those first years of how when I did go about it that way, like, oh my gosh, it would ended up being like a two-hour ordeal sometimes. Like, cause I'm like, why are you not understanding what I, you know, I'd be so upset or whatever. And I've learned now like to back, like back down. And I need to process what, why am I feeling this way? Why am I so angry? Like, what, you know, with what this situation, what, why do I feel, you know, and I've learned to kind of like process it. And then, you know, still sometimes even then when we do sit down and talk, I'm still like, I'm like frustrated, but I am able to explain out why.

Michelle Moore 14:54

Right.

Vicky Albious 14:54

This is why I'm so upset about it, because it made me feel this way. Yeah. And then he's like, oh, okay. Like, yeah.

Scottie Albious 15:03

I think in those moments too, in in the middle of a conflict, I've had to, for me, I've had to realize, okay, she's coming at me with love, not with anger, and not because she wants to fight me. Yeah. Because if she, and it depends on her words too. If she comes to, we need to fix this now. Now I'm thinking, okay, because I'm not doing my part. Let's do it. What are we gonna what are we gonna do? We're fixing it right now. Or if she says, babe, we kind of need to figure this out. What are we gonna do? That tells me, all right, let me process, let me figure out what's going on, and then we can communicate instead of being like, we're gonna fix this right now, we're gonna get this over with, we're gonna do what we need to do to get you know this solved, instead we're doing it, you know, in love and trying to figure out. You know, you you were talking about when when opposites, you know, if they work together, I I I think about even in conflict, if we're going the the right direction, the same direction, that's beneficial. If we're going different opposite ends, that's when we're gonna start drifting. Yeah. And that's when we start getting angry because she's not listening, he's not listening to me, she doesn't understand me, he doesn't understand me, you know. Instead, if we just take time, like be quick to listen, take time. I've realized like you don't have to fix things right then and there. Right, right. Let God fix it. Yeah, get let him give you the wisdom, let the Holy Spirit help you heal your heart, give you direction before you use your words, use God's words, you know. Even the Bible, like Michelle always drops these, like I said, truth bomb, you know, proverbs on us, and it's good, and she's getting ready to right now, but still.

Michelle Moore 16:27

Yes, I am.

Scottie Albious 16:28

See, look at that. Look at that time. That's beautiful. Go ahead. Please enlighten.

Language That Lowers Defenses

Michelle Moore 16:31

We're going into Proverbs again, and we're gonna go to two six. For the Lord grants wisdom from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. And in my notes, it says the wisdom of God. Many people constantly run around trying to fix all the difficulties in their lives, bringing their problems to God only when things seem hopeless. But all that time God is willing to grant us wisdom.

Daniel Moore 17:00

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 17:00

How much better off would we be if we brought our problems to God as soon as we recognized them? We would avoid the many of the consequences uh we avoid, we would avoid many of the consequences we suffer for the wrong actions. The world's wisdom cannot measure up to God, so turn to Him quickly in every crisis.

Scottie Albious 17:21

Yeah, that's good. Do you have like a microphone I can throw down real quick? Because that was really good. Thank you. Proverbs, send that to me too. That's really good. I like that. I'll do that. That's awesome. I love it.

Wisdom Before Words

Michelle Moore 17:32

I mean, I was thinking about, you know, back in when we were first married, you know, and how I was like, let's fix it, let's fix it. And you're like, we're not even gonna talk about it because I don't even I I don't even want to talk about it. I mean, you wanted to avoid everything possible that we could because you didn't want to tell me how you really felt about it. But now, I mean, it's like we don't ever have disagreements. And if we do, I mean, in if I'm emotional, the first thing I go to is like, God, I'm emotional. This is not a time to, you know, to bring up what we need to talk about because my emotions are way out of whack and it's just gonna create more problems. And I mean, you've called me on the carpet. There's been a couple times I'm just like, okay, whatever. And he's like, Hey, you know, I didn't mean it this way. Let's talk about this. And I'm like, well, there's nothing to talk about, you know. And you know, but really and honestly, if you're upset about something, you know, you want to talk about it now. Back then you didn't. Yeah, now you want to talk about it because you don't want anything between us. Right. And me, I'm like, uh, it's up, it's whatever, you know.

Scottie Albious 18:40

Yeah. And I think as we mature as as couples, as married couples, we we we figure out how to conflict, like uh healthy. And I mean that by like, okay, like when we were first married, because you said something about being first married, it was about me.

Daniel Moore 18:54

Yeah.

Scottie Albious 18:55

Scottie wants this fixed this way. Scottie, and I wish you like even thinking back in the day, because we were talking about how it refreshes our man, my prayers back then was God, you go get her. Holy Spirit, fix her, God fix her. You know what it is now? Holy Spirit, help me. Yeah, yeah.

Michelle Moore 19:09

That's so good.

Scottie Albious 19:10

That's so changed so much. Holy Spirit, help me. Yeah, Holy Spirit, give me the words. But used to be it's God fix her, you know what I mean? Yeah, but even in in in conflict, prayers change. And once prayers change, hearts change. Yeah, and now the way we react changes. Yeah, yeah.

Responsibility And Prayer

Daniel Moore 19:26

We are individually responsible for ourselves. Yes, yes. It doesn't matter how I feel like about how Michelle responds to things, right? I can't change her. Right. She's gonna have to change herself. That's right. God's gonna have to change her heart. And then when it comes to me, it's the same way. Yes. You know, I'm responsible for me. Right. And so when we get back to that point where we understand that most conflicts aren't one-sided, usually there's two sides to every story, and neither one of them's probably perfect. Right. So when we can both come to that understanding and realize that we both need fixed before we go into this to communicate about it, to fix it between the two of us, it comes out so much better. Because then we've already taken responsibility and gotten ourselves to a healthy spot where we have a safe space now that we can talk about that. And I I do know at one point in time uh I was one that didn't want to get right into it. You know, I wanted to hold back for and it and I do want to say before we go to Vicky here, uh don't think that you can't ask for space. Right. Because don't let anybody force you into wanting to fix it right now. I know that that is some people's uh they're the way that they're wired and that's their personality. But if one of the spouses needs that time to step away for a minute, you have to allow them that space to do that. Absolutely. I love it. Because you don't want to come into a thing where one uh whether that's so escalated and there's so many dynamics going on at that moment, you're just gonna trash each other and you're gonna be in a bad, bad spot. Right.

Vicky Albious 21:02

So I was thinking of the scripture, Psalms 19, 14, and it's let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer. And that so applies into the wisdom part of it as, you know, like take that time to be like, God, is what I'm about to say or what I'm thinking, is it acceptable to, you know, you and like what, you know, how and it goes back to what Scottie said of our habits, even of like how are we thinking about our spouse in those heated moments, like they're doing this because of this or that, you know. Instead we need to be like, okay, why are they doing this? You know, like just let our our thoughts be acceptable for the Lord and change our thoughts if they need change.

Honoring Differences

Scottie Albious 21:48

And I know this sounds so different too. Sorry to mean to cut you off. I know this sounds different too, but you know, I've always heard people say, you know, honor your spouse for their differences. And I remember during my prayer, I'm like, God fix her, God fix her. Well, those were the things I loved about her in the first release. That's why I married her. Yeah. That's when it started changing, God fix me. Because of my selfishness. There's something wrong and why I'm angry, I'm hurt, you know, prideful, whatever it is. Fix me. Yeah. That's good. You know.

Daniel Moore 22:13

Yeah, that's really good. We just have to remember with this difference in the way that we're wired and our personality differences, um, they can actually lead to one spouse to feel too sensitive and the other can feel emotionally distant. Depending on how you come into that conversation, even though both are responding according to the way that they were created. Yeah. And we can almost despise our beginnings, we can despise who God's created us to be because now that's creating a wall there that we're both bumping into because we can't seem to get on the same page. Yeah. And so, but God created us like that for a purpose. Yes. And it's it's up to us with the leading of the Holy Spirit to come to an understanding of how we cross those gaps and make that work. Yes. And be able to be in a spot where we can work together on that. Uh, you know, when when as couples, when we understand that there's different emotional reactions to the different things that take place, uh, we can eventually get to a point where we can actually get into each other's story and understand where each other's coming from rather than it feel like we're being judged. Right, right. Um, by what's going on in our conversation, another thing that can uh can really be heavy on this type of a situation is stress, fatigue, and unmet expectations.

Michelle Moore 23:52

Ooh, you said unmet expectations. That's a big one.

Daniel Moore 23:56

It is. Why don't you elaborate on that? Please.

Michelle Moore 24:00

Uh why do you do that to me?

Daniel Moore 24:04

No.

Unmet Expectations Defined

Michelle Moore 24:04

I think, you know, as unmet expectations, it's so easy for all of us to expect our partner to be a specific way. And, you know, I mean, just going into our marriage, and we've talked about this in our podcast of, you know, I expected Daniel to to be this specific way and had no idea. I mean, he was on a pedestal. And, you know, I had all these expectations of my second marriage to be like, oh my gosh, loving, you know, best friends. I would never knock him expect him not to talk to me and you know, to be like this with my children, you know, that I have other children, there's so much more. But they were my expectations that I was putting on him that I should have never put on him. And, you know, I mean, even to this day, I mean, I have expectations, but now it's like, are those expectations are they should they even be set? I mean, if you go into it looking as, you know, I think a marriage should always have expectations individually and as you know, marriage, you know, wise for your spouse where you guys are, you know, serving and stuff like that. But that's not fair to me to say, Dan, I expect you to go make a hundred and fifty grand.

Vicky Albious 25:19

Right?

Michelle Moore 25:20

Why don't you do that? That would be great.

Scottie Albious 25:22

I'll work on that. I thought you already do.

Michelle Moore 25:25

Oh yeah. Oh, yeah, okay, okay, gotcha. Oh yeah. But you know, the expectations of him coming home and cooking supper or cleaning house or the expectations for him to treat me like rub my feet every night, you know, or those those aren't gonna be unmet because those are my expectations.

Scottie Albious 25:42

That's good.

Michelle Moore 25:42

And they're not Daniel's, and you know, we have expectations together as a couple, serve together, you know, serve the Lord with all of our heart, you know, to grow in the Lord. That's good. And, you know, to spend, like I said, one Saturday every Saturday. That's our expectations is we spend it together. We don't let anything ever come in between that unless it's an absolutely need.

Scottie Albious 26:06

That's good.

Michelle Moore 26:06

Because that's our day.

Scottie Albious 26:09

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 26:09

But you know, that is an expectation that he has to meet. He doesn't get a choice in that one. But you know, unmet expect expectations. A lot of the couples put those on there and they don't even recognize that they've done it. And once those have happened, they're crushed. They're hurt by like, you know, and I think, you know, my first marriage, it's like I had these expectations and none of them were met, and I came out. I I don't even know. What I I don't even know the word for me when I came out of that marriage. I was a very plain Jane with no self-controls, no self-confidence, no self-anything. You were very damaged very because I was hurt in so many ways, you know. But I was also talked down to.

Scottie Albious 26:51

Yeah, I see.

Michelle Moore 26:52

You know, and I didn't expect any of that. So I just expect coming in the second marriage that it was going to be this wonderful thing because I married my best friend.

Scottie Albious 26:59

Yeah.

Michelle Moore 27:00

So then I got let down twice. But the Lord the Lord has always been there and he his expectations. You know, I should strive for his expectations instead of putting expectations on Daniel.

Healthy Vs Unrealistic Expectations

Scottie Albious 27:15

I I love what you said right there. And I I caught it first thing, it was really cool. It didn't work with Michelle's expectation unmet. God's expectations a lot better. Oh yeah. Now they're being met. You've you're it's it's a diff it's a different perspective. You're not got you don't have Michelle glasses on, you've got godly glasses on, and now you're a godly wife that will serve a godly man, and you see what he's doing, and you're both serving together to help godly marriages. You know, it makes a difference. That's really cool.

Michelle Moore 27:42

And you know, we hear all the time in our marriage 911 the unmet expectations. Yeah. And it can really destroy.

Vicky Albious 27:49

Well, and there's too, there's like healthy expectations, yeah. You know, right. I expect, you know, that time you're talking about spent together. I I expect him to treat me well, you know, and things like that. He's like yes. But you know, then they is my island queen. The whitest island queen ever.

Scottie Albious 28:10

I love it. Red or white, either way, she's my island queen. Yeah.

Daniel Moore 28:16

Yeah. So yeah, these unmet expectations, uh, they actually they cause us to interpret words through disappointment and resentment rather than clarity. Yeah, is what ends up happening.

Scottie Albious 28:27

I think these unmet expectations also put such a false marriage in your mind. Yeah. I mean, obviously, you were talking about so you're like, I'm gonna be my best friend. I'm the same way. I got married again. She's my best friend. We're not gonna have conflict, we're not gonna fight. It's gonna be perfect. Well, life happens, you know. Yeah, we gotta figure out how to meet those conflicts.

Michelle Moore 28:46

Unless you're in a Hallmark story. Right.

Scottie Albious 28:49

I try not to watch.

Daniel Moore 28:50

Dan's favorite movies. Yeah, they they bring me down. I just can't do it. I'm just like, Michelle, why can't you be like that?

Scottie Albious 29:02

Well, yeah.

Transparency And Oneness

Daniel Moore 29:04

Yeah, we've I think that you know, whenever it comes to relationships, we've we've got to be open and we've got to be transparent. Um there's just a lot of things that and it might be uncomfortable for some people to do that, but when you take on a marriage and you bring that person into your life, you become one, uh that's a requirement. You know, you you're one in everything. Yeah. And that you can't hold have any withholds anywhere. And whenever you do have those and you don't allow someone to come into your life like they're supposed to be able to, then you're gonna have these issues. They're gonna come up.

Michelle Moore 29:41

I like what that's gonna be. That's really good.

Daniel Moore 29:44

So yeah, we've got to be super careful with that.

Scottie Albious 29:46

Yeah.

What Phrases Really Mean

Daniel Moore 29:46

That's awesome. So let's look at some common phrases and and what they really mean. Uh-oh. So so one phrase we've heard is it's fine. It's fine. That means everything's okay.

Scottie Albious 29:56

Move on. What does that mean?

Michelle Moore 29:58

It's fine. It's really fine.

Scottie Albious 30:00

That means everything's okay, you can just go watch the game. It's okay. I'm really good at these. Next.

Daniel Moore 30:07

So what do you girls think? Do you agree with Scottie?

Michelle Moore 30:11

Next question.

Daniel Moore 30:13

Pass.

Vicky Albious 30:14

Does Scottie have to be a part of this book?

Daniel Moore 30:18

I I did agree with you, Scottie. Okay, thank you.

Scottie Albious 30:21

We gotta go, we gotta hear.

Daniel Moore 30:25

No. So typically that often means I don't feel safe sharing this right now. Yeah. Or I'm hurt but don't know how to say it. Yeah. You guys agree with that?

Michelle Moore 30:35

I would say that for sure. Okay.

Scottie Albious 30:37

I'm glad you said that because honestly, that's eye-opening. You know what I mean? Like I I get, but when you put it into words like that in articulate, I'm like, okay, wow, I totally understand. That's almost like a light bulb, just bing. Yep. I'm gonna be honest. Yeah.

Vicky Albious 30:49

Listen up, man.

Scottie Albious 30:50

I'm taking notes right now, baby.

Daniel Moore 30:53

Well, here's note number two. You never help.

Scottie Albious 30:59

Oh.

Daniel Moore 31:00

Does that sound familiar? That one.

Scottie Albious 31:02

Never heard that one before.

Daniel Moore 31:04

As I'm laughing.

Scottie Albious 31:05

What does it mean, Dan? Please crush me.

Daniel Moore 31:07

Well, from what I've heard, yeah, it means I feel overwhelmed and alone or I need support, not correction. Oh that's a couple of ways that you can look at that statement. Scottie likes to correct, so I see what you're saying. Yeah. Third one, just do whatever you want.

Michelle Moore 31:24

You do you boo.

Daniel Moore 31:26

Or that version.

Michelle Moore 31:28

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 31:30

I've heard that one before. You do you boo. I like that. Yeah. So that one. What does that mean? I feel dismissed, or I don't feel like my opinion matters.

Michelle Moore 31:42

But when I say you do you boo, I don't know. That that's not really You're joking when you say that.

Scottie Albious 31:48

I don't think Vicky's ever called me boo. I'd like for her to, but she refuses to. I don't know why.

Vicky Albious 31:53

She tries to call me boo, and I'm like, uh-uh.

Scottie Albious 31:55

We booed up for a reason, baby.

Daniel Moore 31:59

Still.

Vicky Albious 32:01

No.

Daniel Moore 32:02

I'll think about that every time Michelle says. Yes, sir. You booed up, it's all good.

Michelle Moore 32:08

Oh my gosh, people listening to this are gonna be like, who are they? They're crazy. This is hilarious.

Daniel Moore 32:15

So sometimes we communicate by not saying nothing. Pure silence. So whenever that happens, there's a couple of things that can mean. It can mean I'm processing or I'm afraid this is gonna turn into a fight.

Michelle Moore 32:31

That's really good. I I like that.

Daniel Moore 32:33

And I've been there because I did not want to fight. I did not want a conflict. And as Michelle said earlier, when we was early in our relationship, um, if I didn't want to go down that road, then I would try my best to change the subject and move on away from it and try to, oh, we'll talk about this later, but never come back to it. You know, uh, there's a a lot of different ways that you can uh communicate with silence towards an issue.

Michelle Moore 32:58

And the reason why I said I like that is because I like the meanings that that you just said. I mean, because a lot of times when it's silence, a lot of people don't, you know, they don't recognize that people are processing. You know, they're just like they're ignoring me.

Scottie Albious 33:14

And you know what? I agree.

Silence, Safety, And Processing

Michelle Moore 33:16

They're gonna think whatever they want to think, you know. But I mean, honestly, a lot of people do have to process it.

Daniel Moore 33:22

Yeah. So and another one here, Scottie, this one's gonna really trigger you, I think. There you go. Okay, yeah. As as guys, it's really triggering we need to talk. Oh. That's a rough one. Anytime I hear that, I'm like, uh oh, what did I do? I screwed up. I did something wrong.

Scottie Albious 33:42

Yeah, I hear I did something incredible, and she wants to celebrate that. I guess I I'm just she's glaring at me.

Daniel Moore 33:50

I'm the guy half glass half-empty guy, aren't I? Is that what it is?

Michelle Moore 33:54

That's domestic. Yes.

Scottie Albious 33:56

Uh I gotta change my outlook. So when she says, I'm like, what did what good did I do today? Please tell me.

Daniel Moore 34:04

Yeah.

Scottie Albious 34:04

Enlighten me.

Daniel Moore 34:05

Let's celebrate me. Well, you know what you're supposed to say when that when she says that. You're supposed to say, okay, I'm listening. Yes, ma'am. Yep. What is it? Uh but that usually means something has been weighing on me and I need connection, not conflict. Wow. Is what that one means. But it can also mean other things if it's in a bad situation. That's for sure. Those are really good, man. I'm being serious. I I I like those a lot.

Michelle Moore 34:31

Those are good.

Daniel Moore 34:32

Here's another good one. It's not a big deal. Oh. I've heard that one a few times. Not a big deal.

Michelle Moore 34:39

In my past.

Daniel Moore 34:40

Yeah. That usually means it's actually a big deal, but I don't want another argument. That's usually what that one means. But our healthy response to that is if if it matters to you, it matters to me.

Scottie Albious 34:52

That's right.

Daniel Moore 34:53

I like that. And that's a way good response to that one.

“We Need To Talk” Reframed

Scottie Albious 34:56

And you know, some of these responses I think um is a way for like, okay, I I think of when I've responded with those, it's a way of me saying, I don't want to hurt you by getting in a fight. Mm-hmm. Doesn't make sense. But that's not that's not the answer. I'm just saying, because whenever you're reading those to me, I'm like, wow, that gives me a different perspective on how to respond instead of silence or instead of joking.

Daniel Moore 35:19

Yeah.

Scottie Albious 35:20

Because I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt my wife at the same time. Yeah. Those are good ways to respond, you know. But that's why I said those are really good to understand what they really mean. Yeah.

Daniel Moore 35:31

I mean, you can Google some of the you get tons of these phrases if you Google it because I think we utilize a lot of this type of talk in our communication a lot more than we think we do.

Scottie Albious 35:40

We do. I'm saying, even though we're life, you know, we're we're we're lightheartedly joking, it's yeah, it's serious, it's good stuff.

Daniel Moore 35:46

Yeah, it really is. Yeah, and I I do, I th I agree with you. I think a lot of times when we use these in a conflictive situation, it's because we're trying to escape the the consequences of that conversation without you know hurting the other too brutal. Yeah. Uh but a lot of times that you know those conflicts and stuff, we actually need to run into those.

Validation Is Not Agreement

Scottie Albious 36:06

And can I say something real quick about conflict? I think I'm speaking for men because I I struggled with it because I think it's conflict as there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. Right. Yeah. Weakness is is there's nothing vulnerability is not weakness, it's it's like I said earlier, it's wisdom. Yeah. And and who else knows how to read our vulnerability than our wives? They know our hearts. You know what I mean? They want to know our hearts. So if we're trying to seal that up and not share that, well, that's not being intimate. That's not that's not the intimacy that you're supposed to be having in marriage, which is very vital. And I say that because I've had to learn to share my heart, which my wife wants to know in those places.

Daniel Moore 37:10

Is, you know, a lot of times, especially as guys, you know, we was talking a little bit earlier. I think we might have been off the mic when we was talking about it, but uh we was talking about how guys sometimes feel like we're losing our man card. Yeah. If we give in, you know, and give in to the spouse and that kind of thing. Because that's that's kind of a society type of thing. Uh, but in all reality, validation is not agreement. Uh it does not mean that. It means acknowledging and honoring our spouse's emotional experience without endorsing their perspective or conclusions. Um that validation says, I see this as real and painful for you. It doesn't say that you're right and I'm wrong. It communicates understanding and respect, which helps the spouse feel safe enough to stay engaged rather than becoming defensive or shut down. And I like that because a lot of times it even in forgiveness, you'll hear this conversation take place sometimes. Somebody else says, I can't believe you forgave that person. That just more or less says that it's okay that they did that to you.

Scottie Albious 38:10

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 38:10

And it's like, no, that's not really what that means. Right. It's not the same thing. Right. You know, and whenever we forgive someone, you know, more often than not, of course, that forgiveness is more for us than it is for anybody. Uh, but basically, that's us being who God's called us to be. Right. Okay. And if we go into this with the prideful look and the prideful manner, I'm going to get what I want. Yep. I'm going to get the satisfaction of me winning this fight. Um, that's the person that's unforgiving. If they're not going to forgive someone, then that means they're still stuck on the fact that I'm going to win this battle someday. Right. I was done wrong and they're going to know it, they're going to pay for it. And that's not Jesus. That's that's not who Jesus taught us to be. And so we have to get that out of our minds that if we do get into conflict or an argument with our spouse, just because we give in to them, uh, you know, there's you got to look at that. There's a difference between validation and agreeing and all those different things, understanding and surrender. Right. Uh, there's a lot of things that goes into all of that. Uh we got to take ourselves out of that equation. Right, right. You know, we we got to look at it that we are more concerned about how our relationship functions and where our relationship goes from here forward. Yeah. Uh, we've got to look at all of that. That's what needs to be our heart's desire.

Covenant Over Contract

Scottie Albious 39:30

I'm so glad you said that because I think about and we've we've we've studied it and we've talked about it before. Um, you know, when it comes to conflict, when it comes to talking back and forth, communicating. And if you've got the mindset like most of us, especially us, we don't want to give in to our vulnerability, or we don't want to say, I'm not gonna give up unless you give up. I'm not putting in my part until you put in your part. You know what that is? That's a contract marriage. Right. Covenant marriage says, I'm gonna do what it is regardless to keep you protected. Through thick and thin. Through thick and thin. That's what a covenant marriage is. And then, you know, we talked about it before, and those are the differences.

Daniel Moore 40:03

So Yeah, that's awesome. Uh it it reminds me of uh the story of the woman at the well when Jesus, you know, met with her. He knew all of her sins, he knew everything that she was participating in. But what's interesting about that story, you know, us, if we were were in that situation, I know for myself especially because I grew up in a very legalistic background that's very judgmental. So back in the day, my first thing would have been if I came up to someone like that, I would have wanted to attack the sins right off the bat. Yeah. It's like, well, you need to fix this and this and this because you're going to hell. And you know, it's just all this stuff would have came out of my mouth. And Jesus didn't, that wasn't his example. Right. He came up to her and he got into her heart first. And he won he he wanted to show her where her heart condition was at and what could fix that. That's good. That was Jesus. He was the answer for all of that, and in the midst of all of that stuff, the conviction came up on her of the sins that she was partaking in. And Jesus just told her, just you're saved, you're, you know, your sins are forgiven, go and sin no more. That's good. You know, don't do that anymore. And we have to go into our relationships the same way.

Scottie Albious 41:15

Well, think about another covenant love. Jesus said, Despite your errors, despite all this, I'm gonna lay my pride down, even my life, you know, despite all that, and then we're gonna, you know, and you will be saved. And I think about our marriages too. Men, despite our pride, despite what we might think is weak, it's actually strong if we're vulnerable with our wives. Yeah.

Jesus’ Model: Lead With Heart

Daniel Moore 41:35

Yeah. Yeah, there's there's such a there's a deeper thing there that we have to strive for. Yes. It's marriage isn't easy. No, it's a lot of work, it's work from day one, but it's up to us on how that how we look at that. Yeah. You know, we can hate our job or we can love our job, basically. Marriage is the same way. Marriage is work also, but we can love the work we put into it or we can hate the work that we put into it. You're right. It comes back to us. That's our that's the reflection of our heart and how we are bought into this relationship that God's given us. Yes. And nobody can blame their bad relationship or their bad marriage on anybody else but themselves. Because when it comes down to it at the end of the day, uh it's up to the two people in that relationship to make sure that everything's working and that everything's fine.

Scottie Albious 42:22

I love it.

Daniel Moore 42:23

And between them and God. Yes. And I I strongly feel that, you know, there are a lot of uh married couples out there that don't have God in their relationship that seem to have pretty good marriages and probably do have pretty good marriages. But I see more often than not, though, when God's in the middle of all that, there's so much more blessing, uh, there's so much more love and and forgiveness and grace. You just you see that stuff radiate out of those relationships. Right, right. And they're so much stronger, and they fulfill that function that God's given us as married couples to be a testimony. That's good. And so, you know, another thing that that Jesus did a lot of times is uh he would listen, he would ask a lot of questions, uh, you know, he he it to Jesus it was all about the heart posture. It was all about you know getting into the very being in the core of who that person was. Yeah. Not to judge the superficial outside of what we what he's seen. Um, you know, he was more after the heart.

Scottie Albious 43:25

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 43:26

And I I always like to think about that too, because you know, with Michelle and I in our relationship, uh one of the big things now, anytime we get into a conversation, whether if it's just a small argument or a disagreement, whatever it may be, I always want to look at her through God's eyes and look at her through God's heart through Jesus' heart. And, you know, I'd say, Jesus, show me who she is through you. Yeah. That's a whole different lens at that point. Yeah. I see her.

Michelle Moore 43:52

Yeah, that's good.

Practical Steps To Hear The Heart

Daniel Moore 43:53

So as we wrap up this week, there's a few things that you can can put into play, and we'll Run through these here. You can ask curious questions like, can you tell me more or what made that feel so frustrating? Watch body language and tone. You know, we can all vouch that nonverbal cues often speak louder than words. I mean, Michelle can shoot daggers sometimes just by looking at me, you know, and I can do the same thing to her. And we don't have to say a word to each other, but we can tear each other down.

Scottie Albious 44:24

Yeah.

Daniel Moore 44:25

We talked about this in one of our con our uh episodes here a while back. Uh there's a a little thing that you can do if you sit at a table, try to carry on a conversation with just body language. You you can literally carry a conversation by just doing that. Wow. Uh believe it or not, you can have a pretty good conversation doing that. And I think a lot of people don't realize that you don't have to speak. Yeah. There's so much more to com communication than just opening your mouth, uh, crossed arms, silence, raised voice, withdrawal, rolling your eyes, all of that stuff says something. Yeah. And it's not good. Right. So we have to refrain from that. Name the emotion. Uh name it, you know, call that hurt, that fear, that disappointment, that insecurity. Uh naming those emotions reduces intensity. Like, explain that. Uh so basically, we've talked about it a little bit here uh through our last through both of these episodes, basically, but when we come up and we say, well, when that happened, I felt uh hurt in that situation, or that created a fear inside of me when that took place. So I'm trying to understand where we're going, where you're going with that. You know, uh, I was disappointed if you communicate with it that way instead of pointing fingers.

Scottie Albious 45:43

And I'm gonna be honest, doing that takes practice. It does. It does. It it's tough to say, but it really does. I know it sounds weird, but you know, from my perspective as a man, I don't want to give up that pride, so it takes practice like I feel this is how I felt. Yeah. Us men we don't want to talk about our feelings, you know. Not at all. That takes practice. That's good.

Small Changes, Big Healing

Daniel Moore 46:02

Yeah, but when you name that, don't you see how that uh conversation flows so much easier? Yeah. Because that then invites your spouse into your conversation at that point to try to come to a resolution of why that happened, why I felt that way. Now here's how we need to fix this between the two of us. And it does that without pointing fingers and being judgmental to make that heart shut down. That's good. Yeah. Because we all we always have to keep our hearts open. If we get to the point where our hearts shut down, we're in trouble. Because there's no way getting in at that point. And so naming those emotions and doing it the right way is a good source of healing in our communication. Now, when emotional sub subtext is ignored, what happens over time is resentment builds, emotional distance grows, conversations feel unsafe. I think we've probably all been there at some point. I know Michelle and I went through a lot of that uh for some time there where we really couldn't communicate very well at all. And especially if we did, it seems like we hurt each other more than we built each other up a lot of times. And that's a dangerous place to be because you're married just going down the tubes at that point when all that stuff's taking place. Trust is lost, yeah. And it's hard hard to regain that back. Yeah. So but there's redemption through grace. Yes, God restores connection through humility, again, getting rid of that pride, shedding that pride off of us. And small changes lead to big healing. It's the the same concept as those little foxes spoiling the vine, is the opposite of that. Uh, those little foxes will destroy anything over time, and on the opposite side, it takes small changes to get to the big healing. I think we talked about that I think in the last episode a little bit. You can't just attack the big problem all at once and expect to fix it overnight.

Vicky Albious 47:56

Right, right.

Daniel Moore 47:57

Um, we have to attack that the same way that it was damaged. Right. So you guys have anything that you'd like to add into any of that?

Scottie Albious 48:06

Yeah, I think, you know, one definitely you you mentioned it w it takes work, and I don't say that lightly. It literally takes work whether you're explaining your feelings to your wife, you're you're you're sharing things, you're you're explaining you know, expectations or this is what I think, you know, even if they're they're they're unmet expectations, you're still communicating those things to where she can respond and then just sit back and and process it. And and even if you're saying that, well, we don't really have much issues with that in our marriage, you know, fix those things now before it gets worse down the road, and then you're gonna have to start repairing. Yeah. Start the healing process now, you know. And that's why we want to do with you guys marriage conferences, because like there were little things that were, you know, in our marriages, blending families, things like we talked about, but you know, there were things in our marriage that was great, but we still needed to learn. We still needed to so that way we knew how to come together and fix it. And that's probably why we're leading marriage ministries, honestly, and the Lord's using that. And you know, I I think think of it as an honor because it's not that we're pointing fingers, we're pointing fingers to us. Yeah, this is what happened to us. Yeah, yeah, this is how God healed this. Whether you're doing the work, you guys know whether you're doing the work at home and allowing the Holy Spirit to heal you in those areas, that's up to you. But this is what we did wrong, yeah.

Closing Encouragement And Prayer

Daniel Moore 49:30

Yeah, when we're pointing at people, there's three pointing back at us. Right. Always remember that. That's right. Yeah, it's that's a very true statement for sure. Well, we'll go ahead and and wrap this one up for this week. And as we wrap up this week, we hope that this episode reminds you that communication in marriage is about more than just words, it's about understanding the heart behind them. You know, so often what our spouse is really saying is, I need to be heard, I need to feel safe, or I need to know that you're with me. When we slow down, listen without defending ourselves, and seek understanding before responding, we create space for that deeper connection. You know, Proverbs 1813 tells us that answering before listening is foolish. Michelle shared that scripture earlier. But when we choose to listen well, we honor both our spouse and the God who designed marriage. So this week, as we leave, we encourage you to listen a little longer, ask one more clarifying question, and assume the best about your spouse's heart. You might be surprised at how much understanding changes that conversation. So thank you guys again for being here for another episode. We appreciate that. I've really enjoyed this one. Uh, this is a good one. Gonna go ahead and call it good for this week. And as we go, we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode. This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.