Kelsey is joined by another Kelcey as we discuss sucking at self care this week. Kelcey and Kelsey discuss parenthood and the struggle that comes with making time for yourself, as well as little things that don't cost anything but can also be called self care (like sitting in your amazing backyard).
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And don’t forget to leave us a review and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever else you listen to podcasts.
You can also connect with @StoryShout on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram. Kelsey is @wonderwall7 on Twitter.
Kelsey is joined by another Kelcey as we discuss sucking at self care this week. Kelcey and Kelsey discuss parenthood and the struggle that comes with making time for yourself, as well as little things that don't cost anything but can also be called self care (like sitting in your amazing backyard).
To learn more about StoryShout podcast advertising opportunities and guest openings, visit us at StoryShout.co
And don’t forget to leave us a review and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever else you listen to podcasts.
You can also connect with @StoryShout on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram. Kelsey is @wonderwall7 on Twitter.
You're listening to the story shout podcast hosted by Kelsey Jones. We're a weekly podcast dedicated to destigmatizing failure, and laughing and our normalcy. Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review on iTunes. Hi, everyone, Welcome to Story shout. My name is Kelsey Jones and I am joined today by another Kelsey. Kelsey drap. She's someone that I met, I think at conferences, marketing conferences throughout the years. And so I'm so excited to have her on Kelsey. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to talk to you today. I know me too. It's been a while. Yes. So Kelsey, what do you suck at? I suck at self care. Nick one, isn't it? It is a big one. I think it's one that a lot of people, it's very easy to push aside for a lot of people. And something that if you don't focus on it, you'll never get to it but not focusing on it and never getting to it also impacts how things go for you in the future, I think. Yeah, that's a good point. I have a post it note on my monitor, actually, that says my future self depends on my present self. That makes me think I love that. So one thing I wanted to ask you about when you propose this topic is a while back, and I think it was in a book or something. There was I read about this concept that self care isn't the same for everybody. Like, when you think of it in society, it's more like, oh, you know, for women, especially it's like, oh, a warm bath and reading a book. And but this, this book, or wherever I read it was talking about, that's not always the case. Like sometimes self care is different for each person. So I'd love to hear like what you would consider self care. Yeah, so it's actually perfect that you bring that up, because I've actually been kind of redefining what I think self care is, for me, especially since becoming a parent, you get very much into this mode of, if I just get to take a shower today that self care, when like, really, that's the bare minimum. And that's not I mean, it's, it's good to take a shower, but it's not doing something special for yourself, it's doing the bare minimum, and a lot of times doing the bare minimum is not sustainable. And it was really tough when my son was first born, because, you know, he was not independent at all, you know, as a newborn, you know, they can't lift their head, they can't do anything themselves, they can't even sit up. So doing self care in some seasons of life, I think is harder than others. And so you have to find ways to really modify what that looks like. So like, for me, at that time, self care might look like going to target and having a moment where I listened to music. And I may not even buy anything, but I'm just not sitting in my house with a baby screaming at me. You know, and now that my son's a little bit older, and I can leave him alone for longer periods of time, or you know, we can get a babysitter or whatever self care looks like going and getting my nails done, going to a movie and having a glass of wine, and doing something that is not necessary for survival. But that gives me a lot of peace or joy or fulfillment, sometimes self care is going on a long walk, and listening to really fun dancing music. At the same time, someone else that might sound like a horrible idea, you know, or maybe they want their self care is going to the gym and working out for three hours. To me, that sounds awful. But to someone that might be great to someone else it might be you know, hanging out with a friend or, you know, for some people it might be instead of just taking a shower, taking a really long bubble bath and doing a face mask and a hair mask and stuff like that. So I think it's really important to for individuals to find what self care means to them, whether it and even if it is, you know, periodically, just that five minute shower, you know, use a really good smelling soap, or moisturize really well afterward give yourself even in those moments of minimal self care, find something to make it quote unquote luxurious and special and something beyond the norm because I think those treats are what really making it a treat is what really makes it a part of your care and not just part of your survival. Yes, I love that. i When you were talking about your favorite types of self care, one thing I thought of and I've talked about this with a good friend of mine is we love to sit in our car and just like listen to music or like before you go in somewhere we both realize that both of us will sit in our car. And it's like, I don't and I realized that my car is the only thing that's completely mine. So like my house I share with my husband and my son and every room anybody can go in, but your car is kind of like it's yours and if course my husband drives it and can drive whenever he wants. And my son has his car seat in there, but it's like almost like a little bubble that's yours. And so it made me think of this story. When I was on maternity leave, one day was just a really hard day. So my husband came home and I said, I got it. I'm like, I'm out for a few hours. Like, I you got you got a kid? Like, I gotta go. So I went and got ice cream. And I don't know, I think it might just be a Midwest thing. But Culvers is an ice cream place. Do you have Colbert love Culvers would not very many, but we have a couple. Okay, so into clovers, and I got ice cream. And I don't get ice cream a lot, because it kind of makes makes my stomach hurt. But like, sometimes that's just exactly what you want. So I get my covers, and I just sit in my car in the parking lot. And I listen to music. And I look across the parking lot. And I see another woman, I would assume a mom because she has a minivan. And she's doing the exact same thing. She's by herself eating her ice cream, her car's parked, we make eye contact, we both at the same time, lift up her ice cream like cup, like as a toast to each other. And I did not know her. And I will remember that moment, like, as long as I live because it was like we both are like, Okay, I completely see you and you're doing great, it's going to be okay. And we like you know that our little toast. And like those kind of moments to me where I can be by myself are really like self care to me. Because absolutely, I think especially when you're a manager, or you're like in charge of a lot of projects, at least for me as an introvert. It's very draining. And so like to be able to be by myself and do something I enjoy is really self care to me. I totally, I love that story. And I think to kind of piggyback on that not only is it important to have those moments of being alone, and really in tune with what you need, because I'm an extrovert and so I am very much fulfilled by helping other people. But at the same time, if I'm not helping myself, I can't help other people to the fullest. And having those moments where you work on yourself so that you can better serve others and or you see others in the same season of life or the same position and noticing each other. Sometimes all like see another mom like struggling at the grocery store her kids throwing a tantrum and just like saying something like I see you Mom, you're doing a great job. Like, that makes people's whole day. And so I think another part of self care can be being in community with people who whether you know them or not, who are also in need of a little boost. I know that goes with like saying something like that to another parent, or, you know, someone saying something like that, to me, it does a lot for my soul. And I think that's really important to have that communal kind of like, Hey, we're all in this together. Like, you know, not to be cheesy, but, but that's an important part of the human experience. I think. Yeah, I love that. I I make it a point if I ever noticed someone's nails because I love always having my nails like painted or whatever I use, like press ons or the little nail wraps now, but if I noticed cute nails, like I always point them out absolutely, or someone I see or like a cute sweater because I know that they've probably put effort into that and and they get excited about that especially like really, you know, ornate nails, I know that that's something like they really care about and I just like being able to acknowledge that I hope that it it helps them like see that, you know their effort and their passion is seen by other people. Definitely that's exactly my thought on it too. One thing I wanted to ask you I know we've talked a lot about our the struggle of self care like as a parent, but did you struggle with it before being a parent? I did, I am I get a lot of fulfillment out of taking care of others. And my love language is gifts and quality time. And I use those aren't excuse me not get some quality time gifts and acts of service because to me an act of service is a gift of your time and not in I hate what a lot of people don't like to hear about guests as a as a love language like yourself that you'd want people to buy you stuff. But it's not that to me, it's very much you were you went out of your way to think about me and to spend part of your day doing something for me, whether you bought something or brought me dinner or anything like that, to me that is a huge, selfless act to do. And that is a way not only that I receive love that I like to give love so for me, I am very much fulfilled by checking in on my friends. Um, you know, it's funny, we're talking about pre parent and like post or be before being a parent. And now now that I'm a parent, I'm actually a lot worse at it. And because I'm just so focused on my kid, but before I was a parent, a lot of a lot of my time was spent thinking about how can I serve this person? And it was just something that brought me a lot of joy and I always say like, I like to help people but it's very selfish. I get a lot of fulfillment out of it. But at the same time, you know I'm someone that struggles with ADHD and with bipolar disorder and anxiety. And so a lot of times I would, I would also be doing these things to really, I guess, suppress some of the concerns that were happening in my mental health. And suppressing those concerns is also like the, like, anti self care, right. And so sometimes I think a lot of my problem in the past and past probably still is using others and helping others as a crutch, to not have to focus inward. And I think that's probably my biggest problem. Because if I'm not taking care of myself, I'm only giving smaller portions to other people. And sometimes, something that I have said to many people, and that I have to daily remind myself of, is it's okay to be selfish. And it's okay to, you know, go not all the time, obviously, but go splurge and buy yourself something cute, go get the fancy nails done, go have the fancy wine, you know, whatever, whatever that look, whatever that splurge looks like for you doing that can can do so much for your own psyche, that that's really important to keep living life to the fullest. So I would say that's probably my biggest thing, before becoming a parent that I really focused on was just like everybody else in my life, and I never focused on myself. And now I'm having to learn to balance that a lot more. And I still want to serve others, but it's like, okay, but if my life's not in check, how can I help anyone else? You know, find their fulfillment? Yeah, that's really insightful of you to know that about yourself. It makes me think about in 2020, you know, when quarantine started, there was a meme, you know, a little bit Munson that was like, Oh, we finally have like, the first time in our, our, you know, society's experience to like, sit and reflect on ourselves. But instead, we all thought, oh, you know if that we're going to learn how to make bread, and like, learn how to quilt or whatever, because NPH is going like stir crazy. And it really made me think about that, because I think I do that too. Like you were saying, like kind of using helping people as a crutch. But I think I love to help people too. But I think my crutch is like, I always think about the future, I don't think about the present. So that helps my anxiety. Like, if I could plan out all my future, I would, and I it gives me anxiety that I can't do that. So I think like the way I coped in 2020 is like, I got an MBA, I started like grad school, which I'd want to do for a long time. But I think I like wanted something instead of just sitting with myself. And I think 2021 I did a lot of work to really feel more comfortable with feeling my feelings. And I think what you brought up like, allowing yourself to do that really is probably the ultimate form of self care. Because if you think of self care at a surface level, it goes back to like massages, or bass or face masks or nails, like we were talking about. But like you said, True Self care really is allowing yourself to feel your own emotions and your thoughts. I think if you don't do that, anything else that you're trying to do to like, I'm doing air quotes, like relax yourself, or make yourself feel good, at some points that really won't fully feel relaxing, or as a gift to yourself, if you're not true to yourself with like how you're feeling in the moment. 100% Yeah, you have to get out of your own head to really get the benefit of self care, because that's totally something I'm guilty of, I'm in the middle of like, I love to do like at home spa days. So I love to, you know, do a face mask and then do a different face mask and to do a toner and like, you know, do a whole thing. I'm like, Oh, look, I'm glowing, you know, I love to do stuff like that. But in the middle of that, after, you know, while I'm waiting for the mask to dry or whatever, am I sitting there and reading a book or listening to music or doing something that's enjoyable? Am I sitting there and thinking about the next thing that I have to do? Totally can relate to that I am very I'm similarly I'm very much into the next thing. And so I was pregnant during the start of the pandemic's during most of 2020. And then same thing for you in 2021. I had to kind of reevaluate and look at, okay, I have a baby now. And he's gonna grow up so fast. And while I'm so excited for like, I'm thrilled for him to be able to do all these new things and go play and run around. And that's going to be a whole nother, you know, ballgame in terms of my life. There are times when it's like, wow, it was just a couple of weeks ago that he learned to do this thing. And now I'm already acting like it's no big deal. Like I need to sit in these moments, whether it's with my son or with my husband or at work, and really appreciate this moment that I'm in and I think another thing that I've really been working on the last probably six months or so and that I really want to work on going forward into 2022 is gratitude. I think practicing gratitude is a huge part of self care and Just not not even necessarily like, whether that's praying or, or meditating or whatever, whatever it is that helps you realize what you've got in your life, that's great, I think is so important to your overall health. Because like, for me personally, like, like I mentioned, I've got a number of mental health issues, the pandemic was terrible for everybody. We've got family members passing away, and you are having political arguments of people. And if you can't sit in the moment, and not not at all to minimize the struggles that people are going through, not at all. But if you can't take a moment, every now and then to say, Wow, I have a beautiful family, I have my health, you know, I live in a house that I'm comfortable and I can I can afford electricity, you know, whatever that looks like for you. Having those moments of saying, Wow, I really do have blessings in my life is so important for recognizing what you need to do and where you need to go. And and I think that does a lot for your mental health. And for your self care, in general, just having gratitude and practicing being aware of it, because like, you're gonna have days that suck and like, you know, that you're not practicing self care, and that you're, that you are thinking too far into the future. But every now and then to take a moment going, Wow, I have a pretty incredible life. Does so it does so much for me. And it's something I'm learning to get better at doing more often. Yeah, I love that. And I, I think since 2021, like I really worked on my mental health, you know, so we're recording this in January. And of course, you know, as far back as I can remember, in January, I always was like, Okay, I'm gonna have some resolutions, I'm gonna have some goals, you know, but this year, I kind of was just like, I just want to chill. Like, I want to have a goal, I want to like do what makes me happy and spend time with my family and friends. But that's not really, I don't even want to put a resolution around it. Like, you know how they say like, oh, text, a friend, you know, five friends a week or go to lunch once a week, like, I would always try to make it a SMART goal, you know, that the acronym or whatever. But I mean, into 2022, I just want to not do anything. And that's very counterintuitive to me. Because I think the way I've grown my career and all the stuff the successes I've had has been because I've always been the future focus, like we talked about, but this year, you know, it, there's already so much uncertainty with the new COVID variant, and you know, what's gonna happen next, and all that stuff, like, I don't really want to work on myself. And that sounds bad. Like, I always want to be learning and growing. But instead of putting goals on myself, I just want to like, be happy with where I'm at. And to me that's, that's ultimate self care is like, being happy with where I'm at instead of obsessing about where I'm going. Yes, I I too, am very goal oriented. I am the type of person that has like a notebook with a checklist in it on my desk at work. I have checklists in my phone, multiple checklists like things to do around the house, things to do, when I go shopping, things that I need to do for other people. And, and having that is great for organization. And it's really necessary for me, because I'm not very organized. But it also was incredibly daunting. Sometimes having too many goals, especially if they are not smart goals, like like you said the acronym if they're if they're not very measurable at all. And it just becomes this big, looming anxiety. And I think that's a problem that I've had a lot, especially with setting new year's resolutions, I love that you brought that up, because I also didn't set a firm one I like want to be healthier. That is so broad. But to me, being healthier doesn't just mean like working out, or eating more, it's spending time by myself, it's spending time with my family, it's taking a moment when you know, I need to take a break, like the laundry will be there tomorrow, like the to do list will be there tomorrow, it's taking moments to just really focus inwardly. And truly, I guess the ultimate way to do that, like we're talking about here is to engage in self care. And that looks so going back to that earlier question that looks different in so many ways. Sometimes it literally is, I'm going to put the dishes away tomorrow, right? This minute, I'm gonna sit here and read a book with my kid, or I'm going to watch this trashy TV show or you know, whatever it is, it's having that moment to fulfill whatever need needs to be fulfilled, whether that's working out whether that's eating, right, whether that's taking a moment to yourself, What if that's going to target and listen to stupid music, you know, whatever that is. That's my, quote unquote, goal for 2022. And I, it's not something I wrote down or like, every year, you know, like most people, oh, I'm going to lose weight this year. You know, I have all my baby weight still. And I gained weight after college and all that and I'm just I'm going to lose, you know, 50 pounds like, Yes, that sounds awesome. But if that is the only thing that I'm working towards, I'm going to get burnt out, burnt out on that and under two weeks, because I do it every single year. I can't that can't be the sole focus of what my self care looks like. You know, because the mental, the mental fuels the physical. And so I completely agree with you You know, having having goals is great, but they need to be something that ultimately benefits you and doesn't make you even more tired. Yes, I love that. And I, I last year, I started working with the nutritionist because I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism, low thyroid, and then I've eczema. And it was really bad all over my face. And it started in 2020 Being that bad. And so the nutritionist was like, I don't want you to weigh yourself, and I don't want you to track food. And I had been tracking my food since college when I had gained weight. So like at this point, at that point, like 15 years, maybe I had been tracking and nothing happened, like I would lose weight and then gain it back. And then because I'm like an emotional eater, and just to not do that was probably the best self care I could have done last year. I'm curious, did you find because I similar similarly, I was religiously tracking calories and macros. Even when I was gaining weight, I still had to know this is what I'm eating. This is the number of calories I burned. When I went for a walk this afternoon. And it wasn't doing me I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried Noom, I've tried all the different, you know, and I, I still have a calorie tracking app on my phone. I just don't use it as religiously. But I was finding that the more obsessive I was about tracking those things, the less weight I would lose. And the more I don't know, pain, I would feel about that goal. I decided to just let it go. And just you know what if I'm fat, I'm fat. And but I decided, you know, I want to make active decisions to go for a walk more or to eat smaller portions, but not obsess over what that looks like. And I found that I actually lost more weight. By not doing that. Like I stepped on the scale. One day at the doctor's office, I was like holy crap, I've lost 10 pounds, I haven't done anything to lose 10 pounds. But it wasn't this obsession that I was focused on. And that's tying it back to self care. That's another thing. It can't be your self care can't become your obsession needs to be natural. Because if you try to orient everything towards a goal, you know, it becomes instead of a positive tool becomes a really hurtful tool, I think, exactly like self care can't be like an item on your to do list that you check off. Oh, that's a quote. I love that. I think that's what I used to do is like, I got to fit in self care. Okay, where is it on my schedule, I'm gonna block out time or make it to do list. And that's just doesn't work. You literally just gave me chills, because that is such an important realization that it took me I'm almost 30 I don't mind sharing that. It took me the better part of the last probably 25 years to figure out that you can't force self care, because that just makes it's it's counterintuitive. It just makes it another like you said another task on your to do list like well, that literally gave me chills, cuz that's exactly what I'm learning right now. I love that. Yeah. And with the nutritionist, like I went on a protocol, it was kinda like whole 30 Basically, just to identify the foods that were flaring my thyroid and my eczema. But we did it from a place of like, caring about myself and how I felt not about weight, which is do you like cuz I've done whole 32 times before, but it was always like, I'm going to kickstart my weight loss and I'm going to lose 20 pounds, always I'm going to lose 20 pounds, you know. And this was from a place of like, feeling better, because I was so miserable with energy and all this other stuff. And we actually saw that work. Like I actually felt so much better. And I'd meet with the nutritionist and she'd say, how many headaches have you had since we met? And I'm like, well, actually, none. And I when headaches were like a part of my life almost daily for many years and the same with like, I'd have muscle tightness in certain places or whatever. And to see like changing my diet transform how I felt instead of when I tried to change it before it was about weight loss was just like really, like really meaningful to me. And now going into a new year I'm not perfect with how I eat or whatever. But I'm not I still don't know if I lost any weight since I started working with them. With her. It's it's about like how I feel and that's kind of going back to the self care like self care should be about how it makes you feel not what you think you should be doing. If I saw the nutritionist thinking going into it thinking I'm seeing a nutritionist so I can lose weight. That's not going to be helpful to me. I went into it thinking how it's going to make me feel so that same things that are self care to me like we have a lake by our house. That's pretty close, like a two or three minute drive to drive to can't really walk to it. Um, that's self care to me, it's to go to that lake and either just sit in my car or bring a blanket and sit, you know, right by it. I brought my laptop out there to work or they have like a little hiking trail. That to me It's like, I'm not doing that for exercise or like for any other reason, then that is one of my Happy Places. So I try to think about where's where am I happy places, either mentally or physically and, and how can I go there as much as possible? Absolutely love that. Yeah, you hit the nail on the head, like I, I have spots like that where I go. And it's like this is just where like, one of them's my backyard. Sometimes I go to sit outside. And it's not even like a super nice backyard. Like, it's not like there's something cool back there, but it's quiet. And we have a wind chime. And I love my wind chimes. And I sit, I listened to the wind chimes quietly blowing in the breeze, my dog usually sits next to me with a little outdoor couch out there. I sit there and I drink my coffee. And I just be and sometimes that is the most refreshing fulfilling moment, to just have a moment where you're just being and not felt like it's there. I'm not great at meditating. Probably cuz I have ADHD. I'm just like, you know, thinking, What do I do next? What I do next? What am I speaking about? I don't know, what am I meditating on. But just to sit there and just observe sometimes is the best therapy, I think, you know what I mean? Yeah, and, and even just being somewhere, I think is a form of meditation, totally being aware of your surroundings. One of my favorite self care things is, by our house, there is a massage place. That's like very casual, like, you could just walk in and get a massage. But every, they always do such a great job. And I know that's such a privilege, like be able to, you know, afford to do a massage, but that's almost meditative to me, because I can't look at my phone. And I have to, like, just lay there. And my brain really struggles with that, and probably the first 15 minutes. And then the rest of the time. Like there's been times I've thought of really good ideas, and I wasn't even trying to it was like, just being in the moment has been really helpful for me with like, maybe I process something or I thought of something I'd forgotten. And I'm not trying to do that. But I think just being present and enjoying the massage kind of lets my mind like work through things. And that's almost been like a form of like meditation. For me. It's like, forcing myself not to go anywhere and just be in the moment and enjoy it and, and it just you come out feeling like so much better about everything. Absolutely. Yeah. And I like I like that point, you know, like, you absolutely are right that things like a massage and getting our nails done having a fancy glass of wine things that you and I both mentioned. Those are forms of indulgence that require money. And, and I think it's really important to to note that. And I think you agree that indulgence doesn't have to be financial. There are definitely ways to take care of yourself. Like I said, sitting outside is when my favorite things to do. I'm like a nice cool, like, I live in Texas, so it's really hot most of the year. But on a nice cool morning, you know what's in the 60s or 70s? Just to sit outside with my dog and just listen to my windchime that is so indulgent. Do you know how many people don't sit still ever? You know what I mean? Like that is so indulgent. My baby's taking a nap. My husband might be taking a nap. I'm just sitting out there enjoying that moment. That is that feels so rich to me. And I think that's an important note for anyone listening that you know is like why can't afford that or that's, that's a luxury I don't want to spend money on totally get that totally respect that. There are definitely ways to be indulgent that don't cost you a dime. Yes, good point. Good point. Very good point. And I agree. I remember when I was little while little, like probably 12 or 13. I go and lay on our driveway. Like our driveway had like this slight Hill. And in the summer. I love summer. I know it's hot as hell. I'm thinking, Oh, the humidity, I'm sure as you know is like so bad. But I would lay in the summer when the sun would go down. I just lay on our driveway. And that was like, I didn't know what like that was self care to me is like, I really like the sensation of laying on the ground. And I don't know if it's like a sensory thing, but like, it feels like my muscles relax. And so I'd go and lay on the driveway. And a couple of times when I first started doing it, neighbors would like ask if I was okay. But once they saw me like, do it. They're like, Oh, she's just chillin. No, I mean, I love that. And I think this may sound kind of woowoo hippie ish. But I mean, to me, I think of like the savasana pose in yoga every now and then if I'm really feeling stressed out, and I want to do something that I like, to me, good deep breath is very cleansing. And so when I'm really feeling upset and I want to move, but I also want to relax at the same time I do yoga, and the savasana pose is the corpse pose. And what you're doing is literally just laying on the ground with your eyes shut. And to some people like Well, that's stupid. You're just laying there and sometimes people fall asleep. But what I find is that it's literal. Really, an air quotes grounding to do that I can literally feel and they'll they'll sometimes yoga instructors will tell you like, imagine yourself sinking into the floor becoming one with the floor, and you literally feel your body becoming heavy. And that is in and of itself a practice of mindfulness because you're paying attention. You're you're in tune with what's going on in your body. So I love that you lay on your, your driveway, because that's absolutely a way to be in touch with what you're feeling and to feel the warmth on your skin and to have the colors in the sky like, God, that sounds amazing.