The Witch Bitch Amateur Hour
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The Witch Bitch Amateur Hour
We Died
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What is the meaning of 73?
Today, we peer into the future and plan the last party we'll ever have... And we give a grave warning of what NOT to play at our funeral.
Help out THE Corey B!
https://gofund.me/6302750f9
Yule "Advent" Calendar
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Essence of Summer : Mini Fire Scrying readings
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Anahatas Purpose (Code : churchofjim)
anahataspurpose.com/events/anahatas-purpose-2022
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We are not doctors, lawyers, or professionals. We’re amateurs. Nothing we say should be taken as advice, instruction, or seriously. Any actions taken based on our content can and will lead to chaos, injury, existential crises, your pets no longer loving you, and possibly death. We make no promises and assume no liability.
We're in front of a live audience again today, if you will. I like that phrasing better than we were live streaming and we're looking at chat. I let live audience sounds like an old TV show.
SPEAKER_02Hit the applause button. We're in front of a live audience today, and what do you all think?
SPEAKER_04Oh good.
SPEAKER_03Oh. It just ended. Anyway, uh I'm keeping those sound effects right near me. You know I am.
SPEAKER_02Speaking of a drum roll, I have news. Uh first.
SPEAKER_03Uh-huh. That's how a drum roll works.
SPEAKER_02I don't know, dude. I've never had one done for me before. Anyway, um, first I want to talk about Corey B, the one and only tweeter, official tweeter of Wabah. Not that anyone uses that shit fucking website anymore. Whoa. Is it still a thing? I don't know. I don't care. It's just funny to say. Anyway, Corey B finally graduated grad school.
SPEAKER_03Unfortunately, uh I already hit clapping by the time.
SPEAKER_02Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! My cousin graduated grad school. They're now an official therapist person. Holy shit, dog. However, when you graduate, there is a months-long process where the the government has to certify you and get you your certification and your license. And that takes time. And guess what you can't do during that time? You can't do your job.
SPEAKER_03Be a therapist.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Be a woman.
SPEAKER_02So Corey has been hustling for the three months that that took. And all the hustle money has been put towards bills. And I know if you follow them, it looks like they're out having a good time with all the events they post. They're working at that event. However, they're at the point where the bills have overridden the hustle. And so we gotta help Corey out. And there is a link to the GoFundMe down below. Corey helps everyone. Corey is one of the people I turn to if I have an issue where I need to spill my guts or freak out about something. They do that for us.
SPEAKER_03I understand that you have uh bullied them into this.
SPEAKER_02So Yeah, I yelled at them yesterday morning until they said, okay, fine, do go fund me.
SPEAKER_03I literally yelled, let people love you. Let's prove that bullying works.
SPEAKER_02Go down to the link below and donate to help our beloved cousin, Corey B, stay afloat until they get enough clients that they are helping to stay afloat.
SPEAKER_03Now, it's unethical to be your friend's therapist, isn't it? Isn't that a thing? Suddenly we're in a better help commercial.
SPEAKER_01Hey, been there, done that. I know. We learn, you know?
SPEAKER_03Um so that's okay, that's the first announcement announcement. Uh next up.
SPEAKER_02Announcement number two. We have Advent boxes, except we don't celebrate Advent box Advent because we're not Christians. Anyway, we have a 12 days of Yule box that's gonna go out. And if you bought everything in the box separately, it would be over a hundred bucks in our merch shop. Plus, some of it isn't even available because I'm not doing all that. But if you get the box, it's only 50 bucks and you get 12 days worth of presents that can uh who? Charlie and I said my own name.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I thought you were gonna call me Karen. No, Karen and I.
SPEAKER_02We have selected and or made 12 cool things, and you'll get them, and they're packaged separately. Like you can't see what they are until you open it. So can you open them all the day you get them? Yes, you can do whatever you want. I'm not the boss of you most of the time. Or you can do it one day at a time.
SPEAKER_03What what is your strategy for doing uh an advent or whatever this type of calendar? I am strictly a I open day one on day one, I open day two on day two. I want to then I forget.
SPEAKER_02And then after that I forget. And so by like day 73, I remember, and then I go and eat all the candy on day 73, even though it's really old by then. That's what I do. I eat like three or four, forget because that's how my brain works, because nothing stays in it. And then I'll find the box later and eat the rest of it.
SPEAKER_03I I love a couple of things here. A, we're assuming that this is a food-based advent calendar.
SPEAKER_02What other kind would I get?
unknownI don't know.
SPEAKER_01I thought you were gonna be like, what other kinds are you doing?
SPEAKER_02There's no food in ours, by the way.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03But do you remember the person at Anahata's who made that fucking tight ass like caramel candy? Mm-hmm. Oh, we should- I just want some of that. That's my whole point. It has nothing to do with advent calendars or anything. Anyway, check them out.
SPEAKER_02Coming to Ahana's, please bring us more caramels.
unknownDo oh god, fuck, please.
SPEAKER_03Oh, the hot ones. Um are these limited in quantity?
SPEAKER_02They are. At this point, there were 20, and now we've sold 10. So there are only 10 left. And we're doing pre-sales because we need time to make the things, and we need time to know how many of them we need to make. And sometimes oils take a while to make. You can't just craft a witch oil in 73 minutes. Apparently that's my new number, 73 right now.
SPEAKER_0373. I wonder what the meaning of that is. Someone let us know. All right. Do we have uh we uh that will be linked uh below as well. Uh if you're looking for a gift for yourself or a future maybe little Yule gift, check it out. Do we have another announcement?
SPEAKER_02Yes, finally, in about nine days, you and I start our trip to Anahada's purpose.
SPEAKER_03I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna take a greyhound bus to El Paso, Texas.
SPEAKER_03That is a country song, if I've ever heard it. Brother, are you kidding me?
SPEAKER_02I wish I was, frankly, because I don't really want to take a greyhound bus anywhere. But El Paso. And that means um we're not gonna be around for a little bit. So for a month, you get to hear our favorite episodes, and we're gonna tell you why we love them. Yeah. Beginning of the episode, and then you get to listen to it to see if you agree or not.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Uh I like to call these the forgotten favorites. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Sometimes when I like if I need self-soothing, I will just play these episodes and like take a nap.
SPEAKER_03I won't because I don't want to hear my own ass, but I do that with other people's stuff. So do that with our stuff, maybe.
SPEAKER_02Well, none of these involve my voice.
SPEAKER_03You don't know what my favorite episodes are. That's true.
SPEAKER_02None of mine involve my voice.
SPEAKER_03Um, I wish none of mine could involve my voice either. Dude, I still, after all of these years, hear myself talk, and there's a part of me that's just like it's not as bad as it is in the beginning, but same. Daddy McDead guy.
SPEAKER_02If you want to join us at Anahada's Purpose, tickets are still available at Anahada's Purpose.com. You can use code Church of Gym to get ten dollars off.
unknownTight.
SPEAKER_02And then after that, we're gonna be in Tucson together October 10th for the Witches Bazaar. And if you're in Tucson or want to come down here, we might be going to do something really cool Friday morning before that. So message. Is that the thing that I am thinking it is? Does it involve the fingies and some fur? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what that sounded like now that I'm thinking about it. It's animals.
SPEAKER_03A little couple of hairy fingers. Oh my god. Uh so with that, did we did we say we're in front of a live audience today? We did. Uh we said we were a little with in front of a front of a live audience. When we come back from our breakslash the forgotten favorites, and this big super busy time of the year for us is a little calmed down, uh, we will return to uh normality a bit. But today, we have something not normal at all. In fact, I think a lot of people No, no, I want to walk that back. I think a lot of people think about this in in some way or another. Um we got the idea from when we did our music, musical life and music episodes. Uh fill fill them in on the weird kind of bummer shit we're talking about.
SPEAKER_02Well, you talked about life and music, so what do you think I'm gonna say next? It's death in music.
SPEAKER_03Oh.
SPEAKER_01Oh. That might be. What a mashed potatoes so much, dude. Uh I think mashed potatoes are folk music. It's gotta be.
SPEAKER_02Anyway, uh I was thinking Detroit Pizza?
SPEAKER_01Motor City music. What is that? No. What is that music called? Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02There's a song called The Mashed Potato.
SPEAKER_03Oh, uh, oh, uh, like you can mash potato. You can do the twist. Uh oh yeah.
SPEAKER_02Do we I don't there's a name for that kind of music, but I don't remember what it is right now.
SPEAKER_03Oh shit, fuck.
SPEAKER_02Anyway, we're talking about our funeral music, music we want, played at our funeral, and music that if you play our at our funeral, we'll come after you in the afterlife and make it very unpleasant for you to be alive. I will anyway.
SPEAKER_03Uh I will. And I feel like my reasoning on my songs that I'll kill you for for playing at my funeral are similar. I have two, and I might think of a third, but I have two that will get you in the dead box from me. But the it's for the same fucking reason. But let's we'll get there when we get there. Um the dead box. You know, the dead box. I'm going to bring up my notes.
SPEAKER_02I gave Charlie a limit of 10. I do not have 10 songs on mine.
SPEAKER_03So that was a limit for me. Now I get it.
SPEAKER_02Uh I knew I wasn't gonna have more than 10, but I was like, I can't we can't do what we did last time and have 70 See 73 again. We could. We can't have 900 songs.
SPEAKER_03What's the meaning of 73? Somebody comment it, please, if you know. Motown! Motown.
SPEAKER_01Thank you, D.
SPEAKER_03Kick us off. We're walking into your your funeral. Which by the way, I don't want one. I don't even know.
SPEAKER_02But we're walking in to your funeral that I guess that we've put on even though you're gonna be able to do it because I'm gonna be cremated and scattered in many places.
SPEAKER_03I don't know what I want yet. I think I want that thing where they turn you into compost. I would like that, actually. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And take me to the farm. Yeah, and t or whatever. Use me to grow, you know.
SPEAKER_03Oh, use me to grow some fucking dank ass, delicious ass potatoes. That's the theme of this episode. And then eat those potatoes and carve my face into them. Curse someone. Curse someone with that potato. Yeah!
SPEAKER_02And then talk about it later on in a podcast. And then it happens again and again.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Oh, that's what I want to do.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, the living urn. Kathleen says it's the called the living urn.
SPEAKER_03But in today's scenario, it's a funeral inside of a church for some reason with a really creepy pastor guy. And your casket is open in front of everyone, and you are grotesquely painted up. Oh my god. And they gave me a perm. They gave you a perm. Your hands have been placed like this around your throat. And strangling myself in my coffee.
unknownDude.
SPEAKER_03How funny! What a funny bit! There's so many funny bits you can do when you're dead, dude. Um but then the the the the speaker comes up. Who have you ever been to a funeral who the the where the speaker clearly did not know the deceased person? Uh-huh. It's so darkly funny to me. Like, I try not to laugh because it's a funeral, but like on some level, that is so fucking funny to me. Because they just say wild shit about this. Anyway, this guy does not know you, and they say, Well, we're here.
SPEAKER_02She left us. They left us this.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Celebrate the life of one grandpa. Uh, apparently, uh, grandpa loved to listen to this song every day, would wake up and listen to this song, and they hit play, click that's not that's not what these songs are.
SPEAKER_02Minor messages.
SPEAKER_03Okay, yeah, you should probably do your own back. But uh, but he he says, we have a message from because he didn't know me, that's what he says. Exactly. That's what he says.
SPEAKER_02And then everybody's like, what? when they hear it. These are not actually very there's only one, two songs that are like favorites for me. But first is Long Breakdown by Oingo Boingo, because obviously Danny Elfman is gonna write something that uh he said this is one of the he said this is the most depressing song he's ever written.
SPEAKER_03Oof, oh, I love that off the bat.
SPEAKER_02And it is sort of uh a s a death, and it ends with the death. But it's such a pretty song. His song is beautiful, his voice is gorgeous, the music is really good.
SPEAKER_03You don't uh you don't wake up and play that song every day?
SPEAKER_02No, I used to play it a lot when I was driving back and forth to work just because it's a great song. But I have to have some oingo boingo to say the law. And this is it is the law, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Do you think at that point when when they hit play, do you think your body kind of like maybe not reanimates, but do you think there's a little flutter? It'll jerk a little bit. Yeah. There she goes.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because when I was on that road trip to Anah from Anahada, or no, to Anahadas with Sarah and Janie, they did that. I was deeply asleep in the back seat. And then I sort of heard them say, This'll wake her up. And they played on we'll we'll bring we'll bring them out of their desk. And they came back to life.
SPEAKER_03And then you just what, you hypnot jerk to back to life?
SPEAKER_02What? Huh? Like those the video of the that kid who's in the backseat asleep and then they just wake up dancing.
SPEAKER_03I was thinking, you know the one where the girl's asleep and somebody pours water on her face and she goes, hello? Yes. Alright. That's one of my favorite. I miss mine so much. Hello? Alright, set me up, set me up for mine. I'm gonna. It's my turn. We we're having a funeral right next door. Okay, we're funeral. It's a dual funeral. So the so the speaker at your funeral says, and now we take a break. I'll be right back. Over to this funeral. Pan six inches to the left, and there's my dead body. What color's your casket? Pink. Uh, it's filled with glitter. I have asked for instead of fl in lieu of flowers, I would like glitter. Because I wasn't if I'm dying, I'm taking the whole fucking environment with me. Fuck all y'all. Uh biodegradable glitter. Okay, fine, whatever. Fuck it. I don't give a shit.
SPEAKER_02I'm glad glitter.
SPEAKER_03Uh I'm kidding. I'm very much like.
SPEAKER_02Sound very dominionist of you.
SPEAKER_03I'm out. I've checked out. I'm gone. You think uh, what do you mean?
SPEAKER_02What are you, the president of the United States? Yeah, everybody's gonna remember our funeral for months because they keep finding glitter.
SPEAKER_03Yes, that's the thing.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah, where the hell did all this glitter come from?
SPEAKER_03Okay, I'm packed like a sardine into my coffin, packed with glitter, just tamped down.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god, that would be amazing.
SPEAKER_03And my head's just kind of sticking out, and I'm like you're drowning. Yeah, yeah. But I look but I've asked to be placed in like a perma smile because I'm happy to be in the glitter. That's right. They've wedged my mouth and eyes open. Like the Joker in the first Batman.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. They suture, they like suture up my lips.
SPEAKER_02So what do you what do they and here is what Charlie, here's what Charlie wanted us to remember her by.
SPEAKER_03Uh-huh. Well, I I I I figure this is like setting setting the tone here. Perhaps this is people trickle in and look at my body, add their handful of glitter to my casket or whatever. Give me an open mouth kiss on the mouth to say goodbye. Um, it is playing. Now, this was in the episode that we talked about. I have already talked about this one. Oh. But I there's no better piece than the melancholy and infinite sadness opening that little piano piece. It reminds me of my dead cat. Now it will remind you of your dead me. So I could never listen to that song again. Piano piece. Yeah. To class the join up a bit.
SPEAKER_02As they're filling in.
SPEAKER_03Filling in. And then it comes to a close, and I've asked them to then angle my head to where I'm looking at everyone in the audience. So you put marbles.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Like the googly.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So when the bass hits, they go brrrr. Yeah, it's like, have you ever seen those videos where they have the it's like these are the videos where they have they put like sand or something on really bassy speakers and you can see it vibrate. It's like that. But it's in my coffin. Yeah. But we pause that everyone's seated on my side, and I've turned my head to look at them. They installed one of those little dolls that move when they play music. No, I can't move. My limbs are absolutely encrusted with glitter. I know. That's what they've done to me. Oh yeah. We pan back over to you.
SPEAKER_02And yeah, when that bass line hits in the first the first bass line of long breakdown.
SPEAKER_03Not to be outdone, you've had yourself uh hydro uh uh what do they call that? Um oh fuck. Help me. Chat idea. I have no idea what you're talking about. Hydraulic. You know, like a hydraulic, like, yeah, you've been hydraulicized. What's your uh next song?
SPEAKER_02So after they play long breakdown, you hear this rickety ass old man, Ralph Stanley, singing O death.
SPEAKER_04Oh death. Won't you spare me over to Hell?
SPEAKER_02Won't you spare me over for another year?
SPEAKER_03It's so good. Hell yeah. Dude.
SPEAKER_01But has to be Ralph Stanley. Well, of course. That's part of the charm. And then everybody thinks that's spared.
SPEAKER_03Are you then spared for another year? I sure am not. You're not. Because you've already ripped out all of your organs and stuff you full of chemical.
SPEAKER_02Donated them. Right. Right. Truth. Including skin. So that's gonna be fun for everyone with that weird doll thing moving around with no pot skin on it. Can you donate skin?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It's the biggest body part. It is your biggest organ.
SPEAKER_02And people need like skin grafts and stuff.
SPEAKER_03I never thought about that. I was just like, no way are they gonna you're skinless. This changes everything. This changes everything.
SPEAKER_02They probably don't skin you like you would a rabbit, but no, they skin you like a rabbit.
SPEAKER_03They've skinned you like in Skyrim with that mod I have where you skin the animal. And then they've put some makeup over you to make it look like skin. I want that mod. Uh I will look and see which one it is. I think it's called hunting. Um back over in uh glitter funeral town, we're gonna hear a song that I feel like no one knows. Is this a one-hit wonder? I don't care. It's cheesy. It makes me feel such nostalgia for my younger times. You know the song that's like Simium Away, Um Away, Simium Away, Um Away. It's Send Me on My Way by Rusted Root. Sime Y'am One. I like Rusted Root. I don't know if they have it, I don't know if I can name one other song.
SPEAKER_02I don't remember. I used to dance to one of their songs um when I was lived in El Paso.
SPEAKER_03Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02No, I never did that.
SPEAKER_01Well, I don't think I've ever had the body shape to do it. In my opinion. Not in every the I just plus it's like exercise.
SPEAKER_02It's so hard.
SPEAKER_03It's so hard, dude. Listen, if it was going out onto a stage and just kind of standing there, I'm in.
SPEAKER_02Are you requiring people to do some sort of conga line to that song?
SPEAKER_03They have to do something. That's how they see you.
SPEAKER_02That's how they pass the casket.
SPEAKER_03Simi. Um. Yes. I can't remember any other part of the song, but you know what I'm talking about.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03And and the thing is, they're not even passing it. They just have to pass it around the room like a beach ball at a concert and then put it back on the stand. Because I have a lot more songs to get it. Yeah, yeah. Why do you think I put so much in there? And on the bottom of my casket says something like, You better learn balance. You know, learn, y'all better be.
SPEAKER_04That's my drop me, you asshole.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you drop me, you're cursed. Thank you. Um. Over back at you at your skinless body.
SPEAKER_02So then you hear the dulcet tones of Dolly Parton singing my favorite hymn when I was in church as like a seven-year-old kid. The only time I went to church, basically, it was like with my grandparents, and my favorite song that they would sing was Swing Low Sweet Chariot because I thought they were singing about cherries, and I love cherries. Taurus Child. And I love cherries. And Dolly Parton's version is lovely. I thought about using the BB King version, but I really love Dolly's. So I went with Dolly.
SPEAKER_03I did not know that there was that she had a virgin, a virgin. I did not know that Dolly Parton was a virgin. Um R.I.P. Surprise. Jesus Christ. What an awful month. Um, you know what? I think I'm gonna pounce off you and add a a church hymn that I love for very different reasons, but fucking uh nearer my god to thee. Oh is always gonna hold a place in my heart specifically because of Titanic.
SPEAKER_01I did I'm not trying No wait. I'm leaving.
SPEAKER_02How dare you talk about that at my funeral?
SPEAKER_03I wasn't trying to Titanic trigger you, I swear you talking that's what it is. Don't talk about the Titanic at my funeral.
SPEAKER_02Don't talk about the Titanic at my funeral. That's you rocking my chair, my my empty rocking chair.
unknownDude.
SPEAKER_03You know those little pamphlets you get when you first walk into a funeral and it's got like the person's bio. It's made red letters. You've got some rules on there.
unknownFirst.
SPEAKER_03Please stop talking about the Titanic. Don't please don't talk about the Titanic. Okay, alright, alright, alright. I I stole the hem one, so it it it is uh it it is your go once more.
SPEAKER_01Um I only have two left, so Oh shit. Okay. I could I could cut one or two out of this list.
SPEAKER_02You don't have to. I'm just saying, do you want to go again? Because you just want to get one in there because I I don't know, because you did.
SPEAKER_03Uh Tonight Tonight by the Smashing Pumpkins, I think it's beautiful, and I think it ha it carries that kind of sad beauty. And I I just want people to uh they're sitting there listening to my jams, you know, and uh I just wanted to be like, you know what? This is sad, but ultimately, in a cosmic kind of way, it's all kind of beautiful. So there you go. And then immediately after that, I want Death Clock's Death Harmonic to play. It was either that or briefcase full of guts. Either way, I want a shock to the system of anyone attending my funeral. Yeah. But Death Harmonic is really pretty, it's got an orchestra. Uh uh your turn.
SPEAKER_01Uh next is kind of cliche, prayer for the dying. Remind me. How was that? By seal. It's to prayer for the dying for the dying.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yes, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_00I I like Seal.
SPEAKER_02When she said Jackson says, when you first said tonight, tonight, my head went straight to this song tonight by Hot Shell Ray. I thought of the um Phil Collins song.
SPEAKER_03Everyone's like, you know what? This can be whatever you guys want to make it. Truly, if you want. I also look, I'm calling an Audible here. At my funeral, I will have a one-hour block where people can play whatever they'd like. That's a long funeral. Uh-huh. Oh, it's an all-day fucking affair. You think you're coming to my funeral for an hour and then you're going to chilies? Fuck you. Once everyone's there, those doors are fucking locked from the outside. You're the chilies. Anyway, you think you're gonna go smash a triple dipper after my funeral?
SPEAKER_02No. Seal's voice is lovely. I want to make people cry. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Fair.
SPEAKER_01In fact. If they weren't all already Are you do you cry at a funeral? I don't go to funerals, dude. Dead people are there. Excellent. Okay. Dead people are there.
SPEAKER_02Dead people are there. Uh I don't know where dead people are gonna be at any point, but I know there's gonna be a dead person at a funeral, so I don't go to it.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna pick you up in in our in our rented van. There's gonna be a dead guy in the back. Just for fun.
SPEAKER_02Charlie, I would never speak to you again.
SPEAKER_03I know I would never do that. I would never do that. Where would I get a dead body? Where would I get a dead guy?
SPEAKER_02There's lots of guys. It doesn't take much to make them not alive. You do it just to prank me. Just yeah.
SPEAKER_03I knew she hated it. I knew she'd hate it. I risk it all. Prison, everything just for this really funny bit. Uh I want to make people cry as well. Uh so I'm gonna kick up right after Briefcase Full of Got Guts or Death Harmonic kicks off. I'm gonna play Do You Realize by the Flaming Lips? Uh, because it talks about, you know, do you realize that everybody's gonna die? Yada yada. And I I think that um it's a really pretty song. It's nostalgic for me. Uh yeah.
SPEAKER_02So my final song is closing time by Semisonic.
SPEAKER_00Closing time. Time to and boys and the girls, right?
SPEAKER_02I don't know. Okay. I just know the last line. Every new beginning starts from some other beginning's end.
SPEAKER_03That's right. Yeah. So you're really trying to make people cry.
SPEAKER_02Or think. Just makes you think a little bit. Yeah. But also, it's a song about a bar, so that's funny to me. I want them to laugh, but also have something to ponder as they leave.
SPEAKER_03People will even be like, that was uh that was a very sad funeral. Also, felt like I learned something about myself. That's my goal.
SPEAKER_02And you're ghosting. I want you to be fucking cry and then have thoughts.
SPEAKER_03Hell yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then you disappear into the afterlife. Thunder. Allow thunder. Maybe we're tempting fate here.
SPEAKER_03Maybe we should stop with this. Um my final song is gonna wrap up with Karma's Payment Plan by Modest Mouse because I think it's so fucking dark and sad, and I want to bum everybody out right before they leave. Hell yeah. I want to remind everybody I was kind of a little grease ball piece of shit in this life, and I'm probably in hell. And then I want everyone to go home and be real sad and uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_02As they try to brush all the glitter off themselves.
SPEAKER_03God damn it. Dude, this is this is this glitter plan is actually making me rethink my my uh funeral plans. I'm coming around to everything I said I would never do to force everyone that I have ever known and loved into a room and shower them with glitter.
SPEAKER_02As my last little And somebody's lucky enough, the last person. There's a glitter cannon that shoots out of the casket.
SPEAKER_03I open my mouth and the glitter cannon comes out of my mouth. Yeah. And that's how your body sets up, and then that's how you ensure that you are forever remembered. Yes. Because for years, people are gonna find glitter and they're gonna be like, oh, hot pink glitter. That was from Charlie's fucking funeral. And boom, I'm my soul's not going anywhere. I'm remembered. Yep.
SPEAKER_02Now that you've done this, though, I don't know how we're gonna move to the next part, which is songs that we will come after you if you play, because you've already come after them with the glitter.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, but that's in a good way. Like that's you don't have to worry about me showing up at the end of your bed at night. You know, like this next part. How are you going to appear to people if they play these songs at your funeral? Also, I see Jackson where you said crazy bitch by Buck Cherry, and that's so fucking funny. I would never get mad at somebody for playing that at my funeral. Can you imagine? Everyone's crying, everyone's like dressed in black and sad and oh yeah, or whatever.
SPEAKER_01However, that song starts.
SPEAKER_02And when you go upstairs, I'm gonna like touch your feet. Touch your ankles.
SPEAKER_03That's horrifying. The first one was.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so don't play this crap at my funeral because I will make you pay. Every time you try to eat your favorite food, I'm gonna freaking fart on it.
SPEAKER_03Congrats! Now your favorite food tastes like farts.
SPEAKER_02Yep. For forever. Yeah. So you know what you never ever play at my funeral or anywhere else around me, because I will cuss you out. Grandma got run over by a fucking reindeer.
SPEAKER_01That's right.
SPEAKER_02You hate that song. I fucking hate that song. It makes me enraged. Uh-huh. You go and I can't even say the wolf song, the name of the song without cussing.
SPEAKER_03I hate it so much. Can you tell us perhaps why? Is there a reason or you just hate it that much?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's fucking morbid as fuck. Sure.
SPEAKER_03And it makes me angry. Oh, that does bother you.
SPEAKER_02Well, because I think there was something about grandpa not really giving a shit, and I was like, oh you old man.
SPEAKER_03There's some Yeah, you know what? I won't read them to you, but I am going to look up the lyrics.
SPEAKER_02I think the lyrics really piss me off, and then I just don't like the sound of the song, because it's slightly twangy, and I don't like it. Elmo and Patsy.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god. Oh yeah, these lyrics. Oh boy. Oh yeah, yeah. We've all been so proud of Grandpa. He's been taking this so well. Watching football, drinking beer, playing cards with cousin Mel. Fuck that guy.
SPEAKER_02Hmm. Anyway, that's number one. I only have two.
SPEAKER_03Alright, what's the second one to never ever play at your funeral?
SPEAKER_02Anything by Rush. Whoa! That guy's voice makes me want to jab sharp objects into my fucking eardrums.
SPEAKER_03Look, we're all entitled to our opinions. And I will definitely not play it at your funeral. I love Getty Lee.
SPEAKER_01I do.
SPEAKER_03I fucking love Rush D. And that's okay. We're all different. I won't be playing it at your funeral because I don't want you to farting on my face when I'm alive.
SPEAKER_02Don't play it when I'm alive either.
SPEAKER_03Okay, good to know. Good to know, actually.
SPEAKER_02That can't be on any of the playlists that we play when on the road trip. I will run us off the road.
SPEAKER_03Frantically go delete Tom Sawyer from our playlists. Exactly. Exactly. I am I'm wow. Okay.
SPEAKER_02I've learned his voice.
SPEAKER_03Understandable. Understood.
SPEAKER_02It's like he doesn't have anything coming out of his mouth. It's all going through his nose.
SPEAKER_03Correct. Sure.
SPEAKER_02I can't, dude.
SPEAKER_03It's part of the charm. You know. If you're in if that's every rush song, by the way. Yeah. Thank you. Oh my god. Incredibly accurate. Um. So okay, the songs that you no one may play at my funeral, even in the hours time. Fuck it, two hours time that I give people to play whatever they want. Uh for the same reason, you will not be playing Born in the USA at my fucking funeral. If I hear Born in the US. I will forever, I will forever find you, no matter where you go.
SPEAKER_02That is also good to know because I love the boss. So now I know Do you?
SPEAKER_03Okay. See, I don't. But that's okay. That's fair. I actually don't have that big of a problem with any, I don't think anyway, but born in the USA can crawl inside of my vagina and die. Don't do that to yourself. Yeah, wait, why did I say that? Um and then for the same reason of I this song, when I hear this song, it feels 27 years long. I never know where the end is gonna be, and it's always way longer than I think it is, like way further away than I think it is. Fucking, I don't, I don't even who does this song. Let me look it up. Okay, Living Color, Cult of Personality. I hate that song. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's not even that I hate the way the song sounds, it's that it's so repetitive and it lasts for forever. And that's it. That's all I could really think of. That's the those are the only two that when I hear them, I go, oh, you know what? I'm thinking of one now. Because you brought this up with Christmas. If you play wonderful Christmas time, my dead body will find you simply having whatever Christmas time. No, I'll find you and I'll shit down your throat. Okay. Yeah. Um and that's my funeral.
SPEAKER_02Then everybody goes out and has you know how Irish have a wake and everybody gets blitzed.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_02There is a massive feast after mine. Are you dictating the menu or is it just sort of like, nope, I just want people to have a good time and eat. Have whatever they want. And I'll just float around and be like, ooh, ooh, ooh, I'll have some of this.
SPEAKER_03The only stipulation that I have for my feast is that it is all served on and in front of a mirror so that I might get my little delicious ghost hands on it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah. Uh and I also wish Boston Market would come back just for my funeral. It will. Because it's also dead. Is that wait, you know what? It doesn't need to come to me. You can go there forever. You have all the dead restaurants when you die. Which means Chi cheese.
SPEAKER_02Furs? Chi cheese? What is Chi Chi's? It is a terrible Mexican restaurant. That's even less Mexican than fucking be uh something the border. Beyond the border on the border.
SPEAKER_03On the border. Oh fuck off the border.
SPEAKER_02I remember Ponderosa. Western Sizzlin. My sister worked there.
SPEAKER_03Western Sizzalin. That's such a weird name. That also reminds me of Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. I hate that name. Uh what other dead restaurants are there? I don't know how to say this, so I just Googled. Google Dead Restaurant. Richie Freeze. Cheat Cheese is the first one to come up, dude.
SPEAKER_02Richie Freeze with their bacon cheeseburger. This is a very Richie Freeze. It's a local joint in Roanoke, Virginia.
SPEAKER_03Oh, oh, it was very niche. Yeah. Uh let's see. Uh, there's not really anything.
SPEAKER_02Wait, remember Kenny Rogers roasters? And they had really good cornbread.
SPEAKER_03Literally, as you were saying that, I open I saw it on the big Wikipedia list. Kenny Rogers Roasters Deliciously Healthy was the tagline.
SPEAKER_02No, that's wrong.
SPEAKER_03But they did have good. They did have good corn. Oh, don't I have to show you something? How don't I have to show you something? Okay, so Kenny Rogers Roasters tagline, deliciously healthy, also had a picture on the website that said, here is a typical plate of Kenny Rogers roasters. Where's the vegetable?
SPEAKER_02There's two pastas on that plate, dude. And a bread. I love gravy.
SPEAKER_01This was a typical Kenny Rogers plate. Where's the health?
SPEAKER_02Is it because there's not like the cup in the middle isn't just lard? It was gravy. It's gravy. I know, but it was like if it was an unhealthy plate, would it just be lard?
SPEAKER_03You're lucky that this isn't cream gravy. This is brown gravy. If it was cream gravy, it'd be unhealthy.
SPEAKER_01Yum.
SPEAKER_02I mean, I want that, to be honest. I don't like pasta salad, but I want everything but the pasta salad.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I love, oh, I'll take your pasta salad.
SPEAKER_02I want potato salad, or I want coleslaw. I don't want pasta salad. There's something about it that horrifies me. One is a chicken breast that's been fried, and one, I don't know what that is.
SPEAKER_03The one on the bottom?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, what is that? It looks like a pregnant rib.
SPEAKER_01I don't know. I don't know. Um.
SPEAKER_03Anyway, I feel like we've learned some things today. I feel like we really got to it looks like some kind of pork. Did they have pork? I don't know. I don't know anything about Kenny Rogers roasters.
SPEAKER_02For some reason, I thought it was all fried chicken. Or roasted. Maybe that was a word. But that one thing was fried, so that's a lie. Anyway. Oh my god, and Roy Rogers, which may still exist, but they had these. This is when I was a little kid. They had these like high chairs, but it was shaped like a horse, and you know me. Did you go to town, dude? Yeah. Yeah. Good for you. Also, it's not dead everywhere, as we found out, but long John Silver's.
SPEAKER_03I can't believe we didn't go to We have to go to one. Long John Silver's.
SPEAKER_02I'm real I'm dying to go to one. That's like the only place where I can eat something out of the ocean. Um I get double fried clams.
SPEAKER_03I know, I don't understand it. You don't eat things that come out of the ocean, but when you do, it's a fucking clam.
SPEAKER_02It's it's long John Silver's double-fried clams that are fried and deeply battered, and it's just like eating rocks that have been deep fried that you dip in sweet and sour sauce.
SPEAKER_03I would rather them take a hush puppy and deep fry that. Because then I mean that just but listen, Kathleen, no, I agree with you. But I also love Long John Silvers. I will fucking go to town on that nasty, greasy looking fried fish with the crumbly bits at the bottom that I will take and just go down my throat.
SPEAKER_01Tartar sauce on a hush puppy? Fuck off.
SPEAKER_03Okay, which you don't agree, but fine.
SPEAKER_02I don't eat anything on hush puppies, I just eat hush puppies.
SPEAKER_01And not even like a little red sauce. Do you eat ketchup? No. Red sauce! I don't know what that is.
SPEAKER_04I don't know what that is.
SPEAKER_02Red sauce. So how does this relate to witchcraft?
SPEAKER_01It doesn't. See you in a month. Okay, bye.