Abigail Rodriguez 00:01
Hey Enneagram Friends! This is Abbi Rodriguez, you're a certified and IEA accredited Enneagram, Teacher and Coach. In this space, I'll give you a sneak peek into real live coaching sessions and teach you how to apply the wisdom of the enneagram into your life for personal growth. The invitation each episode is to take on a posture of curiosity, curiosity about yourself and others, so that you can shift from merely surviving to fully thriving in your everyday life. Visit my website at abbirodriguez.com and listen into this episode to learn more.
In this episode, I share the coaching space with an Enneagram Two from Seattle, Washington. Her intention for coaching comes out of a desire to communicate well in conversations with loved ones about controversial topics that just keep coming up. For Twos, this can be such a tricky space, trying to balance the orientation for connection, but then also holding boundaries around what they need in a relationship. If you lead with Type Two, or are in a relationship with someone that's an Enneagram Two, listen with curiosity and compassion and see what you can take away from our coaching conversation.
I know that you had communicated some in Instagram, just kind of going back and forth in our direct messages, but I'd love to hear what feels most helpful to explore during our time together.
Type Two Participant 01:24
Awesome! Yeah, so I am Enneagram Two (the helper), and so recently, in this season, I am just kind of struggling and transitioning, and a lot of transition is kind of happening all around me. And so when I speak up for myself, or want to voice an opinion or something, or need to ask for help, and don't necessarily know how to and what does that look like? And how do you ask for help when you don't really feel seen? Especially as a Two and how to emotionally ask for support?
Abigail Rodriguez 02:06
Yeah, yeah. So as you share that, are there specific conversations, or maybe even relationships that are coming to mind?
Type Two Participant 02:17
Yeah, recently, I'm a big one right now as my parents. I didn't move out until I was about 26, and I think a lot of that was for a lot of different reasons, but I think a big one is the fact that I was raised to kind of fear the outside world, and, you know, everything's gonna hurt me - and that kind of stuff and kind of overbearing parents - and so I was just scared to leave. I was just like, yeah, “I can just stay here till I get married and that'll be fine.” And then I kind of just went and looked at an apartment one day further near this church I was going to and loved it, and was just like, “yeah, I think I'm gonna move out” and that was really hard for them. But recently, so now fast forwarding, just kind of having those healthy boundary conversations, and them not necessarily wanting that. And they just want to be overprotective parents and I get that. I'm not a parent yet, but I can understand their perspective. It's just really hard, trying to grow. And last night, again, just kind of feeling like 10 steps backwards after trying to speak up for myself. So that kind of stuff.
Abigail Rodriguez 03:36
Yeah that's hard. And also, you know, oftentimes for that Type Two structure, it can be so hard to even know what you need, or what boundary is helpful to set. And so then when you do know, you have that awareness, and then you have the courage to say something, and it's not reciprocated with kindness and understanding or compassion or whatever is needed - it's just so hard. It feels really defeating, and so yeah, I understand that. I'm curious if you think about some of those conversations, if maybe you'd be willing to share what type of a boundary or need you're sharing with them that doesn't feel like the conversation goes well, or they're not willing to establish that boundary or respect that boundary with you?
Type Two Participant 04:28
Yeah, I'm so hot topic, obviously, right now is COVID and the vaccine. And I have chosen not to, just for personal health reasons for later on down the road and that affecting my body and stuff like that because I just don't feel like there's enough medical research yet for me to make that choice. And I expressed that in the beginning and they were just like, “we don't understand that and, you know, it's been made by doctors and millions of people are going to have it.” I understand that, but not everybody has my body and, and I just, you know, don't want to do that right now. And so it was like, okay, fine, we don't get it. And then it just like keeps being brought up like, “when are you going to get vaccinated? And last night it got brought up again because my mom happened to look at the vaccination cards or whatever and, again, she asked me, and I was just like, “you know, I'm not going to right now and it's just like, I said, the same thing I'm just choosing not to right now, because of the medical research and I just felt like it was made really quick and all this stuff,” and they're just like, “but this is your life, and you don't understand” and just like, again, overbearing, and I just, I just shut down, because I'm just like, “okay, fine, whatever.” I don't really want to engage in this conflict. And because I feel like I've already spoken over it. And I don't I mean, I don't know if it's a Two thing, but I don't love conflict anyway, as it is but trying to grow because I know that that happens. Conflict is gonna happen in life, but it's just with them specifically, I struggle with it, because I'm just like, “okay, fine, whatever.” And so that's kind of what happened last night.
Abigail Rodriguez 06:13
Yeah. Well, and I think, even as you talk about it, most Types don't love a conflict, but Twos definitely have more of that aversion. And really, because part of that Type Two structure is just this aversion and this desire to not be rejected, so there's this deep desire to be wanted and love to foster connection. And sometimes people will say, simply to be liked, but the fear that coincides with that is this fear of not being wanted and of being rejected. And so conflict just feels like very shaky ground to stand on. So as you think about that interaction, part of what I hear you saying at is, as you've communicated the concerns around this, you've said, the language you use was that I'm not gonna do that right now. Have you communicate to them any boundaries around not asking you for a set period of time?
Type Two Participant 07:16
Yeah initially it was really great, because probably a couple months ago now I had the full conversation about boundaries, because this is an issue in a lot of areas. And so I had that, and they were super understanding, it was very emotional, because I'm the only child and so it's just they want to protect me, which I totally understand. And they were super receptive to it, and were totally great. And that stopped. And so I was like, “Okay, great. We just needed to have that conversation. Awesome.” And then, you know, it crept back up. And so I guess I didn't say specifically, can you not ask me for a year, or anything like that? So maybe it just means to be more defined, but definitely just said, “can you please stop asking” for sure.
Abigail Rodriguez 08:06
Yeah, does that feel like a comfortable conversation to say, “Can we not revisit this topic for, you know, a calendar year until, you know, a significant amount of time not because you are unwilling to talk about it, but because it feels it feels invasive in the way that you're kind of describing it not just an intellectual conversation?” Yeah, that'd be a helpful thing to give yourself some boundaries around it with time.
Type Two Participant 08:34
Yeah, definitely. That could be a possibility. I hadn't thought about that. I also know that there the piece to it, that I think what is feels like is why it's happening over and over, is just the lack of awareness of what even boundaries are, because my parents weren't taught those either. I feel like that generation and generations before, we're very much taught, like, you know, pull your bootstraps up, you're fine. Like, we don't talk about feelings or emotions. And so this is a very new conversation for them. And so I feel like I'm having to teach them all this stuff now, because they weren't taught it either. But definitely, that could be a tool for the tool belt for sure.
Abigail Rodriguez 09:21
Yeah, and I love the way that you said that of having to teach them because they weren't taught. And the other side of this is outside of their own experience, the way that you have interacted with them for the first however many years of your life, we subconsciously train people to interact with us a certain way. And so if they were overstepping, or are more invasive or didn't respect privacy, or any of those type of things, and it's kind of like we train people over time to mistreat us and not really realizing that we're doing it. So some of that is also teaching them like as I become more aware of what I need and feel more confident to step into that, I’m teaching you how to interact with me as I teach you my boundaries. And so I love the way they even talked about that to them. Yeah. I'm curious, as you think about these previous conversations, you know, with boundaries, there's almost two pieces of setting the boundary. So there's, there's parts of that right of knowing what you need, being able to say that out loud, kind of having that confidence to do that. But also, in the times when it doesn't go well, or maybe there is even the subsequent conversations that that don't go so well, there's also just an experience of hurt that happens that that you need to process through. And so I'm curious what that experience is like for you, when you have been hurt by some of these conversations. How do you kind of walk away from that?
Type Two Participant 10:53
Oh, yeah, so in the past, I would just like I said, because of the overbearing aspect of it, I've trained them that I just shut down. And they're just kind of the law, especially with authority, I've always just been very submissive with all authority. And so yeah, so in the past, I would just let it go and kind of suppress it and not really do anything with it. And now kind of coming into this new season of learning, healthy boundaries, growth, preparing for different relationships and that kind of thing, I am learning to process it with friends. And kind of as a Christian to praying through things and reading the Bible, kind of getting that perspective as well. But it's very hard and I just kind of as we're processing out loud, I wonder if it's harder, because they're my parents as such a staple figure in your life and in my life. So yeah, that's kind of where I'm at right now.
Abigail Rodriguez 12:01
Yeah, for sure. Well, and I appreciate that recognition you have that they're important, right? You want this to work, this is not something that you're going to walk away from, because it's hard. But the people that are most important in our life often have the greatest ability to impact us both positively but also negatively. So I appreciate you even mentioning some resources that you have in processing your emotions, so fellowship, right, being able to process it with friends. And often, I find that with the Type Twos that I coach in consistent weekly coaching relationships, tend to be external processors. Often times it's almost like we say that Two's are barometers - they kind of walk in and pick up all the feelings, but there is not a very good way to process all the things that are happening. And sometimes you just need the filter of talking through things to synthesize it. Sometimes even just with the caveat to friends of whatever I start with is probably not where I'm going to end. I just needed to get to the end.
Type Two Participant 13:18
I was just gonna say, I think, what's funny, or it's funny, you say that, because just as somebody who needs to recharge as an introvert, I have always told myself that I need to process inwardly. And so now that I'm kind of coming out of my shell, or coming into my own, whatever you want to call it, I think I'm learning that I can process both ways, whether that's journaling or praying, but also like, realizing that I do need that emotional support with friends. And with that, they can't read my mind and so being able to express that emotion or feeling or conversation or whatever, So, definitely,
Abigail Rodriguez 14:01
Yeah, that's so beautiful. And you know, the other pieces that it comes up, especially when it’s a cherish group of friends, is not even just the space to process out loud, that is very helpful, but also a community where you feel accepted, where there's a sense of belonging that kind of supports you as you're tending to this other space where you don't feel so supported or you don't feel known in the way that you want to be known. And not because it's covering over or fixing it, but it's almost like it supports you gives you some scaffolding as you do some inner building. Yeah, and I also really appreciated that you named your faith as a resource. As you think through that process, whether that's in some of the contemplative things you named like reading and journaling, but then also to just having access to something outside of yourself, you have a lot of internal resources. I don't know if you've ever heard of the App Insight timer, but there is a recorded meditation on there that I've recorded recently called the Welcoming Prayer, that might be something that you'd be interested in, but it's really helpful in processing emotions. And it's just a guided meditation walks you step by step through and, and just giving yourself some space. As you have these experiences, sometimes that hurt in the emotion that comes up, feels really scary to navigate, and so our Type will naturally avoid it. We avoid it by reaching out to others, we avoid it by doing, we avoid it by noise, technology, music, all these things that just kind of create noise. And so having some, some practices where you can just allow yourself to sit in the emotion for a little bit. And that's part of how we allow ourselves to process it, rather than just get over it. Yeah, but we don't really just get over things. It kind of just stays with us. But I'm curious, as I say that to you how that sounds? Or if there's other things that have come up in your experience.
Type Two Participant 16:22
No, that's totally great. I think that is such a good and prevalent word for me. And just because I think, again, I just don't want to sit in the conflict. And I think I have to, in need to, in order to really understand how to even get to the point of asking for the help, especially emotionally because I can't even name it, because in my mind, I've already processed it for like a day, and now I'm over it when it's when I'm really not. Because this is an ongoing conversation that is happening and will, I'm sure have to happen again, especially with my parents and stuff. So that's a really perfect, yeah, just so great.
Abigail Rodriguez 17:07
Yeah. Sometimes you do have these spaces where you process it, but it's going to come up again, and being gracious and kind with yourself as it comes up. You know, sometimes in these one-on-one coaching spaces, it's almost like they feel like ashamed of the fact that they're still hurt about something, and just an invitation to be kind to yourself, because it's just tricky. And also that emotion that you're having a feeling of being disapproved of, or embarrassed, or whatever it is. That's how you feel. So you get to feel that way. You know it's your actual emotion, it's what's coming up for you, you're allowed to feel that way. And so just giving yourself some kindness and that too, and rather than we say, like a non judgmental observation of that, as it's coming rather than this shaking your finger at yourself, like, “why are you still upset about this?” You’re allow to be hurt.
Type Two Participant 18:08
Yeah, that's a good point, too, of not getting yourself or giving myself again, like a day timeline to, because I feel like I pour my heart out to people, and then don't receive anything back. Because, you know I do CrossFit and I'm generally a positive person. So I think people are just like, “just give her a day or two and she'll be fine,” which is nine times out of 10 is true, but with these particular relationships, and conversations that I've had, with friends and family, it's a little bit different this time, because I'm more aware of kind of where I'm headed with my feelings and stuff like that. And so just navigating that space and trying to figure out how to then ask for help in return.
Abigail Rodriguez 19:03
Yeah, and I think even as you talked about that element of typically I am positive, upbeat, - I can move past it in, in whatever span of time they're anticipating. And that's a good thing, too, right? It's not the, you know, we want to always acknowledge and appreciate the gifts that are natural in our Type structure or natural in our optimism, but also acknowledging that there will be times because people anticipate that from you that you'll have to do an extra step of telling them “I need more space to talk through this or I need some space from this.” Or “I would love if we went and did this together because I just need some carefree non-responsibility space,” whatever it might be. But I think because Twos have that superpower of kind of anticipating what others might need or how others feel, I think it's easy as a Two to forget that people don't have that same superpower. And you kind of have to overtly, dumb it down for the rest of us of like, “Hey, I'm not doing well, I need this, would you be able to do that this evening with me? You know? Yeah. And kind of laying that out.
Type Two Participant 20:18
Yeah, that's so great. Also another great word, because I totally just anticipate also, that aspect of it, but I don't want to be a burden. So just, I don't want to put that on people because I can sense that everybody else is going through a lot right now because we all are. And that's always going to be the case, we're always going to have something because that's just life. And we're all almost 30 and early 30s so that's just kind of the nature of life. And so just stepping back and realizing that they want to hear it. And they want to be there for me. But yeah, getting out of that, too space of just reading the room and just putting my feelings aside, because that's just what, you know, I tend to do so definitely. That's great.
Abigail Rodriguez 21:08
Yeah, for sure. And oftentimes what you said is so true. And oftentimes, Twos will, when they do share, when they do ask for help, when they do offer, you know, “this isn't going well and here's what I think I need and I don't even know how to get that,” right, these really tender, vulnerable conversations - often they find that others in relationship move even closer to them. It's almost these relationships that they didn't realize were kind of at an arm's length until they had these moments of not just the Two offering and giving and creating welcoming space for others, but allowing others to reciprocate that and you know you're stepping towards them in this vulnerable space rather than welcoming them into your space. And so I think often people are surprised when they do share and it feels like, “gosh, I'm not offering or giving anything, I just feel needy.” But oftentimes, that's what really strengths and strengthens the relationship for others to get to offer that back to you.
Type Two Participant 22:11
Yeah, absolutely. And that's why I think I was so excited initially, when I had that conversation boundaries conversation with my parents a couple months ago, because they received it so well. And they were like, yeah, we totally get it. We'll try and work on it. And then just again, to have the repetitive so I was just like, yeah do I don't say anything, because they're just gonna repeat the question anyway or do I just keep working with them? And, again where do I go from there?
Abigail Rodriguez 22:44
Yeah, and giving yourself some time limits might be a good boundary around it. Well, as you think about this current season, and our conversation, what do you feel like are some practical things that you can take out of our conversation into this next season, whether that's this next week, month, like tangible things that that you can take into it?
Type Two Participant 23:09
Yeah, I definitely love the just right off the bat, the first thing about, “hey, I need at least a week or two to process this.” And also, “let's not talk about it for at least six months, let's give it till the end of the year. If you guys want to revisit it, we can, but I need this time to just not talk about it. Because I've asked you to and, and now we need this kind of harder, harsh, not harsh, but this more defined boundary,” And then just, I think continuing to practice, because you can't get good at anything until you practice. And so I think just being able to speak up for myself, or just say how I feel, no matter what the response is going to be. And just because everybody's different, and so everybody's going to respond different. Every situation is different. And so I think I just need to keep doing it and not get defeated, when it's not how I wanted the conversation to go. Because it's just going to be different every time and hopefully, they'll learn to understand my process, how I think and, you know, that kind of thing. So,
Abigail Rodriguez 24:32
Yeah, I love that. Thank you for reflecting back on that. Yeah, it's always helpful just to hear what lands, what resonates, what feels helpful steps to move towards in. Okay. well, thank you so much for taking time to chat with me and, and honestly to just taking time to be curious about yourself, and how you You show up in relationships and wanting to do that. I often will offer in the workshops I teach just this brief sentiment at the closing of, “I just think the world would be a better place if we were all a bit more curious.” I love having this space where you're curious and you want to know and want to know how to do things well, and honor who you are and how you can show up in the world. So thanks for being here.
Hey, Enneagram friend! I’m so thankful for your curiosity and listening to this enneagram coaching session. Although participants can learn a lot and just a brief coaching session like this, the transformational work really comes in a weekly coaching engagement with their certified enneagram practitioner. If you feel stuck, discouraged or overwhelmed by an aspect of your type, or maybe just a situation that you're trying to navigate, schedule a free discovery call with me at www.abbirodriguez.com\coaching and see how coaching can help support you in your everyday life.
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