Abigail Rodriguez 

So after our coaching conversation with our Type Two about setting boundaries, I wanted to offer some thoughts about boundary setting. Setting boundaries really starts with an awareness of what you need. You don't know what boundaries you need, until you know what it is that you actually need, and that's the part that can be really tricky. For Type Twos it can be really hard to access what you need. It's almost like the volume is turned up really loudly on others’ wants and others’ preferences and others’ needs. And so sometimes it can be really hard to decipher your own - they kind of just get repressed. 

If you're not sure what you need, a really helpful thing to pay attention to is when your feelings get hurt or you feel really angry about something. Those big emotions, those emotional reactions can be really helpful clues in giving you yourself some awareness that you're repressing your needs. It's almost like they're the alarm or the warning signal that a need is being repressed. And so when you notice those emotions - that you're feeling hurt, that you're feeling angry, that you're feeling sad, that you're feeling rejected, hopeless, afraid - name it, give yourself some space to acknowledge it, to feel it, to sit with that emotion, to allow yourself to be sad, to be hurt, to be afraid (whatever the feeling is) so that you can actually process it, that you can be with it, rather than trying to fix it or change it. 

And so as you experience that, also being curious. A non-judgmental inquiry as to “why am I so hurt about this? What did I want them to do that they didn't do?” As you sort through that, what might be the underlying need that I really want to get met here and it's not getting met in this relationship, or in this group or in this setting? And that can be a really hard process to do on your own. My hope is that you have a good group of friends, or maybe a good friend or partner that can hold that space for you not to give you advice, but to be curious with you about what you're feeling and why you're feeling that way. And honestly, coaching is a really helpful space for Twos in this way to be able to acknowledge their feelings and to name their wants and needs, and so that's a really helpful space, if you need some support in that area. 

Once you're able to name your feelings, and allow yourself to process that and sit in it and be curious about it, consider what it is that you might need. If it feels daunting, to name your needs, you may not realize this, but you can google a list of needs and there are different charts and lists that will come up to help you just to have some visual of what might even be needs that I have. And to kind of spark that curiosity for you, as you look at that list, rather than trying to create something out of nothing. Sometimes it just feels like there's this blank, that it comes up in that space about it, what do I need? And there's times it's helpful to look at a list, what do you need what's on that list, and a committed relationship, sometimes you can just very overtly communicate I'm feeling really afraid. And the need that I have is to feel more safe and secure, supported in this. And you can talk through how that need might be met. 

But not all relationships are committed, not all relationships are mutually beneficial. There are some that are one-sided. There are some that you know, it's not this even back and forth exchange based off of their commitment to their relationship or their maturity level. And so sometimes that process and communication is actually more of you stating a boundary because there's a need that you have. And so rather than offering this is a need I have, it’s more so of like, “Hey, I think it's really helpful for me to not spend so much time in this space or to have more limitations around my energy or around my finances” or whatever it might be. You don't have to communicate the whole process of discerning this to your co worker, right? You can just say, “Hey, I I think it's actually pretty unhelpful for me to give you advice in the middle of the night. So I'm going to need for us to limit phone calls past this hour.” You don't have to be vulnerable and explain the whole process because they're not a committed, mutually beneficial relationship. They it's kind of more one sided - they need guidance from you that they're not offering that support back, and so being cognizant about that piece of it too. 

So, in addition to communicating boundaries around your time and energy, the types of conversations that you're willing to have, whatever it is, the invitation for Two is to also be intentional about staying present, especially when you're with others to stay present to yourself. So that you know, where you stop, and the other person begins. Twos have this, this up an outward focus of attention on others, this kind of energy that goes up and out towards others to foster connection and to be in relationship with. And the problem with that is that so little of their attention and focus remains inside themselves. When you're in conversations with others, it's almost like you physically leave your body behind, and you're going outwardly, with feeling energy and heart energy trying to connect with others. We will commonly use this phrase of, “I'm just a person that wears my heart on my sleeve,” and it's this kind of the sentiment. But the problem with your heart being on your sleeve is that your heart is outside of yourself, and you need your body, your physical body, to be a natural boundary to protect yourself. And this is really the same. The same thing is true with Type Twos when you are going outside of yourself, when your energy is up and out to connect with others, you don't have the natural body boundaries that your body creates to protect you. It’s hard for you to know where you stop and the next person begins. And so it's easier to become a meshed or it's easier to allow people to be dependent on you or for you to be codependent with them. And often these things, they're happening so subconsciously that those things are happening and we're not aware of them. Often when others are accidentally stepping on us, they're not aware of it either. 

So this is easier in a coaching space, but if you will indulge me, I want to try to demonstrate this a little bit better for those of you that are listening. So I want to invite you to think about a relationship that's really challenging for you right now. You know, maybe it's just one of your kiddos is a difficult relationship, its a difficult season you're navigating. Maybe it's a co worker that's been harder for you to connect with or just kind of hurts your feelings. Maybe it's your mother in law who seems to make backhanded compliments, or do things that feel like she's always communicating that you're not good enough. Whatever the person is, whatever the conversations around this, I want to invite you just to think about that relationship. Think about the conversations that you have, the attempts that you've made to connect, the confusion that you feel around how to show up well in that relationship, how to help. Let that just kind of swirl. Let that be a part of your thought process right now. 

As you think about all of these troubling aspects, this relationship that just feel so hard and challenging - I want you to kind of take a breath and sense in to your physical felt sense of your body. What does it feel like? Is there a tightness in your chest? Does it feel like there's shallow breathing, like it's really hard to get a full breath? Is there kind of this anxious feeling like this buzzing sensation at the end of your fingertips? What does it feel like this swirl of confusion and difficulty in the relationship? What does it feel like? Is there a discomfort? Is there a tightness or constraint a heaviness? What does it feel like? Now, I want to invite you to take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. And take another deep breath in the same way, but trying to get the breath all the way down into your lower belly. Continued deep breathing - feeling your feet on the ground. Feeling your seat in the chair if you're sitting down as you continue to breathe deeply. Feeling your hands, your fingertips, wherever they're placed. And breathing deeply one more time in through your nose and out through your mouth. 

Now, how do you feel? Is that tightness in your chest gone? Is the shallow breathing alleviated? Has that buzzing, anxious feeling subsided? Do you feel more present, more back in your body? You know this feeling when we're allowed to let go of that internal chatter and the chaos of trying to sort through and fix and mend and give and these relationships, when you can come back into the present moment. This is what we often refer to as being grounded or being centered. It's almost like your heart space was swirling with all the “what ifs” and the feelings around relationships. But when you come back to the present moment, when you come back to the breath, when you come back inside your body, it's almost like that heart space gets tethered back in place into your body where it's supposed to be. And so when you're interacting in conversations with people that you know are really triggering, that tend to hurt your feelings, and that tend to cause an emotional reaction for you - there’s an invitation there to be present, fully present and grounded with your heart space tethered back into yourself. Your heart space tethered into your body. If you can approach the conversation, the moment, the gathering, or whatever it is more grounded and centered, there's a natural boundary that happens because your body is protecting your heart space. It’s a natural grounding, a natural boundary that happens. And so in a coaching space, I get the joy of bearing witness to this as I go through those steps, and people share what it feels like for them. And so unfortunately, as you went through that exercise, we didn't get to share in that same way. So I'd love to hear your experience what that experience was like going through that that visualization and somatic practice. Just leave your comments either on Instagram when I post for this episode, or even in a review, wherever you listen to podcasts. I’d love to hear what that experience was like for you. 

Okay, till next time, friends!


Transcribed by https://otter.ai