Abigail Rodriguez 00:01
Hey Enneagram friend. This is Abbi Rodriguez your certified and IEA accredited enneagram teacher and coach. In this space, I'll give you a sneak peek into real live coaching sessions and teach you how to apply the wisdom of the enneagram into your life for personal growth. The invitation each episode is to take on a posture of curiosity, curiosity about yourself and others so that you can shift from merely surviving to fully thriving in your everyday life. Visit my website at Abby Rodriguez calm and listen into this episode to learn more. In this episode, I share the coaching space with an enneagram one that's a homeschooling mama of kiddos ranging from age preschool all the way up to junior high. Building off of her experience of participating in the Enneagram Foundation's workshop, we explore how to turn down the volume on the inner critic and really invite a posture of self compassion and her experience as a mom. Our coaching conversation also illuminated the somatic expression of anger and type ones, which often shows up as tightness in their throat or kind of rigidity along their jaw line from all the pent up frustrations that happened throughout the day. So listen in with curiosity and compassion, and see what resonates in your experience or an experience of the enneagram ones in your world.
Abigail Rodriguez 01:28
What feels most helpful for us to explore discussed during our time together?
Type One Participant
Yeah, just I know we've talked about a lot in the past about like inner critic and stuff. So that's kind of a big thing for me.
Abigail Rodriguez 01:37
Because I know that you went to the Enneagram Foundation's workshop, before having some Enneagram language, and maybe even before you discerned your type, were you aware of the inner critic? Or was it like something that was helpful for you to kind of label once you realized you were in enneagram One?
Type One Participant 01:56
Yeah, it definitely, I don't think that I was aware of at least the terminology, if that makes sense. I mean, I knew that I was always hard on myself. And I just kind of attributed that to like, I'm, I'm a firstborn, and, you know, have just had a lot of responsibility placed on me at a young age. And so I'm like, “Well, I that's just my unrealistic expectations on myself” kind of a thing. So it, it was nice to put like, words to it. I guess if that makes sense.
Abigail Rodriguez 02:35
Yeah, for sure. For you is the inner critic like, voice? Is it your voice? Is it someone's else's voice? Or is it more abstract, and as soon as it falls into that abstract range?
Type One Participant 02:47
I feel like the more I've come in tune with, with it. And like knowing really what it is because in the past, it was just like, it was like my voice. It was like my thoughts and my voice. And I would say several months ago, I read something or heard in a podcast, I don't I can't even remember where it came from, but how to name your inner critic, and so I did. And so that has helped me to separate it's not my voice anymore. It's like a different that her name is Cruella voice. So I know it's not me. If that. I mean, that helps. It. Sometimes it's still difficult to get past it.
Abigail Rodriguez 03:40
Yeah, for sure. And when you say get past it, what do you mean by that? Like, to let go of what she is critiquing you on?
Type One Participant 03:51
Yeah or even to just recognize what's happening. Especially like, if you're having a specially bad day or something. And things just seem to pile up, you know, to be able to, like, separate and be like, “Okay, this, this is not me.” You know, sometimes it's still so overwhelming to even be able to do that.
Abigail Rodriguez 04:19
The expectations of that type One structure, the expectations that you're holding yourself to, and really that inner critic is holding you to are really impossible. I mean, there's times that I've heard one say that, even if I was able to label what the standard is, which is sometimes hard, right, sometimes it's so ambiguous, but even just this idea that I could meet it, I think the standard would just float up and be even higher, like I I would never even meet it. Does that resonate with your experience, too?
Type One Participant 04:52
Yeah, I think that's absolutely true. Like, I don't think that there's ever a way no matter what I do, that I could meet it. Because there's this, you know, there's this line where I think it is, but it would certainly just change like float higher. That's, that's a good word, it would just like float above me, you know, no matter what.
Abigail Rodriguez 05:14
So in the moments when you kind of describing this experience of like having a day which is compiling, or maybe you get to the end of the day, and it feels like that was not a great day. And oftentimes, for Ones, there's a lot of criticism that that is happening that's making that day feel like that, whether that is criticism to yourself, or even the experience of criticizing others, that is also just as exhausting, because there's this emotional response that is happening simultaneously of feeling angry or concerned, or this is not just and so there's this fear around or worry. And all of that is an emotional exchange, even if you are your type as being more critical of others. So that's part of what is just helpful even to realize. So in those days, when that's happening for you, when is the point that you realize the inner critic is sounding? Is it later in the day that you're realizing that or is it something that you realize days later, in hindsight?
Type One Participant 06:20
I think it's different, depending on the day, because sometimes it can be if I can just like take a step back and breathe. I can realize it right then and then have the ability to change the dynamic of what's going on. And sometimes it's days later, I think it just depends on where I am in my headspace to be able to even recognize what's going on. Yeah, so I think it just changes.
Abigail Rodriguez 06:56
And the days that you are able to just pause, take a breath and realize that what's happening around you, or even just internally what's happening, is there anything that you can note that's different about those days, as opposed to the other days, where it just snowballs and compounds and you realize it a couple days later?
Type One Participant 07:12
Yeah, I mean, I think it turned has a better outcome. It's, you know, like I said, a lot of times I can, you know, take a step back and breathe in and improve the outcome of that day, instead of having things just compound and compound. And then at the end of the day, you're like, “Oh, my gosh, I need I these kids need to go to bed and I need to have a shot of tequila!” I don't know, like I need to get this day. So I think that's the difference between those two days, like being able to reset the day. And I mean, I do this with my kids, too, right? Like somebody's having a bad day. And you're like, Okay, well, where are we doing? What are we doing here? I mean, sometimes I can't, sometimes you're not so calm about it. But sometimes it's you can be like, “okay, you're having a rough day, are we hungry? Are we tired? You know, like, what is it?” And so to be able to do that to myself, you know, and a lot of the things that I've been reading about everything are like, you know, you're trying to learn to reparent yourself, like to, you know, step back through a lot of the, you know, maybe trauma or whatever, and just reparent yourself. And so it's an interesting dynamic to be doing that while I'm also a mother to little ones.
Abigail Rodriguez 08:37
Yes, I love the way that you talked about a reparenting and also, you know, that question to your kiddos of, “are we hungry? Are we tired? What do we need?” And how easy or maybe difficult is it for you to pause and ask even to some of those basic questions for yourself are those things that you stop and consider as you're going throughout your day?
Type One Participant 09:00
It's very easy for me to do that for my kids. But it's not so easy for me to do that for myself. I feel like I A lot of times operate in the I don't, I don't have needs, I guess is this just kind of like where where I come from? Like, I just give, give, give, give, give like, you know, and so that doesn't happen very often. It's easier to do that for my kids.
Abigail Rodriguez 09:31
Yes, for sure. And you're not alone in that. I mean, I think oftentimes, we you know, not even just Enneagram Ones, but all the types somehow we pick up along the way that being completely sacrificial and surrendering our every want and need as a parent makes you the best parent. But the reality is, if we pass it down to our kids, like we wouldn't want to teach our kids to sacrifice all of their wants and needs they need to eat and sleep in order to, you know, be successful, whether that's as a parent or other things they do. But for some reason, we take that on ourselves as if that is the best or the right way to do something, even though that's not what we would hope to pass on to our kids. So you're not alone in that
Type One Participant 10:17
I absolutely, like when I do when I do finally, like, “Okay, I'm gonna, I don't know, take a walk by myself” or, you know, whatever it is that I'm like, trying to do for myself. Like, I had battle feeling guilty while I'm doing it, you know, like, you know, even if it's just take a walk, like, I mean, seriously, why am I feeling guilty about doing this? But it's because it's just for me, it's not, you know, directly helping anyone else.
Abigail Rodriguez 10:45
Yeah, for sure. When you're in those moments, when you realize you're feeling guilty, and I'm sure there's other spaces, even outside of taking a walk, that you feel guilty, are you able to talk back to the inner critic a little bit and ask or, you know, even get some more language so that it's not just “I feel guilty”, but why am I spending time away from my kids? Am I, you know, going to come back and the house is messy? Am I not being attentive? You know, sometimes there's, there's a little bit more than just the feeling of guilt, if we kind of interact with that expectation. Is that ever part of what's happening for you?
Type One Participant 11:23
I think a lot of the times it is and a lot of the times my guilt, I think stems from like, I mean, I'm a stay at home mom, so that is my job. But it's also my life. And so I feel guilty, not that ever in a million years would my husband say anything or do anything that make me feel guilty about taking time for myself. He encourages it. But like the whole, not maybe not the whole time. But like thoughts occur to me like, “well, he you know, he's done his job today. Like he's been working all day. Like, he doesn't get to take a break” Or, you know, whatever. And I just, I think it's because it's my job. Like, that's it. That's what I'm supposed to do.
Abigail Rodriguez 12:15
Yeah and I hear in there almost a sense of like, I'm earning my keep,
Type One Participant 12:20
Right. Yeah. I mean, almost. Yeah. It's, and like I said, it's never anything that anyone else puts on me, but myself.
Abigail Rodriguez 12:31
Well, and and not even yourself, right? I think a lot of that is that guilt that the inner critic is giving, as if it's this unfair expectation that you would literally work 24 seven, because you live where you work, right?
Type One Participant 12:52
Yeah, it's like, it's difficult to have, I guess what, what, you know what working people would call a work life balance. Because it is, it's, it's where I live, it's where I work. It's where I do everything. And so it's, it's challenging to have the boundaries, I guess.
Abigail Rodriguez 13:16
Yeah. So even as you talk through that, you know, I can tell that there's a lot there. Like, there's that emotion that's coming up. I'm just curious if you can name that. What does that feel like for you as you're talking through that experience?
Type One Participant 13:32
Mm hmm. I guess I just, I guess a lot of it is I am because I know that it's just when I say it's like me putting this on myself, I guess I'm like, making it kind of me and my inner critic like synonymous like, which, which is probably not what I'm supposed to do. But I feel frustrated and angry that, that I do that. Or that my inner critic does that or you know. Things could be a lot easier. And a lot more joyful in my life if I didn't have that.
Abigail Rodriguez 14:24
Yeah. Yeah. So even just taking a moment, to breathe, and to allow yourself to experience that anger. You know, sometimes when we have those moments, especially for the type One structure, we're just trying to keep it all together because it feels like we got to keep our finger on everything around us, including ourselves and keep it all together. But just giving yourself some space just to breathe. You know, if you even take a moment to close your eyes and breathe deeply and feel that emotion in your body. You know, oftentimes ones talk about it feeling like a constriction in their throat or a tightness or sometimes even just like a rigidity in their jaw line. It feels like it often sits up in this space. I'm curious, even if you kind of breathe. Can you feel it physically? You can feel it in your jaw?
Type One Participant 15:20
Yeah, my, my chiropractor gets on me because I am always clenching my jaw. Yeah. I have to like consciously, like, relax my jaw and massage it because it just, it's all tied up in there.
Abigail Rodriguez 15:39
Yeah. Do you notice when you are clenching it before it starts to hurt? Like, can you tell it's being rigid before there's any type of symptom of it?
Type One Participant 15:49
Not usually. And I also do it in my sleep. I have like a retainer, like a mouth guard that like keeps me from from clenching too much in my sleep. But usually, it's why the headache “Why do I have a headache right now” it's because I'm clenching my jaws.
Abigail Rodriguez 16:10
So a good practice for one's in really all the time specific specifically for ones is to check in with your physical felt sense around those sensations. So that tightness in your jaw the rigidity in your jaw, if when you feel emotion, if it kind of boils up in your chest and your throat, sometimes people will feel like almost this, I can't breathe any deeper. Otherwise, it'll just all come out kind of feeling. Because if you can notice that, and your felt sense, that will give you some clue that you're kind of constricting down on an emotion that you're having. And you're trying to just get through what's happening rather than just allowing yourself to experience it. Because our emotions are not bad. They're just a symptom that something is happening for us. And so in that, you know, if you take a moment to take a deep breath, you realize that your jaw is rigid before you even get the headache or you have to, you know, massage it to get it back to normal. Even just noticing that it's rigid, can give you a space to pause and consider Okay, what's happening in my current environment? Is there something that's really overwhelming? Is there something I'm really frustrated about? What might I need, because I'm feeling stressed or because I'm feeling angry or because I'm feeling overwhelmed in whatever way rather than in the moment when this has escalated and snowballed. And now we're at the end of the day, and I'm at my wit's end, I just see my kids to go to bed. But almost giving yourself like some space to check in. And it doesn't have to be this big, dramatic, you know, I go away for five hours to do this, it can be just truly a couple of minutes of taking a deep breath, feeling your feet on the ground, feeling your seat in the chair, or sitting down the back of your head, the front of your face, and then just naming what you feel, in your your felt experience. Because for you, you know that that rigidity in your jaw line is one of the things specifically to pay attention to. Now, as I say all that to you, I'm just curious what that sounds like to you.
Type One Participant 18:19
I'm just literally I'm kind of cracking up on the inside, because I'm reading a book right now that literally in the chapter I just read was talking about what you just explained. Yeah. Okay, I get it, I guess this is what I need to do, right?
Abigail Rodriguez 18:36
Yeah. And even sometimes, especially because, you know, you don't have as clear cut boundaries around your work, or maybe even rhythms in the way that someone else might, you know, if they are at work or things like that. But even just to set a reminder in your phone, you know, you can set an alarm to go off. Like at certain times of day, if if there's a general time that you know, maybe your kids have transitioned to something or you just finished cleaning up a meal. So that's a good time to check in. But just as like a simple reminder to check in, and you can click snooze, if you're in the middle of a conversation with your toddler and you can't do it right now. Or you can you know, just take a moment, almost forcing yourself a good rhythm for it. But just to take a moment to breathe to check in. And in that naming the emotion that's coming up if you can give it a name, but also just noticing the sensation can cause it to dissipate can cause it to release. Because it you know, when we constrict down on it, that's when it gets held up in there and then it turns into something else that becomes much more of a burden or kind of comes out sideways in a way that we didn't want it to. Because we just kind of put it in our subconscious and we didn't deal with it.
Type One Participant 19:48
Yeah, one thing that one of my friends several weeks ago said to me, that was kind of a game changer for her and it seems to be helping me too is when you feel like you're gonna cry, but you like hold it in. And, and I do that often not that I'm like, generally a crier, but like, when I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna hold it in, like, I'm not like I'm like, you know, keep it together kind of a thing. It gives me a headache every time every time when I'm like holding it in. It's like this pounding excruciating headache. But what do you know, when you don't hold it in? It doesn't give you a headache. Yeah, I know.
Abigail Rodriguez 20:35
And, and that's the thing too, I mean, part of that, even what you're describing. And that really can be true for ones, threes, and fives in that competency harmonic group. I don't know if you're familiar with harmonic groups, but there's this emotional restraint that happens. And, and it's part of trying to approach the world in a logical way, in order to, you know, take charge of what needs to be taken charge of, or to keep order and rhythm and control, you know, and the things that you're trying to help with. And it feels like emotions are too messy, like, I don't have time for that. And so we just kind of constrict them. But the problem is, we're human beings, and we have feelings, so we feel we still feel them, whether we acknowledge them or not. Yeah. And I think even to you know, I'm just reminded, you know, with your little ones, I'm sure there's moments when the response is to constricted emotion that you would be displaying in front of them. And, you know, it's really good for our little ones to see us cry sometimes. Right? Like, yeah, part of that is, is showing them your humanity that helps to teach them empathy, also, right, that sense of like, hey, like, someone's having tender emotions, and that adjusts how I respond to them. But also, just that it's okay. You know, especially with having boys in your household, right, that sometimes these messages of being tough, and you know, don't cry and all those things, right? We just like, yeah, we're human, we have bad days, and we have moments that are just a lot, and they're really hard. And we're disappointed or we're sad. And we cry sometimes because of that. And that's okay, you know, yeah,
Type One Participant 22:15
Yeah, I had a particular parent fail about that yesterday with one of my boys he did I just have a difficult time when they are having what seems to me as like an irrational meltdown. Yeah, I don't know if that makes any sense. Like, we're at a waterpark. And he's not, he's not he had metal on his shorts. So he couldn't go down this specific slide. Because he had metal on his shorts. And so he wasn't allowed to. And it was like this big thing, like, we almost left, because I like, I don't know how what to do with you right now. Like, this is not this is only escalating. So it's difficult to be able to, yeah, to be able to feel the emotions and allow them to feel the emotions, but I guess and I don't know, if it needs to be a constrained way array, like how it can? How to get through that?
Abigail Rodriguez 23:23
Well, and even, you know, not knowing exactly what was happening that situation, you know, part of what you're as a type One, or coming to that situation with is being in the body triad, you know, one's experience the too much-ness of things, right. And so when emotions are big, there's kind of this sense of like, this is too much like I'm on, you know, sensation overload or noise overload or like emotional reactivity overload, because for those in the right track, we just experienced things. So instinctually, like in our bones, and so then it feels like, I don't know how to get out of here, like this is too much that's happening right now. And so it's helpful to be aware of that. And also, to be kind to yourself in that, because we have these moments where for us in the body triad, and it's different things for other types, but we experienced this too much-ness, and we might not react in the way that we wanted to. Because it's just a lot for us in a way that it's just it. Others don't feel it in the way that we do. Right? And it might feel for other reasons, but it's different. So in that sometimes a helpful practice when there's too much emotional reactivity, whether that is from one of your kiddos or even a friend is to try to ground yourself a little bit, because that will help you open up more of a feeling space that doesn't feel threatening. So oftentimes, when this too much-ness is happening, this emotional reactivity, the body triad says okay, put up big boundaries to protect yourself, right? So for us, our body is kind of a physical boundary if you think about it, but it's almost like, I'm not going to synthesize what's happening, this is just too much. And so we put up this boundary to protect ourselves. But in that, if you can instead of your type reacting for you, almost just taking a deep breath and imagining yourself with your, like feeling your feet on the ground, and feeling yourself being presently there, it will help you to listen and observe what's happening without it feeling so overwhelming. Because it's, it's like a way to be grounded without your type taking over for you. Because your type will say, this is too much. We need to filter this out. We'll think about this in a logical way.
Type One Participant 25:51
I just found myself saying like “you need to get this together, like you need to get it together, because I can't like, I can't do this.” There are times when I'm like, so calm and talking. So this, this must be the difference, like I've been able to ground myself appropriately or not to because there's very, two very different mothers that happen, depending on the time in the situation
Abigail Rodriguez 26:24
For sure, but the thing is, though, even as you say that, right? I think sometimes we make these observations and and we can be really hard on ourselves of like, the two different versions of mothers one is good one is bad, right? I'm assuming that's part of what the inner critic said in that, in that internal dialogue when you offer that. But the reality is, what happened in that moment was his experience triggered your type and your type responded, and your type of tried to reason to offer logic, again, with that harmonic group, the competency group just trying to offer logic and, and void the emotion. The problem is the other person's having a lot of emotion, so they're not ready for it to be voided. And so the thing is, like, there's nothing, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. It just wasn't super helpful in that space, you know, but also like, being compassionate with yourself, because your type just got triggered. And you observe it after the fact, you you know, if there are natural consequences to a behavior, you can always go back and apologize if there's something that you wanted to restore if there was a disconnection in that. But also just being gracious to yourself, because that's a really challenging moment, especially when there's all these people watching, you're out of space, you can't just quietly escort him back into your house. That's a lot.
Type One Participant 27:40
It was it was something. Yeah, I don't know if it's something that I mean, my husband was there with us. And he's a type eight. And so I don't know if it was something that like maybe that wouldn't have triggered him as much, maybe I should have been like, and you can take this child and I'll keep these kids occupied. But in the moment, it's just like, and we got to go to our chair right now. And we got to like, calm down or something. And then when I thought I had him calm down after a while, like we re entered and it was not we were not ready. We had to come back. And it was so yeah, I don't know if it was something I should have tagged out and maybe had my husband try. Yeah,
Abigail Rodriguez 28:24
Maybe right?. Maybe that's a good curiosity. But letting it be a curiosity, not a should, right? Because the language of the inner critic is shoulds and oughts and this is not always helpful, right? We can't replay things. We we can't redo things. It doesn't work that way. And so it's good to be curious about it of maybe next time I'll try this, or I think that was really unhelpful. I'll ask other people what they would have done. Right, those are okay, things. But when we replay a scenario with should and oughts, that's often the inner critic Cruella, if you will, that's striking that movie watching film of our memories of what happened? Yeah. Yeah. you'd mentioned before, and it kind of goes along with some of the, you know, this experience. But and, and the, the days when the inner critics ledger of the, you know, the shortcomings and what didn't go well, and whether that is about yourself or others. And that kind of snowballing. Oftentimes, you know, with this practice we talked about, I've just taken a moment to breathe and notice the physical sensation. The other part of it too is if you hear Cruella talking and you hear some of those, that language of shoulds and oughts, and when that's about yourself, for others, to give yourself some space to be curious about what feeling is there because oftentimes when frustration is part of it, you know, frustration is really just another name for anger. And anger is an emotion, right? It's just part of what we need to allow it to come be and go in the way that it's supposed to. But the problem is it comes and then it gets stuck, because it feels like, you know, we're not allowed to be angry, because, you know, our life isn't that hard, or we got to have a break this weekend, or, you know, our kids are older than that person that seems to be doing well, and their kids are younger, right? We have make all these reasons why we don't, we shouldn't allow, be allowed to be angry. But we're angry. That's just part of our human experience. And so it's not a right or wrong thing. It's just an emotion, giving ourselves some space to feel that so that we can allow it to come to be and to let it go. And the way that it's that it's meant to. Yeah. One of the tools that I often offer in those moments when you realize that you're angry, it's called the welcoming prayer. Have you gone through that at all? I feel like maybe I did. Yeah. So there's, there's lots of different variations of it. I have one that's recording on insight timer. If you're on insight timer.
Type One Participant
That's where I heard about it. That's how I heard. I think I saw your post about it. Okay.
Abigail Rodriguez
Yeah. And it's, it's just like an eight minute guided meditation. And it's really helpful. Because sometimes when we're really flooded with whatever the feeling is, of, whether that is criticism on ourselves, or irritation with other people or frustration, it feels really hard to have the support, we need to pause and to just name like, I'm really angry about what's happening right now. And so that meditation can be helpful and just supporting you along that and kind of guiding the conversation and just listening in and, and it walks you through the whole process. And so that's a good resource too
Transcribed by https://otter.ai