Glass Half Full

Glass Half Full is an educational podcast about sharing our life experiences, as a lesson. A safe platform where people can listen, and learn through positivity, spirituality, wellness and creativity in someone else’s testimony and life experiences. We all have something to share, and many times we are all searching for the same things. I hope to start a platform, to aid in this educational bridge to show how we can become our best selves, that we possibly can. Through this, I believe we can really live the most out of our daily lives.

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Glass Half Full

Rising From The Crash

December 12, 2025 • Episode 72

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What happens when a single crash erases days of memory and rewrites the rules of your life? We sit down with Nicholas Ruchlewicz to trace his arc from a storage-lot motorcycle crash to surgeries, rehab, and the gritty work of reclaiming identity after a traumatic brain injury. He opens up about the 12-day void he can’t remember, the moment he realized he had to relearn how to walk, and the unexpected tools that pulled him out of isolation.

Nicholas walks us through the realities of right-side brain injury—executive function, attention, vision—and the emotional whiplash of anxiety and depression that followed. He shares how continuity of care became a battle with the health system and why protecting a trusted therapist can be the difference between treading water and moving forward. Along the way, he uncovers practices that actually help: naming the feeling under anger, pausing before you react, and choosing an opposite action to shift momentum.

Then the story turns to music and games. Heavy music lowered his pain spikes in the ICU and later became a bridge to community and purpose. Following Lacuna Coil across cities, he transformed gratitude into connection and advocacy. At the tabletop, role-playing games rebuilt fine motor skills, memory, and focus while offering a safe, inclusive space for players to belong. Painting miniatures during the pandemic anchored his nerves and gave him a daily ritual of calm.

We wrap with clear takeaways for anyone facing trauma or supporting someone who is: you are not alone, healing is not a zero-sum game, and hope is free medicine. If you’re looking for real talk about recovery—and practical ways to find your footing again—this conversation will meet you where you are and hand you a next step.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a rating or review so others can find these stories.

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Chris: 0:16

Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening. Wherever you are in the world. And welcome to another episode of Class Pat Four. And Space Fat Force. Let's talk with a variety of teachers, but spiritualists, uplifters, takers, and serenators. Everyone has a lesson to learn and a lesson to share. Let's use our life experiences to innovate someone's heart, mind, spirit, and soul. We can be a learning inspiration for one another. I'm your host, Chris Levins. If you love the show and want to support us, you can become a monthly subscriber or make a one-time donation. Just look for the heart icon or the support link on our podcast platform. We're so grateful for your continued support. It helps us keep making the show even better. Let's welcome today's guest. Today's guest is Nicholas Ruklevic. Nicholas is an advocate tabletop role player, music, and concert lover. He is also a trauma survivor who, after being involved in a motorcycle crash, suffered a traumatic brain injury and a very long recovery. Going through this, he has been able to use his struggles to help others. As a mental health advocate, he has spoken to international organizations, political organizations, as well as the United States Congress to address some of these concerns with trauma and mental health access and coverage. Let's welcome Nicholas Rucklevit. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. Thanks for the excitement. Oh thank you. Thank you for being a guest here on Glass Half Full. We're happy to have you today. Happy to be here. I appreciate it. Well, you're very welcome. Can you tell everyone where you are in the world and what time it is, please?

Nicholas: 2:26

What time is it? Well, it's 7 a.m. and I'm right outside of Washington, D.C. Uh in United States, Northern Virginia.

Chris: 2:34

So excellent. Nice, nice, nice. I like DCR. I went to university in Northern Virginia. So I know the area. Oh, it's awesome. What what university? Shenandoah University, Conservatory of Music in Winchester.

Nicholas: 2:47

I know exactly where it is. Yep.

Chris: 2:49

Oh, nice, nice, nice, nice. All right, we're gonna jump right on in. I like to ask all my guests this first question. I believe that our lives are in spiritual design. Can you share your life layout with everyone, your blueprint, how you grew up, where, your family lifestyle? Sure.

Nicholas: 3:10

I'm you know from you know Northern Virginia, you know, DC area. You know, I I was very fortunate. I grew up with a lot of diversity around me, just being in that historical landmark of the United States and you know, just having a lot of access to a lot of you know various public services like museums and such. But, you know, I guess I grew up a regular kid. My family had a separate rough separation divorce when I was, you know, roughly 10, 11. So it was definitely very difficult kind of growing up and just a lot of changes. I didn't go to any, you know, secondary education. I just went to high school and I was very, you know, I just didn't feel comfortable with financial gains going to college. So I started right away in just working small jobs, grocery stores, pharmacy tech, et cetera. And then I was able to fortunately land a job where I started pulling wire in homes, and then all of a sudden, you know, 26 later years later, I've been in a low voltage audio video telecommunications field. So it was definitely worth its weight. I'm I'm a very big advocate of blue-collar work, and I think that we don't put a lot of emphasis in our society for that, but I digress. That could be a another, you know, three-hour conversation. You know, through my work and in different parts of my life, I had a real rough original, you know, first marriage and separation, and that definitely left me in in some pretty dark holes. I was able to pull myself out and and you know, right before right after I got separated, you know, I got a motorcycle license. I was excited. I had a lot of friends, and and I I thought I had friends through work and other uh sources that were riders, and I was excited to ride with them. So I bought a bike and you know, rode around some, and then it was weird, it was snowing at that time of year, and I didn't want to take my brand new bike on salty roads in northern Virginia, so I rode around a storage unit for you know about a week or so, and then something happened. My mom, I was unfortunately I was in separation, living with my mom in the in the basement, renting out the basement, and then something freaked happened, nobody knew where I was, and then found friends, called friends, and then I was at my storage unit, the police came, my friend broke in, so it wasn't breaking entering, and then I was taken to a trauma center where I was after I had a motorcycle crash.

Chris: 5:42

Okay, so we're gonna we're gonna come back to that. I just wanted to touch around your buildup about who you are so we can have an idea about it. I have a few questions for you. Do you have any siblings? Did you guys have any pets? Oh, okay. Yeah, yes, for sure.

Nicholas: 5:55

I have uh sorry, I I got I guess I got sidetracked. I gotta I have a I have a brother, younger brother. He's definitely someone I care about greatly. I'm very proud of him. He's a he's a a school teacher, he teaches advanced math, like multivariable calculus. So I said you ran out of numbers, you started using weird letters. Um so but you know, I my family my father's from Philadelphia, so I have some godparents that live outside of Philly. Nice, so I get to see them. My father's in northern Virginia as well. Oh pets growing up, I had cats and I loved them to death, and then something was going on in 2014. I was like, I needed to, I guess it was 2009. Sorry, but I remember I remember watching the show LA Inc. And there was this guy who got a tattoo that matched his dog's like diamond on his back. It was this dog a Passenji. I was like, oh, this sounds like it's like a loof dog, it's you know family fair. I was like, Oh, okay, great. So I started reading him and said it was difficult to train. So I got this little puppy, and he was uh he was a little bit terror. I loved him to death. And I say they're not difficult to train, they trained me well. So you know, unfortunately, you know, in I I then I moved with my ex-wife. We had an apartment for a while. I got another puppy, Athena, and then uh he was Aries, and then she and my my wife and I separated, and now so yeah, it was me and my dogs, Aries and Athena.

Chris: 7:22

And they're still with you now.

Nicholas: 7:24

No, unfortunately, I had to say goodbye to my champ in 2021, and that was that was some of the hardest thing I've ever thought of my life. I mean, the the guy was there with me through everything through my marriage, my separation, my new marriage, my my trauma. Wow. So he was he was the but he taught me how to be strong. He taught me I do it. I I saw a pet lost therapist when I said goodbye to him, and you know, the therapist said, you know, Aries allowed you to be loved. And that really that really uh shook home. But so I have two dogs now. I have a a puppy. Well he's not a puppy, he's a he's a he's four years old, but I have Orion and Athena. Athena's still a good girl, she's gets she plays for an old lady, she still has stuff. But yeah, so my I'm remarried. I love my wife's death. Very different than my first situation. Thank you. Yeah, she was there, she was a big part of my recovery, and she was there with me. And you know, people will say, Oh, you got married because you she helped in your marriage. I'm like, All right, before your accident. I'm like, no, I married her because I loved her. So it was just you know, it was it was great the gift we could give each other for each other's support. So nice, and you know, through that, and then obviously we'll go into my trauma stuff, but and I did a lot of I've been a very my nerd street cred, as I say, is pretty high. You know, I collected comic books, I've played DD before it was popular. I used to be chased out of, you know, threatened at school or beat up because I read that crap. So it was definitely a very different world than it is now. So I always say I like to, you know, I I suffered for the you guys, you you damned whippersnappers. So that that's uh yeah, so I mean that's kind of and obviously we'll we'll expand on the different yes, yes.

Chris: 9:15

We're we'll we'll get we gonna get to it for sure. Nice, nice, nice, nice. It's always nice to just you know for people just to to share a little bit so that folks really get in a connection when they can feel the sense of like, oh yeah, me too. Oh yeah, I understand that. So thank you for sharing that. Thank you for sharing that. Okay, so there's no children. Uh did you have any do you have any kids? That's correct. I did I had two awesome dogs. Okay, I just wanted to make sure that I hadn't missed any, you know, the pets are the kids. They're the they're the kids. Yep, they're not kids. Nice, nice. Okay, I want you to take us back to the story of the motorcycle crash. And how old are you at this point? So we can have an idea about the timeline. And yeah, tell us about the moment that you realized that your life had had changed.

Nicholas: 11:00

So it was a dark and stormy night. No, I'm just kidding. Dun dun dun. It was dark. Yeah. So, like I said, I was, you know, I still live with my I was still live with my mother, and you know, it was very, very different situation after the separation. It was pretty rough. So, you know, one day, you know, I didn't come home. Mom was like, Why are the dogs freaking out? My brother said, I don't know. She called my girlfriend, not my wife. She called my other and she and then my girlfriend called my other friend or met someone at Facebook, and then the person on Facebook gave the person the number called all this thing, and they all coordinated to go to this unit where I was. Now, how did now let me back this up a little bit?

Chris: 11:42

So, where were you that they were expecting you to be somewhere? Were you supposed to be at home? Were you what was where were you supposed to be?

Nicholas: 11:52

Well, you know, there's no technically supposed to be, but you know, when we have habits, you know, it's good we have habits, and you know, it's good to kind of understand, you know, what you know makes you tick. I didn't go to a game that night. A lot of times I'll go to the game, but my you know, I'm always with my dogs. I love my dogs more than anything else. And you know, especially that to my separation. My separation was really tough, so I made sure they were I had them before then. I was they're gonna stay with me. They're my they're ready forever. So when the dogs were freaking out, it's like, where's Nicholas? So he hasn't been home in in like six hours. Like, what's going on? Or you know, probably yeah, probably about four hours or so because I was rode for a few hours before my crash. So they all started kind of freaking out. This is probably at 10, you know, probably 10 o'clock at night. Oh, so that's when all the yeah. So like I said, my my mom knew my girlfriend's number, called my girlfriend. She's like, shit, she didn't know my other friend's number who used to ride a motorcycle with. So she texted someone on Facebook, first on Facebook, then gave the the guy's number. They all came to this unit, so I was in a I had a storage unit that kept all my stuff after my you know when I moved out. So I have a motorcycle in there. And I wrote it out before right when I got it, but it like I said, it snowed, so I didn't want to take in the main road. So I just rode it around my storage unit, like every night for a few nights for a couple hours, hour or two, and just to you know have fun and learn, you know, just be more comfortable with it. And then put it back into the storage. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Because I wanted to ride it home, but I couldn't. Like I said, I was terrified of all the salt ruining my paint. You know, if who knows what would have happened if I would have taken it home, who knows if I would have gotten it hurt, but it doesn't really matter. So nobody, so people were freaking out. My friend went in there, broke in. The cops said, Let me go in so it's not breaking and entering. So then, you know, six minutes later, three minutes later, the paramedics show up. So I was roughly seen on camera at 7:31, and the paramedics showed up at 1120. So roughly four hours I was lying there. So now let me get this right.

Chris: 13:58

So you're lying inside the where are you lying at?

Nicholas: 14:02

So there was a you know, a lot of storage units are relatively large with you know roadways and stuff. So there was I would ride around a loop and and take little you know corners and such, and there was a small, I can literally point it to it exactly on a map. I mean it was an Alzheimer right near my family home. Yeah, yeah. So I hit uh there was a small uh wall in there and bakeman center block. So I crashed into that. I mean, if I would have gone six feet other, I would have been fine. So it was just such a a weird thing, and I believed it was a mechanical issue, it doesn't really matter what happened. Okay, but it just you just lost control. Somehow, yeah. I believed it wouldn't I believed it wouldn't go out of gear like when you when you pulled the throttle, but hey, who knows? Okay, so anyhow, I crashed into a a wall, single vehicle. Who knows what happened? I definitely flew over the handlebars, hit the wall. I always wearing a three-quarter you know helmet with a face bubble, but I separated my pelvic circle, I broke my sacroiliac, I crushed my left orbital, and a massive concussion, right side brain bleed. It was on March 15th, 2016. So March 15th is the eyes of March. Yeah, it's also when March is also traumatic brain injury month. So I got double jeopardy. So you know, I was injured, you know, police showed up, I was technically responsive at the scene. I was making noise when they tried to talk to me. I was taken to paramedics. Fortunately, my family never saw me at the the the scene, which really sucked because if they would have, because I think the storage unit, they if they would have done their nightly pass at like 8 p.m., they would have found me. Doesn't really matter though. But I was taken to level there's a level one trauma center in Fairfax, Nova, and I was taken there by EMT. And fortunately it was only like you know a 10-minute, short 10-minute ride or left. So, you know, I was there, I went right up to the trauma unit. They were worried about did a bone pierce my brain, what was going on. Fortunately, I have one cut around my eye, otherwise I would have bled to death because of all the internal bleeding by my pelvis. So, and I fortunately I lost you know a lot of weight after before my accident, so I decided to fortunately gain it all back, but also you know, I I think that obviously helped because you know my skin was able to I separate pelvics about four inches, so your pelvis isn't supposed to separate that much. So, anyhow, I was right in the trauma unit, and then yeah, so I mean I can go into what do you want me? You want me to stop? You want me to uh keep going?

Chris: 16:34

Yeah, no, I'm gonna I'm gonna jump. Look, I was just taking a pause because I've got questions. That so, okay, you've been taken into the hospital. The family doesn't find out that you are there until how long after?

Nicholas: 16:50

Well, my family knew I was going right to the hospital. Okay, because they they the police came there with them, and that's when they had this whole thing. I can't come in, you there's nothing wrong here. And that's when my friend went in. So they all knew I was going to the hospital. So my girlfriend lived in DC at the time, so she was like jumping in a taxi, like in her pajamas, like freaking out what's going on with me. So they all met at ANOVA Fairfax, and that's where they, you know. I mean, fortunately, I was I was stable when I went in.

Chris: 17:20

And were you aware of what what was happening? What's happening on your side? Okay, you're completely absolutely not. So, yeah. Okay.

Nicholas: 17:27

Yeah, so I was never in a coma. I was never, I mean, I was never really unconscious, I guess. I don't really know that. But you know, right side brain injury is there, every, you know, each part of your brain controls different parts. So right side controls the left side of your body, but it's also how you have vision, cognitive thoughts, you know, awareness, you know, compulsivity, problem solving, etc. So I don't think I my body, you know, I think with the brain injury, then I don't know what happened. Now, it also could be how my brain, my body is trying to protect me, not sure. But you know, kind of is what it is at this point. There's no reason, you know, how or why, it was just what.

Chris: 18:08

Well, um so when you wake up from this, what uh let me ask you, how long were you in the hospital? So that's a that's double, that's double question. Oh, okay, okay. Well, we got double, okay. Take your time.

Nicholas: 18:25

So again, I wasn't in a coma, but I wasn't cognizant. I went through many surgeries. So, and this will we go we'll talk about it later, I'm sure, but you know, so through brain in every brain injury is different, every 100% injury. They call it the invisible injury. We don't really know what's going on. So even though I was not unconscious, I would respond to things, but I have zero memory. So it's like 12-day gap where nothing happened, but I was there. It's one of the scariest things every time I if I get it's tough to think about sometimes, just that that that emptiness that was there, even though I was there. But like when I was going through pain spikes, and my my girlfriend would play my Pandora Radio, which was a heavy metal station I I cultivated very clearly: typo negative, lacuna coil, opeth, deft tones, and it was interesting. So, like when I was going through pain spikes, you know, my blood pressure would rise, and my girlfriend would play my music and literally would drop. So I do remember like crazy quote unquote dreams where I was like, man, this is pretty cool. We're in like a funeral, everybody's around me, and I'm hearing typo negative. This is pretty awesome. So since my brain injury happened, I have zero memory of what was going on. Like, I mean, they had to pull my face down to redo my eye socket. Let's say that movie Face Offs Full of Crap. They did uh pelvic sutures to hold it together, but since I was not aware what needed to happen because of the injury, they had to tie me down. They didn't tie me one day, yeah. And I kept trying to get up because who what adult male or what adult person wants to be tied in bed? And one or one nurse didn't believe in it. I ended up pulling staples out of my head, I pulled the intubator out, and then I stood up to urinate, and then and ended up finding out I broke the sutures in my pelvis. So now I had to go back in, and I have a plate holding my pelvis together, it's like a little chain type thing. So my pelvis can never come apart, I promise you. Oh my gosh. Wow, so that's intense. And then, yeah, it was pretty, pretty cool. Listen to you. It's you know, so uh, you know, in the trauma, you know, and we'll again we'll talk more to this. There's there's support groups for family and patients. They weren't active when I was in the trauma unit in 20 uh 16. So I was 35 years old. Okay, I was about to say what's our age at the time.

Chris: 20:45

Okay.

Nicholas: 20:45

Yeah, so so it was 35 at the time, but there wasn't any a lot of family support or patient support services when I was in my Trauma unit, but I was taken then to Mount Mount Vernon Rehabilitation Acute Rehab Center. So I remember waking up, quote unquote, waking up, that's where I started to become cognizant of what's going on. I saw two of everything. I couldn't move my left side. And this is how many days after the actu initial 13. Okay. 13 days. Okay. Wow. So I remember being transferred to the hospital. I remember getting on. I remember because the the paramedic person said, Oh, yeah, the transport said, My name's Kyle. I take him there, and that's where things started firing. Because I said, Kyle, that's my girlfriend's brother's name. So that's the thing started trying to, yeah. So I got into the unit. I was like my mother and father in the same room. I was like, what the hell is going on here? Yeah. You're in a real bad crash. You know, you suffered, you you busted your pelvis and you had a head injury. And you know, it made sense. Ifortunately, I still had my appendages. I didn't do anything. So I was like, okay, I didn't really understand what was going on with my left side, why I couldn't feel it, or why I really couldn't see. So first day came in to you know, rehab, and the next day, you know, I would say they have these damn letters on your board, first your name, and I always say the date was wrong. It definitely was not March 27th, but it definitely was.

Chris: 22:13

Okay, so this is we're in the rehab center, right? Yeah, this we take it.

Nicholas: 22:18

12 days later, yep.

Chris: 22:19

Okay, okay. So now we're in the rehab center, and now the rehabilitation is beginning with the recovery point is starting, correct?

Nicholas: 22:27

Yeah, okay.

Chris: 22:28

Inpatient.

Nicholas: 22:28

So I was there for roughly two weeks. Yeah. So the first one, uh, you know, speech therapy. I was like, why the hell do I need this? I can talk fine. And that's when I really realized other stuff was going on because one of my, you know, I'm a project manager, I'm a problem solver. I used to do engine field engineering. So, you know, not being able to problem solve was very crushing to me because that was my almost identity. And, you know, again, that's a right side brain injury, what it could do, executive function. So I had a lot of work on that, and that scared the hell out of me because I didn't want to be, you know, this is something that's such a strong identity for me. But you know, so but I I had to learn how to occupational therapy, I had to learn how to clean myself, restroom, shower, but I was non-weight bearing, so I was still in a wheelchair. So I learned how to wheelchair transfer, and I said I can parallel park a wheelchair like no tomorrow. But I was yeah, I was there for roughly two weeks. So I left on April 15th, 2016. I have all these great memories of where, and then I was sent home. Again, I had a rough separation, so I was living in my mom's basement. Well, the only way to get me down there, they had to wheel me down a grass hill. I had to get a wheelchair ramp, and I had to pull the handles off the wheelchair to slide into the small sliding glass door. There was a step in the in the room I went in, so I couldn't use a restroom, so I had to buy a drop-down commode. And that was where I was for a few weeks. So that was definitely very humiliating in many ways, you know, having to, you know, restroom bag your own stuff. It's like, what the hell? You know, but you know, I I you know, so I was at home for roughly two weeks because I couldn't have a lot of home therapy because I was physically unable to because of the the confinement, because the area. But when I could get an outpatient, I started doing that. You know, I remember doing, you know, like in the hospital, we had three therapies a day, and you know, I'd be exhausted. And when you're an outpatient, you know, it's always important I tell people to talk to their insurance, figure out what's going on, because you don't want to outpace your healing. So I was able to go because of my insurance stuff, I was able to go twice a week and then once a week, and then every other week until I started getting better. So I mean it was it was a long recovery. It was in outpatient for roughly three months, you know, and you know, like I said, sometimes all day, you know, every every other day, and and other times it was once and then every other week. And it it had a lot of different activities, learning how to multitask, uh, you know, trying to be interrupted while you're trying to do work, trying to use your hands for uh accuracy to pick stuff up, had to work on eye exercises, learn how to use my eyes again. Wow, it's like restarting lots of things all over again. Yeah. And then when I remember could learn I could walk, I mean a therapist like, okay, you're not gonna be in a cane, you're gonna be in a walker, and I laughed. I was like, yeah, right, I'm gonna walk her right out of here. July 15, 2016. I remember that day very clearly because those are the hardest 12 steps I ever took in my life. And put the parallel bars and I had to walk. And if you ever think of like a baby when they're walking, their bottoms moving around and they're ready to fall, it's exactly what it was like for me. So again, you're an adult male and you're all of a sudden not able to having to relearn how to walk was it was very hard. And and you know, I hated my walker, I hated it, but I realized it was definitely a necessary tool for it. And so I was fortunate enough, you know, I had short-term disability, so I was okay with my work, and I came back and it was very different coming back in a new environment. You know, I went to my games, which are my biggest social network, and that was really tough because you know, the environment, the noise, the light, and also, but I I tried to push myself into those uncomfortable areas. I I had to relearn how to use my hands and and feeling. So I would move the pieces and stuff with the uh my hands, you know, with role-playing and games or mathematical and analytical and creative thoughts. So I was able to practice my you know turn stuff I learned in speech therapy to kind of learn to do that. Yeah, you're rebuilding physically and mentally and mentally. Yeah, and then when I went back to work, it was remember first it was like, oh, you're gonna, you know, I had 24 hours a week, and I was like, oh, this could be easy, but I tell you, 24 hours a week was exhausting. I'm sure 24, yeah, 32, 40, and you know, I've been at 60, 70 hours since then, but it doesn't really matter a week. But you know, you know, it was tough. And I was in a I came back in a walker, and I remember very clearly there was a gentleman that was one of my cube mates right next to me. I didn't know him before my accident, uh my trauma, my crash. I don't want to call it an accident, it was a crash. So I was, you know, I didn't know him before, and he's a new project manager. We were chatting some. I remember coming back, went up for something. I was in my walker, and he's like, you know, you're moving really well. I was like, thanks, man. He's like, no, I mean you're really moving well. I was like, yeah, dude, thanks. Like, what the hell? And they said, you know, he's like, well, I was in a single, I was in a car crash in '99. My body was basically split in half. My leg was crushed. I was in a coma for two months. And I'm like, holy, oh, oh, oh, oh, holy crap, like, what's going on? What do you mean? And so you would have never known it. And you know, the the man was is one of my best friends now, and he actually became one of the groomsmen of my wedding. I mean, just uh just the aspect of what he was able to do and show me that you know stuff doesn't define you and you really can. So he was another mentor of mine.

Chris: 29:04

Was that a turning point for you in your recovery?

Nicholas: 29:08

It it was, but I mean, truthfully, I mean, I I had a lot of great turning points. I mean, so I've never had a lot of self-value and self-worth. It's just, you know, something that happens with males, depression, etc.

Chris: 29:22

And this is are you talking about deaths before the accident?

Nicholas: 29:26

Before my accident and definitely after. So also again, I I I kept, you know, I'm jumping around a bit because it's it's a lot to take in in nine years. But I was, you know, again, I had a rough separation. I remember going to therapy originally to try to help my wife out with what she was going through, my ex, and I found out how to help myself. So therapy was a very big part of who I was. My trauma happened. I was still in therapy, and then I didn't see my therapist for roughly a month because I was in the hospital. I remember going there, seeing her in a wheelchair, girlfriend riding me in there, driving me in there, and then a week later, uh, she suffered a heart attack and couldn't practice anymore. So this is your therapy? You know, I yeah, this is my you know, my my social work, my therapist, licensed clinical social worker, so psychologist. So she, yeah, so she had this. So I was like, man, all my safety's gone. I was like freaking out. Like, what am I gonna do? So I I made sure I understood how important my mental health was. So I remember going to psychology today and putting my address, my zip code, what am I trying to look with in insurance? And then I got like, you know, here's 10 people. So I started emailing them. I emailed five or six people, two of them messaged me back and said, Oh, they can't see patients right now. One of them did and said, I can, but I only worked work hours, which is like basically, you know, eight to five, eight to four was their hours. I said, Okay, and I said, remember telling them, I said, Well, the mental health is very important to me, and I'm so grateful I did. I mean, she's still my therapist now, and we've helped she's helped me accomplish so much through it, and you know, which leads to a lot of my advocacy work because you know, I before my trauma, I had fantastic insurance, but you know, our American health system is just awful. And they started trading insurance around when I switched companies or company change to different insurance to save money, and you know, I'm spending you know $17,000, $25,000 a year on my insurance because that's how little they'll want to cover. So, and a lot of it's mental health. And people say, Well, we have different therapists. I said, You're exactly right. And I'll tell them immediately. I said, So, which babysitter you want me to send to you right now? What do you want me to do to your pet sitter? Oh, I'll send someone, and they get really defensive. I was like, Exactly. So don't tell me I you you can do a different therapist when I've you know this person's been helping me out since my trauma, since you know my after my brain injury. Like, how dare you start trying to say, Oh, you can just use this person because I don't accept that at all. So that made me realize I need to do more. Yeah, I needed to fight more for this. So I reached out to my state. Uh hold on one second.

Chris: 32:01

Let me we get we get into deep. Hold on, let me let me pull you back. Yep, let me pull you back. I have questions. Okay, I want to talk about the mental health. How did your mental health struggles shift after the accident?

Nicholas: 32:16

So the trauma, the the crash, the trauma definitely made you made me feel very isolated, made me feel very alone in it. I mean, brain injuries, again, invisible, but I remember being trapped in the darkness and doing everything I could to escape the madness and the I always say trip the darkness after my my friends in the band, the Kuna Coil, they have a song, but it's just about coming through for me, it's the journey of coming through a brain injury of just trying to get out of the dark. So, you know, that has a lot of panic, a lot of fear. Males that are traumatic brain injury survivors are twice as likely to, you know, die by suicide than a regular person. So do you think was that something that you thought about? I I can't really say yes or no. I do know that I had someone that I was I just knew, a gamer friend, and just I knew him in a game. And when he died by you know suicide, he uh I don't like saying commit because that seems like it's a crime. You know, uh when he died by suicide, it was very jarring to me. So that couldn't be on the table because I knew how hard it was, and someone that I didn't even really, you know, I just knew. And I was like, there's absolutely no way I can do that because I can imagine people I love. So it wasn't easy, but you know, and the frustration and anxiety, you know, they say, you know, depression is a lion charging at you in the grass. Anxiety is being in the tall grass knowing there's a lion out there. Oh wow. So I'd rather have depression than anxiety, but when I had them both, it's it's just fantastic. So again, right side brain injury is a lot of your you know, executive functions, a lot of your you know, your concentration, your compulsivity, which leads to a lot of anxiety and anger. So it definitely exacerbated all situations. I mean, I was probably extremely high functioning ADHD before, but after my trauma, it definitely became more prevalent, and I needed to you know see doctors and seek help for that to be, you know, help have that care. So I always think, I feel I'm not a scientist, I'm not a doctor, but I do believe that brain injuries will exacerbate or you know greatly amplify certain you know conditions that might have been underlying. Again, I've yeah, I've been in different talks, I've been in webinars, I've done keynotes, and I've heard people speak, doctors speak of similar instances, and I can only just say what worked or what happened through my experience. Something that's very conscious being a trauma survivor.

Chris: 34:54

Yeah, that's what misconceptions are.

Nicholas: 34:57

I can never give medical advice. Sorry, go ahead.

Chris: 34:59

No, no, no. What misconceptions about depression or anxiety do you wish more people understood?

Nicholas: 35:07

All right. What list do we want to start with? That just because they look okay does not mean we're okay. People think is nice one of the strongest ones. I mean, so that's number one. Number two, you are everyone is everyone can get depressed, everyone can uh you know be anxious, and that doesn't make them ill, doesn't make them a different type of person, it just makes them human. So learning, trying to understand and learn what causes and what's the root of some of your instances. They say anger is a secondary emotion. So I learned that in my first, you know, with my first therapist when I was working through cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT. So I figured, what was the thing that triggered me to be angry? Well, being frustrated or belittled. Well, guess what? When you're in the hospital, can't use your hands, do clean you up. Very belittling and very frustrating. So instead of just going towards anger, I I kind of broke down that understanding of myself and said, okay, I'm just in a bad situation. This is what I'm doing. So, like I always try to challenge myself when I'm frustrated, getting frustrated or belittled. What I try to do is I try to do the exact opposite. So I'll try to explain things to people to help with stop their frustration or explain it to myself out loud. And then if I'm if I'm starting to get very belittled, I'll do something to help lift someone else up because that shows me that you know I'm not that. So gratitude, you know, yeah, grati attitude of gratitude is what another mentor says. So, you know, depression was definitely there. I didn't have there wasn't many support groups active when I after my trauma. Did you know that you were depressed? Oh, a hundred percent. I mean, I was depressed before that. Okay, that's funny because my music is very a lot of dirges, it's very lifelike. Yeah, so has it changed now?

Chris: 37:07

Are you still there? Has the music changed? Absolutely not.

Nicholas: 37:10

Nope. I mean it it it got even better. I mean, I became friends. So again, before my trauma, for my crash, when I was going to separation, I had this radio station and I did, and it had a lot of dark lyrics and were you on the radio station? I was my ears. No, I didn't know. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay. I was like, wow, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, but my Pandora was on, so it was always like you know, typo and lacuna coil and deft tones and opa. They have a lot of you know dark undertones and just but they spoke about real emotion, so I can connect to it. So that's why I tend to listen to that. And you know, but I I again we're gonna go down this path, but that's how I was I you know, I really these bands, some of these bands inspired me, and I never got to see my favorite band typo before the lead singer passed. I I put it off. I had work, I had work, and I was like, I'll do it next year, next year. And I and then he passed. So hard aneurysm. So I was like, okay, I'm never gonna not take the opportunity. So that's when I started going to concerts more again after a brain injury, it's very tough, you know, very awkward, very uh intimidating. But I said, I want to see a band that really helped me through my trauma. I like I like a harder music, but I like a female vocalist, such as with them, very similar to like to Amy, uh Amy Lee and Evan Essence type of uh music, but I like a harder sound and that and that siren-esque voice that that uh kind of cuts through it. Yeah, yeah. So the lead vocalist Christina Scabia, she does a lot in the band Lakuna Cola, does a lot of outreach and does a lot of they're really good with their community. So I was like, you know what, I'm gonna go meet them. And so I did, and I talked to some people, and then you know, it was cool to meet these people. Then I said, you know, we go see them again. So I didn't see them for the first time until 2019, right before the pandemic. Pandemic happened, and they're Italian, and and they so they had a lot of I mean, Italy was the first one really showing its effects, so but her compassion was good. I started following Instagram, and then you know, now all of a sudden I'm following a band literally around the globe, going to London to see them play. Oh, you've become a you've become a goofy now. That's cool. Yeah, it's it's it's pretty cool though. I know people from you know seeing these shows that some of them local, some of them like, oh, this is my 120th show. This is my 70th show, and it's just it's such a cool community that I've met. And again, it's it's in my we'll talk more, obviously. I have so many stories, obviously. I'm going, but the I I was able to reach out to the artist and and because they said, I was about to say, did you did you make contact with her after all the okay?

Chris: 39:52

Did she contact you back?

Nicholas: 39:55

Yeah, oh yeah. So you have a Twitch channel, we would message them on Twitch, and I would be there, and then she had a big thing one time on Instagram where she posts something about like F-strokes or something like that. It was a campaign, so she had a shirt on, and I was like, I want to reach out to her because I work, I volunteer with a lot of stroke survivors as well in the hospital. So I wanted to start this conversation about brain injury, what it is, and she was pretty fascinated. She loved my story, hearing about me coming through because music, so she decided to do an interview with myself and another brain injury survivor, and it was nice, it was amazing, and it was I know that it's impactful because literally a week later, she was on another major YouTube channel and Charismatic Voice, and they interviewed her, and and she mentioned a fan reached out to her and told about a brain injury and how their music helped them. And I'm like, wow, that's something you know. So I was able to help change someone to show their creativity, and that's it. That's what I've tried to do since my trauma always take a second to say thanks to someone. I mean, there's not necessarily my trauma.

Chris: 41:03

Yep. What does healing mean to you now as a trauma and brain injury survivor?

Nicholas: 41:11

Healing to me now. So healing is is a weird word. So I'm I'm healed, I healed really well physically, you know, mentally, you know, I still have nerve issues, everybody has it, but my healing now is I don't want to say it's maxed out, it can change anytime. But for me, healing is finding ways to support others. That has been my choice in my life and taking this experience to, you know, I've learned through another mentor to state, why not me? So I never get in a pity party. Why not me? As well, I'm You know, 35-year-old male at the time. I'm a you know 45-year-old male now, and it's like I can handle it. Why not me? And so I do why not me, and I try to challenge all the norms and try to face that, you know, with my vulnerability to expose, to show people that they are not alone in these journeys and that we are, you know, we're all part of the same, we're all together in this crazy world, good or bad. And trying to recognize that is very critical for anybody in their healing. So for me, healing is a hundred percent what when I help others and able to help support in ways I never thought was fathomable before my trauma.

Chris: 42:29

I love that. Great answer. That's a great answer. Let me ask you, what are like what would you say is if someone was currently living in this type of situation, isolation or early stage recovery, what advice would you give to someone who might be dealing with this that maybe you wished you had been received when you started your healing? Right.

Nicholas: 42:53

I will say that I would say to them that you were not alone. Trauma is the number one cause of death between the ages of 18 and 45. Wow. Technically, one to 17, but one to 17 is gunshots, number one cause of death. Wow. But that's still considered trauma. So trauma is the number one cause of death between those ages. So I would let people know that they are not alone in this. And every incident modality could be a fall, could be running over by a vehicle, could be a stabbing, gunshot, whatever. And that people all across the spectrum. But the one thing that is not that keeps us together and communicative is the recovery, is going through that dark times, is feeling alone. And we're not alone. When we speak our vulnerabilities, it'll show people that we're there, that we are, you know, with them and that they are not alone in these journeys. And, you know, when I've done that, I've had people reach out to me and let them know how trauma affected them by you know car accidents for spouses or in-laws. And again, it is a very small world. So when you have one of those injuries, you it's important to reach out to others to support groups, reach out to whoever you can. And even if it's not someone that might be a trauma survivor, just reach out to someone to say, Hey, how are you doing? Because you know, have an attitude of gratitude. And when you can smile, as I smile, think about opening the door for someone and smiling at them, made them feel good, and it makes us feel good too. Yeah. So just trying to allow yourself to not get stuck in the which is justifiable sometimes, the anger, what happened, anger, of course, the feel of the loss of what you have, because everything is loss in grief. But you know, we only grow through challenges. That's a stupid part of the human race. We only grow through challenges. Yeah, so allow yourself the grace you would give me, a loved one or a friend, allow yourself the grace to learn the path, learn this as you go along as well.

Chris: 44:59

I love that. That's so great. Nice, very nicely said. What do you find is the most common questions or messages you might receive from people you support or advocate for?

Nicholas: 45:13

Well, number one, you look okay. Nothing looks wrong with you. Why are you so good? Oh, is that people not understanding that just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there. Working with brain injury survivors has taught me a lot. I mean, there was a person that came to my wedding, you know, so we'll we'll talk about that in a second. But you know, I didn't know uh her before it, and I met her through this mentoring program at the hospital, and you know, her accident happened in nine in 82 and closed head injury. And when you speak to her, it's you know, it's difficult for people to hear or understand if they're just like not paying attention. But I promise they understand everything that we say, we just don't take the time to listen, and that's really important to someone because you're devaluing who they are by just ignoring what they're saying, or oh, well, you know, you're you're slow, it doesn't matter. So I've learned how to communicate better through my brain injury, being able to speak to someone directly, make sure I'm very clear. Yes, and I slow down, give myself, you know, space between stimulus and response is where the power lies. Victor Frankel, just understanding that if I slow down, count to three, I can I can state things because they're not to fill up space, to give myself a chance to think and breathe. Yeah, digest it and yeah. So I mean that was a long answer to understand that we're not necessarily people don't necessarily have to wear a badge of what they went through on them, but they still should be treated like a person because treat them like you would want to be treated yourself, and we do that, it kind of really helps everybody's healing and everybody's where they are.

Chris: 46:59

Right? So true. That is so true. Um, I wanted to ask, you talk about tabletop gaming as part of your recovery. Are you still doing tabletop gaming? Is it something that's still happening now?

Nicholas: 47:16

Oh, yeah, Mike I said, my nerd street cred's pretty high. But I I just came back from PAX Unplugged. I'm on a committee for one of the role players.

Chris: 47:25

Please tell us all.

Nicholas: 47:26

PAX Unplugged, yeah. So Plaques Unplugged is a you know, Penny Arcade Expo, but they have uh a convention that is just for tabletop, not tabletop card games, not powered, PAX Unplugged in Philadelphia. So I volunteer for one of the major publishers, organizations, Organized Play Foundation for Pieso. They they run a game called Pathfinder. It's one of the biggest competitor to the world's most, you know, oldest role-playing game, Dungeon Dragons. Oh, okay. And that really helped me through my recovery. So I believe I mentioned earlier going to the games after trauma, I was in a wheelchair, but I used tabletop games to kind of separate myself and get into a public space, get into where people can talk to me, learn from me. I can learn from them, and and being that uncomfortable place. And doing that also allowed me to heal as well because I found ways to support others. So, you know, a survivor, doesn't matter what, is isolated. They do feel alone. And, you know, with organized play, the you know, running the games, I was able to connect to people to give them a safe space from LGBTQ to someone just struggling with whatever. Yeah, it's it's it's every you know, every place. And the nice thing is they come together through this game that people don't find silly, but we are able to give them a safe space for that. And that's something that is very powerful for me with my recovery because again, I felt something I was so lost after my brain injury a hundred percent. And allowing them to be creative in that space is something that's a gift that is is great. And I've had people reach out to me, so I run and organize all the events in Northern Virginia and DC for organized play, Pathfinder, and Starfinder. So I run conventions all the way down the East Coast. You know, I've run three almost 400 games of the one new system, and wow, I do what I can because it is it's rewarding to me and it's awarding to the community. So that's awesome. And that's definitely been a wow, thank you. It's it's definitely been a real thing and a real hope for my healing. And so, example, we use miniatures and other items, and in it's you know, math rocks, dice, and you know, I remember before my trauma, I'd never I paid people to paint my little figurines of my miniatures, but after during pandemic, I was so anxious because I couldn't go to live games. It was it was crushing to me. It was pandemic created me, it was just like after my trauma where I felt alone, stuck in everything. So, but I I did I tried I learned how to I started learning how to paint these miniatures, and then all of a sudden I'm that's how I'm beating my my um I'm in therapy, I'm listening to books, I'm painting these little miniatures and learn learning to do it. So for me, that was again a therapeutic step that that the gaming helped lead me into. Yeah, and and the nice thing is about organized play, it's literally around the globe. So when I went to London to see the Lacuna Coil concert, there was a convent comic convention. I met people at that convention to play games with. So it's like it's really cool no matter where I go. When I had to travel the country, the different sites, Austin or can you know California, wherever, Denver, I would go and I can play a game when I'm out there. So I'm going to Tennessee tonight, and tomorrow I'm gonna play a game down there. I'm going through work, but I'm able to do something with my community to help refill me. I love that.

Chris: 51:09

That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when you say it's worldwide, and you can, you know, wherever you're traveling, you can find that sense of support. And yeah, that's cool. I didn't realize that it was so big until after you said all this. I knew people were doing it, of course, here, and you know, they talk about it. It's you know, people playing, but I didn't realize that it was so worldwide, so that's pretty cool.

Nicholas: 51:30

Yeah, and it's it's really neat. Again, I've learned, you know, I learned a lot through my HIPAA training with the hospital and my you know, because I volunteer for uh trauma survivors and I work and I volunteer in the hospital. So I've learned a lot about that just working with people and being you know, just communicative. But when I work with some amazing, when I not work, when I play and run for some amazing people that are LGBTQ, that you know, they and them, you know, it it is so wonderful to give them a space to be creative because it's like when you go way and I go to a concert, I tell people, I was like, remember, there's thousands of like-minded people here for one thing. So even if you're different on so much, there's one thing that brought you here, and that's that's the nice thing about role-playing games and and this gaming world is that people can actually, you know, be a character other than themselves, or be a character they want to be. If they feel trapped in their own body, you can make some you know, a crazy troll or make crazy alien, whatever, just because you want to feel unique. And that's so what's really important in the world right now is just having people be able to feel like they can find a place to belong, no matter how hard it is.

Chris: 52:46

So true. So so true. If listeners take away only one message from your story, what do you hope that it is?

Nicholas: 52:58

What do I hope this is? So understand you're not alone and that healing is not a zero-sum game where just because you're doing well or not doesn't take away from anybody else. And understanding that every day I promise the sun will rise tomorrow, and hope is a free medicine, so having that little bit of hope can help us you know move through the the rough and the rest of the the world. I love that.

Chris: 53:31

You're so true. Just a little bit of hope for sure. Keep hope alive, keep hope alive. I like to ask all my guests this final question Is your glass half empty or half full?

Nicholas: 53:45

Oh, that's a tough one. I would say it is, I would say it's overflowing half because uh, you know, I said to myself, I was like, okay, three years ago, I would have never imagined traveling the world and being friends with uh an international band, knowing people from around the globe, being reached out to by you know Amelia Clark's foundation for brain injury and and like featuring me as an advocate. I never thought, you know, three years before that I'd go to Congress, I'd speak to class, you know, teams and students. And before that, I never would imagine being able to do a keynote speech and and and you know, mentor. So and that's in nine years. Wow. So nice. And so I am always ready to fill up my glass a little more because there's more I can give, and there's more I want to do to help others understand that nobody's alone in this whole journey of called life. That, you know, find your journey, if you will, find your path and where you are. Yes, yes.

Chris: 54:55

I love it, I love it, I love it. Yes. Do you have any final thoughts for our listeners?

Nicholas: 55:05

I just like I mentioned, you're not alone in this journey, and know that it's okay to be yourself, it's okay to find ways to be creative from music to games to just you know hanging out with your pets, talking to them. It still allows us to be in a safe space, and everybody deserves happiness, and including you know ourselves.

Chris: 55:29

So true, so true. We sure do. We all deserve it, definitely. Thank you so much. I really wanted to say if people want to find out a little bit more about you, how can they reach you? Please tell us.

Nicholas: 55:43

So I have a simple little link tree at gift of perspective, g-if t of perspective, all one word uh on Linktree. I also have uh Instagram that I post some stuff about my concerts at at npr underscore nerd, and I'll put any podcasts or any other activities I'm in. And so and I've and through that site, I've been able to reach others that have seen something. They'll they'll they'll talk to me because they listen to my webinar, but they're from Costa Rica and they'll look at the other things or they'll reach out to me because they they listen to my interview with Christina from the band and worldwide and let them know that you know they they're an emt driver in uh New Zealand and how important it is hearing my story. So that's that that's where I can you know put everything out there, and it's also good for me to see a timeline. So anyhow, that was a long thing at a link tree at gift of perspective.

Chris: 56:40

Excellent. And all of this information will be listed when the podcast is released so that way everyone can just have a it's a click away. So no one has to be writing anything down because you know they don't do that anymore. So but it will be there for sure for everybody to be able to contact you easily. Thank you so much for being a guest here on Glass Half Full. We are so happy to have had you today. Thank you.

Nicholas: 57:08

I I greatly appreciate this. This was a wonderful conversation, and I appreciate you your flexibility making this happen. This was great.

Chris: 57:15

My pleasure. I appreciate you sharing your story, and we want you to continue on with your message that you're putting back forth and helping others and you know, just giving that support. I think it's great. And through that, we are blessed, you know, when we give of ourselves. So it's great. I expect to hear great things continuing on for you as the time continues. So we will definitely continue to be in touch. Thank you for your time today.

Nicholas: 57:41

Thank you.

Chris: 57:42

You have a great day. We'll be in touch soon. All right, cool. Thank you. Bye bye.