Blended family life: the realities and how to make it work

If you’re navigating life in a stepfamily and finding the dynamics more complex than you expected, this episode offers practical guidance to help you build stronger, healthier relationships.

In this episode, Kate is joined by April Eldemire, a licensed marriage and family therapist and former stepmum, and Bec Jones, Head of Negotiation at amicable, to explore the realities of blended and stepfamily life. Together, they unpack some of the most common challenges blended families face and share thoughtful advice on how to create a more connected and supportive family environment.

We talk about:

• How the 'evil stepmother' stereotype still affects stepmums today
• Common challenges when creating blended families
• Setting boundaries and approaching discipline in stepfamilies
• How the couple’s relationship can shape stepfamily stability
• Building strong relationships with stepchildren over time

This episode is for parents and step-parents building blended families, who want to approach stepfamily life with more understanding, patience and confidence.

Meet April and Bec

April Eldemire is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, former stepmum, and the creator of The Blended Family Alignment Blueprint, a framework that helps couples end power struggles and parent as a united team. While April’s own blended family didn’t last, her journey fuels her passion for helping others avoid the same mistakes she made. With over 13 years of experience specialising in stepfamily dynamics, she’s on a mission to help families replace conflict with teamwork and build homes where love can finally lead.

Having had over 10 years of experience as a divorce lawyer, Bec Jones leads amicable's Negotiation team. She played a vital role in developing the amicable process and is renowned for her empathetic approach. With expertise in child arrangements, blended families and complex finances, she is a fountain of knowledge.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:05

Welcome to the Divorce Podcast, where we explore all aspects of ending relationships, separation, and parenting apart. If your marriage or partnership has ended, or you have friends and family who are separating, this podcast is for you. I'm Kate Daly, a relationship counsellor, divorce specialist, and co-founder of Amicable, the online legal service for separating couples. In each episode, we look at relationships and separation from different angles, including the emotional, legal, and social. I'm joined by experts and special guests who share their own unique stories, experience, and tips, with the goal of helping people end relationships in a kinder and better way. In this episode, I'm joined by licensed marriage and family therapist and former step-mum, April Eldermeer, alongside Amicable's head of negotiation, Beck Jones, to talk about the realities of stepfamily life. We explore where the evil stepmother stereotype comes from and the impact it can still have today, the most common challenges step families face, and the delicate balance around discipline and boundaries. We also discussed the role your relationship plays in creating stability at home and how step-parents can build meaningful bonds with stepchildren. We finished with practical tips to help step families grow stronger and more connected. If you loved this episode, then please subscribe and rate us on your preferred listening platform. Welcome back and welcome April. Thank you so much for having us. Thanks, Kate, and thanks for having us on. It's lovely to see you both. Thank you for joining me. Right, so today we're going to talk about step families, and I thought we'd start with a little bit of kind of myth busting, if you like. So we know, April, don't we, that there's been a stereotype around for years about the evil step mum. So let's dive in there and tell me a little bit about whether or not you think this is a true stereotype and the impact that that sort of fictional narrative has on how people approach step-parenting in general.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Oh, yes. It has such a negative spin to it, doesn't it, when you say it like that? The evil stepmom stereotype. And it's centuries old, but I think it is rooted in real belief systems around a stepparent coming in and possibly competing with the biological parent. So there might be feelings of jealousy or loss or competition involved. And then on the other side, the stepparent comes in and almost feels like they have to prove themselves. So while it is an old stereotype, I think even modern day blended families struggle with this. It's being more normalized, but I do think it has a uh still a strong presence in the home.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

And I put is it a gendered thing? Is did do stepmoms get more kind of flack than stepdads? Or is is are we talking about a very general concern that, you know, the notion of replacing a parent or being seen to replace a parent and the competition in that element is that's what it's kind of triggering in people?

SPEAKER_01 3:16

I think it has a little bit of that across the board, but I think there's a lot more pressure on step moms in particular. You know, we've got very significant shoes to fill. We're coming in as, you know, wanting to connect with kids, but also needing to have some discipline structure and some leadership aspects as well. And you also have to find a balance of dealing with the ex or the your partner's ex to some extent. So there's just a lot of moving parts. And I think moms in particular have, you know, a high standard that they want to meet, and they really want to come into their new blended family with ease, but also wanting to figure out, okay, what exactly is their role? And and and moms need to know where they fit in, where their roles are and where their alignment lies in the family system. So I think it's across the board, but I do think that stepmoms have an extra element to it too.

SPEAKER_02 4:16

And Beck, from your own kind of blended family experience, did this kind of evil stepmom narrative kind of did that play into how you approached or how you felt when stepping into a sort of a stepmom role?

SPEAKER_00 4:30

I think okay, in in my personal blended family, I was the my ex's wife was the first step parent, if you see what I mean. So I was almost accepting her. And I think you know what April was saying, I think she's right. I think you do, you come in thinking, I need to, you know, it's a big role to fill, and I want to do a good job, and there's lots of all that going on. So I had that experience of hearing from her how she felt. And I personally, I one of the hardest things I've ever done is accept another woman into my children's lives. And it's the best thing. I think it's a great thing. I think it can be just a really positive experience, but it was hard. And I think allowing them to do something that maybe you couldn't do, and for me, one thing that really sticks in mind, this was 10 years ago, my my boys are teenagers and not even like this now. But what she sort of made cupcakes with my little boy was like three, and I couldn't, because there were three of them, and I couldn't do that on my own. And I remember thinking, I'm so upset, she's making cupcakes. And then I realized actually, do you know what? How lovely she wants to do that with my child, and he can then do that with somebody, even if I can't. And I realized then that it wasn't trying to compete with me. I felt like that, and of course you would, you do, but actually, it can be a really good experience. So I, after experiencing that and her feeding back to me, actually, because we do have quite a good relationship, how she felt and how hard that was. When I then became a step parent in that scenario, I was quite conscious of that and almost understanding of I need to know how it's gonna land with you know my partner's the mum of his kids, and just being really conscious of that. So I totally get that it's kind of there and it's a feeling, and I think that's because there is a lot of pressure, and we all want to do a good job. We all want to be a great step-mum and we all want to accept the step-mum, and it's and it's hard. It's hard.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

And April, that kind of way of looking at it that Beck's describing, you know, the benefit of having somebody tell her and give her feedback on what it was like from her perspective, as well as Beck having her own feelings, that feels like a gift in a way. I mean, I don't need to make light of it. I know how difficult it was for you, Beck, because you worked with us at that time as well, didn't you? So I rem I can remember all of this really vividly, but just what a gift to be able to have that feedback and to have the insight of somebody else. How important do you think it is that we see things from multiple perspectives? It's very easy to get trapped in your own world in this, isn't it? And to feel those hurt and precious feelings.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Oh, it is. And that hits so close to home. Beck, as you describe your story, I I have a similar one as well. And I think if you're getting different perspectives, it makes you feel more like there's an inclusion of you and the step parent and everyone involved. And I think a lot of times, you know, it takes the you're my enemy out of the equation. And when you can feel like you're all on the same team and your child deserves to be loved by as many people as they want to give, then it can be a really harmonious and beautiful balance. And yet it's a very hard and challenging journey to get there too, because those feelings are real and they're valid and they're so normal to have feelings of jealousy or competition initially, or oh, I wanted to bake those cupcakes and uh it wasn't my weekend, or you know, I don't have the time. So when when you look at it from a just a different angle, I think it does lend itself to a bit of more blending situation rather than a us versus them or me versus that other person.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

I think as well for me, I'm a very competitive person. Beck and I often laugh, don't we? Because she's very competitive too. So we we often laugh about the fact that we are so competitive. But just knowing that it's hard for somebody else actually makes me feel better. Maybe that makes me a very unpleasant person, I don't know. But just knowing that it's not only hard for me in that scenario. So when Becky was saying, you know, that she said it was hard for her as well, that actually makes me feel a bit relieved because it does take the sting of competing out of it. And maybe that's like I say, just a me thing.

SPEAKER_00 8:46

I think it's a human thing. I think it makes you feel better naturally when you feel that I felt like that. And maybe no, who wants to be jealous? Who wants to feel cross and that? So feeling that somebody else actually had quite negative feelings themselves about it, I think normalizes it and makes you think, God, it yeah, it wasn't easy for anybody.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

So yeah, well, it stops it being about you and your personality, and it's more of a this is a situational issue. It's going to bring up these feelings. It's normal and natural for these feelings to exist. So if we can just talk about it, then that actually helps diffuse it rather than sends it into a sort of a personal shame spiral, doesn't it? Where you're feeling guilty about feeling these things on top of having to do, as you were saying, April, all of these other sort of executive management things that you're trying to do to be brilliant as ever. April, what do you think then are some of the most uh common challenges that step parents face?

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Gosh, there's so many. And I think the with with such good intention, I think step families struggle initially with wanting to feel like a whole unit so quickly that they rush into being this beautiful blended family. And the reality is connection takes time and and time then builds trust. And if you don't have connection first, that and emotional safety really of the family unit, then you start to see some resistance, you start to find maybe some loyalty binds from the kids, you know, that that if they give love or if they connect with the step parent, then they're betraying their biological parent, for instance. And then you have the parents maybe undermining each other or trying to get into the disciplinarian role too quickly. And sometimes that can backfire. So my rule of thumb for step families who are starting this journey is to take time to start building connection and emotional safety first. And love and that bond will grow eventually from there.

SPEAKER_02 10:49

It must be quite hard, Beck, though, because some of the practicalities of when you're trying to be a blended family and just the sheer number of people in a house all of a sudden and that kind of stuff, to not want to put that sort of those boundaries in about discipline and regulation and you know how it all works from a practical perspective. And is it okay to ask your partner to go and pick somebody up? And will that upset the child and all that? So, how did you navigate all of that? Was there an order to it?

SPEAKER_00 11:17

I've been in a blended family for sort of eight years. It's quite a long time now, but I can still a really important thing, I think, is the kind of communication part of it, which I think you can absolutely set boundaries at the start with your partner about kind of expectations and how you want it to be. And also actually with the the kids, obviously, depending how old they are, but I think telling them, you know, you mentioned April about them feeling guilty. You know, you can say I'm absolutely not here to take the place of doing anything that mum or dad does, but I want to help them do it, it makes them feel safe and okay to do it. So I think in terms of the boundaries and the communication early with your partner to do that, I I think one of the big things for me is the is the management of expectations kind of early on, because I've got five in a blended family. So sometimes logistically we can be all over the place. So you have to have a plan in place and you have to be able to do things for each other. But I think you like you said, you take a while to build a connection with with with your stepchildren, and that's because it it's you know, you've chosen this, right? It's not just there, so it takes a time to build up. And I think it's okay for you and your partner to record to say to each other that you might feel different between your children and your stepchildren, and that's okay. You can love them all, but it doesn't mean that you have to be you be consistent, but you can sort of do things differently. And I think as long as you're open with your partner about that, I think that can really, really help at the start because at the end of the day, you've got to operate the family, but sometimes you might have to do more things for your children than a step parent. And I think that's okay, you know, to be able to manage those expectations. So open communication early on is crucial, I think. Go on, April.

SPEAKER_02 13:00

Tell us about your experience then when you were being a step-mum. How did that play out for you? How did you set up that kind of initial, right? These are the rules, these are the boundaries, this is the expectation management.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

You know, I I have to say it personally, the the integration of discipline and bonding with my stepkids at the time wasn't really the issue. It was an alignment problem with my ex-partner at the time. And that's why my marriage and my stepfamily didn't last. But in terms of how we did it, I think that that's actually where we really shined. It was a slow integration. And what we discussed early on was that he would be the primary disciplinarian initially. And I would focus on emotion and relationship building and making sure that the kids felt really comfortable with me. And then over time, what we would do is make sure that we were aligned with discipline, how we would parent the kids in private, and we would present as a unified front, sort of to them in public. So we were, we never we tried to always stay on the same page so that the kids didn't see through the cracks of parenting and you know, play each other's sides. If we presented as a united front where the kids were concerned over time, I was able to become more of the disciplinarian and just implement a little bit more of the rhythm of you know family structure. And so it did take some time to adjust to, but you know, it's it's again, it's that slow process and slow integration and focusing on connection over correction is a really important first step.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

Yeah, I try and I have to try and remind myself that with my son still. Connect before you correct, I find that quite hard. I'll be honest.

SPEAKER_00 14:50

I think it's it's just like parenting, isn't it? Like you said, if you're there together, however you do it, you need to be united front, whether your parent, step-parent, mum and dad, or mum doing it, or dad doing it. I think you know you really have got to show that to the kids because they do take advantage of any situation that they can quite a lot of the time. And I agree with you, April. I think once you've built that connection, it's easier to then help with more with the discipline because the because they trust you more, don't they? And kind of you've got that connection, so you can then start to do it in a different way.

SPEAKER_02 15:21

It's interesting, isn't it? Because discipline must be one of the hardest bits to get right. So, Beck, I know we've talked about this before, but when you are a step-parenting and you've got everybody there, do you discipline your partner's kids now, or do you not discipline them? Or how did that all come about?

SPEAKER_00 15:40

I think I have to, because we kind of, if we are living in the house together, and equally he has to discipline my kids, because sometimes he's not there. So I think, or I'm not there. So I think you have to be able to, when you're living in a family, in a blended family, have the ability to discipline children when things happen in that moment. And if you didn't have that gravitas or ability to do it, then you couldn't do it on your own. So I think it's important to be able to do it. But I think that there's bigger things or bigger issues. I would, there's certain things that I would leave to him with his own children, you know, like a bigger emotional thing if something was going on. I wouldn't try and step in and take over with that. But I definitely think it's important for him to be able to discipline mine and for me to be able for the film to listen to us all basically. Well, when they do listen, you know, within reason. But yeah, absolutely think it's good for us to be able to do it to each other's kids.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

And April, you mentioned then that your issues weren't so much setting up the new blended family, they were more issues of your relationship or your residual relationship with your ex-partner. Tell us a little bit about that, because I guess that plays into it, doesn't it? Because you've got multiple relationships going on here, haven't you? So your relationship with your ex, just describe what the issue was there.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Well, I think it it certainly wasn't a lack of love. It was a lack of alignment. And when I say that, whether it was my personal experience or, you know, working with so many couples over the years, what I felt, and now what I see working with couples is that, you know, you come in with very different parenting blueprints, so to speak. You know, this is how we were raised, what we were taught, how we even parented with an ex, for instance. And so we're coming in with a different blueprint, a different expectation of how your family should function. And if there's not emotional connection happening between partners and you don't have a solid system of conflict resolution and repair, and you also don't have role clarity, who does what when, who takes over in this aspect of our lives, who handles discipline, who handles parenting, these issues, for instance, then it feels a bit like pretty chaotic parenting, so to speak. And so I think that was a lot of what we struggled with. There was so much chaos in terms of how we would parent and when, and if the, for instance, screen time or, you know, bedtime routines and those kinds of things, there would always be sort of this tug of war. And usually people, couples, partners aren't really fighting about bedtime or screen time, for instance. They're fighting about what it means. And we could never get the depth of our relationship going enough to say, well, what does this mean to you? So that we could then be aligned with how we would implement those kinds of expectations in our home. And so I think that was the main problem. It wasn't a love issue, it wasn't a bonding issue even with the kids. It was more about how we would approach our family alignment system. What were our house rules? What were the expectations? What were the value system that we wanted to have set up for everybody in the home? And that's where we really struggled.

SPEAKER_02 19:28

And I guess that must be quite common because I imagine, you know, there's lots of situations where parents aren't on the same page, whether they stay together or not, are they? And some of this just goes under the radar under the auspices of everyday life, doesn't it? We just we just get on with it, we get our frustrations or whatever, and we don't ever talk about it. It's so I I guess are you an advocate then of like Beck was saying, trying to have these conversations early on about, you know, we really need to surface some of our fundamental beliefs about parenting and what it means so that we can either get on the same page or agree that we're not on the same page and we'll have to think of a different solution. But ultimately, I guess it's all about the comms, like Beck was saying.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

It is. I'm I'm I'm in such agreement with what Beck was saying earlier, and as we're discussing this, even in my blended family blueprint course that I give for couples, there's a four-part alignment ritual that we go through. And usually that involves, you know, making sure that you're aligned first and having those conversations. So expressing, okay, where did we feel aligned this week? Where did we not feel aligned this week? There's even an alignment spectrum where, you know, you kind of figure out, okay, where do we fall? Are we in, you know, a unified front position? Are we in a power struggle position, or are we just coexisting? And the power struggle could look like a lot of things that we were talking about earlier, undermining each other in front of the kids. One parent says yes, the other says no, doing it my way, us versus them, my kid versus your kid. And that's sort of the power struggle misalignment piece. And then coexistence is just, I'm in my lane, you're in yours. And there is no sort of, you know, blending or fusion of the family. So you want to be a united front. And how you do that is having this alignment ritual where you're having the conversation about where are we aligned, where do we feel off, and where we're off. How can we find alignment around that? And then expressing some gratitude and appreciation for how hard this journey is and how difficult yet dedicated you are to making the process as streamlined as possible.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

And I guess one of the challenges then as well is you could often be in quite early stages of a relationship with somebody. So you haven't got years behind you and lots of kind of miles under your belt as a couple, have you? Very often, when you're creating a blended family, you know, the family are there very quickly, aren't they? Because that's just the necessity of everyday life. You're already on a parenting schedule with your ex. So you've always got your kids coming at certain times. If those parenting times don't overlap, all of a sudden you've got each other's kids around quite a lot of the time, quite early on in the relationship. So I guess it can put quite a bit of pressure on those relationships, Beck.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

Yeah, I think it can. I think sometimes it kind of reminded me, Kate. Sometimes it can be a little bit like the start. I mean, the start of your relationship, a bit honeymoony periods. It can be a bit like that with. the step kids scenario I find that, you know, at first, depending on what age your children are and when you've decided, you know, with your ex that you're going to introduce kids and everything, but quite often it can be quite almost easy at the start. And you think, oh, this is easy, great. And then obviously you get into the deeper conversations and kids always gonna misbehave or teenagers going to do things you don't like. And that's when I think the harder conversations come about. And I think when you were mentioning April conversation, what really could difficult conversations I've found is if you are going to say something maybe about your stepchildren to your partner about something that's happened that you don't like or you're going to get it back. Someone's telling you something about your kids, that's really hard to take, you know, that kind of parent defensiveness. So you've got to be really clear and open and say, look, this isn't meant to be a criticism. I'm not meaning to, but we need to talk about this. And I think I've found that really helps if you can both not be defensive when you're having these conversations about because let's be honest, we're always defensive for our own kids. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:35

Well you know what it's like when the school phones up don't you you're just like well I'm sure that's not right. And yeah what about the other child? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

Yeah. And it's a bit like that with the stack you know I think you you know the way your when friends come over they can see things that your kids do and you might not. It's actually quite insightful sometimes having a stack around there because they do notice things and you might not like to admit it or hear it at first. But you almost seek a slightly different perspective when you're in it. So it's being able to speak openly and accept I think but yeah I think it it's hard when you've got kids because you just want them to get on when you're in a relationship don't you because it's a big thing. So there's you know parenting is hard as it is parenting in a blended family is like a step above I think so it's just really recognizing that and not putting pressure on you the kids and kind of everyone.

SPEAKER_02 24:24

I mean in if I take a theme out of everything you're both saying at the moment, it feels like you've got to do this in a really conscious way. You've got to be observing yourself in these relationships and and regularly standing back. It's not something that you can just get stuck in and hope for the best with it feels like it's a a more conscientious kind of relationship that you've got and it it needs a little bit of reflection.

SPEAKER_01 24:49

That's so true. That's such a great way to put it Kate conscientiousness and and not rushing the process and realizing that you're going to be up against a lot of resistance initially you know the the kids might feel like they're rejecting you but not to take it personally because it's really their protection not necessarily rejection of you. And so you are building trust with them and they're building trust with you too. You're also human being and you have feelings as well. And I think taking time with your partner and with the kid's dynamic is really important as well as that reflection piece and making sure that you have really strong communication skills and that the values are aligned for you and your partner as you move forward.

SPEAKER_00 25:34

And I think not expecting too much is key because I think sometimes you know with your own kids you get instant almost gratification like those cuddles and stuff not that you don't cuddle your step kids but it's it can be quite different. And I think sometimes you get the recognition a bit later down the line like maybe they just do something little you think yeah actually they really do value what I've been doing. Whereas with your own children it can be quite instant. So not expecting that and just kind of celebrating those little wins I think is really good too.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

It sounds like you need all the qualities that I don't have definitely like patience and taking your time and I'm always in a rush I'm very impatient. So I pity any stepchildren I may ever have. Right well listen everybody in just a moment I am going to ask April and Beck to share their best practice tips to help you build a stronger and more connected blended family. And I know you wouldn't want to miss these. But just before we get to that bit if listening to this episode has just hit a note or it's given you a bit more clarity or comfort or just made things feel a tiny bit manageable or a bit more manageable then please make sure to follow the divorce podcast on your favourite podcast app. Each week we're here with expert advice and real support to help you through separation just one step at a time. Right ladies I'm going to go April 1st if someone is becoming a step parent what's the one thing that you would give them as a tip or advice what do you wish you'd known beforehand you know that you could have that proverbial magic wand and what was the one mindset shift or the daily habit that helped your blended family survive and thrive?

SPEAKER_01 27:22

I would say that the one mantra that I would leave with people who are entering into step families is it's hard, it's complex, it's complicated, but it's worth it. It's worth it if you put in the time and the other thing that I would say is making sure that you're connecting with your partner as as much as possible daily basis even so that your alignment is always intact and there's that strong foundation of role clarity and shared leadership so that you can tackle the blended family with strength and ease.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

Excellent thank you and Beck, what about you? I think I'd say keep being very consistent, keep showing up because it will take time but like April said it's totally worth it and it's a great relationship and for you. And I think also maybe be able to vent with a friend at some point because at points it is really really hard. So just have an outlet as well.

SPEAKER_02 28:22

Lovely they sound like very good tips. It feels to me like you know being in a blended family being step parents is is like looking after a plant that needs a lot of water and a little bit of water but lots of times a day almost doesn't it and you just need to keep checking in having that regular touch point in a way that perhaps you don't always do with a relationship where you know you don't have different people coming in but it just feels like it needs a little bit more kind of scaffolding at the beginning. But yeah it's been super interesting talking to you ladies. April where can people find out more about you if they want to look up your blueprint or find out more about you know what were you speaking about step families and the importance of of how you transition.

SPEAKER_01 29:04

Oh it was such a pleasure today. Thanks for having me and you can find me on Instagram at couples thrive. My website is couples thrive.com fabulous and beck what about you?

SPEAKER_02 29:16

Just look me up on the amicable website. Brilliant. Thanks Beck. And if you want more help and advice from Amicable you can find us at amicable.co.uk we've got lots of free resources. You can also book a free 15-minute consultation as well if you want to speak to somebody about any of the issues that you're having. You can find me on LinkedIn of course and you can hear about new podcast episodes by subscribing for updates and visiting thedivorsepodcast.com or you can download us on your favourite listening platforms. And don't forget we would love to hear from you so share any questions or topics for the podcast by emailing us at hello at amicable.co dot uk thank you very much indeed Beck from Amicable and thank you very much indeed April it's been a real pleasure talking all things step families and thank you everybody for listening