In brief: The hidden cost of delaying divorce

You know your marriage is over. But you're still waiting – for the right moment, more certainty, or permission you're not sure will ever come. This episode is for anyone who's been circling the same question and is ready to stop waiting and start moving forward.

Kate is joined by Farhana Hussain, the UK's first divorce doula and author of She's Not Done Yet, to explore what keeps people stuck in the space between knowing their marriage is over and actually applying for divorce – and how moving forward is about choosing to become the author of your own life.

We talk about:

• Farhana’s own separation story and what led her to write She’s Not Done Yet
• Why people wait – even when they know what they want
• Why even amicable divorces can lead to being stuck
• The emotional and practical cost of delay
• Decision fatigue and why divorce is never just one decision
• How to stop waiting for permission and start authoring your own life

This episode is for anyone who feels like their life is on hold - and is ready to stop waiting and start moving forward.

Meet the Divorce Doula

Farhana Hussain is the UK’s first Divorce Doula, founder of the award-winning business My Divorce Doula™, and author of She’s Not Done Yet: A Divorce Doula’s Manifesto for Women Who Refuse to Stay Stuck. Farhana helps people move from circling the same question to making a clear decision they can stand behind, so they enter the divorce process grounded, prepared and able to engage constructively.

You can get in touch with Farhana through her website and you can buy her book on Amazon today.

More divorce resources

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Kate’s book amicable divorce includes dedicated chapters on navigating the early stages of separation, including deciding whether your relationship is over and having the separation conversation in a way that reduces shock and defensiveness. Find it on Amazon today.

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#EmotionalJourney

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to the Divorce Podcast, where we explore relationships, divorce separation, and parenting apart. This episode is part of our mini-series where we answer your questions, discuss current news and events, and share practical bite-sized tips. I'm your host, Kate Daly, a relationship counsellor, divorce specialist, and co-founder of Amicable, the online legal service for separating couples. This week I'm delighted to be joined by the UK's first divorce dualer, Bahana Hussein, to discuss how you can take control and author your life during divorce when so many things feel uncertain. Now, if you know somebody, a friend, a colleague, or a family member who would really benefit from this particular podcast, please click the share button now.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Welcome for HANA. Thank you so much, Kate. Really looking forward to the conversation.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Well, today we're here to talk all things books, aren't we? We're both authors and we've both got new books out, so this is good. I'm really interested to hear a little bit for people who haven't met you before about your backstory and how you got here, and then diving into the messages in your new book. So off you go, Fahana. How did you get here? Wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

How did I get here? So, a long story short, I am a single mama to three teenage boys, and I had a very long, drawn-out separation and an acrimonious divorce. So that sort of spread over 10 years or so. And I actually hid my divorce for two years, well, my separation for two years. And back then I thought it was because I was absolutely terrified about what people would think, you know, the judgment and how it would affect my children. But after some time, I realized the uncomfortable truth, which was that I was really scared about making a decision. Because if I made a decision, then I was going to be responsible for the outcome of that, if that makes sense. And I was terrified of making the wrong decision. And so that's what actually stopped me from telling people and keeping it hidden. But once I accepted that I'm actually responsible for my life, for you know how I live it, I stopped waiting for things to change. I stopped waiting for my ex to change. And I started taking some small steps forward and really start thinking about what I wanted for me. And I unpack a lot of this in my book because my book, She's Not Done Yet, isn't pro-divorce, it's about ending the waiting. And I guess that's that's what led when I realized that I was just waiting and I was waiting for someone to give me my life back to me, and that that wasn't going to happen. When I realized that my life started to change. And so once a divorce was done and I was find myself being a full-time single mum, I realized that something was missing in the divorce industry in terms of support. I had tried everything. I'd tried counseling, I'd had some coaching, mentoring, but there were just what I really needed was someone to hold my hand, who had kind of been through the process themselves, like a big sister, like an elder, but somebody who could be very practical and not be sort of emotionally attached to me as well, and help me to make decisions that I could stand behind and help me to move forward. So that's how I became a divorce doula. That's very much what my book is about now as well.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

It's so interesting what you're saying there about this idea that you're not pro-divorce, but that limbo and that waiting is just so isolating and it's so difficult for people to navigate. And I hear it all the time, people who, you know, ring up for a first chat about something, and then it's months or years later that they are still going through the motions of trying to, they know the relationship is over, but they just can't leave. And I guess that's what the book is really aiming at, isn't it? And when you just said that, you know, it's about why you shouldn't wait, not about pushing everybody into a divorce. So just let's unpack that a bit. So the difference between not waiting and rushing headlong into a divorce, I always get really offended when people say, oh, you're trying to make divorce popular or easy. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. Nobody rushes into that decision. But there are so many downsides of allowing it to string out over months or years of your life. So let's talk about that space that people can find themselves in.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

Absolutely. There are so many things I want to unpack in what you've just said here. One of the things you just said is about people being in limbo. And it's exactly what I see in my practice as well. That this is controversial, I know, but it's rarely because people are confused that people delay the decision. Like you said, people usually know. By the time they're inquiring and asking questions, they know. But here's the thing that I found in my own story and with my clients is making a decision is really uncomfortable. And this is not just about divorce. That's what I'm saying, it's it's not pro-divorce. This is about when we're in any kind of major life transition, making that decision is uncomfortable because we are then responsible for it. And we we don't want to make the wrong decision. But what is the cost of waiting? Like you said, people wait for months and years, and they're thinking, you know, you don't want to rush into things. And you and I, both in our practices, we're not there to rush people because this is not a decision to rush. It's it affects everything. But also letting it string out over months and years, waiting isn't neutral. It starts to shape you in a very quiet way that you don't realize because it becomes sort of normalized. That waiting, that feeling of stress and tension, the underlying anxiety, you know, like sitting in the car and you don't want to go inside the house. And you really think about what you're gonna say to your partner or the children because you want to avoid conflict. But over time, they become normalized. You don't realize it.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

So just that whole lack of communication becomes normalized, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Normalized. And that I hear it all the time, this sort of bubbling, underlaying sort of anxiety. It's low level, but it's there, and it just becomes normal. And that has a it starts to shape you, and that's the cost that waiting has. It's normal to be worried about the money, to be worried about the children, to be worried about what other people say, even like hoping that maybe things will change. That's normal, and and that can delay decisions. I get that because I've been there and I've seen it with so many of my clients. But also, and this may sting a bit, but it's true from my experience, is that when you make a choice, it becomes real as well, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Yeah, absolutely. I think and I think that's a big part of it. It's the making it real, because whilst you are the person who's responsible for making that decision, in some ways you're in control. You're controlling the narrative, aren't you? I'm not gonna do anything that's gonna actively push this forward. I'm I've said I've done my bit, which is to announce that for me the relationship is over or whatever. Now I'm just gonna sit there and I've got that space to control everything that goes on. You feel in control in a really weird, sort of slightly delusional way, don't you? Because nothing happens. You're sort of you you've done that, you've said it, you've dropped the bomb, and then you were sort of like this, aren't you? Kind of waiting for the next explosion. It doesn't come. And so that then normalness just seeps around and no one's prepared to actually make the next decision. Because I always think divorce or separation or leaving somebody isn't one decision, it's lots of decisions. People focus hugely on the first announcement, the decision that they've made. Is it over? Should I leave? Which is a chapter in my book. So if you if people need help on understanding whether or not it's over, whether this is a short-term problem or whether it's a long-term decline in relationship, then please read the book. But yeah, so you get that point where you've made that decision. That feels like the big one. And then what you don't expect is that actually there are a whole bunch of other decisions that you've got to make and it becomes exhausting, people feel overwhelmed. And so the silence and the normalization of no communication just becomes an easier path, doesn't it? Or a more straightforward path. And I think that's that's really tricky for people to be stuck in that position.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Absolutely. And again, you know, being in this in-between space, as I call it, the book shares a lot of stories of other women and about myself, how we were in that. We knew what we wanted, we'd kind of declared it, but we were in that in-between space of knowing and actually taking action. And what you'll discover as you read the book, that how these stories unfold is that over time, these women in their in their own journeys, because they're in that sort of uncomfortable, you know, in-between space, nothing's really happening, is that over time you stop trusting yourself, if that makes sense. Because, like I said before, you know, the weight, the weighting in itself, that limbo, kind of becomes its own decision after a while. And again, it starts to shape you. You start to identify with that person who starts to second guess herself or doesn't trust himself. And in my book, I describe it as, you know, kind of becoming the victim of your life rather than becoming the author. You start waiting for something outside of you to happen in order to inform what your next step is.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Yeah. It is that sense of waiting, isn't it? Waiting for something to happen and hoping something's going to show up that almost makes it more straightforward to make the decision. And sometimes in kind of quite amicable separations, that feeling is intensified, isn't it? Because if you're in a really toxic relationship or you're in an abusive relationship, the burning platform to leave is there and the status quo is untenable. So it gives you some of that volition and some of that impetus to make multiple decisions in quick succession. But when you're having an amicable divorce and you're doing everything, if you've got children in the best interest of the children, it's very easy then for you to get stuck, as you say, and to not be able to move on. And especially, I think if you're the person who is always the one who's carrying the mental load and making the family decisions day in, day out, another decision to make on top of all of the running of the home and the children, and if you're working as well, just becomes feels like a real weight, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_01 12:03

It does. And, you know, Kate, you and I work together because I've I've worked with some of your clients who are having, you know, really amicable divorces, and you think this is going to, you know, flow really well, nice smooth process. They're both on the same page. But again, what I've found, I've been working with one of the clients, is that yes, they feel very responsible. Obviously, that guilt, you know, um, of not wanting to rock the boat for the other person, wanting to make sure the other person is also ready, you know, not wanting to kind of push things before it's okay to, but without meaning to, they find themselves both just waiting because they again, it's that fear of making a decision that could be the wrong decision, or rocking the boat for each other. And that decision fatigue. Uh, don't that make sense? But you're you're making so many decisions. It's not that one, like you said, it's not that one big decision of right, this is no longer working for us, let's go our separate ways. There are so many smaller decisions to make and so many different decisions that often we become exhausted by it. But again, when you're waiting, whatever the context of your life is at the moment, whoever's listening, no matter whether it is that you're actually in the divorce process or thinking about it or you're on the other side, it's remembering that if we keep waiting for something outside of ourselves, whether it's a situation or the person, to change, then you are going to find yourself in that limbo. And what happens in limbo, the cost of that is your life is on hold, but time is moving on. And life is so precious and short. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. We're not advocating for people to be rushing and saying you must stay or leave. What I'm advocating for, and what my book talks about through stories after stories after stories, is how we take back ownership of our lives because our life is ours to lead. We are free to live our lives. And we forget that sometimes, especially when we're in relationships and in families, we think about everything outside of ourselves. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

It sounds like an amazing book. And I'm in a moment, for Han, I'm going to ask you to share some top tips on how someone can author their own life during a divorce. And I know that nobody would want to miss that, but just before we do, if this episode has given you a bit of clarity or comfort or a tip that's made you find that life is a bit more manageable as a result, then please make sure to follow the divorce podcast on your favorite podcast app. Each week we're here to help with advice and guidance and support through every step of your journey. So for Hannah then, it sounds like this book could be read by anybody in the scenario where they're contemplating divorce or separation. What would you say to anybody listening are the top tips on how you can author rather than being the victim of your own life?

SPEAKER_01 15:18

The first thing I would say about becoming the author of your life is to just slow down. We are so caught up in asking other people's opinions, listening to other people's experiences, searching essentially for answers outside of yourself. That I really encourage everyone to just slow down and start to listen to what you already know. And the minute you start to turn down the noise, the dial, whether it's going for a walk in nature or you know, sitting quietly with your thoughts, you're going to start to realize that there's a lot you already know. And if you are really honest with yourself, which is my next tip about just being honest with yourself, nobody's listening, nobody's going to know, but having a really honest conversation with yourself. That's not easy, but that is a way to start to really see things for what they are for yourself, whether you tell anyone else or not. And then starting to practice trusting that you can make decisions. So that can start off with uh, you know, the small everyday things in your life. It it doesn't have to be done with a relationship, it can be with the running of the home or something to do with work or when you go shopping or deciding about a holiday. Start to do small things that show you, remind you that you can trust yourself to make a decision and stand behind that decision, and that you can handle whatever the outcome is, learning to believe. And that might just be something you start to say to yourself that no, I'm making a decision, and no matter what the outcome, I can handle it. Um, and a great way to do that is post-its. I'm a great lover of post-its. I I tell my clients all the time, if nothing else, just put on a post-it and breathe and stick through. Because that alone, you know, can be so, so helpful to just get you grounded. Take a breath, because when you take that breath and get grounded, you'll feel a bit calmer and you can think a bit more clearly. So they're like real basic tips, but they're very foundational and powerful at the same time as well. And to stop waiting for someone to give you permission to choose, to decide what you believe in, because every single one of us, we are human and we are sovereign. It's a word I use a lot in my book, sovereign. Sovereign is, you know, that you are free to lead your life. You are free to be in the driving seat of your life. That is your birthright. You don't need permission to lead that life. And so nobody gets to give you permission. Don't give that power away. It is yours to live. And that is what my book, you know, like this what my book will show you through lots and lots of different stories. I hope that uh if you read this book, it will feel like a blindfold has been removed. Because what it's going to do is not the how-to, but it's going to shift your perspective on how you see your life so that you can stop waiting and start making choices that move forward.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

Brilliant advice. Thank you. Right. Say the name of the book again and where can people buy it?

SPEAKER_01 19:01

So the book is called She's Not Done Yet, a divorce dueler's manifesto for women who refuse to stay stuck. And it's available on Amazon.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Fantastic. Thank you. Thank you so much, Hana, for joining me. Where can people find out more about you if they want your services?

SPEAKER_01 19:21

So you can find out all about me at www.mydivorceddooler.org.uk. There's all the information about the services I provide. And there's lots of freebies on there as well.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

So please do visit. Thank you. And if you're looking for more general separation and co-parenting support, please visit amicable.co.uk where you can explore our resources or book a free consultation. You can find me on LinkedIn. You can hear about new podcast episodes by subscribing for updates and visiting thedivorsepodcast.com or on your favourite listening platform. And don't forget, we also have an amicable book out too. So that book comes out on the 26th of March. And that book is called Amicable Divorce, Your Practical Guide to Divorce Without the Drama. You can find that on Amazon too. Thank you very much indeed for joining me for HANA. And thank you, everybody, for listening.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

Thank you.