016 - The Challenges Of Divorce And Co-Parenting

In today’s episode, I talk with former Marine and divorced father, Eddie Dzialo. We discuss how putting your child first can lay the groundwork for being a successful co-parent.

Transcript

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Okay, so let me go ahead. So this is just i'm gonna start the countdown. so I can put my after face on , Okay. 5, 4, 3, and go.

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Hi! welcome to another episode of the Akiona law.

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Podcast I am lonnie akiona and in this podcast We talk about all things that intersect in the areas of family law, divorce.

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And today we're going to talk about divorce and co-parenting, and I have with me today divorced Dad.

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Wonderful co-parent former marine avid crossfitter professional writer, and check this out.

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He's also juggler eddie d your dad ma'am, it's the thing going.

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Great I am i'm a dad and i'm divorced i'm both of those things

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6 years old. Does she start first grade yet she's actually starting kindergarten?

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She's one of those weird halfway, birthdays where it was kind of like she could have gone either way. So yeah, she's starting kindergarten in the fall.

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Can you hear the fall? How exciting is that

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Yeah, and fast all links. It just happens today's drag but the years fly.

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Just wow blinks Yeah. And going backwards into the divorce.

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, right? So was your divorce and you know yeah We're just gonna dive right into it.

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Rip the bandaid off no worries so I'm.

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So let me ask you this: How long were you and your wife married?

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We were to marry almost 7 years together. for almost together for almost 10, but married from 2,013 to 2,020 right in the middle of the pandemic.

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So if there's any sort of divorce statistics for the pandemic, I may have added to it.

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But you can get divorced because of Pennsylvania.

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No, no good , where you one of those people that because of the pandemic, all of the problems, and because you guys were just stuck.

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All the problems weird is ugly. Head came to us.

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You know what I mean, it's a way more complicated which I wish I could pinpoint one thing I just.

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But no, it is definitely not that I couldn't pinpoint to that I couldn't hang on the pandemic.

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It wasn't because I mean before I was a writer I was a Boston firefighter, so I I I had a really strange schedule.

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I was working 2 days on, or but I was only working 2 days at a 8.

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So I was basically the full-time dad the rest of the time So I I've i'm the guy who's been around the house always in that in that sort of environment.

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So it wasn't like I was going 20 h 2030 h, and 3 days, and working 60 70 h a week at home for an hour, and I I was usually home and changing diapers and running around and doing bottles, and being a parent with my

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wife hands on trying to. I had a lot to learn. See, I was slow learning. It was a very steep learning curve.

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Well, and just wait to hit the teenage years Oh, don't put that hex on me when I I keep everyone I do who I have. I know as a teenage. daughter i'm like What's it

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like like Oh, my good luck, i'm like oh no we'll be all right.

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We'll be right I I know she's got to start kindergarten first.

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Yeah. So going back to, can can I ask you like how long?

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So how long did that divorce process take cause it could take anywhere from one to 2 years?

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Oh, goodness! so like with down in North Carolina, and we we separated 6 months after we got down here like, so I I just I just quit a job I had committed to writing full time.

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I was in the middle of a career change I mean, like talk about I mean where they say the most stressful things are marriage, divorce, a new job and a new house.

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I did all 3 in about a month, I I was just kind of loading up on there.

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But yeah. So I just moved the process. North Carolina takes at least a year.

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You have to be separated legally separated for a year , under separate roofs.

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I mean it's a long So I mean it in some ways it's better not better. but in terms of like convenience because we had a We we basically had the agreement laid out within 3 or 4 maybe 2 months after we after I moved

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out we said, no, he's gonna ride the wave until wait the years up. and once a year was up just to get a letter in the mail and is done that was it I mean no courts I mean because everything was all

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ironed out we had, we had a separation agreement.

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This separate agreement became our agreement. every. there was nothing in there that needed to be addressed.

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I mean you dressed all the issues, but they do make you wait a full year in North Carolina before you get divorced, and and also some people pad the date.

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But they change the date that we I just said the data actually moved out and just waited a year.

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Well that's great that you guys that the hardest part was not reaching the agreement, but actually waiting out the year. Yeah, and even then I mean But you're you're moving on with your life I mean it's like you're

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divorced but you're not I mean it's very you're living your own house. I mean we I had my I literally bought my own home while I was separated.

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I mean she she she moved out. She yeah every I mean we had very separate lives.

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We're still married. It was very strange it was it was more mentally strange than anything else.

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So Would you say, then, that during the process of your divorce and your separation that it was I guess it was agreed.

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Not necessarily contested yeah I I it it's I remember I first time I called my attorney, so my brothers my brother's i'm a attorney up in Boston I'm like I need a

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lawyer, and I gave you a name of it because I don't know anybody down here.

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I like absolutely no one. I got an a great great attorney, and loved the guy absolutely love him.

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He was, he was took care of me. Respect to me. it was just a great great relationship.

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And Yeah. So I remember calling him I was like yeah it's on contest.

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He's like I will find out about that and it's like Yeah, It's like, wait wait till we dig in. But we had a few issues we had ironed out, and because I mean she was planning on moving away that was probably the the

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biggest hurdle. but other than that, I mean we I was just relatively simple.

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I mean, is this pretty easy calling? I think my my ex wife might not say agree to that, but I mean i'm pretty easy going.

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Sorry, but I mean it was just small details. you the iron out.

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Now we just move on with our lives. really wasn't necessarily as painful as everyone makes it out to be.

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I mean, luckily, knock on what it can be I I think maybe i'm just fortunate in that position.

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Yeah, it does sound like you. you're pretty fortunate in the fact that you guys were able to come to agreement, because the biggest thing is is parenting so did you already kind of have this: agreement or decision.

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That we're going to be I don't know are you 50 50 call parents.

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We're not, I mean it was just kind of strange because I I I I think the greatest success here.

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If I've had any success, any of this I think are both of my ex-wife and I I give her her credit as well as I.

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We've put our daughter first in terms of at least we've tried to .

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Like that's been the goal and like even when I moved out like my daughter just moved down here from Boston, and she was in a house, and she loved, and it's like Okay, you she she can stay in her room she loves that

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room she loves her bed let's let's minimize I don't want to start ripping furniture out of the house.

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I don't want to make it look like the house is empty like I want her to wake up like try to feel like this is this is different.

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But as close to what she was used to as I could and and like when he usually, when you have any sort of value based system like decisions, are usually made for you. If you have your values laid out ahead of time there's nothing that's going

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to you. just act in according to your values, and if you use your daughter or son as a compass setting, I mean, the answers are all right.

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There I mean there's it's really not that complicated that's powerful, because you're saying like here I am in this mess of this painful divorce.

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But my value is going to be focusing on my Daughter's best interest. Oh, yeah, you look to the future. I mean I just, I I think of it as like building a fire is every in that. you.

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There's kindling and there's logs and i'm still in this metaphor for someone who mentored me years ago. but there's killing and logs I guess so if i'm trying to build a

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fire, I mean for us was you could use it to apply to any sort of goal for us who is being able to separate, dissolve our marriage and be parent at the same time.

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That was the goal That was the fire. and you think what am I gonna do.

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If i'm gonna build that I got am I gonna put kindling or logs in, I mean like showing up one time and like the parent, I get that's all kindling like, Look at how can I How can I build logs how can I put logs in the

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fire. How can I build a co-pairing relationship?

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So even the small things like writing an email to your ex wife? Start out with, Hey, how's it going?

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She calls. Hey, what are you up to how you been I mean that to me that to me is a log.

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It's just like is it's establishing a respectful relationship and going back and forth, and necessarily one that I had to learn

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But I mean it's just like what is going to make the most progress here towards the sort of relationship that we were trying to accumulate and build for the sake of our child. you know.

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That's Steve kind of like thinking of that as as a log in terms of establishing a respectful relationship.

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That's like a log here that I want to use there was something popped in my mind when you're when you're talking about that because it it is tough right because it's like how do we get there?

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Do we get past our own feelings of hurt?

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And what is the word just like sense of loss even it's like a dance I mean it. It hurt. I mean it's this isn't i'm not I I gloss over to me casual

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but I made it hurt I mean it definitely hurts I mean It's a you'd you'd go through a grieving process just like a death.

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I mean it's just like I mean I remember sitting there saying, I remember staring at the floor when I first got separated.

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What now I mean. I have no idea what to do. absolutely no idea.

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I think the first thing to do is establish? a mindset I mean, is this almost be selfish about it like I have to make sure that i'm on point.

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I mean I I have a system for that in terms of like how to maintain my own sort of mental health and physical health.

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But it's can you share that system with us sure.

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So I mean I I again i still i'm stealing this from everybody else. I'm staying this from a guy named Ben Berger.

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I was a crossfit coach up in New England, but I mean in the 5 priorities Number one sleep number one is absolutely sleep like.

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Make sure I get to May for me I go to bed around 8 o'clock there before 20 in the morning.

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Every day. number 2 is your diet. Make sure I mean the clean, unprocessed foods, whole foods, prioritize protein vegetables.

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No wrong with fruit. Then Then the number 3 is training.

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Physical training for me is crossfit, I mean. I just.

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I, I make sure I get in that almost every day. Number 4 is a mindset like the sort of your value based system and Number Number 5 is human connection, and that that either comes in terms of your family.

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Your friends or mental health counselor and if you have all 5 of those things cut in line and prioritize it, and in that way it it it kind of falls in like I mean if i'm like there's all the

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I always talk about kindling there's there's things like false, kindling things that you think are making it better like your friends. tell you after divorce as well. i'll get drunk I don't drink but I

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mean i'm like Oh, go ahead and and it's such an easy excuse, because everyone's like Oh, you you just deserve this.

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Go out. party have a good time, and it's false kindling all those things because it sets you back.

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It disrupts your sleep, disruption, diet, subject, training. And then what?

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Next time you are sending an email to your your former partner you might not be in the right mindset to be able to prioritize your daughter, your son, I mean you've got to set your mindset first like you'd if I wasn't

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sleeping. If I was a meeting right I mean I just wouldn't be in the position to be able to set aside my emotions.

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I don't bury emotions. that's unhealthy just i'm gonna deal with these later. i'm gonna do these through someone else, and proper challenges.

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Not the day but I mean you can make those decisions when you're mentally and physically healthy.

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But if you don't take care of yourself you'll never be in that position.

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Never you know it sounds it's okay so we've got sleep is one .

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We've got dyes number 2 got 3 is training which can be physical exercise yep walking mindset, and that could be even like to me mindset could also be like waking up with

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gratitude. right? What am I grateful for today?

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100%, 100%. Yes, 100%, to help me processing, is there a family member or friend, and someone that's positive and not negative. my my older brother?

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I mean there's So many times I just pick up so I don't I? i'm just feeling like I I don't know what to do right now. i'm in like i'm in the darkness right now. I don't know what it is but I mean I I just need

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help let's just talk listen that's all was there.

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There was no advice There I mean It everyone tells you it's gonna get better. it's gonna get better.

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I don't think it gets better. it gets different keep working and evolving.

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And you're just in a better position to deal with it once you've gone through the grieving process you're in their position to deal with the challenges and I think that's where it gets quote unquote

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better but definitely just doesn't get better it's different and then you're just gonna be able to face the challenges right now.

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It's great that the tomorrow we I mean my ex-wife, and always always be a work in progress, and we will always have a challenge for a battle to face together, and all have to work it out.

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And so far, so good I mean we we've got through a bunch of bunch of hurdles still standing.

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If if it's not if it's if you can can you give us an example of like of a hurdle, and how you walk through that.

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Oh, there's been so many I mean I but I mean it's it's it happens a lot, I mean , and like relatively, they're small the classic you know joint legal

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joint legal custody in terms like medical decisions I mean like, just like , How like my daughter as a as I.

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So it's like what what is the best course of treatment they're doing the right thing, and like for both of us when we sat down, talked about like what the right course of medical treatment was we both are the same end goal in mind

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it was the do what for our daughter. We had different opinions on how that was going to play out of what path to take.

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So I I think both of us walked away from that issue.

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Compromising I think we both compromised, and it was going back and forth, and a lot of times I I don't like text anymore.

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It always reads weird. I don't like it it's nice to text that we usually have established.

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We do email preferred communication method but we've got better.

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How we can talk on the phone. it's completely complete with cordial hey?

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How's it going? How you been have a wonderful weekend etc.?

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But yeah, but it would. We basically had to compromise like we're how we both get we want here.

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And then, because I mean, because if in terms of like medical decisions. the only option after that is going to court. it's a one to one tie, I mean, and that's not good for anybody I mean it's it's

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it's sometimes. you need it sometimes. But I mean I I that's that's top of the top of the mountain for me like I say if it gets to that, I guess that But I there's there multiple multiple multiple steps take before I got

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to there. so I think we just both walked away with that We compromise.

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Let's try this for X period time if this work will switch to this, and if it was fine and then hours until the next turtle, Lonnie, show the external until after the next one.

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Do you you know, you said that if you guys don't reach compromise on this medical decision.

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Then it's straight to court you folks don't have like a medium.

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Oh, no, I mean, I think like it escalates to Corey and , there'd be multiple steps in between. Yeah, but I but we we resolve. that is something we've talked through.

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So I mean it's it's the problem right now the issues move, I mean again again. it was just a thing we had to come up with to work together, and and and again I the the funniest thing is like after you get

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separated like i'll never get there i'll never get there.

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I'll never be the person that can hang out with my ex-boyfriend, or i'm never gonna be the person that's going to in Egypt.

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But you get there, and you Don't believe it But you will now, how do you do that?

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How do? How do you get there? I don't know how did you get there?

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I I The only way to ever process any serve a motion is either a talk about it, and we go back to mindset mental connection with mental health. not to all professionals, or be to sit there.

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And feel it. I mean like really really feel like whatever pain you're going through like that.

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I mean whatever discomfort I mean you always have the classic thoughts about divorce like someone's gonna replace me as a dad.

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When my my ex-wife starts dating other people like obviously like that, completely nullifies our relationship and just disappears.

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I mean everyone has the same ideas I mean we're at least along those lines, and I mean, if you have those thoughts don't numb them with drinking or buying. they're watching 8 h of netflix or buying on

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Amazon, I mean, they just need ours and netflix Oh, okay, yeah, every every, maybe maybe every now.

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And then we can talk about networks so that's the show is the only difference of the show is but I mean. but if you can't do it, there's no that's compromising, if it's compromising, if it if it's ozark we're cool but I mean but you can't but

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it' but if you're shutting yourself in away from people and the doors close, and it's 2 o'clock on a Tuesday and you're in the second yeah and you're in the seventh out of

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Ozark, I mean maybe that's not the healthiest so I mean right. You can't be relying on it.

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I mean, if you just but if i'm using it to mask the pain versus feeling it like you've got a Matt.

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You gotta feel the pain if like like to sit down and bite the bullet, and like, i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna be okay being very unclear.

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And I think that's how I processed it that sucks because nobody likes feeling pain.

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I mean, I know I don't like feeling pain and I try to avoid pain at all cost.

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I love crossfit, so pain pain my it hurts, it hurts it. It just there's You gotta do it.

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There's only the only way out is through the obstacle is the way.

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Quote the Ryan holiday. Oh, yeah and and of course when I do face, and I always just like, Oh, no, and then you go through it, and you're like, okay, Wait Yup. yeah, you don't have to dive

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head first into it, either. I mean it's just but I think and a part of the thing that you touched upon, too.

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Is making sure that you do have that queue.

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As a counselor to talk to and help you process it.

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And again, because the big thing is and cause it is. It is such a big thing when divorce happens, And people are thinking about bringing in that center again.

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Others, and there's a lot of pushback that I deal with as an attorney, or people like Well, I I don't want. I don't. I don't want my child to meet mom's boyfriend at least not

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until Mom has the has been dating guy for 6 months, and then I can kind of understand that , so I mean I I I just.

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I I was quick to adapt the pause we have separate lives I mean it's like I.

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I try not to it's, so hard like to isolate your feelings like, Do I really am I really saying this cause my daughter's gonna be comfortable just cause her it's gonna make me feel uncomfortable or

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because it's so easy to say oh, my my my son or daughter is like this is not good for them.

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As well cause it's it's it's a it's a fail, save it's a win. It's a it's a trump card but like it's tough to like sit down and really think about

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them. It is just bothering me. And am I in?

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Am I using my son or daughter to say that I mean so?

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I I adopted. We had separate lives and I was like if it's so.

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Yeah, I I focused on what I could control I think it's the my policy is always I what what happens outside of my head is not up to me.

00:20:27.000 --> 00:20:36.000

It. I can't control that I it's a it's a losing battle to think you can but I mean I I focus on what I control, and I double down on things.

00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:46.000

I can control. and that was being a good dad , doing the pancake mornings having matching t-shirts like walking around going to pool teaching her to swim. I mean that's the things I can control I can't control

00:20:46.000 --> 00:21:05.000

the the stuff that happens outside of my world Where'd you get them from all their Amazon, as as I'm telling you not to buy stuff on Amazon.

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:11.000

Oh, yeah, We bought those in Amazon caviar you can watch Ozark, and you can buy pancake shirts on Amazon. That's completely cool.

00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:13.000

And paint, too, and paint Daddy and daughter.

00:21:13.000 --> 00:21:39.000

I love that. Yeah, they they I mean, they do have just tinted, though, like tint.

00:21:39.000 --> 00:21:48.000

It is I haven't been in the lipstick game for a while, so I have to figure out whether what the right tint is from my my complexion.

00:21:48.000 --> 00:22:06.000

My my New England pale complexion you can't go wrong with Berry. Berry is supposed to be complimenting complimentary in anyone, and it's cold.

00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:10.000

It's cold and dark say at least I remember it that way.

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:16.000

So just going back. it's really interesting, because you just first of all, You just sound like this enlightened human being.

00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:27.000

But I think , but thank you yeah but I I Think it was important to know is that it takes it takes work like it goes back again to you're talking about sleep.

00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:40.000

Diet, training, mindset and human connection. And I think it sounds like you really kind of got there with work of having a counselor, and just kind of maybe working on your own mindset.

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:47.000

Listen to device that people that come before me. and I just I remember, like you always think to yourself like all i'm divorced somewhere in like the Scarlet Letter on me.

00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:55.000

Now like i'm gonna walk where I was going to judge me and then, at least, some of the people I was either mentor by or people I looked up to, and I realized they were divorced like, I didn't look at them any differently like

00:22:55.000 --> 00:23:05.000

Why would anyone look at me any differently I just like it just. It's just something you go through, and it's it's It's a element your life to chapter in your life, or many chapters for most people but yeah, no I

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:07.000

I I just listen to other people. I just listen to what I mean.

00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:14.000

Just I. I just shut up and listen I someone someone knows more about this than I do, and I just throw stuff at a wall.

00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:28.000

I mean I Listen: I tried things that didn't work but it just this is this is that like that that's sort of 5 things has worked really well for me, and I think what's really an important. thing that you tested upon was saying that you know I can

00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:37.000

only control what's going on inside my head and my own action. just kind of almost a can , . just saying that you know I can only control what's in my own cooler hoop anything beyond my Hula.

00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:47.000

Hoop I can't control I mean if you really think about like divorce can't hurt me?

00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:55.000

It's the thoughts in my head that hurt me post divorce. I mean my ex-wife dating someone is not gonna hurt me as it doesn't. There's nothing That's right.

00:23:55.000 --> 00:24:02.000

It's just the thoughts you have and I mean and if you realize these thoughts, and there's always there's no quote I can't remember which said i'd say if you're if you're depressed you're living in

00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:12.000

the past you live in the future. you're anxious and if you live in the now you're you're at peace. And so I was like what Let me just let me find ways to focus now and it's just like I I

00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:14.000

can get out of the past and get out of the future I won't be anxious.

00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:23.000

I won't debate press what can I do right now to center myself, and you always have these things around you and I've turned my little house into the house that I wanted to have when I was like 10 years old.

00:24:23.000 --> 00:24:33.000

Everything I in my house I wanted, but as a 10 year old is probably in my house right now, mostly Dave Matthew stops and guitars and record players and books, and I just like so I I have these things that are sent

00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:38.000

around me

00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:45.000

Records records, as they say, up north. Okay, I , yeah, all good.

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.000

You you got to get back into it and it's a man. it's just because it's peaceful you can sit there and you play it, and you can sit down and you actively.

00:24:49.000 --> 00:24:53.000

Listen to it's not hitting a button it's not sliding back and forth like you said there Look at the lake.

00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:57.000

Play a record and sit there and I this be in the moment like That's that.

00:24:57.000 --> 00:25:00.000

That's the way to get out of your own head What can I do?

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.000

What can I do right now? Get out of my own head and like that, was that, was it?

00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:07.000

That's cause there's not live in the past you don't live in the future, and you're not anxious.

00:25:07.000 --> 00:25:15.000

You're not depressed I mean you're just listening. to music, and like you're going to deal with the next problem after it comes, and like that's the present moment when the problem happens. That's the that that's

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:21.000

the now like that's what i'm doing that's the hurdle i'm dealing with no sorry you know.

00:25:21.000 --> 00:25:30.000

My mind. is that is, that term future tripping right and it back to what you were talking about when you're talking about like, Okay, So it's the it's my thoughts. and the thoughts.

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:35.000

Future tripping. So is my is my ex-wife actually dating someone gonna harm me. No, it's not.

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.000

But the thoughts cause the thoughts. As you start you start spinning.

00:25:39.000 --> 00:25:43.000

You start thinking ahead and isn't it actually just kind of fear like what?

00:25:43.000 --> 00:25:48.000

. absolutely, absolutely. Yeah. So the fear is, my wife is gonna start dating somebody.

00:25:48.000 --> 00:26:00.000

What if my daughter really likes this new man and what if this he starts calling him her starts calling him daddy, and said to me, What if my daughter loves him more than she loves me? that's fear Because that's Never

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:05.000

gonna happen , yeah, 100%. I I call, I think, a camera right call.

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:08.000

I think I called it rabbit stacking it's like it's just .

00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:12.000

I just make that eyes. it's like somebody say it was like it's called rabbit stacking.

00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:13.000

I just like, in terms like you start at least start building.

00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:21.000

Okay, Okay, my , she's gonna marry this guy or Then she's gonna come home. Dad and she's gonna walk him down the aisle, and she's gonna want to live with him rather than me and my

00:26:21.000 --> 00:26:31.000

daughter's not gonna want to see me anymore. and then you sit there and you realize I'm just sitting on the couch right now, like none of this is real like I I and the thing is you start building these problems in your head that

00:26:31.000 --> 00:26:36.000

aren't real and next thing you know you're dealing with this catastrophic problem, instead of just sitting on the couch.

00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:45.000

You realize i'm doing my daughter not loving me anymore. and calling someone else Dad, and like nothing's changed You're just sitting on the couch you'll be watching Ozark but I say, let's I mean just get

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:51.000

out of like the stacking of like problem stacking and it's like if this than that if that didn't this and this.

00:26:51.000 --> 00:26:54.000

And then, next thing you know, 15 min is gonna buy you and you're not living.

00:26:54.000 --> 00:27:02.000

You're living in on the planet tax game thanksgiving at that point, like you have no idea what's going on, And you're dealing with a really massive problem. Now, you're also dealing with the anxiety And

00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:12.000

stream and pressure of that problem. it's not real by the way and if you don't and the thing is you get yourself doing it and it's hard to get out of that habit so like i'm i'm

00:27:12.000 --> 00:27:18.000

stacking rabbits again I like that term i'm gonna steal that from you. can still away.

00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:28.000

I I i'm about these like rabbits trying to stack on top of each other. that don't want to be stacked, and they'd be like now you have a giant pile of rabbits that are just

00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:37.000

honoring. I just got them that's moment you're in my head, lots of routes very fluffy queue rabbits all very happy and not injured.

00:27:37.000 --> 00:27:42.000

Yeah, I love that. it's basically comes down to you know just kind of staying in the moment.

00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:46.000

And I I really loved what you said like I can only control what I can do.

00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:54.000

For example, i'm going to be the best pancake maker for me and my daughter What do you guys put in your pancakes?

00:27:54.000 --> 00:27:58.000

Oh, I saw this, this is this is so bad, this is so bad.

00:27:58.000 --> 00:28:05.000

So we we on saturday night it's it's pizza night, so she usually gets like 30 min of a movie, and for pizza it's it's the it's this neighborhood.

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:20.000

Place that we go to is called the minos there. He is No, no, no. we go to no, it does it it's it's from an old joke. called King of queens.

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:31.000

Like I went to this neighbor. No but it's down my daughter loves dominos, I mean better or worse, and of course, when you get dominos you can't go without sinister sticks. so we get I always get x to 3

00:28:31.000 --> 00:28:34.000

frostings. This is the key here. The next day you take the fraud.

00:28:34.000 --> 00:28:36.000

You put 3 frostings in the refrigerator and you build this.

00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:45.000

You build the build, the pancake, but the at the sinister frosting pour out so frosting on the pancake with eagles and one cherry, and it looks like a Sunday.

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:50.000

She smiled over. time so it's it's the frosting from dominoes on the on the pancake.

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:57.000

And again, child service is probably gonna come. get me after hearing that my daughter Frosting for breakfast on Sundays.

00:28:57.000 --> 00:29:01.000

But we may. she makes us the batter is it's more of this she might take 3 Byte of it.

00:29:01.000 --> 00:29:05.000

To be honest with you. but I mean we sit there. we we make the pancakes. Yeah, we put our t-shirts on.

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:08.000

We listen to trolls, too, on the in the music.

00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:11.000

She does not like Dave matthews like I do she's made that very abundantly clear.

00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:22.000

She was interested. she actually once told me. she was dad, i'm interested in everything except for Dave matthews. i'm like, Okay, I can live with that , So Yeah, we listen controls too. mix the mix the pancake batter port out and She

00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:27.000

we got pictures of the pancakes they're matching t-shirts, and it's just a good way to start the day.

00:29:27.000 --> 00:29:32.000

Oh, I hope so, I hope so. that that's that and that's the point.

00:29:32.000 --> 00:29:41.000

So when you focus on what you can attract you're shaping the future more so than anything. and that's happening aside your head. like all this worry about the future, you can you can control the future by doubling down on the

00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:46.000

present that's not that's not going to go anywhere.

00:29:46.000 --> 00:29:50.000

So yeah, it's great, what type of what type of parent, you schedule, do you?

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.000

In your Xyc. do you and your x-wave have then so it was tough.

00:29:54.000 --> 00:29:59.000

I mean we're in the classic 70 30 I mean I I I maybe one day i'll change I hope it does.

00:29:59.000 --> 00:30:04.000

But she She moved about 3 h away, and that was like that.

00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:08.000

That was the big hurdle when we were getting separated was was dealing with that.

00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:14.000

It's actually supposed to be farther away from North Carolina right? Yeah. North Carolina is a giant State.

00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:27.000

So if you're going to get divorced get get divorced in a very small state, it's very very convenient. if you're on state borders, go to Rhode Island and get divorced but I don't see that go to Rhode

00:30:27.000 --> 00:30:29.000

Island I Don't go to some place like alaska you know you don't want to.

00:30:29.000 --> 00:30:35.000

Yeah, in Washington, Washington, Washington, you know washington's chunk guy that That's a that's a sizable piece of man right there. Yeah. So I mean we you can drive 5 6 h in North Carolina still be in the same

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:38.000

State. Wow, So It's Top something like We're I'm.

00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:41.000

In central North Carolina and again, I don't I Didn't.

00:30:41.000 --> 00:30:44.000

I moved down here, not knowing a soul like I don't know anybody.

00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:49.000

I have like a whole community of friends. now but it's great correct, right?

00:30:49.000 --> 00:31:18.000

So you left. I mean to me that's huge right there that you essentially, even though you guys were supporting you moved down there to be with your

00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:26.000

Oh, yes, it's a really high number I really the gear where the all the stuff in the firehouse.

00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:29.000

The fire officer 50 60 years old. they're covered in diesel.

00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:33.000

The trucks. Basically, the trucks are in the house that you sleep in.

00:31:33.000 --> 00:31:38.000

The fires the smoke I mean the particles you're breathing. I mean it's it's It's like being a coal miner up.

00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:43.000

They're great guys love the job loved every second of it but it's like being a coal miner above ground.

00:31:43.000 --> 00:31:52.000

Oh, okay, that's a bad space way to describe it but I mean like. So I was. so I was up in Boston, and it's a very, very expensive to live up there and I we like all I 2 friends.

00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:57.000

Are diagnosed and gone in 5 weeks. Yeah.

00:31:57.000 --> 00:31:59.000

Like literally found out they were dying. Marry this one guy. You see.

00:31:59.000 --> 00:32:07.000

He was sitting in the doctor's office and they told him he's like you're you're not gonna make it 6 more weeks. He's like Well, what am I doing with you then you went home and you didn't make it

00:32:07.000 --> 00:32:11.000

much longer. I didn't have a real close relationship with them a lot of other guys did it, and hit them really hard. it was.

00:32:11.000 --> 00:32:17.000

I was new to the job. so i'm not gonna claim that he's my friend or I knew all of them, and and it just so.

00:32:17.000 --> 00:32:23.000

I knew I 2 guys that I saw one of my instructors, the Fire Academy same thing, about 5 or 6 weeks.

00:32:23.000 --> 00:32:25.000

It was all over and like these great great great great guys.

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:35.000

So. So my ex-wife is like, Why, we just move North Carolina because the cost of living in Boston you can get a 3 bedroom house for $900,000, and like in Yes, you can move out of the

00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:45.000

city and then buy a lake out down in north Carolina and it's like It's okay let's just do that, and it's kind of a soft retirement everyone's got a plan do they get punched in the face and north carolina kind of

00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:55.000

punched me in the face. A little bit so but I mean I mean, it will just cause you Yeah, you had a plan like you always always and no good plan survives.

00:32:55.000 --> 00:33:01.000

Contact with the enemy. it's like a military line but it's like you come down as I said things are gonna change. I had a plan.

00:33:01.000 --> 00:33:09.000

I was gonna retire down here at the house I bought when I first moved down here. I was like this is the house, and I have my grandchildren in I was there for 6 months, so yeah it's like I think curve

00:33:09.000 --> 00:33:15.000

balls happen. so But yeah, I make the best of it and you move on. There's only one way to go, and it's forward.

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:18.000

So then it goes back to again. So you're saying Okay, So how do you?

00:33:18.000 --> 00:33:22.000

So you're here, your North carolina and she's like Okay, I'm gonna move 3 h away.

00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:30.000

How do you handle that type of coat curve ? that's supposed to be 5 h away Originally it was even farther sorry.

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:40.000

And then again, I I I didn't handle it well and this is right after the separation. so that that was the hardest part of the It's just trying to figure out where because I mean I I don't know why

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:48.000

we're going that far away. But maybe that was my attorney I mean. It's like I said what do I do. and I said, and again, like no one gets I had absolutely no idea what what can I do and I get it to credit

00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:58.000

my own attorney like he's like just this is I found an attorney, and this is important from a turn like that share the same values I did like he he wasn't he's he he's like just focus as

00:33:58.000 --> 00:34:06.000

a child like he's like let's let what is your what? where? the what are the need to have so what are the things you'd like to have one thing you could just completely live without and like the one?

00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:10.000

Thing for me was like still being able to be a dad being part of my daughter's life.

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:23.000

So that was the priority. So he focused that as a priority like he just he he was able to wheel and deal, knowing that not wheeling deal so much, but negotiate right just negotiated so in terms of like this is how we're

00:34:23.000 --> 00:34:27.000

this is this is what we're not gonna budge on this is what we're willing to give up, and we can sack if we can move here.

00:34:27.000 --> 00:34:31.000

And this is so, and again I I still we we! we meet halfway.

00:34:31.000 --> 00:34:38.000

I I drive an hour and 20 min, which isn't that bad 5 an hour, 20 min took my daughter up driver back and get her for a couple of weeks in the summertime.

00:34:38.000 --> 00:34:46.000

And talk every night at 5 o'clock. sometimes she'll talk me the phone for 45 min while she's drawing she'll just sit there and draw it's like all right.

00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:51.000

I'm drawing the hair now and what is it but that's I mean that's that's what that's what I mean.

00:34:51.000 --> 00:34:55.000

It It's tough I mean it's just not easy but it's That's what you do.

00:34:55.000 --> 00:35:01.000

I don't know man, i'm sorry i'm char engaging conversations with my my 14 and 16 year old.

00:35:01.000 --> 00:35:05.000

And man i'm lucky if I get like you know 5 centers out of them.

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:24.000

So to get 45 min right and I and it's going away like It's go. I guess it's not going to be there. I mean that they say you the most time you spend your child is under the age

00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:29.000

of 12 and one by the time. they're 12 I mean they're they're moving on, and they're they're trying to get away from you. I mean which is fine is it's part of the development. process so I every time I was without like this is going away like when when I walk the dog and she's 6 years old and weighs 50

00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:32.000

P. Yeah, the answer is, Yes, because this is going away I don't know much longer.

00:35:32.000 --> 00:35:34.000

I mean you're gonna want me to carry you so yeah I get it?

00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:44.000

Yeah, how many keys you have wanting

00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:46.000

You figure out where they want to go to college yet? Yeah.

00:35:46.000 --> 00:35:59.000

No, they they do i mean they're they're sweethearts, my boys, are they're so easy they they really are they're special and Oh, my gosh yeah I was not the nicest of children.

00:35:59.000 --> 00:36:08.000

So I i'm still waiting for carmen to come hit me on this one. so I did whatever I put my parents through, and my 2 brothers put my parents through, and i'm sure it's coming back around get my brother a little

00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:12.000

harder than my brother's got twins so he's living. He's living the dream right now.

00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:22.000

Oh, boy! oh boy, my mom sent me a text the other day about my kid, and then she's my youngest is 14, and she's like, oh, yeah, commerce, a Vitc.

00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:35.000

Age, and I just had to laugh because i'm all like i'm like, Okay, Yes, my youngest is exactly like me where he's assy, and he's stubborn and he's a know at all but the same time because I know he's

00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:48.000

like me. I know how to handle him. yeah payback isn't a bitch monk so he's a underneath it all. I love it. I I mean it's just yeah she's part me

00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:53.000

she's part my ex-wife so I mean I at least I know how to deal with Lisa.

00:36:53.000 --> 00:37:01.000

Third of her, you know, at least the part that somebody just and it's crazy when you see the the thing like you're sort of mannerisms and traits and quirks in your your son.

00:37:01.000 --> 00:37:08.000

Or daughter like I get it like I it's almost like a relief when she has the same sort of like weird things that I do.

00:37:08.000 --> 00:37:10.000

It was like I I know how to deal with that now.

00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.000

I spend like 30 years of my life trying to figure this out, so maybe I can part some of that on you.

00:37:14.000 --> 00:37:20.000

And hey, is that trying to do like this? I tell her about the mindset things like we can't control it if she points the pool like, Why are they doing that?

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:25.000

Like we can't control them. We can't control them they're they're doing it. Then they're not bothering us.

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.000

Just let it go focus on. We can control harbor yeah I tell my boys the same thing, too.

00:37:29.000 --> 00:37:44.000

I'm, like we can i'm like his oldest home. we can't control people places, and things we can only control how we respond. Yeah, that's it. That's really the only thing I mean if you can pick one thing the only thing we control in our entire

00:37:44.000 --> 00:37:47.000

life is how we respond. I mean it's and it's, and sometimes like you really have to look about how your sponsors are.

00:37:47.000 --> 00:37:52.000

So I'll kick myself later on like I did not respond well like that, was a poor response.

00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:56.000

Very poor, and I get I sometimes a part of myself.

00:37:56.000 --> 00:37:59.000

How how I respond. But yeah, that's the only thing we control well, is it?

00:37:59.000 --> 00:38:03.000

Did you respond, or did you react? I reacted ?

00:38:03.000 --> 00:38:09.000

Reacting, reacting is emotional. response is calculated, or or or methodical or diligent.

00:38:09.000 --> 00:38:13.000

Reacting is as emotional and it it's just tough to step away sometimes.

00:38:13.000 --> 00:38:18.000

But yeah, stepping away is the best it takes oh, really a whole.

00:38:18.000 --> 00:38:21.000

You're telling me I think I just started to figure out the react response thing.

00:38:21.000 --> 00:38:29.000

Maybe like 6 months ago, and then almost 40 so we'll get there eventually in a soldier, or i've I've just figured out myself, too. and i'm like fifth.

00:38:29.000 --> 00:38:37.000

I'm like 50 50 and i'm like fifth. i'm like 50 50 not a slow learner. Look at me.

00:38:37.000 --> 00:38:39.000

Go. Yeah, see, I just learned to my 4 in my mid mid to late forties.

00:38:39.000 --> 00:38:46.000

I think I don't even know yeah I mean my other thing, too. I mean like 20 years ago, no one talked about mental health, I mean, like nobody did.

00:38:46.000 --> 00:38:49.000

I mean it's so bizarre like how in the forefront is how much information are out there.

00:38:49.000 --> 00:38:52.000

How many books are out there, and it's just like too, it's just books and everything.

00:38:52.000 --> 00:38:57.000

So I mean, I you can always find a book if i'm lost to find a book, I mean, How do how do you how to be a co-parent?

00:38:57.000 --> 00:39:04.000

Find a book find a podcast I mean like literally we're talking about we're just putting information out because it's it's so readily available.

00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:11.000

I mean in the someone that's willing to teach you people love , find a Youtube video on Youtube video.

00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:26.000

Perhaps this one I don't know I want to go back to what you said, though, cause you said something that was really cool and important, that you said that you had an attorney that had that same value which was putting the focus

00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:30.000

on your child, you know, putting the focus on the child doesn't necessarily mean litigation.

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:42.000

No, because litigation is so emotional and so stressful and it's like is that really the best sense of my child for mommy and Daddy to be fighting about who she's going to live with on a primary

00:39:42.000 --> 00:39:54.000

basis. I work with a lot of attorneys now but I I didn't at the time, and I I didn't realize how quick people are just hitting up.

00:39:54.000 --> 00:39:58.000

Let's deal with it in court let's go to court and truly understand what that means.

00:39:58.000 --> 00:40:02.000

You say, let's go to court I mean that that is a significant undertaking.

00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:06.000

I mean and it's it's like going to war i'm, not not literally.

00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:18.000

But it's like there are multiple steps and ds glacation periods in between that you don't invade a country, and just just because you're angry, there are steps between so like you've you've got there yeah, start small

00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:24.000

I mean try to figure out how to talk on text first before we start, but I mean it's a significant undertaking.

00:40:24.000 --> 00:40:27.000

What going to court, and I was just saying, now, when I first got divorced or separated.

00:40:27.000 --> 00:40:36.000

Okay, i'll talk to lawyers what the lawyer is dealing with deal with court I mean, and it's just, I mean, there there's much more efficient ways and healthier ways of dealing about it again court has his own

00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:43.000

purpose courts in the courts. It is a fundamental part of this, and it can be, but I mean it it doesn't have to be.

00:40:43.000 --> 00:40:49.000

Did you want your daughter to live with you full time that that was top. I didn't think I I physically couldn't do it.

00:40:49.000 --> 00:40:56.000

I mean it's just cause I was I was my ex wife works remotely, so she stays.

00:40:56.000 --> 00:40:59.000

She was at home, and my daughter at the divorce is 4, and I mean I.

00:40:59.000 --> 00:41:04.000

So I just quit my job as a full-time writer, and I was like, Now I have to go up fine classic, I said I.

00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:15.000

I just stopped one job I was like oh, now let's go find another one, and if i'm gonna work full time, I use that for a while I was commuting back and forth between Lake Norman North Carolina and

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:17.000

Rock Hill, South Carolina, which is about 45 min.

00:41:17.000 --> 00:41:24.000

So I was only home for maybe like an hour a day and it's it's it was it was I I didn't.

00:41:24.000 --> 00:41:28.000

I I would love to I I just did I logistically, feasibly.

00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:30.000

It just it just wasn't necessarily gonna work and with her moving away.

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:33.000

It was just so many moving parts happening so fast, so quickly.

00:41:33.000 --> 00:41:38.000

I mean. I wish I could go back and slow it down and maybe do it over again.

00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:48.000

But it's not that's just not the situation i'm in right? Well, you guys can't like how you what you're talking about when you're talking about if you look at the past gonna have you're gonna

00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:57.000

yeah, that's right I mean It's and I I I try to make the best decisions I could at the time I mean it knew some.

00:41:57.000 --> 00:42:04.000

I mean obviously 2 years post may I we that was April of 2020, and here we are in June of 2,022.

00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:14.000

So it's been over 2 years so but I mean i'm in a much different place mentally now than I was then, and it's it's so much easier for me to look back and say I would have done this now so i've had 2 years to

00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:18.000

think about this. I I didn't I didn't know what I was doing, or I was charging.

00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:29.000

I was in charge charter waters that a compass for a long time, and I just i'm glad it worked out as well as it did still hurts, and it's still always on everything when you go to bed at night you see your daughter's room empty

00:42:29.000 --> 00:42:39.000

and it hurts. and it's gonna hurt but I mean it's It's just the way it is that's what the situation, man.

00:42:39.000 --> 00:42:49.000

If I could do. If I knew then what I know now, is your 2 years, what would you have done differently?

00:42:49.000 --> 00:42:53.000

Less than clients. I I just wanted it to be over and I think that's very.

00:42:53.000 --> 00:42:55.000

I think it's common I mean I might have divorced friends.

00:42:55.000 --> 00:43:05.000

We kind of gravitate for each other Now you're in the Divorce Club. You said I just want to be over like I any cause you want to start the next chapter like you want to start processing us close

00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:14.000

one go on and start building next one and don't be so eager to close the book before you've read it all, and that's like so I just wanna sit there and like to really think about it like this is what what can

00:43:14.000 --> 00:43:20.000

I do long term and

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:23.000

Yeah, I mean, I I think I made the best decision the time that I could.

00:43:23.000 --> 00:43:31.000

But I just It's I wish I just slowed it down, and instead of focusing on just getting it closed and finishing it, make sure I finished it.

00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:36.000

Well, okay, Well, I mean it's interesting too, because since it does take a year, anyway.

00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:40.000

But you're talking about like the agreements and and such.

00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:43.000

So I think, Yeah. So we we separated, and like end of April, of 2,020.

00:43:43.000 --> 00:43:53.000

But by the end of that summer, by august or so main thing is probably like late July early August, we had a separation agreement place that's still the governing document that we use now for

00:43:53.000 --> 00:43:57.000

co-parenting, and every everything is in there from child support to who gets a child.

00:43:57.000 --> 00:44:02.000

And when so I mean it was all resolved by the end of the summer.

00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:06.000

Yeah. So again it was. but that was it. But once I signed that I got notarized.

00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:16.000

My! that was pretty much the last we've added negotiate, or any sort of like now. and then it's just co-parency when they're on out But it it was done quick you know

00:44:16.000 --> 00:44:23.000

slower, and so in terms of in terms of the co parenting, How are you guys as co-parents?

00:44:23.000 --> 00:44:30.000

Work in progress. we always will be it so. I mean, I I think I just I I.

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:39.000

Her values are based on my daughter and she wants to be good mother, and I want to be a good father, I mean, and then we're not always gonna see eye to eye, and how what that looks like But as long as you're willing to

00:44:39.000 --> 00:44:45.000

like when you have a disagreement you gotta be open to talk, and it's just like, if you have a minute.

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:48.000

I mean she's she's got multiple times we we run into different issues.

00:44:48.000 --> 00:44:54.000

And things i've done on my weekends or things she's just like, give a minute to talk and like yeah talk.

00:44:54.000 --> 00:45:00.000

And and just like this is this: is where i'm coming from like this is my viewpoint like that There's let's find the root cause like W.

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.000

What What do we want to achieve here, and where? where did we compromise and like?

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.000

Just this is it's it's it's a situation by situation basis.

00:45:09.000 --> 00:45:21.000

But if you're opening to listening on both sides i've got to be open to listen, the other if you're if you're going in in every action as an equal opposite reaction, So if you if you open the phone

00:45:21.000 --> 00:45:31.000

Snarky, you make a little jab? here there I mean no one's gonna give you what you want by being mean like, when does that ever work like i'm just gonna start throwing a lot of insults i'm like

00:45:31.000 --> 00:45:36.000

Oh, yeah, I want this you have it right you're not gonna for i'll beat someone in to give me what you want.

00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:40.000

You gotta be respectful. Give the respect to get the respect back like.

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:46.000

How do I want to be treated here? Yeah, I just I I I wanna be a better co-parent than I was a husband.

00:45:46.000 --> 00:45:55.000

Maybe. Wow, I love that better co-parent than I was a husband. I mean, it should be because co-parenting You're focused on your child.

00:45:55.000 --> 00:46:00.000

This is focused on our child. What can we do?

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:06.000

So this child has a secure and healthy attachment to both of us, because she loves both of us equally.

00:46:06.000 --> 00:46:09.000

And i've been on picnics with my ex wife and her and her boyfriend I mean.

00:46:09.000 --> 00:46:13.000

So we've gone to pitt with my daughter I mean we've all 3 of us have been there and again.

00:46:13.000 --> 00:46:21.000

My daughter my daughter was there was her graduation. and she would and she just graduated from preschool, and she wanted us to go on a picnic, and you want to go to her favorite, park and like let's just I

00:46:21.000 --> 00:46:24.000

drove 2 and a half hours to go there and I was like this Let's just do this.

00:46:24.000 --> 00:46:30.000

So we sat in the park, all 3 of us, and had sandwiches, I mean again, like 2 years ago, like that that is unfathomable.

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:32.000

How I could be in that position like just couldn't imagine being in a position.

00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:40.000

But I mean it's just you look over and you see your daughter smiling, and run around and gabling, I mean how upset you possibly be.

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:46.000

Oh, my gosh, that is too cool i've oh, my goodness!

00:46:46.000 --> 00:46:53.000

And did you have a good time on the picnic where you kind of the picnic?

00:46:53.000 --> 00:47:07.000

Were you kind of It's all focusing on I mean it's.

00:47:07.000 --> 00:47:11.000

This is, where is the situation? may or may not be, but I mean in in again.

00:47:11.000 --> 00:47:20.000

I remember thinking about this like I, just when I was worried about my daughter running like being liking another another like parental father.

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:26.000

Figure at the end of the day. think about it like Do you really want someone that she doesn't like in her life all the time like?

00:47:26.000 --> 00:47:28.000

What is, what is the opposite of that like? Do what was you?

00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:32.000

What are you actively rooting for? are you actually someone that she doesn't like, or she likes you better.

00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:37.000

I mean that's kind of selfish I mean so that at the end of the day the best situation possible.

00:47:37.000 --> 00:47:49.000

So the guy that she likes is like she's happy and has a guy in her life that she she's comfortable around so that's a win and then she's and he's super nice to her he's very well, she likes him she speaks very highly of them

00:47:49.000 --> 00:47:58.000

and i've spoken almost so my daughter likes you like I like you, too, like That's all it is. Oh, my gosh, that is yeah, that's big, because it is what's the opposite that your , nightmare

00:47:58.000 --> 00:48:02.000

, yeah, , Yeah. So you don't want that So I mean, like she she has someone.

00:48:02.000 --> 00:48:09.000

Yeah, So I the cause I mean it. might not be happy that you're going home. she's like well, i'm very excited to see someone.

00:48:09.000 --> 00:48:11.000

So i'm like, Okay, but oh, my dad don't make go home.

00:48:11.000 --> 00:48:24.000

Let me see what are the options like Heaven for bed, it's the best option, but it's the best thing to possibly happen is having someone else in the life that she looks up to swallow your own pride

00:48:24.000 --> 00:48:29.000

and move on. I mean there's only one day I just move one mom like you said, No one's ever gonna take that from you.

00:48:29.000 --> 00:48:32.000

But was in the positive influence of life. that's in that that can't be a bad thing.

00:48:32.000 --> 00:48:42.000

No that can't be Oh, goodness and i'm just kind of thinking back to you, because my parents were divorced, and I was just kind of thinking back about.

00:48:42.000 --> 00:48:46.000

We're like should I say this like my stepdad.

00:48:46.000 --> 00:48:57.000

I just love my stepdad and to this day i'm in touch with my my ex step sisters and stepdad recently, and my ex step, mom, not so much.

00:48:57.000 --> 00:49:04.000

? oh, yeah, I mean Yeah, it's it happens Yeah.

00:49:04.000 --> 00:49:11.000

Yeah, Yeah, hey? They they they can't. all we can't we all can't bad a 1,000 I mean not a relationship. We We, especially as a kid like if you have any choice.

00:49:11.000 --> 00:49:25.000

And who these people are bringing your life. I mean So maybe how it is, how it is, you know. And if I can be truly honest and open here and I pretty gone, My dad does not ever listen to this podcast, yeah, it really it.

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:30.000

Affected my relationship with my dad because his wife, I felt, was mean to me and my sister and I pretty.

00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:35.000

Go. She did never listen to this podcast either, I know right.

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:40.000

Gosh! but my dad has even told me right, and my dad, my dad solid and and knew it and recognized it.

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:52.000

And it was, and he even says, you know looking back now there are some things that he regrets, and one of it was not being able to have that relationship with me and my older sister, because of her.

00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:58.000

But there's nothing you can do yeah but just looking back like I'm just thinking about.

00:49:58.000 --> 00:50:04.000

Yeah, like Heaven forbid she she was with like a total asshole, daughter was just miserable.

00:50:04.000 --> 00:50:08.000

And then she grows up with like all of these scars and all the shady feelings.

00:50:08.000 --> 00:50:13.000

And yeah, tax absolute facts. So I you never know.

00:50:13.000 --> 00:50:20.000

And no, it is. and in this and you talk to people now, and like you, when you bring people in your life, you don't even bring them your life.

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:23.000

Ring in a kid's life so it's like a double screening process.

00:50:23.000 --> 00:50:25.000

I mean it's like it's not only do I have to like them.

00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:34.000

My my my child's gonna be comfortable too and then it's kind of a package deal at this point, so I mean it's it's it's it's tough yeah and didn't you tell me in terms of

00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:45.000

co-parenting that there was like even a Disney Line trip on the horizon that you were gonna take with Disney World. Yeah.

00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:51.000

So that that was that was that was maybe like my my like turning point in this, like I remember.

00:50:51.000 --> 00:50:57.000

I and I recommended to my explain, because my daughter loves Disney world, I mean she loves just stamp as princesses, I mean who doesn't.

00:50:57.000 --> 00:51:03.000

And I just remember randomly one day I was sitting at work, and I just randomly text my wife like she was talking about.

00:51:03.000 --> 00:51:11.000

I can't remember where it was talking about it I just reached out. I'm like, okay, you know, if you ever want to go to Disney world like with you, and your boyfriend and a daughter and then let's let's do it

00:51:11.000 --> 00:51:16.000

i'm i'm in I I guess I think she loved that, and I didn't know if that was weird.

00:51:16.000 --> 00:51:20.000

If that was strange that I I even asked my buddies who's is his wife?

00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:26.000

Is on her second marriage His first i'm like is that mature or weird, , he's Well, it's mature.

00:51:26.000 --> 00:51:35.000

He's like it's a good good for you it's fine like, and so I resell do it and maybe it's it's there's a plan to have a plan I don't know when we're

00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:43.000

going, but I mean if if we go if if if they asked me to go, and i'd be happy to go and i'd i'd have no I have no issue with it I just it might be it might be a little strange but I

00:51:43.000 --> 00:51:56.000

mean I use what I those those sort of strange elements just work themselves out when your daughter's riding this the slinky dog right in toy story world. Have you been to Disney world? No, we just in fact, we just got back from

00:51:56.000 --> 00:52:01.000

Disneyland this year, after Covid Oh, yeah I've never been to Disneyland.

00:52:01.000 --> 00:52:22.000

I've no I I lived, in san clemente out in California for a while. but I've never I've never been in Disney world, only world never, never land

00:52:22.000 --> 00:52:27.000

I did not. I mean I i'm from the east coast I mean the West Coast people don't exist to me growing up.

00:52:27.000 --> 00:52:32.000

It was like a different world. Yeah. So I was like I. I and my dad never took me to Disney World.

00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:36.000

I said it was too much traffic and that was i'm not even kidding me. I my dad's on a list podcast either.

00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:43.000

But, hey, he told me this way: too much traffic. Not your not going.

00:52:43.000 --> 00:52:51.000

Yeah, that was the thing. it's too much traffic. this is the one of Florida, and whether or not this traffic there is irrelevant.

00:52:51.000 --> 00:52:53.000

But that was that was the reason we're not going this too much traffic.

00:52:53.000 --> 00:52:57.000

I remember him saying, Oh, there's too much traffic too much traffic not going.

00:52:57.000 --> 00:53:07.000

Yeah, there is a lot of traffic that we Yeah, but I mean, yeah, My, my dad was commuting, I think, from New Jersey to New York City.

00:53:07.000 --> 00:53:14.000

He was not the agent, so he was traveling I think like an hour and a half 2 h, and he was rocking like $17 each way, and tolls.

00:53:14.000 --> 00:53:18.000

I mean he had a bucket of quarters, but I remember like, Yeah, so he was drive almost 3 h a day.

00:53:18.000 --> 00:53:23.000

So yeah, he has Ptsd from driving. if you asked him to get on a car and vacation.

00:53:23.000 --> 00:53:27.000

He wasn't doing it not gonna happen no Disney world for me. I didn't go to Disney world.

00:53:27.000 --> 00:53:31.000

I was like 31. Oh, wow, okay, what are you gonna do? Yeah.

00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:37.000

But but going back to that trip, though I mean just your daughter's just gonna have like amazing memory.

00:53:37.000 --> 00:53:48.000

So whoops so like that's that's all yeah, you hope so, like I just I I have no idea what what, what what notes are out. But you can focus on what you can focus on And ?

00:53:48.000 --> 00:54:13.000

If it let's do it, let's figure it out I mean like she has so much fun at the picnic with you 3. Yeah, you you would. You would say, hey? and think of it this way too, because you know how like they shove or the merch at you and your kid just wants everything

00:54:13.000 --> 00:54:15.000

then you guys can take turn spending your money Oh, the merge game is so strong down there. Oh, it's so good.

00:54:15.000 --> 00:54:19.000

Those guys are experts wide-eyed from the slinky dog ride, and there's slinky dogs everywhere.

00:54:19.000 --> 00:54:30.000

You're? Yeah, your song right $40 on a slice of pizza and $20 on a on a on a Mickey doll or what do you do at this point? I think smart to Woody?

00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:36.000

And Jesse. what do you and Jesse , you toy story?

00:54:36.000 --> 00:54:39.000

Land was her thing When we were there she was super into toy story, toy straightforward.

00:54:39.000 --> 00:54:43.000

Come on I think right before We'd gone down there so she was, she told everyone her name was Bonnie, for like 3 months.

00:54:43.000 --> 00:54:47.000

I don't know why, from the toy story so she was she was.

00:54:47.000 --> 00:54:50.000

She wanted to be toy story so. Oh, my gosh!

00:54:50.000 --> 00:54:59.000

I forgot how else talking to you but I was talking to someone about toy story 4, and I was like, Yeah, that was such a great one like you know It's a great cartoon when that part when he's

00:54:59.000 --> 00:55:05.000

like he's like going over to that to the merry-ground thing and then you're like on pins and needles.

00:55:05.000 --> 00:55:14.000

If he's gonna make Yeah, and i'm like, of course it's gonna make it in for first of all it's a dan cartoon.

00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:17.000

But i'm like there'd be a lot of traumatized keys out there.

00:55:17.000 --> 00:55:23.000

If they could make it. I mean I assume that who didn't make it I don't know Duke Boom is my favorite.

00:55:23.000 --> 00:55:26.000

That's the boom that was my job got me 5 birthday.

00:55:26.000 --> 00:55:31.000

Duke Boom toy Oh, my goodness, you wanted to do!

00:55:31.000 --> 00:55:33.000

She wanted me to be a cake for my birthday.

00:55:33.000 --> 00:55:41.000

She wanted to duke a boom cake. Oh, okay, So her idea of a Duke boom cake was putting frosting on it, writing the words Duke Kaboom Cake on it.

00:55:41.000 --> 00:55:48.000

So is it? Oh, yeah, there was just white frosting with with letters to that Duke of Boom cake i'll write it on there.

00:55:48.000 --> 00:55:51.000

I don't want to duke boom toys right around there. It's only my ex wife just write it on.

00:55:51.000 --> 00:55:57.000

So I had the worst duke of boom cake Wow! that's a lot to put on a cake, too.

00:55:57.000 --> 00:56:03.000

Life is good. Well, thank you so much, Eddie, for for joining us today.

00:56:03.000 --> 00:56:10.000

I had a Oh, my gosh I just thank you so much, for you know, just just sharing your gosh!

00:56:10.000 --> 00:56:15.000

And I and I just can't help to think about it but in like in Hawaii.

00:56:15.000 --> 00:56:22.000

There's this word that's called like monol and that work basically means Thank you for sharing your your your spirit.

00:56:22.000 --> 00:56:33.000

You know your mindset, your belief your values i'm just trying to get an English word that just describes that.

00:56:33.000 --> 00:56:45.000

So it's called monoto, not all not all but not all, not all. Yeah. And it's a base and and and i'm like, I think if it's like 5 English words that describe that one Hawaiian word, and and it just

00:56:45.000 --> 00:56:52.000

basically your belief system, your value, your mindset just in a way like who you are.

00:56:52.000 --> 00:57:00.000

Why is it the most of like efficient? language. I mean you guys are that that that speaks volumes, and I've always been fascinated.

00:57:00.000 --> 00:57:28.000

Yeah, it's it's it is and it's so hard to that one Hawaiian word is like, so I I've gotta say 5 in looks words to say what it means because homeline is so metaphorical

00:57:28.000 --> 00:57:34.000

A lot of owls you guys, got a lot of owls. Well, I mean, there's that's Why, there's a lot of vowels in the words cause there's that not that much of the consonants

00:57:34.000 --> 00:57:41.000

right , like now itself has like 2 consonants, and then 3 vowels, 2 as an all.

00:57:41.000 --> 00:57:49.000

Here's your children speaking no no no it's hard but yeah, I'm trying to learn swedish right Now it's not going.

00:57:49.000 --> 00:57:52.000

So well got to take a few story into so much as Fanska.

00:57:52.000 --> 00:57:59.000

We're working on it. organizes It's just a way to engage your brain , live in the Now try to challenge yourself.

00:57:59.000 --> 00:58:09.000

Keep learning keep growing is that Why, you're learning not even close on polish.

00:58:09.000 --> 00:58:15.000

Why, i'm talking Swedish I have no idea But yes, I am Polish.

00:58:15.000 --> 00:58:29.000

My whole family's polish. Okay, do you have are you gonna go to swingle Sweden. I would love to I. I just got a time at during right because I mean certain times year it's dark for someone swedish listening spray you haunt the the camera You

00:58:29.000 --> 00:58:48.000

know. But yeah, it's it's one day where it's 24 h of sunlight like what a mind trip that would be

00:58:48.000 --> 00:58:58.000

That is gonna be weird. I should be tired but I don't know the sun's still up the 24 h sunlight.

00:58:58.000 --> 00:59:04.000

Yeah, and then you gotta let me know how it went

00:59:04.000 --> 00:59:23.000

Yeah, take you the ex wife, the boyfriend your daughter, and i'll bring my husband and my boys there you go and thank you everyone for Listen to this podcast and till next time.

00:59:23.000 --> 00:59:34.000

Keep healthy and stay safe. Bye