The Inner Wealth Podcast
Mike Kitko is the Founder and Creative Director of Inner Wealth Global, a personal and professional development company that helps business owners create aligned wealth, success, freedom, and deep fulfillment—without sacrificing themselves in the process.
As an author, speaker, podcaster, and coach Mike guides visionaries and impact-driven entrepreneurs to align their inner world with the life and business they are truly meant to live and create. His work helps you master your mind, energy, and emotions while building intense personal power so that wealth and opportunity flow effortlessly.
Through coaching, training, and transformational content, Inner Wealth Global helps business owners break free from unnecessary struggle, trust their path, and create a life deeply aligned with their soul.
The Inner Wealth Podcast
Ep236. Part Five – Preferences Puncture Peace. Choosing and Prioritizing Peace Above All (With Angie).
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In this episode, Mike and Angie continue their ten-part Unbreakable series by moving deeper into the heart of their transformation — the shift from a survival-based relationship to a conscious one. After laying the groundwork of childhood conditioning and nervous system wiring in earlier episodes, this conversation exposes how unspoken expectations, preferences, and control mechanisms quietly fueled years of volatility and conflict.
They explore how peace became the guiding value that reshaped their relationship, parenting, and daily life. By distinguishing between preferences and standards, Mike and Angie reveal how letting go of control allowed their nervous systems to regulate, trust to rebuild, and stability to emerge. This episode makes it clear: relationships don’t change when circumstances change — they change when the nervous system does.
Key Takeaways
1. Preferences quietly puncture peace
When preferences matter more than harmony, conflict becomes inevitable.
2. The nervous system prioritizes familiarity over safety
People repeat painful dynamics because survival patterns feel known, not because they want suffering.
3. Standards create safety, preferences create conditions
Standards are non-negotiable foundations; preferences are flexible and optional.
4. Triggers reveal unresolved internal pressure
Emotional reactions don’t come from the moment — they come from stored survival energy.
5. Conscious relationships are built on self-regulation
Peace emerges when each person takes responsibility for their own nervous system.
Notable Quotes
• “When my preferences mattered more than my wife and my peace, it really did rule the house.”
• “Anytime we held a preference and we wanted our preference more than peace, then it ruptured everything.”
• “Preferences puncture peace.”
• “It’s not a preference that we have fidelity in our marriage. It’s a standard.”
• “I’d rather have peace than my preferences.”
Call to Action
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Music Credit: "What's Left of Me" by Wes Hoffman & Friends
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Setting The Stage: Unbreakable Week Five
SPEAKER_02Welcome to the Inner World Podcast, where we learn and keep the live inspired each and every day.
SPEAKER_01Hey everyone, welcome to the Inner World Podcast with Mike and Angie.
SPEAKER_02I'm Angie and it's the Angie.
SPEAKER_01Today we are going into week five of our 10-week series called Unbreakable, where we walk uh walk through all the the collapse and rebuild of our relationship and our lives. And today we have a prop. Today we're talking about today.
SPEAKER_02We're talking about my probably my favorite topic is preferences, puncture, peace. Now, first of all, that great job starting the episode for the second week in a row. That's a that was a huge act of courage because maybe one day we'll do a blue burrill about how last week when I said you want to start, she's like, no, like fuck no. Like it was an immediate no. But then she did a great job. So great job again. Each time gets a little easier, right? Um preferences, puncture piece. I just remember uh one day getting a download, right? Just one of these things that just drops in. It's not something I created or something I dreamt of, but just popped into my awareness and it was there. And then I remember we were talking on a podcast, you and I. It was either that or a mastermind calling.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it was one of our first couple, I think it was like one of our first in the in the series. Or maybe it was the mastermind calling. You broke that out.
The Spatula Story: Preferences In Action
SPEAKER_02It was it was somewhere, but it was a surprise to her. And I said, preferences puncture piece. And I heard like like I had never said that but you know in front of her before. But when I said that, it really made sense. And I I think if if it was somewhere along the line in the 10-week series that we had outlined, I actually added this one because it was a kind of a new awareness. Um, but this is this was a biggie. This this topic um was a very big revelation. Not not no, it it was a gradual installation in our marriage, but I don't think we knew what we were doing, that we we weren't conscious of it. Uh, and then when we became conscious, it was pretty obvious why all the suffering had shown up in our life and why uh in our lives together, and and kind of how how why things got so cremate crazy and traumatic and and drastic for a while. So, one of my favorite topics. You anything to add to that?
SPEAKER_01Well, I brought um, I actually brought a prop today to demonstrate.
SPEAKER_02So just gonna jump out of the shoot. Gotcha. All right, let's go.
SPEAKER_01Whenever you're ready, I just go ahead.
SPEAKER_02But this this will set the stage. This will be this will be good to set the stage.
SPEAKER_01So I yeah, I think that this will be a good way to really start to to set out what we're getting ready to talk about. Um, and when I noticed this yesterday, it was one of those moments where it was like, oh wow, you recognized your growth because it was like damn years ago, that's what it pissed me off. So I have here, if you're not if you're listening, you're not gonna see this, but I'm gonna post a picture on social media to tease the episode tomorrow. I have right here, see, this is our little spatula. This is that's a clean it's supposed, it's supposed to be a clean spatula. You see that?
SPEAKER_02Clean spatula.
SPEAKER_01And if you've uh if you've been if you've ever heard me talk on this podcast before, I talk a lot about how I like a clean kitchen.
SPEAKER_00She does.
SPEAKER_01I like a clean kitchen. I love cleaning my kitchen, I love having a clean kitchen. Before we came downstairs today, I noticed a bunch of chicken gunk on the counter, and I was like, oh crap, I need to get that up. And uh Mike doesn't care about that.
SPEAKER_02Well, it's not like I'm sloppy or messy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but what is that?
SPEAKER_02So I can I I can I can tell the story behind it.
SPEAKER_01Yes, you tell the story behind that. I just I've got my prop and you tell the story behind it.
SPEAKER_02So this is my look every day I eat eggs, right? And I just posted on socials a couple days ago. My the the season that I'm in right now with my eggs is four eggs, Swiss cheese, and Van Zance seasoning. And that's like it's a great, it's a great um uh way to eat eggs. But and I get no promotion by van's ant's, it's just it's a it's a seasoning I think.
SPEAKER_01I think if they're open to it, we're available.
SPEAKER_02Good. Well, check this out. This is my favorite spatula. This little thing. I've had it for years, and it came with a wok set one time. And if if you're watching, you can see the spatula. If you're listening, you can't. It's just about a little eight-inch spatula. It's kind of beat to hell. It's got some burn marks on it, but it came with a little wok set. And when I got, we no longer have the walk set, but we have the spatula because this is my favorite little spatula. So every day I look for this thing, but it's it's wooden and it doesn't really probably not good to use this with eggs because that's exactly what happened. Now, Angie has coached me through these things before. She's coached me through the cleanliness of the spatula. There was a time where she was very judgmental about it and very harsh, not anymore, but she laughs through it and, you know, this says, hey, this is, you know, whatever, and this we gotta maybe put it in the dishwasher. And I know I'm gonna use it the next day, and we don't run our dishwasher every day. So that's that's you know the workings of my mind. But I scrubbed the hell out of this spatula after I used it. I scrubbed the hell out of it. And I we got this scrubby upstairs.
SPEAKER_01Scrub mommy.
SPEAKER_02It's a scrub mommy, uh scrub daddy, but it's got two sides, and one side's very abrasive, and I scrubbed the hell out of it. And when it's wet, you can't see if there's residual stuff on there. So I'm putting the drain. I'm like, I had to have scrubbed it hard enough. And the next couple hours later, Angie comes, she was emptying the drain. She comes up and says, Hey, preferences, puncture, peace.
SPEAKER_01So when I saw it, when I saw it in the drain, like in the past, I would have just gotten absolutely irate and and reminded Mike that, hey, you need to clean this better. Instead, I picked it up, I laughed, and I was going to clean it, but then I thought about today's episode and how it was a great, uh, great way to demonstrate what silly preferences we keep in ourselves that we try to hold others accountable for, and it punctures our peace. So I so I walked in and I told him that I said, and I told him exactly why, because I wasn't going in there to superate him for the the attacking days are over.
From Triggers To Trust: Intention Over Perfection
SPEAKER_02But in the past, and and in the past, a couple things would have happened. One is she would have walked in, and it even if she was lighthearted, I would have taken it all butthurt, right? And and I would have like attacked or or defended myself. But also, she would have assumed that I really didn't try to clean it. So there's a couple things. The the intentions that I had were bad, and then I would have perceived the intentions that she had bad. And we held on to our preferences so much, and we didn't trust the other person's intentions and everything, even when it was a when it was a preference and and and when somebody really did go above and beyond to try to do something, you know, the way the other person wanted it or preferred it, when it wasn't done perfectly, it would have started a fight. It would have started arguments, and it would that anytime we held a preference, um, and we we wanted our preference more than peace, then it started, it ruptured everything. And we lived through our preferences. And now, you know, I was having a conversation with our older daughter, Katie, yesterday, and and I said, you know, I was talking about um my preferences, and I said, because she she was saying, I'm gonna have a thousand cats. That's what she said. I'm gonna have a thousand cats. And her boyfriend Quinn says she he wants a dog, and and she's like, I don't want a dog. And and he said, Well, if you get a thousand cats, then I think I should be able to have a dog. And and Katie's basically saying, My preference is to not have a dog, and Quinn's saying, My preference is to have a dog. And and I'm saying, Well, Katie, I I've given up my preferences in order to have peace in the house. And and I I realized that my preferences got in a way of a lot of things where I almost asserted a lot of control and authority that that wasn't necessary because I wanted things done my way and I thought my preferred way was the right way. And when my preferences mattered more than my wife and my peace, it really did rule the house. And we gradually let go of the need to have our preferences met and maintained, and we allowed the other person just to live and breathe. And if there's something I prefer that she doesn't, then I go and clean up, not clean up, but I go rearrange behind her. I don't do it in front of her.
SPEAKER_01No, you go.
SPEAKER_02And vice versa. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I mean, you'll grab my coffee. I I'm a drink hoarder. I'll have three cups in front of me at any time, and Mike will come and pick my coffee cup up at 4 30 p.m.
SPEAKER_02Sometimes later. Last night. Last night it was like eight o'clock.
SPEAKER_01Are you done with this?
SPEAKER_02But but it's it I don't do that from a place of of anger or hostility. I do it from a place of there's a coffee cup, and it it just, you know, I'm gonna put it in the dishwasher. That's it. It's it's not, but old Mike and old our old way of of living, there were so many little preferential conditions that we placed on each other that our piece was constantly being punctured because our preferences mattered more than that piece.
SPEAKER_01Yep, and we were fighting over spatulism.
SPEAKER_02And we were fighting over spatulas and coffee cups and and you know, chicken, uh, whatever, on on the that that I had no idea. I didn't even see it, I didn't even know it was there. The point being is, and and I don't want to keep, you know, just monologuing, um, although I'm really good at that. At some point, you gotta choose do you love your partner more than your preferences? And if you need your preferences met, there might be something a little more to your nervous system, to your need for control, to your need to have things done in your way uh instead of allowing other people to demonstrate their preferences.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and recognizing that when when you see something that's not meeting your preference, the other person didn't do it intentionally. Understanding that you didn't not clean the spatula to harm me or to make me mad. Yeah. Just you just not something you pay attention. You probably had 50 other things on your mind.
SPEAKER_02Always got something, something swirling up there, something creative. And when when I was sharing that with our our daughter, that you know, I don't always have, I don't have my preferences, I don't have a lot of my preferences met. And and that's okay. I used to be a I used to play victim to that, right? And every once in a while there's a little victim bitch that that creeps back into my mind and and tries to get me back into victim mode, but you know, I'll get to take, I get to assert control and authority over that vic over that voice. But, you know, when I said, I I don't have a lot of my preferences met, but I I'd rather have peace than than than preference, my preferences. And Katie says, Well, I I don't think, I don't think you need to give up your preferences. And we're we're upstairs in our our uh sitting room, and there's and she did a great job a couple years ago where the the the bathroom, the the bottom, there's uh chair rail on the sitting room or in the dining room and in the bathroom and and every room, but she painted the yeah, the sitting room. She painted the bottom of the uh the bottom below the chair rail in those three rooms different colors. One's purple, one's blue, and one's red. And I I I just when I told my my daughter, I said, well, if if it were up to me, every wall would be white in this house. Uh those three, those three rooms, they wouldn't have a different color on the bottom. And there's a long time I tried to dictate that. And what I've realized, it didn't fucking matter. It really didn't fucking matter. It didn't matter. I was so such a controlling asshole that I needed my way of living implemented in our lives at sometimes at the expense of her way of living. And that was the first time I really let go of control.
SPEAKER_00It was, yeah.
SPEAKER_02And it felt good. It felt good because I I got to see her in action and I got to see her kind of see her vision come to reality, and it caused me zero harm. And that's when I saw the piece in that, I'm like, got it. Let's go.
SPEAKER_01That was years before we even got here. So that's but did you recognize it at that moment? Um, or was it something you recognized later on once you were became more aware of the work?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, definitely. It it just it it was, I guess it was the leading edge of that realization.
SPEAKER_01It's like you subconsciously you probably realized like just a touch of consciousness, but you didn't really, yeah, I see.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. It gave me a little hint of of the you know the future. Yeah, but man, I I just remember the um that was the first time I had ever relinquished control in our relationship. And I had always I always asserted dominance and asserted control, maybe because I was scared, but I think it was because I was afraid of losing control. I think that's what it was. And that was that was a feeling of peace that I had. So how did it feel when you got to ex express your preferences at the at the not the expense of mine, but instead of mine?
SPEAKER_01When I got to paint my walls? Yeah. Um, it felt really good because I had I I'm I'm our interior design. Um what we like and what we don't like are completely different. Yeah, I'm much more of a of a creative. I want, I like just Mike is let's just put it this way. Mike is all white, sterile, very plain, very drab, very just Mike's kind of militant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a good way. And for me to finally have some color to express myself, and it was yeah, and I had a vision and I in in my head, like I it was gonna be so pretty. And I think it it came out really.
SPEAKER_02I think it came out wonderful.
SPEAKER_01I mean, we have Ravens colors, blues colors, and Cardinals colors, and they're it's just a splash, it's nothing like obnoxious or whatever, but it felt really good because when I did, when I told him what I wanted to do, I his first thought was that's gonna look terrible. Like those those colors don't, there's no, they don't go together, they don't, and I was and I knew that I I I knew it was gonna look good. So it was really cool.
SPEAKER_02It's the first time I got to see and the reason I thought it was gonna look not good is because it didn't match the vision in my head. And in my back then, is what was in my head was correct and everything else was wrong.
Peace Over Preference At Home
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and now another we'll give another example of that. We have a couple years ago, I did a project with our daughters um with their kindergarten through senior year school pictures. And I took each of the same year photo and put it in a double collage side by side. So you can see both girls kindergarten, kindergarten first, first, second, second, so on, so on. Still need to get their like senior portraits up there. And uh my my preference would be to have a really cool scattering of of the pictures, the way they were hung up, not like militant, like Mike Flex. And I gave him, I did the project and I let him have his militant preference there. So they are lined up four by four.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. That's I think I think the wall looks great, but I think it's it's organized in a way where you can see kindergarten first, second, third, and you can see the progression. And and you so you got a little of your way, and I got a little of my way, and I it's it's probably my favorite space in the house, right?
SPEAKER_01Because it's not it's not your preference to even have a bunch of stuff on the wall. So just to do that was was big when I decided to do that project.
SPEAKER_02But again, when I walked in and saw the or every time I walk into that room and I see that wall, I look at it and I stare at it. And there's you know, there's memories associated with each of those levels of growth that we experience with our girls, and and it just unlocks so much like love in me. And and also I look at certain certain age groups and I can see the pain in their face as well. I can see the, you know, I can see where we were as a family and the pain. Just like my daughter, um, my daughter Katie, our daughter Katie, there's there's two pictures where where you know, when you look at her, she has she doesn't have a smile on her face. She just has a a little, a little smirk, I guess you could say, but it's not really a smile. And she said there was like so much emptiness in those years. And and I can see the emptiness on her face. I can see it. But uh that wall brings me a lot of joy just looking at it. And if I would have had my preference, then that wall wouldn't be there because everything in this house would be empty. The house would be empty, everything would be white, and it would be a stale hospital environment, and like we'd have the little least amount of furniture we can, and we'd have the least amount of decorations, and it would be empty. But uh yeah, I love my piece. Yeah, I love my piece. And a couple, I don't know if it was last week or or the week before, but we talked talked about the difference between standards and conditions and what we're really talking about. We didn't want to get too much into standards and conditions that back then and really dial in because we knew we were coming here, but uh really what we were talking about when we're talking about conditions are preferences. Yeah, that's it, preferences. It's not my preference that she is faithful to me. It is it is not her preference that I'm faithful to her. We've already been down that road in the wrong way, and we've already experienced that. And well, I don't think either of us want it. I know neither of us want anything to do with that shit anymore. And that's why the level of trust has grown. It's not a preference that we have fidelity in our marriage, it's a standard, right? It's not a preference for the other person to respect, for one to respect the other. It's not as it's not a it's not a preference, it's a standard. It's it's a it's a it's a a a um what's the word I'm looking for? It's non-negotiable. It's not a preference that we look to lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. It's a standard. These are very, very different. And a standard you don't fall below. And a a preference or an expectation, you can build up to it, but it's not quite the magnitude of a standard, of the importance, of the urgency of the of the I don't know, the value and the value system of the standard. And a preference is just a condition, right? This is just a condition. And although I would love to actually um possess the capability of of cleaning the spatula. Actually, actually, we yeah, we'll talk about that at some point too, because that's a good one. But I would love to possess the capacity and the capability to be able to clean this spatula correctly. Uh, haven't been able to demonstrate it. So so we can either like fight over the spatula or we can laugh about it and move about our day.
SPEAKER_01And I can either I can either rise to my preference and clean the spatula or get angry and puncture my peace. And I choose to just clean the damn spatula.
SPEAKER_02Because so let's talk about some of the some of our preferences that aren't met. All right. And you've got a list, not not a not a not a literal list, yeah, but you can you can recall some of the things that you're where your preferences aren't being met, and I can recall some things that where my preferences aren't being met, and let's share those and and and and we'll walk through them. You know, maybe we talk about three of them. What what what what are three of your preferences that aren't met on a regular basis?
SPEAKER_01I my list is pretty short. It's up to three. Go ahead. I think uh, you know, one is is the is the fucking spatula?
SPEAKER_02No, no. Well you're the one who brought a problem.
SPEAKER_01I think the problem is purpose. Well, um planning date nights is just something that I would I would love to have something planned for me, for us. Um you know, I plan trips for your birthdays, I planned you know, I plan things, I I always because that's my love language is something like that. And it it doesn't happen. And that that's okay. And for years it was I would try to hold you accountable for that. And then so let's go to okay, so let's back it up now because I think the important thing here is recognizing that the majority of our preferences when the other person isn't meeting them, especially when you're looking at stuff. like planning date nights or give you gift giving and things like that. It's probably because the your partner's not living up to that because it causes them some sort of anxiety or frustration or or disease, right?
SPEAKER_02And disease. Not disease. Disease, disease.
Standards Versus Preferences Defined
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. So um, you know, so for for years, I'm like, why don't you plan date nights? Like, why don't you, why don't you buy tickets to the theater? Why don't you plan a trip for us? Why don't you plan a birthday trip for me? And then when I he when he did do it, you know, he did plan a birthday party for me a few years ago and he was so proud of himself.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I was. And then I got completely freaking just deflated.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, well not by me. No, not by you. No, a comment was made secondhand and it was okay. Um and he planned my surprise birthday party at the co-workspace where we have our workshops.
SPEAKER_02And I wasn't focused on the where.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I it was a surprise and I actively worked with two people like Kara Dossi, our our our uh awesome awesome ops assistant, and Katie Chaffield, Angie's best friend. And you know I I went out and I called the caterer and I I ordered all the food and Katie and Kara organized some things and got it all set up and we we invited you know 30 of our our local friends and and and for me it wasn't about the location. The location wasn't the thing I was focused on. Yeah the friends and our the people that loved Angie and the people that Angie loved those were the people that was what I was focused on. I was so focused on the people I wasn't worried about the the place.
SPEAKER_01So you you did you did your best and I it was at that moment that I realized okay if I want something done a certain way yeah then it's up to me to do it. And I'm not going to hold you accountable for I mean I put on my fucking Christian Louutons thinking that it was going to be at like a nice restaurant or something.
SPEAKER_02And I kept telling her Angie it's you're you're overpreparing for those you were bluffing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah well I I thought you were bluffing I really did because that's what I would do if I were if I were planning a surprise like that's what I would do. So of course so I'm putting expectations on you you're gonna do what I would do right and that's just so backwards.
SPEAKER_02Yeah so I again it's that vision that you have in your mind and you're like if if I don't get if I don't mind read and get that vision correct that you have in your head then then you're just you weren't yeah but you would have been disappointed right if if that vision that you didn't share in in reality right in that moment at that at that event my birthday I want the restaurant friends I want it in this restaurant I want it to look like this dark room light room whatever you got that vision and you need it to be okay or you need to be it had have it be exact in order for you to be satisfied that's a really hard hard journey with somebody and I think that that and I think that that just causes an extreme amount of pain in relationships that I think goes un it goes unspoken and leads to resentment right so I I thanked I thanked you for the party and I really did appreciate it.
SPEAKER_01And but I also told you let's not do this again don't do this again honey and not in a not in a shitty way. Sure no and that's the thing is it wasn't it wasn't oh my God you did terrible don't you ever do this again it was there was no guilt no shame I appreciate this but going forward let me handle planning this stuff because that's that way my vision of what I want comes to fruit again the five weapons of the week guilt shame anger threats and blame right we don't use those so it's not a hostile we don't have a hostile relationship anymore.
SPEAKER_02So there was no guilt or no shame so there were some of some of her friends that said if he would have if if my spouse if my if my boyfriend if my husband would have planned a birthday and had it at a co-working shop I would be pissed and like when Angie shared that with me I was like fuck I can't get like I I this is the best I've ever done and it's still a moving target and it's still something that I can't get right and that's that was it was that immediate feeling deflated that I felt like I went above and beyond and did the best I ever did, which kind of was true but it still wasn't good enough.
SPEAKER_01And I'm like holy fuck what you did though and I recognize but that's not that's what I'm trying to emphasize here is that you did do the best you could do.
SPEAKER_02But it was that it in in the moment when you shared that I I felt that like balloon deflate right damn it I can't get like I tried man now I gotta wait a whole nother year to try it. And then Angie said don't do that again. Like we're good we're good you you tried you did your you did your best I loved it it was it was fantastic don't do it again. Yeah you're good.
SPEAKER_01And how about I mean that that's my biggest one I mean there's little stinky ones like I like dancing I like like there's certain things that just little preferences that I prefer to have hobbies in my life that I want to do together not separate.
SPEAKER_02And you know but anyway how about your but but here's here's the I got a couple questions for you. Okay. Your birthday yes having your birthday at a restaurant with people that you love with your Christian Lou Butons on have I ever said no to that no okay I just haven't made it happen. Right okay um what was the what was the next example that you said oh um dancing yeah old mic dancing stupid new mic have I said no no so it's just that I haven't made it happen yeah but I'm I'm open to it yeah and I'm willing to participate. Right awesome that's the difference. Yes it's not my preference but I'm willing to participate and I think that is the you know that's the happy the happy middle is you you hear people talk about you know fill your own cup up uh if you want it get it for yourself.
Date Nights, Expectations, And Mind Reading
SPEAKER_01And oh gosh this time of year you guys here's what we're gonna start seeing if I have to ask for it I don't want it that is such a toxic it's so freaking to live that is that is not a relationship that is a main manipulationship and when you're trying to manipulate someone into reading your damn mind and doing things that you have un you've not spoken if if I say to him right now my birthday is next month March 22nd hey honey I would like to have my birthday party at the main house in the basement and I would like this many people to come here and then he and I would like you to plan it and he doesn't do it then that's different. But if I just sit here and wow that's really weird about my party and it doesn't happen that I get pissed because if I have to ask for it now I don't want it. No that's just that's a manipulation ship.
SPEAKER_02It was also a time where I was trying to figure out how to how to plan date nights and how to plan things like that. And I was talking with with Katie Chatfield and and she said my God I'd be happy to plan those things for you. Like let me do it. And I shared that with Angie that I was going to start planning date nights I was going to start planning date nights and she's like that'd be awesome and I was like well actually Katie Chatfield's gonna do it she's like no I want you to do it. Like it's not that I want it done I want you to do it. And I remember there's a there's a a client that I had one point where very very successful client and he wanted to hire a uh uh um a house cleaner and his wife felt obligated now you went through some of this too we went through some of this too but it wasn't quite the this he wanted to hire a house cleaner because they were doing very well and he wanted to take all of that the laundry responsibility the the how the housekeeping the the cooking he wanted to take all of it away from his wife to kind of like free her free her plate and she out of like guilt and shame that that that's housework it should be what I'm I'm doing my contribution and when um when he came home from work one time she said she said hey you know I want I want the the the floor mopped in there or something like that. I'm mopping the floor or they were getting they were getting ready for an event or something having friends over and and I said I said did she want the floor mopped or did she want you to mop the floor he said she said I want you to mop the floor I literally want to see you mopping the floor it was it was almost like a power play she he's a powerful businessman business leader entrepreneur and it's like she wanted to see him with a mop in his hand it wasn't about having the thing done it was about seeing him do it. And I think that that's where the hmm I don't like using this word a lot but narcissism comes in that that I need you to meet my needs and my wants and my desires even though you can meet them a different way I want to I want to know that you did it regardless of how you feel and if you want to do it or not.
SPEAKER_01Yeah and I don't even think I I looking back I I don't even know why it was important that you did it versus just saying I mean it's just like making a reservation you all you I don't know I I I don't know why that was important.
SPEAKER_02I really don't I have to I have to think about that well I think it was still not from a place of pain but still this this lack of understanding that preferences aren't that important. Yeah and it was just a preference to have me do it. It was like almost like a maybe validation of my love for you that I did it instead of outsourcing it. Because I just wanted to get it done. And in fact when I'm working with executive leaders I and these guys that are high powered and high profiled I'm like get yourself a freaking assistant.
SPEAKER_01Well I mean if you were gonna plan a trip you would use a travel agent let most likely because you're not a researcher you don't enjoy that type of research like I do. So what why would it be okay for you to use?
SPEAKER_02I'm just thinking through that now because I'm confused as to why I thought that no I think I think you still assigned and and and there was nothing wrong right it was still an opportunity for growth but it was still an assignment of you do it and then I'll feel love.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02You do it and then I'll feel like you care. And it wasn't from a place of pain and it wasn't from a place of manipulation. It was a place from you were still living in that spot that it wasn't it wasn't the the experience that you wanted is you wanted to know that I created the experience. Something like something like that and and now you've evolved beyond that. Knowing this is it's the experience that matters it doesn't matter if you plan it if I plan it or or Katie Chatfield plans it's the experience that matters not not the lead up to the experience.
SPEAKER_01And and I think what helped helped me get through that was I remember one time you were trying to plan something and I've tried a billion times.
Outsourcing Love And The Need To “See You Do It”
SPEAKER_02I know and and watching like the angst and the the indecision and the frustration that it caused you when when I had evolved in my growth and when I saw that and I was like oh shit that I don't want him to feel all these things this is this that's shitty I don't I don't want you to feel that so why would I ask you to continue doing and I keep saying that well why would I want the person I love more than anything in this world my best friend why would I want to be the cause of any angst frustration anxiety or dis ease yeah now that's I'm gonna go back to an old girlfriend that I used to have because I I see a pattern and I see a I see a pattern in my life all right and it showed up at the beginning of our relationship we've worked through it now and we'll we're working through it now but the way this girlfriend would and yeah the the way she would operate is if I if if I was pulling it into the mall and back then the malls were full and packed and getting a parking spot was tough right now it's a ghost yard or a graveyard and it I I'd say hey where you know where's your preference to park and I'm I'm coming up with a a ridiculous you know uh example and she'd say oh I don't care and and if I pull into a certain parking spot she'll she'd be like well that one's closer and it was like I don't care until you choose and then I care. It was where you want to go for dinner oh I don't care you pick up a spot and you've done this before and then I pick a spot and you're like yeah no I didn't care until you actually chose and now I do care. And it's like that is those things are fucking deflating. Yeah like there have been times where I have secretly signed up us up for a show a dinner a whatever something I I chose that we're going to go to this museum I can't remember exactly what it was and then I come in and I'm all excited and I'm prideful and hey I I finally made a decision that the you know because you're like would you just make a decision you say that all the time and then I finally make a decision and I walk in and say hey we're going to the museum you're like I don't want to go anywhere tonight. Yeah like that shit's fucking deflating like that's when it's the same feeling that you know when you plan an event at the co-working space and somebody says well I would have been pissed it's like man the target keeps moving there's no way to hit it why am I even trying it's those things right and so it takes some also some surrender on both sides. Yeah good stuff good stuff my my preferences the the the ones that aren't aren't met are very they're very ridiculous and meaningless like your robe in the bathroom yeah like clothes on our dresser like your clothes in the bathroom your slippers in the bathroom your folded up clothes on on the on the the the dresser your clothes on the there's a theme your clothes on this the the chair in our bedroom all these your clothes strewn everywhere while all of my shoes are lined up and I've got everything in the closet and I've got no shoes or nothing on the side of my bed and I've got nothing out everything's away everything's put away and then I've got this much closet space I'm trying to on video I got this much closet space and then she hers wraps around the entire rest of the thing and and her stuff sometimes ends up on my side that's this big like I'm like give me just a little space and then little stupid things like we on our closet we have five hooks we have a hanger for like belts and I'm doing good on the you're doing better. Sometimes you still violate it oh I but but anyway there's five hooks and she's got four and I've got one and sometimes she'll take something and put it on my hook I'm like I just want one hook I just want one hook can I please just have one hook and it's these little things that have become humorous instead of points of frustration.
SPEAKER_01Well I'm ready to throw everything in that damn closet away but now I'm ready to throw everything away literally I am in such a purge mode right now so I there's actually like two big bags of of donation stuff in our closet floor right now. So it's kind of a mess.
SPEAKER_02But yeah yeah but you know when when I look at the clothes and I'm I I I say that about the the the pattern of the clothes being stuff like that. Man it used to be so freaking it used to be so important to me and now I just I see it but I'll see through it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
Decision Fatigue And Moving Targets
SPEAKER_02Because it doesn't freaking matter really I just I just want peace in my household I just want peace with you. I just want I want to love you and I I I just I just want I just want peace yeah instead of being right right yeah and I think that's that's another thing in my friend Brian Schroeder always talks about I wanted to be early on in his career in business he wanted to be right more than he wanted to be successful. Like like he would fight for at one point he believed he was getting ready to go bankrupt than his business partner didn't and he fought his business partner he's like I'm gonna make us fucking broke I'm gonna make us bankrupt because I want to be right like and he realized that's kind of stupid I I I wanted to be right more than more than successful. And when he let go of the need to be right they became successful. So you know it's letting go of the need to have my preferences met because you know and look I've got sexual preferences that aren't being met. Like Angie's 46 47 48 next month in in premenopausal like she's at this age of life where what what I prefer she can't provide. And there's a time where I still felt that she should be the porn star that I had in my mind and you know and and and and serve in the way that whatever in my in this mind that I've always wanted in my relationship. But I am a willing participant she is a willing participant she doesn't say no. That's the key she doesn't say no she is a willing participant if I can come up it's not like we live this big fantasy life but I can come up with some crazy shit and she would say yes. She would participate but she's not going to dream that shit up and back in the day I used to get frustrated that she wouldn't read my mind and she wouldn't initiate when I wanted her to initiate or that she wasn't ready to go when I was ready to go or when I was in the shower and I was getting you know getting uh uh washed and I'm like she's gonna be in bed naked I know it she's gonna be in bed naked she's gonna like read my mind she's gonna be in bed naked and I'd come out and she was clothed and I'd be pissed because in my mind I had this vision of what it should look like just like in her mind she has her vision of what her date night should look like or her birthday should look like and we both had to let that go. We got to let it go and when we let it go we settled into peace. Yeah and I think that's a very beautiful thing. We have a very peaceful life I think we do we do and I'll do anything to protect our daughter is 23 years old her older daughter's 23 and our younger daughter is 21 and the older daughter she's Katie she she pokes she provokes she'll say the thing she'll do the thing she knows the she knows the spot and she touches it. She knows the word and she touches it she knows the trigger and she'll she'll go and and scratch it and I have learned and grown and have become resolute in the fact that she can poke but I'm not gonna attack just like we just like last week's episode with Pete Davidson it's it I just I'm not Angie and and Katie start to have a conversation it starts to get a little heated I don't get involved I prefer peace but I don't get involved let let them figure it out Katie says that provocative word Katie does that provocative thing and I don't get triggered and and I my preferences aren't being met because I'd rather those things not happen. But man my peace matters more than my preferences preferences puncture peace standards lock go and get in lockstep right don't ever fall below your standards agree to what your standards are in yourself in life in your partner and don't fall below them but let all the conditions and all the preferences go. Okay but hold up the one the one the preference that I believe should be standard in every relationship is what temperature do you like the air around you that's true and I didn't hear this until after I was already married right after we were already married is that the most important question you can sort out before you get before you get married is what temperature do you like the air around you? But I'm gonna take it a step and I think that tongue in cheek but yeah but I'm gonna take it a step farther right I like taking showers with you. The question is what temperature does your freaking wife like like the the water right because Angie holy shit I can't even touch the water that that she takes a shower with. It just scalds the f out of me and she likes like she likes hellfire coming out of that oh yeah I come out of the shower and my body is just my skin is red when we used to take shower together I couldn't freaking get under the water it it would it scald me but for some reason Angie just sits on under there and she happy as a clam happy as a clam I don't know I don't but so it's my preference to take a like a comfortable shower and not a scalding shower but when we were taking showers together either either I got my shower together or I got I got uh I was alone right shower together and getting scalded or showering alone so um sometimes we got to compromise and make sacrifices because there's a reason I like to take showers together. So anyway guys I hope that helped um this wasn't overnight that we just stepped into this place. All right it wasn't an overnight evolution It was uh it was work event after event after trigger after trigger after trigger. Um and communication and communication. Communication. You're in a spiritual relationship, every relationship is a spiritual relationship. And on this on this morning's Soul Sciences call in our mastermind, we talked about the fact that you choose the partner who's most capable of triggering you, whose shadow is present, uh, and who can trigger your shadows, who their shadows are fully capable of triggering yours and will. And that's kind of why you're together is you know, when when I was when I was a little kid, I told this story on the mastermind. When I was a little kid, my mom was physically, mentally, emotionally distant. I'm a very affectionate guy. I'm a very love, I love to be touched, I love to be, I love hugs. If you're you know, if you spend any time with me, you know I hug a lot. Um, I'm a very affectionate guy. I want firm hugs, I want long hugs, I want, I want to be touched, I want to be caressed by my wife. I want to be, I want to be held, and I love that. And I got none of that when I was a child because my mother was very, very distant, and that's the only maternal figure I had in my life. Um, and when I entered my marriage, I entered my marriage with this woman who was a mirror image of that. And Angie is not an affectionate person. Angie does not care to be touched all the time. She does not need to be held, she does not need to be caressed. That is not her love language. It's not something that lights up her soul. So she is like literally unwill, not unwilling, unable to provide that for me. And what I shared in the mastermind is that's exactly why Angie showed up into my life. It's because she was that experience that little Mike had in the adult life, so I could finally heal it and finally start to let that part go, that part heal. But she couldn't do that. Angie couldn't help me heal that by giving me that. She could only help me heal by withholding that and not being able to give that to me so I could let go of the need for that and not choose my preference, but choose her operating design and allow her to live in her design with her purpose and her destiny and her internal compass. And for that, if you put two people together, there's no way to get all of your needs met when somebody's operating out of their design. Sum it up pretty well.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, another good episode.
SPEAKER_02Another awesome episode. I love doing this for you. Or done doing this with you, not for you. And it's for you too, but uh it's for us, and it's a lot of fun. I hope you're having fun tracking along. We got a lot more to go. Um, this is our ep, our fifth episode, and uh, it's just gonna keep getting better. So come back, uh come back next week and keep following along. And on social medias, on socials, uh, if you're actively following this along in real time, I do a lot of social media reels. Angie's been sharing them too. Um chop up little bits and pieces of this and share. Go uh go connect, go uh like our Facebook pages. Uh, we're also on TikTok, we're also uh on Instagram, uh, get a YouTube channel. Um, yeah, connect with us all across the platforms and and just thanks for being along for the ride and keep playing with us, all right? Until next week, we'll see you guys soon. If you enjoyed what you heard and you want to learn more, go to www.innerwealthglobal.com for more tools and report.