Tuesday Talks: Getting the Sex You Want in a Swap

Tuesday Talks: Getting the Sex You Want in a Swap | Episode 94

In this episode of The Swing Nation Podcast, the top-rated podcast about non-monogamy and swinging, Dan and Lacy dive into another round of Tuesday Talks, answering real listener questions.

This week, they get a text from an experienced woman in the lifestyle who’s been struggling to communicate what she wants and needs during intimate encounters — and worries that coming across too strong might be hurting her connections. Dan and Lacy break down the fine line between confident communication and being perceived as bossy, and share nuanced advice on how to express desires in a way that feels sexy, respectful, and effective for everyone involved.

Whether you’re new to the lifestyle or well-seasoned, this episode is packed with practical tips on communication, confidence, and how to advocate for your pleasure without killing the vibe. Don’t miss this candid conversation on getting what you want — and doing it the right way.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This podcast is intended for adult audiences. Over the age of 18, it contains adult language and situations. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to us, and not of any employer, organization, committee, or other group or individuals. This podcast is not intended to be taken as professional advice.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Welcome to the Swing Nation Podcast, a podcast by swingers for swingers, where we look to educate others and push back on the negative stigmas and misconceptions associated with our lifestyle. Come with us and share our pineapple journey as we travel the globe, interview the experts, learn and grow together. Join the nation. So Lacey, people are asking, how do they get to go to a party or an event with us?

SPEAKER_00 0:52

They check out swingerssociety.net, you create a profile, you sign up for an event, and you come hang out with us. It's super easy.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

That's right. If you want to party with us in the other faces and names that you know from social media and TikTok, head on over to swingersociety.net.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Can't wait to see you there.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Tuesday talks. Just send your questions to Dan and Lake State. Tuesday talks. Swing Nation got you feeling sexy. Tuesday talks.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Talking Tuesday with Dan and Lacey. How about that high note?

SPEAKER_01 1:31

That was perfect. Hey there, pineapple people, and welcome to the Swing Nation podcast. We are your hosts, Northern Guy and Southern Girl. And we are back with another rendition of Tuesday Talks.

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Talking Tuesday. With Dan and Lacey. That's what happens when you get a full night's rest. Wacy. I'm in a happy mood today. Wacy. Lacey.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Uh okay. Um, so uh we're back. We're back. Man, I I I messed myself up with all that singing.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Yeah. All right.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

So it took us a little bit this morning to find a Tuesday talk question. Uh haven't got very many voicemails lately. So you guys need to call in, you need to write in, you need to text in, you need to send us your audio.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

And we need different things. We get a lot of the same question. And so, like, if we don't answer your question, it's not because we don't like your question. It's just we've basically kind of answered it already. In a different way, maybe so we're trying we try to like change it up a little.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

We don't, you know, we try to and maybe you wrote in or called in like six months ago and we haven't answered. Call in again.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Yeah. We have multiple people that will like we had one the other day that we almost did. I can't remember why we didn't, but they had sent the same, they sent it in June and then they sent it again in January. And I don't know why we didn't use it in June, but then in January, I was like, oh, we should use this.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Well, I think because they tend to come in in waves that sometimes like we'll pick one or two, and then the other, you know, ones will kind of get lost in the uh chaos, and then we forget to go back to them.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

So anyway, yeah, we could use your your questions. All right. So for this week's question, Lacey's actually going to read to you a text message that we got into the phone line.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Okay. It says older female here, plenty experience in the lifestyle. Never thought I'd have a difficulty communicating with a play partner until recently. I am not a fan of getting rails. I prefer more tender, sensual experience. Lately, most partners will start the pace. And if it isn't my style, I will verbally give recommendations, then reiterate in a more direct manner. If my partner is still isn't responding with what I want, I'll just be like on your back. LOL. Some men are very responsive to this. Others seem to be offended. Occasionally, I have been okay and I'm occasionally I've been like, okay, I'm done. Lacey, how do you communicate with your new play partners? Have you ever been to the point where you're like, I'm just done? Dan, how do you feel when the new partner is forthcoming as I am? And that's our question.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

That's actually a really good question.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

It's a very good question. And it's different. So I like that. You know, we keep getting, like we said, we keep getting a lot of the same. So I like that that it was a little bit different.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Okay. So how do you communicate? So I and I'm assuming. So in this scenario, it sounds like you're playing with a new partner.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Um, that maybe you haven't had sex before. Uh, and so when you're doing that, I think every person is different in the way they like to interact, and you know, how deep, how hard, how rough they like it. So, how do you communicate what you like to that partner?

SPEAKER_00 4:39

So, I actually have the opposite. I like, especially in a swinging environment, I actually like it to be rougher. I don't really want a whole lot of sensual stuff. I feel like that's more of like a you and me, even though we're not even big, we're not big sensual people, just like the two of us. But I feel like for me, I like that to be with you. Um, so I prefer a little bit rough, a little bit harder, that kind of like especially in a like a swinger play situation. So I've had where guys have been pretty easy with me. And even just this past weekend, I had a new play partner and I he had me bent over, and I literally just turned around and said, You don't have to be easy with me. You can be rough. And that's usually how I started. And for the most part, everyone kind of gets that. I mean, obviously, sometimes I like it a little, a little bit rougher, but then on the flip side, I've had guys that can be a little much, you know, a little too rough. So, I mean, I I get what she's saying. I am not a big stay with one type of guy girl either. I like to bounce around.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Like to sample all the meats.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Yeah, I do. So and I guess if you're doing, and that's that's kind of why I like group play for that very reason. If something's not going my way or not great, I'll endure it or kind of participate in it for so long. And then I'll just mosey on and find somebody else, you know, or find somebody that I know fucks me the way I like it. When you're in like a one-on-one or a, you know, a four-on-four situation, like two couples, that's different because you're kind of stuck with that person. Uh so I get that's a different scenario. But again, that's why we like group play. And that's kind of why this works for me. Cause I don't have to, it's like my pleasure and my enjoyment falls on me.

unknown 6:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

You know, like I kind of take ownership. If you're not, if we're not meshing well together, that's great. I still think you're a great human, but I'm just gonna like, we're gonna wrap this up and I'm gonna move along.

SPEAKER_01 6:40

Right. And but you also might do that just because you're trying to sample all the yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Some yeah, you could be like rocking my world, and I still will move on because I like variety as the spice of life, you know. I like to have a little of everybody. So that that's why we play, you know, one of the reasons we play the way that we do, and that kind of works. Um, I think as far as advice, I think she kind of nailed it. I mean, I think she's she did everything you're supposed to. You know, you politely asked, then was a little bit more direct, then you kind of just took charge. If if they're just not gonna listen to you, you kind of just have to like hop on top and do what you need to do. And then at that point, if it's just and then it's okay. Sometimes it's just not, it's not meant, you know, you're just not gonna mess with it.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

Some people just don't mess, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Yeah. And as far as like guys taking it personal, I don't really care. And that's one thing, you know, and this this topic has been on my mind. We just got home from Electric Pleasures. Um, and this was a conversation that I had quite a few times this weekend about like how do you like turn down people or you know, tell them you're not interested, or maybe in this case, say, you know, this our the way we like to fuck is not meshing. At the end of the day, I'm gonna prioritize my pleasure, my experience, my feelings. I don't want to hurt anybody else's feelings, but I'm not gonna have a bad time.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

Right. So you right, you're not gonna put yourself in an uncomfortable situation or give yourself a bad experience for the sake of somebody else having a good experience.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

Yeah, I'm always gonna be kind and respectful and I'm not gonna be mean, but if you don't like what I'm saying, that's a more probably like a you problem. And so if some if I am respectful and communicating my needs and what I need from this situation, as long as I do my part, I what you do with it is that's you. You know, I can't, I can't own your feelings. You know, if I'm if I say no, thank you, I don't want to play right now, and that hurts your feelings, I'm sorry. But I have the it's my body, and I care about me and my body and my feelings more than you.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

Right. And it's taken you a while to get to that.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

It has. It has, it's taken a long time, but it's kind of got I get this question a lot. Like, how do you turn down people? How do you tell people? Like, honestly, we have so many Tuesday talk questions now about that, like how to politely decline, or in this case, you know, how to politely tell somebody that this isn't working. And the truth is, you just treat people the way that you would like to be treated, and hopefully they have enough like emotional intelligence to understand that it's not personal, it's just you putting you first.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Yeah, and and I would assume, um, and uh, you know, from what I've experienced with women as well, is there's a lot of factors that go into that. I mean, it could be just how they're feeling that day. Uh, I would imagine dick size probably has a factor in how rough or how gentle you have to be with somebody.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

Um, I I think there's a lot of things that could go into I could have a bellyache, but I know that you want to be in there, and I want I don't want to take away from your experience. So I'm gonna be in there just for you, but that might mean that maybe I'm not, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 9:52

Or you gotta be a little gentler with you, or yeah, it could have nothing to do, or maybe you got dicked down real good the day before and you're you're a little sore today.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

Yeah, so I think that's like important to mention. Also, I wanted to see what because you I think that you have will have a very good opinion on this because you are very good about reading females and kind of like what they want, what they need, and you love it when a female tells you what they want.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Yeah, I think there is a line. So, you know, listening to her, so I've had I like, and again, we've talked about this, you know, probably a dozen times on this podcast, but I I do think that every person uh and every woman is there is a cheat code, right? There's there's certain you know uh buttons that they like to get pushed in a certain order that uh makes them achieve orgasm, right? And I think you know, definitely women are more complicated in that sense. I think guys, if you just apply friction and pressure to their dick for long enough, they're gonna come. Where women, I think there's some there's some mental stuff, there's some emotional stuff, they need to feel safe. Um, some women have super um sensitive clits, some women um don't, and they need a lot of sensation in their clit. Um, some women like penetrative sex, some women don't.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

So I mean there's some people like it rough, some people like it sensual, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Right. So I think there is a whole list of you know possibilities of what a woman could like. So I think them kind of giving you a cheat sheet to what their their combination is uh does help. Now, I at the same time, I will say I have been turned off by women telling me what to do.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

Well, I think that's because you tend to be a little bit more dominant, and even if you're not dominating a woman, you like to be like in charge. You like to be kind of in control of what to you get frustrated at me sometimes when we're having sex and I'm like, Can I get on top? Can I do this? Sometimes you're like, just let me fuck you.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Yeah, so well, I think it's the same, you know. So some women, it's like you barely get your dick inside of them, and they're like, fuck me harder, fuck me harder, do it harder, fuck me off. You know, it's like it's just too much, you know. I mean, and it's like and I if somebody wants to be fucked harder, I think it's okay to say that. Yeah, I don't think as soon as my dick penetrates your vagina half an inch, that's the time to start like bossing me around and tell me what to do. And and maybe that you're right that that is me, and that's some kind of internal thing that I have, you know, with toxic masculinity, or I don't know what to think, but it can be too much sometimes when women are, you know, and it's the same, like what you're saying. Sometimes I feel like we're having sex, and like I've gotten like I've been having sex with you for 30 seconds, and then you're like, all right, flip me over, turn me over, do this, do that, do this.

SPEAKER_00 12:35

Honestly, it's me just being excited and like wanting to do all the things, and you'll get frustrated, and I'm like Well, because I think in in our case, sometimes what I enjoy is not the same thing as what you enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

Yeah, or or some of what I enjoy more may not be what you enjoy more. So sometimes I'm like, well, can I get a little bit in here before you make me do all the work that you like? You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Uh but I think that's a more of a relationship thing.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

So in this case, though, if somebody's wanting more sensual, what if for you? I mean, obviously every guy's gonna be different, but what would be the best way to approach you as a male, would you think?

SPEAKER_01 13:09

No, I I think the subtle hints or or the the soft uh pushes like she's or like maybe like let's slow down or or take it easy with me, or you know, like or oh your dick's you know, your dick's too big, I can't take it. Take your time. You know, like I think there's ways to say it. Oh, geez. And and and definitely, you know, if you're causing pain, I think you need to communicate that, right? If somebody's hurting you, that definitely is something that you know it's more the like, I don't know, I just don't like being bossed around, and especially not like in the very first, you know what I mean? Like it's one thing if after a while, you know, if you're fucking for a bit and you're like, oh yeah, fuck the shit out of me. Like, okay. But like, damn, let me get my dick in there and get like settled before you start, like, you know.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

Yeah, I don't really think she's bossing from based on like what she said, I don't get the bossing around. Especially like if you're not in some people love to get like pounded hard. And if you're not into that, that can be kind of like jarring, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

Yeah, and I think there is a there's a line there, right? There's a there's a way to say fuck me hard and it be sexy.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

She's not saying fuck me hard, she's saying fuck me softer or whatever the case may be.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Yeah, you know what I mean. Either way, I think there's a way to I think there's some like tact in the way.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Maybe like baby slow down, let me enjoy it, or something, yeah, like nicer ways to to say it. Yeah. I also don't think there's anything wrong if like you know how you want it just to hop on top.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

No, I I don't think so either. And I think I there's not too many guys that are ever gonna say no to that. Um, but I don't know. I think there is some some tact in there. I mean, I think we've all been, if you've been around the lifestyle long enough, you've been in a room and seen somebody doing this bossy thing, and you're like, ugh, that's a little too much. You know what I mean? I think we've all kind of seen that and experienced that. Um, and it can be a little bit of a turn off. So I think there is a fine line.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

I am on her side. I'm like, fuck you and your feelings. If this is how what I need to get me off, and if if we're not, if this isn't working, then maybe we're not good play partners.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Yeah, but I do think there's some give and take.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

Maybe that's mean of me, though.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

But you know what I'm saying? I think there is some. I agree. It's great that you like this in a certain way, but what about what he likes? You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 15:20

So I think that's what I'm saying. Like if it does, if it doesn't mesh, that's okay. Yeah, maybe he needs to find somebody that's more like me that likes to be like railed, you know? And maybe she needs to find somebody that's like enjoys that sensual. And I think that's okay that like not everybody is gonna mesh with everybody. I guess that's my thing. No, I just think I think the key to it is it's sharing that information in a tactful way that that doesn't come across pushy or bossy or maybe even like before you get started, when you're doing your, you know, like we we recommend that before you start and you say, you know, your boundaries and what you like and what you don't like. And maybe that's something that if it's this important, obviously if she's writing into us, it's very important to her. So for like me, if that if I was her, maybe like we'll say, okay, please use condoms, no anal. I do not like to be jackhammered sex. I would prefer a little bit softer, a little bit slower, more sensual, if that's okay. So, like, if if it's this important, I think when you're going around and talking about what we're into, what we're not, maybe saying that. So you kind of let the guys know up front this is not something I'm into.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

Yeah, no, I I think that's a perfect way of doing it. Yeah. And I definitely think the if you need it softer or you know, if somebody's hurting you, or you know, and you need them to ease up, I think that is always completely okay to say. Yeah. And especially if it if what they're doing in that current time is causing discomfort, I think you need to communicate that immediately.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

Immediately, right.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

And so I I don't want to get misconstrued, but I also there is something about for some men, a woman just being bossy and saying, do this, do that, do this, do that, that can be a turnoff as well.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

Yeah. I think it girls can also get turned off by guys that are being bossy like that. Some girls are into it.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

I think some guys are probably into a girl bossing them around too. There are probably we are just giving our opinion on this. And you tend to, I tend to like being bossed around, and you tend to like bossing around.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

So just I don't even say I like bossing around. I just like to put you where I want you. You want to be in take what I need.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

Yes, you my pussy just did something when you said that.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Um I'm not gonna tell you what to do, I'm gonna put you in the place.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

Why is that so hot? Let's do it right now. Okay. We haven't had sex in a couple days, if you can't tell. Um, so yeah, I mean, I just think this is what works for us, but not every couple is going to agree with what we're saying, and that's okay because everybody's different. So I think communicating it up front, what you like, what you don't like, is probably the best way to go.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

No, I think that that is um definitely a good way to do it. And I think this all goes back to part of the reason why we like having sex with partners more than one time is because you know, the first time you might not know how they like it. Um, but then once you kind of build a little bit of a uh a relationship with somebody, you start to figure out, you know, there are certain couples I know where the females have so super sensitive clits, and I can't pound them. There are other couples we know that I know that that's what the girls want. They want they want it rough and hard. So uh once you, you know, once you know that, then you kind of have a little bit of a roadmap. And and I think the first time it's gonna take a little bit of communication uh to make sure that everybody has the best experience possible.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

I agree.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

All right. Uh, I think that's it. Anything else on uh uh how to communicate your your needs and wants and uh how hard you want to be dicked down in the bedroom?

SPEAKER_00 18:54

I think that's it.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

All right. Uh so we need two state talk questions, like we said at the beginning. Uh, there's a few different ways you can get a hold of us. You can email us at theswing nation at gmail.com. Uh and in that email you can also attach an audio file if you'd like to do it that way. Or you can call or text, and that phone number is 972-302-7716. One more time.

SPEAKER_00 19:20

972-302-7716.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

Uh, and you can either leave a voicemail or you can actually text us a question, or you can drop in a voice note and and send it via text um that way as well. Uh, but we certainly, you know, if you have some new questions, maybe something we haven't talked about, um, you know, if you I don't know, if you have questions about things other than swinging, uh, if you want to know about what eyeliner Lacey uses, I don't, or something.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

Well, honestly, we've talked about this a little, but when we kind of did Tuesday talk, it was sort of open format as like a ask me anything. Ask me anything, and it really has become almost like a helpline for swinging too. Like Dear Abby, yeah. Which we love, and I love, and everyone loves that. Like when we go and meet y'all, that's the number one question we get is we love Tuesday talks. So I love that it's became what y'all wanted it to. Uh, but yeah, I mean it's open format. Whatever you want to ask us, we're here, we'll help you. Um, of course, it's just you know two random people's opinions. We're not experts by any means, but we try to give you our advice and kind of what we would do. We all we do fuck up though. We're not perfect, so yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

All right. Well, I think that's it. Anything else for the Swing Nation listeners?

SPEAKER_00 20:33

I think that's it.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

All right, I think with that, in a world full of apples, be the pineapple. Be the pineapple, guys.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

Bye.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

Bye. If you've enjoyed our podcast and want to support us, leave a five-star review wherever you're listening. If you want to see more of our content, you can find links to Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, OnlyFans, and more in the show notes. Come join the conversation with us and other Twinger content creators on our Twinger Society Discord server. If you have questions or feedback, email them to us at theswing nation at gmail.com. Make sure you head on over to theswing nation.net and keep up to date on all things swing nation. We thank you so much for joining us and we'll see you next time. Goodbye.