Tuesday Talks: Cursed in the Lifestyle, When Nobody Can Get It Up

Tuesday Talks: Cursed in the Lifestyle, When Nobody Can Get It Up | Episode 96

In this episode of The Swing Nation Podcast, the top-rated podcast about non-monogamy and swinging, Dan and Lacy are back with another Tuesday Talks, answering real listener questions from inside the lifestyle.

This week, they hear from a listener who feels like she’s cursed. She entered the lifestyle excited and full of energy, but keeps running into the same frustrating problem — multiple potential partners struggling with performance issues. After enough awkward encounters, she’s convinced something must be wrong with her… or that she needs a priest to break the spell.

Dan and Lacy tackle the topic head-on, talking about just how common ED actually is in the lifestyle, the intense pressure many men feel in group or high-stakes situations, and why it usually has nothing to do with attraction. They also share practical advice on how to handle these moments with confidence, compassion, and communication so no one leaves feeling embarrassed or defeated.

Whether you’re dealing with similar frustrations or just curious about what really happens behind the scenes of lifestyle hookups, this episode is a reassuring, honest, and surprisingly relatable conversation about confidence, connection, and the realities no one talks about.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This podcast is intended for adult audiences over the age of 18. It contains adult language and situations. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to us, and not of any employer, organization, committee, or other group or individuals. This podcast is not intended to be taken as professional advice.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Welcome to the Swing Nation Podcast, a podcast by swingers for swingers, where we look to educate others and push back on the negative stigmas and misconceptions associated with our lifestyle. Come with us and share our pineapple journey as we travel the globe, interview the experts, learn and grow together. Join the nation. And we are back with another rendition of Tuesday The Hawks.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Everybody's been calling me Wacy.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

With Dan and Wacy. Dan and Wacy.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Like people call in person, people were calling us that and calling me that. And then somebody came in my TikTok live today and called me that.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Because she loves being called Wacey.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

It's my favorite thing ever.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

She doesn't like it, but it's fun to mess with her.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Welcome to the first episode in our newly renovated studio. So if you're watching on YouTube, you can see this. If not, then you can just hear us. You can go look at it on YouTube if you're like listening while you're driving in the car. Not while you're driving, but you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

So what do you think? We were new and improved. We got three different camera angles. It's cutting between us when we talk.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

It's gonna take us a few episodes to kind of get this dialed in. So if it's not perfect, calm down. Yeah, give us some grace. We actually have a sign coming in. Like we've gotta, you know, we gotta tweak it. We've gotta look at it. And y'all know our schedule's crazy. So it's um we were kind of doing this on the fly today.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah. Well, we got motivated though. We just did a um your wifey episode. Yeah. Just released.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Yeah, and our renovations were always kind of be around that. We kind of that was like our um, I don't know, like our goal day. So we kind of knew that was coming out and it would put a lot of eyes on us. So that was our goal.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Right. So we set the goal. And I think we'll we recorded that back in what, like November or something?

SPEAKER_01 2:18

October.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

October, yeah. So once we went to their studio, we're like, we need to step up our game.

SPEAKER_01 2:23

Yeah. Which I mean, I was very proud of the studio, like how we had it set up, but I just felt like we needed some new chairs. We just we needed to step it up a little. So we needed a better, some better cameras. So better cameras.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Good motivator, better cameras, better lights, better furniture. Yeah, we but we gotta it's gonna take us a minute, I think, to dial it in perfectly.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Yeah, there's still some adjustments that we need to make.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Right.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

But it is Monday, and this episode comes out tomorrow, so we we just we gotta do what we gotta do.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

I was stressing a little bit um trying to put all this together because I've never done this multi-camera angle thing. So there's new software and stuff involved.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Yeah, so if you're just listening to us and you don't really care where we're sitting or what we look like, thank you for being here and listening to us rant.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

All right, so let's go. This week's episode or this week's question is coming from text messages, and that's because the phone was dead.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

So I'm using the iPad.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

So instead of waiting for the phone to charge to get audio, at Lacey's like, I'm just gonna pull up the iPad. I can look at the text.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

It's 7 45 at night. We haven't had dinner.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Where?

SPEAKER_01 3:24

You know, we are doing what we are we gotta do. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

So let's listen to this week's question.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

Hey, it's a long one, so but it's worth listening to. She she does a very good job of explaining it. It says, Hey, swing nation. I'm texting instead of calling because my accent would absolutely give me away, and I don't want any past partners to feel awkward or bad. This is not a roast. This is a slightly unhinged cry for help. My husband and I are newest to the lifestyle, and I'm starting to think I have what could only be described as the swinger curse. For context, I came into this very excited, like new adventure, hot experiences, living my best life excited. I've even had vanilla partners who would provide references, like a Yelp page, five stars, great vibes, would recommend excellent service. So imagine my confusion when everyone else is having the time in their lives, and I'm over here like, is it me? Am I haunted? Our first event was a secrets takeover with you guys. We met two couples and thought, group play, let's rip this band-aid off. For my husband, amazing. For me, a Netflix true crime episode. Everyone starts off hot, everything starts off hot, making out chemistry, great energy. Then we got into the playroom and jumped right in. One of the guys starts going down on me, and honestly, he's doing a good job, but he's having ED issues and just will not move. My husband and the other guy are trying to what's this word? They're trying to rescue me, and I'm stuck in quicksand because while I love oral, I also enjoy options. Another guy comes over and I start helping him out, and the guy between my legs is still just committed to the assignment. By the time it's over and the other four people had a great time, I was the only one who didn't. So I very politely pat him on the head and say, Hey, thank you so much. But I think everyone is ready to leave the playroom. And now that was attempt number one. Attempt number two, another event. Everything is hot again, and the guy's clearly into me. We're dancing, flirting, the energy is there. But once we get into the bedroom, my husband has an amazing time with his wife, and the only thing this guy does with me is finger me. I think he was embarrassed by his ED. He kept saying he had solutions, tried everything, and once again, failure to launch. At this point, I'm like, okay, maybe it's just group settings. So we try at home with an MFM. This man has an incredible body, amazing chemistry, and total confidence until my until my husband walked into the room and poof, gone. At this point, I'm convinced I'm cursed. Like the sage, the house, call a priest, light a candle cursed. Now we're getting ready to go on the bliss cruise, and I need to break this curse before we board. Here's the part that really messes with my head. I genuinely care about the relationships and the lifestyle. So after a few days, I follow up with all three men, and they're all incredibly kind and reassuring. Every single one told me that it wasn't me, that physically I'm amazing, and that this is just performance anxiety. And while I truly appreciate the words of affirmation, it somehow leaves me even more confused. So my question is, is this normal when you're new? Is performance anxiety really this common? Or do I need to start wearing a warning label? Because I came into this confident, excited, and ready, and somehow I'm the only one not having an amazing time. My husband is loving the journey, and I'm over here like, wow, must be nice. Help a girl out.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

That was a great story. One, I I like her writing style.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

She is excellent. Um, but two, um well, first of all, she sent a picture, so I know who it is. Um, and we have a group chat with her. Um, so shout out. Um, hey, hey girl, hey. Um, but yeah, so I very well written. Loved that she gave us like the backstory and some more information. I will say that yes, ED and performance anxiety is that common, especially.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

I think it's way more prevalent in the lifestyle than people realize. Yeah. And I think it's actually it's very prevalent with people I think that are new to the lifestyle. For sure. And I and I think it's prevalent because they haven't realized yet, you know, you come into this lifestyle, you know, you you fucking your wife, you maybe you had some sex with girls in college or high school or whatever, and you're like, I got this, I'm a stud. It sounds so hot to fuck all these girls, and and I've never had any issues with this. So you come in full of confidence. And what you don't realize is having sex in college or having sex in high school or having sex one-on-one with your partner is way different than having sex with people you don't know in public places, yeah. Or even just the anxiety of, oh, I'm gonna go over these people's house and fuck this wife real good. You know what I mean? Like and I'm somebody that's been doing this for almost 10 years now, and and it's an issue. And you I think the older I've gotten it, the more and more of an issue it becomes for me. You know, um, I when I first started off in the lifestyle as a single male, I was bull, I was a bull. I didn't use Viagra, I didn't use Cialis, I just would show up to random people's house and have sex with their wife. And you know, I'm not gonna say I never struggled, but um, it wasn't never really much of an issue for me to the point where I thought I needed to do something about it. Um, but us being in this lifestyle now in our 40s and um engaging with lots of couples, I would say almost every time we have uh an orgy or a group sex type situation, at least one person, if not a couple people in that situation are struggling with D D every single time.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Yeah, and I want to go like I want to talk a little bit about some of the things that had happened and kind of tell her what I would have done for it, because I'm gonna be honest with you, girl, it happens to me all the time. Like almost every single orgy, somebody can't get hard. I also think there's like, and this might sound a little um, what's the word? I don't want to come across as bragging or anything, but because we do have such a large platform, I think guys you give people extra anxiety.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

I agree with that. Oh, I'm about to have sex with Lacey from the Swing Nation, and if I don't do a good job, she's gonna talk shit about me on the podcast. Yeah, so that's gotta get in people's head a little bit soon.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

Yeah, so I think I I even haven't added to that. And so there's been times where I'm like, what the fuck? So I've learned to take my own pleasure into my own hands, to be honest with you. So for the attempt number one, where the guy just went down on you the whole time, I would have given him like five minutes, maybe 10. And then I would have been like how you politely patted him on his head, I would have done that. And you don't have you, you did a very good job at the end, but I would have been like, hey, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna go get a sip of water. I'm going I need to go pee real quick. I need to go pee. You don't have to to tell him it's him, you know. Uh I'm gonna go see my husband. I'm gonna, you know, you because he knows it's him, you know. You don't need to say it. Sometimes they know, you know. Um, and and honestly, a lot of times if a guy can't get hard, that's his wife's problem.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

That's his wife's problem.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Well, and you'll even refer him back to his wife, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:35

Hey babe, let's get your wife over here and see if she can help you.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Because if Dan's struggling, I'm not gonna rely on that woman to get him hard. If I see that my husband is having a hard time, even if I'm getting my world rocked, I'm going to remove myself and go and help him. Because I'm his wife, I'm his partner, I know all the cheat codes to get that dick hard. And so I kind of just that that's I'd also say that's it's a little bit good etiquette, right?

SPEAKER_00 11:02

Because listen, if you're swapping, especially on like a two-on-two type situation, right? A full swap type situation, if you're swapping with a couple and your husband can't get hard, or and or your wife clearly is not getting fucked by a guy that can't get hard, it's almost a little rude to just like the two of you go to pound town and just ignore the other couple that is clearly struggling. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Yeah, and it sounded like her husband was her husband was trying to help her, but it that wife should have came and helped. That's more of like a wife thing, especially like with Edie and stuff like that. So yeah, first attempt, I would have given him, you know, I'd give him an old college try, you know, let him try and see. Because honestly, sometimes if Dan stick won't get hard. If he goes down on a woman and kind of not thinks about it, that will bring it back up. Same with attempt number two. Um, the guy was clearly into you and he just wouldn't work. I mean, honestly, I'm gonna give you five, 10 minutes, and then after that, I'm gonna go join my husband and the wife. I mean, I just am, you know, I'm gonna take my own pleasure into my own hand. If there's a want, sometimes I don't even mind that I'm not getting fucked. If there's a wand, I'll go or I'll go and sit on your face, like Dan's face while he's fucking the girl. I'll just, you know, like, and I and I don't mean that to be rude, but like I'm here to, you know, I I want you to have this guy to have a good time, and I'm here to help. But at some point, it's beyond me, you know. Um, and then her third, uh, where it was the MFM and they brought the the single, it looks like a single guy into their house, and then the husband walked in and pooped. Yeah, that that also happens. In that case, there's really not a whole lot you could have done. Um that happens. We we've played with single guys, and the guy just could not get hard. Dan's even like walked out of the room to try to like kind of give that guy a few. Yeah. What ended up happening is it to get the guy up, Dan ended up just like joining us. And because it was supposed to be kind of like me and the guy, and Dan ended up joining us and like going down on me, and the guy kind of watched Dan and I for a few minutes, and that kind of um that kind of got him excited.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

I think once the pressure, all the pressure was off of him, you know what I mean? Yeah, then it was able to work, and that's that's how it is for me. Like, if you are if my dick cannot get hard, and then what naturally happens is everybody tries to help, right? I've even had two or three girls come over, right? And they're one's kissing me and two are sucking my on my dick, and but in my head, it's like everybody like Dan, you better get hard. Everybody's watching you, like, you know what I mean? So you're kind of it almost like doubles down on the um the performance, the anxiety part of the performance anxiety. Yeah, um, and so it's never gonna get hard in that case. What I like is when people stop paying attention to me, and really, like what you're saying, like if the girls go and start having an orgy with the other guys that are there and you kind of like sit and watch and enjoy it, and that people aren't like there's no pressure on me to perform. Well, often then that's when I'll get hard again. Yeah. Um, and like you said, a lot of what time times what I'll do is like start pleasuring a woman orally or something like that. And because the focus isn't on my dick, I'm not even really thinking about my dick. I'm just thinking about like, oh, this girl is coming in my mouth. How fucking hot is that? Um, then that'll work. But I I really think for me, removing myself, removing myself from the center of attention is usually what helps me.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

Yeah. And so because of that, I know I I kind of remove the guys from the center of attention. You know, I I give them, you know, a little bit of time to try and see if it works. But I'm I'm not gonna suck a soft dick for 30 minutes. I'm not gonna, you know, I'm just not. I I and maybe that's bitchy. I don't know. But I just feel like after so long, find your wife, figure out what's going on. You come back to me if it works, if it doesn't, that's okay. We can still be friends and we can still do other things. I've I've played with plenty of guys that couldn't get hard, and we've done, you know, like they fingered me, they made me squirt, they went down on me. I mean, obviously they change it up. This guy seemed to stay down there the whole time. But I've ended up having just an amazing experience without their actual dick. And so that would be my um my advice to men if if this happens to you, because it it happens to a lot, is you can still have a good time without your penis, you know. As far as you, do I think you're a cursed? No. I think it's just you've had an unfortunate a series of unfortunate events. Yeah. Um, you know, I think maybe staying away from playrooms, maybe getting several couples and going to a room. And honestly, that's why I like several couples in a playroom, and not in a playroom, like in a like like a secrets room or a hotel room. Because let's say there's three couples. If two of the guys' dicks work, probably one or not, and so you just kind of interchange out. Um, that would be some advice. Also, um, maybe finding people that have been in the lifestyle for quite a while, that they have kind of conquered a lot of the fears that are, and I bet if you're newer, you're probably attracting newer couples. Um but finding people that maybe are on Viagra Stialis or maybe even have trimex, which I do happen to know a guy who is um and she all she also said that her fuck it list was uncircumcised penis. So I do know a guy who can get hard, who takes trimex and has an uncircumcised penis. Just saying.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

You know a guy.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

I do know a guy. Good. Um it's like Yelp review. I can give Dan a good road. So yeah, I do I I think you're on the right track, and I think that it's good that you care about these relationships, and I think it's just gonna take some time, and you're probably now in your head, and that's probably not helping the situation either. So I I think on bliss we can we can remedy the situation.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Yeah, and I I think it's all those things. One, it's not her, it's a hundred percent not her. And I do think realistically, Edie in the lifestyle is more prominent than most people realize. So I it's not surprising to me that she's tried three times and experienced it three times.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

You know, I think if your husband was struggling with it, you would probably be um a little bit more sensitive. Not that she's not sensitive to it, but like I can get where she's coming from because there's been many a time I've been sitting over there twiddling my thumb and you are dicking down a girl, you know, and you are just going to town and having the best time, and I'm over there like, save me. You know, so I can I can totally relate to her. She's very and that's a good thing that her husband is not struggling, but it happens to a lot of guys.

SPEAKER_00 17:49

Yeah, sure, certainly does. So um, yeah, my advice would be it's not abnormal. Um, it's more normal than you think. Um, welcome to the lifestyle. Um, but yeah, and I you know it goes back to this is why ED medication is such a prominent thing. And you know, if it I would suggest to any guy to try ED medication. And if you try ED medication and you're still struggling with performance anxiety, then you know taking that next step to Tri-Mix is is not a bad thing. And that's you know, we've talked about that a little bit on this podcast where I've recently started to use Tri-Mix a little bit in certain situations. And I'll tell you what, that stuff works. Yeah, it's not something to mess around with. Don't be getting all drunk and crazy and then try taking it, right? It's it's a very serious drug that can cause very serious side effects. But if you are somebody that has been trying to use other medications for a while now and have not had any success with them, and you want to enjoy the space, I think Trimax is a great option for those types of people. And uh it definitely it's like Viagra on steroids, so it definitely works. So yeah, that would be my advice. And uh, yeah, get to know some people, get to know people that have been in the lifestyle, you know, maybe find an experienced couple that's been doing this for a while. Um, I'm telling you, you're gonna have a good experience eventually. It just takes a while to find your your tribe, so to speak.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

And honestly, it took us years to find like a core group of friends that you know that and even now, even after all these years, there's still some of them that struggle.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

You know, like I said, like there's been times where I've struggled, and usually, you know, nine out of ten times I'm good to go. And that one out of ten times it doesn't happen. And I've even had girls be like, Oh, is it me? You know, oh you know, I must have done something wrong. And it's like, no, I promise you, you did not do anything wrong.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

It could just be that we're in a playroom and there's a bunch of people watching us, and for that that night, that reason just like had a little too much to drink or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

You know, there's a million reasons why um those kind of things can't happen. But um, the reason is not you.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Yeah, I agree. But excited to go on the cruise.

SPEAKER_00 19:46

Yeah, we'll see you on the cruise. I have a feeling you're gonna have a good time. Yeah, all right. Anything else on not being cursed in the lifestyle? No. And experiencing ED. It's something I think if you're in this lifestyle for more than a week, you're gonna either experience it yourself or experience it with somebody else. Um, it's it's very, it's very common. Yeah, and it happens, and it's just part of it's part of this. But I promise you, um it's not you, and you're going to have a good experience eventually.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Yeah, you will. Um, so that that's it for that. Uh, the only thing I can think of is we do have an event coming up in March. Electric Pleasures, our Atlanta um takeover. We still do have a couple of rooms left for that.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

Almost sold out. The host hotel room is almost sold out. So if you want to come party with us in March in Atlanta, go to swingersociety.net, get your tickets before the room sells out. Um, people keep every time. Last electric pleasures, we had people messaging us the week of saying, Hey, can you get us a room? It's like, no, I can't. Yeah, I can't kick somebody out of their room to put you in a room. So go book it now.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

For sure. And then um after that, which we have secrets, it's been sold out for months. But uh the Bliss Cruise, we're about to go on the February Bliss Cruise. But if you are, you know, we've been talking, it's been like a topic of conversation lately. So if this, if you are like, I need to figure out what this Bliss Cruise this, I want to go on a swingers cruise. There is uh one in April that still has rooms available, which is pretty uncommon. And even the November one is about to sell out, and they have the two beach parties for April. So I'm pretty excited about that. And we have a smaller group going, so that's kind of fun too. So if that's something that you're interested in, you can go to swingersciety.net and of course any of our other events, we're going to the sanctuary and Utah in May, Naughty and New Orleans. We'll take we've got a HETO trip coming up. All the things that we do, you can check out swingersociety.net for all of those.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

And if you have a Tuesday talk question, we would love to hear from you. A few different ways you can get a hold of us, you can email us at theswing nation at gmail.com, th swingation. At gmail.com, or you can call or text, and that phone number is 972-302-7716. One more time.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

972-302-7716.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Okay. Well, I think that sums up this episode. Uh look forward to seeing you guys again soon at the next um electric pleasures or swinger society party. Excited for Bliss Cruise next week. We've been nonstop. Uh, if you've been following us on socials, it's been one event after another after another. So I'm excited to get on the ship and kind of chill for a few days.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

Four.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Four days. It's not very long. Chill slash have naughty sexy fun.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

Yeah. With hard dicks.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

All right. Well, I think with that, in a world full of apples, be the pineapple. Be the pineapple, guys. Bye. Bye. If you've enjoyed our podcast and want to support us, leave a five-star review wherever you're listening. If you want to see more of our content, you can find links to Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, OnlyFans, and more in the show notes. Come join the conversation with us and other Swinger content creators on our Swinger Society Discord server. If you have questions or feedback, email them to us at theswingnation at gmail.com. Make sure you head on over to theswingation.net and keep up to date on all things Swing Nation. We thank you so much for joining us and we'll see you next time. Goodbye.