Quiet time for kids: Why you need it and how to start

Even when young children drop their last nap, research shows it’s still important for their brain to have downtime and to rest.

But how on Earth do you get a young child to stay in their room if they’re not napping? Listen to this episode to learn how you can get started, no matter how old your child is.

Links: 

Transcript/show notes at www.theotbutterfly.com/36

instagram: @TheOTButterfly www.instagram.com/theotbutterfly

email: LauraPetix@TheOTButterfly.com

work with me: www.theotbutterfly.com/parentconsult

Research: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1745691612447308

Research: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mental-downtime/ 

Hatch light: https://amzn.to/3an60Rf 

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Episode transcript: https://www.theotbutterfly.com/podcast

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Work with Laura: https://www.theotbutterfly.com/parentconsult

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Transcript

16:07:12 Hello, everyone, welcome back to the podcast today. we are talking about quiet time something that I hold near and dear to my heart, and I don't think I will ever be getting rid of some form of quiet time in this house. No matter.
16:07:30 How old my daughter gets. so if you don't know I have a 4 and a half.
16:07:37 She will be 5 next month. I guess she's more than 4 and a half.
16:07:39 Now she is almost 5, and she dropped her nap over a year ago.
16:07:45 At this point, maybe close to 2 years Up until the time she dropped her nap she was a consistent one to 3 P. M.
16:07:57 Napper, and I remember being actually like towards the end of the time when she nipped.
16:08:07 I was pretty relieved when she dropped her nap because she started to get really cranky after her naps like you know how before this point, when they're babies they get cranky when they don't
16:08:20 nap like there came to a point towards the end of her nap days when she would wake up consistently.
16:08:27 Frankie when she would wake up from her naps, and I also didn't like waking her up early. but if I left, if I let her sleep to long then she would just be like groggy and crinky and disoriented
16:08:39 and the rest of the afternoon, and then before bedtime it was this very special version of health, and I don't wish upon any parent.
16:08:46 I'm sure many of you know what i'm talking about I don't know what when it switches from being cranky from not enough sleep to them being grinky crinky from sleep, but that is when we sort
16:08:58 of transitioned from nap time to quiet time would say there was no more than a month where we didn't have a nap, and she was like kind of just frolicking out in her in our house.
16:09:10 But then I quickly realized this meant I had an added 2 h on the clock as caregiver, and that was not fun.
16:09:21 So
16:09:55 Not fun so! and that was not fun.
16:10:03 And that was not,
16:10:21 So before the no napping days, and hanging out all day with Mom Days, became a habit which was in the thick of the pandemic, when I was already counting the second until bedtime.
16:10:33 As it was, I decided needed to quickly implement a quiet time routine to take place.
16:10:41 Of that midday time. So i'm gonna share with you in this episode, what our quiet time routine looks like at home, and then some steps for you to implement quiet time in your house.
16:10:54 If you don't have this already. but first I want to talk to you about some basic reasons why your child and you might benefit from this.
16:11:03 You might be saying like, Why? you know if they don't need the nap? if they're not sleepy enough to nap, why do we still need quiet time?
16:11:11 My first reason is alone Time don't think I need to say anything more than that. when my daughter's in her room for quiet time, I get my own rest.
16:11:21 Time I can take a bath, take a nap scroll mindlessly on Tiktok, or get some work down around the house, and when I get a loan time to myself in the day, I am a much better parent, and wife,
16:11:36 so everybody wins when Mom gets a long time and even if you have multiple kids, maybe you have an infant who you wouldn't totally get alone time, because your infant would be awake during quiet time.
16:11:48 But I bet it's much easier to only take care of one child at a time.
16:11:55 If your other one is in quiet time, then you can focus on the infant.
16:12:00 The other reason why is that it really does help you regulate it's good time for your nervous system to regulate.
16:12:06 So whether you have a child who's a sensory seeker or a sensory, sensitive child, or even a neurotypical child, Midday rest can just be so helpful for helping curb that afternoon, wild chaotic
16:12:21 dysregulation time that usually happens when there's no rest time.
16:12:25 So this is especially true. If you have a child who attends some sort of morning preschool program or school, or if you go on like a play, date, or play activities, or go to the park in the morning, just having that rest time in the
16:12:37 middle of the day is very helpful for regulation. but there are some scientific benefits of quiet temperature kids.
16:12:45 I'm going to quote some articles and link them in the show notes. So they said that downtime is an operator for the brain to make sense of what it has recently learned to surface fundamental unresolved
16:12:58 tensions in our lives, and to swivel its powers of reflection away from the external world toward itself.
16:13:06 While mind wandering we well, so they're talking about how you mind, wander like during this quiet time when you're alone, your mind kind of starts to wander or daydream.
16:13:15 So, while mind wandering, we replay conversations. we had earlier that day, rewriting our verbal blenders as a way of learning to avoid them in the future.
16:13:23 So this study in its article was quoting a lot about what daydreaming and mind wandering is like for adults.
16:13:30 But of course, as children, the same can happen I hear my daughter, replace scenes or conflicts that we had in the house or at school, or even things she sees in a movie.
16:13:40 But she's processing things that happened and the way that she responded in the way that other people responded and it's really great for her to have that uninterrupted time and way for her brain to process things and
16:13:53 They also said that downtime is, in fact, essential to mental processes that affirm our identities and develop our understanding of human behavior.
16:14:04 So that is the science behind. Why quiet time and rest time can be beneficial?
16:14:09 Again. i'm gonna link those 2 articles in the show notes but I can vouch for this.
16:14:15 I see her mind wander at this time, but, like she scripts it out loud.
16:14:21 She talks about things she has so many creative ideas in this space. it's a really great time for kids to explore their own minds.
16:14:31 So now let's talk about what our quiet time routine looks like in this house.
16:14:34 So every house is going to have their own rules and routines for quiet time, with different siblings, different schedules, different resources, all of that.
16:14:42 But here is what ours looks like in our house so her hatchlight.
16:14:47 I'm gonna link that in the show notes the hatchlight is a programmed light timer in her room.
16:14:53 It turns red at 1245, but I don't always have her in her room.
16:14:59 By then, but I like to have it start at 1245, in case.
16:15:02 Sometimes I do start quiet time earlier on really hard days I put her in there 15 min earlier. but typically I try to have her in her room at one o'clock may always remind her what we're doing like right before if we're having lunch
16:15:19 or if we're coming home from the park I will remind her when we get home, we're going to wash hands, and then you'll have 10 min to read a book if you want and then it's going to be time
16:15:24 for room, time, or quiet time. We kind of use them both interchangeably. so I give her a lot of preparation.
16:15:33 This point, aside from that like one month of limbo when she wasn't napping, she doesn't really know a life without some some days of her having like in her room, she doesn't know life without having room time or
16:15:46 quiet time, so if we are home, she always has some quiet time.
16:15:52 Between the hours of one and 3 if we're out of the house like we're like we went out to the lunch, or we went out, you know, when we're at Disneyland I don't make it a point to come
16:16:00 home or to like stop and rest during that time that we're past those days.
16:16:05 But if we are home, make a point of having her do all quiet time.
16:16:11 So for our light system, I mentioned it a little bit.
16:16:13 I love the hatch again linked in the show notes.
16:16:17 Because you can program it automatically. It can change through your phone and through a certain time you can choose whatever colors you want.
16:16:25 So I chose just the classic stop light color. So for us red means bed.
16:16:31 So this means that she has to be in her bed during the time that the light is red in her bed.
16:16:36 She doesn't have to sleep, she doesn't have to close her eyes.
16:16:39 She can sing, she can talk, she can play with her lovies.
16:16:44 But she has to stay in bed. I typically like her, at least laying down in bed.
16:16:48 But sometimes she will like stand and sing in bed. Sometimes she will sit.
16:16:54 But my general rule is, she has to be in bed most of the time. She ends up laying under the covers, and like talking and playing with her lovies and her stuffed animals, and sometimes she will fall asleep at this
16:17:08 time. but it's very rare so this first period of rest this red time on her timer lasts for an hour.
16:17:17 So then that's from one to 2 then at 2 o'clock her light turns yellow when it's yellow. she is allowed to get out of her bed and play in her room. so she still can't leave her room.
16:17:29 I'm, but she can play anything she wants it in her room Then at 3 o'clock her light turns green and she is able to come out of her room, so she's in her room for quiet time.
16:17:43 Around one to 3 pm so now here's the kind of the expectations and the rules, and how I explain it to her, unless it's an emergency like which involves blood or she has to throw up or like something's
16:17:59 not feeling right then, if unless it's any of those things and she's expected to stay in her room.
16:18:04 I don't lock her room. I do close the door most of the time.
16:18:08 Sometimes I leave the door open, but she is such a rule follower that she literally just like, has this barrier around her room, and she really just stays in there.
16:18:17 Sometimes she will come out randomly, especially if she hears me on a phone call, which is when I schedule most of my one-on-one calls, but she will always find her way to my office and like tell tell me the most
16:18:27 riveting fact about giraffes or or like something that happened at school, or sometimes she'll ask me a question about like what's for dinner.
16:18:37 But I quickly redirect her back to her room, and she knows that she needs to stay in her room.
16:18:42 She also has a little potty seat in her room that she uses.
16:18:49 It has like towels underneath it, if their role was a spell.
16:18:51 But she never stood. but she has a portable potty in there, and toilet paper, so she can use her potty in there.
16:18:58 She only goes P. and that she does not go Number 2.
16:19:02 She has to go Number 2. She goes to the other bathroom.
16:19:06 I help her. She needs help wiping so all of those things.
16:19:08 But, generally speaking, she knows the expectation is that she is in her room from one to 3.
16:19:15 The other consistent thing during our quiet time in our house is that there are no screens in her room at that time.
16:19:23 So my rule is there's no Tv she doesn't even have a Tv in her room.
16:19:26 But I wouldn't substitute Tv time for this quiet time and she doesn't she doesn't use ipad at this time the only electronics that she has the access to in this time are like some of her battery
16:19:37 operated toys, which is like a small keyboard piano that sometimes plays music, and she has like a doll house that has buttons that make the dolls talk.
16:19:49 But the reason why I limit Tv or ipad time at this time is because I love using Tv or ipad time as an extra tool, and she's already in her room.
16:20:02 And I already have my own space alone i'm not going to waste precious screen time minutes in that time frame. so I use it when she's out of her room.
16:20:10 So it's extra bonus time for me basically so a lot of times she will have quiet time in her room from one to 3, and then she comes out at 3.
16:20:18 And then from 3 to 3 30. I give her Tv or screen time, or like ipad time.
16:20:23 So I just get extra time to myself, so I am not wasting that time.
16:20:29 During the quiet time. Then that's one big tip that I give for you, in addition to the fact that it's not really as restful.
16:20:37 And there's not really as much time for creativity and mind wandering.
16:20:40 If you are using screens in that time, Ok. so all of that said, it goes without saying that this whole process going to be easier overall if you do it as close to the time that they drop naps as possible.
16:20:56 So when they're already used to like the routine of being in their room during a certain period of time, so from the moment they stop napping instead of just having them legs stay with you the rest of the day, try to make
16:21:06 the transition to quiet time in the room versus napping in the room.
16:21:10 Of course there's probably going to be some limbo period where you're not really sure if they like officially drop nap, or if it's just like a rough week, but which is kind of what happened to us for a month,
16:21:20 once it hit a month straight of no apps I was like Okay. she definitely just dropped the nap.
16:21:24 Let's go back to quiet time, but try to keep that as close as possible.
16:21:29 So then I know that some of you though that are listening to this right now might have already way past that time, and might still want to go back and find ways to implement quiet time.
16:21:44 And it's not too late. it's not too late to start don't worry.
16:21:46 Here is how I coach my one-on-one clients on how to start and implement quiet time.
16:21:54 So the first thing you're going, to do is decide on which external supports you're going to use to help your child understand the concept of time.
16:22:07 So, even if you have the smartest intelligent child who understands an analog clock or just a clock in general, it's not going to be as helpful, especially in this transitional time.
16:22:22 Unless you have some sort of extra visual support so I recommend using a colored light like I have you don't have to use the hatch.
16:22:30 There's a ton of different ones that you can find but a color light helps them.
16:22:37 No. when it's it adds like an extra visual cue of reminding them what the boundary is. You don't have to do 3 colors.
16:22:46 You could stick to a simple as red light in green light.
16:22:49 My recommendation, though, is, if you are going to be doing a long time, like I consider an hour or more long time like for us.
16:22:56 It's 2 h. They do need some sort of has money mark to know otherwise.
16:22:59 They kind of just feel antsy the whole time, waiting for it to turn red or waiting for it to turn green.
16:23:04 So I added yellow. I started at first just red and green, and then she kept asking, When is it almost over? When is it over?
16:23:10 When is it over so the yellow light really gives them some indication that it's like Oh, now we're the halfway mark, or it's almost going to turn green, so I use red yellow and green for that if you're
16:23:25 just starting, and you're starting for like 5 min of practice I would just do.
16:23:29 You could still do the red, yellow, and green, or you could just do red and green.
16:23:33 You could also use a visual timer you don't have to use this, but I think in addition to the colored light system.
16:23:40 I might also just give them an extra indication of how how time is passing.
16:23:46 A lot of the kids at first will just stare at the light and wait for it to change colors, especially if they don't know what to do with themselves.
16:23:51 In this period alone, so a visual timer might help as well.
16:23:56 Visual timers include like sand timers I think sand timers. I don't know the longest one they have available.
16:24:03 I think they have one that's an hour long I don't think they have anything that's a two-hour Sand Timer.
16:24:09 But I really like the timer, which is, when you see that red disk get smaller and smaller as time passes, and it's kind of in the same shape as a clock.
16:24:18 So the visual timer is a good one to add the other thing that's really, really helpful.
16:24:23 If you're having a child, have a hard time understanding the concept of like red means like rest.
16:24:29 Yellow means play green into you can leave the room if they're having a hard time tying those that like those announcements.
16:24:36 What is that? What am I trying to think of the symbolic, the symbolism of colored, and what that means for what their body should be doing in that time?
16:24:46 Then you could also add visual pictures. of what it's what's expected. kind of like you would have visual pictures for a routine for brushing their teeth.
16:24:52 You could have the same visual pictures for the sequence of quiet time.
16:24:55 So, for example, you could put a visual printout of a red light with a next to a picture of your child laying down in their bed and put that in their room.
16:25:06 Then you can also put underneath that you could put a picture of the yellow light next to a picture of your child, like building Legos, or reading a book in their room.
16:25:16 And then under that, put a picture of the green light next to a picture of your child, like walking out of their room door, or like giving you a hug, or something like that.
16:25:25 Just note that visual supports are gold. Even if your child has the cognitive ability to remember or to speak or to know.
16:25:33 Visual supports are just are always a good idea especially when you're learning a new routine.
16:25:40 My next tip is that you should introduce this idea to them at a neutral time.
16:25:48 If you have a younger child, this might not be something that you can do.
16:25:52 But if you chat if you have a child who's old enough to understand the language behind this, then I would give them a preview what's coming up, maybe a few days or a few weeks before maybe as you're like
16:26:02 gathering these the hatchlight or the the visual pictures that you're getting all of these things ready. Have a conversation with them, and lets them know that you're going to start quiet time on Sunday.
16:26:13 You're gonna have your first day of quiet time call it whatever you want. If they don't like the idea of quiet time, you can call it room time.
16:26:18 You can call it rest time, whatever you want to call it it.
16:26:21 But let them know that something a new routine is going to be starting, and a allow them the opportunity to process that, and to ask you any questions that they may have.
16:26:33 My next tip is to practice the concept of red, light, yellow, light, green light.
16:26:43 So I mentioned earlier, using visual support, which is great, but you also want to practice the actual motions of what they're what they are going to do in their room when they see those things.
16:26:52 So whether you do this with your voice like verbally, or if you already have that hatchlight system that you could change manually with your phone, play this stop light game.
16:27:04 So go into the room, and you either call out red light, or you like, Push the button on your phone to turn the light red, and then they have to like quickly infest like quickly, like run over to their bed and like lay down and Then you call
16:27:16 out green light, and then they might run to the door, or you pushed the button for the light to turn green.
16:27:22 Then you call yellow light, and that means they might have to like.
16:27:25 Go grab a book from the shelf, and then, like, Sit down, and you can do this.
16:27:27 As fast as you want, like speed lightning route it's really funny for them to like.
16:27:32 Jump back and forth between bed and the door. then getting a book.
16:27:36 You can play with it, however you want, but the idea is to get them to actually move through the difference stages of the light so they can understand red means bed.
16:27:47 Red means bed, red means bed, or whatever lights system that you choose another tip that might help you.
16:27:52 If your child has a hard time with separation, from you and you still have a monitor around, you could use this as to like bridge that gap, you can use this kind of as you're like walkie-talkie as a
16:28:04 line of communication between you and your child, and the first few times of practicing quiet time.
16:28:09 So for the first like few months, I just read, actually like more than a few months.
16:28:14 It was only recently that I stopped using the monitor, but she would talk to me through the Monitor.
16:28:20 She would ask me questions in the Monitor, and it was kind of annoying when I was trying to do my own thing. but I would much prefer that than her, like physically getting out of her room to ask me questions the other tip is
16:28:32 about starting small. So just like anything. I always talk about the just right challenge.
16:28:38 So think about starting in small increments to work your way up again.
16:28:42 If you are using the light system and you have it where you can manually program it from your phone or manually change the light from your phone.
16:28:52 Try to turn the light green like before they start, having huge complaints.
16:28:56 , you want to try to beat them to the complaints because you don't want them to associate the thought that like.
16:29:02 Oh, if I start complaining like mom, is it gonna turn greenstone?
16:29:06 Is it gonna turn green soon? Is it gonna turn green soon, and then you like, make it turn green.
16:29:09 Then they might start associating like Oh, if I complain enough, mom turns it green.
16:29:15 You want to try to get really good at knowing their threshold.
16:29:19 But so you can try to turn it green so like if you think they're only going to last 5 min in their room.
16:29:26 Then I would turn it green at like 3 min or 4 min and start there.
16:29:31 There's nothing if you're coming from no quiet time then having 5 min of quiet time to practice is going to go a long way, and you will quickly be able to build up that from 5 min to 10 min to 15 to 20 to
16:29:41 3, and you can cap it at 30 if that's fine for you, you can go all the way up to 2 h, which is what I do.
16:29:50 When you're first starting out if you do have the Monitor, you can use this at the same time, and I would kind of keep a close eye on the monitor, as you're watching your child in their room like sometimes I was when
16:30:00 I was first starting this, I would see Liliana like staring at the stoplight, like she was trying to will it to change colors, and so I would change it green pretty quickly in the beginning.
16:30:12 My next tip. This is important. stay consistent even with the big feelings.
16:30:17 I know. Sometimes it's just it feels easier to be like fine!
16:30:20 Just come out of your room like this is just too stressful for me to keep like bringing you back.
16:30:26 There. so try to be consistent. because remember this at the end of the day your job as a parent is to set boundaries.
16:30:33 Yes, even as a gentle parent, conscious discipline, respectful parent, whatever you want to call it, you still have to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries.
16:30:44 That is your job, Your child's job is to have feelings about those boundaries.
16:30:49 You can't take that away from them They don't have to be quiet about doing Qu.
16:30:51 They don't have to be happy about doing quiet time they don't have to be Ok.
16:30:54 With this new change in this extra time, separating away from you a lot of times.
16:31:00 Parents ask me every time I ask my child to Xyz, or every time I enforce this boundary they get upset.
16:31:08 And then the parent asked me like how to get them to not be upset.
16:31:11 Well, it's not in our control we can't take away our child's feelings.
16:31:15 We can validate them. We can let them know we understand it's hard for them all of those things.
16:31:21 So when your child has feelings or gets upset about quiet time, it's important that you be willing to understand that and sympathize with them.
16:31:30 But remember again, ideally at the beginning it's not a huge chunk of time.
16:31:33 So you don't have to feel like you're locking your child in their room for hours, while they're crying, and like wanting to hate it You definitely. don't want to induce this this like stressed moment every
16:31:44 day, for like 20 min straight, definitely started out small, But stay consistent with it, and know that it's okay for them to have feelings about those transition about this new routine.
16:31:56 Another tip for you is to keep their special beloved toys in their room.
16:32:02 So my daughter has dull houses and kitchen sets that she loves to play with, but we just always keep them in her room so that it feels special and new for quiet time.
16:32:10 You can definitely do toy rotations in your in their room if you want to.
16:32:14 But there's just certain toys that my daughter has and dolls that always stay in her room, and they get a lot of play like her backatiles.
16:32:21 She loves them, and if she wants to play with them at any other time of the day, we go to her room to play it.
16:32:29 So it just stays in her room. my last tip for you is to keep a close eye on this, to try to make sure that their room doesn't have many negative associations related to it.
16:32:40 So the room should not be this place of where they go for time. outs, or stay in your room, or you're in trouble, or go to your room, because and think about what you've done all of those things you want the room to
16:32:53 have a positive, safe space feeling to it. if you felt the need like in the past.
16:32:59 Maybe you've had to force quiet time or maybe you did used to use timeouts.
16:33:03 This might be the biggest factor that you're that's going to come up.
16:33:08 That makes it hard for you with creating a consistent, quiet time schedule.
16:33:12 But you can get a fresh start by resetting the environment so that it can feel new.
16:33:18 And again explaining to your child at a neutral time what you're what quiet time is going to look like for them.
16:33:24 For example, like you know, maybe you're starting a new, quiet time. and you want to create like a calming corner full of all of your child's favorite play things like so maybe you would buy a pop-up tent from amazon
16:33:38 or target, and it's this new thing in the room that makes it exciting and fresh, and you can explain this as like, you know, when it's when the light turned yellow you can go in this tent.
16:33:47 You can use this flashlight to read special books. You can use this drawing board.
16:33:53 You can use these like smelly markers these twisty crayons like something that's really exciting for them to make quiet time in their room feel exciting, and something that's positive.
16:34:05 And if you have to work your way up to this creating a positive association in the room, that's okay.
16:34:10 I would definitely start there before implementing any sort of scheduled quiet time.
16:34:16 If they have a very strong aversion to their room, for whatever reason, I would try to undo that by having a lot of positive plate time associated with their room.
16:34:27 So. Lastly, just remember quiet time, or room time can look different in so many houses.
16:34:34 There's no right way to do it this is how I do it.
16:34:37 This is how I coach my clients through it. but the idea is that you get some time to yourself, and your child gets some downtime and practiced by to practice being by themselves.
16:34:51 Both of these are important to their development. But if you want more time, if you want more help setting up your child with quiet time, or if you want to ask questions about any other sensory or emotional regulation developmental concerns than I have space,