The 7 Patterns Couples Share That "Make It"

Ever wondered about the secret sauce that makes relationships last? This episode of Demo with Mo is an invigorating discussion with our relationship community members, Ash, Jasmine, and Rashad, as we unravel the common patterns couples that "make it" share and its essential role in long-lasting relationships.

Friendship, we learn, is the bedrock of a successful relationship. Robust friendships offer the resilience needed to weather the tough times. But it's not just about endurance; it's about appreciation too. Shared adversities and appreciation of quirks bind us together in a unique bond that strengthens the relationship. Listen in as Ash, Jasmine, and Rashad share their personal experiences of how humor can help embrace these quirks, and how allowing each other to be themselves, without imposing change, breeds trust and acceptance.

We don't stop there. We take you through the nuances of apologizing, communication, and relationship repair, sharing from personal experiences. We discussed the importance of self-awareness and difficult conversations. Finally, we delve into the often-overlooked aspect of relationships—boundaries. Inspired by Dr. Nicole Lapera's research, we explore the benefits of setting boundaries, even within family relationships. Join us for this enlightening discussion and learn how these patterns can create a positive ripple effect in your relationships.

Dr. Nicole Lepera: The 7 Patterns Within Couples Who "Made It."

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

What's up, guys? Welcome to Demo with Moe. I'm your host, monique Simmons. We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young Christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Moe. I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be kicking off a new episode and we're going to be playing back one of my last talk discussions from our podcast, relationship community.

Speaker 1: 0:45

You guys know that group that I always refer back to until you guys come join us. Yeah, that community. So if you have not joined us already, I encourage you to stop what you're doing right now. Yeah, go ahead and pause this episode right now. Head on over to Facebook, search dating, engaged and married objectives and join us right now. But today we are going to be playing back one of those discussions, so let me, if you don't know already, give you a little background on what let's Talk is. So let's Talk is a conversation where this relationship community my family, my people I love them over there. I may be a little biased, but they are a dope group of people and our community is continuing to grow every day like legit. Every day, that group is growing over there. So shout out to y'all If you're listening. Shout out to y'all. I legit love y'all over there. But something that we do when I'm on a season break from the podcast. So when you guys know, last week and I hope you guys enjoy the first episode of season six I think we kicked off this new season with a bang. I hope that it only gets better from here. But I really hope that you guys enjoy last week's episode. I really hope you enjoyed it.

Speaker 1: 2:15

But whenever I'm on a season break from the podcast, which I just came off of one what we do in that community is we have a discussion each week, every Monday, called let's Talk, and we meet for an hour and we meet via Zoom and what I do is, before Monday comes, we set up a poll in the community and we have different topics and I let the community vote. I don't choose what we're going to discuss. I put some different ideas out there, different topic discussions, and I let the community vote on what they want to talk about. It's totally up to them. It's out of my hands. Whatever they want to talk about, but it's always going to be regarding or relating to relationships, because it's a relationship community. So if they want to talk about finance, if they want to talk about sex and marriage, if they want to talk about vacations and date nights or raising children, whatever it is, I'm open to it. No discussion is off the table. So if they vote on it, we're going to talk about it. I do my research. I may bring on a guest, I may have some friends join in on the conversation.

Speaker 1: 3:33

That's what we do, and each Monday we get together and we discuss the topic for an hour and the point of it was all of us face things in our relationships, all of us go through things. All of us trying to maneuver and deal with life. All of us are literally just trying to do life, get through life, deal with life, grow in life. All of us None of us are exempt from life Literally none of us. So the point of that was to not only just have these because we have the community. Don't get me wrong, the community is dope. We have the support, the encouragement. We talk about different things each and every day, but when we get on these Zoom calls, we get to have more in-depth conversations. I'm spearheading it, but the people on the calls which you're going to get to hear on the podcast episode today. You get to see how more in-depth we can do, versus just a Facebook post where you can answer a question and get feedback. We can really get to talk and go in-depth and ask more questions and hear one another's perspectives and get real-time perspectives and opinions and thoughts and feedback right then and there, in that hour and it's just, it's good for the soul. Man, I don't even have to keep telling you because you're literally going to get to hear it today and I really can't wait for you to hear today's episode.

Speaker 1: 5:06

So, where this episode came from and the let's Talk discussion came from, I actually have two group members. It's so funny because it happened all in the same day and God just has a. I'm not one of those people that's just big on coincidences and things just happen by happenstance. I think God always has a purpose for the way he does things. So this was going to be one of our last let's Talk discussions before I started back working on the new podcast season and I was really dealing with. What were we going to talk about for this last discussion?

Speaker 1: 5:48

I really was, because we had talked about so many things, because we were meeting each week and I was really struggling with because, as you guys know, I am a Christian and my podcast and my group is always going to be from my perspective, is going to be from a Christian's perspective, because that's who I am. So I was really thinking about it, like God. What should I talk about? Because, even though I'm going to do the poll, what should be the topics that I put in the poll? What is it that people are really wanting to discuss right now? Where are we? What are people dealing with in this season? What are people struggling with? What am I seeing in the world? What does it seem like is heavy on people right now?

Speaker 1: 6:37

Like those are the thoughts that go through my head, you guys, because this is so much more than just something that I do. This is a passion for me, this is a ministry for me. If you've been rocking with me, if you've been following Demo with Mo since the beginning, you know that this is much more than just something to do for me. Like this, I love this, I love this, like I love this. So all of these different thoughts are always in my mind, like the wheels are always spinning and turning about the podcast, about the group, about how can this glorify God? How can this be better? How can I help someone, how can this minister to someone?

Speaker 1: 7:29

And right now, even in the group, I'm doing a 30-day prayer challenge where myself and some other people in the group we specifically nobody knows who, not even the other people that's participating with me and I don't even know, but each one of us. We chose specific people in the group who we felt like we thought needed prayer or were dealing with something and who we felt God led us to, and we chose them to pray for them every day over the next 30 days, and I have a list of people who I've been specifically praying for and we've been going almost three weeks now. But this is what this is for me. This is not just something to do. This is ministry work. For me, this is a passion, this is, yeah, okay.

Speaker 1: 8:25

So I digress, but that morning, one of the young ladies in the group she shared something on her personal page about the topic that we're going to be discussing today and, man, it was so good. I'm like. I reached out to her and I was like, if you don't mind, can you share this in the group? And not even I'm talking about. Not even an hour later, another person in the group, another young lady that's in the group, she shared it in the group and this wasn't even the same person that I reached out to and I'm like this is exactly what we need to discuss on on let's talk.

Speaker 1: 9:04

So I was like I don't ever do this. I'm always going to use a poll and let you guys decide what we're going to talk about, but this day I'm going to make an executive decision because I really feel like this is what is being what I'm being led to, that we need to discuss and y'all, we had the let's talk discussion and it was amazing, like the conversation, the feedback, because what I do is we have the conversation on Zoom and everybody is not always able to make it, which you know. We're dealing with life. Our schedules are all different. We were, some of us are raising children, some of us are working, some of us are just not able to make it on the call and some of us are not comfortable getting on the call with other people, which is totally understandable.

Speaker 1: 9:58

So what I do is I record the Zoom calls and I post it in the group once we're done, so people are able to go back and watch at their convenience, but it's only for the group. But what I usually do later, once everybody in the group watches, once I start the new season of the podcast which I started last season for season five, because some of you guys were able to hear some of the let's talk conversations, what I would do is go back and kind of edit some of the conversations because I don't let you guys hear everything, because some of the things are sometimes personal, sometimes some people don't want to everything shared. So I'll kind of cut out some of those things, some of the more intimate things, some of the things people may be a little more personal, that I feel like they may not want to be shared. I may cut those things out just to keep that sacred for the group and I'll release that. And that's kind of what you're going to get today and that didn't mean to take so long explaining this, but I kind of want to give you a little context and a little background on how the let's talk discussions work and where did it all come from. So today we're going to be talking about the seven patterns couples share.

Speaker 1: 11:22

That made it, and this is coming from psychologist Dr Nicole Lapera. She tweeted this and it went viral. It has been shared over and over and over and it was shared by so many people that the people that were sharing it they wasn't referencing Dr Lapera on some of their shares, so people were thinking that they came up with this. I'm big on research. I don't just share posts without doing my research, especially on my platform or when I'm talking about stuff on my podcast, because even when it was shared in my group, the post that was shared was from a pastor but he never referenced Dr LaPair. So I went and did my own research to find out the original source of where this information came from. And it comes to find out that it came from Dr Nicole LaPair, who's a psychologist, and I will make sure to reference her and put links so you guys can see her actual tweets, and she's written a lot of books in her website. But I'll make sure to link all of her information in the show notes so you guys can find her as well, because this is some great information and something that I think will really help your relationship in your marriages, and this information was on point I'm talking about. It was on point. It was just chef's kisses, y'all. It was so good. It was so good.

Speaker 1: 12:53

You guys, when you get into the episode, you're going to hear my excitement. You can probably hear my smile. I don't even know how you can hear a smile, but you can hear my smile. But y'all remember to follow me on Instagram at demo with more podcasts, on Facebook and TikTok at demo with demo. Remember to rate and review wherever you listen to podcasts and, without further ado, let's jump into today's episode. Okay, hello everyone, we're going to go ahead and get started.

Speaker 1: 13:25

As you guys know, we do these let's talk discussions while I'm on break from the podcast and we're getting ready to start season six of the podcast in the next couple of weeks.

Speaker 1: 13:37

So this will be our last let's talk discussion until I go back on break from the podcast tonight.

Speaker 1: 13:44

The discussion was basically inspired, inspired by a post that Ashley posted in our podcast group earlier this week, and it's crazy because that same day that she posted it in a group, another group member shared it on her personal page and I had reached out to her because I wanted her to share it in the group.

Speaker 1: 14:09

And before she even shared it in the group, ashley shared it in the group. So I'm like oh yes, this has to be something that we talk about on our last let's talk discussion. Because what I usually do, I put up a poll for different topic discussions and I let the group members kind of vote on things that they want to talk about for our last talk. Because when we do these conversations, I don't want it to be necessarily something that I want to discuss, but I want it to be something that you guys are interested in, because I want to talk about things that you guys want to talk about. That always is my focus, especially with the podcast group. That's my focus because I want to keep you guys engaged and keep keep it, keep discussing things that you guys are interested in talking about.

Speaker 2: 14:56

But when?

Speaker 1: 14:56

I saw this, I was like oh yeah we got to talk about this.

Speaker 1: 15:01

This is this going to be one of those things that has to be talked about, because it's so relevant, and not only for people in relationships, but people that are dating, who are even single and looking to get into relationships, because even if you're not in a relationship, you're going to want to know the things that you need to be focused on or thinking about or curious about once you get into a relationship. So the things that we're going to be talking about tonight are the seven patterns that couples share, that made it, and made it in parentheses, because nobody necessarily makes it. I don't want you to think that there is any perfect couple, because they're not, but this is coming from psychologist Dr Nicole Lapera. She tweeted. She made these tweets on Twitter and it's been shared by multiple different people, because the post that Ashley made in the podcast group was from a pastor. So different people have shared what Dr Nicole Lapera tweeted about. So that's how popular this is and how important.

Speaker 1: 16:11

I think this really needs to be talked about in this, because that's why I'm really yawking. Well, those of you who may be watching this later, if you're not in the on this call tonight or not seeing it right now, I am teasing, my lips and my face hurt because I'm smiling so hard. But that's how excited I am about having this discussion on today, because it's good job, it's really good. And what this psychologist was sharing, I think, is so important, because she's sharing the seven common things that these couples that she talked to, seven common things that all these couples shared of how they made it in a relationship, what kept them together, what kept them having a thriving relationship, why didn't they divorce, why didn't their relationship and what kept them going, what kept them happy and thriving and together and surviving in a relationship? Because we know there's so many relationships, in so many relationships and in divorce, so many people walk away, so many people give up. But these people that she talked to that made it that their relationship survived, and not only survived, not only stayed together, but they actually enjoyed their relationship. They were actually happy together.

Speaker 1: 17:33

What was it about these couples? What was it about these relationships? What did they have in common? What did they share? What was their commonality in these different relationships and marriages that was there coming three that held them together. So that's what we're going to be talking about tonight, so we're going to jump right into it. So this first one is they were friends, and she says they genuinely enjoyed spending time with each other. They were excited to come home to each other and catch up after a long day. They liked doing little things together. Friendship was the basis of their relationship. Okay, so that's the first one that Dr LaPera said they were friends. I would love to hear what you think about their first point. How important do you think friendship is in a relationship or marriage?

Speaker 3: 18:35

I think it's very important and that is a major one to start off with, because I just feel like this you have to have that friendship connection before you have everything else, and I want to know to me just knowing that my spouse or my partner is my best friend. I just love that. I just love knowing the fact that this is the person who I can confide in, I can talk to you about anything, about everything, and who better than the person who you have to share space with? So friendship is, I don't know. There's this crazy that this is the first one that's popped up, because there's something I've been thinking about for a while now Friendship is big, huge when it comes to a marriage. So, yeah, I agree with that. I like that already. Number one is on point.

Speaker 1: 19:29

Oh yeah, oh yeah, so good. Thank you, rashad. Did anybody else want to jump in on that one? How do you feel about that one? That first point.

Speaker 2: 19:39

I do agree, and especially with that being the first point of it. I think if you're friends first, you kind of get to know that person outside of attraction. You may be attracted to them, but it's more than just that. You get to spend time together without that needed basis of we got to build this connection because we want to grow old together, kind of thing. You get to relax a little bit and so you let your guard down and you get to know that person much better and then it forms into a relationship where you get married and such yes, I love it.

Speaker 1: 20:20

Thank you, Jasmine Ash. Did you have any thoughts on that?

Speaker 4: 20:27

I agree with both of them that it is definitely important to be friends. Like me and my husband, we dated a very short amount of time, but one thing that we always did was like enjoy each other's company. Like we would talk on the phone for hours about random stuff and every time we would be around each other we were enjoying each other's company and we like even now I can say we like being around each other, Like when we move the stuff, that all the distractions out of the way, at the end of the day, like we are really great friends and like that is something that's very important to me.

Speaker 1: 21:04

Yeah, yeah, it's dope and I agree. I agree 100%. Those who know and those for those who will be listening to this later and know my husband and I's history we were friends even before we got into a relationship we were just talking about this with our daughter this weekend but our friends on my husband for a couple of years because we started dating in high school but my husband was trying to talk to me since middle school but I didn't. We didn't start dating until our senior year but we were friends a couple of years before we started dating and we were legit, just friends and I really got to know my husband and that's what won me over Really, just getting to know him as a person. And we were legit, just friends and that friendship has been the basis of our marriage. Our friendship has sustained us in some of the hardest seasons of our marriage. In the moments of times where I necessarily did not enjoy or was not happy about some of the things that we were going through in our marriage, I liked him as a person, as a human being. He was my, he was my best friend. So that has sustained us in a lot of different and hard seasons in our marriage. So I 100% agree with being friends I really do and there are a lot of people who are in relationships and marriages and they don't like the person that they're with because they're not friends, they don't, they don't enjoy them and they and it shows, it really shows.

Speaker 1: 22:50

The second point they had been through really dark times. They had all been through really difficult periods where they were at a crossroads and even had second thoughts, but they chose to stay together and work through it. This established trust. What do y'all think about this one and why you guys are thinking about your answer? I think a lot of couples shy away from this one. They don't necessarily want to go through dark times or hard times, or, if they do, they don't want anybody else to know that they are going through darker, hard times. What do y'all think about this that she's saying, the ones that last, that have good marriages, that last and they make it have went through really dark times together.

Speaker 4: 23:53

I think that it's interesting that the last part says that those times built trust, because I don't think it did that for me. I think that I'm a person that in relationships in general, like I'm coming in 100. Like I'm giving you the 100% trust, I'm giving you the 100% loyalty, I'm giving you the 100% everything, and so for me, when things happen, it's like the grade goes down, like you're not at 100, no more, and so for me, going through stuff, I wouldn't say that it necessarily built trust for me. I would say that it actually caused trust issues that even in good places I still have to work through and remind myself that was then. This is not now. So I find that very interesting hearing that dark times built trust for people, because it definitely did not do that for me.

Speaker 1: 24:49

OK, I like their perspective, and let me ask you this why do you think it did the opposite for you? Is it based on what you went through, or is it anything you go through?

Speaker 4: 25:06

I think that it is like I said I come in 100% with anything like marriage, relationships, all of it. So it's like I'm already at the 100. So when things start to happen not necessarily just in marriage, but that's what we're talking about I don't know that I can get back to that 100. Like I might get 90, 95. But there's a 5% of me that is just like I'm going to hang on to this 5% because remember what happened last time. So for me personally and that just might be my personality, because, like I said, how I come in is I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, I'm putting you on a pedestal or all of that, and so once that is broken for me in any type of context, like I guess we could get there, but it takes a lot of work for me, like a lot of work, to get back to the 100.

Speaker 2: 26:07

I can kind of well, I can see where she's coming from and I can kind of agree, I guess, with tough times. If it's dealing, like in our home, financially, things of that sort that does build trust or whatever, because we end up relying on each other because we're both going through the same thing at the same time. But when it comes as far as like within our marriage and there's a tough time or something comes up with her, like I come in fully 100 and then when something happened it's kind of like that trust is kind of broken and so it's harder to get back to that 100. And it could be just far as me not knowing how to get back to that place. But I totally get her stance on that. But it's not the fact that I don't want to get back to the 100. It's probably just not knowing exactly how, because I'm proceeding with caution, that's it.

Speaker 4: 27:13

It's like that, like oh, I'm just bracing myself. Like, oh, I don't want to, like, even if I feel myself getting back. It's like mm. Like girl, wait a minute, you're really about to just get back into this thing like this. And it's like I think I self-sabotage sometimes in that, because I'm afraid that you're going to let me down again. I'm afraid that I'm going to get hurt or you're going to lie or whatever's going to. You know all of those things. So it's like more of a fear. I guess it would be and we know that's not of God, but it is definitely something I struggle with. Once trust is broken, for me it's a struggle, yeah.

Speaker 1: 27:56

Got you. Ok, I got you, rashid. What you think about that?

Speaker 3: 28:02

this second point I agree with what both Ash and Jasmine have said and I count it 50-50. I think it kind of depends on the situation, because I've been there personally. I've been in those situations where I, like she said, I'm 95% OK with it or get past it or whatever. But I do think that what they're saying, or that it makes the relationship stronger, is when you go through those things, going through hard times and rough times, sometimes it opens up that trust to me in some ways. But it makes things stronger in a way and it makes you know that this other person I don't have to go through this alone. I can get through this with somebody else. I have a spouse who I can get through this with. So to me, in a way, the way you look at it, it can make your relationship stronger.

Speaker 4: 29:09

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:09

Yes, yes, yes and.

Speaker 4: 29:13

I agree with that too, rashid. I'm not saying that I don't agree that getting through the hard times doesn't strengthen you or can't develop you or help you grow. I just like what stood out to me was just that last part about it Like literally talked about trust. But I do believe that because, as we've already said, there's no perfect marriage. My husband and I have been through things and I just look back at what helps me is looking back where we came from and seeing where we are now, even in just communicating, you know, because it doesn't always have to be something so serious. It could just be maybe you didn't talk to me the way that I expected that you would talk to me, or you didn't handle me the way that I thought you would handle me in a situation. And so I do believe once, if you can get through those things and pass those moments and there's really an effort and a change, then it definitely can strengthen the relationship.

Speaker 1: 30:14

Hey man, and I agree with this second point. What stands out to me, and I underline it, when she said but they choose to stay together and work through it. I underline work through it because some people choose to stay together but they don't work through it. And that's when you can't get to the established trust part if you don't do the work through it part, because if we go through hard things and we stay together but we don't work through it, that defeats the purpose. We're not gonna have the trust part, we're not gonna get to the other side of this, we're just gonna be in the hard part, the difficult part. We're gonna stay where we are. And I'm only saying this from experience.

Speaker 1: 31:04

My husband and I have been in marriage therapy since since before COVID, so the last four years now and we've done a lot of work. And that's because we needed a lot of work. We both come from two totally different homes where we didn't see healthy marriages and healthy relationships, and we came into our marriages with all of that baggage and we went through a lot of difficult things. So we had to. If we were gonna choose to stay together, we were gonna have to learn to work through all that stuff and we did and we're still doing work. Let me not say did is in past tense, but we've done a whole lot of work and, to see us where we are now versus where we were, we've established a lot of trust.

Speaker 1: 31:54

And this is the only way I can say that I agree with this because from personal experience of doing the work and actually going through the hard things and now being on the other side of it, so yes, I agree with this, but that's from putting in dead work and it's not easy work. It's not easy at all. Okay, this next point here, number three they made light of each other quirks. They appreciated and acknowledged the quirks in each other, even if they were at times annoying. They made light of them and were never hyper critical, which I think about. That point I love it.

Speaker 3: 32:48

You pulling out positivity out of something that can be looked at as negative, and especially if your partner had that. Let's say, I don't know whatever kind of quirk you have. Whatever it is, it might be something that's been haunting you for years, it might've been a problem for years with others, but when your spouse makes light of that situation and make it positive, it makes you feel better about it. It makes you feel more confident about that quirk that you have.

Speaker 1: 33:21

Yep, do you think Rashad, since you just answered, do you think this is something that you do well, the area you do well in in your marriage?

Speaker 3: 33:33

No, no, no, like yes. So there are times when I yes, but then there are times when I do find myself, honestly, when I'm frustrated or upset with her or about whatever, then I kind of use it in a mean way, but then it takes away when it's time to make it fun, and in a positive way, because now I don't know if you're serious about it or if you're trying to throw a jail, so yeah, I got.

Speaker 1: 34:14

you Makes total sense, ladies, what you all think about this phone.

Speaker 2: 34:21

I never thought about it. It's interesting that that did come up. But I think that is, like Rashad say, a positive thing to use that, make a light of it, to joke about it because it keeps it fun, or whatever. Not to joke where the other person is upset about it, but just having pure fun and just I don't know, I guess yeah.

Speaker 1: 34:50

Yeah, do you think you do this one well?

Speaker 2: 34:55

No, I don't think I ever just really paid attention to it, and I guess that's where I'm kind of like, but yeah, I haven't paid attention to it. I don't think that I do it, especially to do it well, but that's something to kind of look into and move forward with.

Speaker 1: 35:16

Got you.

Speaker 4: 35:19

I would say that I think one of my husband me and my husband joke about this all the time and one of our love languages is roasting each other and that's something that we just do, like we just roast each other. It's out of fun, it's out of love, but it's almost like that kid on the playground. They're like push you and me and cause they like you and then they run.

Speaker 4: 35:43

So it's like that's just something that we do, Like we joke all the time about each other's stuff and nobody ever gets mad, or anything like that. But, something that I know that I noticed about him is like he's a jack of all trades, and I started telling him like you're a master of all trades, cause he will one day want to do this, one day want to do that, but he's good at all of it.

Speaker 4: 36:10

So it's like, do it, and I'm kind of the same way, so I probably can just relate. But yeah, so I enjoy the goofiness.

Speaker 1: 36:20

So you do this and will you guys?

Speaker 1: 36:22

make light of each other's quirks. Okay, I love it. Okay. Next, well, let me answer this. I do make light of my husband quirks, but I'm also critical though, but I'm not critical about his quirks though. So I think I do this and will my husband something that he does.

Speaker 1: 36:44

He has this one word out. I'm not gonna say the word. I'm not even gonna say the word Cause I'm very good about which he loves to tell our therapist. I'm very good about telling him beforehand what I'm gonna say when it comes to the podcast and stuff before I see it. So I haven't talked to him about this, so I'm not gonna say it. But he sometimes mispronounces words, so I'm not gonna say the word. But if he has this one specific word that he always mispronounces, in me and our 12 year old we always crack jokes on him about it, it's like an inside joke type of thing. So I definitely make light of his quirks and that's one of his quirks when he mispronounces certain words. So, yes, but I also can be very critical. So I do wanna put that out there, but not about his quirks. Okay, this fourth point they let each other Ooh, yeah, okay, I wanna openly say I struggle with this one.

Speaker 1: 37:44

Even though I've been answering last, I just wanna go ahead and put this out there in the fourth part. I struggle with this one Number four. They let each other be themselves. There was a base level of respect and admiration for each other, rather than a desire to change each other. This freedom brought out the best parts of each of them. What do y'all think about this one Number four?

Speaker 4: 38:12

Oh, we, this one is something here. The only reason I say that is because I love the person that my husband is. So first of all, I'll say that I think that I've just realized I might be just a little controlling, just a little bit, like a little smidge, because it's like you know how you just see greatness in someone. It's like I just want you to be great, like what I see, you know, in certain areas, and that can make a person feel like I'm sure, like what I am is not good enough. Or you know you're trying to change me and it's like no, I'm not trying to change you, because I have felt the most free and the best in our marriage with him just being himself, and I now see him being comfortable, being like the authentic him. But it's just like I know that there's an even for me. I say it and I tell him like I know that there's things I could be better as a wife, as a woman of God, as a mom, like.

Speaker 4: 39:19

But he's quiet and I'm not, and so what ends up happening is that I'll bring stuff that I see to the forefront and then I'm feeling bad about it because it's like, hey, he never tells me anything, and I know I'm not perfect, but I'll be telling him. Can you just tell me what you don't like about me so I can know, so I can fix it. Like I want to be better too. Like don't just let me walk around, you know being good. I want to be a great mom, a great, you know all that. But I think I'm like what you said, like I get a little critical. Like it gets it turns controlling and critical, when I really am trying to do it out of love and just wanting the best for him and us and our family.

Speaker 1: 40:04

Oh man, I figured it out. Okay, we're shy. What do you think about this point here about letting them each other be themselves?

Speaker 3: 40:29

I love it. I love, you know, the spouses letting each other be themselves and, like you know, it's not fair that my wife is on here. But no, it's okay. I love my wife and we do have.

Speaker 3: 40:50

I do struggle in the area because I'm like y'all, I can be critical and it's like I just really, you know, I try to, like you said, as I see things where I think it, where improvements can be made or things can be better, I feel like I have to speak on them. But sometimes, in just now, I'm trying to learn that be happy with you know what you see, be happy with that, and that's something that I'm working on. But just a few months ago it made me feel so better to release something to her, that where I could be myself, like this situation I held back from her in our marriage for a long time, but to release that, oh my gosh, it's like I was able, she was able to see me and comfortable in me and I was, and that made me feel better. So, you know, I love that. That goes back to like friendships, just knowing each other and, yes, so that's my intake.

Speaker 1: 42:01

So beautiful man man and y'all was crazy is in just now coming to you next. So what's crazy is and I just want to apologize on behalf of all of us critical people. I just want to apologize all y'all. That's married and relationships.

Speaker 1: 42:23

I want to apologize because my therapist has to tell my husband needs. Our hearts are in the right place, like we legit are. Our motives are in the right place. Well, well, most of us, because some of us are just right People that are critical hearts not in the right place. So let me not say that for everybody, but the people that's on this call, I know our hearts are in the right place and our motive is love. We love our spouses and we love our partners and our hearts are legit, in the right place. I could not imagine not being able to feel like I could not be myself, like I'm gonna be perfectly honest because I am free to be myself, like I legit, can be money. My husband has never made me feel like I could not be myself, like never, like ever, like I can truly be myself, freely be myself.

Speaker 2: 43:22

so, jasmine, are you ready? But no, I, I, I too, can be critical of and, as I was saying, you know, like you know, we see things and then we want to say it in or blur it out, and I think a lot of the biggest issue, especially within myself, could be delivery. It could be the way that I ever eat, that that may even make it critical when I'm not trying to be that way, and so, instead of like sending in a calm way, it may, I may end up blurting it out in an argument or, you know, in the heat of a moment, and so so it's. It's. It's like you all saying, you know, just just realizing the mistake and just trying to better it and make sure that. You know he feels comfortable.

Speaker 2: 44:26

As well. As you know I feel like I'm not myself feeling comfortable, because you know you don't want to get to a place of just letting everything go because you're afraid of being critical. You know just mental about everything, but it's about just making sure you know my tone of voice when I said and when I say it is not in the heat of an argument, but you know it is brought up when everything is calm or whatever. You know, just just looking at all of the options and things before stating something that can make you know him feel comfortable, which could lead to an argument.

Speaker 1: 45:06

So good. Yeah, we need to do a let's talk for one of our monthly date nights. We can have us and our partners all together and we can have this conversation like it would be so good. It would be so good. And something for those who may be watching this playback later, something that our therapist taught us which really helps, especially for those who feel like they're the ones who are being criticized, especially for the partner who is being critical and that's not their motive to be critical, but they're just trying to verbalize in his Jasmine said is their delivery is just wrong. Our therapist told my husband if you feel like Monique is being critical in a moment, don't wait. Tell her in a moment. Baby, you, I'm feeling criticized. You know you coming off a little critical. I'm feeling a little criticized and it helps like that really helps me in a moment because, again, if that's not your motive, if your partner is telling you I'm feeling criticized, now I'm going to watch how I'm talking, I'm going to be mindful about my delivery. Oh that, oh shoot, hope, baby, hold on. I'm sorry, that's. That's not what I meant. I'm not trying to come off critical. You know you're going to be mindful of that If that's not your motive. Anyway, again, that's not your motive.

Speaker 1: 46:36

Okay, let's get to the next point, number five. Number five is they fall. They got on each other's nerves. They fought and were frustrated with each other at times, but they knew how to navigate conflict, bounce back and move forward, y'all. I thought this one was good and I put in parentheses this is repair. A lot of couples need to have this one because it wasn't so much about the fight, because we know fighting in relationships that's inevitable. We're going to disagree, we're going to argue, we're going to fight. We're two imperfect people doing life together. We know we're going to have that. But the important part, the piece that we need, the piece that can't be missing, is the repair part, the coming back and how we're going to fix this once we have the fight. What should I think about this point?

Speaker 2: 47:36

I do agree that after the fight because, like you said, you're going to have those disagreements and arguments knowing how to come back to the situation after both parties have come down to figure out how to fix it I hope it's out of my mind, but I think that's something we both have to work on within our marriage as well is not holding the grudge, I guess, for a little while, letting days go by, just figuring out how to fix it sooner rather than later, not to let it simmer so long.

Speaker 1: 48:15

Yeah, that's good and a lot of people struggle with that. My husband and I, we struggle with that ourselves. I don't know if you guys ever heard of the four horsemen, but they said there's four of the ways you can tell if someone is going to divorce and Stonewallin is one of these four horsemen and that was not, let me not say was. That is one of the things my husband and I struggle with and we've gotten better, but it's still a struggle for us. We can do that silent treatment like nobody's business. If we have a conflict or a big argument, we can go to that no talking stuff and we have to work on that repair where we come back quickly. We can go to that Stonewallin, not talking for days. Just, we can't do that. So I totally understand what you're saying, ashley, or Rashad.

Speaker 4: 49:17

Yeah, I let that thing simmer like a good gumbo. You hear me? Yeah, like the champion of grudge holding. I'm not letting it go. I don't care if you're not mad, no more, I'm still mad. So that's me. My husband is the one that's like babe, come on, you don't need to be mad this long. Yes, it is Because I get out of here. I'll let you know when I am ready.

Speaker 4: 49:49

Because for me it's like, first of all, I'm mad so emotionally, like I'm not trying to, you know, just be hanging out and chilling and all that, like I don't want to talk. And then another thing that has happened for me is like I get more silent now as well, on the other side of the coin, because I don't want to say hurtful things and my mouth is who can be reckless? Like? Like how we talked about being someone's friend and then using that stuff against them. Like that's how I used to be in relationships with guys and I would just tear them to shreds. Like literally had a guy tell me before I've never had anyone say some of the things you said to me, and it's not even like a cursing out, it's just that I'm going to, I'm going to use everything that you've given me and tear you down.

Speaker 4: 50:38

And when I got married I said I do not want to treat this man like that. I don't want to talk to him disrespectfully, I don't want to say anything that's going to hurt him or tear him down, because I'm going to have to be the one that's going to have to help rebuild him if I do that. And so a lot of times like I'll be silent to even if I'm getting over it, because I just don't want to say the wrong thing out of my anger. And so I dealt with anger issues a lot in the past and I remember a woman, a guy, gave me that scripture, you know, in the Bible, where it says to anger but sin not. It says anger was something that I dealt with so bad I didn't even understand what that meant, like, until I really dealt with the root of like. Why was I so angry? You know?

Speaker 4: 51:26

why did I feel that I couldn't stop before, you know, reacting out of anger or saying something out of anger you know, and so I will say I've gotten better with my mouth and just be quiet, but I'm I'm still working on the grudge holding because I just let it simmer, got you.

Speaker 3: 51:46

Oh yeah, this is me too. I'm like, I will, you know, I hold on to a grudge and I must admit, like one thing I heard her say one thing. I heard you say, as is, that you experience all of that before in relationships and then you knew that you didn't want to bring it into your marriage. I think that's awesome and I think this, this, this is what we need. A lot is to realize a lot of, you know, realize a lot of stuff Fixing our sales or working on our sales not necessarily fixing our sales, but working on our sales prior to getting married, because I wish that I had gone through something or experienced that to where I knew that I needed to work on that, because I honestly did bring that into my marriage.

Speaker 3: 52:38

Where I was, you know, like I, when I, when I tore my wife down, when we would have arguments, because that was just, you know, I was, I wanted you to know that I was hurt, I was mad about it, but I did notice that. I hate that. I noticed that within our marriage, but that is something that I like. As said, that, I know that I've worked on and I'm much better at now, because I kills me to see a, to know that I'm the one who could be the cause of my spouse being hurt.

Speaker 1: 53:16

Yeah, okay, the next point, number six. This is a great one. They had difficult conversations. They communicated regularly regularly, I cannot even say this word. They communicated regularly and we're open to each other's perspectives. By avoiding or denying, emotional regulation was present, so conversations rarely became explosions.

Speaker 1: 53:55

Okay, I put in parentheses here this sounds like emotional intelligence. How many of you saw this model growing up? Before you talk about what this point, how you feel about this point, I want to know the answer to this. How many of you saw this model growing up? Because if you're able to just come into a relationship doing this, you had to have seen this model growing up or you did a lot of self work in your adulthood, because nobody just knows how to do this. You don't just come into this world knowing how to do what she just said in this point, because this is emotional intelligence. You don't just come into the world knowing how to do this Emotional regulation Not avoiding or denying, communicating regularly, opening up to each other, moving to your partner's perspectives. Did you guys see this model in your homes growing up?

Speaker 3: 55:10

Not at all, nope.

Speaker 1: 55:15

Ashley Jasmine. No not, no, no, ashley, what about?

Speaker 4: 55:22

you? No, I didn't.

Speaker 1: 55:22

Sorry, okay, and I didn't either. So the answer my first question None of us saw this being model growing up. We grow up into adult, we get into relationships and less because a lot of now, because therapy and mental health awareness and self awareness and all of these things are being talked about and being pushed now is being we're being made aware of this stuff now, in 2023, is being talked about more now, but growing up we never were, especially in the black and brown community. We didn't talk about this stuff therapy, who, who was going to therapy, you know what. So a lot of us didn't hear about that or didn't know anything about this. So a lot of us didn't go into our relationships Doing all this self work. So if we didn't see this model in our homes and we didn't do that work before we got into our relationships, how would we know how to do this stuff that she's talking about in this point? Where would we learn this?

Speaker 2: 56:34

We were pretty much learning, I guess, through experience. Just my thoughts. Because you know you, you would basically have this issue with anybody you have a relationship with. You know friendship, you know relationships. You would have that issue of not being able to talk and have a conversation or whatever. So to get back, you know a regular conversation where there won't be big blow up. So I think it does come from experience. When you have not seen it modeled in front of you, maybe you end up being in a relationship with somebody who may have experienced that.

Speaker 1: 57:19

Gotcha Okay. So what do you guys think about this point? How do you guys feel about this point?

Speaker 3: 57:31

I feel like it's great. I just think that there's. You know, it takes a lot of work to get there. It takes a lot of self-evaluate, you know, but I think that, like those are, these are some awesome points. But, yeah, I feel like you know you're gonna have to look at yourself in the mirror a lot and be okay with hearing something that you don't wanna hear. You know it might be, it might feel uncomfortable without certain situations, but I think it's important to have those uncomfortable conversations and to get through, you know is helpful, but you just gotta put yourself in a place to where you're willing and accepting to hear it, no matter how bad you think it might be.

Speaker 4: 58:20

Ooh.

Speaker 1: 58:23

That was good, rashad. I actually agree with this point 100%. But I agree with you, rashad, this would be one of those things. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be one of those things where you're gonna have to be self-aware, you're gonna be ha. You're gonna have to be willing to do the work and this work right here.

Speaker 1: 58:48

This ain't easy work, and I feel like this is probably why she I don't wanna speak for Dr Lepera, but I feel like this is probably why she put this point closer to the end, because this is gonna take a lot of work. And I'm speaking from experience, because this is the work I have been doing for the past almost year now. This work right here, and this has been some of the hardest, the hardest things that I've had to do in my life. Legit, no lie, I'm not even finna sit up here and try to sugar coat it and act like it was easy. It's been hard with my family. It's been hard in my marriage. It's been hard doing the self-work with myself. It's just been hard all around. It's been worth it, I'll tell you that.

Speaker 1: 59:50

But it's been hard because you literally have to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. You have to be honest with the people in your life. You have to. You have to be honest, as Rashad already said, you have to be self-aware and you have to be honest with the people in your life. You have to be self-aware, you have to be willing to hear some things about yourself that you may not necessarily want to hear. You have to make some changes and do some things and get out of some surroundings and maybe change some relationships that you don't want to change and do things differently.

Speaker 1: 1:00:29

And yeah, it's not easy. It's not easy and difficult conversations are just dead Literally. The word is right there. They're difficult. You don't have to talk about some things you don't necessarily want to talk about, say some things you don't necessarily want to say and some people not going to want to hear it and some things you not going to want to say. So, yeah, okay, last point, number seven they had boundaries with family. They put the relationship first and had clear boundaries with family. They didn't vent to them about issues or make decisions based on what their families wanted. They did what was best for their partnership together. Ooh, this is the last point. Y'all what y'all think about this one.

Speaker 2: 1:01:28

I could go first, I could say Rashad is very good at keeping family and everybody else in their place.

Speaker 2: 1:01:38

He doesn't mind telling them. You know, no, we don't need those kind of things. But I totally agree that family and or friends, you know everybody has their place. Everybody doesn't need to know everything or anything at all when it comes to your marriage, because you know they always had to stand where. You know you vent to some people and then once you and that person make up, the other people are still mad. So you know it causes a conflict. And so just me personally, especially when it comes to family, there's not too much of anything that I vent to my family, just only because you know I just want to make sure everybody's in their place and it won't cause any friction or anything you know later on down the road, or you know them using anything against us, you know, in a sense, Got you Okay.

Speaker 3: 1:02:48

Yep, she pretty much said everything that I agree. You know what she said. I'm definitely like that. I don't, you know.

Speaker 3: 1:02:57

And that rolls over into my personal life too, because I don't care, especially my heathens, you know. I don't care what you have to say or what your opinion is, it's not going to shape me, it's not going to change me. Now I can look at your opinion.

Speaker 3: 1:03:10

I value people's opinions and when there are times when I probably share things in my family with family members, certain family members who I know I can confide and trust, that trust is, but it's not like I'm, I'm sharing everything. It's just things where I know that this married person probably have gone through that and I might need their advice, because I don't, like you know, a lot of times I need some advice. I don't know where to look for, I don't know the answer. So I seek the advice through a family member who I know is strong in their marriage. But yeah it, you know, I take, I take those in and in consideration and I look at what I've been taught or what I've been told and I apply that to my marriage. But I don't allow what other people say about you know, about our marriage to dictate, you know, a decision for us.

Speaker 4: 1:04:12

Got you.

Speaker 3: 1:04:14

But another thing I was saying that too is that I'm kind of selfish in that area, it seems like because you know, I say that I do that for us, but I don't include my spouse in that decision. If that makes sense, what?

Speaker 2: 1:04:31

you mean.

Speaker 3: 1:04:32

So, like I guess what I'm saying is like I will those, those opinions or what I get from other people, you know, like the advice that I may get from other people, I make that I use it as advice for myself, but I don't think I don't share it saying, hey, this is what somebody told me or this is what I want us to look at, and I feel like that I should, you know, involve her in that, in that decision making and that thing. You know, just just involving her in it, I feel like I count selfish in that area. It's kind of.

Speaker 4: 1:05:11

I don't know.

Speaker 3: 1:05:11

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:05:14

Do you know why you don't.

Speaker 3: 1:05:18

Because a lot of times I think I like to make my own decisions. You know my own choices, and a lot of times I feel like that I will probably make the best choice or the best decision for us.

Speaker 1: 1:05:33

Okay, I got you, ash, what you think about this last point.

Speaker 4: 1:05:39

I think that it's important to have boundaries in any sense. You know you should have some type of standard that you set and that you will not allow others to cross. I just I know that it's difficult to kind of create those boundaries. You know, I was just having a conversation with one of my relatives and they were telling me that, basically, like their spouse you know, one of our other relatives had comments about their spouse and they were just like you know, I draw the line there. You know, you're not about to talk about my spouse, you're not about to say anything negative. I don't care what you see, what you peep out. You're not about to say anything negative about my spouse to me and if you do, you have pretty much made the decision not to be a part of my life, and so on some, on some instances. I feel like that is necessary, you know, because it's a respect thing. Whether you like me or not, you should respect.

Speaker 4: 1:06:46

You know who I am in this person's life. I will say that for me this is a little difficult. I'm actually growing through this because I'm an only child and so it's me and my mom like that's my best friend, so I'm going to her about everything. You know everything, anything, and I had to realize that in some things in my marriage and in my life I couldn't let her know anymore. And that was really hard and it's still hard, because I want to first of all, and then she doesn't understand why I won't, you know, and it's like I don't want it to be, not that it's going to ruin my marriage, but I don't want it to be tension between you and my husband If I'm telling you you know what we go through, and then next week we, you know good, and you're still looking at it with a side eye.

Speaker 4: 1:07:39

You know just things like that. You know, or not allowing my husband to leave because I'm going to my mom first well, my, what you think and then I come to him. You know, and I had to realize in growing in my marriage I couldn't do that stuff anymore. But it was really hard and, like I said, I still feel like I can grow in that area. You know the Bible says to leave your mother and your father and Cleve. You leave and Cleve, and you know the leaving part has been okay and I'm not saying that I haven't completely cleaved the way that I need to to just my husband, you know, but boundaries are so important because if you don't have them, then you're basically giving people access to treat you any way they want to.

Speaker 1: 1:08:24

So good, so good, and I understand, totally understand. I honestly agree with all of these points. That's why I really wanted to talk about this, because I thought these were so freaking good. Like they're so freaking good. Okay, I'm done. But I agree with this last point 100%. I struggled with this, this last point in our marriage, for a long time, if I'm being completely honest, and it tie into that. Last point, number six, they had a difficult conversations.

Speaker 1: 1:08:58

My husband and I got married at 21. So we got married young and, again, neither one of us came from homes where we saw healthy marriages, so we really didn't know. We didn't really know what it should look like. My parents were married, but my parents got married young as well and they separated when I was in high school and they got divorced the same year. My husband and I got married, so we didn't, and my husband's mom was never married, so we didn't see healthy marriages growing up. So we both came from homes where we really didn't know what it should look like, so we came into our marriages that way. So, again, with us getting married young, I had no idea what it should look like. My husband had no idea what it should look like.

Speaker 1: 1:09:43

So we had issues with setting boundaries early in our marriage and I went along with stuff that I didn't necessarily want to go along with. But I just stayed quiet on a lot of things because I was afraid to have the difficult conversations. So I just went along with a lot of stuff and I began to build resentment, and that resentment built over years. But finally, years later, I began to speak up. I began to tell my husband what I wasn't doing anymore, what I wanted for my own family, that we were our own family unit, the way that God says our family is supposed to be. I began to learn and I began to start doing self-work and began to learn about boundaries. And we started therapy and our therapist began to start teaching us things and we began to learn how we should be doing things. And it's okay to not do what other people want you to do, and it's okay to say no, and it's okay to set traditions with your own family, and it's you are not joining someone else's family, but you're starting your own family. And I began to learn all of these things and began to implement these things. And don't you know, all that resentment went away and I began to enjoy my family, me, my extended family, and the holidays again and birthdays again.

Speaker 1: 1:11:19

I began to say no and I didn't go to things that I didn't want to go to and show up when I want to show up and leave when I want to leave and do what I wanted to do. And I'm like this is the way it could have been all this time if I would have known about boundaries and setting boundaries with family. When people would want me to do things that I didn't necessarily want me to do, or help when I didn't want to help, I just it was like a light bulb moment and I didn't know I could live this way. You know, because people always say family is always family, and I'm like, yeah, so I agree 100% with this point. They had boundaries with their family. So these are the seven patterns that couples share.

Speaker 1: 1:12:05

Who made it? And this is from psychologist Dr Nicole Lapera, so if y'all want to look into her, she has written a lot of books. I did a little research on her, so if you guys want to check her out, these were some great points. I agree with every last one of them, but that's it. I hope you guys have enjoyed. I hope you guys have enjoyed. Follow me on Facebook at demo with Moe. If you have any questions you would like answered here live on my podcast, email them to me at demo with Moe at gmailcom. That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O-E-G-M-A-L-Scom.