Is Being a Single Parent Survivable? - The Single Mother Conflict

Meet Liz, a mother of 2, and grandmother of 3, as she walks us through her struggles as a parent, how she overcame them, and shares her opinions on a few questions asked by other parents. 

Transcript

You know, my husband didn't see things eye to eye and I ended up divorcing. So that was a struggle in itself. But even then, even after the divorce, even after being on my own with Rachel and I, we struggled, but we still made it. You know what I mean? You know, it's survivable. Welcome back to the single parents conflict podcasts.

Well, because being a parent, let alone a single parent can bring about conflicting problems to solve. Everyday. Today, I'm talking with Liz, a mother of two and grandmother of three who walks us through her struggles as a parent, how she overcame those struggles and answer some questions that other parents need assistance with.

If you feel that any of this will be useful to someone, you know, please make sure you share this episode with them. If you could also drop a like and follow or subscribe, depending on which platform you're listening to this on, that will be amazing. It just tells me that you want more content, just like this.

Usually in the beginning of the podcast, I would like do some research and find out a couple of things already to kind of do a good introduction, but, um, couldn't refer to it or anything. I think I found your Facebook profile, but it was just pictures and I'm like, I'm not really getting anything from this, so that's fine.

So was, so I'll just introduce you as the, um, awesome mom to my awesome coworker, Liz. Yep. I do. Great. Um, so thanks for joining me today. How was your day? It was very good. Thank you. Yeah. Great, great. Um, so, um, but first wanted to get some background information, then this is going to be interesting because again, a lot of times I already kind of know some things, but like where, where are you from?

Are you from the Lehigh valley of Pennsylvania here? Or are you from somewhere else? No, I am originally from New Jersey born and raised in Patterson. Um, I came from. Uh, Patterson about 20, 23 years ago. Okay. Six Rachel was about two and a half years when we came in,

it was like about. Two or five or something like that. Yeah. And I moved over here to the high valley. I worked at the court system in Eastern Pennsylvania, and I also worked at, uh, the law firm, shoreline and associates for a little bit, no front end, front end reception is working, you know, assisted as an interpreter for the, for the legal firm.

That's awesome. So what made you, cause you're not doing that now. No, I did it for a while. I got certificate certified and it put state of Pennsylvania started doing certifications to be like, Okay. And I started on that and I got recognized by the consortium, like they say, and I never got a certificate in it because afterwards I just started working and other things.

And I ended up finally at Abe Allentown and I work there. Now. I've been there for about six years. Wow. Okay. So going back, customer service rep, and then, so what made you like going back? What made you move to that? Move from New Jersey to PA and park New Jersey was getting very expensive. It's still is very expensive.

Um, and I wanted a better atmosphere, I guess, for my daughters, you know, it was very inner city. Very expensive. And my, my husband, sorry, my husband at the time had, um, My husband at the time, um, was actually transferred over from a plastic manufacturing company to here to be brown. And he started working at BB Bron and that's how we transitioned over.

Wow. Okay. All right. And then, um, do you have, is Rachel your only child? Do you have any other kids? No. I have two daughters, Rachel, and my older Rebecca and I have three grants. Um, Louis was 10, uh, Livia. Who's about three now and the youngest one a year and a half. Andrea. So. Oh, okay. That's awesome. So I have two grandkids.

I don't know if you know that two marriages I have have grandkids. Yeah, I know. Right. That's why it's always fun telling people on my kids too. Um, okay. So, uh, oh, so the first Forrester. Career goes with. So was it because of these agreements, these consortium, things going up, is that what made you want to switch out of that type of career?

Like working for the courthouse and all that got a little bit, it was getting very demanding. And then at that time, my job at the court system in Eastern Pennsylvania was, um, politically motivated, more or less. I would work with the senior judges as an interpreter and. As the years went by, you know, I worked there about 10 years and after the 10th year, the administrator was going to retire.

And the senior judge that I was working with was older in age, he was like 80 something. And, um, you know, the job market started going down a little bit. And for every senior judge that would come into work, they would hire somebody. It was kind of like favoritism politically. They would move people to there.

And so in one of those moves, you know, I, I decided not to continue on and I was laid off. So during that time, that's right after about a year and a half after that, I started working at sir. I also went to school, Penn state a little bit for that time. Is this where Rachel? So your daughter gets her love of Penn state from yes.

So I did go to Penn state, Lehigh valley for, I want to say about a year's time. Got a, about 32 credits there never finished. I've been trying finish. I did Penn state at that time. The beginning, uh, years was very, very good there. Now I know there's different. Yeah. Yeah. Different element. Now, is that what you're getting from Rachel?

Is she saying it's a different elements? Yeah, she's taken, she likes Penn state, but you know, one of the things that I see in some of these, um, universities here in the Lehigh valley is that they're very high school kind of atmosphere. They're not really catering to the older generation. Like you could go to Cedar crest college and the night courses are more geared towards the, you know, I think more towards the older generation, the adult learners.

Yeah. No, I agree. And I think too, I'm kind of picking back off of what you were saying, because once when I was in college, just that freshman year I go, you kind of get a lot of stuff, but as the years go on, you kind of. You start seeing the people that don't really care kind of like kind of going to the wayside, but then sophomore year, junior year, it's like, these are the people like you're sticking through it, you know?

You know, so, um, but no, I agree, definitely. But you also see kind of like. It's almost like they, they want you to help them along the path. You know what I mean? Like were, when I started going to college, you were on your own what to advising and you got like basic information that you had to apply that here it's.

Did you have any help with parents at all? As far as like college at all, per se, did your parents go to college at all or no? No. I was first-generation college goer, my other two brothers and sisters from my father's side, graduated. They, um, my older one got her masters, my sister and my brother became a carpenter.

And a tradesman has his own company and that kind of thing. So the only one, one of us went to college actually, and graduated. Gotcha. Now the same way, excuse me. Uh first-generation so it's like, I walked in those doors to college and I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm spinning around like sure.

What's financial aid. What is this? I don't know. And so cross my fingers. And so like, I think now with the pandemic, it's more self-taught, you know, Like you're really paying money into an institution that no longer. Benefits you, you know, educational wise. Right. And it, it, I think the biggest thing too is us just finding those certain cause there's certain people, right.

That not to say everybody that kind of works for a war. Right. Really anywhere. Like there's always somewhere, you got to go, let's say like your customer service, right. For you. It's like, sure. You're going to see somebody. That's like, listen, whatever, move on. And then somebody is going, all right. I care. Let me actually do a little more, let me go above and beyond.

So, um, that could be anywhere though, too. So when you have, um, have your kids, so you had two kids, right? Three grandkids, two kids, three grandkids. Right? So talk to me about that. Was that something that was, uh, planning. Plan, but, you know, that's the way it goes. I wouldn't change anything for the world, but was that something that was planned or something like, oh yeah, it was, it wasn't have to say, you know, I mean, you know, we all have the dream of getting married, starting a family and stuff like that.

And I always did. I was wanted to have at least two, I didn't want one to be the spoiled. Only child, you know, I want them to have like a companion and yeah, that was my, my initial plan was to have two kids. Yeah. Okay. And then what was, so was your reaction to it positive? I don't know if there's a negative positive, more than just a, either shock or, or surprise, but what was your first reaction?

I did a lot of things with them when they were little. I love the time that I had with them as children. I helped them through school. I did arts and crafts. I love to bake and do cookies and go to the park. And we did all of that. I, I want to say that, you know, Most for the most part, they had a good childhood.

That's awesome. Um, was there any struggles, do you think when they were younger? I know I had to overcome and Angela struggles, there are always financial struggles, always when the family starts growing, when you move from one location to the other, you know, of course, moving into the Lehigh valley was a plus because it was a good time for us.

You know, we were able to afford things and, you know, But even so, you know, being a parent is not easy. It's a little hard, you know, you, you deal with a lot, the, you know, puberty. And we friends because I had two daughters, you know, and that puberty hits. Yeah, no, I know it. I know my son's. Um, he's 15 now. So, uh, but people say looking to have a son and a daughter, I don't know.

What do you think? Is that something that, that stereotype of, oh, it's good to have boys back then. I can see that now. It doesn't matter. I think they're both just as difficult. They both go through their own personal struggles, you know, discoveries and stuff like that. I don't really think that there's anything that.

You know that the diff differentiates you have to be just as careful with both, you know, because they, they both go out and you worried the same. So, yeah. I don't think there's much difference anymore. Okay. Um, my it's funny if you were saying, like moving out of the inner city. Cause my, I know I used to, so I was born in Philly, lived there for a few years when I was younger than my mom moved me out of Philly.

Um, so I definitely identify with. I guess I was kind of lucky, not that you know, these inner cities, you know, they have their issues, you know? Um, not all. So I guess I'm trying to say is that there's struggles, obviously there's some positive points when people, you know, just because he come from the inner city doesn't mean it's gonna be a bad thing, but if it's an option and you're able to deliver a better life, I'm sure people would want to, you know, kind of move to get in a better situation, you know?

So what, uh, do what, so was that the biggest thing you think the moving, where there, how would you overcome? I think that was pivotal in a lot of things. I think, you know, sometimes, you know, I watch TV and I see all these programs and I see people that are struggling in these inner city places and their kids, you know, going spiraling, downhill into the crime and to, you know, uh, a bad school system.

They're not getting the right education. And I always think to myself, well, why don't they move. You know, it's not like we're tied down to anything. And I understand that certain people have certain struggles and they have certain, um, what is it, uh, monetary, uh, limits. We able to move from one state to the other or whatever, but even inside that state, there's better locations, better housing and other areas.

You know what I mean? Like, I feel like there's always an opportunity to get away from. Whatever it is, that's causing your family some type of hardship that you can't control. You know what I mean? Right. Were there any other struggles you had to kind of overcome or was it basically the mood for, and there was other struggles.

I mean, you know, later on we moved here and, you know, we never were able to afford our home own home. Um, layoffs were often, you know, in between my husband didn't have a. You know, but, uh, what if he have maybe like an eighth, ninth grade education, no high school, nothing. Um, and I struggled to, I struggled to beat, to be a mom and to go to college and to make some credits for myself and you know, every now and then I had to stop going because my daughters were first, you know, so there's, there's all these struggles, you know, How'd you overcome them a little bit.

I was just about to ask. So how, how did you overcome it? I'm pretty sure a lot of it, you know, when you, you always think like there's ever a point where you're kind of like fully at the end, it's always seems like there's something or other, that's something next to kind of overcome, but what are some of the things that you think that helped you overcome?

Some of those struggles? Some of those struggles that I overcame I think was, you know, Financially, you just have to keep looking for the right job, keep growing in the job, um, stability, you know, learning how to save, how to budget, um, you know, things like that, you know, forwarding your education. You really have to start, you know, investing in your education.

Um, You know, just there's so many resources out here. They really is. It's not just social services and stuff like that. There are resources, you know, and unfortunately when my daughters got older and we were able to do more planning, you know, my husband and I didn't see things eye to eye and I ended up divorcing.

So that was a struggle in itself. But even then, even after the divorce, even after being on my own with Rachel and I, we struggled, but we still made it. You know what I mean? You know, it's survivable. Everything in life is survivable. I think that's the one thing if I could leave with you today was that everything in life is survivable.

Nothing is, you know, The end of the world. Definitely. No, that's awesome. I completely agree, because it's like you find yourself so like kinda lost as anybody cares. Should I care? Like what, but, um, yeah, no, it's everything is, is survivable. It's just how much you want to. Effort to, to kind of move forward.

Right. Um, and it's crazy that you brought that up. Cause I was going to be my kind of next question. Cause when I was asking your daughter, um, when I was asking Rachel that I was like, yeah, so this, you know, doing a podcast about single parents and. The gradual kind of perked up, but she was like, I don't know, because my mom, she's not, she wasn't, but I don't know if she is really.

And then I'm like, I was like, what do you mean? He was like, oh, because she was looking at that. But then I was like, oh, okay, well, I mean, you could ask her if she, if, if you want, so, so w how do you, what do you feel is the definition of, uh, like a, uh, a single parent or just a parent? Like, what do you, how do you feel that like, That defines you.

I know. I don't like people that kind of put labels on me, but I mean, what would you define that as? Yeah, I, well, at this stage of my life, I mean, I'm, I'm in my mid fifties and Rachel's in her 26th birthday now. She's not a baby anymore old lady now. Yeah. So, you know, I don't consider myself a single parent per se.

More, you know, uh, kind of like roommates really 'cause we, we do everything here together. We cook, we pay the bills together. We do everything together, you know, so this is just as much my home as it is hers. Um, but I think single parents, single parents are those parents that are struggling with little children.

Um, We don't have any structural support from my family members. You know, those are the ones that are having it hard. Those are the ones that are struggling to keep ends, meet, to have, uh, you know, food on the table to maybe better themselves at work or in college somehow and finding it more and more difficult because there's nobody to take care of their kids or.

They don't have grandma at home anymore. You know, like way back in the day you had grandma home and would come from school and grandma will be in the kitchen and she's received them while mom and dad were either farming or doing something outside the work. You know, now you don't have that. Everybody has to work now everybody's struggling.

And so single parents have it a lot worse and I don't care how much child support there is out there, you know, or. Monetary gains of any form of fashion. You always have it hard because who's rearing those kids, television, media, and friends, you know, they're not being raised like you and I were raised.

Right. You know, and that's key, you know, the raising of these kids, who's raising them. Right. Definitely agree. In speaking of, uh, raising kids or there are people out there just don't know what to do, who to reach out to who to talk to. Um, so in some of these podcasts episodes I have done, I have. Trying to see if, Hey, we can help out a little bit, you know, not that we're experts because I know we're just sharing opinions here, right?

When our therapists licensed really to give any information. But I feel like if there's information, even one person feels is helpful. Um, then I think that we kind of helped out a little, right. So, uh, if it helps great. That's okay, too. Um, but I did pull some questions from a website it's called core Q U O R a M.

Then people will just post just questions, I guess. Hey, you know what, I'm just reaching out to the world. If anybody feels they can help, you know, please do so. So, um, do you mind answering some questions with me? Okay. So first question I have, um, What would they say here? They said that when I pick up my four year old son from his dad, he always cries not wanting me.

Is that normal? What do you feel about that? Well, I think that that's normal. I think he's has anxiety about, you know, two homes, but I think that, um, mom has to sit down and kind of find out why he's crying or why. He feels the way he's feeling, you know what I mean? Maybe a conversation between her and him.

Um, and there's a favoritism thing going on. I don't think so. I don't think kids have favorites. I think they feel more comfortable with one parent over the other, but I really don't think they have favorites. Right. You know what I mean? And I think. You know, maybe mom should sit down and have a conversation and find out why he's feeling sad.

What's, you know, what's bugging him, you know, maybe go on a camp trip, you know, or I don't know, uh, you know, talk to a counselor with him. You know, I think that if he's crying, when he's coming home, then there's something that's making them unhappy. Yeah. No, definitely. Um, so next question here, uh, say under what circumstances might it be understandable for a four year old to not yet be potty trained because we're sticking with four year olds here.

Um, they say that girls get pirate dream before boys am I sure how true that is, but, uh, really, um, so. Uh, I guess what they're asking them, like, is it understandable for four year old to not be potty-trained by that age yet? Is that abnormal? How do you feel? I have heard of children that are not potty trained by the age of four.

Um, is it normal maybe for that child? They could be, but I think too, it has to do with a parent. And again, that what I was mentioning, the rearing who's rearing these children. If, if they're at four years old and they have not become independent with their personal, you know, uh, you know, functions, then something has to be looked at deeper.

You know what I mean? Like I think, I think the. Really needs to make it a project, whether it's a, you know, a couple of days of talking to the child, finding out what will make it easier, maybe getting a doctor in on it and asking advice, finding books, you know, sometimes it's just a conversation that you need to have with the child, because they might be going through something.

Again, everything is finding out what's the hidden cost. For their fears for their anxieties for, you know, because part of that is anxiety, anxiety there. Yeah. Mother or father or father. I'm glad I hadn't what I was voicing. His mom was also, we were together at the time, so I have to deal with that alone.

But I can imagine as a, I don't know if this person is single or not or whoever, but, um, but yeah, it's not, you know, some kids. You know, they have their own pace, but it does help to, you know, Hey, how active are you with getting in potty training? You're doing stuff at home, you know, stuff like that. And also those who's babysitting them sometimes, you know, it could be that a babysitter didn't go about it the right way while they were training that child.

So there's a lot of issues there. You know, it has to be a conversation with this child and see what's going on. And then a last question here, some good and go a little older here. So my 16 year old daughter said she just wants to be alone and she keeps saying she wishes she has a door. What do I do? I'm not going to give her a door.

So first off, I'm assuming that this person took the door out of her room or, uh, just has no kind of access, uh, to be kind of to herself. I don't know. How do you feel. Well, I think that's wrong. I think if you're removing doors from people's rooms, there's something wrong there there's, there's a lack of trust.

That's what it, you know, a lack of door means you don't trust that child's behind doors. Why not? And if you know, there's a problem, then why hasn't the problem been addressed? Why is the door still not there? You know what I mean? That right. There has to be a trust. Between that 16 year old and that parent, and if there's no trust that a conversation has to be had, whether it was with a psychologist or a family member that intervenes, or a priest or pastor, or some sort of, you know, social worker of some sort, something has to happen there.

And, you know, 16 is a hard age. I mean, they're going through that awkward stage of being an adolescent and almost, you know, pew, you know, off of puberty. It's, it's a whole, especially if it's a. Oh, my God. It's the worst. Definitely go through. Prove it is so, so different from boys. They're more rebellious.

They're more, they lash out more. They're more introverted, but they kind of like, just want to hit the streets, go out with their friends and not be dealt with. Right. Um, You taking the time out to do this interview? Um, just time flies when we're just talking, you know? Right. And, uh, but I do have one more question though, for you, which I've been kind of asking everyone, um, if you could go back in time, tell your past self, just one thing, like knowing what you know now, like what would it be?

Was there something bit of advice you would tell your past self parenting? Uh, yeah. Yeah, it could be about. Um, or anything that you felt like just in general, just help you out. And maybe that translates the parenting would be traces on those. The one thing I think that helped me, um, was prayer. And, you know, I know not, everybody's going to adhere to that.

Appreciate that piece of advice, but you know, I've always believed that, um, God has the. For our lives. And I truly believe that I believe that in everything, you know, we all start dreaming of this happy ending in our lives. You know, raising kids, meeting the right person. And even through all those things, you still won't have the answers to all of it.

You know, life is just a journey and. You know, sometimes you're like, what am I going to do now? You know? Well, the person to go to who has the manuals got, and I've always believed that he has been the one that has taught me to raise my children and to give them what they need, whether it's support or love or care, or, you know, even discipline, you know, because discipline is also necessary for children.

You know, it, it teaches them that we love them, you know? And so I think, you know, putting God into the mix and asking him for the answers and believing in good people surrounding yourself with good people. I think that is a great recipe for parental good parental advice and guidance. Yeah. And it makes for good adults.

I mean, it did for you then it did you have around. Mom and my grandmother, this was funny that you said I've talked about grandmothers in like, um, Yeah. So mom was around, mom's working Tom to go to the grandmother's house, grandma, but she's going to make me eat all these vegetables. The guy is like, I'm going to clear that plate for a good dessert.

Profitable. Your mom there for your son and stuff. I mean, when you need it. Yeah. Yeah. She's not, um, she doesn't live close by now, but that's hopefully going to change some, hoping to move her up here. And I think it's good to be. Family. So it should be, she was there. Push, push, push. Exactly. And that's what I mean, you need to surround yourself with people that really are going to be there for, I want to think Liz again for taking the time out to join the party.

If you feel that any of this information will be useful to someone, you know, please make sure you share this episode with them. If you could also drop a like in the follow or subscribe, depending on which platform you're listening to this on, that will be great. It just tells me you want more content just like this.

Well until next time. Thanks for listening to the single parents conflict podcast.