The Hangry Parent Podcast
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The Hangry Parent Podcast
#12 - Faith, Football, and Co-Parenting - The Single Mother Conflict
We take journey with Denisse, a mother who moved from from her home driven by a quest for warmth and spiritual fulfillment. Her path intertwined with Elevation Church, discovered through YouTube worship videos, leading to a transformative baptism and a fresh commitment to service. Amidst the trials of co-parenting and ensuring her children's stability, her account underscores the healing potency of faith and the critical role of an inclusive church community in her renewed life.
Do Religious People Live Longer?
https://time.com/5159848/do-religious-people-live-longer/
Elevation Church:
elevationchurch.org
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So it was over a decade ago. I want to say, during my early years in college, that I stumbled upon a study that truly amazed me. It was a pretty simple one People who follow a religion, no matter what religion it is, tend to live longer. Now it just wasn't about what religion you followed, more about following a community, like being around the same like-minded people who lifted you up and having those positive vibes that individuals can potentially bring to your life.
Demetrius:Now, I'm no health expert and I don't claim to be, and I'm sure there are a variety of factors to this, but as someone who's always been drawn to the mysteries of faith, but never really consistent with going to church myself or reading the religious texts like the Bible, for example, I was truly dumbfounded. It was so long ago so I don't remember the exact details of the study, but I found another one with similar information. If you're interested in reading it, I put it in the description. Notes of this episode. Notes of this episode. Welcome to the Hangry Parent Podcast, where we satisfy not only our hunger for delicious food but also our craving for parental guidance.
Demetrius:So grab a snack settle in and join us as we navigate the challenges of parenting one bite at a time time.
Demetrius:did I see you're a giants fan? I think, yes, right, okay, um, I'm eagles fan, okay, so, and I'm sure, like you used to live up here and yes, okay, right in this'm sure.
Denisse:Yes, I got to eat for it, a lot, a lot.
Demetrius:There's a mix, because being in PA is like, especially this part of like Eastern Pennsylvania. We get a lot of New York, a lot of you know Philly mix in, so you see a lot of Giants fans too, but I'm sure it must've been a pain in the butt being around all these Eagles fans.
Denisse:Yes, absolutely.
Demetrius:So this is Denise, a single mother's group leader at her church. Her goal is to help people make better versions of themselves. More of that in a second, but first did I mention she's a New York Giants fan.
Denisse:I have a license plate in my car in the front that's New York Giants and I have a lot of gear so I can go to the grocery store and go get cold cuts and the person will be like I'm not serving you with that shirt on and I'm like what did I?
Demetrius:do what did?
Denisse:I do so, and my dad is a Cowboys fan, oh yeah, so it's like my brothers are Giants. I have two brothers Myself. My son is a Gi giant because of my brothers.
Demetrius:Okay.
Denisse:And my daughter was a giant until she felt compelled to be a Cowboys fan because my dad, her papa, doesn't have anybody in the family to join him and she feels sorry for him.
Demetrius:Oh.
Denisse:So she's a little bit of a traitor, but she used to be. I have tons of pictures of her with my, you know, with our drawing stuff. But, um, I didn't actually start following football like that until my son was born, okay, and um, he's 20 now and of course when he was born he wore anything, and wore anything that everybody would give him, because his dad is a 49ers fan. But his mother, his brother, his stepdad, they're all Giants. But I have two brothers. One brother's the oldest, he's a couple years older than me, and a younger brother, and he was always with my brother. So he just became a Giants fan. So I kind of just rode with whatever he did. So that's how that started, um and where are you from?
Demetrius:then too as well, are you from? I'm in Puerto Rico. No, I was born in Puerto Rico.
Denisse:I moved to the US when I was 12, okay, okay, so in PR there was no football per se. My brother followed all the United States sports Okay, so he watched football.
Demetrius:And what about football? Football like soccer football.
Denisse:No, no, no, no. In PR it was more basketball baseball.
Demetrius:Gotcha Okay.
Denisse:So of course we were Yankees fans. I think a lot of people are going to say you're Yankees or you're Mets most of the time Until like now I was in Houston, texas.
Denisse:There's other ones now, but for the most part it's kind of what you followed. And then basketball is really big back home and actually that's the correlation that my dad chose when he was picking his NFL team. So the city that we were born, we were from in Puerto Rico. The basketball team there was called the Cowboys Vaqueros. So when we moved here in 91, of course that was the era of the Cowboys, with Emma Smith and Jordan Aikman, and you know, and they were champions. Of course that was the era of the Cowboys with Emma Smith and Jordan Aikman, and you know, and they were champions. So he was like, oh, what better team to choose than Cowboys? Um, and that's why he chose Cowboys as opposed to my brother. Even when he was in Puerto Rico he would watch American football and was already a Giants fan. So that's where the division is per se.
Demetrius:Yeah.
Denisse:But even my mom said, even my mom a.
Demetrius:Giants fan. So it's weird, okay. And then so then Puerto Rico, right, and then you move. Do you know whose decision was that? And then how did you take to the move afterwards? Were you happy, sad, not, were you sure? I'm not sure how young you were when you moved.
Denisse:It was definitely it was my parents. So in Puerto Rico we went to Catholic school because public school wasn't the greatest and at that time it was three of us. I have a sister as well and to put the three of us through school would have been just they couldn't afford it. So they felt like coming to the US would have been a better opportunity for them, to just a better life financially and just opportunity-wise. So I was 12., my brother was 14. And my sister was 8.
Denisse:But I knew very basic English, like a few words, and then my brother knew a little bit more and then my sister knew it none, but she was going right into elementary school. I was the only one that had to go into ESL classes and I was going into the seventh grade. So it was difficult, definitely different culture. So culture shock, especially going to catholic school and going to public school, going from going from like uniforms, no uniforms, language, of course. Um, it was, it was a lot, it was was different for sure. And then going from like one weather all year round to like Pennsylvania being all weather and cold and snow.
Demetrius:It was rough. Do you like the snow now, or is it still like a? Keep me away from the cold.
Denisse:I absolutely hate it.
Demetrius:Is that why you moved out?
Denisse:Because you moved more south. Now, right, guess I'm in north carolina. Uh, that was one of many, but it wasn't. It was, it was up there, but it wasn't just the only reasons all the areas of the country to move to from puerto rico.
Demetrius:Why, pa? Was there any at the time and was there any reason? Was there any family here already? It's been easier, or?
Denisse:no, actually I have a. I had an aunt at the time that lives in the Bronx. I had visited her a couple times but, um, my parents weren't fond of New York, um, but no, they had a. Their childhood friends used to live in Bethlehem in.
Denisse:PA and they had went to visit and it seemed like a nice town and it just seemed a little more, a lot more calm than the whole hustle and bustle of new york and they felt like they had a little bit more of a you know city where they can raise their children and as opposed to the big city, right so yeah, they knew childhood friends like a balance here.
Demetrius:You know it's like a little if you can be a little bit in uh the quiet, but then you know, if you needed like the big city stuff you can just drive away right right, yep, it wasn't that far so then what, if you don't mind me asking what made you move then from PA to South a little?
Denisse:more um. So I knew I didn't, ever, I didn't want to stay in PA forever and my son loved, we lived in Whitehall and he wanted to stay in the same school district and I had bought a home there and. But I knew once and his dad and I shared custody, so I knew I couldn't move before that because his dad wouldn't have been happy about that and I never wanted to take him away that his dad wouldn't have been happy about that, um, and I never wanted to take him away from his dad anyway. So I knew once he graduated he was going to go to school. I was like this is my opportunity.
Denisse:My daughter at the time was seven, almost eight or eight, just turning eight. So I was like if I'm gonna move, I have to do it now before she kind of grows roots and, you know, establishes her little friendships and stuff. And I had looked at, of course, going south, because I don't like the cold, but I had looked at georgia, south carolina and north carolina, um, but in 2020, you know, the whole world was turned upside down, oh yeah. And at that time, um, I was just going through a lot with work and just life in general and I went through a really, really hard time in my life where I felt like the Lord was calling me back to Him. And I have found Elevation Church and actually through worship I had snippets of pastors speaking, but it was more the worship that caught my eye.
Denisse:I grew up Catholic and I actually have tried, like most, every religion out there I've gone to Lutheran church, I've gone to Baptist, I've gone to anything but I just feel like my faith is more your relationship, your personal relationship with God, as opposed to a religion or a stamp on what are you.
Denisse:So once I found Elevation, it just changed my whole perspective on how I view the Lord and in my faith and my foundation with God. And at that time they have their main church here in Charlotte in North Carolina, and I wanted to make the decision to be baptized and me and my children drove to down to visit so I could get baptized. And I just felt at that moment that God was speaking to me and moving me here because I wanted to just have a little more purpose to to my life, to just do, do something God wanted me to do as opposed to me, and I just felt called to be down here and be more proactive in the church and serve and just just just help others. You know every little bit helps, but so that's really kind of what made my decision to move down here. I don't have any family here, so it was it was, it was a leap of faith and my family was not happy about it so.
Demetrius:Elevation Church how did you find the church? What kind of led you to, you know, finding them? I'm pretty curious.
Denisse:YouTube videos of worship. I actually I love more gospel and I was listening to a lot more gospel than anything, but I came across Graves and Civil Gardens, across um graves and civil gardens and I just remember, you know, because, like once you start on youtube and you watch a video, it gives you like suggestions.
Denisse:Yes, and it clicked and it right. So I went to that song and I remember just seeing like this it looked like a rock and roll guy with like long curly hair, bunch, bunch of tattoos, with a guitar, and that piqued my interest. And then behind him is this chorus and it's every color age, it's so diverse, it just just everything representative black, white, hispanic, asian, young, old, whatever. And I'm like, where is this? And I want to go there. I want to be there Because, especially moving from Puerto Rico to here, we got a lot of like well, you look white, you don't look Puerto Rican.
Denisse:Or, for example, like our family dynamics. So my parents my dad is technically not, he's not my biological father, but he raised me, so in Puerto Rico, it's like dad, my two younger siblings are from him and me and my older brother from my mom's first marriage. So, like we say brother and sister, we don't like, oh, that's my half sister, that's my half brother, like it's just so different here, like I don't know, it's just that whole labeling thing was really tough for me when I moved here. And you know, like so when I and I have, I have a lot of tattoos you can't really really see them, but I have tons of tattoos. I have 14, maybe 15. I have quite a few and going to Catholic church that was very frowned upon. People wouldn't even shake my hand, to be honest with you. Yeah. So, and part of the part of the mass it's to give people peace, like peace be with you. And you shake people's hands and they'd be like, oh, it's okay, peace be with you, I promise I don't have cooties.
Demetrius:That was a COVID thing.
Denisse:That was pre-COVID, so that was COVID. It wasn't an excuse yet. So when I saw that video, I was just like and then, of course, words, of course the, the, the words to the video and just what it represented. You know, I, I, I was immediately, I was hooked. I then, of course, it gives you more elevation worship songs. And then came the blessing and I was like, oh my God, I love that song. And then it just and I started watching the sermons and the way that our pastor preaches.
Denisse:I don't know, it's just, there's something about it that is very frank and very forward and I feel like he talks about his own flaws and I can appreciate that as a parent that messes up. Talking about. You know how we we're humans. At the end of the day, coming to God doesn't mean you have to come clean and you have to be perfect. You don't go to the hospital because you're well. You go to the hospital because you're sick, right? So it's the same thing with church.
Denisse:I think so many of us have this perception of like well, when I get myself together, I'll go, and it's like well, no, that's the whole point. The Lord wants you now. He doesn't want you when you're well, he wants to use you now because you can help others with what you're going through. He didn't pick in the Bible. He didn't pick perfect people, that's for sure. So I was immediately just loving what they stand for, was immediately, just, you know, loving what they stand for, what they do. And and then, being on campus, I serve in the kids ministry, so I just I, I'm thankful, I do feel a sense of purpose with that and I do feel like he's leading me in a way of kind of doing my little part, I guess, because it's not like you're saving the world, but even if you change somebody's life, it's still very significant.
Demetrius:Exactly. Yeah, I was about to say a little bit to us, but maybe a lot to somebody else, right?
Denisse:Yeah, sure.
Demetrius:So then I have more questions about the church and I think there's like a bible study group that you're part of, but I'll get to that in a second, I believe. But kind of rewinding back before getting to that um you were mentioning about, you know, your son, like shared custody. Uh, I'm trying to get people that are probably in the same boat, probably listening, um, that are, like you know, in that tough situation of, yeah, I don't know how I'm gonna get through this. I didn't plan on having to have shared custody. I thought I was going to be the person I was going to be with forever and now going into this, how did that process go with getting shared custody and how did you find your way of calming yourself down through the process? There's a lot to have to deal with.
Denisse:It's a lot and I think it's funny because I have two completely different scenarios with each of my children. So my son's father and I, we were on and off for six and a half years and then, when my son turned five, it was kind of like we're done, done, I can't keep doing this and we went through a rough patch, because there's feelings, there are emotions, you know, but the difference I feel like with his dad and I was that we never lost sight of what was important, which was my son's wellbeing, and I think that's what a lot of times we get so caught up in our own feelings and our own emotions that we forget about that. Um, and as much as that person hurts you, at the end of the day, what's best, the best interest of the child, is really what should be important. So we had a difficult in the sense of like. We didn't like each other for a minute. However, you know, my son had football and basketball and baseball. We had to, we had to be cord. And baseball. We had to, we had to be cordial. We had to didn't mean we had to get along, we had to like, be perfect with each other, just had to be that we had to be present and we had to make sure that, as parents, we were showing him that, even if we're not together, we're still going to be here for you. And I think, like having that as a focus is really important, because he's one of, like, my best friends and we're having a talk all the time um, especially football, because people football. But just even with it, when if I'm having a family situation, I do come up and be like, can you believe this? I'm a 30? Like oh, I came out, you know. So it does get to the point where it does get better at least for us it did and also understanding that this is family forever.
Denisse:Whoever said at 18 years old, you're done, that's a straight lie. So, having to first take that expectation out of the equation, you're not done at 18. Actually and somebody told me this when my son was younger and I never understood it till, of course, he was older but somebody said to me like little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Amen to that. So you need that other parent there more than ever because you're a team, and that's another thing. So, like if it wasn't for his dad being my counterpart, I honestly think my son would walk all over me because that's my boo, that's my boy. Him and I were riding together for 10 years, by ourselves, you know, and so as he got older, I needed that father figure to be there for him and put him in his place because he could walk all over me. And if you don't have that, that understanding, I think the child kids are smart they will use that to their advantage and they're going to use that against each other. They'll put you guys against each other. So if you don't have at least that common ground in saying when there's an issue, I'll be like listen, listen. After work you need to come here, we need to talk to Abdul, and he'd be right there.
Denisse:That was really crucial, I think, at least for us to continue to parent, and, thank God, we agreed on mostly everything, like when it came to a lot of the situations that we had with our son, lot of the situations that we had with our son. Um, then, on the other spectrum of the of the situation, like my daughter's father. She hasn't seen him since she's a year old. So then it's like me, myself and I, in the sense of like, when there is a difficult situation, I'm like I can't call her dad and be like, listen, after, after work, you need to come in. We got to talk to her Like I got to figure it out by myself and on top of that it's a girl, so it's like it's a lot.
Denisse:But I think, again, it's making sure that, regardless of what you and that other person are going through, that has to stand separate when it comes to what's the best interest for your child and maintain it as normal as possible. You know what I mean, like continuing to okay the schedule of the school and the sports and and whatever the kids are currently doing, and knowing that at some point it does get a little better and easier. And and family and and again, it's not just you and the dad, it's the families. Like his family is my family, my family is his family. We do holidays together, you know it's. You know birthdays getting to a point where, at the end of the day, kids kids are really what's important, not your feelings and emotions. We're adults are really what's important, not your feelings and emotions. We're adults.
Demetrius:We can suck it up a little bit and you know, move it, move on with with our what we're feeling yeah, it's a shift of focus, right, and so then now fast forward to how old is your daughter, by the way?
Demetrius:she's 10 10, okay, 10, and so moving forward to, and correct me if I'm wrong, because this is me trying to do my homework on you right as best I can. So you have and I think you may have mentioned this to me actually now that I think about it so there is a. Is there a Bible study group that you have for single parents? Can you talk to me more about that?
Denisse:Yes, so our church does what we call e-groups and they're just Bible study groups that just volunteers choose to do, and it could be anything. It can be couples, it can be single people, it could be everybody, it can be families, it could be youth and it could be any topic. It can be like I have a single mom's group, but it can be marriage couples. It can be veterans, it could be veterans, it could be addicts, recovering addicts, it could be. It just depends on what that person likes, what, what group they want to lead, what, what, what the audience is. So I just start one it'll be three years in June single, single moms, no matter the age, because, like I said, little you need help, big you need help. So I have, and mine's online. So we have. Our church has about, I want to say, 20 campuses, so you can either do it in person group, where you meet at somebody's home, or at church, but mine's online because we have people all over, not just the US but the world. So mine is online on Wednesdays and normally what we do is we'll watch the sermon on a Sunday and we'll discuss it, or we do bible. We do like either bible studies or even book studies. We've done like different book studies, that on self-help, on just different different like things. So we talk about how, whether it's honestly like a sisterhood and I feel like you do as a single parent you need a community of people that are going to be there for you. I call it my village. I call my village because it's not just a family for a person, it's not a, it's literally like you need people like, especially, you know, if you're working late and somebody needs to go pick up your child, like you know his auntie, uncle or a cousin somebody, and, uh, with our group because we're online, you know, a lot of times it's just more like asking for prayer or kind of opening up in a group, talking about what we're going through and everybody kind of giving advice. But and again, it's more just for safe space for us to share what we're going through and how we can come together and support that person at that time, whether again it'd be prayer or if she's like know what do I do or what should be my next step or how should I handle this, so advice or whatever. But again I like the fact that it's judgment-free zone, just a safe space to talk about what you're going through, your feelings and emotions, and not just because there's a bible group saying like, oh my gosh, like it's been a great week and it's just amazing and our life's great and you know, we love the lord and we're blessed, we are.
Denisse:But guess what? Last week my son had a fight with me, like you know, talking about the moms, like my son fought with me and his girlfriend and they left the home, and talking about real life situations and real life feelings and real life scenarios. You know, and just, I think you need that so much and especially with the whole COVID thing, I think we lack so much of that support in that human side of the situations that we go through. And the more you isolate, the worse it is. And I have girls from all over, like I have a girl from Canada, I have a person from South America, but I have Florida, texas, new York, pa, kentucky, connecticut. Do I have a Tennessee? I used to have a Tennessee. So it's, it's all over, yeah, and it's, it's just wonderful to like, no matter what background, I have all kinds of backgrounds, like I have black, white, hispanic, um, younger, older, uh, little kids, big kids, adult kids, um, it doesn't, it doesn't matter, you still need, like you need, each other a lot of times definitely so.
Demetrius:Somebody listening now, that's like that sounds amazing. I needed not necessarily an outlet, but, like you're saying, a village. How can somebody find you guys?
Denisse:um, do you have a website, youtube, anything like that, that they can reach out to email, anything like that normally so we have through the church um, on the church website there's a area that says e-groups and that's normally where you go. You click on that and again it narrows it from male, female. There's men's groups too, um, and then, like mine, would be women's, and then it'll just it'll have a listing of what groups and they're all different dates, different times and different needs. So that's normally what happens. You can go on the elevationcom website and then you'll see e-groups. It'll say they have like church community. It'll say church community, go to e-groups and then you'll see the group on there listed.
Denisse:But again, it might as well be on Wednesdays, but there's Saturdays, sunday, on Tuesday, on a Monday it could be 11 am or it can be, you know, or stay-at-home moms, it can be on a Tuesday at 10 am, you know. So that's normally how people would be able to find a community. Even our church does what they call pop--ups too. So even if there's areas in the church that there's not a location per se, they go and visit and do a weekend church pop-up, um, so, because my co-leader actually lives in PA, she's one of my best friends, um, and she's still in the Lehigh Valley area, so yeah, it's better up here.
Denisse:I don't know about all that.
Demetrius:I have family in North Carolina, like the Rocky Mountain area, yeah, so I think that's North. I forget if it's North or South. It's been a while I have to go.
Denisse:I think it's Northern because Charlotte's really we're like 30 minutes from South Carolina. Well, at least where I'm at, I'm like 25 minutes from South Carolina. Okay, well, at least where I'm at, I'm like 25 minutes from South Carolina. So it's kind of like in Bethlehem you're close to Jersey, like Phillipsburg, kind of like that.
Demetrius:So we're more south.
Denisse:Yeah, we're more south.
Demetrius:So then, okay, so I'm going to break it up a little bit. As far as parents are concerned, I am a big foodie, right. So I like um, I like eating, I like good food, um, and I so I had a quote that I heard once from a movie, uh, and it talked about um, you know how, like eating pie, like it's like okay, well, why don't you eat pie? I have this, this, this to do, I don't have time to sit down, I don't have time to kind of break this up. I have I'm, I'm busy, I can't do that. But they say, when you sit down and you actually eat pie or you just eat, just calm yourself down, you separate yourself from the situation and you get to time to think, reflect your thoughts, and it doesn't have to be food, but for me it's food, um.
Denisse:So I'm a foodie too, yeah what?
Demetrius:what's your favorite food, um, that you like to eat?
Denisse:that kind of chills you out and comes you know it's tough because I like all kinds of food but chips and salsa chips and salsa okay chips and like if my friends and I have had a tough week or or we haven't seen each other in a minute and we're like we need a date, we're definitely going to a Mexican restaurant because we're gonna sit and we're gonna have some chips and salsa and some tacos and that just like winds me down, like throw me some chips and guac. I'm a happy girl that's awesome.
Demetrius:Is there a particular place you like going to? Uh took a spot're like, oh no, we gotta go.
Denisse:That's my spot, we gotta go there so, okay, in the south here there's tons of places like all over the place that I mean there's tons, um, but there's, there's actually a place by the church, um, it's called la victoria and it's literally across from church and half the time, like we got to the point where we're going like every other week right after church because we would serve, so we'd be there all day like serving and whatever. So just to unwind we'd go to the point where my daughter is so sick of it, like she's, she's like we're not, we're not going there again. I'm sorry, sorry, and she likes the food. It's not that she don't like the food.
Demetrius:Right.
Denisse:She's like mom. My parents were here about a month ago and I was like, after church, we got to go there. And she like she's, she's oblivious to what, excuse me? So we're after church, we go there, and she gets out the door. She's like, oh no, not again, mom, I'm like I haven't been here like two months. First of all, she's like mom, come on, so I love me some italian food. I love me, of course, hispanic food, um, but, but get, bring on, bring on the chips and salsa and take me to mexican restaurant. I'm happy that's awesome.
Demetrius:Yeah, I'm gonna eat your chips and guac.
Denisse:Okay, all right, um, yes love that, love, love and some queso, a good queso oh yeah, I'll take that any day of the week uh, maybe you'll go this sunday, oh I don't think my daughter's gonna be be happy with that. No, mom, you promised People are not going to come in the video. I have some.
Demetrius:I think it's only like two questions this time. Usually I have like three or more or so, but these are questions I pulled online that has to do with parenting or something similar, like just asking certain guests about you know these questions just to kind of help the person out, whether it be a parent, or sometimes even kids will be like oh, I don't like my mom because she did this um, and it's like all right, calm down, you're still a kid. So it's good to kind of like maybe give some feedback, whether they read it or not. I've had some in the past where I posted literally right after a podcast and people were answering like silly questions, but she was happy that I was able to give an actual, concrete, like thoughtful answer. Yeah me the guest, though, so I like just doing that every so often. So do you mind if I ask these?
Demetrius:I think it's too no, not at all um, okay, so this one is saying that should parents or other family members not before coming into a 17 year old's room? Now I didn't say who the question is from, whether it be the kid or the parent, but just in general, at that age where it's like, all right, you're not an adult, you know, but you're a teen, you know you want to be respectful of the kids, but also, I know certain parents are this is my house, I'll open the door, whatever if I. Uh, whether you like it or not, how do you feel about something like that? If a 17-year-old, would you knock, or are you just like? You know what? I don't care, it's my place. What do you think?
Denisse:I do think I do knock For my son. I did knock. After a certain age he wants his privacy, which is understandable. Now, I didn't grow up with that privilege. But, yes, I do believe that they do deserve a certain amount of privacy because they're growing. They're growing, they're changing.
Denisse:It's weird, especially now, in the world that we live in today, it's so difficult to be a child. The world that we live in today, it's so difficult to be a child, especially with all the access they have. They have you know. I do think that it's just respectful and I think, again, they go through so much Like kindness starts at home.
Denisse:If we're not kind to our children and we're not showing them that we support them and we love them and we're here to them, what, what, what they expect outside of the home, you know, and and and how this was to come to us and trust us and open up to us, if we can't even give them just a simple request of knocking on a door before we come in.
Denisse:So I do believe that I think that's such a minimum thing and unless you know they've broken your trust many times, then setting those boundaries ahead of time, saying listen, unfortunately, because you've done X, y and Z. I can't trust you with the door closed, so you're going to have to leave your door open and, unfortunately, until you prove that you can be trusted, then we gonna have to build up to that. But otherwise, I think, you know, I think that's the minimum we can do it's not gonna do her. I mean, I don't have privacy, not even in the bathroom half the time with my daughter and even, I think, when my son was home. But in a dog there's zero privacy and so, um, I I do think that we, that we can knock on the door, it's not a problem.
Demetrius:Yeah, it's not a problem at all. I feel the same way. So, and one more question here so I'm not phrasing it in the way the person phrased it, but in layman's terms what? So this person's mom doesn't want him to move, him or her to move out? How do you make it easier for the parent?
Denisse:when person's finally leaving the nest that's hard, um, I'll say, because, I mean, my son went to college. Um, I moved and that was tough for me. To leave him, even though I knew he was going to college, still felt like um and I hate to use the word abandoned, cause I didn't, but it felt that way and, um, I think he may have felt that way. He just will never say that to me, um, but I think it's very important, at least for me. We have to transition our relationship from us being the main person in their life and giving them all these directions like no, you got to do this, you got to do that to you know they're young adults. You know they're young people that are learning their way through life, so they're not little babies anymore.
Denisse:So I think now I'm not saying it's an easy transition, because I'm still in the process of learning and I tell my son all the time I think transparency is very important, Sitting with your child and talking to them. There's nothing wrong with feelings and emotions and I think that we try to be. At least for me it was like super woman, super super mom. I'll do it all and I'll just keep my feelings hidden and I'll just die inside. Cool, great. No, I think our children need to see you know us being vulnerable and being transparent and being honest and truthful, because that's what we expect of them too. So we expect for them to tell us the truth and tell us how they feel and count on us, but yet we're not accepting that of ourselves, which doesn't make any sense. But so for me at least. You know I've had many conversations with my son when he visits, like you know, like it's so hard. But if they're 18 and they're moving out or they're 20, guess what? They don't have to include you in anything. They don't have to tell you a darn thing. So at least if you're again being open and honest with them, you're at least opening that door for them to do the same with you and and just reassuring them that whenever they need, or if they just need a, you know somebody to talk to or your door's always gonna be open.
Denisse:And I always say that to my son, like, if you want to, I would love for you to be with me here, but they have to make their own decisions, so you also have to let them fly and let them fall and get back up. Doesn't mean you're not gonna be there for them. But I do think honesty, transparency and also just love, love and care and understanding, because I love my parents to death. They're wonderful parents, but they think I'm still 12 years old, you know. So, like I think, now they're getting to the point where it's like I got to let them make their own decisions and well, yeah, thank God, I'm like 47 years old now. But so it's like you know, I think the sooner you get to that where you're like, all right, they're, they're an adult. So, regardless of what I say or do, they're going to do what they want to do.
Denisse:But at least if I make sure that I tell them that I love them and I'm here, no matter what, I always tell my son and my daughter my love for you will never change. My love is never going to be wavered. I will never stop loving you. Now, I may not agree with your decisions. I may not agree with a lifestyle choice or things that you will do or won't do, but that will never change the love that I have for you.
Denisse:I may be hurt, something may disappoint me or whatever, but just know that my love will never change. I'm always going to love you, regardless Whether you want me to be in your life or not, I always going to love you, regardless. Whether you want me to be in your life or not, I'm going to love you. So also, I think, reassuring our kids that again, we're somebody that you can count on, we're going to be here. I think that's so important because, again, not my parent, my parents didn't, you know, mean any ill will anything, but I think our kids need to hear that from us parents. They need to hear that we love them and that we're here for them, and sometimes that makes a huge difference. And also, maybe at some point, if they're making a wrong choice like I remember mom said this It'll come to them at some point.
Demetrius:Yes, you know, I always say that there's some things that I didn't really think about or care about until I got older and I'm like, oh, that's what they're talking about, and I try hard with my own son to try to, you know, say stuff, but if he's not taking to it, it's like I don't take offense, it's like he'll give it a few years, you know. Then you know they have to have their own experiences to kind of know what we're saying. What does that even mean?
Denisse:And something that we say in our group all the time, because we have to remind ourselves. We always joke around and we always say and I think they even up the age, if I'm not mistaken, but we always joke around we say our children's brain is not fully developed until they're 25 years old.
Demetrius:Yeah, yep.
Denisse:Right, so my son's 20. Okay, so a lot of the stuff that he's doing, dumb decisions. Guess what? One, I probably did it. And two, his brain is not fully developed. So, unfortunately, right, we still have to continue to nurture and love and teach, and so we always joke around with that like gotta go back to. They're not fully developed. I have to have patience and understanding and, um, and even if they're older, like we just have to as parents. We were put in their lives for a reason and one of those is to love and respect them and care for them, no matter what the situation is.
Demetrius:So yeah, the development thing. Yeah, I've heard. I forget what the age is too, but that's why I think they're saying like males 27.
Denisse:I'm like, oh gosh, I'm going to have to wait more than that. Like, please no. I mean not that my son's like battered, he's wonderful. Like listen, he's amazing. And I just joke around with him like the whole grandparent thing. I'm like I know you're old enough, but mama don't want to be a grandma yet. I'm like listen, I'm just trying to be unrealistic, you know what I'm saying? Like he's 20. He can technically Right, so we joke around. I'm like please don't, Please don't Resist the urge Resist no.
Denisse:And he gets upset when he's like really, mom, like that's what you wanted to talk to me about, like I'm not even.
Demetrius:I'm like I'm just saying exactly, just say you can do what you want, just say, um, all right. So those are the questions. I don't get how you had to, but, um, there's a question I usually ask, just in general for all the guests that I talk to, which is um, if you were to go back in time, knowing what you know now you talk, you see your younger self he's hey, hold up real quick, I have something to tell you. What would you tell your younger self about? Maybe any changes you would make, any thoughts, feelings, things to do? Would you tell yourself to do anything differently if you had to go back in time and do it again?
Denisse:Yes, I think something we talk about a lot in our group is healing.
Denisse:Um, something we talk about a lot in our group is healing.
Denisse:I think, um, a lot of the mistakes I I made with with relationships, or just you know the way that I I kind of even just kind of the relationship I had with my daughter's dad, I didn't, I didn't heal myself after a breakup.
Denisse:I didn't heal myself after a breakup. I didn't let my heart go through a grieving process and a time of finding who I really was and who I should be, and kind of jumping from one relationship to another and things like that. And I think I would definitely tell myself that I would definitely have God at the center of my heart a lot sooner because I would have probably less heartache. But just also, I think just healing because you find out so much when you have the time to be nurtured and counseling really helped me a lot to kind of we go through so many childhood things that we don't uh correlate with how we act as adults um, so just kind of just healing open wounds and and things that happened in the past I definitely would tell myself that and again, my relationship was bad, because I feel like if I didn't do it my way, I probably would have had a little bit less painful life.
Demetrius:Just a little bit.
Denisse:Just a little bit. I think a lot, but we're here now.
Demetrius:So that's a wrap for this episode of the Hangry Parent Podcast. If you're interested in learning more information about Elevation Church, links can be found in the description of this episode, along with links to our own podcast social media sites. Thanks for listening.