Therapist Unplugged
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Therapist Unplugged
Valentine’s Day, Your Way
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What if Valentine’s Day didn’t have to feel like a performance?
In this episode of Therapist Unplugged, Laurie Poole is joined by therapist and colleague Heather Caballero to rethink a holiday that often brings more pressure than connection. Together, they explore how early memories, social comparison, and cultural expectations can quietly shape how we experience February 14th.
Instead of defaulting to crowded restaurants or obligatory gestures, Laurie and Heather talk about designing a day that actually fits your life. From honoring your love language to widening the circle beyond romantic partners, this conversation offers permission to celebrate connection in ways that feel steady, personal, and real.
Whether you’re partnered, single, somewhere in between, or simply tired of the Hallmark script, this episode invites you to make Valentine’s Day your way.
🎙️ Therapist Unplugged is produced by The Montfort Group, a boutique therapy practice based in Plano, Texas, helping individuals, couples, and families build emotionally intelligent, connected lives.
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Welcome everybody to Therapist Unplugged. And today's unscripted episode is all about Valentine's Day with my friend and colleague Heather Caballero. And uh we're gonna call it what are we gonna call it? We are going to call it love without the script. This is a time of year, first of all, February is national heart month, right? Like the American Heart Association has identified February. And also National Black History Month as well. Thank you very much. It certainly is. And um and on top of that, all we have Valentine's Day. And not that um hearts and black history and love and Valentine's Day should at any point be sort of um compared one to the other. I guess one could, but anyway, for the purpose of this episode, it all came about because we were talking about Valentine's Day, and uh it is not always a very happy celebratory kind of a day for people. And so we thought, okay, well, what can we talk about in terms of celebrating Valentine's Day a little bit differently? Um, and I know Heather, you have an unconventional uh view or relationship with Valentine's Day. So I'm just gonna read this little intro and then let's just dig in. Sounds good. Okay, Valentine's Day tends to tell a very narrow story about what love should look like: romantic partner, big gestures, public proof. But real love is messier, quieter, and more personal. This episode invites listeners to question the script and design a day that actually fits their life, relationships, and seasons. And so, with that, Heather, why don't you kick us off and share a little bit about what your unconventional relationship with Valentine's Day is like?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, so um I should start by saying that Valentine's Day, ever since I was little, has always been one of my absolute favorite holidays. I love Valentine's Day. Um, and I I was never really dating um all through middle school, high school. Um so I was never dating someone during Valentine's Day. And I feel like I was constantly around like a lot of narrative and response from like my peers, kind of being like, oh, like if you aren't dating someone, then it's a sad holiday, or like, what's the point of the day? Um I feel like even then in high school, there was a particularly like polarizing stance on it. It was either kind of a day to like show off that you were in a relationship or to kind of lament that you weren't. Um and so me being someone who was like really excited for Valentine's Day and single was was rare. Um but I I this has stuck with me like forever. Um, but I would I would always do things like bring chocolates and I'm just like passing them out to all my friends, giving like gifts and cookies to like the people I'm close to. To me, it was almost like a um like you know how birthdays are a day that you can just like really like celebrate a person that you care about. To me, Valentine's Day was almost like a bonus birthday for all the people that I love. It was just kind of like a day that you could celebrate the fact that they're in your life. Right. Um and so, you know, I'm I'm a gifty person. So I'm like bringing chocolate around, I'm passing it around to friends and acquaintances at school. And um, I remember one of my acquaintances, um, someone I wasn't particularly close to, but we would like chat, um being like, Oh, I've never gotten chocolate on Valentine's Day before. Like that was that was a first for him. And like he was so touched by it, even though it wasn't a romantic gesture. It was just like someone thought of me and like gave me something. And like, yeah, and that was just like a really powerful moment. And I've always remembered that. Um, because to me it was almost like a simple casual routine, but it made an impact. Um and then I mean, even when I was in a relationship, um I I pretty much waitressed all through college and grad school. So Valentine's Day was a very busy work night. Um and so we we never ever celebrated Valentine's Day on the day. Um, and it was like a hot button topic for people to kind of be like, oh, what are you doing for Valentine's Day, like kind of thing. Um and so even the times, like I feel like I would be like, Oh, I'm working. They'd be like, Oh, poor you, like kind of thing about it. Um but honestly, even even when we're not working, like on Valentine's Day night, my my husband and I, we loathe going out on Valentine's Day because we hate crowds. So we're like, not for us outside the day is gonna be how we do it forever. But um, but I do remember there being this like external feeling of pressure of like, yeah, you should have plans on Valentine's Day to like for me to believe that you're in a good relationship.
Laurie Poole:Right.
SPEAKER_02:And I I always found that really interesting.
Laurie Poole:It is interesting because when you think about it, it's a hallmarky kind of a day. I grew up in an era where there were, for example, at high in elementary school, there would be a big box at the front of the classroom, and all the kids would put their Valentine's cards in. And, you know, you could see who got some cards, who got a lot of cards, who didn't get many cards. It was it was really quite a heartbreaking exercise, to be honest with you. Um, and so I think that uh Valentine's Day has both negative and positive connotations. But I wonder if it is really about um thinking about connection more than it is the expression of love, but connecting with people like that person who you gave chocolate to who had never received chocolate on Valentine's Day. It's just a kind of way of affirming whether it's with, you know, as a woman going out with your girlfriends or inviting people over for dinner. I think there's so many different ways to um rethink Valentine's in a way that doesn't have to be associated with, oh, if I don't have a significant other, then I miss out on celebrating the day, or there's something wrong with me, or there's a sense of of uh shame or embarrassment. Um because not ever and and you know what frankly, not everybody wants to celebrate it, and that's okay. Like honestly, at the end of the day, couldn't Valentine's Day be every day? Isn't it isn't it sort of a reminder of sharing with people that you care about them, that you acknowledge them, that um you know you do something maybe a little extra to let them know that they mean something to you, regardless of gender, but that this is just how we how we connect with and express ourselves with loved ones or people that we genuinely care about, whether it's co-workers or or friends or family or what have you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. I think I really like sort of the point of celebrating it in a way that works for you. Um, because it's it's kind of like, you know, everyone's wedding looks different based on what's personal and valuable to them. But it also it kind of reminds me a little bit about how I feel about New Year's. Um because like it's it's kind of like you said, like it could be every day, right? But um, but I think similarly about New Year's in the sense that like the like re-upping of goals that New Year's kind of gives us, the refocusing. We I think tend to thrive on having some kind of ritual, um, some kind of something that turns us back to things that maybe we've forgotten about or let go onto the back burner. Um, and like I think everyone has different opinions about how useful it is for them to like make that a priority every year, um, or to kind of like make that holiday the time that they do that. Um, but I do think that at its best, what Valentine's Day is does for people is that it kind of helps turn attention back towards the love that's in their life, whether that's romantic or platonic or otherwise. Um just kind of to say, like, hey, this thing, have you been paying attention to this? I do think that all like on the other side of that, at its worst, it can feel like an obligation of like checking off a box of I have done the proof, the things that like we can tell our friends that we did, um, kind of thing. Um, and I I am interested always when I'm when I'm working with clients or like really thinking about it in general, to be like, how can I turn towards the pieces that are what it's trying to put forward at its best?
Laurie Poole:Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's I think I think that's very, very fair. Um, what kinds of how have you celebrated in the past? Like I'm trying to think of, you know, are there ways to celebrate Valentine's Day? And I'm like flipping around here. Um you know, for people who want to celebrate Valentine's Day their way. Um are there ways that that you and maybe your husband have celebrated or you've celebrated with other friends that are maybe a little bit outside the box or something a little different? You're laughing. Okay, tell me.
SPEAKER_02:So actually, now this is I'm pretty sure it was our very first Valentine's Day together. Um, this this is a whole separate story, but the the footnote is that um I'd had like a really stressful event happen that morning. Um and I was I was kind of in like a bad mental space. Um uh my partner was too. And so we we were just kind of like, all right, we just need to like get out of this space with my roommates, um, kind of thing. And we're like driving around, we're like, what can we do? We end up at um a Best Buy, just like looking around. Um and Josh, he picks up the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Um, and we end up going somewhere to watch it. And it was just kind of like uh, all right, we're purposefully trying to like tune out all the stress and like just this is a super silly movie, just trying to like lift our spirits. Um and that ended up being like becoming um a Valentine's Day tradition for us, where every year we're like, we've got to rewatch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A classic. Because I I think for me it's a reminder of like really how we would make the best of a bad situation together. Um, and that's that's something I really value. And also it feels like a silly little tradition, but not usually what people associate with things like Valentine's Day, right?
Laurie Poole:Exactly. Exactly. You know, I think too that um, you know, people will say, um, oh, you know, take care of yourself, like do things for yourself that you might do with a significant other. You know, have a nice dinner, pour a glass of wine, buy yourself some flowers. But I love the idea too of those sort of off the what's the word I'm looking for, not the norm, off the beaten path type of traditions. And and also maybe something else to think about is how do you express love and appreciation for someone who maybe doesn't get a lot of it? You know, um, and and I think we can all think of people in our lives who probably who we think might be a little bit lonely or who are missing family, you know, live in a city where they don't know a lot of people, uh, that kind of thing. Uh, maybe doing like a potluck dinner where everybody brings food that they love, you know, um, or maybe you have a chocolate themed something or other, or a red-themed something or other in food and desserts, or a game night. Um I think those kinds of things and experiences, uh, activities can really make a big difference, just to do something that is not associated with the tradition of Valentine's.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And I think the question I'd love to have people kind of ask themselves as they're looking to try and celebrate Valentine's Day in a way that fits for them. Um, and you know, I return to this metaphor all the time that to me, it's almost like getting to celebrate a birthday for all the people I love at once. It's kind of like uh if we take away the association, um, all the connotations that come with Valentine's Day and just say, like, hey, what would you want to do for yourself on your birthday? Or like, what would what if you and all your friends shared a birthday? Like, what would you guys want to do together to just like get together and celebrate each other? Um and I think that sometimes that helps reframe it just the teensiest bit. Um, and hopefully help bring forward the like, what what would make you feel good?
Laurie Poole:Yes, no, exactly. And I think, you know, what you're saying too is it's the celebration of connection and camaraderie. And it doesn't have to be a heterosexual romantic partner, which is the traditional view of Valentine's, right? It it doesn't have to be that way. It can be an expression of love for people with whom you have relationships or who you have a special uh connection with. And if maybe we reframe it that way, including, by the way, the connection with yourself. Yeah. Maybe it's an indulgent, like, you know, a bottle of wine and binge watching uh, you know, I don't know, your favorite movies with your favorite actor or something. I mean, there could be a lot of things that that one could do uh that that just feels very comforting and relaxing and uh celebratory.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And it's like, I think one of the things too that I tend to hear that is like a negative side of Valentine's Day for a lot of people is the feeling that, like, oh, gifting is required. Um that like giving things like chocolates and flowers and plushies and stuff, that that's that's a part of it. And I think the question comes down to like, are you someone who naturally wants to show love with gifts? Because usually I find that some people who love gifts on Valentine's Day, they tend to be the people who just love gifts as shows of love. And the people who feel negatively about it, it's because they feel pressured to try and show love in a language that isn't native.
Laurie Poole:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And so I think kind of giving yourself permission to be like, what love language does feel most accurate? Is it words? How can I really show with my words that I love myself, that I love my friends, that I love my partner? How can I lean into quality time or acts of service or whatever it may be? Um, and just kind of let that language that is yours and your partners shine more so than the narrative of this is the way you show love on Valentine's Day.
Laurie Poole:Right. Yeah, I think you raise a really good point about the love languages. I mean, if there was ever a time of year that it's appropriate, it's like, what is it that makes you feel the most loved? What is the kind of love you like to share? Yeah. You know, and for those uh listeners who uh may be unfamiliar with what we're referring to, there is a book called The Five Love Languages that most couples come into my office quoting. And uh it's become part of the, I guess, the the common descriptors that people use about how they want to be loved and how they show love. But I mean, there's some there's some really good stuff in there. Well, I think I think the the main theme of this episode is do Valentine's Day your way, whatever that means for you. Try not to succumb to the pressure of it should be this, it could be that. But let's look at what is. Who do you want to have around you? Maybe you don't want anybody, maybe it's your cat, a good, a good book and a blanket and a glass of wine or a cup of tea. Maybe it's lying in bed for the day, maybe it's never getting out of your pajamas. Like, who knows? But I think that we can we that the message here is do it your way and stay away from negative self-talk about what you think it should be. Just enjoy the day.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And I think one tiny tidbit I want to tack on as well is that like, and this comes back to, I think for me, sometimes the like people constantly asking, like, what are your plans for Valentine's Day? Or what did you do for Valentine's Day? Um, and it can feel sometimes like if your plan that is what you want is a good book with a blanket and your cat kind of thing, that like other people will look down on that. And so the one tip I would give just for being able to have that conversation and still feel um like you're coming from a place of like, yeah, I'm I'm proud of this and I enjoy this, to really start off with like, oh, I had a great time. This is what I did and I needed it, kind of thing. Or like, oh, I'm really looking forward to it. Lead with that because it's it's hard for people to then be like, oh, you poor thing, or like that sounds like a bad time. Maybe they'll be like, not what I would do. And that's fine because they're a different person.
Laurie Poole:But um, or they'll be relieved, or or they'll be relieved. Sorry to interrupt you, Haven. No, you're fine. I was just gonna say, or they'll be relieved to know that you're gonna do exactly what you want to do. Yeah, yeah. I am gonna have a great day. I have planned a bubble bath, I've got candles lined up, I've got my best music, and I can hardly wait to get in the tub. That's how I'm celebrating uh Valentine's Day. And it's a very um, that's an ex that's that's an example of self-love when you get into a hot bath. Well, maybe not for everybody, but it's you know. Um, anyway, Heather, thank you so much for um tossing around some ideas about how we can make Valentine's Day our own. And we wish everyone out there a day of connection, warmth, and um, you know, make it a good one.
