142 - Jackie's thoughts of the day!

In episode 142 of the Long Covid Podcast, Jackie takes to the mic to explore her thoughts on Some Things, including almost 3 years since she started the podcast, why boundaries and self-care are so important and more.

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Transcript

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Hello and welcome to this episode of the Long Covid Podcast. 

I was worrying about which episode was going to be ready to go this week. I've got a few which are recorded, but I hadn't found the time to edit them yet, let alone do the transcript and the graphics and get them ready for release. There's a lot of work that goes into each episode - and I love doing it, but it does take a lot of time. Honestly, if I'd realised how much effort goes into this, I'd never have started. But I'm very glad I did.

Also it occurs to me just now that in a couple of days it will be 3 years since I started the podcast. 3 whole years. I can hardly believe it. I think when you become unwell with something like Long Covid, time tends to feel a bit weird. Certainly it did for me. Things go both really quickly and really slowly at the same time. Which shouldn't be possible, but somehow it is. 

So I'm just going to take a moment and pat myself on the back, because 3 years and this is my 142nd episode - that's quite an achievement. Firstly to do it when I was unwell. And now to continue it whilst doing a lot of other things!

What I'm finding now is that along with working, and allowing balance in my life where I'm not working, that I can easily get into this overwhelm. So instead of spending an hour working on an episode, I'll spend 2 hours trying to do several tasks and achieving nothing. All that energy, with nothing to show at the end!

So I'm trying to get better at managing my time. It's ongoing work. And I think this is kind of what I wanted to touch on today. That there's always work to be done, on ourselves. 

As a perfectionist, or a recovering perfectionist as I like to call myself, I struggle with this concept. I like the idea that one day everything will be perfect. And there will be no more self-work to be done, I'll be good. 

And I found this hard during recovery as well . There was so much. I wanted to get everything right, I wanted to get everything perfect. I wanted to do recovery perfectly. Which isn't even possible, it's such a ridiculous concept. 

And I think the problem is, that recovery is a process. We try things. Sometimes they go well, sometimes they don't. We learn by these experiences. And we get better at knowing what is working, by finding what isn't. We learn where our limits are by crossing them. We get better at pacing by being rubbish at it to start with! That's not to say we shouldn't have guidance, because that's important too. But in the end of the day it's our body. 

So for someone who wants to always be right and to always do things well, like me, this was difficult. And I gave myself a much harder time for some of the things I did (or didn't do) than I should have - because with the benefit of hindsight and greater knowledge and experience, it can often seem quite obvious what we should have done. But it wasn't at the time. 

And sometimes not - some bits are still a bit of a mystery. And I'm learning to be ok with that - we won't always have all the answers to everything. And maybe we shouldn't seek to have all the answers to everything all the time. 

So now, in this wonderful post-recovery world - is life perfect? Of course not! But generally things are balanced. I handle stress better. Or I notice when I'm not. I trust my body - maybe that's one of the biggest things. Or I respect my body. Maybe that's another thing.

I remember saying a while back, I think it was shortly after I recovered, that recovery was actually the start of the journey. Or the start of a new journey. Because of course recovery itself is a journey - one we don't want to be on, but one we have to travel none the less. 

But I think recovery is the start of a new journey - one of really learning who new me is. I like lots of things about new me. There are also plenty of things that new me is working on. Because that's part of life. There are always ways we can better ourselves - and not in an unhealthy perfectionist way. But because I think we can be better. We can be happier, we can be truer to ourselves. And I think this is something we kind of understand from this experience we've been through.

And I think I learned a lot of this during my recovery. But now, out the other side, it's given me an opportunity to go deeper into some of this, or maybe to view it through a different lens. Because the lens you look at things through when you're unwell is very different to the lens you look through when you're recovered and the world of possibility is opened to you.

So back to my issue this week. Which episode is going out? How am I going to find the time? Needing to balance out the things that needed doing - preparing a presentation for a workshop, showing up for clients and following up with that, and a few other things. But also balancing that with the things I wanted to do - getting out early for a run in the sunshine. My wonderful morning swim on Tuesday. Taking half an hour to do some yoga yesterday because I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Building my flowerbed in the garden. Sitting and watching the Olympics! Giving myself a lot more space this summer to get out there and enjoy myself.

And I think I realised that the definition of "what I needed to do" wasn't quite what I thought. Yes there were some work commitments and stuff that did need to be done. 

But also taking time for myself to do things that nourished me and gave me joy are also things that I need to do. 

So it comes to balance, my favourite word at the moment. Recognising what I want and need to do, where they overlap. And being ok with saying no to things. This week I said no to a ton of editing work, and I said yes to bearing my soul and rambling about boundaries a bit. But also that it would have been ok to take a week off as well. I think these are important lessons for all of us, wherever we are in our lives, whatever journey we are currently on. And however difficult that is.

Sometimes it can be hard - it can even seem impossible - to say no to things. But often it's important to say no to things, and say yes to ourselves. 

I think this is why I now see myself as happier, healthier and more resilient than I've ever been before. I look after my body, so my body looks after me. I've never done that before. but it feels pretty good.

And maybe it's different. It is different, of course it's different, when you're ill and when you're not. 

But I suppose my challenge to you - should you choose to accept it, and you're allowed to say no - what do you need to do today, or this week? And by need, I mean, really need. And is there a way that you can find to do that? 

It might mean asking for help. And that can feel really hard. It took me a long time to accept that it was ok to do that, and even that people liked being asked. It might take some changes in our lives - but if they allow ourselves to put ourselves first, then maybe they could be good ones? 

I think I'm finally realising that self-care, looking out for ourselves, or whatever you want to call it, isn't selfish. It's fundamental to good health. And maybe that's something to aspire to? 

I love to hear from you - there's a cool new button in the show notes called "fan mail" where you can send a text message to the podcast. I can't reply individually, but if you'd like to send feedback or ask a question then it's an easy way to do this. I've been answering the questions in short videos on my youtube channel which I'll link below. 

You can also get in touch through social media, via the website or by email - all of which are linked in the show notes too. 

I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support - whether it's financially through the coffee page, by leaving me a comment, dropping me an email or just by listening to the episodes. Maybe suggesting guests, or even being a guest. This podcast is a lot of work, but knowing that it's connecting with people and helping people makes me want to keep going because I genuinely love doing it. 

So on this almost anniversary of 3 years, it's a strange anniversary. I don't feel like I wanna celebrate. But I think I maybe just want to be grateful for the experience of the podcast, the people I've connected with through it, including my new business partner and the people it's helped. So maybe let's celebrate that, rather than the reason for it.


Take care and be good to yourself today.