206 - Ashley's Recovery Story: I Stopped Pushing, Listened To My Body, And Started To Heal

We share Ashley’s journey from bedbound to rebuilding a joyful life, showing how belief, somatic work, and gentle pacing opened a path out of long COVID. The body is not the enemy; safety, connection, and consistent practice turn symptoms from threat to guidance.

• fast pre‑illness life and early warning signs
• collapse after pushing through infection and isolation
• lack of medical answers and disbelief from clinicians
• finding recovery stories and protecting hope
• moving from trigger‑hunting to nervous system healing
• brain retraining, visualisations, somatic practices and EFT
• pacing within a true window of tolerance
• progress through consistency and self‑compassion
• redefining recovery, processing trauma and shifting limits
• life rebuilt with nature, community, creativity and work

Links:

Connect with Ashley: www.embodimentwithashley.co.uk

For more information about Long Covid Breathing courses & workshops, please check out LongCovidBreathing.com

(music credit - Brock Hewitt, Rule of Life)

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Ashley And Her Backstory
• 4:30 Early Warning Signs Before COVID
• 7:47 Infection, Pushing Through, And Collapse
• 12:17 Isolation, Disbelief, And Seeking Answers
• 17:07 Finding Hope And Recovery Narratives
• 21:17 From Treating Triggers To Nervous System Focus
• 26:22 Brain Retraining, Visualisation, And Somatics
• 31:02 Coaching, Safety, And Rapid Early Gains
• 36:24 Consistency, EFT, And Pacing With Care
• 40:44 Redefining Healing And Moving Goalposts
• 45:24 Life Rebuilt: Work, Nature, Joy
• 49:09 Final Advice: Trust Your Body’s Wisdom

Transcript

Meet Ashley And Her Backstory

Jackie Baxter 1:51

Hello and welcome to this episode of the Long COVID podcast. I am delighted to be joined today by Ashley, who is here to share her recovery story. So I always love recovery stories. It's amazing hearing what worked, what didn't, what life is like now, and it's such a great thing, isn't it, to hear that people are recovering. So it's lovely to see you today, Ashley. Thank you so much for being here.

Ashley 2:17

Hello, thank you so much for having me. It's so nice to be on here. I've followed this podcast for quite a while, so it's really exciting to be on.

Jackie Baxter 2:27

Oh, it's so fun to have you here. Um, and it's like it's so cool to have people who have listened and who are now able to come and share their own journey. Um so I love that so much. Um, so can you just start out by saying a little bit about yourself and maybe what life was like before you became unwell? Because the story usually starts back in the past, doesn't it?

Early Warning Signs Before COVID

Ashley 2:57

Yes, it does. So yeah, my life is quite different now to how it was before. So I used to live um in the city and I worked for a charity there, and my life was really quite busy. Um I was always like I'm sure a lot of people relate to this, like uh overworking and overdoing, and I was um basically just living a life like you would expect, you know, um giving my all to work and afterwards giving my all to life and to people and doing all of the things, um, and never really, I guess, taking time out for myself. So, yeah, that's kind of I guess how I see it now at the time. That's not how I saw it because I didn't even really realize, but when I look back, that's kind of how I I see myself as sort of like in a whirlwind and always on the go.

Jackie Baxter 3:57

Yeah, and like that's that's a really great image, and I I can totally relate to that as well. And you know, life was just normal, yeah, it was just what you did, and like you probably were around a whole load of other people that were living similar lives who were also in this kind of whirlwind and maybe in a slightly different way. Yes, and you know, it just it just seems seems normal, and you don't see it coming, do you?

Ashley 4:21

That's so true, yeah. Um, because I actually started to have some symptoms, not like the ones that I had when I got uh COVID, but I would have like migraines or gut issues, and I felt like I was always going to the doctor with something, and obviously these were like slight sort of signs that something was wrong, maybe like my body trying to tell me something, but I didn't ever connect that to my life, which you don't because you're just living it, and you just wanna you're kind of stuck in the the cycle of keeping going, keeping going, and you want to just keep doing all the things. Um, but reflecting now I can see that there were like early warning signs there that something wasn't wasn't quite right.

Jackie Baxter 5:09

Yeah, and again, you know, that's the sort of thing that the benefit of hindsight gives you, I suppose, doesn't it? You know, at the time it was you know probably more of an inconvenience than a sort of something that stopped your life from existing in the way that you wanted it to.

Ashley 5:24

That's exactly it, yeah. It felt like how can I just get rid of this quickly so I can get back to being busy?

Jackie Baxter 5:34

Yes, ah, you're a fixer, you're just like me.

Ashley 5:38

Yeah, um, so that's kind of I mean, I and don't get me wrong, um, like I lit lived like such a full life, and I think I would have considered myself to be really happy. I guess it's only when you look back that you realize that it's almost, I guess, like you're masking, you know, your way through life, like you're doing all the things you think you should, and that should make you happy. So you're almost like I was almost convincing myself that the way I was living was was right for me because it was kind of the way that I'd always thought that I should live, if that makes sense.

Infection, Pushing Through, And Collapse

Jackie Baxter 6:15

Yeah, it absolutely does, and I think it it takes something dramatic to happen, and your perspective can change quite dramatically. Um, but you know, as you say at the time, it's it's what you do and it's what what you want or what you feel like you want, or um you know, it it just is, isn't it? You don't really question it. Certainly that was my experience. Um it just it just is this life. Um and uh absolutely so what kind of happened when you became unwell? Um can you talk us through that kind of initial illness and then maybe how it progressed towards being longer term?

Ashley 7:03

Yeah, so actually what happened was that at the start of lockdown, um for the first few weeks, I was actually really adapting to a quieter life, and I know obviously it was obviously so awful in so many ways, but there was this part of me that felt so relieved because I was working at home, and you know, I didn't have to actually do much, or or kind of all the things I've been doing before kind of fell away, and that felt really good initially, but then within even like a couple of weeks, I actually got COVID, and that's just when everything started to to change dramatically. And after it, I wasn't I would say severe, um it kind of started off like I just wasn't getting better, you know. These symptoms that I had, they weren't uh I wasn't recovering in the way that you normally would expect to when you get a virus, but over time, rather than I I was trying to push, like I was trying to push to get better, and I'm sure a lot of us relate to that idea that again I just want to get rid of it so I can go back to my old life, and the more that I tried and the more that I pushed, the worse it got. And after a few months, I was um like completely bedbarmed, I was unable to do anything, like I couldn't walk more than a few metres, and my family had to help me with everything. I couldn't even really talk um or or even to just do anything for myself, really. So it got to the point where it was like rock bottom, I guess, but that took months of trying to force myself out of it, and ultimately my poor body was like you know, just there for me, I guess, all along, saying like this isn't the way out. Um, and sadly, you know, it just got wasn't wasn't obviously that was just a really awful thing when you don't know what's happening and you're trying so hard to get better, but you're not.

Isolation, Disbelief, And Seeking Answers

Jackie Baxter 9:55

Yeah, it sounds like your timeline is reasonably aligned with mine because I was March 2020, um, so you were sort of quite a similar timeline, and like one of the things that I found at the time was I mean, obviously it was a very unsettling time for everybody. Um, and then you know, you get sick with the one thing that we're being told we have to avoid. Um, so there's that extra level of you know terror, I suppose. Um, and then you know, the the lack of any medical care because you're not sick enough. Um, you know, the threshold for hospitalization, for example, was so high. And even for getting hold of a doctor on the phone, it was very, very difficult, certainly, for me to do that. And any advice I was getting, well, was the wrong one as it turned out, which was similar to you. I'll just push my way through this because that's what I've always done. Um and you know, long COVID didn't exist in in name at this point. I mean, obviously many people were coming down with it, but you know, there was very little in terms of you know, discussion or knowledge about it. And one of the things for me that I found so terrifying was the isolation and the not knowing. And yeah, you know, it's like, what do I do? Like, tell me what to do and I'll do it. But because no one was able to tell me what to do because I couldn't really get hold of anybody, I thought, well, I'll just revert to what I've always done and push through because you know, you just um so I don't know how your experience with that was, whether you were able to get any advice or any support, or were you feeling that similar level of like I'm all on my own and I'm terrified?

Ashley 11:47

Yeah, absolutely. I relate to that. It was so scary because there was also an element, I don't know if this is saying for you, that um my doctors didn't believe that it could really be possible because it was so new that, like you said, no one had had COVID before, so it wasn't really known, I guess, and it's late, only later when I found like the you know, the CFS and ME, and of course, people have been suffering with this for so many years. But when you go to your GP, it's just sort of like, oh, you know, just you'll get better, just kind of you'll have to wait it out, get on with it, and you're saying, you know, I'm actually getting worse, but there's not really anything that they can they say other than just wait. Um, and so yeah, I really to that was a really scary experience, and it got to the point for me where I was so unwell, like I was so unable to do anything that my family was so worried, and this was quite a while after, but they ended up like trying to get uh private opinions, you know, of um maybe something else is wrong. Like, what can you try and help us? Because it was so scary just not knowing, and it's just like you need to have an answer, um, so you can know what to do to get out of it, but ultimately you are by yourself, um, until I guess you find other people who've experienced it. But at first that that can be hard because you're not living in that healing world, are you, that you eventually find your way into?

Jackie Baxter 13:22

Yeah, absolutely. And I think you know, but again, particularly early on in that, because it was locked down and you know, all of that stuff that went with it, I think the isolation was possibly more acute at that point. And you know, for me, I remember I didn't want to join a support group because I thought that would be depressing, and I just didn't want to hear about other people's experience because my own was bad enough. And eventually I did actually because I thought I don't know what else to do. So I did actually find a support group, and it was incredibly depressing, and everyone was as sick or worse than I was, and it was awful. But I think initially what it did give me was some kind of feeling of okay, this isn't just me. You know, there are other people out there, and that is awful, but it's not just me. And I think that did help on some level, but what I also discovered a while later was that okay, community is important, but also the narratives that we are taking in is also important. Um, but it was a very, yeah, very strange time, and I guess I don't know how as time sort of goes on, did you find that you did start to connect with others or hear of others that were similar and you know that would actually believe you? Um, because that's a terrible thing when someone sort of says, I I don't really believe what you're saying. Like that that must be a terrible thing to be told.

Finding Hope And Recovery Narratives

Ashley 14:57

It is, especially when you're just so unwell and you've been so well, you know. I it's always like you feel like you're trying to explain yourself, isn't it? Like, you know, this isn't how it was before, so please try tell me why I feel the way that I do. Um, but yeah, again, similar experience in that I initially found like an online, I guess, world of people experiencing a similar thing, but there was a lot of um, I guess, talk around being unable to get better, like we might have to accept that this is how it is forever. And I'm very you know respectful of all of our journeys, and we're all at on a different point, um, and I totally respect that, but it there was just something in me that found it really hard to accept that, like, I I could not allow myself to entertain the idea that I would never get better, and so I just kept searching and searching until I've eventually found just like one or two people who would say, you know, there are people out there who have healed from this, like me, and you have to find those people and believe that that can be you too. And I think that's the moment that I felt a bit of hope because I just thought if they can do it, and it's even if it's only one person that I've found so far, then there's hope that that can be me as well. And I think you're right, the narrative that we tell ourselves, or also like that we surround ourselves with can be really important for that, even though times are really, really hard, just that like little bit of belief that you hold on to that you know that could be you if it can be someone else. Does that make sense?

From Treating Triggers To Nervous System Focus

Jackie Baxter 16:47

Yeah, I I think so, and you know, and it I always say to people it's what we feed ourselves, and that is the food that we put into our bodies, the water that we drink, the air that we breathe, um, and also the social media or whatever it is that we kind of consume, whether it's online or you know, that sort of content, you know, and it it all impacts us. So I think you know, it is important along with other things as well, of course. Um, but I yeah, I totally relate to what you say because you know, I I was feeling totally hopeless. I was getting worse, and everything that I read was terrible. Um, you know, there was a lot of narrative certainly early on around, you know, death toll. You know, that was all the news was talking about at the time. And, you know, that really didn't help because there were times where I sort of felt like that's where I was headed. And then you start seeing just little glimmers, you know, there was someone who would say, You feel a little bit better today, or you know, I tried this thing and I think it's helped a bit. And then there was the first person that I saw who said, I've recovered. And like initially, I was like, Yeah, right. Um, but I did read her story and I thought, okay, that sort of starts to make sense. But she's really special, you know, she's really special. And and then I contacted her and I said, Would you like to be on my podcast? Um, and you know, spoke to her and connected, and you know, we were we were just chatting before we hit record about how important connection was and how wonderful it was for us to sit and connect today. And I kind of felt that a little bit with her, where it was like, you understand my experience because you've been through it, but you've recovered what's so special about you, and you know, I sort of thought, well, maybe there's nothing special about her, you know, other than you know, obviously there's something special about everybody, but you know, if she did it, so can I. And it was it was a huge turning point, I think, for me, because it gave me that hope and belief that I didn't have before. And also, you know, I mean, it wasn't easy from that point onwards, you know, it was still up and down, and there were terrible moments and there were better moments, you know, the the up and down journey that we all experience. But yeah, I agree, like that that kind of moment of that person, okay, there's one kind of thing. It was absolutely huge. Um so it sounds like that was a big moment for you, you know, the kind of like okay, someone's recovered. Um what else did you start to find that helped um or didn't help?

Ashley 19:42

Yeah, so um I guess there's kind of two parts to that journey because I had a lot of positive test results for things like um Lyme disease and mould um and other viruses and things like that. So I went down a lot of different paths trying to treat these things, thinking that maybe that's what um would help me get better. And so when I found people um who I say like they healed and it gave me hope, I guess that was more in the like long COVID MECFS world because I knew that I had that, like I had the um post-exigent malaise and all of that, so I knew that that's something, but all these other things I just kept thinking maybe it will get better if I treat them. So I did so many different um like herbs and things like that, lots of different alternative uh medicine approaches, and they would make me very like I was so so unwell that I would say they they kind of took me from being like very severe to less severe, but I was still really unwell, like um unable, like still bed bound basically. So I think um they they helped in a way, but I guess after a certain amount of time, I started to think to myself, what is it that means that I re I get these things, and not everyone does. Why did this happen to me when I got COVID? Why so I believe that I had them, you know, because I lived in a house with a mould, and it's like why did my husband not get sick, but I I did, and why did um you know, if I have Lyme disease, there must be people walking around with that who are okay. Like, I've I've met people who say that they had a positive test, but you know, so I guess that's why I started to wonder like, why is it that I can't recover? And I guess that's when I found the nervous system world and idea that maybe I was stuck in this survival mode, and my body wasn't able to heal from things in the way that other people could, and I think when I first heard that idea, I was very skeptical because I just thought it can't be that, like you know, does that mean that I'm imagining it? Because you you know, I think there's that idea, isn't it, that that means that it might not be quote unquote real um in your body. But when I originally heard it, I was skeptical, but when I sort of started to see people who'd recovered and they explained how their life was before, how they'd always felt like they were quite. Their body was quite sensitive and they reacted to things, but they'd healed out of this survival mode, and their body could get back into balance and heal. I think that's when I first truly got hope that actually this could be me. Like I related to everything they said from before I got COVID through my journey, it all just started to make not perfect sense, but a bit of sense to me. And when I found people in that kind of world, I guess, who had healed, I think that's when I started to really get hope because I thought I've tried all these treatments and nothing's helping. I've you know tried the antivirals to make sure I don't have COVID and all of that, but I was just like something's missing.

Brain Retraining, Visualisation, And Somatics

Jackie Baxter 23:18

And I I think you know it's a it's a really good point that you make. You know, I think sometimes people interpret nervous system, or I think the word mind-body has certain connotations that can be misunderstood. You know, that that kind of idea that it is all in your head and that you're imagining it, or that you're keeping yourself there deliberately, or that it's your fault that you're sick. Um, and you know, like none of these things are true. But I think again, because we are stuck in that kind of survival mode makes us more defensive, which seems very, very cruel, doesn't it? Um, that uh the one thing that could really, really help is the one thing that makes us feel incredibly defensive, and then you know, it it makes it harder to access. But I think when we start to understand that it's not all in your head, it's not something that you've done to yourself deliberately, it's not your fault, you know, none of these things actually are true. And start to kind of, as you said, uh put it into the context of your experience, it does start to make a lot of sense, doesn't it? You know, you can relate to other people's stories and their experiences and the things that you have experienced, you know, through your life and what led to it. And I mean that's why I always start off every interview with, you know, what was life like before you get sick, because you know, it is related. So it's it is incredibly it's just a whole world, isn't it? And again, that I had never understood, never even heard of until well, I was kind of forced into it. Um so um I love that you kind of you know had that skepticism, but were open to kind of exploring it a little bit, which then opened your eyes. So what what happened next? You're kind of like, this makes sense, but yeah, and I I just kept seeing more and more people who recovered.

Ashley 25:22

I think at first it was brain retraining that I heard of, and I think you're right, it's when you hear the word brain or mind, you start to think, oh, what does that mean? Like, does that mean it's not my body? But I quickly um realized when I was hearing all these people that there was something in it, like so many people seemed to be recovering from these programs, so I was still very well, it was really hard, I couldn't like watch videos or anything, so I wasn't able to do full programs, but started to pick up bits here and there, and I started to do visualizations as well. And when I started that after I would say maybe six weeks, I felt a slight shift in something. I can't really explain it, it wasn't certainly miraculous, but I just felt like something was slightly different. Maybe a bit maybe it was even just a bit more hopeful, I guess, at first, but I I kind of felt like I was onto something, and so I I guess I found it hard to expand because I was bedbound. It was really hard for me to, even though I'd felt like a little bit of a shift, understand how I was gonna do this without the crashes coming, so it was I was sort of on board but not fully understanding how this was gonna help me, and but I yeah, so long story short, what happened is I found a coach just completely by chance. I don't even know to this day how I got so lucky to find her, but she had trained in mickle therapy, but she also did a lot of work with somatic therapy as well, so she was very much focused on the body, and um, when I met her, she taught me basically how to connect with my body, how to make my body feel safe through different somatic exercises, and how to reconnect with what it truly needed, and this idea that my body had this language almost that it was speaking to me, and if I could just learn to listen, I would be able to expand in a way that was obviously very slow and with pacing and within my window of tolerance, but it would mean that I was listening to my body, and my body was responding positively to that, so it just sounded like such a wild idea, but I just thought I'm gonna go for it, and that's really when everything just started to re initially like rapidly changed for me. I that's the only way I can describe it, and I know that that that doesn't happen to everyone, and that's totally okay. I'm not saying it was simple or easy, but I've been bedbound for so long, and I was having these real dramatic shifts in what I was able to do and expand into, and I think that's just when I knew like I knew that this was it, and I'd really hit on something, and that I was going to keep going with it, um, even though it was so hard, and it I knew it was gonna take a long time. That was definitely the moment that I knew that this was this is what had happened to me, you know, and this is what I needed to to heal.

Coaching, Safety, And Rapid Early Gains

Jackie Baxter 28:42

Yeah, and I I love that because you know I definitely remember feeling a sort of sense of you know, I'd found some things that helped and I was heading in the right direction. So it was this like, oh my goodness, thank goodness, this is amazing. I'm so pleased that things seemed to be heading in the right direction. But there was also this kind of sense of total overwhelm because now I was actually starting to face in the right direction. I had this sense of how far there was to go. Um, and it was almost like you know, it's it's like when you can see the cafe and it's like just an impossible distance away, and you're so hungry. Um, and and I definitely found that was actually a really uncomfortable moment for me because it was the kind of like now I've got to keep going, which was kind of scary on some level, but it was also you know, I also then felt really guilty for feeling that because it was like, well, I found the right thing, so this is really great. So it was very conflicted, I found, um, with with that. But um, you know, you're you're so so on it with like, you know, what does my body need? And I think I mean, I think most people in the world actually probably don't really know the answer to that question a lot of the time. Um, and certainly it was never anything that I had ever considered in my entire life. And like learning to kind of, as you say, listen to your body and actually work out what does it need, and then how can I give it that was like a whole well, as you said, a whole new language. And uh it's it's difficult, isn't it? Because you get it wrong quite a lot as well to start with.

Ashley 30:31

Absolutely. I mean and I really felt like she was speaking a different language, and she was because she was speaking the language of the body, right? And for so long I've been speaking the language of my mind, and I guess what I was beginning to understand was that my nervous system wanted to be to me to connect with it through the language of my body, and you know, at first I kept I couldn't understand why it was helping. I was felt almost a bit like magical. I was like, why is it helping me that I'm doing this? But obviously, it all comes back to that um you're tending to your body's needs, that you're giving it what it is asking for, and of course, that's helping our nervous system to heal and regulate as well. But yeah, it's not an easy journey, and I think we spoke about this before the call a little bit, it's the idea that when you look back um and a certain amount of time has passed, you almost forget just how hard it was because now you're so used to it, and it becomes a way of life to connect with your body, you know, when it you've practiced for so long. But when I first started it, it was like learning a new language, and of course, we have to do that with an element of safety as well, so that our nervous system feels safe as we're doing this work and we feel safe enough to start to reconnect with our body or with our emotions. Um so yeah, it's a journey that I think if you're not able to do that easily, which most of us aren't, it's really important to have someone there who can support you to do it in a way that feels safe, um, and also someone I guess who can guide you through that process.

Jackie Baxter 32:16

Yeah, absolutely. I think again, you know, it's coming back to that idea of connection, isn't it? Um, someone who you're able to connect with, someone who understands, someone you don't have to explain yourself to, but you know, someone who can be your cheerleader, but also who can kind of give you the hard truths when you need them as well. Um, and I think, yeah, I I agree it is it's really important to have someone like that. And I think you know, I did not realise how big a role my therapist played in my recovery until afterwards, because she was all of those things for me. And uh, you know, a lot of people find working with a coach or coaching programs or recovery programs, or you know, there's so many things out there, and it's kind of you've got to find the thing that works for you, haven't haven't you? I think. Um, and it sounds like this person that you met um with the micotherapy and the other stuff that you said you were doing had had that kind of impact for you, which is amazing. Um so you said that you had started doing all of this stuff and you know it you were moving slowly, but you really were starting to see kind of a lot of improvements. Um were there other things that helped, or was it just continuing to do these things sort of consistently over time?

Consistency, EFT, And Pacing With Care

Ashley 33:27

But that's a great question. Um I think the other thing that I haven't mentioned that really helped me was EFT, so you know, like emotional freedom technique, tapping, and because that really helped me to process, I guess, a lot of the limiting beliefs that I had around being able to do it, being able to recover and expand. So that was another huge part of the journey for me. But once I I carried on with the brain re training and the visualization as well, but once I found all of the somatic work, it was mostly I would say a case of continuing with that um a lot of the day, really. You know, every day it was hard work, and I can't pretend that it was easy, but the progress that I was making was keeping me going because it was also felt amazing, if that makes sense, at the same time. So it was really a combination of different nervous system things, but it was just a slow and steady journey after that, in over the next few months, to I guess be able to expand my nervous system to hold more and more and to um expand more and more. Yeah, yeah.

Jackie Baxter 35:15

And you know, I mean it I think that is so key. It's it's finding the right things, and that's different for everybody. You know, not everyone loves Yoga Nidra, cold water doesn't help everyone, some people don't like acupuncture. Um, you know, there's so many different things out there, um, but it's finding what works for you as an individual, uh and then as you say, doing it consistently, you know, it's that consistent practice, isn't it, over time, where those little tiny shifts add up and up and up and up and up over time. And you know, I I think I mean I I'm an overcommitter. Um, I I did the thing where I was like, right, I need more things because they're going to make me more better. So I, you know, started trying to do too many different good practices, and like they were all good things, but but there were too many of them, and I was, you know, over overdoing the good stuff. So it was kind of taking that step back and saying, okay, what are the things that help me the most? And then kind of making them a priority and having other stuff that I maybe pulled in when I needed it, kind of thing. Um, and I think again, this is how a lot of people do this. Um, but it's actually it's sometimes less is more, isn't it?

Ashley 36:30

I think that's so true, yeah. And I think adding a lot of self-compassion as well, that's something else that my coach really taught me is to just be kind to yourself along the way and believe that you know, you're looking back, you're seeing this progress. Believe in yourself, and I am a recovering perfectionist, so that's really hard to do at times, isn't it? Um, and I am also have been so guilty of adding in other things along the way, but there are also many things that through this process of meeting my needs that I actually took out because I realized they weren't really serving me, but I'd been doing them for so long because I thought I must do them to heal. So yeah, it's it's not easy, it's a process of figuring out what works and being kind to yourself through all of that. But I think when you find something that does and it feels right, then it does become more about that consistency.

Redefining Healing And Moving Goalposts

Jackie Baxter 37:34

Yeah, and I think you make a really good point there about how things do change over time. Um, you know, it might be that to start with you find a thing that's really great for you, but then as your nervous system and your body changes and your needs change, that actually maybe it's a case of letting go of something that you used before, and maybe there are other things that you can then start to bring in. And I guess, you know, we've talked about understanding our bodies and listening to them and meeting our needs. And the better we get at that, the easier it is to kind of know what it is, you know, do I need that thing or that thing right now? And actually, okay, maybe it's time to let go of some of that and bring in a a bit of something else. And it's I think certainly for me now, it's something that I do much more intuitively. Um, you know, and it's it's more it's feeling rather than thinking, isn't it? Absolutely. You know, rather than thinking what what should I need? It's like, well, let's actually listen to my body and what what do I f what do I need? Um kind of thing. Absolutely. So what did that kind of final um sort of move towards that I'm fully recovered look like? Um were you a slow burn or a kind of dramatic um, you know, what did that kind of look like for you and how did you know that you were better?

Ashley 38:59

That's um really interesting because it happened so fast at the beginning, and because of how unwell I'd been, it felt like I was healed, probably long before I actually was, because after a few months of doing all of this work, I was you know, downstairs, going into the garden, all of these things that they had felt like the ultimate dream for me. So it felt like in many ways I've reached my goal because I've made you know, I've I'm where I wanted to be, um, and so that all happened, I would say, relatively fast from being very severe to somewhat being able to live and go for these walks in nature and see my friends again and all of that. Um, but looking back now from where I am, I think there was also a lot of trauma from the illness as well that I needed to come to and meet once I had come to that level where I considered myself somewhat healed, and so there was some healing left to do, I guess. But at first I didn't really realize that you know, it I felt like I had everything that I wanted. So I think that even in the last year, I have felt like there's still things that happen where I think, oh my gosh, like I didn't even know that I needed that, but now I'm definitely healed, you know. So it does feel like a bit of a I'm constantly shifting the goalpost, if that makes sense. You know, at first I felt like I was healed, but actually I was still putting limitations on myself, like I'm healed, but I almost I'll always need to work for myself and I'll always need to do this just to make sure it doesn't happen again. But you know, things that have happened this year, like I started um more as an experiment working for someone else out of the house, and I was able to do that, and I told myself for so long that I I would never do that again, that kind of thing, and I also got married a couple of months ago, and I planned the wedding, and I you know I danced for five hours, like I was on my feet for 12 hours, and I think it's those kind of moments where you're just like okay, now I feel like I'm healed, if that makes sense, and because although it felt like it quite a while ago, I was still put in those limitations on myself without realizing.

Life Rebuilt: Work, Nature, Joy

Jackie Baxter 41:28

That's really interesting because like I I can relate to some of that as well. You know, there are times where, you know, I mean, I think it was almost like I recovered from long COVID, well, about two and a half years ago now for me, but I hadn't recovered from life. You know, there were still other things that, you know, yes, I was completely recovered for long COVID, and that wasn't holding me back at all. But, you know, there was still stuff from my childhood that I needed to work through. There was still, um, you know, I still had some anxiety that I had been covering up forever, um, that I needed to work through. And I think it was almost like for me, once my eyes had been opened to sort of wanting to be as well as I could possibly be. It was that, as you said, the goalposts kept shifting. And every time I felt a release from something, then there was another thing and another thing and another thing. And the perfectionist in me couldn't handle this to start with, um, until my therapist said something like, There's always gonna be something. Um, you know, everyone's always, you know, if if you're not healing from something, it's because you're trying to pretend that you're not, kind of thing. Um, you know, it's because you're not aware of it yet. And, you know, that kind of allowed me to let go of some of that kind of um, I suppose, yeah, need to be perfect and to be like, yeah, okay, there's there's always gonna be stuff, and that's fine because that's part of being human. And it sort of felt quite liberating almost in some ways to be able to let go of that and say, Yeah, you know, that there there's always gonna be things to come up and that's fine.

Ashley 43:04

Um I I love that so true. Because I just when you're saying that, I was just kind of made me realize that actually I often realize that I'm healed in the hard times because we're going to have hard times and they're always going to come up, but now the way we're able to handle that or the way we're able to connect with ourselves and what we need in those times, that is such a sign of healing. Because healing doesn't mean life's perfect, does it? It just means that we know ourselves more and how to meet ourselves where we're at.

Jackie Baxter 43:38

Yeah, I I think you're right, because again, I had this kind of idea that when I was recovered, that life would be perfect. You know, it would be sunshine and roses, and everything would be amazing all the time. And you know, life is great. You know, it's greater than it has ever been, I think. But that doesn't mean that like stuff doesn't happen, you know, because it happens to everybody. And, you know, that's just well, it's part of an unfortunate part of being human, isn't it? That that you know, stressors do come, bad things do happen, but I think it's part of being more resilient, is that you can handle them when they come. It doesn't mean you can enjoy them, um, but you know, you can handle those kind of tougher times, and then you also enjoy the good times more, I think, as well, you know, and I I still find myself being absurdly grateful for like, you know, pretty small things, you know, what most people would call inconsequential stuff. Um, whereas for me it's like, oh, the sun's shining, and I'll get so excited about that. I mean, I live in Scotland, so you know, it doesn't happen too often. But you know, it's it's that kind of I don't know. I think certainly for me, it's given me a different perspective on life and what's important.

Ashley 44:56

That's so true. I remember when I first went outside, you know, after being inside for so long, and I just couldn't understand how I'd never seen trees look like that before, you know. And I don't think you ever really lose that that that gratitude and appreciation for those tiny things. And like you said, in so many ways, um, it'll always be life, but when we do come on this connection with ourselves and we do know what we need and what we want, and we I guess a lot of people come to maybe a slightly a different life than what they had before all this, and it is something that it feels just more beautiful, you appreciate it more, but also it's just more you, you know. You I guess you connect more to what really matters.

Jackie Baxter 45:48

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Um, and it sounds like your life is very different. I think that was one of the things that you started with was you know, my my life is very different to what it was before. So, what what does life look like from you now?

Final Advice: Trust Your Body’s Wisdom

Ashley 46:02

Yeah, so I live in the countryside now, which is the I guess such a huge change for me. I didn't know that that's I didn't even know that that's what I wanted, um, and now it's just so wonderful. I spend so much of my time in nature, and I am working for myself, um, and I have another you know job in my community, which is lovely, and I'm just so much more connected to things that I wasn't before, I guess like things that light me up. Before I kept busy, but I'm not sure there were things I really wanted to do. But now, this connection, I guess, to your body, it's not just about healing symptoms, it's also about what is it that makes you happy and brings you joy. So my life's very different in the way that I do a lot of things, um, like I'm in a choir or you know, I'll paint or whatever that may be, that just bring my life meaning, and it's also different because I just feel more connected to myself and the people around me, and there's that appreciation that I didn't have before, and I could go on and on vote, it's different in so many ways, yeah.

Jackie Baxter 47:16

And it sounds amazing how it sounds like you've had a big year as well.

Ashley 47:22

Yeah, it's been a very big year, yeah. So it's um I think we talked about this at the beginning, you know, it's uh can be such a difficult journey, and I don't, you know, ever want to speak in the way that it's not, but uh it can also bring you closer to the life that I think you're meant to live, and that can be a positive thing as well.

Jackie Baxter 47:48

Yeah, yeah, I think that's a beautiful way of putting it. So I guess finally, what advice would you give yourself for when you were still unwell, or what would you have wanted to know?

Ashley 48:03

I think I'd want to know that my body is always working for me and not against me. It felt so much like I was mad at my body because it wasn't doing what I wanted it to, but ultimately it was always trying to heal me, it was always trying to tell me what what it needed, and it was my greatest guide, and I didn't know how to listen, and that's not my fault, you know, we're not really taught how, but I think I'd want to know that it was my body and the connection with that that would ultimately lead me where I wanted to go, but also that I was allowed to be kind to myself along the way, and that being compassionate with myself and validating how hard it can be, but also just being there for myself through it, yeah. I think both of those things like really, really would have been helpful to know at the start.

Jackie Baxter 49:09

Yeah, and you know that that's why I always finish with this question because you know, people listening, you know, may still be on this journey, and you know that might be exactly what they needed to hear right now. Um so I think it's beautiful that we can pass that on. So Ashley, thank you so much. Um, it's been amazing chatting with you. Um it's been lovely hearing your story, and thank you so much for sharing it with everybody and for putting yourself through it, reliving it for us all. Um, if anyone wants to connect with you, I will make sure that I put all your links in the show notes um so you know where it goes. Um so thank you so much. It's been awesome.

Ashley 49:52

Thank you so much, Jackie. It's been so great.