From NICU Nursing to Nearing Death's Door, then RVing across the US Seeking Joy with Cyndee Jacobson EP3

I'm joined by the amazing Cyndee Jacobson, the founder of Quantum Bliss in Southern Utah. She shares her incredible journey, from her experiences running Quantum Bliss Co, to navigating through health scares and almost losing her own life, more than once. Her firsthand account is nothing short of astonishing, as she recounts breath-taking moments of clarity during a medical emergency and a life-altering near-death experience.

And of course, no bestie conversation would be complete without talking about the healing power of psychedelics, the power of ketamine for pain management, and the profound impact of meditation. Cyndee's insights into using specialized equipment to unlock her mind and heal her body are truly remarkable, and they've left a lasting impression on me.

But the real healing starts with losing her husband and the devastating loss of their son.

On her mission to start seeking more joy, Cyndee bought the biggest truck and RV she could and set off on a journey living on the road with her kids, where they encountered wild horses and visited national parks.

We are spilling the tea on resilience, trauma, and the quest for joy. Her determination and strength through adversity are truly inspiring. Get ready for a heart-wrenching and uplifting conversation about the true story of the resilience of the human spirit.

Let’s go on a remarkable journey through the highs and lows of life, as we uncover the power of hope, healing, and the pursuit of joy.

Connect with Cyndee on Instagram @quantumbliss.co

Connect with Sam on Instagram or TikTok

Transcript

 does a monkey chatter ever stop in your brain?

I was like, what am I waiting for? Like, why don't I start now? Like, why would I wait months ?  

just start just start because it's never gonna be perfect and if you don't Just start then you're never going to so it's gonna be a shit show and I love it I'm like, I like rolling with the shit. You know, I've I'm I'm good there. I'm good there. I got that part down

I was literally in survival mode, fight or flight, like just trying to survive.

when you're living in like this trauma response, like you're just doing, you're going out there and doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.

Cause if I just do more and do more and do more than what I'm running from inside is, is going to go away. 

 I've had to identify multiple dead bodies, including my son and my husband. And it felt like I was going to a death to identify a dead body when I got that call and I didn't want to go. I wanted to just run. Everything in me was like, get on the flight. 

We've done all the trauma healing. Let's just.  Let's just get into the joy,  that's what I was told like find the joy like stop Digging in the trenches stop rolling with the shit like find the joy 

Third time they called and I just didn't even hear what they said at that point. Cause I was just like, are you kidding me? This is the kind of news we, we report on. We don't do any feel good stories.

It's always death and, and suicide and, and destruction. Like, why can't we talk about the heart of the community instead of the tragedy? 

what came of that was it got on the news for Utah, right? On KSL. And, and then, and then the community came out and then they came out to help



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It's like when facebook live was first a thing and they made us do a live in the group. Well, as soon as I got done recording, I realized I had spinach in my teeth from my salad.  I'm like, I'm not redoing it. I'm like, I'm just leaving it. That's me. Go for it. It was embarrassing, but everybody thought it was hilarious.



  Welcome to the Samantha Parker show, Cindy. Thank you. Thanks for coming over and sitting on my couch. What do you think about this  couch and conversations? Like this is the best thing ever. Like.  I recorded a podcast studio and I'm like, Hmm, maybe I need to rethink things.

This is a pretty fun setup you got. Well, eventually we're moving into a space, but I didn't, I was like, what am I waiting for? Like, why don't I start now? Like, why would I wait months? Because it took a long time to actually figure out this setup right here. Yeah. Yeah. And you were testing out the two cameras.

I know you were talked about that once. Yeah. In fact, I would say the two cameras ended up being the easy part. What was hard was getting the two mics. Oh, yeah.  So do they go to like different cameras? I don't even. Well, so we do have the lapel mics on, but that's because it's for my camera audio. Okay. Yeah, but we're recording our actual audio.

See right there on the floor. Nice. I like it. This was what was hard to figure out. Okay. And then I had two USB mics. It was anyways, it was a whole shit show. Basically I had to buy all new stuff and there's a lot of money sitting here.  I hear you. That's kind of like what's sitting at my house too.

I'm like, I don't, I just want it to work. I don't know how it works, but I want it to work.  And it's working right now. The only thing we were just recording earlier and the batteries died. So. It was like, I just had to swap a battery out, you know, no big deal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I can handle that. Okay.

Yeah. It sounds good. It sounds good. You got, you got a good setup going. I love it. And I know the ceilings and stuff are probably too high and all this stuff, but I was like, 

you just have to start, right? You do. You do. And that's the cool thing when I've, you know, done, and I know you have too, but done lots of like.

coaching and all this stuff and they teach you like just start just start because it's never gonna be perfect and if you don't Just start then you're never going to so it's gonna be a shit show and I love it I'm like, I like rolling with the shit. You know, I've I'm I'm good there. I'm good there. I got that part down  So, okay, let's back up.

Welcome to the couch, Cindy Jacobson.  So Cindy and I went to Bali together. Yes. Oh my gosh. That was amazing. That was life changing. Yeah. Life changing under the waterfall. Right. It was my first like, Oh, yes. I think we both had a similar experience there, right? We were having a really great experience there.

I had a similar experience there as I knew there was like a death happening.  In a, in my business. Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And that business partnership. And she was there and remember she wouldn't go to the waterfall and it was like, yeah. Yeah.  But the rest of us were having like this mind blowing orgasmic experience.

It was phenomenal. So I feel like.  Bolly though, like do that to you. It'll totally change you. It changed. Do you remember the Bali flew when we got back? We're like, what the heck does happen? Like, we don't want to live this life anymore,  but I feel like Bali took away the thing that wasn't supposed to be in my life.

Yeah. Yeah. That was good. Yeah. And it did that for me too, in a different way. Cause I was like type a running like business and nonprofit and my family and just like literally running on fumes. And I remember when we got to Bali, like I. We had the most amazing massages, right? Like all of them. Non stop, and they were like almost free.

It was ridiculous how, and so it would tip them well, and they're like, no, no, you gave us too much. I'm like, no, I didn't. That was amazing. But I remember, talking to Chris, who had come with me, and I said, Do you, like, does a monkey chatter ever stop in your brain? And she was like, no. And I said, that's my goal here in Bali, to get the monkey chatter to stop, and it did.

It was amazing. That's awesome. Yeah. I loved Bali. Oh my gosh. We got to go again. Oh,  it's been calling me lately. I'm like, I gotta go to Bali or like just somewhere in Thailand in general. Oh yeah. Yeah. That would be amazing. I think it would be incredible. I'm like, so let's get on, let me go get my laptop.

We're going to pause. Yes. Yes. Let's plan it. Next girl. We're booking flights.  It was an intense flight too, though. Oh, do you remember the flight back? Me and you ended up sitting by each other on the one eight hour flight, not the really long flight, even though that is, oh my gosh,  but I took that, those Tylenol PMs that I bought in the airport.

And I went to, like, I passed out and then do you remember when I woke up and I was like, did they bring food? And you're like, yeah, twice. And I just ate some of yours. I hope you don't care. I'm like, I just ate yours. You're sleeping. I tried. I elbowed you a few times. You're out. I was so out and it was so amazing.

Yeah. Good. Good. Yeah. Those long flights are brutal. I tell you what they are. I just remember being like, I gotta get off this plane. I got off this plane and I'm like, where are you going to go? Right. Yeah. You're stuck. Do you remember how clean the bathrooms were? On the 18 hour flight? Yes. That was,  those, that was amazing.

I could stay on that flight for a long, a long time. The bathrooms? I was like, girl, are you seeing these bathrooms? They stood there waiting for you to come out. Yeah. And they would go in and clean them. Cleaning them up. I'm like, and they were big too. Like, you know, the little ones where you're like, I can't quite get out the door.

You're like, I'm not that large. I can't even fit in here. You're like wedging yourself in. Yes. And it's always wet everywhere.  Yeah, yeah, you know what it is like, you don't even talk about it. Well, there's no way like, you know You wash your hands and then you're like on top of the toilet. You're just like  Come on,  what happened?

They've got to do something. What happened here? Do better, do better, Delta. Do better, Delta, America, all of them, all of them, unless they're, you know, it's an international airline. So that are amazing. I mean, I've only been, we were on air China, right? Air China. Yeah, good job. Air China. You're doing great.

They served wine.  Ooh, I forgot about that. It was nice. Wine, wine, and Tylenol PM. Oh no. That was the other point that  was home. That was going home.  So yeah, Bali was a big trajectory for you. I remember being in Bali and it was just you and me that went and did the swings over the rice paddies and we had that photographer that I found. 

And I just remember watching you and I was like, she's so pretty. Like I just kept thinking you were so pretty. Thank you. Yeah. I didn't feel it at all. Then I didn't, I was literally in survival mode, fight or flight, like just trying to survive.  So thank you for that. And thank you for that experience too.

And inviting me to that. Well, that's crazy that you say that because that you were just in fight or flight. Cause I was like, Cindy hasn't figured it out.  And that's the thing, like when you're living in like this trauma response, like you're just doing, you're going out there and doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.

Cause if I just do more and do more and do more than what I'm running from inside is, is going to go away. Right. But it doesn't, it just chases you until you slow down and feel it.  Do you want to see if you can sketch this a little closer? Hello. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. Okay. I know it's awkward to sit right there.

Yeah. Like deep throat the mic. Basically.  You can hear,  earlier I was like, kids, it's Saturday, mom's trying to podcast in the living room. And they're like, mom, we just want to hang out and chill. It's our day off.  I love that we're just sitting in my living room though. I love it too. That's how I roll right now too.

I do all my work at home and.  Just like, okay, kids, it's time to be quiet. I've got, I've got clients here. So, yeah. So when we went to Bali, you were in real estate. Do you like how I'm giving a timeline and you were doing the giving house? Yes. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Which ended up to be a nightmare.  That was a nightmare.

You know, it's crazy as you were just trying to do something for the community and. The house kept getting vandalized, and remember there was like poop in the, someone took a shit in one of the bathroom drawers? Yes, and then dumped paint on it. So they did it in like the basement and in the drawer, and then they dumped paint on the one in the basement.

So as we're like peeling and stripping the floor of the paint that they had destroyed, then we find poop underneath there. Oh, too. You know, it's wild.  I don't think if someone was like, you know, it'd be funny if you took a shit right here, there's no way I could conjure up a shit and shit on the floor. 

And then they did it twice and then like age two different parts, obviously. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that was, that was horrendous. Yeah. So, so the giving house was just.  It was a house in the community that was kind of, it was a run down home and it was a teacher that just loved this community. She brought so much to Southern Utah.

She brought phonics and  some other amazing things. And as she retired, she had to move out of her home and moved into a retirement home. She really wanted it to go back to the community, like to a teacher or just a family that could really use it, you know? Hey, Kaden. So yeah, we're just like, I was working so hard to try and get donations too. That was the other thing I was trying to get the community to donate. Like I worked in the real estate market.

I did a lot of networking back then and I'm like, Hey, you know, this is what we're doing. If you can like give us a discount or some donations to what we're doing, that would be awesome. You know? And  it was really hard though. It was like grinding work and like, everyone's like, yeah, that's. Great idea, but here pay me full price.

I want to be part of it and get my name on it But I want I'm not gonna really give you a discount which Some people did some people didn't and it was just by the time it was getting towards the end I was literally like out of pocket like  tens of thousands of dollars and and I just wanted it done and it was taking so much out of me and my family and my bank account and The vandalism happened.

Yeah. And I was devastated. I,  you know, and, and when I say this, I don't say it lightly because I had another nonprofit. Um, friend at the time that's like, Hey, we're going to go do this humanitarian thing. Like if you can get on a flight today, you can come. And I literally got that call from her. Then I get the call from my assistant saying, Cindy, you got to get down here.

And I'm like, what do I do? I want to get on that flight and run and that's, was almost my choice, but instead we went and found all the fun destruction that you, you got to be part of that  momentarily. Yes, yes. It was rough. Yeah, it was. It was a rough moment, but, but you know, the, the thing that happened of that, which I could have never imagined was, okay, so St.

George news was trying to do a good news story on it. Right. And, and three times they had scheduled to come out. And we had the crew ready and we had us ready and like, we were ready to go to record. And each time we got a call, Oh, sorry, there's a suicide. We've got to go report on. We can't come do this story today.

Next time. Oh, sorry. There was a death at gun like falls. We have to go report on. We can't do this story today. Third time they called and I just didn't even hear what they said at that point. Cause I was just like, are you kidding me? This is the kind of news we, we report on. We don't do any feel good stories.

It's always death and, and suicide and, and destruction. Like, why can't we talk about the heart of the community instead of the tragedy? And so then when that happened, like by the time I showed up, there's a news crew at the house.  And camera in my face before I even saw the house, right? And they're wanting a story from me.

And I just was, I couldn't even. I was like hysterical, like just crying. And I'm like,  I don't even think that made the news. Cause I was just so hysterical, you know? And I'm like, Why are you here now? Like, why weren't you here at all the other times to do the heart of the story, to get the community here?

But, but what came of that was it got on the news for Utah, right? On KSL. And, and then, and then the community came out and then they came out to help and then they donated time and, uh, materials and, and labor. And so it did end up, it did end up.  Um, yeah, it was, it was hard, it was a lot. I'm like, I don't, I don't know that I ever want to do one of those again. 

Sometimes we do things and then I think it shows us like that, that's not the path we're supposed to be on, you know? Yeah. Even though you were trying to do something super amazing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, you know, you try to do something good and they just shit on it. Literally. Yeah. Literally just shit on it.









And so I'm like, okay.  Live, learn my lesson there, did my good deed of my lifetime and now we're moving on. Yeah. Okay. And then I'm, well, we're just going to timeline your life for a minute. Okay. Not your whole life. Don't worry.  But then you sold your house and like lived in a trailer and just traveled across the States.

And this was just a couple of years ago.  Okay, so, um, yeah, trying to like, you know, figure out my own self and like, you know, like I said in, when I was doing all those things, I was literally running from myself cause I hadn't healed from, from a lot of trauma I had experienced. And so I was, I was trying to do that and I was taking time to myself and taking weekends, like camping and  getting like borrowing my brother's trailer on the lake and just like, it was amazing.

And this was pre COVID. And I told my kids, I'm like, Hey kids, why don't you guys like homeschool and we can get a trailer and we can just travel and we can hang out and like do homework. Cause I had run into a family from, I think they were from Japan, um, at the lake one time and they're like, yeah, we just, we just live on the road.

We work from the road, we do homeschool and, and we just go explore. And so. So I try to convince my kids to do that and they're like no way we like school, you know and and then kovat hit and They had to homeschool and then I was like  Oh, we have the opportunity now we can do this. And then we started and then I'm like, Ooh, did I call COVID in?

Because I wanted this, I wanted my kids to homeschool and travel. And we got that with it, you know? And so it was pretty amazing. We had the goal to hit all for, uh, all 50 States. We hit 30 States and Mexico. We included in that we hit Alaska and Hawaii. We flew there, but the others, I took a fifth wheel.

Yeah. And I had never hauled a trailer like that before my life. Yeah. And you bought like a big truck. The, yeah, the biggest truck and the biggest trailer. I had no idea. It was like limits that you could have on the road and it was huge. But my son's 6'4 I'm like, if we're going to be living in this trailer, it's going to be comfortable.

Yeah. It wasn't, you know, you weren't taking a baby and toddler on the road. That would have been way different. Thankfully my kids were, yeah, 18, 16, and 12 at the time. So did your son drive the truck a lot? He, so he got his permit while we were out, out traveling. And so when we were out on like back country roads and stuff, I would let him, I didn't ever let him haul the trailer until the very end, but he got a lot of good driving experience, a lot of nighttime driving, a lot of rain driving, just really good experience.

Did you have any moments? Right at the time you'd split from your husband too. So this was just you and the kids. Just me and the kids. Did I have any moments like what? Like I had a lot of moments, but we were like, this is fucking stupid. Oh, or like, I don't want to do this anymore. I, there was a couple of times when I would see like families, right?

Because like I was the only crazy mom alone on the road with a fifth wheel with kids. Yeah, I'm just like, you're hooking up your trailer and you're taking care of the shitter. Yeah, literally we're dumping the poop or we're hauling, we're, the great thing was though, my kids and I really learned how to work together and communicate because like backing up that big trailer and when it's dark and it's late and it's stressful and like hooking it up and we would, sometimes we'd have to like, Drop and hook up really quickly, you know, and so we just had a system down eventually it was It was easy at first and learning the communication and learning not to stress and if anybody's ever done that with a trailer like they're like Divorces happen over that stuff, you know, so funny when you're in a trailer park too and like you see everybody arguing over  We had a few of those moments, most, mostly it was good, but a few of those moments we did have the very last one that we ever hooked up, my son and I really like hit a wall to get quite literally hit a wall together.

And, and, and, well, I say I didn't hit a wall. I did hit a wall. Once did you drive into a wall one time? I did kind of sideswipe it. My son tried to stop me and it took off. off the ladder of, of the trailer. So I had to replace that, but that doesn't seem too bad though. Yeah, it really wasn't like really over and considering, like, I would haul this thing into like big camper places and RV places and, and the people that worked there that dealt with those things, they'd see me come in and they're like. 

That's a big rig. I'm like, yeah  They're like you can drive that I'm like, yeah, like I didn't know what I didn't know right like sometimes  Now looking back I'm like, holy crap if I knew what I was getting into but again it was kind of like survival mode like I You know, was letting everything go. I let my business go, my nonprofit go, my divorce, my, my marriage go.

Like I just needed to save myself and my kids in the moment. And so that was a fun way to do it. Do your kids talk about the experience? Like they enjoyed it.  They enjoyed it a lot. And that's incredible. It was stressful. So they're like, I wish we could go back and do it again now, knowing what we know and appreciating it more because at the time it was like a lot of work and like, where are we going to go?

Where are we going to park? How are we going to gas up? Like we, we were constantly like having to make sure, you know, it was work. It was work. And we did have a lot of fun. We went to as many national parks as we could, as many museums as we could. What's your favorite place you went? Oh my gosh. That, you know, I loved all of it.

My, I'll tell you my kids favorite places. My son's is Alaska. Yeah. He wants to move there, legit move there. I'm like, dude, I'll come visit you in the summer, but I'm not, I'm not going to come visit you in the winter. We'll stay in the desert. Alaska was amazing.  My daughter, all of us loved Montana, loved Montana.

Montana's beautiful. Yeah, but we were there in the summer. So, you know, I don't, I don't do snow very well. So, uh, we love Montana. Um.  I, I really enjoyed the East coast, the coastline, and I didn't think I would. I think it's really beautiful. Yeah, it is. There's a lot of history there. A lot of history. New York and all of that is just totally different than what you think of.

Cause as soon as you said East coast, I went to New York, but then you were like, I enjoyed the coast and I'm like, Oh, the coastline itself, you know, and we went, we did some fun things. We went to like Salem, Massachusetts for Halloween. I would love to do that. Oh my gosh, that was.  And we did, we did New York for Christmas.

We did, we tried to hit like keep, we did Virginia in the fall and did like this driving tour of, of the leaves. And, um, what was really cool with COVID too, cause they used to, you could like. Get tours before COVID, but with COVID you couldn't. So they put a lot of things online on apps and they were guided audio tours.

And then they had pinpoints. So your GPS would take you and then they would read it to you. And then instead of like driving or paying somebody else to drive you around, you went yourself and had this self guided tour. And it was. It's pretty inexpensive to like, I just got a year annual membership. So everywhere we went, there was walking tours, there was driving tours.

 So that was really cool. So thank you COVID for, for that.  Yeah. And then our very, like one of my very favorite things we did is we went wild horse chasing. I had. No idea how many wild horses there are all over this country. And there's like a pony Island. There's an Island that has ponies on it. Yeah.

Horses or ponies ponies. So they think they don't know for sure, but the, the think there was like a Spanish ship that was shipwrecked and these ponies ended up on this Island. Yeah. And, and so, and they do some really amazing things like the fire department there because they start breeding and they get.

Too many and they can't survive. So they've started like, um, auctioning them off to, to support the fire department.  And so once a year they have this pony swim and they'll swim the ponies across the island to the mainland and then they'll auction off a certain amount and then they'll use that money to fund their fire department and there, it's the richest fire department in the US at this point, but at the time they didn't have money and they had lots of fires out there for some reason.

So pretty, pretty cool experience. Yeah. I love like reading the signs like on the side of the road and you know, I love all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. We've, I would try to get my kids when we were little, I mean, you're younger than me, but I know when we were little, we'd always be like reading the signs and doing the ABC game.

Did you ever do that? Like try to do that. My kids never really got into that. I think it's because they have devices and things, which they try to stay off of. But when you get on those long drives, it gets pretty boring. We don't have anything. My dad.  Was the one they traveled with the most was my dad said, because my parents were divorced  since I was a baby.

So yeah, but my dad likes to like, just get go places. Like I would say adventure, it's his middle name, right? He's just went through the Panama Canal, like he just retired and  I've been watching them. They've been on a month long trip and so they went down around South America and went through the Panama Canal, but now they're in. 

Oh, wow. That would be so fun. See, I'm saying adventure, right? Yes. But he would always play, like, Lewis Lamour books.  And I thought that was a treat. I was like, Oh, we get to listen to something, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I, my mom had a few books on tape when we would travel, but not like they, yeah, not like they have now, which was awesome too.

Cause then we would find books that went with the history of wherever we were going. Like if we were in Yellowstone, we would find, uh, books on that. And we'd listen to that when we were driving Yellowstone and stuff like that. So we learned, they got way more education on the road than they ever did in the classroom.

Well, yeah, because. They can't be like, let's go see an active geyser today. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And like, you want to know the history of Pittsburgh? Well, let's go walk it. Let's learn it. Let's learn from the locals too. Like we love talking to the locals that have been there long term and like. I love when you get out on the east coast and they're like, this is a house from 1402 or something.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You're all, huh? So Utah wasn't even.  I know, I know in growing up out on the west coast, right? And then you go out there and it's like, the history is so deep. There's a lot of really interesting experiences too.  Okay. So you eventually you came back to St. George.  And then I know that you recently died.

Yes. And I know that's something to say. Like, I just said it. No, it's true. And it's true. And I have, I've like worked through that and it used to be really hard to say, but it's very true. Like I, I've had a lot of, you know,  I didn't know what I didn't know, but over the years with all the traumas I'd been through and like living on in fight or flight, you're living off your cortisol.

Right. And, and I was,  NICU charge nurse and talk about cortisol dumps, right. And like saving babies for a living and like still running from my own stuff and not processing it. And so my health would like start taking a hit a lot of times. And back then I would be going to doctors and getting testing and like they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, but I was literally like having every ailment possible way back then they were diagnosing me with MS and lupus and like everything. 

 yeah, just, so my own personal journey to like put a quickly, like my childhood was not the best and we ended up all the kids.

Well, there was 12 of us adopted half, Like, all of us living in the same house. Um, and when I was 16, we were, uh, taking out everybody from me down. So all my brothers, there was four brothers older than me, but me down, eight of us, got taken out of the home, put in foster care in different homes in the community.

And then And then it was like, okay, well now I've got to like go to college and better myself and be better than my childhood and, and got married and, you know, like put myself through nursing school and help my husband get through nursing school. Cause he had test anxiety horribly. So I would have to take classes with him to help him get through.

And, and so it was like, just like, go, it was always just go, go, go, just run as fast as you can to get to the. The mile marker, right? Like, Oh, once, once we get married, get our college degree, have our two kids and our white picket fence and we've made it right. That was what I thought. And so, um, just struggling to get there.

And we became foster parents in that too, because my foster parents ended up being like amazing for me and my life. And like showing me that there was a different life out. So I'm going to be talking about my life outside of living in poverty and on welfare, which at 13, I literally had the dream. This was a dream of mine at 13 that I was going to get married, have three kids, live in a trailer.

My husband would be in prison and we would go visit him on every other weekend. That was my goal for my life at 13 until I know. Insane, right? Well, in prison, it was like Yeah, prison, not just jail. Like, he was in prison. And, um, yeah. And so, you know, getting put in foster care, which I hated at 16. I was like, it was horrible.

But yet it was the best thing that happened to me at that point because it shifted the trajectory of my life. And so, yeah. So then, you know, getting through nursing school  And having my two babies, I had a boy and a girl, I'm like, perfect, we're done, we have our boy and a girl. And, my husband at the time, like, was really struggling with mental health. 

And he was trying to hide it. He, , he had a lot of trauma growing up way worse than mine, way worse than mine. And I didn't even know about most of it until after he passed.  But he was hiding it, running from it. And. He has like in his family line, they have some mental health issues. Like his dad,  has schizophrenia diagnosed.

He, he died inpatient a couple of years ago at like 67, , with schizophrenia, his mom,  bipolar and something else like undiagnosed, but she also died inpatient at 60 something years old. Just, you know, I don't know, five or seven years ago.  And so it was like very dominant in his family line, this mental health stuff.

But I didn't know that.  We trauma bonded because we both had horrible childhoods and we could get along and we understood each other. And that was great. And then we were like trying to better ourselves, but he was still struggling with his traumas and his childhood and his mental health.

And he started having,  he started seeing things and hearing voices that he was not,  That society's like, Oh, that's schizophrenia, right? That's what his dad had. So, he would try and hide that. And anytime there was stress, like it would, it would, , show more. But I didn't know what I, I didn't know what I didn't know.

And I just knew he was under stress and doing some weird behaviors. And,  so I was trying to help him and trying to support kids. And working two jobs so he could go to school without stress. And, and, anyway, uh, so. When I was pregnant with our son, I had just graduated nursing school. I had just graduated, I'm like, yes, like we've made it, we've got our daughter, we've got our son.

And he was due like in a month. My husband, he was a year behind me in nursing school. So second semester of, nursing and he, our first semester of nursing, he failed. So I just found out I passed and I'm like, woohoo,  we're done like getting there. And then he, the next day he goes to take his finals and he failed.

And so here I am eight months pregnant, excited, like ready for life to start. And,  And he calls me on his way home from school and tells me to kiss the kids goodbye and take care of them because he was a failure and  the kids and I deserve better and he was gonna drive over a cliff.  And, like, I couldn't even fathom that.

Like, I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, it's a semester of nursing school. People fail all the time. You know, you can take it again. Like, we had friends that had failed, you know? Like, I didn't, I couldn't fathom what he was even saying to me.  And,  Anyway, it became very real as he's telling me, because I know he was a deadly place coming from Mojave, Colorado City, where the college is out there.

There's a really deadly road and a friend of mine almost died there and lots of people have died in that very spot, very dangerous. And he was going to drive over that spot. And so he's, he's just talking to me as he's about ready to drive over it. And, and I'm like begging him and crying and pleading for him to stop and, and He's not listening to anything and finally he's like almost there and I just start screaming just screaming and something in that like snapped him to and he pulled over.

And so I just like convinced him like it's gonna be okay. Well, I can't face anybody. I can't let our family know I failed. I don't want them to know I'm a failure. I'm like, we'll keep it quiet. We'll keep it quiet. Like, you know, we'll make up some elaborate story as to why it's taking longer for school and we'll just,  we'll just go from there.

And we did. We moved him out of that nursing school. And same college, but a different campus in Laughlin, Nevada.  So he could Start again and not have his same coworker or classmates. And so nobody would know, right? And so that's crazy because so many people felt nursing school, right? It's not even a big deal, but to him it was.

And that's why I, like, I couldn't fathom it when he's telling me he's going to kill himself. I'm like,  yeah, it's not easy. And  so we did that and then he, you know, finished nursing school. And by then I'm like, you know what? I think I want a third baby. , we're good now. Like, I wasn't in school.

I wasn't fighting anymore. We weren't struggling. Like I had a decent job. And, and I'm like, you know, I love, I love the two kids we have, but I want grand babies someday. And what if one, one child moves away and gets married, moves away. And what if another one's gay? And what if they don't want kids? Like, I, my chances are better if I have three kids, right?

Like I, I want some fun kid grandkids one day. And , we decided to have a third child and he.  And he was due literally when my husband was going to graduate, , his nursing school. And so I was again, eight months pregnant  as he finished nursing school and he passed. Yay. But then you have the nursing boards, right?

The NCLEX boards. And , and he has test anxiety, which he didn't know at the time.   And that the boards are atrocious. Like it's, it's this, it's a mind. F to be honest. I don't know if I can swear on here, but,  just Samantha Parker Sawyer. I mean, never, I would never people are like, you need to filter your words.

I'm like, this is me. I'm sorry. It's who I am. So I stopped filtering. Yay. Good. Cause I'm like on my own podcast, like the person that records it, he's like, you might want to filter that. I'm like, this is me. People don't want to hear me. It's okay. Right. I can't filter that. Yes. Yes. So, so yeah. So anyway, the nursing boards, like you get anywhere from.

Like 74 to 244 questions. And if you really know that your material, it'll shut off at 74. If you really don't know your material, it'll shut off at 74. And other than that, it tests you and pushes you to see if you know this, the material, and it can shut off anywhere in between there. And usually if it shuts off right away, you know, you either passed or failed like hard.

And then if it goes clear to the end, you pretty sure you failed if you want clear to 244,  but your chances are still about 50, 50, cause it would have shut off earlier. Had they known that you really sucked, right? So it shut off at 74 the first time. And I'm, he's like, I failed. I failed. I'm like, no, you didn't, you know, your stuff.

Like he knew it better than I did. Well, he failed. And so we convinced him like, it's okay. Like, Hey, we have this, these other friends. She took the boards like 14 times and she passed eventually. You're going to be okay. It's going to be fine.  And so you're not at work and they're like, how many times did you take the board?

Right. Right. It's like, Oh, Yeah, it doesn't matter. Like, what, what were your grades? What did, was your grade in high school? None of that matters when you're done. I pushed myself so hard when I was getting my college degree to get, like, To get, like, good grades. Yeah, I got, like, a 3. 95 is what I graduated with.

Mm hmm. Nobody fucking knows. Nobody even, did you know I have a college degree? They don't care. No, I didn't. That's awesome though. Good for you. Nobody fucking cares. No, they don't. And that's what I tell my kids now because like people harass them because they road schooled and then homeschooled. My kids are way more intelligent than most kids in public school right now.

And they'll have family members and friends kind of razz them here and there. And I'm like, you know what? I said, as soon as you're done with school, nobody asks you if you got a GED or a high school diploma and what your GPA was. Nobody cares. Like it's more, it's way beyond that. But so, so anyway, he took the boards again.

And the second time he. It shut off again at 74 and that time he was like I failed again and and he tried to kill himself again And here I am eight months pregnant now with our second son and Did that kind of feel like a lot though? You're like dude it was I honestly, I was like in such shock at that point because I was working two jobs or not two jobs.

So I was working double shifts at the hospital. Um, I had two kids I was taking care of. Plus I was pregnant. Plus I'm like trying to make his life as comfortable as possible so he didn't get stressed so he could pass the boards. Right. And looking back, that's insanity. It is. It is. And no wonder I fricking burned myself out with cortisol.

So,  so anyway, uh, yeah, I got him through that one too.  And then our son was born. Literally, he found out the day our son was born that he passed. So that second time he passed, but he was sure he had failed. And it takes time to find out. It takes like two weeks. Yeah. So he found out the day our son was born and it was like such a relief.

Like, hallelujah. We've made it, you know, he's got through school. I've got through school. We've got our three healthy babies, you know,  now life can start. Right. And, um.  And then I was a charge nurse in the newborn ICU, and our last baby, our little boy, passed away to SIDS at four months old.  And,  talk about a mindfuck there, you know, I save babies for a living every day at work, and I couldn't save my own baby. 

And,  My husband was working at the hospital at the time when I, when it happened. He had worked night shift, I worked days, we worked opposites, so one of us was always home.  And,  thank, thankfully I was the one who found him. I was cooking dinner and, and I had asked my, my daughter loves to be a little mommy, a little mommy, and help with her brothers wherever she could.

And, and I had set her up with a snack and I was cooking dinner and, and. Doing dishes at the same time. So my hands were like meat, meat or wet or something. And I'm like, Hey, would you mind checking on your brother? Cause in the back of my awareness, like he's been napping a long time and he would take long naps.

So, so that wasn't uncommon, but I started realizing like, it's really late. And if he doesn't wake up soon, he's going to be up all night. Right. So that was kind of in my head. So I'm like, Hey, I'll take a nap, but not sleep, but not too much. So you sleep at night. Yeah. And  I asked my, my daughter if she would check on her brother and, and she was just busy eating her snack and so I washed my hands and I go check on him and found him and,   and she was five years old at the time and,  you know, I can't even imagine what, what,  She heard come out of me the guttural screams and and then I called 9 1 1 and I knew he was gone I mean, I'm a nurse, you know, you know, he was he had been he probably passed him when I early set like put him down and And he would take like three and four hour naps And so and this was probably like six to seven hours and that's when I was like, oh, wait a minute Like something's you know,  so so he was stiff and cold And I knew, you know, there was no saving him, even though I tried. 

You still try. And then I call the 911 operator and I'm just screaming, my baby's dead.  And, ,  and she's like, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, calm down, calm down.  I can't calm down, my baby's dead, you know. She's like, is there anybody else there that can take the phone? And I'm looking around and I have my five year old little girl.

So I hand her the phone  and she just says, my baby's dead.  And  so they try to walk me through CPR and I'm like, look lady, like I know CPR better than you. I do this for a living, like my baby's dead.  And, , So after that my husband's mental health really, really, really went downhill and he took it upon himself.

He felt it was his fault. He wasn't even home, but he felt God was punishing him for whatever he had done. Done in his life. And so therefore God's punishing me. And then he, you know, so he  took his life.  Yeah.  So that's what I was running from. How far apart was it between, so when your baby died and your husband committed suicide?

Three years. Three years? Yeah.  Yeah, and he had tried like he had tried off and on throughout our marriage, obviously, but But in that last like that three years like just trying to keep him stable and I was doing everything I could to help him But he would not get outside help. He wouldn't talk to anybody but me.

He wouldn't go to counseling. He wouldn't do anything but rely on me and so I was It's trying as much as I could, but eventually like he shut so far down, he would only go to work and play video games and that's it. And he would blast like the music in his ears, like so loud and he'd have his face in the screen and I didn't understand what was happening.

All I knew was I lost my husband now, like here I am a single mom, you know, and by then we had had another, we had another baby. So we had a little girl by then. So we had three kids again and I was in charge of everything. I had to run the house. I had to do the grocery bills. I had to do the doctor and the dentist appointments.

I had to everything other than him going to work and And that was it and then he was in these video games and he would shut all the blinds and we'd have to live in This dungeon. I couldn't open the blinds. I couldn't I couldn't leave the kids with him like nothing And so i'm like I need I need help here, you know, like I need my husband back, I, the kids need their father back, like, and so finally I'm like, if you don't get help, then I, I am going to have to leave you because I'm in survival mode doing all this on my own and, and now I'm like struggling with this with you and,  and he just wouldn't.

And so I finally told him I was, you know, going to leave. And that really just set him off. And so over the next like four or five months, he just attempt after attempt, after attempt. And, um, he would end up in B med as a John Doe because they would find him and he'd be unresponsive. And, um, and he tried every which way.

That he could. He tried hanging. He tried cutting his wrist. He tried overdosing. He was a nurse. So he had access to some pretty heavy duty drugs. And when they found out at the hospital, like what he had taken there, like that should have killed an elephant. Like, I don't know how you survived it, but he would be out for like 24 hours and then come to and then he would end up in the hospital as a John Doe.

And so the The  turmoil I was going through the first time he did it I was sure he wasn't coming back because he was gone for like 48 hours or so at that point and and I felt he was gone and his cousin like I called him because he left a Suicide note and everything and he's like you'll never find me like kiss the kids goodbye, you know all the things and so When I got a call from, I got this staticky call from him after like 48 hours and I thought, I literally thought it was a call beyond the grave.

And he was like, it was all staticky and, and he's like, I, you know, come get me. And I'm like, where are you? Like I, I didn't know what was happening. It was so traumatizing  and called his cousin and we went and found him,  got him to the hospital, but then it just kept happening over and over and over and  until he was finally successful.

And so. Yeah, so that's the trauma, you know, like just living in fight or flight literally my whole life and then, and then having a loss of a child and then a suicide that was put on me and then all of the family, all the friends, everybody, cause I was hiding it for him. I was keeping his dirty secret. I was trying to help him myself and whenever he would do it, I promise I won't do it again.

Please don't tell anybody. I don't want anybody to know.  And so that was put on me the whole time. And so when he was finally successful, like we worked at the hospital together for years and years, and they were like family. And even  those people thought it blamed me. Oh, well, you wanted a divorce. You must be cheating on him.

You must be this, you must be that. And you know, and I'm like.  No, and I wouldn't tell him I didn't tell him what I was going. Nobody asked first of all Yeah, and second of all, I was still keeping a secret for him beyond the grave because I'm like now he's dead I'm not gonna sit there and badmouth him and blast him, you know, like that was everything He was trying to save from him for himself.

So of course, I'm not gonna go out there now and tell everybody, you know so I just took it and his family and everybody put it on me and I just took it and and Still try to just survive for me and the kids. And so  Yeah, so then I went through a cortisol crisis nine days. No cortisol in my body Should be dead should have been dead nine days prior and I kept going into the ER and like something's wrong with me I don't know what's wrong.

I'm dying. Help me. Nope, you're fine. They take 27 vials of blood each time They thought I would eventually after the fourth time in the ER in two weeks they thought I was drug seeking or crazy or suicidal and they're like They're like, there's nothing wrong with you. I'm like, I am dying. Help me. They're like, Oh, you're suicidal.

You're suicidal. We need to send you to be med. So they try to send me to be med. I'm like, I'm not suicidal. I'm here because I want to live like help me. And so when they finally found the cortisol.  Crisis that they were overlooking and it was in their face. And I,  outside nurse practitioner, friend of mine who was my primary care, she found it, all the ER notes were going across her desk and she caught it.

And she's like, Cindy, get to the ER. Now you're in a court. She didn't tell me why, because when you have no cortisol, like that's stress. And if she stressed me out, it could literally like, she's like, you need to get back there. I'm like, no,  I'm not going back there. I know how they treat you there.  They treat you like you're drug seeking or crazy.

And I'm neither of those things. And I'm not going back. She's like, but we know what it is now, Cindy. She's like, I called them. They've got steroids ready for you. They got a bed ready for you. I'm like, no. I'm going to die at home with my babies. And I know that sounds totally irrational right now, but when you're like in fight or flight and like you're dying, your body shutting down, you're not rational, especially when you've been fighting the doctors already and they're telling you you're crazy and they're going to send you to be mad, you know?

I'm like, why am I going to go back there? I'm going to. I'm not dying in a hospital, but you did, I do know that you eventually you went, right? Yeah. And they like helped you get better. They did eventually help me get better. They acknowledged it. That was about 10 years ago. But this is prior to like you traveling with your kids and all the things before we went to Bali.

 Yeah. So you've had a lot that was like leading up to like all the things you've done. Yeah. And the whole reason you're sitting on my couch too, is because you have something really cool that you're working on. Yes. But this is like the crazy thing about you. Okay. As I'm like, okay, so I know you almost died then, but you recently really died.

And I told you, I go, you look so good because I just expected like we would be going to your funeral the last couple of years. And everybody that's known me has felt that way. 

So I literally, we did something over at my sister's pool and you came and I was like, Oh, she is not well. Yeah.

Yeah. And I don't know what you thought of thought then, but I know like looking back, like I I'm like, I wonder what people thought that didn't know what was happening with me. I'm like,  cause I literally was a walking skeleton. You looked like one. Yeah. I had no blood in my, I didn't know I had no blood in my body.

No iron on my body.  You looked like,  what's. You were not what's the opposite anorexic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was skin and bones literally like I don't know how I was live Honestly, I was just pretending at that point  but that's what stopped our travels really because we were gonna do the 50 states and we got to 30 and I came back for a family funeral and And I was told not to get back on that plane to back to Florida.

I'm like, well why? And I'm like, I have no reason. And when I say told I, I get like intuition and if I don't listen, like I learned the hard way, you're talking about, but I know people are watching. You're like, what do you mean you're told not to get on the plane?  So I was like questioning it. I'm like, well, if I'm not supposed to get on that plane, then, then I'll get like a refund on my tickets or something.

None of that happens. I'm like, well, I'm going, well, I went to say goodbye to my friend and I literally hit the pavement. She had to like catch me and like. Take me in her house on the couch and I call the kids. I'm like, Hey, I guess we're not getting on the plane. I don't know why  But then my cousin so actually my husband who committed suicide his cousin They were like best friends and he helped me through all that ordeal he still helps me to this day when I need it and our kids are really close and  He took one look at me and he's like Cindy.

Have you looked at you? Do you know what you look like? He's like, I, and I'm like, what do you mean? You know, I was literally just in survival still.  And so he's like, you need a break. He's like, you leave the kids with me and you go just do whatever you need for yourself for two weeks. And I was like, what?

I had never done that in my life.  It was always my mom, my sisters, my husband's, my kids, my foster kids. It was never me. I never looked at me and took care of me.  And so during that time, like it really hit me how bad I was. And I started going to the doctor to see what's going on. And they sent me for emergency blood infusion.

Cause I had no blood in my body. They're like. How are you even walking right now? And then they gave me iron infusions, which my body rejected. I went into anaphylaxis and high fevers and my breathing stopped and pain in my abdomen. And they're like, well, you have to have it, you know? So they're like, here, we'll give you a Benadryl and then the iron.

Uh, and, and all of a sudden, like something here told me, stop, what are you doing? Like you're poisoning, your body's telling you no. And you're forcing this in your body, like stop.  And so then they did more testing and.  And finally there, they told me I had cancer and they didn't know which one, but it was, it was down to these two very severe cancers and like a bone cancer or, um, lymphatic cancer.

And I don't have cancer. Well, so right. I was like, hold on. I've never heard this. Yeah. So this, this was last September, not, not last September, a year ago, September. And  they're like, well, we need to do a bone marrow biopsy and a lymph node biopsy. But at that point my body couldn't, you saw me, my body could not withstand it and they knew that. They're like, this is very, , it's a very traumatic procedure to be honest. Very painful.  So anyway, they were gonna send me in for, for those two things. And I was again told, stop looking. You're gonna find what you're seeking.

Start living. And I was like, oh. So I didn't go to have those. It was down to, and they were like, Okay, well, you have probably three months to live. You're going to have one of these two cancers. And then, like, we don't even know if you're capable of handling, like, chemo or anything because of how severe it was.

And I knew I wasn't going to do chemo even if they said so. I'm like, I'm not doing that to myself. I will live my last days without chemo in my body. And so I just started living.  Um, and um, as best I could,  um, but you know, I still had no blood in my body, no iron. And I ended up in March 10th of last year.

So almost a year ago, I was really lightheaded. I went to get some sugar and I just passed out straight back in my kitchen, hit my head, split my head open. My girls were gone, my son was home, but he was asleep and I had a friend over thankfully. And she heard some noise and  she's like, Cindy?

And I didn't respond and she goes in to check on me and she said, I was just like, she's like, Cindy, you look like an angel. She's like, your hair was just splayed out like, like this crown above you. And you had this beautiful smile, like peaceful smile on your face.  And I thought you were teasing me. And she's like, and then I realized you weren't breathing and you were non responsive and, and she's like, and I went to, she said, I went to like grab you and, and blood just poured out of the back of my head. 

And so I had to have CPR seven times and got 10 broken ribs. And, you know, with all the different. Things in my life and all the spiritual experiences, which they've been, there've been a lot and how many times I have died with my cortisol and other reasons. I had toxic shock once that damn near killed me too.

This is crazy. I know it's insane what I've been through, but, but like every time, like I have. I always got like these beautiful messages on the other side. Right. And they're like, okay, you know, you need to start living your life like this or go experience,  all these beautiful messages. And it was always like a choice to, like I could stay on the spirit realm or I could come back.

It was always a choice. And every time I came back for my kids, I'm like, I don't want to live life. Life sucks. It's beautiful over here. It's peaceful. It's loving,  but I have kids. So I'd always go back. Do you have memories of being on the other side?  Yeah. So, so over all the years and all the different times, I would get all these different messages, but every time it would be like, Oh, I've got to figure out this life because I don't want to redo it.

Right. Because, because I just have this inner knowing that we're here for a reason on this earth. And I don't know what that reason is, but I knew I wasn't done yet all those times. And then also I had kids. And so this. leading up from September to March when I had no blood in my body and I was, I was taken out of this vessel a few times and before, before falling and hitting my head. 

And I was given messages then. And each time it was harder and harder to come back because the first time, you know, it was like, okay, I'm going back for my kids. The next time they're like, you can't go back for your kids. You you've done, you've given all you can to your kids at this point. If you go back, you have to find fun in life.

And I'm like.  Well, I don't think fun exists. So, you know, like I pretended I've like tried to have fun, but I was always faking it. Right. And not knowing that at the time, but that's what I was doing. And, and so then I was like, okay, then welcome, you know, like no judgment, no anything. It's just like, welcome.

Welcome to the promise. Yeah. And I'm like, wait, hold on, hold on.  Maybe there's fun in life. Cause I really didn't want to leave my kids still, even though I was told I couldn't go back for them. I'm like, maybe I could find the fun in life, you know? And so they're like, are you willing to try? I'm like, yeah, sure.

Yeah, I'll do that. You know?  So then I was taken out a third time before the. Accident and that time it was like, we're not fucking around with you anymore. Like you're not finding the fun in life. I'm like, I'm trying. I don't think it exists. You know, I'm doing everything I can  barely being alive. And and they're like, you know, are you willing to find the joy?

And that time it was joy. It wasn't fun. And I'm like. Oh,  is there just joy exists? Like what is joy? You know,  I'm like, well, I'm willing to try.  And so I was put back in my body. And then my accident that time, it was nothing. It was lights out. There was no peaceful, anything. There was no beautiful messages.

There was nothing.  It was just  done  and  so during the CPR and like they're trying to like call me back and they literally like ask your name That's something they do to train ground you and I know now that your your name is your claim to this vessel  And so like I'm trying to like make out what they're saying to me.

I don't even know what words are I'm like, did I get abducted and I'm on a spaceship? What is this spaceship? Like I had no idea what's going on and I didn't know what words were but I knew it was important that they were trying to communicate with me and I needed to reply and the word, the name Cynthia came out of my mouth.

And I'm like, but I didn't even know who Cynthia was. I don't know who Cynthia, like I'm Cindy, you know? Is your real name not Cynthia? It is. I thought, yeah. Yeah. I have never been called Cynthia in my life. Even when my mom's angry at me. I don't know who Cynthia is. Yeah. A lot of people don't call me Samantha.

Yeah. Yeah. And so like I, so the fact that I said Cynthia in that moment. Like, what was that? Cynthia.  Yeah. And I didn't even know what that was. So then I was out again. But then as I, so then, I get to the ER, that was on the ambulance for my recollection. I barely,  like I say, it was just lights out, but I believe that part was on the ambulance.

And then when I was in the ER again, like there was like all this commotion and chaos going around and I'm trying to like. Like, like call myself too and it's all white again,  but in the background, my daughter is on the phone, my 14 year old, well, she was 13 at the time and you know, she had struggled wanting to be alive, losing a dad and a brother and like all the trauma we've been through and, and if, if.

I was ever out of her aware, like not in her visual sight. She thought I was going to die as a kid. So she struggled her whole life. It was suicide and we've had to really work with her. And, and then she was in a really good place until my health took a hit, you know, this last year. And, and so she's on the phone just screaming and, and then my ex who, who cares about me, obviously he's on the phone, but he, he's drunk and that's part of why we're not married.

Cause he, he's an alcoholic and, um. And so she was calling him to try and get him to pick her up to bring her to the ER and he couldn't because he was drinking and but he's scared and nervous so he's on one phone like my son's phone and then my daughter's on my cousin's phone and I'm just hearing and they're all on speaker and I'm hearing this chaos and that's what pulled me back to but but in the mean that's what got me back like aware but I still didn't know what's happening but the statement comes across my head and it says  are you in or are you out  and I'm just like I don't know what that meant and then the next statement was why am I choosing to relive my mom's experience?

And I'm like what like I didn't know any of that But then with the chaos of my kids and my ex and I realized what was happening. I do chaos I handle chaos great, right? That's been my whole life. So so I couldn't move. I'm busted up I'm like in pain my neck's like in this brace, but all of us but I start talking I'm like put the phone to my ear while I start talking to my son.

I'm like hang up the phone tell Camry. I'm okay Tell her I'm okay, hang up the phone and so he's like mom's talking she's okay, but she's still freaking out So I'm like put the phone in my ear so I can tell her so she can hear my voice so she knows I'm okay  and  And then my ex still was was freaking out and yelling at the nurses and wanting to know what's going on And and I'm like put the phone to my ear and told him I'm okay But I need to hang up the phone right now.

Like this is not helping so  Anyway, yeah, and then I realized like I came to and was resuscitated in the same ER bay that my mom died in.  They resuscitated her for seven hours. Do you ever, I don't mean to make joke like light of this, but I feel like, , our human experience is ridiculous sometimes.

You're like, well played. Right? Well played motherfuckers. Like how can you make that shit up? Yeah. You just can't. There's so many times where I'm like, well played bitches. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, what is this movie? We're not knowing where we're living, you know, it's crazy. Okay, so I know you just had that.

That was crazy, but I have to tell you, you sitting here on the couch, you no longer look like Walking Death. Thank you. So, yeah, no, for reals.  I finally feel alive for the first time in my life. And I was kind of nervous. You invited me to come over to your house the other day, and I was really nervous about coming over.

And I actually appreciated you being like, Are coming? You coming? You coming? Cause I was trying to be like, no, no, no. I don't know what's happening. She's like, promise me I'm not joining a cult or an MLM.  I was like, I don't know if Cindy's okay. Right. I was like, Oh my God. Like you, you know, not that we got Cindy back, but you're like.

Yeah, you're alive. Yeah, you know, yeah, and that was intense because I almost wasn't and so when I was like Are you in or you out, you know, and it told me I had to find the joy And so being all busted up from that ten broken ribs, that's a lot of pain Like I have to have help up to the bathroom. Like I'm propped up in my bed I have to have help dressing like and so I would meditate.

I had been meditating for like this I'm just so excited about this right now All that was just You know, play, not really, but anyway, um, so, so I'm like in this pain and like, I keep being taken out of my vessel. Right. Cause I still have no blood and iron in my body and now I'm just busted up and in pain with it.

And so I'm like meditating to stay in my body and stay in my body, stay in my body. And then I was told again to meditate with ketamine.  And I used to judge ketamine really hard, but it, it saved my daughter when she was suicidal. We tried everything with her and ketamine saved her, but ketamine is, is amazing.

They use it for, you know, I mean, it's been around since  1960 something for anesthesia. It's really, really safe. They use it in newborns and pregnant moms and people with all kinds of health issues, very safe track record. And then they found out like it was helping people like PTSD and anxiety and depression and pain and bipolar.

And so much more, but those are ones surgery. You've had ketamine, right? Correct. They give it to you, right. When you go into anesthesia. Yeah, I just made that up. No, you're right. You said it right. So, so yeah, anyway, I was told to like meditate with ketamine. And so I did that and, and it said, do it for seven nights in a row.

And I was judging that. I'm like, what? That's a lot. And anyway, but I did it and by doing the meditations and by the third night, like everything in my body woke up.  Like every cell in my body started vibrating and active. Like my hands, my feet, my intestines, my, you know, everything was shutting down. My organs were shutting down.

My intestines were shutting down. Like my hands and feet had been numb since I was like 20. Neurologist told me I'd never get the feeling back there. Well, ketamine rewires neurons. And you have neurons obviously through your gut, through your hands and feet, through your brain. And so that's why it's so beneficial for all those things I already listed.

But, but in that moment, like everything in my body was vibrating. And I'm like, Oh, this is freaking me. I'm alive. I'm alive. And I could feel it. Feel like healing happening. And I know this might sound strange to people, but I could literally like feel everything waking up and like my blood start pumping and like my bone marrow start working to make, you know, blood cells and like, I could feel it and then the fourth night it's like, you're bringing this to the people.

I'm like, what the hell I am like, do you know what took me to get here? I've died 10 times. I've been meditating for 10 years. I'm on ketamine. Like, how am I supposed to bring this to the people? Right. Well, you're bringing it. Oh, I'm bringing it in a big way. So then it shows me like this setup. And I'm like, Oh, it's like, people are going to be able to experience what you're experiencing in one sitting with this whole setup.

But I'm like, well, I'm no inventor. So like, if this is out there, then you got to bring it to me. Right. And it's like, it's out there. You just have to put it together. Okay, so what you ended up setting up. It's really freaking cool. And I've tried it. No, I didn't do the ketamine. No. Yeah. And I had a really cool experience just.

Just with the, the setup, right? Setup. Yeah. It sounds weird. I'm all the setup. I know. It's like, how do you describe this thing that it came through meditation, but ultimately what it is, is what is it? It's frequency. I'm like, I don't even know. Yeah. And frequency is everything. Everything is frequency. Like everything I know is your back right now.

Um, so, so everything runs at a certain frequency. So your organs, your, you know, your blood system, like even, even like inanimate objects are a certain frequency. Right. And this is like all proven it's been kind of suppressed, but it's coming out. Um, NASA study, like they know like certain frequencies kill cancer cells, like certain frequencies, like, like just.

Everything, if you get it at the optimal frequency will run optimally. And so this, this setup, basically what you've created is like you lay down and then.  It's you put on the headphones. Uh huh. And then you lay and then you close your eyes. What's happening?  But you got this really cool light. Yeah, you got England.

Is that right? Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah from the UK. Yeah And it creates like patterns. Yeah, so it's like it what it's doing is it's flashing white lights and it's doing brainwave entrainment So it's, it's rewiring and waking up your brain was the coolest thing ever. I, and then you've got the sound frequencies and so what you're laying on, um, it like vibrates too, but more not like it's like, it's like, yeah, it's just the sound, boom, boom, boom, boom, right?

And then you've got these really cool light patterns. And I was seeing like sacred geometry cause it's making the patterns, you know, it's not just a wild random flash of light and it was so awesome. We did the one, was it four and a half minutes?  And that was really intense to be like, yeah. The first one.

Yeah. And then the second one I was like, here, lay down and do it with me. And you put on one that's like a rocket ship. So we went up into space. And then I was like, I was like, we're just in like a dance party. I was the coolest thing ever.  I'm so glad. And it definitely totally changed. Um, I had been at a thing all day and the environment there was. 

It was, I was like, I'm gonna have to go home and like cleanse myself. Like, I was like, I got to get this energy out of me. I was just like,  and then I was,  in fact, I had called my husband and I had kind of cried on the way over to your house cause I was really upset about like.  Just like the time and like, it felt like I was being energy vampired, you know?

Yeah. And then I called him as soon as I got done at your house and I'm like, I'm coming home. And he's like, wait, what happened? What happened? Did you join a cult? Like, and I was like, no, it was really cool. It's like this meditation thing. And like, I just like, it did, it just completely shifted. Cause I was feeling like, uh, yeah.

And then I was like, we, yeah. It was awesome. Yeah. I mean, thank you for trusting me and coming. And I know, I know you were terrified and I'm like, I promise you it's going to be good. And you're like, but I'm going to have a long day at work. And I'm like, this is exactly what you need then. So, I know, you know, I just wasn't sure because I do get a lot of people that were like, come to my thing.

And then you're like, well, they're trying to sell you on something.  Yeah. People get really excited about their MLMs. And yeah, I hear you. I hear you. But I was like, I just don't have the energy for this.  I get it. I get it. So I'm, I'm so glad you came. Thank you. Thanks for asking me. Honestly. And thanks for just being like, come, come, come.

I know. I knew you would love it. Cause I know like you had a fascinating, I don't know if you still do, but for awhile you had a fascination with like UFOs and all that. No, we were supposed to set up a time. Cause you said you can do the theta brainwaves. Uh huh. You don't just lose your fascination for UFOs, Cindy.

I, I didn't think so either, especially now that they're admitting they're real, you know?  Well, now I'm like, that's not  right. Yeah. I'm obsessed with aliens. You know that? Yes. But you said you can do the theta brain waves. Yeah. So, so that is one thing like people, um, when they do the theta, like they can communicate with whatever, like if it's spirits or aliens or whatever, like they feel called to connect to. 

See, before you leave today, we're going to set it up.  But so now people can come see you. Um, and like do sessions and I would liken it to like energy work, you know? But I mean, I spent over a year working with a shaman and that was the best thing that ever happened to me.  You know? So in fact, I was going to therapy at the shaman.

Um, and I was like,  where are you? My therapist go, I was like, Hey, I just, this is like, You know, this is like repeating my patterns every week and now I can actually heal it and release it with a shaman over here. . Yes. But I was also at a place in my life where, you know, like I think therapy's so good.

Absolutely. And I've done years of therapy that's helped me with so much, but. The energy work was doing it for me. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. So I would say this is similar to like energy work or if anyone's done experience reiki before or seen a shaman Yeah, yeah, and so so there's it's capable of so much and one of the things they say it's like a psychedelic light experience So you can have a psychedelic experience without medicine.

Yes, and you and I the very first we've only done two shamanic not shamanic  Psy Psilocybin. Psilocybin. Yeah. You always say tell me psilocybin . You always tell me I say it wrong. I love it though. It's so cute. . I say it like it's spelled psilocybin. Yeah, psilocybin. I've done two and the first one was with you.

Mm-Hmm. . And both times I did it with shamans. Yeah. We weren't just tripping out in my bedroom. Yeah, right.  , we're in the desert, which we should do that anyways. Yes.  But  so you were asking me, you're like, Hey, was it similar to some of the stuff you experienced on your, when you were basically tripping on magic mushrooms? 

And I'm like, no, that was my first thought was I was like, I saw this in my mushroom journey. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. And see, and that's, that was also why I wanted you to come experience it. Cause a lot of people like haven't had a psychedelic experience. Right. And so they don't have anything to relate it to and, and they love it, but it's.

Like, like I want to hear from people that have had both and can compare it. You know, I know what I've experienced and, and so yeah, it's the light show and the different, like, like tuning in. The other really cool thing is if you do it with somebody under there, you're like reading each other's mind. It's so cool.

Well, when me and you did it together, I was like, are you having as much fun as I am? Yes. Yes. I feel awesome. And then like the rocket would go in my head. We were going to like different.  Yeah. They were all having a rave.  I was like, how can I, how can we like set this up to where we can be up and dance and with the, the light?

I've, I've thought about this to be honest because like it's so fun. Yeah. But you have to lay under the light. Yeah. So, so I think like, I don't know. I have it planned out in my head. We'll figure it out someday. We'll, we'll try it sometime. You could probably be standing and facing it maybe. Yeah. Yeah, but also I was just enjoying laying there, right?

And it's so comfy. And then a lot of times people are like, I don't want to get up now. I just want to stay here forever and sleep under this thing. Like, ah, it's pretty, it's pretty awesome. But so, so yeah, now, so I, I take clients, um, and you can come and just rock out. You can go to space if you want. You can like jam out to like Some techno music.

You can also tune it to specific frequencies. But you can also work on different frequencies and different brain waves and um, and have whatever experience you're looking for. If you're looking for a meditative experience, if you're looking for a healing experience, if you're looking for just relaxation or fun, like, like whatever you're looking for, there's something for everyone. 

It's pretty amazing. And I have just, you know, I have quite a few stories and just tell a couple, like, uh, I don't guarantee it does anything cause I don't, I don't know. There's no science behind it. There's no like, like I can't say, Oh, he's going to cure this and this and this. But, but what I've had is I've had clients that have come, like I had one come, he was coming for like anger management issues, but he also had some knee pain and everything.

spiritual, mental, emotional, it's physical, like it'll show up in your physical body if you're not addressing it. And so he, I could see he kept like rubbing his knee. I'm like, what's going on with your knee? And this is, you know, being a nurse, number one. And then I did go into, like, I do energy work with people and so I've kind of like brought all, all of my tools from my toolbox together when I work with people.

And so I tuned into his knee and I like, there's like this Bible literally, I think it's like this medical bible. It's amazing but if you even if you stub a toe and you read like Why did I just stub my big toe? Oh because you're not paying attention to this in your life, you know so anyway, I just tuned into his knee.

He was there for anger stuff. I put him under the session with one with You know, his first session, he comes back the next week. He's like, I have had no more pain in my knee. I've had chronic pain for two years and he's an extreme sport, a skateboard, like snowboard, pair parachuting, and he was out snowboarding again.

And so he came for six sessions and he's had no more pain still. And he just loves it. So, so, there's that. I have,  a woman that had severe sexual violation her whole life, one session. And she was like, Cindy, like she's gone to counseling. She's on anti anxiety. She's on sleep meds. She smokes weed. She does everything to try and get the anxiety down.

And she was like, that is the first time I felt bliss in my life. And I check in with her like the week after she's like, I have no more racing thoughts. She's like this, I've never not had that my whole life, you know, even as a kid, she always had racing thoughts and, and, there was one more I wanted to share, but anyway, it's not coming to me right now, but anyway, everybody, like, I can't guarantee what it's going to do, but everybody that's come experienced it has like just had whatever they needed from it and it's been amazing.

I experienced joy. Yay. Which is funny. Cause that's not your life theme. I know it is. I'm like joy, joy, joy. And that's where I'm at now with people. I'm like, you know what? We've done all the trauma healing. Let's just.  Let's just get into the joy,  that's what I was told like find the joy like stop Digging in the trenches stop rolling with the shit like find the joy Okay, so you're based in Southern Utah if anyone's listening and they're in Southern Utah and they want to experience the experience Yeah, what are you calling it quantum bliss? 

It's so fun. Yes, it's like science meets science 

That's that's the only word there is for it, you know? Yeah. How do people reach out to you? So quantum bliss. co is the website. it is under construction right now, but it should be done next week, but there is a landing page so you can find some information. You'll find it when this is out. Okay. Yeah.

Perfect. And then,  also quantum bliss. co on Instagram. Okay. I always tell people to go to Instagram, but I was like, I don't know if you're like doing woosh it on Instagram or if you're back on the ground. Well, yeah, I, I just started a new account. I just started it, but I have nothing on it. So by next week or whenever this is out, I'm like, I got to get some content on there.

I will tag you in these,  in these little snippets. Then you'll have some videos. I love it. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, you know, like there's people that are, if you are visiting Southern Utah. Come visit me because I'm telling you it's, it's an awesome experience and yeah, it's, it's worth it. It's worth it.

Well, thanks for sitting on my couch today. Thanks for having me and thanks for not trusting me, but still showing up anyway at my house.  So I'm really good at putting my walls up and I'm sure you know that I'm like wall, boom, done. But I love the people in my life who recognize that I'm doing that. I've got a couple of friends and just even family, they know that I'm doing that and they're like, No, we're not respecting your wall privacy because it's, we know, we know you and I just, I just fucking love you.

And I know like we've, you know, a lot of years and different business stuff and like you've seen me in and out of it and not knowing what I was going through. Right. And like, you were like, Cindy, you were really dark there for a while. And when you first said that, I was like, well, that was kind of mean.

And I'm like, no, she's right. Um, and I mean this with love and respect, like you weren't healthy  and there wasn't, and I remember thinking like, I wonder if there's something I could do for Cindy or like be a better friend or reach out to her more. But it was just one of those things where I'm like, she's just kind of on her, I had to go through it, experience.

Even if people reach out, that would just be more overwhelming. I couldn't have at the time. I just had to experience it. And I would get a lot of updates too from her. About you from our mutual friend, Cammie. I got a lot of updates. She was always like, this is what's going on with Cindy and I'll be like, wow, like I would just like almost pray for you.

You know, I was like just sending you love and thank you. And I'm just glad you're sitting here. Honestly, me too for the first I will say for the first time in my life at what am I? I don't know 45, however old I am.  I actually want to be here. I have no idea how old you are. I'm 24. In my mind I quit mentally aging at 24.

So, I'm 24. But in  all my years, even as a child, like I never Wanted to be alive. I was just getting through this life for the promises of the blessings on the other side of what we're programmed Is you know in religion or whatever? Like okay, I just got to suffer enough that then I'll get the blessings on the other side, you know And that's what I was kind of experiencing too as I was dying and being taken out of this body It's like oh, it's beautiful here, but you got to go back and suffer some more, you know And now it's like no, I don't have to suffer anymore.

I get to I want to be my body's alive and I'm feeling joy and there's no other way to describe it. And I want everybody to feel that in this lifetime. Oh, I love it. That's beautiful.  Thank you. All right. Well, thank you, Cindy. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. Namaste. Namaste.