The Samantha Parker Show

HUNGOVER

• Samantha Parker, Jalynn Cchroeder • Season 1 • Episode 17

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*TRIGGER WARNING*

Jalynn Schroeder and I are diving deep into the ups and downs of sobriety and the journey to authenticity. We talk openly about our struggles with alcohol and the tough but enlightening road to sobriety. From those uncomfortable moments of self-reflection to the challenges of socializing without a drink.

We share why we decided to stop drinking and how it led us to realize we were using alcohol to cope with social anxiety. Jalynn talks about their uncertainty about a future without alcohol and the daily discomfort that comes with that choice.

It is so important to be comfortable in your skin and not need substances to have fun. We also touch on the struggle with self-acceptance, the fear of judgment, and how relationships change when you share your sobriety journey.

This honest conversation illuminates the personal battles and societal views surrounding sobriety, making it a truly relatable experience.

From dealing with the pressure of being around substances to sharing our personal stories, the vulnerability and connection in this conversation are genuinely inspiring. We know sharing will make others feel less alone on their journeys.

So, grab your AirPods, find a cozy spot, and join us as we navigate the highs and lows of sobriety, self-acceptance, and personal growth in sobriety.

Let's dive in!

Connect with Jalynn on Instagram @jalynnschroeder

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 I'm so nervous to record this podcast.  I've put out some scary episodes before and I don't know why this is like gonna go in my top two.

It feels really vulnerable, 

I've been living in the safety of like the secret closet. Yeah. And the secrets felt really good.

I feel like you're really good at being really brave online, but are you, or does it come off that way?  I think I am. For the most part, but what we're about to talk about today I think that's the last thing that I had a lot of like anxiousness about sharing and then I just had to do like one Two three it's time to share because it made it real 

I'm going through this little mourning process of everything that it could have been without it. 

Maybe we should put a warning at the front of this podcast because it is really triggering.

I'm calling this episode Hungover, and it is because 



 ​

 So Jalynn, welcome to the Samantha Parker show. Thanks for having me. So we just did a little bit of a beginning here where I was like, I'm so nervous to record this podcast.   I've put out some scary episodes before and I don't know why this is like gonna go in my top two. I'm proud of you.

It does. It feels really vulnerable, but I don't know why, you know, after this comes out, I'm going to be like, Oh, that was it.  That was it. You dumbass. I think it's because I've been living in the safety of like the secret closet. Yeah. And the secrets felt really good. Yeah. Okay. So Jalynn is one of my friends.

You're my soul sister. Yes. I don't know how else to describe you. I think that's perfect. We're aliens floating in the cosmos together. But I mean, you have a really cool thing that you do. so your handle is Jalen Schroeder  and you, I'm like, well, you sell a Mare, that's not like the intro one to give you at all.

I think that you share your Instagram profile is so much fun because it shares just like the ultimate truth of you. Yeah, it's just, it's me sharing my journey ultimately. And then there's some products that I use along my journey and that's. That's, that's me. Yeah. You just went like mega viral. I saw your reel was up to 2.

1 million, but that was yesterday. Is it higher than that? I have no idea.  I'm trying to, I'm have put that out of my mind. Well, it's, I, I looked at it because I was like, I wonder how she's doing with that. And then I was like, Oh shit. It's like, it's gotten even more.  I think it was last time I checked yesterday was like 2.

2. 5 or something. Yeah. So you basically, all you did though, was you shared like about how you naturally flushed out your gallbladder, correct? Yep. And people are like mad about it. They're very upset that I didn't get my gallbladder removed. But I also saw a lot of really good comments. Yeah. Tons. And a lot of people that are like, I didn't know there's other options.

Yeah. I don't think I would know if I went in and they're like,  it's causing you all this pain and distress and it's full of all these. And they were like, we'll just take it out. No big deal. I would have been like, okay. Yeah. And I mean, that's my, that was my whole intention of sharing this was that there's other options out there.

Yeah. So I feel like you're really good at being really brave online, but are you, or does it come off that way? Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, totally. I think, I think I am.  For the most part, but what we're about to talk today talk about today I think that's the last thing that I had a lot of like anxiousness about sharing and then I just had to do like one Two three it's time to share because it made it real And I mean, you know, you know exactly what i'm talking about Oh, yeah, obviously different like different paths and different stories and journeys with this But it's that's like the last thing that really made me nervous So we're lesbians now, just kidding.

We have something to say, sorry husband. Just kidding, not at all. I don't do that.  I don't know why, but when you were saying that I was like, people probably think we're lesbians. I mean, it could have gone that way. It could go any way at this point, right? I mean You do you, man. You do you. I like being married, though, to my husband.

Yeah, me too. , this one has been really, really scary for me to talk about, and, you know, let's just do it. So, I'm calling this episode Hungover,  and it is because I am currently sober. Yay!  And it's been something I haven't wanted to talk about, and I haven't wanted to share with people, and I've just really been avoiding everyone, and I don't, I don't like it.

Like, I don't even like this conversation right now. I Me either, honestly.  So the reason why Jalynn is sitting here is because, we went to earth. We went to earth with no A on Friday.  Obviously the time that you guys are listening to this is a little bit different, but.  We went to earth.

It's like fire, fire and ice. What do they call it? Hot, cold. Yeah, hot, hot and cold therapy, basically. Yeah, I'm like, is there some like name that the boys are calling us these days? The boys.  Living your ultimate life, cold plunging and then getting in the sauna. Yeah. So we went to this place that does it and we're sitting in the sauna and I had already been prepped that I was going to tell Jalyn this thing.

And I was like, okay, I'll tell you something. I was like, you really like triggered me.  And I was like, I just remember opening my Instagram and I was like, Ooh, Jalyn has a real, a lot of times, like I don't really scroll rails. Like on the main feed, you know, that I was like, Oh, you know, you're like, I'll hype my girls up. 

And it was like, you were talking about how you had decided to go sober. It was a real, and I was like this bitch.  And I have to tell you, it was three days after something horrible happened. And I didn't,  do you know, alcohol does not make me my best self, but we can get into, cause everyone's like, what happened?

What was the thing?  Like I must've got arrested and like robbed an old lady at gunpoint. Yeah. But I killed someone and it's like, that's, that's not what happened, but it wasn't fun. And so I'd gone to AA, I was looking at the time that I saw your post, I was actually sitting in my chair over there and, or maybe I was at home.

I don't know, but I had been talking to even going into a 30 day rehab and looking at different options like that. So I was like, what? but it wasn't that like, Oh, shame on you for going on a sober journey. It just was like, Oh my god, it felt like slap in my face. Yeah, totally. Not by you. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it totally makes sense. I mean, I think I would have been the same way too, you know? And the funny thing is, like, I was going through my own process. I was actually so scared to tell my husband, and then I was so scared to tell my friends, and then I was so scared to post it on Instagram because I knew as soon as it's out there, it's real.

And again, we have different like journeys leading up to this, but it became so real when I, you know had to tell people and I was more worried about what other people were going to think and say and i've already had Relationships shift. So it's not weird at all. Do you feel like they're shifting like good or bad or neutral?

I don't. I, I feel like just because I've done this before, not with alcohol necessarily, but like leaving religion and leaving the company I was with for seven years. I think those shifts I'm used to now. And now I can see if there's relationships that change or if they fall away, or if I just,  Take a break from those relationships that it's for the greatest, the greater good.

So I don't, I'm not seeing it as bad now. It is hard, but not, I'm not viewing it as bad. Yeah. Well, there's been times where I've said about certain people that I've met, I've been like, Oh, I think they're really great. Like maybe we'll be friends, but we'll never be friends, friends. Yeah. Like that's come out of my mouth because they didn't drink.

Yeah.  Yeah. Okay. So let's get into the nitty gritty of this.  What really like prompted you to make that post in the first place? So I'm very open with the big things I go through in my life. I mean, there's a ton of things I haven't shared and I don't share, but this one I felt like I needed to put it out there because it's such an interesting topic and it's, I mean, there's so many layers to it.

I mean, growing up Mormon, and not drinking, and then drinking in college, and being so surrounded with guilt and shame, and then not drinking while I was married, and then leaving the church, and then drinking again, just like all these different like layers to this journey.  And I feel like for me and with my Instagram and how I have promised myself, I want to show up organically and authentically, I knew I needed to share it.

And I know that there's people out there that can relate, even if some people like, eh, not for me, I know I had so many messages of people like, Oh my gosh, I've been feeling this too. I knew I needed to share and almost to hold myself accountable as well. Yeah. Well, deep down inside, when I saw your thing, I was like, Oh my God, I'm not alone.

Yeah. But at the time I wasn't, I was like still feeling guilt, shame. I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. Yeah, totally. So I think that's really cool that you're just like, I got to share it because I felt like I told you this, I was like, I feel like a fucking liar, you know?

I've got some friends who think I'm mad at them because I'm just like skirting them and not even like because they'll be like, oh, the bitch went sober,  just because I'm not ready for the conversations. Yeah. And I think, I think it's a process. I mean, I've been avoiding people too, because, I mean, I know, I'm sure you can, you feel this way too, but it's like, I feel like the culture that we live in Is I don't have a lot of people that hang out and aren't on some sort of substance And i'm moving more and more away from that So it's really hard to be around that and it's not even necessarily because for me it's a temptation.

It's more I just Feel differently. And I want those like authentic and deep connections without substances. And that's what I'm craving right now. Yeah. So far I haven't experienced like, hold me back. You know, we've got to hide the liquor. That's not the type of alcoholic that I am. Yeah. Okay. But tell me like, what does drinking me to you?

Like.  Are you drinking like every day? Like, let's just kind of define it because yeah.  We'll get into my part of the story, but like, I go to AA now.  I've been to AA before. We'll get into that too, but there's so many versions of like what being an alcoholic is. Totally. So alcohol for me, I would say after we left the church, we were drinking pretty frequently.

I would say like once or twice a week, very heavy on the weekends. And then as I kind of started my health journey, it started more being weekends and vacation. And then it has shifted to just vacation, and now it's shifted to obviously nothing. So, I mean, it's kind of gone through different waves. But the more in tune I am with my body, the more my body is just like, no.

From what I see of you, like, you do, you know, these crazy cleanses, you shit out 10, 000 parasites. Like, quite literally. Yeah, I saw the videos.  And it's kind of like, why would you put a neurotoxin into your body? Well, yeah, and like I said, I mean, when I'm doing these cleanses and clearing out my body, I truly.

I know this is going to sound wee wee or whatever you want to say, but  the more I'm cleansing and becoming more in tune with my body, the more my body is speaking to me so loudly. And even if it's just one drink on the weekend or at dinner, like my body is just like instant no, because I have a very clean vessel.

I'm very connected to my body. And I just don't, like, it affects me no matter what, even if it's just one drink here or there, or even if it's like a whole binge night, or on vacation, you know, a month ago that we drink every single day for seven days, like, I feel like I'm still recovering from that a month later. 

I've noticed, so, I am 30 days sober. When I go to AA again, I'll get my 30 day chip. Yeah, I have my 24 hour ones. Those ones are so humbling.  They're like, who here is in 24 hours of recovery? And you're like,  but okay. So what, can you remember the first time that you drink? Yes. You can? Yes. I can't.  Not because I was like blackout, I just don't remember.

Yeah. I can remember because it was when I was still Mormon and I was like upset about something so I went to the guy's house I was dating and I was like, let's get wine coolers.  That's funny because we grew up in the same area and , the first, I don't remember the first time I had like a drink of alcohol because it was really normal in my house.

It was just everywhere. Yeah. And I'm going to say this right off the bat, though. My alcohol journey has been mine. I know that no one poured the bottle down my throat, you know, it didn't matter that I grew up around alcohol. It's just, this is who I am. Yeah.  So I'm like, if my mom's listening, don't feel guilty, mom, it's fine.

It was me, not you.  But I, I just don't remember like the first time that like I had a sip or anything because it wasn't like naughty, you know? I do remember my high school boyfriend, Russ, Russell Wall, sorry, buddy,  his sister was older and she bought us like, when you could buy wine coolers at the grocery store, and we like each had like one in the back of his truck before we went to like a high school dance.

And I don't remember, like, I just remember being like, okay, like nothing. I do remember the first time I got drunk. I wrote it down on this postcard. I have so much adrenaline running through me right now. You know, what's wild is I talked about, I feel like I'm really open and I'm like, Oh, like, you know, I love to hear people even who are religious talk about their stuff and like all, and this is, this is so scary to me to like,  but I feel like I'm putting it on the table right now and having to examine my old life.

Yeah. And last night at AA, I was like, I said,  when it was my turn to share, everyone gets a sharing turn. And you go, hi, I'm Samantha. I'm an alcoholic. Everyone goes, hi, Samantha. And I'm like, well, fuck this.  But I was talking about how I've really been mourning the person that I could have become without alcohol.

And, you're not supposed to look back, but I just feel like I'm going through this little mourning process of everything that it could have been without it. And I feel God, my higher self, whoever you want to identify with is really like. Just like here non stop right now. Yeah, and so like when the pictures and the images and the thoughts come into my mind I just let them come.

Yeah, and it's not fun I think it's beautiful you're sharing this like process because This is the part that people don't get to see usually when people talk about their, journey with alcohol or whatever They're just seeing either this part of it or this part of it so you being authentic and sharing like this messy middle of You're grieving, like, what you thought you could be, and you're grieving relationships and all this stuff.

Like, this is a really important part to share, because this is what, this is the part where people feel fucking lonely. Yeah, and that was the first thing I said, was I'm like, I feel like I'm gonna lose everyone I love. And now, though nobody, like, what am I talking about? You know? Well, it's our, it's our, don't you think it's our, like, ego trying to keep us safe?

Like, oh, you're gonna lose your friends.  Alcohol is sick. I feel like, you know, and I've actually said for years, , one time my daughter said something about like, would use something on the planet you wish never existed. And it was just like, I said, alcohol. Yeah. And she was like, what? And I was like, yep, that's what I said.

And I just kind of walked off,  okay. So I can remember the first time I got drunk. I was 17 years old. This is so hard. And I remember we went over to a friend's house. I was actually living with my dad in Salt Lake and I'd driven down to hang out with my friends in Pleasant Grove, Utah.

We're talking about Utah guys. And,  I hadn't really ever drink, so I just got blackout drunk. And the guys, they were friends, like really good friends. They like put me in a room, but one of their friends came in and basically like raped me. Oh my gosh. Cause that's what it was, you know? Well, yeah. And that's where I think it really started where I was like, oh, it's fine.

I was drunk. Yeah. You know, oh, it's fine. I was drunk and it really, really kind of spiraled from there. And even after, you know, I had Harley, I hate to even say this, like this is where I get so sad. is there were so many times that I would just, I've chosen drinking over my kids even,  where I was like, just, Push them off like somewhere safe.

You know, I never was like raging around with my kids and stuff, but I was like, here, my mom will take them. Someone will take them. Someone will take, you know what I mean? And it was just so I could drink.,  I would, you know, obviously like I would buy alcohol over anything at that point in my life. 

And it's so fucked. I fucking sucks to like, say that out loud.  But then, you know, as I've been going through this process of mourning who I've become, there's been so many things that I'm like, I cannot believe that happened to me , one time I was date raped outside a bar in the back of like a really shady truck.

This is a story I've never shared publicly either. That's where I'm like all these things, you know, that have to do with alcohol.  And I knew the two boys who had done it, I ended up in the hospital, I had to get stitches like down there without getting into too much detail. And maybe we should put a warning at the front of this podcast because it is really triggering. 

 But,  the police, you know, they kept coming by my house too. It was like this female police officer. Cause she knew that I knew who did it. And I was like, Nope, I don't know. Nope. I don't know. And I mean, I was like beat up. Like I couldn't go to work for a while because I had bruises all over and  It's fucking sick, but I was like, it's fine.

I was drunk. Yeah.  But again, like I had chosen to go that bar. Not that it was cool that they put that in my drink, you know, but. , there's so many stories like this. One time when Jake was deployed the first time,  well, the second or third, I don't know what time, second time he was deployed,  I had just had Caden, Caden was probably like six months old and I decided to go out with my brother in law, my sister in law, which was totally fine and safe.

Caden was at home with my sister. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I just, I drank and drank and I woke up in the hospital. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And the police were like, we found you in a gutter downtown at the mall. And I was like, I don't even know how I got there or like why I was in a gutter. No recollection of it.

So now I'm like, there's all this scary stories that it's just been like, it's okay. You're drunk. Plus. Even if I broke it down to the micro stories, there's thousands of them where it was like, Oh, she acted crazy. It's okay. She was drunk, you know, but really what hit me to where I am right now.  Because I know people like we'll scoff it off to like, Oh, in my twenties, I was crazy, but what really, really set me off this time.

 And again, in 2020, I got sober, , and I was sober for about 10 months. I went to a little bit of AA before they closed it for COVID.  But 2020, it was just like, I just didn't feel good in my body. And I think it was a really good, like, I don't feel like I failed sobriety. Yeah.  Because I keep getting this voice in my head.

That's like, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. Yeah, totally.  I quit going to AA when COVID shut down and then,  then we went on vacation somewhere eventually. Oh, we went to Sedona and they like gave us free, like welcome margaritas. And I was like, okay. Now, like right now I'd be like, no, thank you.

 Because I had never planned on always being sober. My plan then was to get a handle on my drinking because I was a, one bottle of wine, why not two? Why not three? Why not four? Why not take shots? Oh, I've been out at dinner drinking. I was going to drink till I fell asleep at home. I can't even tell you how many weekends, not just like one day, but how many, like two or three days I've spent hungover.

How many IVs I've gotten? Like, what the fuck? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. But this sucks to even admit to.  So where my house, my husband was like, you're done. It was, A few Sundays, quite a few Sundays ago,  I went over to my friend's pool,  drank a whole bottle of wine by myself, then proceeded to drink shots with her, drove home and don't remember driving home.

And this is pretty common behavior for me.  And I'm like, I'm like driving around drunk, you know, and like, that's disgusting. I think people that do that are like disgusting. And that's me. So sometimes,  looking in the mirror isn't fun. Yeah. But I got home and I had set up an IV nurse for Caden because he was really, really sick.

And Jake was at home taking care of him. It wasn't like I was, you know what I'm saying? I'm a very high functioning alcoholic. The next morning I was out running on the trail song over, you know,  but the nurse was like, what's up with your mom? And my son goes, Oh, she's just drunk. It's just what she does.

And I was like, Oh, we're done. Yeah.  And I've noticed that my daughter was kind of starting to model some of my behaviors and I'm like, how can I say anything  if I'm not willing to like address my own issues?  So, after that Sunday, well what happened that Sunday night,  I called my uncle who's, been sober for quite a few years, he did rehab and everything, and I mean I was a hot mess, I like have never cried so hard in my life, like my face hurts so bad, and I just told him all these things, and he, it was so great because, I've never had anyone just like sit and listen who got it,  people are like, well, it's okay.

Like maybe you didn't eat dinner the night before. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I'm trying to justify things. Yeah. And I don't have judgment of anyone who's drank at all. Like that's not even it. Like, I don't care if that's.  You have a bottle when you die. 100%. Like that's like totally on you.

Just the same way. I don't care what religion you opt into. You know what I mean? I just know for me, I have no cutoff. I make horrible, horrible choices. And you know, I'm like, I could kill someone. I could kill myself at this point. Yeah.  But my uncle was great and he sent me a bunch of rehabs to look at.

And I did explore going to rehab and, you know, maybe that might be something I choose to do one day.  There was a lot of reasons where I was like, this isn't appropriate for me, but you know, I'm just, I'm just doing it.  And the one thing that I've learned so far is you can't, they call it future flipping.

Have you ever heard those before? So they talk about it in AA. Every time you say AA, take a shot, but don't.  And it's where you're constantly like, well, I'm just not going to drink forever. And you start like hyperventilating and freaking out. And I'm like, it's, I'm not drinking today. Yeah. You know, I know I'm sober today.

I might not be tomorrow.  And that's such a beautiful thing because it just really calms my body down and calms my mind down. And so, yeah. Okay. There we go. I talked a lot. Just one day at a time. Yeah. I have a lot more things to say about it. Yeah. I love it. Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable. I mean, I think that, I think your story is going to help a lot of people.

I know. And that's one thing my uncle told me too.  As I was like sobbing like a psychopath,  he was like, Sam, you're going to help so many people. He goes, I've helped a lot of people too. And you know, I just said, even the next day, like, cause he texts me like every day and I'm like, you know, I'm really sorry for that phone call.

And he's like, nope, that's like it. It's just like, nope.  And he's like, I've been there too, you know?  But, what I have found in the first three weeks, I felt like absolute shit.  I'm calling it the government virus. That's what we call it now. I got horribly sick, like right off the bat. And that was after, you know, he's like, my uncle's like, you need to find your version of God or whatever it is to you.

So I went and sat out in the backyard. He's like, meditate, pray, whatever the fuck you want to call it. You know, I don't care. And I was like, okay, like, what do you want from me? And then to get super, super sick. Then I locked my SI joint and couldn't walk or do anything. And it's like, so I feel like I was in pain, brain fog, insanely ill for three weeks.

And I was like, what the fuck do you want from me? You're like doing a major purge right now  of everything. But I have felt like the last few days I can feel like.  This is, I don't have any scientific evidence, but I feel like my brain has stopped being swollen and puffy. And all of a sudden it's like sober mind, the clarity that is coming through.

I mean, I, I believe it.  Like I believe it.  What else have I said to you? I said I think I would feel better about coming out and telling people I was going on a mission for God  than saying that,  I'm not going to drink anymore. Yeah. I mean, that's, I mean, if you think about it, that's the society we live in.

It's like, I mean, look what's happening with, you know, my real and my social media and getting all that hate. Like people are really fighting against natural ways of healing. And like anything that's against the norm  is looked down upon, even though it's crazy because we're, we're stepping into the best version of ourselves.

You know, I think alcohol has gotten like wildly insane too. It has. Where it's just. It's glamorized. It is and it's it's glamorized. It's also One of like the biggest escapes and I mean I'm seeing so much content now that I've been talking about, you know being sober I get so many recommend recommended reels now and like all of them sharing the science behind what it does to our brain So what you're saying is spot on like what it does to our brain is actually pretty crazy And that's even just one drink a week That's not even like getting blacked out on the weekends or like, you know, multiple drinks during the week.

That's just one drink per week. What it does to our brain. Well, I've already noticed my face shape has drastically changed. Yeah.  I was like, whoa,  you know? Yeah. My insides feel totally different. And honestly the clarity, the clarity has been fucking great. And  I'm starting to feel, and I know there's going to be good days and bad days, but I'm starting to feel that level of freedom that people talk about that I've never felt because before when I was like, I wasn't getting sober to be sober.

I was just getting sober to get a handle on my drinking because I thought I could go to a moderate drinker.   And the year that Jake was deployed most recently, I did so good. I mean, you saw me, but I have to tell you, it consumed every part of my life. I would be like, okay, I know so and so invited me over and I know there's going to be drinks on this day.

And I would start mentally preparing for it and I'd be like, you're going to have this many drinks and then you're going to leave or you're going to say no. And like, I would pick and choose. And then the whole time I was there, I was thinking about, okay, Sam, you've had two drinks, two drinks. And then I'd be like three drinks, three drinks.

No, no. Like, I mean, how far, that's not how I want to fucking live. Yeah. That's what I would have to do to stay in moderation. Yeah. That's called addiction. Yeah.  It really is. And it's, I don't know. And there's so many things I've done that I'm, and said that I'm just like, I'm not proud of, there's a lot of things in my life I am proud of, but like, that is not, it's just not me.

Yeah. And then like, even on my birthday, I was like, I hardly drank anything. And I, so I'd have these moments where I was like, Oh, look how great I am. And then it'd be like, boom, right off the cliff. Yeah.  I don't know. Don't you feel like that's kind of part of the journey, though? You have to, like, get to almost I feel like as humans, we have to get to rock bottom sometimes to, like, really be like, Okay, time to wake up.

Like, I feel like it's so easy to say, like, Oh, moderation and this. And I'm thinking about myself in many different situations. It's really easy to kind of just be like, Oh, I'm gonna do it this time, or this time, or this time. But I think we really sometimes have to hit that rock bottom to really be like, okay, I have to make some changes.

Yeah. And again, like to anyone listening, like you're on your own journey. Yeah. You know, it doesn't mean that I've changed. Yeah. Oh, actually that's a fucking lie.  You've changed.  Yeah. Immensely. I feel like I did a quantum leap as they like to call it. Yeah.  What's been fun though, is I can see, I think a lot of my life was consumed by alcohol.

And my hobby was drinking. Yeah. So now I'm like on the weekends before in 2020, when I got, we're just going to air quote it, super ish, whatever the hell I was doing. Yeah. I didn't know what to do with myself and I didn't know how to have a relationship with Jake and like all these things that I was going through, but this, none of that has come up this time.

That's awesome. Yeah. In fact, I bought, I'm like I could actually do all of these cool things. I love to cook and I just don't do that stuff anymore because I mean, you know, we're busy. We're busy bosses. Yeah. But so much of my time again was caught up into drinking and then the hangover. And then even if I wasn't super hungover, you know, it would be more like, I'm just going to sit here and watch Netflix.

Yeah.   But what have I done lately? That's been kind of, Oh, I decided that I could groom my dogs  There you go.  Just things where I, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. There's a lot of freedom.  I invited friends over for dinner Friday and I was like, Oh, I'm going to put the table in the yard and throw like a little garden party stuff.

I would've never, I would've just been like, how many drinks can I get out?  What else did I do? I ordered a pasta maker. Yes. Yeah. I was like, I can make this myself. It's not hard. Well, I think that's just showing, like it's giving us the opportunity to be more present because that's what I'm noticing as well too.

Even if I only had Like one or two drinks hanging out with people the next day, I would still feel so like sluggish, even if I didn't feel like I had a hangover, I still felt so sluggish. And then I was impatient with my kids. I didn't want to hang out with my kids. I'd be like, hey, go hang out with your friends, go watch TV.

Like, it was just so much harder to be present. Yeah. And then I was, you know, dealing with the tiredness.  You just don't feel great. No, it takes, it literally just takes away from life, period. So I, I just, I think that right now I'm just kind of in this like, I'm just kind of keeping to myself stage. Yeah.

You know?  I kind of am too, actually. You're the only person I've hung out with in a few weeks.  Same.  And it feels, it feels good though. I think there's a time and a space and a place to kind of like go within And to do what needs to be done, you know what I mean? I think that's, I think that's fine. Yeah, and I've made it through a lot of big things that I thought were gonna be like, you know, I would need to call and be like, I need help right now.

Yeah. But I just was like, I don't want to do that. The thought, the habit was there, like the body was like, Let's, this is what we do when we go here and that's, that's also been super interesting to me is like becoming way more aware of like my body and my, whatever, my cells and stuff, talking to each other and they're like, this is what we do. 

And, but I did, I made it through a whole vacation and that is two airport lounges where normally I would have had five or six glasses of wine because it was free and then got on the plane.  I remember getting to Alabama last year and being hung over. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, Oh,  that's fine. You know, whatever.

We'll just drink tomorrow. Yeah. But yeah, so I didn't drink in two airport lounges. I made it through a whole beach vacation. Didn't really have the audacity. That's the word that's popping into my head. The audacity to drink. I had a book. I read a physical book. That's amazing. I know. You know what else I've been doing?

I went and I bought a journal, which, you know, we all have journals and stuff, but I realized like I wasn't really writing anymore. Yeah. It's been taking me a little bit to get back. Like my penmanship because they just, you know, we text a lot and I was putting so much stuff in my notes app, but it feels really good to do that kind of stuff.

It's very therapeutic. Yeah. And then I made it through a concert in Vegas and a whole weekend in Vegas. Yes. That's the ultimate test right there. Yeah. And you know, what first really came up for me was, so we were in Alabama and we were on vacation and, Just being around people a lot is uncomfortable, you know, for everyone.

Yeah. I think they're all amazing people. It wasn't, you know, but normally like that anxiety that comes in, I would just be like, we'll just drink and then I'll just be chatty. Yeah. So I know that there might have been some moments where maybe I came off a little bitchy because I wasn't taught. I was just kind of keeping to myself and really observing.

But it was because I was like, I'm working on myself right now and I'm trying to do what's best for me right now. Yeah. I mean, I can totally relate to that. I don't. My alcohol and drinking was literally for other people. It was never for me. It was because I wanted to be more fun. I wanted to be more outgoing.

I didn't want to be introverted, and I didn't want to be the only one not drinking and not having fun. So, I mean, this New Year's Eve, I chose not to drink, and it freaking sucked. Like, the whole night sucked so bad. I ended up leaving early and taking my kids home. While everyone just like stayed and partied until 2 a.

m. But the cool thing is, I was the only one that didn't feel like shit the next day. Yeah, like everyone was still hungover for several days and I'm like, you know what, I was a wet rag last night and I was definitely in my head and I did not enjoy myself, but I felt so good that week. Yeah, but it's like, I'm not mad about it.

No, you know, I think it's just, I think my lesson here and I'm going through like lots of these, Like, you know, quitting alcohol and all these other things that I'm working through right now. I think it's the lesson for me is really just like being comfortable in my own skin and loving who I am and not needing substances or anything else to be a fun person.

Or, and if someone doesn't like me. Without alcohol like they're definitely not my person at all. I know the more I've been talking to you about it Where I was like, I'm just so afraid that was my biggest thing. That was day one I'm just gonna lose everybody. Yeah, but I think that was made up in my head.

Yeah. Yep and then you know the other day, this is something that's really been hitting me lately I've been using this for a lot of things in my life is like I am 39 like why would I fucking care? Yeah, like I'm gonna be 40 next year 40 for some reason feels like real adulthood to me. It does I agree with that actually.

And I'm like, why would I fucking care, man? Like no one's giving me money. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like I'm my own boss. Like what the, why would I fucking care? Yeah. And if they do care, like what a blessing to move past that relationship. Like now, you know, it was based in something that's not serving you anymore.

Yeah. And I'm not asking anyone to like, not drink. Yeah, totally. I'm not on like some soapbox. Yeah. Being like, you're bad, you know? Yeah. I agree. I'm just doing what's right for me. Yep. Because when I say like, I drove him drunk that Sunday, I did it the weekend before I did the weekend before, you know, um, I kind of even started to like do things where I would get kind of violent, like me, Jake got like,  well, I was, you know,  like, why?

And then the next day he's like, it's fine. You were drunk. And I mean, he's definitely not a perfect example of great drinking, but,  that's the other thing too, is like the excused behavior.  Is wild. Yeah, it is. You know? Yeah. And I'm like, Oh, and this is what we all like, look forward to. This is what I've looked forward to in life.

Is this.  And so I'm like, well, what can I look forward to now? Yeah. So many questions that I don't, I don't know. So many emotions every day. Totally and who would have known? I'm always like, how do the Mormons not drink? Like, how are they not all in AA? Actually, there's a Mormon lady in AA. In AA. Yeah.

But I'm like, how do you guys, like, not drink? You know? I mean, it never, it never was.  I think it just, it's like what you're taught. And it just is. Yeah. You know? Like it's like I've never smoked. Yeah.  I've never done major drugs and there's people, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, totally.  I don't know, Jalen. 

It feels uncomfortable in my body still. Yeah, I mean, I understand that. Yeah, and I think like I'll ease in, but I, I, to be honest, I kind of feel like it's going to be something that I choose into every day. Yeah. Forever. Yeah. That's the future flipping you don't want to get into. Yeah. But I also, I think that's Just life in general.

I think every day we have to wake up and choose to like be our best self, you know I think it's a daily choice and I think it's good not to be like When I get overwhelmed and I'm sure you feel this way is when I'm trying to look at like the whole future like how am I gonna do this forever and how am I gonna find connections and new relationships all these things?

It's like just focus on one day at a time And then you get through with that day and then you focus on the next day. Yeah. Well, I've always said that, like, you know, if we can't love people at their worst, we don't deserve to know them at their best. It's one of my favorite quotes from the last couple of years.

It's been running through my head. And so I  just think this is just who I am, you know,  and I actually think people have seen me at my worst, but it was like, it's okay. She was drinking. Yeah.  I don't like it. I don't, I don't like, I don't like that either. How do you plan on handling like social situations?

Like if you made a plan or thought about that or  I haven't because I'm just sticking out one day at a time.  I mean, I'm, I feel like I'm sticking out one day. I'm, I'm not going to lie. This has actually been really hard for me. I feel like I'm not in social situations that people aren't on substances.

And again, there's no judgment. I don't judge anyone.  My husband is still choosing to drink and do other things and that's fine. There literally is no judgment. Like anyone can do whatever they want, but I think, I think it's just a different energy and it's hard for me to be around because it feels like to me that it's an escape mechanism.

And I'm like, I want relationships. I want to hang out with people who aren't constantly seeking that hit or need to be on something. Like I want, I just want to hang out, you know? Yeah. So I've kind of like backed away from a lot of my relationships and a lot  Like I've backed away from everything honestly, and that's kind of what feels good to me right now And it's not again.

It's not the temptation Like if i'm around people doing something like I went on a girl's trip everyone was drinking or doing something I had no desire And it didn't tempt me I it is what it was but the energy  Of alcohol and other things just does not feel good to me right now. And I think I just have to keep space until I'm like, okay, I, I am going to choose back into these experiences.

But right now what I'm personally craving is deep connections without substances. That's just what I'm craving. Like, I want relationships that don't like people don't need to always be on something when we're hanging out. Yeah, I feel that too. So I don't really have a plan necessarily. Like I'm trying to think. 

Like, I had a big trip planned with my sister and I knew they wanted to like bar hop. We ended up canceling that trip, not because I stopped drinking, but we just canceled it. So I have like trips coming up where, you know, the focus would have been like, Oh, we're going to go out this night and we're going to go do this and we're going to do this.

And so I've had to kind of like take a step back and be like, you know what, I'm not drinking now and that's fine.  I've had to have a lot of hard conversations with my husband,  just because I'm really struggling just being around all that stuff right now.  How is he kind of, if that's something you want to talk about, like, how are you guys like navigating that together?

He's totally, the cool thing about us is we're very supportive of each other. Like I'm supportive of him. He's supportive of me.  But we do find ourselves making decisions.  How do I say this? We find, we find ourselves making decisions.  Based on how we feel like the other person's going to respond.

So like, I will choose to do something cause I want to be fun for him. Or he'll choose not to do something because he doesn't want to trigger me. And then that's where issues are happen. Yeah. So it's more like we all, we both need to be authentic to ourselves. And if that feels good to him and in his body, like that's his choice.

And same for me. And I think we're really good at supporting each other in that. It's more when we get in, in our sadder heads and start thinking, like we went to a concert last weekend  and he, which looked amazing by the way. Oh my gosh. It was incredible. It was so good. And he was on, he was drinking and you know, whatever.

And everybody was and whatever, and everyone was, and like the concert was incredible, but I definitely felt like I just felt this longing  To not have substances, that's all. And again, it's a hard line because it's not me saying, you guys need to stop doing stuff if you want to hang out with me, but it's more me craving connections without the substances.

So it's kind of, I'm having a really hard time balancing those two things. Like I don't know how to balance them, honestly. But do you feel like even a year ago you would have been ready to say that? No. Yeah. No.  But I think that's part of the journey. Like, I have been, come so far on my health journey and my body's telling me like, no, and I don't even like to be around the energy of it.

So when other people are on it or using or whatever, like, I just don't even want to be around that energy. It's just not what's serving me right now. And so I'm totally fine being a recluse and reading a book and hanging out by myself, you know, that doesn't bother me at all. So that's kind of how I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

Well, what I'm realizing is like, I don't even know who the fuck I am. Yeah. You know, totally, which is kind of exciting though. Do you feel like that's, there's some excitement in there? Oh, absolutely. Like a world of possibilities a little bit. Absolutely. Yeah. I'm like, I don't have like a lot of regrets, you know, I'm not like, Oh my God.

But again, like I do know that I could have been a different person if I hadn't been an alcoholic. Yeah.  Do you feel like all these, these experiences bring us to this point for a reason? I keep, it's so loud in my head. Like I was in my laundry room and I was like, God damn it, Sam, if you, you know, blah, whatever.

And then it's just like, it keeps overpowering those thoughts that are stored in the brain. The thought patterns that want to come up that are like, no, this is who you are.  And it's just. It's so loud. And it says you're exactly where you're supposed to be. Yeah. I mean, that's the message I've gotten too.

Okay. Yeah. And there's part of me that's like, well, what am I doing with it? And they're like, nothing,  you know? Yeah. And I'm like, tell me what to do with it. Are we building an empire with it? Are we making quote graphics with it? I feel like that's our, totally our personality. That's you and I, that's like, okay. 

Now what? Yeah, I'm like, what do I do with this? But I think this is great. I think, I think sharing this is gonna like help other people who maybe are in this situation and even people who maybe are like me, who it wasn't necessarily a temptation or whatever, but it's like, it's time to be done with that part of our lives.

I think, I think we're going to start seeing more and more people step away from, you Alcohol and substances for a reason. Yeah. I've seen it for a while and I was kind of like, is it just trendy? You know what I'm saying? But I don't think I even had my like brain wasn't even open. Like I can feel it in my head even right now.

There wasn't even that space to be like, what is sobriety? Yeah.  One of my clients,  to which I'm like, I already can tell. I'm like, we're going to be best friends forever. She was like, well, there's just a level of freedom from sobriety. It's freedom. And I was like that. Okay. What does that mean? And what it, what I've realized is like, now I have all this space and time to create all these other things.

And I'm not tied to, you know, we're drinking, we're drinking tonight and you're going to feel like shit for two days. Yeah. And I'm like, Oh my God. I mean, you're getting your, you're literally getting time back. You're getting your brain power back. Like there's so many things you're getting back. Yeah. And all these things that, normally I just like push off, push off, push off.

So we, this is wild, but even just like in the last like few days, I'm like, Oh, we're going to buy an, An investment rental property in Alabama and then I was like, Oh, and then I want to open a SWIG franchise there. So I've applied for that. Yeah. And then, you know, eventually I'm gonna have to check myself because we don't want overachiever Sam here, but it honestly doesn't feel hard.

Yeah. You know? And then what else? Oh, I want to, we're going to buy another vehicle and put it in my father. This is just hopes and dreams. And my father in law's Turo fleet,  cause he rents out cars and I was like, and then we could, and like, the things are just like, yeah, that's flowing and it feels good.

Like, I don't feel like anxiety. Like I don't know where to put that. And I'm just, I'm realizing how much my life was tied to. A neurotoxin. Yeah. I mean, you have, you have the time and the energy and this and the brain power and all that stuff. Like you're literally taking so much back for yourself. I know.

And that's, you know, I was, I was driving in my Jeep and I was like, Oh, I get it. Like, it's starting to hit me, you know? And even like so many of my activities were just, I've said this a lot in this podcast, but so many of my activities, like they were just drinking.  I'm like, do you want to come over for wine tonight?

Or do you want, you know, you can still come over and we'll still everything is revolved around drinking and food nowadays. Yes. And I'm like, well, what do we do outside of that? And no one ever messaged you. And I was like, let's go do something. I'm like, do you want to go to earth? That's like all I can think of. 

I mean, that was great. How great did you feel after that? Great. Amazing. So great. There are actually a lot of things we could go do.  Pickleball, hiking. Pickleball. These people in the, these St. Georgians and their pickleball. It's so fun. It is actually fun.  It's just fun that we can be outside so much.

Yeah, totally.  But, there's even, I'm just thinking, there's like that gem studio. I always wanted to go to that. Done. Let's go. If I look back, I was thinking about how much money I have fucking wasted on alcohol too. Like, even our vacation, we would go out to dinner. And I was like, Oh, our, our check's only 50.

Like what? Yeah. It's pretty crazy. I was thinking 150. Well, if you think about it, when you're going to a restaurant or a bar, it's like, what, 20 ish drinks, especially with like a tip for one drink. So when I was Mormon, I used to be like, we're so blessed that we don't like drink alcohol because we save so much money for tithing  to give to someone else.

No, but really though.  Oh man, but yeah, I mean there's a lot. I can't even, there's so much money that goes into alcohol. Yeah. Like so much. And again, this is just such a personal journey for me. Like I'm thinking of all the people I have in my life that are, you know, my drinking friends and my family and I think you guys are fucking awesome.

Yeah, you know, like there's no like It was, it's me who has the issue and you might have your own personal issues, but like this is a me thing. Yeah, totally. And it's, you know, maybe it's selfish, but this is what the fuck I've got going on. Yeah. It's not selfish at all. Actually. Yeah. I'm learning a lot of patience with myself.

Yep. What so far? And I know I could ask you the same question tomorrow and you'd probably have a different answer. Cause I would, but like what so far has really been monumental In this, I'm not going to drink  journey you're on  what's been monumental as far as what, I don't know what it's just like really standing out to you where you're like, I will never trade that.

You know, I think what I kind of mentioned earlier, just learning to love me because the only reason I was drinking was to be a more fun version of myself. I thought that I had to do that in social settings. And then I told myself, Oh, well, if I go here and I don't drink, like I'm going to be the person sitting in the corner.

And nobody's going to want to talk to me. So I build up all these stories and you know, I'm really fun when I'm drinking. I am, I have so much fun. We all are. I'm Lucy Goosey. I love, I love drinking. My husband loves when I drink because I'll do whatever, you know, I'm I'll put it in my butt.  Oh, wait, was that just me?

Not really. No, but really like, I'm just like, yeah, I'm just the fun version of myself. So there's been a lot of mind fuckery that has gone into, you know, moving through this and I've had to consciously say to myself.  That if people don't love me for who I am, and if I'm not fun enough and outgoing enough, then like, they're just not for me.

That's the space I'm moving into. I'm like, why would I fucking care if you don't like that about me? And most, and 99 percent of people that are in our life right now, probably are not gonna care. It's just what our ego is telling us to keep us stuck and  in fear. Little bitch. Seriously.  So what are you kind of looking forward to? 

You know, I am calling in more relationships that are  just based off of  relationships and not substances. Yeah. And I know I'm saying substances because I'm also struggling with everything and not just alcohol. Like I'm struggling with people always wanting to be high or doing other things. So that's been like, I mean, I've had probably like three breakdowns about this in the last week and a half.

So, um,  I just, I'm craving like that connection and I know like people can argue and say like when they're drinking or on something that it makes them more present, but I can feel that energy and I can tell when people are on something and like, I just am craving something deeper and I'm craving people. 

It's so hard. And I also think that's a big thing too, is we're on our own. We can't expect anyone to be on our journey with us. And sometimes it's going to be, sometimes it's going to be very lonely. And I think that is a big, a big thing. I'm like, Oh my gosh, it's actually terrifying. I'm by myself in this journey.

I, we come into this world alone. We leave this world alone. And a lot of times we are alone.  Yeah, I know. I really feel that because there's so many people on this planet, but like, we're only in our own existence. Yeah. And that, that in itself is like a trial. Yeah, it is. And we have to figure out how to do this on our own with no, I mean, I would love to be like,  I would love if my husband was on the same journey as me.

I think it would be so powerful to be able to do this together, but that's just not the reality at all. And so like, I don't, I don't expect that of him though, at all. But if he chose into that. I would, I would be on cloud nine. Yeah, no, I feel that. But I also am fine if he does what he wants. So it's just like, it's a lot of fuckery.

It's a lot of, it's a lot of mind games. It's a lot of like figuring out how I want to spend my time and who I want to be around and that energy that I want to be around. And it's just, I mean, I can't say it's day in and day out. It's hard. I mean, and I feel like mine was a very low key thing. And it still has been very hard to figure out like who I want to be around and what this looks like for me And what this vacation is going to look like i've i'm already stressed about  A trip.

Well, i'm not as stressed anymore, but  all the trips I have coming up like Like going to europe like when isn't that so fun to like have a glass of well, that's all you see. Yeah I'm like, so what do people do? And at our company events, it's like, it's, there's free alcohol. And like, that's what everyone does.

I love free booze. I know. So, I mean, I think that's just, it's just another thing. Like, I'm not going to stress about it now because it's not for like three months, four months, but those are things I'm just going to  cunt, like deal with as they come. Yeah. Just going to deal with them as they come. It's future flipping where you're like, shit, what am I going to do?

Yeah. And it's like, well, I'm fine today. Yeah. I am. I am fine. You're not on that trip and you're totally fine. Yep. And you know, when you're standing there, like. Because I know you, like, you're not, like, oh my god, you're not jonesing. Yeah, totally. For a drink. No, I'm not. And I'm, I'm hoping over the next few months I can continue to work on myself enough that it's just no, like, I know what it does to my body, I know what it does to my brain, I know it's literally toxins, and I'm just, don't want to choose into that, I just don't want to choose into it anymore.

Yeah, I want to honor my body. I'm sure there's people that are on those trips that don't drink. I'm sure, yeah. You just haven't really interacted with them properly. Most, I, I think most people, I actually don't know many people that don't drink, to be honest. I don't know very many. But I'm also, that's also fine.

I don't know any, well, now I know you that aren't family members. Yeah.  Like I know people online who are my friends, you know? Yeah. But I would, there's no one coming to mind.  I'm like, am I forgetting anyone? And I'm like, no. I mean, there's a lot of people who like, just have a drink here and there. Yeah.

I'm like, that's so cool. Look at you. Yeah. Look at you little fish. Yeah. And I'm like over here drowning in my puddle of vodka.  I love alcohol though.  That's the funny thing about it. You know? Yeah. That's been part of my journaling too, is like how much I love something like that. Yeah. So I'm just, I'm in a toxic relationship.

Because I love it so much and it hurts me so much. I was going to say it's abusive to you. Yeah, it's abusive to everyone. It is a, it's totally like a abusive relationship. Yeah. So, you know, I think if you guys listening, I was trying to figure out, I always want to be like, here's some tips or here's the, how value, but.

Your journey is super different than mine. Totally. My journey is super different.  All the people that I'm meeting on my journey going to, you know, AA, I think AA is great by the way, you guys, I found a women's group. I only go to the women's group and I wasn't, you know, I can't go every day. That would stress me out to the max.

So I love my women's group. There's, which I didn't realize there were different groups. So, you know, you can find something that like fits for you, but I love going. I'm also one of those people who. You probably know this about me. I said, I'm going to do it. I'm going to fucking do it. Yeah. And if you're not providing me with the resources that we need to get it done, I start to flip out. 

So like when I go, I know I'm not going to show up the next week and I'm not going to embarrass myself that way. Yeah. Because I said I was, you know, that I'm here. And then making that phone call to my uncle, I don't even know why I was like, I'm going to call him. Like we don't even talk that often.

Well,  And that was like, You knew exactly what you needed in that moment, which is awesome. Yeah, I'm just one of those people who I'm like, I said, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. It's going to be fucking hard. And then the fact that I told these specific people about it, that wasn't even me acting.

It was like, I was just numb and I was like, yeah, my hair self took over. Well, it made it, it made it real. You know, some, I mean, sometimes you need those, you need people, you need support. I mean, it makes, even though we are alone, I think it helps. To have support. Yeah. And you know, my kids know I'm not drinking and that's sort of thing too, especially with my 13-year-old,  'cause he all the time he is like, you are drunk.

Yeah. And I was like, that's not cool. Yeah. So I also feel like I'm accountable to him. Yeah, totally. You know, it's cheesy and weird as that sounds, but it's not cheesy or weird . It's just how I like to compartmentalize things. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And then my husband's been really great too. And I'm starting to realize that it's been me. 

Because I was like, I was the one who wanted to day drink. And then the other day he's like, Oh, I didn't realize I haven't even drank for like two weeks. I was like, well, fuck you,  you know? And so I know his drinking's pared back, but it was always me. I'd be like, let me make you a drink. Let me make you a drink because I wanted someone to do it with me. 

And he just like, didn't really care that much. Yeah. I'm like, you know, that Taylor Swift song, it's me, I'm the problem, it's me,  it's fun. We create all, all our own problems and all our own suffering. Yeah. But okay guys, if you've made it this far with us, feel free to shoot me a DM on Instagram at the Samantha Parker.

I'm more than happy to like, you know, we can talk about these things. Yeah. And your handle?  Jalen Schroeder. And of course we'll have it linked in the show notes. Anything else you want to share with the class? You know, whatever you're going through, you're going to make it. Yeah, it's been really humbling for me too because I was on like the judgy train where I'm like, look at her over there and look at this girl over there.

And then I'm like, have you looked at your fucking self, Sam? Well, it's, I mean, it's not what life is about though. I mean, if you, if we look back at everything we've gone through, I have judged people on the opposite end of me. For drinking. I judge people for doing the same thing that I do. Yeah, exactly. So I think it is, it is humbling and it's a, it's an experience and this is just only going to make us better, stronger. Okay. One day at a time. Yep. Thanks for listening guys. And we'll see you next week on the Samantha Parker show. Bye. That was, I'm like, what was that ending? Can we keep this part? I don't know how I just ended this podcast. Okay. Goodbye.