The Samantha Parker Show

Finding Strength in AA & Beyond on Your Sobriety Journey with Ashley Pakulski

• Samantha Parker, Ashley Pakulski • Season 1 • Episode 40

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I’m so excited to have a guest on today, my friend Ashley. She has an extraordinary sobriety story. I think it helps people to hear other people’s stories so they’re like, “Hey, I’m not crazy.” And then, sometimes, you can pick up different tools or different things that work for different people.

I spend a lot of time answering TikTok questions, comments, and DMs, and everyone wants to know, “How’d you do this? How’d you do that? Did you do this? Did you do that?” So I can only speak from my own experience but I think it’s great to have a guest on because I haven’t had one for a while who can talk about their experience in sobriety.

Ashley tried everything to stop drinking: counseling, medication, and even detox. But going into AA really changed everything for her. She loves that we all have unique experiences; what works for one person doesn’t work for another. She talks about how she picked up tools, listened to people in meetings, and focused on real healing.

I’m a big fan of AA, but I know it can be hit or miss for some people. When you find the right group, though, it changes everything. You get support, real friends and a chance actually to work the steps. It’s a big deal for anyone who feels alone, confused, or afraid to reach out. It’s all about taking it one day at a time and realizing you can absolutely create a life free from alcohol.

Enjoy!

Connect with Ashley on Instagram HERE

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  you say to yourself, I'm not going to drink, I'm not going to do this, and then three days, or a week, or something passes, and then it's like the same cycle, you know what I mean?

Or like a month later, or something, or sometimes people say like, you know, you can control it, and you know, something happens though, and then, There, there goes the control.

 I didn't believe that I could do it and that's why my road journey was like forever like a freaking roller coaster But once I said in my mind like enough is enough. I don't want this. This is how I want to live This is what my goals are. This is what i'm working for. This is what I want to create  There was like no looking back.

 ​

 Hey, my podcast and sober besties. I am so excited. I have something amazing to share with you. Sam's sober stack. Like many of you, I once believed sobriety was beyond my reach. Alcohol had tightly woven itself into my life, dictating actions and thoughts, until I made a bold decision to reclaim control.

 Now I am proud to share my journey from battling hangovers and hidden struggles to achieving a sober life full of clarity and freedom.

As your self proclaimed sober bestie, I invite you to step into my world on Soberstack, where I offer my unfiltered story and the valuable resources I've gathered along the way.  subscribe to Sam's sober stack? Well, by subscribing, you'll gain access to weekly insights and updates on navigating sobriety, my exclusive 30 day printable sober journal and engaging community where we can uplift and support each other, subscriber only content to help enrich your journey.

And of course I'm spilling all the tea on what has worked for me   these tools and resources into your own life. Sobriety doesn't have to be a solo journey. Let's share our stories, support one another and inspire change together.

Every new drop is conveniently delivered to your inbox, Offering easy to navigate newsletter type content filled with powerful insights geared towards your sober success. So let's do this together. Head over to the Samantha Parker show.substack.com, or go ahead and just click the link in the show notes. Now enjoy listening to this episode of the Samantha Parker show. 

  Hey guys, welcome back to the Samantha Parker show. I'm excited because I have a guest on today. So this is my friend Ashley. Ashley, I'm not even going to try and pronounce your last name. I was trying to practice, but I only know you from Instagram. So welcome to the Samantha Parker show.  Oh, thank you so much for having me on.

I'm so excited. I know it's like a tongue twister, but it's Pakalsky. Ashley Pakalsky.  Pakalsky. See that wasn't, I was going to be pretty dang close there.  So Ashley, you have a really cool sobriety story. So let's just dive in. I do think it helps people to hear other people's stories. So they're like, Hey, I'm not crazy.

And then sometimes when you guys listen, you can pick up like. Different tools or different things that worked for different people. You know, I spend a lot of time answering Tik TOK, you know, questions, comments, DMS, and everyone wants to know how'd you do this? How'd you do that? Did you do this? Did you do that?

And so it's like, I can only speak from my own experience. So I think it's great to have like another guest on today. Cause I haven't had one for a while who can talk about like their experience in sobriety.  Amazing. I'm so glad to share my story and journey and it's true like we all what works for one may not work for another and we all have our experiences and like what we go through.

 Yeah, if you want, I can definitely start just like a little bit start talking about it. Since a young age, I experienced trauma. And then after leading into high school, it was sexual assault and going from there, you know, that's at that age, you start experimenting, you start going out and everyone thinks like it's like a normal kind of thing, right?

Like I was functioning, going to school, doing all the things, but I was like overusing and then I start experimenting and you know, with drugs and stuff like that. So yeah. It was like a rollercoaster ride. I had my daughter at 20, 21 and that's when it kind of like reality kind of hit and like things needed to change.

From there,  it was again, it was like a rollercoaster ride. My daughter and her father, my daughter's father and I, we started like breaking apart, , which was like, I dodged the bullet in a way. But at the same time, it was like healing. And like, It was like, it was, it was great. So, but at that time, it wasn't so great.

And you know, I was feeling like broken down. I was, uh, you know, turning to alcohol and I was trying to complete college, all of that. So I tried all the things like even counseling, medication, I did detox. Uh, but when I really went into like AA,  that's when things really started to change. Oh, I'm a huge fan of AA.

And I know a lot of people aren't though. So, you know, I'm always like, Either you love it or you don't. But also I think sometimes people aren't willing. So we'll circle back to AA. You know, it's just like I was just having a conversation with a client and she's doing like a training and she's like, I know every year we get like four or five people that are mad that it's on Facebook.

And you know, I was like, well, it's kind of how I feel about when people message me and like, tell me I'll never go to AA, but I'll do anything to get sober. Yeah.  No, and that's wonderful, like, to have, like, you know, like, again, what works for one may not work for someone else, so to have all these different things, it's, it's beautiful.

Okay, so let's go back. How long did you drink? Like, what age did you start drinking? So, I would say  13, 14. That was a young age. But that was like a little here and there kind of thing, right? And then 13, maybe 14, 15, I would say, because I was in grade 9. So I was in grade 9, and that's when it started, like, you know, a little bit of experimenting.

When I was like 16, 17, that's when you know, we were sneaking out with the friends going to the parties or like my mom would like to know where exactly I am. So I would say where I go. But it would be my early teens I started.  And then when did you stop drinking?  So there was a couple attempts. Of course, when I was pregnant, I stopped and then after there was three years ago, I stopped.

It was for a year and just recently I hit my milestone of one year and eight months. I believe it is. So that's right. Yeah.  So how old are you now? I'm 37. You're 37. Okay. So, okay. So we're like kind of on the same little timeline here.  I know I didn't, I didn't start drinking until I was 17.  I think maybe like I had tasted a beer or something like that, you know, prior to that.

But yeah, I was 17 years old when I really just like started any chance I could get, I would be like, I'm gone. I'm drinking, you know, Yeah. Yeah. And the thing with alcohol too is like a lot of times at that age, we think that again, it's like that age, but it's a thinking disease too. Like we have things going on in the inside.

So when that alcohol is coming into our mouth, it's like, we feel different and we're like, wait a minute, everything's going away. Like I feel better. I feel fine. And that's where the scary stuff can happen.  Yeah. So what do you think kind of, or where did you even, let's do this. Where did you even get alcohol at like 13, 14 years old?

Yeah.  So, my parents, they always had it, like, around their house, and my mom, like, honestly, like, it was always, like, you know, even, like, those little cooler kind of things, whatever, like, to try, or, like, you know what I mean, like, it wasn't, like, a big thing, like, like, to hide it kind of thing, like, it was just, like, oh, like, oh, if you want to try a little sip or something like that, I guess, in their mind, or, like, when I hear people say, like, oh, I do that with my kids, too, is, like, you know, to show them, like, So then after, they don't get like too curious.

So when that high school age does come, they're like, you know what I mean? Like go all in with it backwards. But that didn't work with me. No, I honestly think that that's almost like we're just validating like our own drinking. Yeah, no, I completely agree with that. A hundred percent.  Okay, so, but I mean, like, when you,  can you remember the first time you got drunk? 

Wow, first time, you know what, I think it was like, it was a family camping trip. And, you know what, I wasn't 13 then, I think I was like, probably 16. I was 16, 17, I would say maybe. And I remember getting the case of beer, and I said it was going to last the whole weekend, week or, that we're there, and it didn't.

It lasted like a freaking, like, a day and a half. And, you know, like, and it was like, honestly, like, it wasn't like a blackout drunk, but I did get drunk, and I remember talking with my aunt, and just sitting with her, and just like, I was like, saying all the things that were like, you know what I mean? Like, on my chest.

And my mom was like, you know, I think that's a little too much. Like, you couldn't control it, like you just wanted more kind of thing. But you were thinking that, I was out having fun, I was camping, mind you, I felt like crap the next day, and I was like, okay, I'm not drinking again.  But that didn't stop me. 

Yeah,  that's funny. I don't know.  It's kind of, I was like 17 when I started drinking, but it was like definitely. I grew up with it in my house, but at that point I'd gone to live with my dad, and they didn't really drink. I remember they had alcohol in the house, but it wasn't like they were drinking, you know?

So I was always like going out and I remember, like I had this boyfriend and he would like get his sister to buy it sometimes. Or you know what we used to do? We used to go stand in front of the Smith's grocery store, which is like a Kroger.  And I don't know what they have. You said you're from Canada.

I don't know what they have up there. Your story kind of resonates with what I went through. And we would stand out there and we would wait for this is I don't this is gonna sound a little racist And this is just what we did but like now i'm like I would never do that But we would wait for like the hispanic workers That were going into the store like to cash a check or something like that You know, like you could tell like they've been working right? 

And we would I would say like hey if I give you 40 will you buy me?  And then you can buy yourself one and they'd be like, they didn't care. And I'd be like, I'm going to go sit in that truck right there. And people, it was wild. I used to do it. My boyfriend used to do it all the time. He'd be like, just give me 10 minutes.

And literally it was like, they were like, sweet. And they would walk up and just set it in the back of his truck, you know? And we were like, well, what's the worst that's going to happen? They're going to like take the 40 bucks, you know? I know I remember doing that. But plus  I like to think about that life that you would just stand out there and like almost panhandle.

Mm hmm. Yeah. No, honestly, I remember too, like, this is when my daughter, she was probably a year or two, a year or two, and we were living on our own. It was a freaking snowstorm. Okay. And I just, I can't remember if I was upset or what, whatever the experience was. I was, but I was like, I need to get some wine and the store was not too far away.

I took the frickin stroller, okay, in the middle of a snowstorm, pushing, okay, making my way there. We made it alright, like, you know what I mean? And, and it's just, look at it now, like, how absurd, like, you know what I mean? Just for wine, I couldn't say, like, you know, I'm just gonna stay home and that's it.

Like, I, I went to those depths to do that.  Oh yeah, I would be like, Like even financially, I'd be like, Oh, we have like a little on this credit card, you know, like, like shit like that, where I was like, it's fine. Like let's, let's just get the box of wine. And I can remember the feeling too. Like I would get like giddy, like he, he, he, like opening like this wine. 

Yeah, no, I know I used to say like to like just like my relaxer It was something that I turned to when I was upset. It was my like self care time It was because I was celebrating something it was because I was going through something like it was just like whatever excuse Well, that's the problem right there though, is it's like, it's for happy, it's for sad, it like, becomes like your every, like, thing, coping mechanism.

Mm hmm. No, and it's true, like, and you know what, when I was younger, like, even in my 30s, well, I'm 37, but like, even younger before that, like, 29, 28, even 25, I remember, like, you know, partying, you know, or even drinking till, like, 3 in the morning, but you get up, and then, you're like, Six o'clock, you're ready for work, and you're like, oh, good to go, and like, you know, even 19 doing that, and now, like, if I was to do that, it would be like a whole month waiting in bed, like, feeling like shit, getting over the anxiety, like, you know, it's, it's, It's, it's, when you break free from it, your life just completely changes, like you find such different things within yourself, you heal, like, so many things, too.

Well, that's the thing is, I know for me, and I can't speak for you, but I was like, in such a painful place, and I was like, oh my gosh, this will relieve it for a little while. But what's really weird about the disconnect that your brain makes is like you get that relief, but then you've almost like thrown, like when the relief ends, right, when morning comes, it's like you've really kind of thrown gasoline on like your, I always say your trash can fire, like you threw, you already had a trash can fire going.

And then you like threw gasoline on it. So it's like you get like this little reprieve, but you're in the end, you're like making everything so much fucking worse. And that's what's wild to me is the fact that it was like almost like you're numb to that. You're like, it's fine. I'll just repeat it. I'll get a little bit of relief because you just want like those few hours of relief.

Yeah, and you know what that's true like you know at that like I remember picking up the drink not even thinking I was gonna be drinking like subconsciously like I already made that decision I should say that I'm going to drink and once I put that glass like you know at times it could be like it was just like a weekend thing and then that's okay or like you were able to control it but then there's times like You You, even when you couldn't, like you black, like had a bad experience blacking out drunk or something and you're like, Oh, that's okay.

It happens once in a while to us. And like, you know what I mean? But going through it and taking that drink, thinking it's going to relax me. It's going to help me through this. Cause right now I'm just so pissed off or like, I just need to get my creative flow going. And you know, I'm just going to have a couple drinks, but you feel like complete shit, like complete shit.

And then like. the ripple effect with it after too, like the bad stuff that goes on or the situations, like, oh my goodness, I'm so lucky to be alive still.  Like, oh my.  I know, I think of some of the stuff, we don't have to get into any of that, but  I'm like, go watch my TikToks. Yeah, I'm like, it gets wild. And then there was times where it was perfectly fine, but it was like, what I tell people that was like, They're like, Oh, you were doing like so good.

And you'd even talk about like how you redefined your relationship with alcohol. And I was like, it was an obsession. I had to be like two drinks, two drinks, two drinks, two drinks. And then I'd be like, okay, three drinks, three drinks, three drinks. And then there was like a different Sam that would like almost shut that part of your brain off and was like, let's do lemon drops.

That's, that's always where I was like, I have, that part is gone. And I'm like, now we're doing lemon drop shots because we're going to have fun. Yeah, and there's no control in it, too, because I remember, too, like, going out and, like, counting, like, Okay, this is how many drinks I'm having. Okay, I'm staying out till this time.

Okay, I'm like this brand. And, like, you have the plan. You have whatever kind of thing, but it's true, like, once it hits a certain part, I remember my friends, too, like, you know, like, oh my gosh, like, you know, like, it's like, It was gone, like, it was gone, and then you're just like, oh, let's, let's, and you drink the whole bar, and then you don't even remember what happened.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, luckily, like, you have your, your circle around you and stuff like that, but it's that feeling, that feeling, like, You know, like it's just, it makes you feel so down, but then the thing is though, this feeling, it happens, and then you say to yourself, I'm not going to drink, I'm not going to do this,  and then three days, or a week, or something passes, and then it's like the same cycle, you know what I mean?

Or like a month later, or something, or sometimes people say like, you know, you can control it, and you know, something happens though, and then, There, there goes the control.  Yeah. And that's what it is, is it's like, you're like, oh, I can control this. And I'm like, but you can't . Yeah, no, you're fighting yourself.

You're fighting yourself. It's the ego, I think. Like I have people close to me still fighting their addiction. I'm like, dude, I'm like, look, like, look what I've been through. Look what I've, like, you know, trying to show and given the upper hand. And I'm like, dude, I understand what you're going through and I'm trying to listen.

I'm trying to do everything. And they're like, no, nothing's wrong. I'm good. Right. So, it, it, it's hard.  I know. Are you married now? No, I'm not. Oh, you're not. Okay. No, you're fine. One question I get asked a lot is,  like, does your spouse still drink? And people are like, well, if my spouse isn't going to, you know, quit drinking, like how am I supposed to quit drinking?

And I'm like, what the hell does this have to do with them? Nothing. It has nothing to do with it. And, and, and you know what? Like, I want to get into the dating game and stuff like that. And I want to get married one day. And this is the funny story I'll quickly share. When I started AA, To my friend, I go, dude, I'm like, you know, when I get married though, like what's going to happen?

Like, you know, my wedding and she's like, you're single, you're single. You're not even getting married anytime soon. You don't need to think about that. And truth to be told, I would not want to drink on my wedding day. My husband or whoever I decide to date can drink. That's not going to bug me like here.

I'm strong enough. And like here, I know what I want because I've seen it. I've seen myself in the past and I think that's the beautiful work that we do when we find ourselves and we love ourselves and we heal, we put those boundaries up those like, you know, you don't want to put yourself because I see people to that come,  That have this doubt and that's with me too.

I had this doubt I didn't believe that I could do it and that's why my road journey was like forever like a freaking roller coaster But once I said in my mind like enough is enough. I don't want this. This is how I want to live This is what my goals are. This is what i'm working for. This is what I want to create  There was like no looking back.

Things started changing.  Yeah, because that's it. Everyone is like, like you're saying, you have friends in recovery or, you know, that are still working on or fighting their addictions. And I think that's what so many people, once you get far enough along into your sobriety journey, and I'm still super new, so.

I'm like eight months sober. You said you were a year and eight months, you know.  It's like once you get to a certain point, like all of a sudden you're like, this has nothing to do with anybody else. No, it's like a huge, like you find this, like how they talk about like the spiritual, like awakening and all that stuff.

And like this new found person, like, you know what I mean? Like, you're just like in a different vibe kind of thing. Like you get all these like things working out in your life. And like, you're just like on a higher vibe, right? Like, life happens. Things happen, right? But you have happens, but you just Yeah, like, it's just like, oh, that's happening.

You know? Yeah, and you, and you have people to support, tools, whatever. You surrender, let go, let God. And, and, you know, it's, it's just  Beautiful. Like I look at my past too, like how I handled situations in the past and I didn't always have that positive mindset. Like even though like I was like in the dark in the bottom, like feeling like low and stuff like that, I always still had that brighter, the grass is greener on the other side kind of thing.

But it's just something so  beautiful as you progress, like as you make that one decision. Because a lot of people think it's about stopping to drink. It's not about stopping to drink. It's about you.  Yeah, exactly.  And that's what I actually love about it. I'm like you take away the alcohol. It's actually really really painful So physically emotionally which let's talk about your detox here in a second But it's very painful like emotionally all of a sudden You don't have like that security blanket to like help you feel safe and you know Take that little bit of reprieve and to numb out and you have to look at like All the, like, bullshit that either you have caused or has been caused in your life, like, it's a whole thing.

And so it just becomes, like, this really amazing healing experience. You know, so many people talk about healing online, they're like, heal your trauma, heal your trauma. I feel like it was a big thing for, like, the last, like, four years. And I'm like, okay, but if any of you  So it worked the steps.  Yeah.

Because, honestly, like, you know, I have openly talked about this a ton on this podcast, too. I went to Tony Robbins. I went to Deepak Chopra. Like, I did all that crazy shit, you know, where it's like supposed to make you enlightened, but I wasn't actually looking at why I drank in the first place. I mean, I was, but then I wasn't taking away, like, that coping mechanism. 

No, it's true. It, there's something different with like these steps too. And, you know, I remember doing my fourth and fifth, the first time I did it with my sponsor,  I was like, Oh my gosh. I was like, I called her and I was like, I just felt like this, like profound, like I, this, like, Calm like excitement like this way off like she knows things that no one in this world knows And like, you know what?

I mean?  Like my mom i'm sure does like whatever but like  there's certain stuff I should say right and like to take those things off your chest and to know that You're not the only person going through this that there's other people that have different stories, too and you know done things and you know what I mean, it's it's different because You When you're drinking, you feel like, yes, you have your crowd, but then after when you're in that isolation and like, you think like, you know, you're, you're on this on your own.

But again, it's like doing the steps, working through it. It's like,  it's, it's like, speak, like, I can't even say the word for it.  No, I went like totally ghost for like eight weeks. And we were even like, we had to go on a family trip and I just like, didn't talk about it. It was like nothing to see here folks, you know? 

Because I was like, this is something I'm working on. And it was like I just kind of went into like this little bubble, but okay, let's talk about detox So because that's another huge question I get on tiktok and so I can only like  say like what I went through, you know, and I'm like, well, day two, I have never been sicker in my entire life, but I had COVID.

So I was like, how, like we got, which is funny. We got COVID last summer. Remember how there was like that new strain and I was like, Oh, this is whatever bullshit. And then I was like laying in my backyard in the sun, like, just be like, God, take me. Oh,  I was like, yeah, I'm going to quit drinking. And here's COVID too.

I was being bad. I was like, No, I gave up drinking. I  made one of the, like, hardest phone calls of my life. I was, like, looking at rehabs, you know, and I was, like, crying hysterically for days, and now I'm, like, so physically ill, I can't even take care of myself.  You know,  my husband had it too, so I was like, nobody cares. 

That was, like, a full, like, Yeah, so people are always like, how was the detox? And I was like, well, I don't think I was super physically dependent on it, but I still, there is a detox, you know, it's just like if, you know, I was to quit caffeine, like there's going to be a detox and withdrawal. So, but it was hard to say because I mean, I already felt like  such dog shit.

It was like, I don't know. It was like I'd feel it for you. Yeah, it's like in the top five sickest I've ever been, you know.  I was like, I can't do anything if I've like  If anyone had like it's just like a wicked flu, you know, so it's like you can't breathe. You can't do all these things and I'm like, but I thought life was supposed to get better. 

So I had made it to one AA meeting. I walked in. So it was a Sunday that I quit drinking and I walked into a women's meeting on a Monday night and that's now become my home group. I just love it.  But I'd been to one meeting and you know how they all are, they're like, oh, someone new, they're like, keep coming back, keep coming back, and I'm like, I can't even like fucking put in a Walmart order at this point,  and I was like, F this, you know, but someone had given me the big book, so I was like reading it, and then I started listening to it, and I just, yeah, I was like, this is hell, so I don't know, like, And then I ultimately, I decided not to do rehab or anything like that, but anyways, did you, it sounds like you went to detox, is that what you did?

Yes, so I did do detox. Can I ask, like, because I know this is questions I'll get, how much were you drinking that you felt like,  Oh my gosh, you know like that, Like you're shaky and you just feel like you're drinking and you're drinking yourself sober or you just like feel like shit like you're even hungover and you're drinking or like whatever it was just like I felt like complete shit and I had anxiety and you know my friend came and she's like you know what like you know just go go to this detox and I did it twice to be honest with you.

I did it like years before and like.  This was like three, four years ago I would say. One of, the first time I hit the one year mark. And  and I went, luckily I didn't need no like medication and stuff like that. But, oh my gosh, let me tell you I look like a swollen like poof ball. Like, I, I.  It's so like, I felt like crap.

They're observing you. I'm just like sleeping. They give you food. You're eating a little bit or no, sorry, they give you water. I can't even remember if you can even eat at that time. you know, they're observing you and, um, just for like a little period of time. And then after they move you into the, like, you just, it's like a little rehab, let's say kind of thing.

So I was supposed to be there for five days and when it was like day three, I was like I'm good. I want to go home. I need to get out of here. So my mom's like no, stay longer. So I did stay longer.  They did have meetings, people coming in the group and I wish that was, , you know, and I think I, yeah, no.

Cause I, after I got out from there, I did drinking a little here and there again. And after my friend, that's when she's like, hey, come with me to the meetings here. She took me to the meetings. But anyways, , they had the meetings there and I wish I stayed with those meetings because when you stay with those meetings, that's when the changes happen once you start drifting, for me, like, you know, that's when like things I find like, you know, you go back into that cycle because your brain starts working, right?

It starts saying like, Oh, you're okay.  So I did do the detox. I didn't do the rehab and I heard a lot of people spending thousands of dollars on rehab to go back drinking. Right.  When I went into the rooms of AA and people started talking saying like, you know, people were seeing doctors and they were on heavy medication and coming here, they, their doses got lighter, or they got taken off medication or, you know, they, they've spent thousands on rehab and, you know, they always relapse, but coming here they, They found this new profound life, like they found themselves and like, you know, it's different, like, you know what I mean?

So it was, it was definitely an experience., but yeah.  No, I, I love AA. I do know it's a very humbling experience, you know, especially if you go to, I call them like mixed meetings. Like if I go to like a high noon meeting and you've got a lot of old timers and then you'll have some guys that are like there from rehab, you know, like, or corporate and I'm like, This is humbling.

Or some for dating, picking up people. I, I came across that. So, you know, my sponsor, which I didn't take a sponsor until like month five. Cause I really, I was just like, I'm just gonna put my head down. It was like, I don't know, again, like you guys, that's what I, people just need to realize it's such a personal journey.

Yeah. You know, you do it. Like it's your journey. Yeah. Like, and in my head for a long time, I was like, I don't want to talk to any of these people. And it wasn't. Like I've even said this and now I'm the chair of my AA group. I was like, what has happened?  All the, like the changes, like, it's amazing. Yeah. But I was like, I don't, I was just, it wasn't that I didn't want to talk to anyone.

It was that I was in such a state of like, embarrassment for a while that I was like, I'm just coming in and I'm coming out. And to me, it was holding me accountable because I wanted to come back that next week. I didn't want them to be like, you know, and they don't, people do not talk about each other.

Like if you don't come back, it's not like that at all. But I did not want them to be like, Oh, remember that girl? I saw her once and never saw her again. So like in my head, I was just holding myself accountable that I would go back each week. Yeah, no, it's beautiful. And the thing to like, you know, life happens, like I'm in my one year, eight months, and I was going to the meetings and then life happens.

And like, you know, sometimes I don't make it or I don't go. But I think, and a lot of times too, they say this too, is like, when you stop coming, and it's just like, you know, making the time to go to it, like, you know what I mean? Like, even online, because we have a home group, and we have an online and in person, but like,  I'm telling you there's some days I don't even want to go and because I'm just like so tired with things and I'm working on so many things and yeah, I don't want to sit and listen to anyone, bitch.

Yeah.  And then you go then you're like driving home and you're sobbing in your car and you're like life is so great. Yeah, and you walk out like a whole new person,  like you just feel so great, like my daughter, she sees when I come home, like before leaving, I'm like, make sure you clean your room and you do this.

And then after I come back, I'm like, Oh, so how are you? Like, who wants to go out for ice cream? They're like, wow.  No, I actually like to go on Sundays, like I go on Sunday mornings and now like people in my life are like, Oh, she's going to church, I'm like, whatever.  Whatever crack, you know, I'm taking it. I'm drinking the Kool Aid.

Yeah, no, it's beautiful. And like, you build, like, the foundations, these relationships, and like, even with your higher power, and like, and I do go on church on Sundays too, and like, even I talk to God every day, and like, you know what I mean? Like, knowing that there's someone higher than you there too. That helps you like, you know what I mean that it's not your control the time because we try to control things all the time and try to do it our way and then we just burn ourselves out or like, you know what I mean?

And then like all these fears and doubts easily come in or resentments like I've been like, I've been always close with my family. But we've had our little things and stuff like that, like I love them dearly, but my relationship with them has completely changed like  Like my husband my kids my mom my like, yeah Extended family like especially like on my dad's side like all of a sudden like we're going on trips together and you know Yeah, it's beautiful.

And you know, I even start like realizing things with myself Like, you know, I'm just like oh like I was really taking things personally a lot like, you know You  Yeah!  It's so much drama and that's what I think, you know, if you're listening to this and maybe you are just like on your sober journey or you're sober curious is it will completely change like how you view like everything.

Like there's all of a sudden I'm like, well, that's interesting that they're angry. And it's like, you just don't give a fuck.  Yeah, you really, honestly, and it's just, it's honestly, it's just like amazing. And I remember too, like going into AA at first, I was like, this isn't for me. I'm like, I don't need this.

I'm like, I'm not that person that lies on the bench drinking with a paper bag or like, you know what I mean? Like I'm functional. I still go to work. I'm raising a kid. Like I'm doing all the things and  there's no. Like, embarrassment to go. Like, I know I felt that. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I felt, I felt like, like, it wasn't for me.

Like, I didn't need that. And it is the most beautiful, beautiful thing in the world. Like, honestly. No, it 100 percent is. And that's, you know, you go in and someone the other day was like, it's a great, great analogy, you know? It's like, you go in and you're just like, you look at everyone's shoes. And then like, you start, like, eventually one day, like, you look up and look around. 

No, it's true. It's very true. And the friendships you build, like with my sponsor, me and her, we we aim to go like on hikes weekly or connect or whatever. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's just like that spiritual, spiritual journey. Oh, I actually really enjoy my sponsor. She's like This little, quite older lady, so sweet.

And, um, I'm just like, have this new best friend. But I remember the time that she was like, well, I'll just come by, like, she comes by my office a lot, you know? And I'm like, okay. And then the one day I was like, so you're just like going to keep coming by. And she's like, well, why wouldn't I come by? Like we set an appointment and I was like, But like, you're just gonna like, do that for me? 

And I started crying, and she's like, well, why wouldn't I? And I was like, you just are gonna like, come by just to like, see how I am, you know? Yeah, that's, it's beautiful. It's honestly like, such beautiful, like, those are real friends. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I have many friends and stuff like that, close and stuff like that too, but like, you know? 

It's, it's like they understand you, they don't judge you, they, they, they will tell you the real thing, like, you know what I mean? It's not like, oh, okay, come on, let's just have a drink, and you know, we'll just forget about this, and like, or you know what I mean? Like, I know I had different, I had different types of friends and stuff like that, and like, you know, there would be the friends that would be stuck in there.

Thing, whatever, which I'm not judging or anything, everyone said that in the journal. Yeah, because I had a lot of things I was stuck in. Yeah, a heck of a lot of things. And at that time, they were a match for me to be my friends. Like, you know what I mean? We were drinking buddies, I guess. But like, you know what I mean?

It was just like a sucker holder in kind of thing. But when you find people, like, that uplift you, that you grow together, miracles happen. Like, opportunities come. Things, like, have been falling into my lap. Like, Out of nowhere, and like if they say like the spiritual, uh,  experiences, uh, promises, or I always mix it up, the promises, like sometimes some come faster, sometimes some come quicker, whatever, and it's just like so amazing, uh, all the things that you experience on this journey. 

Yeah, it's really cool. Um, and  I, I feel lucky enough that like I've,  was brave enough to put my story out there and so now like I get a lot of questions, a lot of feedback and I'm like, I hope that like we can answer some of those. And I think talking about AA, I know because it just feels so scary to so many people and they're like, well, they're going to suck me into religion and I'm like, well, there's not a single religion that goes on there.

There's actually a lady in my group who refers to God. It's like, she has a name for, it's like a female name. Yeah. Like when she's like talking and I'm at first, I was like, who is she talking about? You know?  So it's like, you literally can do anything that works for you. That works for you. And you know, I know even two in our group, they were even talking to like, oh, you know, you don't know, or you feel lost, like here, you can borrow my God for a little bit or like, you know what I mean?

Like, no one's going to judge and push down something to make you feel uncomfortable. And then you start realizing things even on your own.  One of the best pieces of advice I've gotten and I'm like, I wish I could have had this earlier in life and applied it to all areas because now I do it all the time.

 And. So I live in Utah, which is predominantly Mormon. So I do run into a lot of people who have religious trauma. So like when I say God, or I say pray, you know, so I've gotten good about being like, I'm going to tell you the words that I'm using, but will you please interchange them, like send vibes, you know,  that's really what AA is.

I'm like, just go ahead and interchange. Whatever's really, really bothering you. But the best piece of advice I got was, I was like, Hey, I'm kind of struggling like with family and just like some certain circumstances that went down. And I'm like, I'm feeling angry, you know, like I just want to be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

And, but I'm like, I don't, I'm not going to go change these people, you know? Cause I realized like, it's not my job and their business is their business, but I just wish I didn't feel so angry about it. I was told just to like pray for people and that right there has changed it. So when I'm feeling flustered with a situation or I just want to be like, listen, you stupid mother effer.

Or, you know, even like your spouse, you're like, I'm like, you know, do you see me at the gym like every day? Cause I don't see you, you know, instead it was like, just pray for them. And it's really kind of cool to watch those miracles unfold. You know, and even if it's just my own reality, like, they don't even know what's going on, it's flippin beautiful.

No, it is, honestly, and like, I can even relate to, like, even, I recently got a car, like, in the summertime, and like, some of the drivers around, it's just like, they really irk me. Oh, yeah, I get that sometimes, too.  But, you know, and that was something that I was working on, and you know, talking with my sponsor, I'm like, you know, I don't, I want to be more calm, or I want to be like, you know, more, and like,  like, mind you, I still make my little mistakes or whatever kind of thing, but, you know, just being more like, I guess, calm, like, you know what I mean?

Like, it's, it's,  there's changes within that I have, like, never thought that even could happen. Like, you know what I mean? Like the overthinking, the overthinking was like the biggest thing, like morning and night was overthinking, like being on that survival mode. And like, they always say, like, your nervous system's like dysregulated, like you're just like, whatever, and you're like, you know, on this fight or flight. 

And now you can just, like, breathe. I feel like I could breathe. Like, I could, like, there's no point of stressing because, true, pray for someone, surrender, let it go, and, you know, it's the miracles that unfold. That's the most beautiful thing.  I know like yesterday,  I was just feeling stressed about going to a meeting.

I have some like sometimes I have to show up in like pantsuits, you know, type of like clients and meetings. And I was just like, I just like mentally I was like, and I just like stopped. And again, you guys, even if you're like, just talk to the universe or like send good vibes.  But I just stopped and I like just prayed.

I was like, okay, like, please like help me like reshift  my focus. Cause my brain was like, I don't want to go in there. I'm like, can I say I'm sick? Maybe we can reschedule. I don't want to do this today. And it was so funny because I went in, best meeting I've ever had in my life, walked out with more money.

Like,  like, it's amazing. It's so amazing when we just like surrender and let it go. Like, you know what I mean? Like it's beautiful. And it says that all in like the book and like all like the steps and everything to the prayers. They have the app too, but that I like to use. I don't know if you use it. It's daily reflections.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. The Everything AA, that one? No, the one, I'll pull it up on my phone. So the one that I look at, it's the Daily Reflections. Okay, I'm gonna write that down. Do, it's on Alcoholics Anonymous website, and every day it has a Daily Reflections. Have you seen it? It's like a little tiny book. I do have a Daily Reflection, I have, but I use the Everything AA app, so it might be the same  kind of flow.

It's probably Canadian, no, I'm just kidding.  Probably. More difficult. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. We have our own issues here in America. Aa.  org. Okay. It's just, yeah, so it's not, it's not an app. It's like, it's just a website that I go to. Okay. Yeah. Which is the same thing, really. You just click the little web button, you know? 

 Well, I can do hard things. I love the daily reflections. And that's what we use in our home group. And then I have a codependency book that I read from every day as well, which has been kind of blown people's mind. They're like, Well, who are you codependent to? And I'm like, alcohol?  Yeah, that's the thing, like, too, like, you know, I always say to everyone as well, like, addiction  is like alcohol.

They're like, you know, alcohol is a big thing too, but there's like even food, there's shopping, there's everything, there's something, like, you know what I mean? And  the life that we're here on earth isn't meant for us to just pass by and go and that's it. It's the self discovery within ourselves, our spiritual healing and  leaving an impact, a legacy or whatever, whatever it is.

Like it's your passion, your talent that God, like your higher power, whoever you call, uh, gives you and for you to unfold that on, in on this planet. So.  Yeah, it's pretty cool. So again, you guys like there's so many tools and resources out there to help you with your sobriety journey.  I love it because it's like, if not, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, right?

It's like, my spouse still drinks, you know, my closest friends and family drink. And so it's like, who do you go to? Like, they're all very, very supportive. And in fact, if I was like, hey, we should all go out and get drinks, they'd be like, we're not doing that. We know how hard you're working, you know? But it's like, they don't have the same stuff.

It's like, I just. Need people to know like you're not alone out there. There's so many resources And so like if you think you are alone, it's because you're literally stopping yourself  Yeah, 100 percent and that's the only thing is us stopping ourselves from, like, I even told my, someone close to me too, and I said, you know what, you need to be honest with yourself.

Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself and then that's when things will start to change because we lie to ourselves and make excuses to ourselves,  I guess to keep us safe because maybe the fear, like I remember I was thinking about my wedding, like I'm gonna, how am I going to get married?  No, I've heard this before from other people who are single.

Go Bears!  Well, am I not going to drink champagne at my wedding? And then I almost like threw up in the parking lot and I'm not even dating anyone.  It's like what?  But now it's completely different because when you're honest with yourself, you're like I don't need that to have fun I have so I would love to be more present and intentional in my wedding and make the time go by so slow rather than just getting drunk and let it be like a quick like you know what I mean like It's beautiful.

Yeah, it really is  Okay, so what are some of your favorite resources, just real quick, or like, what's like your favorite book, favorite podcast, do you have one around sobriety, something that you would recommend to people?  Yeah, so right now what I'm doing is I use the app, the Everything AA. I find it very simple, helpful to use.

I do go to the meetings and I do read through the book. There was a book that I ordered. Oh my goodness. I, I put it back on the shelf. I need to go back to it. It's 12 steps for a woman, but I think it's  something she, woman's change something. I can't remember the exact name, but it's a woman's version of AA. 

And it was a beautiful book too, that I was reading.  Oh rad. Do you listen to anything like, like podcast wise, or like how do you kind of feel yourself?  Podcast? Not necessarily. I did in the past.  now I'm not really like listening to them, but I have. The thing is, I had something go on with my film, so I like sometimes go on, sometimes not.

But, I'm more of like the books, the apps, I was even like YouTube videos, something came up. That's what I'm saying is there's like so many things. There's so, there's so many things, there's so many things. And, and before too, it was a lot of podcasts that I was listening to in the beginning of my journey.

 I can't remember the names to, to be honest with you, but yeah.  There's so many things out there.  Julie, listen, guys, it all works, okay? Just work, do something. Now I'm going to go back to it. See, and that's going to be my exercise now, because now I'm going to go back to it. I'm going to go back to my Spotify and put it all in.

It's meant to be. Yeah, that was my sign for today.  Awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on, Ashley. Where can we find you just in the digital world? Yeah, so I'm on Instagram, at Ashley, at theashleypokalski,  also on Facebook,  ashleypokalski, and yeah.  Are you on TikTok? Well I'm not. I do want to start it.

I was going to expand to TikTok and YouTube, but yeah, I'm just on Facebook and Instagram for now. Dude, I love Sober Talk. I mean, after Sunday though, I might not be on TikTok.  I'm like, what is our government doing? Yeah, oh yes, they're cancelling the TikToks, aren't they?  It's like they're fighting about it.

Yeah.  I'm just like, that's what it's like. Plus it's like, what I do for a living is like manage social accounts and create content.  And every day my clients are like, what are they doing? And I'm like, I don't know, but I watched this news report and then, Oh, here's another action. You know, like I'm trying to find like good sources.

And even like those that you would say, I'm air quoting here are credible. You know, they're all conflicting.  But you know what? This talk has been on it for so long. And I'm just like, at this point, I'm like, I don't even think it's going to happen.  I know it's supposed to be January 19th, which I know this podcast is coming out after that.

So that's like in four days. So we'll see. I'll see now. Now I need to get on Tik TOK.  I'm like, you know, future me is like,  But there's YouTube, so many other different things, right? And trusting the process, what's meant to be, and work and unfold, the perfect platform will be there. I know, every day I'm like, hmm, how interesting. 

It's all working out, right? Yep. Awesome. Well, thanks for sharing your story. I love when people are willing to share because honestly, it's like what I needed, you know, eight months ago was  because, you know, you said it a second ago, like you're not drinking out of a brown paper bag. I was in like under a bridge down by the river, you know,  it's like, they're just normal people and it was ruining our lives.

And we felt like shit and chose to do something different.  Oh, a hundred percent. Cause a lot of people, like they think it's normal, like what they're doing, like drinking and it's actually an addiction. I know I'm like, I don't want to say that, but yeah, no, but you know, like even they were saying like, even like weekend drinkers, like, you know, that's, you know, I want to say that, but you know, we mind our own business.

Yeah.  Okay. Last thing real quick. The other day, my cousin and I were talking about something and he's like, I totally thought you were going to be like, shut the F up, like to someone, you know,   and I was like, no, sober Sam was like, they can have their opinion. And he's like, but someone should have told him to shut up.

I was like, the sober Sam does not. It was so funny. No, that is so true. Honestly, that I look at it like that too. Like the old Ashley, like how like you handle things, say things like, you know, like the calm sober.  Yeah, and I'm like, in the car on the way home, I was like, to my husband, I was like, did you F ing hear that?

And he's like, yeah, I was like, I cannot believe it. You know, it was something where it was like, wow, they had had too much to drink. Okay. And he's like, you really just were like, huh, how interesting. And I'm like, sober Sam does not choose to engage. But I will talk this out with you. No.  So yeah, you guys,  anyways, thank you guys for listening.

Lots of SOBER resources. Check the show notes and, oh, I'm supposed to be saying this, leave us a review. Ashley, you need to review the show, too. Oh, yes. You know what? I'm gonna be listening to this like, Every time. It's like 2, 000 down, extra downloads and they all came from Ashley.  Anyways, thank you guys so much for listening and have a great day.