Sobriety, Self-Discovery & Navigating Toxic Clients to Reclaim Your Edge with Tracy O'Malley

I am joined by Tracy O’Malley, Enneagram expert, keynote speaker, badass entrepreneur, and someone with over 4,600 days of sobriety under her belt. She shares her journey to sobriety and how the Enneagram became a life-changing tool for personal and professional growth.

Tracy shares how the Enneagram works like a roadmap for understanding your operating system, the why behind what you do, and how it can shift your relationships, leadership, and self-compassion.

We open up about our shared experience navigating toxic professional relationships, why we stayed as long as we did, and how compassion, not shame, is what ultimately set us free. We are reclaiming our power after betrayal.

EDGE framework:

• Examine your operating system.
• Discern and direct your energy.
• Ground into your body.
• Express boundaries before you're pissed.

If you have ever questioned your patterns or stayed too long in the wrong room, this one is for you.

Connect with Tracy O'Malley:

• Website: tracyomalley.com
• Podcast: The Enneagram Edge
• Instagram: @‌tracy_omalley

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Transcript

 And they look down here we're, I like, love where I'm at now. Isn't life great, Uhhuh like seriously, there's, I can't even imagine. Oh, I mean, I probably wouldn't be alive still, but like i's so much clarity that comes with sobriety that you just can't explain. Yeah. You just can't explain unless you're living it.

And had you told me 13 years ago that would be the case and be like, that's funny. Fuck yourself. Like there's no way. Exactly.

Welcome to the Samantha Parker Show. In today's episode, we're gonna talk about the transformation journey of reclaiming one's edge.

My guest today is Tracy O'Malley. She's a renowned Enneagram expert keynote speaker, badass entrepreneur, has some serious years of sobriety under her belt. So, Tracy, well, how many years do you have? It'll be 13 in September. Okay. I have, see I've got 12 years on here. It was Right. I do a little internet sleuthing me and chat GPT, you know?

Yeah. I mean, if you wanna be technical, it's like 4,630, maybe five days. Of sobriety continuously. So, I mean, but who's counting? But who's counting? I actually looked at it the other morning. I was just like, kind of sitting in, I was like, you know, that's a big fucking deal. Like how long has it been like, other than years and yeah, 4,630, like four, five days.

I think it's freaking amazing. But, so we're gonna, today we're gonna dive into your path to sobriety and then some of the insights on Enneagrams. And you know me, like you've told me my Enneagram before and I'm like, I don't really get it. So I'm excited to learn more because I was listening to your podcast and I'll listen to it from time to time, but like this morning I binged it and I was listening to a ton of it and I listened to probably like four or five episodes.

And I'm like, okay. I think this is a really helpful tool for people, especially in their professional lives and even just their personal lives because it looks like you, you even like help couples. Oh yeah. This is like 10 years of couples therapy. I have couples that put me on speed dial and it's just cool.

And I, I mean, full transparency, I think I may or may not have told you this. I was introduced to the Enneagram in rehab by my therapist, and I told her, oh, fuck herself. I'm like, I don't need another label. I already have plenty. Like, and she was like, my dear, like, this might help you get outta the box that not only the world has put you in, but you've also put yourself in.

And I was like, all right, Nancy, you got a fucking point. It really revealed so much about why I do what I do, not just what I do. And you know, when you get to the point where you're deciding to, you know, cut. Ties with a lot of your coping mechanisms. You're not always really nice to yourself. And what the Enneagram gave me was immediate compassion for myself.

And I think that's what held, honestly, I don't know if I'm still sober without understanding that tool to really navigate the why behind what I do. 'Cause a lot of times, alcohol is a symptom. It's a coping mechanism when we don't know how to emotionally deal with, with certain things or escape from things.

And this help really kind of like reign me back into who I was designed to be before life kind of kicked me in the dick a little bit. Oh my God, I bet you were spicy in rehab. You have no idea. I literally stood up after Nancy told me the statistics about the number of people that stay sober. And the first words I spoke to all 14 people in my house is like, I apologize in advance.

None of you are gonna make it 'cause I'm a 2% so. And sadly, like those statistics are true. And I was absolutely right. Within, you know, three months, every single one of them had relapsed. In fact, my roommate in rehab died within 18 months. So like, although I was spicy, like I I, when I made that decision, I was not turning back.

I was not turning back. And if I was the 2% then so be it. That's, well that just feels like you though. It is. It is. And I still see Nancy to this day, so like, you know, she can handle my spiciness. She's an Enneagram eight like me. So yeah. Okay. So can you give me just like a really, like Enneagram for Dummies overview?

Oh, I hate this question. Because I talk about it very different than anyone else and Okay. So, so from your perspective, like, yeah. For those just unfamiliar, like how it can be, how can we use it for personal growth? Yeah, like a roadmap, honestly. Like a compass, like a navigation system. And as when I was a little girl, Sam, I used to read the Atlas and I know you're a little bit younger than me, so you know, before there was Yahoo Maps and all this stuff, we actually had to read a fucking map.

And as a little girl, I used to lay on the floor and read the atlas and like everybody would make fun of me. My family would make fun of me and my dad's like, why are you reading Iowa? And I was always kind of fascinated with like, how do we get from here to there? How does this all connect? And you know, not just in the physical form, in a map, but in humans.

I grew up in an alcoholic home and I was always kind of wondering, how did we get here? How does, how did this happen? You know, and, and why is my dad the way he is and why is my mom the way that she is and why is my sister like she is? And you know, always kind of connecting the dots. And when the Enneagram was revealed to me.

It was like this divine appointment with a higher power God, whatever you wanna call it. And it was like God said to me, I knew you were ready for the language that you've been trying to figure out your whole life. And what the Enneagram is, is this framework for all those different parts of us, the why behind the what, the why behind the action.

And when you understand that, it's just like an atlas. It's just like a compass. Like we have our home base just like in a map, right? Like when, when you set your ways or your, your Google maps, it's like you at home, right? But we venture out into the world and the Enneagram is, your Enneagram type is connected to all these other types that can help you take all these different routes to get wherever you go.

And you know, like as a mom, you know, me as an Enneagram eight is actually really spicy and it's not always like the right tool for the job. So understanding my framework and, and the components attached to me helps me kind of. Pull different levers. I'm still motivated the way that I'm motivated. I still fear the things that I fear.

However, this gave me a wider range for not only how I can show up, who I can show up for and how, people can receive me. , And the impact I'm able to make. Because back in the day when I was just spicy Tracy all the time with no compassion, I could talk to all the men in the car industry that I used to be in.

I could talk to type A bitchy women like me. But like my son who's an empath, Pisces. Not so much to my daughter who's this free spirited gypsy, not so much. And the Enneagram gave me the compass and the roadmap and the navigation system to be able to still be spicy me, but pull these other levers so that I can be more effective in the way that I communicate, the way that I lead, the way that I love, and it's changed the game.

So that, that's how I like to explain it. It's a compass, it's a navigation system. We're more than just our type, but that's our home base. And when you understand what home base looks like for you, then you can venture out into the world and take all these fun routes, that serve you. Yeah, there was some things that you said in there that I was, I'm like, that's really helpful because do you get this a lot?

I get this a lot that it's, I know it's that I'm a little intimidating. I think you're a little intimidating. I wasn't intimidated by you though, because I think we're a little similar where I was like, Ooh, I like her. You know? Um, but I get a lot of people that are like, oh, you're a bitch or you're a bitch or this, you're that.

What are you talking about? I'm like the nicest person. Yeah, I used to get that all the time. I used to get the intimidation all the time. And honestly, like, I fucking loved that because that means this, flexing that I used to do to prove to you how strong I was, was working. Now when people say, whew, you make me nervous.

Like, I like it, but not from an ego place. It's like, great, you're ready for this opportunity of growth. Because if I, if I activate you a little bit, that means you're ready. Now, whether or not people like that or not is TBD, but I don't hear you're intimidating so much or like, woo. It's like you like stir something up in me and I'm like, is that good or not so good for you right now?

Does it feel good? And sometimes they tell me no. I'm like, I get that. If I had shown up in front of the me I am today, 15 years ago, maybe get this bitch away from me. Seriously, not because of the intimidation factor, but it's like, I know, like I can kind of see what's happening. So when I do hear that today, like I, I don't love it from the ego place anymore like I used to.

I, it you, I used to get off on when people would say, I'm intimidated by you. I'm like, good mission accomplished. You understood the assignment. Now when they say it, if it's in that kind of language, I'm like, great. Are you ready to grow? Ooh. Oh, I like that. Are you ready to grow? I think you're an amazing, like leader and just someone that I really luck up to.

But we do have a little bit of a history. Just a little, yeah, we do. One of my favorite memories and when people are like, you know, Tracy? And I'm like, yeah, one time we were in the Starbucks line and I just think you were driving that stupid car that had like, we were in California and it was like sensor activated.

Remember? And every time we got next to the drive-thru, it would be like. And you're like, I'm trying to order fucking coffee. Like, shut the fuck up. I don't need help. I can see here. Yeah. And I just remember laughing so hard. I was like, this is so funny. Yeah. And I drive a big ass pickup truck, so I don't need all these little spaceship cars.

I mean, those are cool too, but like, let me run over shit. Like, I don't care. I don't need any bell bells or whistles telling me to, to watch out. I know. I don't even have a backup cam, which I probably should, but like my car does seem, well, my Jeep doesn't have a backup cam. I mean, I do like having that 'cause you know, the big truck and everything, but it's, it's, you know, it's very symbolic.

Like, I don't need help. Right. Like, that car was so annoying. Like, you know, we could go into that whole car, but like, it was so annoying. But that was kind of a symbol of my life. Like, I don't need help. I don't need help. But when, you know, actually I did, but I have to trust what's trying to help me. And I didn't fucking trust that car by any means.

However, I have learned to trust. The help that shows up for me today. Oh, that's beautiful. So how does one, like, discover their Enneagram type? Is it like a quiz or It's not right? Yeah. This is, this is the asterisk in the Enneagram thing. It's not like human design, which I love. It's not like astrology where all you have to plug in is like where you're born, your, you know, your birthdate and things like that.

You know, it, it's rooted in psychology and it's rooted, I believe in spirituality both. So it kind of brings nature and nurture together. And unfortunately, this thing became trendy about nine years ago. And so everybody and their mother has made a quiz, but they're inaccurate most of the time, like 65 to 70% of the time.

Even the paid tests, a lot of the paid tests out there. So think about it, if, if you're using it like a navigation system in a map, if you have the wrong coordinates and the wrong information, you're going in the wrong direction and this thing doesn't help you. Right? So this is kind of where. Um, having the right kind of information in front of you is key.

I have an assessment that is over 95% accurate, and I got so good. I don't need assessments because I've been doing this for a long time, long before there were assessments and the one that I have now, I test it, you know, I was like, okay, this is where I think this person is, and then they'll take my assessment and sure.

Shit. It's right. So like that's the thing. So it's, there's two ways you can go about it. You can go the slow journey. Kind of like going to Disneyland and waiting in the long line with everybody else. I don't like to play like that. I get the, the fast pass, whether it's six flags or you know, you get the fast pass, you always, I'm like, I will put it off going for a month so we can fast pass, you know, bingo.

So that's kind of my assessment is the fast pass, if you want, want the accurate information so you can actually start using this atlas, like the power tool that it is like, like a precision like Swiss army knife. You have to have the right information. And, and so that's where it starts. Now, if you wanna like, just check it out, have at it, there's some very vanilla books out there, but if you really wanna transform your life accelerated version, like get the right information with me and then you can take it and run with it.

Because I was mistyped originally too, like. But I can see it like behaviorally, I could see why I was mistyped, but motivationally, when Nancy and I are sitting across from each other, of course I was like, yes, I'm an Enneagram three, the competitive achiever, but motivationally not even close. I'm not motivated.

Like a three is, I'm motivated like an A is. Even though behaviorally I can look like that. And a lot of the online assessments, quizzes, things, they don't take kind of the motive behind what we do. They just take the what we do and then they throw you into this category. And you know, and when people drink the Enneagram Kool-Aid because they love it, I'm like warning 'em.

I don't go around telling people what they are. 'cause if you give somebody the wrong information and they take that, like it's not gonna have the same impact that it has you because you did it through me. You know? Yeah. My question was really like, can people change enneagrams?

Like can they jump. No, no, I, and you know, I've carried two babies in my body and they were very different from each other in utero. And then they showed up earth side, and now they're 27 and 28, right? But when, when they came out into the world, their personality was still very true to how they were in utero and true to their Enneagram types.

Like, looking back, I was like, oh, my son was always like this, this helper. My daughter was always this free spirited, kind of like, you know, I mean, you've met her, you know, you know what I'm talking about. And that is true to who they were as little kids. Now the expression of it absolutely changes. And because this is kind of a compass and an and an atlas.

How that gets expressed can really change depending on what you're taught, told and modeled. The environment you're in. Who's raising you? The school systems, the culture, because me as an Enneagram eight in my household, as long as my dad was there, there's no fucking way I could show up in my eight ness because he ruled the roost and it was his way or the highway.

Now understanding the Enneagram, I know what I was doing. I was leaning into one of the other, um, components that's attached to my aness and not a healthy way, but when dad was gone, oh, stepped back into it, you know, so it doesn't change. However, because there's all these components attached to us, you know, we can use them to be an effective leader, partner, friend, parent, and also we can use some of these as like survival techniques to get through.

So do you think a lot of times, like, we'll almost put like our unique personalities and things like in a box. You know, like our expressions of our enneagrams and kind of hide them. Yeah. You know, when I got sober and even recently, I will say, you know, 'cause the eight, which is what I am, is motivated by being strong and powerful.

Not by being the best, not by being loved, but I want everyone to know. And I want to remind myself how strong I am. And the last two years specifically, I have been on this journey to embrace the vulnerability and the softness. But in my body that feels like, whoa, that is really hard. That is really hard.

And, and recently I've had this epiphany that I can be both. I can be really soft and compassionate and empathetic and kind and, and all the things that I am, and also I'll cut a bitch if I have to in a moment's notice. But for the longest time, because I think most of us, especially those of you listening to this show, we tend to live in these extremes that if I wasn't like making my life a Dateline episode.

Then I was like, you know, sitting, you know, in a, you know, meditation posting in Kumbaya. But you know, the real flex is finding the sweet spot in the middle is like my gift is my intensity. It actually is only when I'm in a place of love, compassion, empathy, grace, service, and fun and innocence. Now that same intensity becomes the wrecking ball in my life when it's from fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, or ego.

And so the good news for all of you is we don't have to fucking change who we are. And that was like the biggest relief when I was sitting in rehab, you know, after 40 years of doing life a certain way, I was like, if I have to overhaul and change who I am, this is not gonna go well. And what the Enneagram gave me was permission to be me.

But the come from is what is really important. My intensity is my gift. I don't have to shelve it. But I do have to be in love, compassion, empathy, serve as grace, fun and innocence. And you know, a lot of times we'll shelve our, our gifts and our superpowers because it wasn't safe to, because we were told we were too much.

Or who the fuck do you think you are? You know, insert what was said to you or modeled for you. Um, so the Enneagram could give you full-blown permission to be you. Um, but you're responsible for the come from. You gotta take your own personal inventory every single day and be compassionately, radically honest with yourself.

'cause I can still go into the flex from ego. I absolutely can. And I would, you know, I will say 90, 90 to 95% of the time I'm in that love, compassion, empathy, service, grace fund and innocence area. You know, I'm still human and you know, but I can compassionately radically check myself when I am. We could probably use intensity like as a weapon too, you know, or like as a manipulation.

Oh, for sure. And that's like, that's the thing with a tool like this, and I know why, you know, it wasn't given to me until I was at a full surrender. Because I absolutely, just like any tool, I would've weaponized this. I mean, we see people weaponize, you know, a chainsaw in the horror movies, but a chainsaw is a, a phenomenal fucking power tool.

We see people weaponize the fucking Bible, you know, and it's a beautiful, beautiful book. Right? So it's, it's the intent behind the tool. And when I'm teaching and, and bringing the Enneagram into marriages and families and corporations and entrepreneurship, you know, you must be in integrity with only beautiful intent to use this.

Otherwise I'm not gonna give it to you. Was when you went to rehab, so you went at 40? Yep. I had just turned 40. I love that 'cause I just turned 42. Yeah. Turning is fun. Turning 40 is fun. Oh my god. The forties are glorious and the fifties are great too. But yeah, that's what I keep hearing. They're like, 50 is so good.

And I'm like, okay, well 40 is feeling amazing. Yeah. And I, I think that, you know, I'd come to this time in my life, you know, my kids were teenagers at the time, you know, and you're in the same boat. You got teenagers too. It's like, what the fuck? Like what the actual fuck? I got a lot more life to live. Is this all there is?

And my dad had just died and I was like, what is all of this mean anyway? And I looked around to who I was surrounding myself with and they were all really great people, but they weren't. Their standards weren't high. They, they didn't wanna grow. Like I was a constant person who wanted to grow. But because the environments I was always in that wasn't that, I kind of just dumbed it down.

And after my dad died and looking at my teenagers starting to act out in ways that were maybe not exactly like me, it was like the same package, just different wrapping paper. I was like, if I don't know a new way, 'cause they're gonna do what I do, not what I say to do. So in order to know the way, go the way, show the way if I want them to.

Do that with honor, then I have to honorably go first and looking at what was taught, told and modeled for me, I didn't have the playbook for that. I, I mean, I have tenacity and grit and passion and intensity and all of that, but all from fear and ego. And so that was why I made the decision to go to rehab.

It wasn't like I was, I wasn't an everyday drinker. Um, not that that makes me any better than anybody else. It doesn't, 'cause I was way destruct, you know, destructive when I did. Um, but everybody in my life at the time was like, what are you doing? Like, you're way better than all of us. I'm like, yeah, that's probably the problem.

And I, I just knew that I wanted a new playbook for my kids, but I needed to show it, not just tell it, you know, I needed to walk that talk, not just talk it. And so that's why I went, that's why I went. Was a big one for me too, was I got drunk and then like told my daughter off and I was like, some, you just, sometimes things are said you can't unsafe.

It was this, like this week was my first run at it. Um, I had just run and it just showed up in my like Facebook memories and my son and I were talking about it yesterday. Um, it was the weekend of the, uh, San Diego marathon that I kind of popped off on my kids 'cause I could pretty much contain it 'cause I was div I'm divorced and so like I would have them and so when I didn't have them is kind of when I would act out.

But that weekend I had them and horrific things I said to my kids. And the next day when I got home, I went to my AA meeting for the first time and then, um, maintained. 111 days being dry, you know, I would go, but I was still white knuckling. I was like, not letting people help me. I was like, I'll show up at your meetings, I'll read the book.

But I was kind of white knuckling and my dad had died like 30 days before, or he hadn't died yet. He was gonna die a month later. And I stayed dry through my dad's death. And then I was dating somebody who was a big drinker and we were going to Vegas. 'cause that's always a really great idea in early sobriety.

Right. And I remember he came out of the gas station. We, we were driving there from Arizona and he came out with the two peppermint Schnapps shooters. And he is like, you've been doing so good. What? What's one weekend gonna do? I was like, you know what, you're right. What is one Weekend gonna do? And you know, that first night it was fine, and then the second night I'm jumping out of a moving cab, you know, rolling down Las Vegas Boulevard because of my shame that, you know, I'd said and done things that I wasn't proud of, and I knew that day.

That was it. That was it. And I was willing to let go of anything, anyone, except for my kids in order to live this new way. Yeah, that's really powerful. Yeah. Okay. So another thing you talk a lot about, and I'm, I'm loving it, is this edge. Yeah. So tell me about The Edge and it's, yeah, it's an acronym, right?

Yeah. So E, so the Edge is kind of like where your brilliance and your limits kind of meet themselves, right? Like we can go flying over the edge, which is where I used to like to live. Or we can dim our edge, or a little bit of both, which I've done both, right? It's like if I go too far, you know, I could be destructive or.

Ruffle some feathers that there's consequences for, and you know, that doesn't feel good or I can dim it because the people in my life are like uncomfortable with it. So I like to know like your brilliance and your limits. Like you gotta kind of know where that fine line is. And the Enneagram is that roadmap, honestly.

Like I know, 'cause it's like this checking system. Like I know where, where my limit is, and I also know when I'm operating not in integrity. Right? So that's what I love. The, the e stands for, um, uh, what's the word? Um, I got it right here. What is it? Like your operating system. Examine, examine your operating system.

Yes. Examine your operating system, which, when you know your Enneagram type, like my operating system, am I doing this to be strong and powerful or is this the right thing to do? The D is, um, discerning and directing your energy, right? Like discernment and direction of your energy. I love to fight because it makes me feel strong and powerful, right.

However, I don't fight near as much as I used to because usually it's out of ego or fear or insecurity or whatever back in the day. And now it's like my best fighting is in my silence. I. Which we've talked about, right? Like the best fighting and the best energy management I do sometimes even when I'm fucking right, is to like discern and direct my energy elsewhere.

The G is grounding into your body, and this was a big one for me. This was a big one for me because for most of my life I was neck down, dead. I understood everything from the neck up since I was a little girl. But like my body was going, bitch, what the hell are you doing? Don't you see like what's going on?

I was like, yeah, that's cute. Hold my beer. I'm gonna take over here. And grounding into my body really. I would say about nine years ago when I was having my own health kind of things going on, looking back my whole life, I could see where my body had been trying to tell me something. So grounding my body is a daily, sometimes twice daily practice because the body keeps a score and the body never lies.

And you know, sometimes our ego and our pride and and our own kind of shit will block what our body's trying to tell us. Um, so that's a big one. And then e isn't enforcing and expressing boundaries before you're pissed, before you're over the edge or you've dimmed your edge too long and the Enneagram can kind of help you stay within that acronym all the time.

I love that. So I keep seeing like you're doing workshops and you're doing talks and it's all about this edge. And I was like, I've gotta hear like kind of, what do you think inspired that? You know, because, you know, I resisted being the Enneagram girl. I still do sometimes because I'm way deeper than that.

Um, I have a lot of knowledge and resources and wisdom, and I'm way more than that, but it's kind of the gateway. However, a lot of the Enneagram stuff you'll see out there, they're beautiful information teachers. They really, really are. But information doesn't mean jack shit. If you don't know how to integrate it, and I bring this extra edge to the Enneagram, it's like, I don't fucking care.

Like, so what if you're an Enneagram three? Like when Nancy in rehab's, like, I want you to do this. I'm like, what's in this for me? Right? Like, I want people to have an edge up on their life by understanding their mapping system fully so that they can, you know, have their brilliance meet their limits instead of dimming it or flying over the edge and leaving a pile of wreckage, right?

Mm-hmm. So I, I bring the edgy to everything, but edgy and elegant. 'cause the Enneagram is this elegant, beautiful, um, like scalpel a beau, you know, think of a surgeon with their tool. If, if they don't know how to work the scalpel, then you know they're making a mess. But the most skills surgeons know how to use the tool with precision.

And that's how I use the Enneagram. I'm like a masterful surgeon with it. And that's, you really are too. Yeah. It's Ed as fuck if you ask me. So it, it is quite well, I was looking at your stuff and I've been, you know, obviously I followed you for years, but I've noticed like you brought in this edge and I was like, oh, like she does have an edge.

It just feels like you, so you'll appreciate this. So it was a few months ago, like, I've had my podcast for God almost six years now, which is crazy. Over 400 episodes and it's changed names a few times. And you know, at one point I did have Enneagram in the title, and then I was like, uh, like I don't wanna just like.

Talk about like, what's an Enneagram two? Like who cares? Like what's in this for me? And so then I kind of switched it and then I had this epiphany. It's like, you need to teach people how to use this tool, but you need to do it your way. And it was like the edge. The edge and it, and it can incorporate Enneagram, but also the edge of leadership and how to use that tool in leadership personally and professionally.

You know? 'cause the home team, that's why I still do a lot of personal work, not just professional work, because this was the number one transformative tool next to my sobriety and my faith that really radically changed the culture in my home overnight. So I'm not gonna abandon what it's done in my home team when I know how powerful it is.

Um, and it, and gave us an edge up. You know, I've been a single mom for 17 years and, and to have. Kids that are radically different from me and each other turn out as well as they have didn't happen by accident. You know, I brought this edge into my family and I, and, and I, we use this tool constantly to better understand each other, to better communicate with each other.

And then obviously professionally, when I left a male dominated industry going into a fully female dominated industry, without my knowledge of this, there's no way I would've had the success I did, nor would people feel safe, um, being led by me because of that intensity. Yeah. That's awesome. Okay, so to wrap up our episode here, I wanna discuss something.

Um, I was gonna say highly controversial, but it's not at all. Yeah. You and I both had a very toxic, like, professional business relationship and both of us had to navigate through that. Um, and you got out earlier than I did. Which doesn't, I'm like, it, it's, there's no awards here, but sometimes you don't get it till you get it.

That's just the way it is. I know, I know that I had an opportunity to get out 'cause I remember sitting in my car and I was like, you gotta get out of this. You know? And then I kind of gaslit myself. But I think it was the timing, everything was timing. 'cause I'd met so many amazing people that wouldn't have happened, you know?

And I wouldn't have learned the things. Sometimes you have to learn skills, like the nasty way, you know, it's not all like love and light out there. Most of us do. I mean, you know, it's, it's like when I wanna flex and be strong sometimes, you know, as a mom there are times I know I can intervene and, and help soften the blow that I know is coming their way.

But I know the lessons that I've gotten that are the most impactful. I need to be like walloped between the eyeballs sometimes. Um, and I meet myself now with compassion for some of the ones, some of the lessons that are a little bit harder, including that relationship. Like I had no idea. Until after and I teach this shit.

Like that's how intertwined some of this old conditioning can have an effect on you and your decisions. But I will tell you this, meeting yourself with criticism, shame, and judgment will only keep the cycle going and keep you stuck even though you might exit that relationship. The same fucking thing I'll show right back up.

Unless you meet yourself with compassion and empathy and understanding. Um, and when that happened for me, I mean I was like, holy shit, how did I allow that in my life? And I flipped it on its head very, very quickly and without fail within weeks. You know, I had good relationships in my life, but they were so like put on the back burner.

'cause this other one, you know, took so much energy all the time that I was able to. With that compassion, um, lean into the healthier parts of the relationships personally and professionally that were in my life, not easy to do. Um, and it does require you to kind of take a look at like, again, with curiosity, kindness, and compassion.

Like why would I have allowed that, you know, not to judge myself, not to beat myself up, not to gaslit myself, gaslight myself, but like what pattern is familiar here that I've been carrying that is no longer great for me, but I can meet myself lovingly to move forward. And, and that's kind of what that whole thing looks like.

It's not fun. Yeah. It's not easy to meet ourselves there when we have allowed bullshit like that in our life for as long as we did. Um, but I know compassion's the, for ourselves is the only way to break that cycle and not allowed to. A lot of people talk about like toxic personal relationships. Like, you know, you have a toxic spouse, but no one really is talking about this kind of toxic relationship where what happens when you get so entangled in a professional relationship and you're being extremely, it's abuse, it's abusive, is what it was.

Um, I see it happen a lot. Yeah. But yeah, go ahead. It's like, it's like any relationship can almost turn abusive, but for some reason in my head I'm like, no, it's only like spouses. You know what I mean? No, I see it especially in the entrepreneurial space, in this personal brand space a lot, um, because it is so personal to us that, uh, sometimes our guard goes down if we think we can get the edge up or fast track some things.

And I, I think this is why that edge formula is so important to understand, because, you know, I'm in, I'm in amazing groups of networking. Like, I've been in this industry a long, long time, so I know a lot of people and I'm always kind of like, I don't get blown away by the bells and whistles all the time.

It doesn't mean I'm judging them, but I'm going through my edge formula. I'm like, okay, like first of all, why does, why am I attracted to this person? Why do I think they can help me? Um, but pausing in instead of just like drinking the Kool-Aid wherever you see it, because you think that might give you an edge up.

Like the only way you're gonna get an edge up is within first anybody else that comes into your vortex is only an enhancement. If you're honoring your edge, it's the only way. And you have to be clear and paused and like discerning. Even if like, I've had some great opportunities right in front of me and it's a big hard fucking no sometimes because it's like.

There's an agenda here that this person has for you, and you'll over give and then you'll be pissed. And then, you know, like you, you gotta be able to kind of see forward enough. But I think when we get excited, even professionally, esp, 'cause I mean, you know, being an entrepreneur is hard and it's lonely sometimes.

So, you know, we get our little girl gangs and whatever the fuck they call 'em now, you know, it can feel very enticing and it makes us not feel so lonely. And the next thing you know, you're in this abusive, toxic relationship that you know, and now your reputation and, you know, slander shit is, is on the line.

So you're afraid to make waves and it's like, burn the boats, honor your edge and, and be discerning and pause and, um, ask people you trust. Ask people you trust. That was a big one, is I just kind of started tiptoeing where I was like, Hey, like I know, you know, just like it was comments, I'd be like, I see you.

I hope you're okay. Like, you know what I mean? I was just kind of like tiptoeing. But it took, it was like this was a seven year, you know, buildup. Yeah. Before I was like, this is really wrong, you know? So it took a lot of time and there was a lot of manipulation that went into it. Were you able to identify for yourself compassionately and curiously, why you allowed it for as long as you did?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I've learned so much from it. And that my love is the gift. Because when I exited, not just that relationship, but many in my life, as shitty as that person has been, like, I am grateful for the opportunity to, to learn what I have about myself because of that to the shitty ex-boyfriend that I had.

That was terrible to me. Like, I wish him well and I'm grateful because I could not be the partner I am today without that experience. So, you know, trying not to get caught in like even when they do you dirty, 'cause we've both been done dirty, right? But I was like, I'm not interested in like, rehashing with anybody about that.

Like, what did I learn from that? What is there for me to move forward and make me even better? And that's why like energetically, like I had, like my life has gotten a million times better since exiting that. And I easily could have like. Made that ugly if I wanted to, but that would only hurt me more.

Yeah. It doesn't take away, or, you know, like, I think so often we wanna hold people accountable to their, their shit. Um, and we have to, this is where faith and trust comes into blend. Like, all right, big, divine, higher power. I know, like, I may never see that karma and I know that you'll take care of it. I'm gonna do what I do best, and that's be honorable and in integrity with beautiful intent with every person I come in contact with.

And that's all we, I love that. That's all we can do. No, that is like, so well said and so well done. I think for me, I was like going through like the stages where I was like, oh, I did too. I was like, I will take you down. Hulu is gonna be calling me. You know? And then I was like, but like, why? Like, you're, you're not living a life I wanna live, you know?

That's exactly it. Sam, we were talking about it. I was like. For five minutes, I was ready to turn my life into a Dateline episode, and I did not fucking care. And then it was like the things that I just told you. I used all of the tools that I'm talking to you about within a five minute span and got to the place of like, this is no longer for me.

This was a beautiful gift that I was given. It's a painful one. Um, but my life, my, my friend Sam, my friendships are so fucking good. Like, I had no idea it was even possible to have those kind of friendships my whole life. I had no idea. And I would not have been open and vulnerable enough for those, those beautiful relationships that like their sisters to me without that shit show.

So there's a gift in that. Yes. And I, I have so many relationships that have come out of that where I'm just like, wow. I didn't realize, like so many people loved me, you know? Oh my God. I, I love, I love, well, I love you too, Tracy. I mean, we wouldn't know each other so. You know, do you think, um, there's any tips that you learned from that though, that people could maybe like apply or just things that are like red flags?

Is it maybe just like trust yourself? No. Um, because that conditioning, especially if you grew up with any kind of codependency or you know, drama growing up, which I don't know who hasn't. Um, looking back, especially when you're new and entering any kind of relationship, personal or professional, I'm not just talking about friends or romantic partners, I'm also talking about professional.

I always ask myself, no matter how lovely the person is in front of me, especially if I'm like, Ooh, this feels cool. I'm like, okay, what about my dysfunctional upbringing? Does this feel familiar to. And had I asked myself at the beginning of that, which, you know what Sam, at the beginning of that, when I first met her, I felt that, yeah.

I was like, this feels like Chicago. This feels like what? I grew up with the energy before I'd even spoken to her and I ignored it. But it's so familiar. It feels like home. You know, when Dorothy in Wizard of Oz says, there's no place like home. That's kind of how we operate, right? So we start like being drawn to things that feel like home.

And if you grew up in the shit show that I did, of course that's gonna feel good in the moment. So before you enter in any relationship personally or professionally, I would say, what about this person? Or this situation feels very familiar in a dysfunctional way. Like identifying it doesn't mean it's a hard no, but it means you probably got a blind spot there.

You might need to check before you, you know, go all in on it. I think that's a really great advice. Like for anything, you know, anything like dating new spaces, new places, new people, uh, business. Like is this client good for me? You know, everything. Like when I got into the relationship, I am with the guy that I've been with for five and a half years now.

Yeah, you're dating like a hottie. I, I know. He's so great. And I did exactly as like, and I didn't date for like. The prime of my forties, babe. Like I gave up some good years to get this shit right. You know? I was like, I am not gonna repeat the same things I need to understand. But again, we can only learn this stuff.

It's like, we can't get a J-Lo booty unless we're putting the reps in in the gym. We gotta get under the squat rack. Right. And same thing with all this understanding of all of this stuff. Like you don't build the the spiritual and emotional muscles to, to carry it unless you're in the gym in the arena.

And so I had to, but I was pausing a lot, you know, maybe a little bit excessively, but I was like, okay, where's their familiarities here? And, and honestly he's nothing like anything that I've ever experienced before in all the best ways. But in the beginning I started to recognize myself even though he wasn't like anything I'd experienced, I was.

Beginning to be like, I was in relationships and, and I had to have this conversation with him early on. I was like, listen, like there are some things that you're not doing wrong, but they, they activate me in a way that has me slip into dysfunction. So I can't enable that for myself or you because it's not really healthy for you, what you're doing.

Um, but it's not because I need you to change. You just need to be aware, like, this is where I'm gonna go and I'm working on it. And because I paused and we had those conversations very, very, very early on, like first few months, honestly, we have such a solid, great relationship five and a half years later with lots of shit, you know, relationships with blended families, you know, like it brings a lot of shit.

Um, but because of that awareness, the pause, the honoring the edge, um, I know we can make it through anything without resentment, without. Drama. Um, he's spicy too, but in a different way. You know, really fucking cool. It's really cool. And, and there's no way without sobriety I could even pause for anything.

True. Honestly, that was the greatest pause button I ever gave myself. Even though I am spicy and reactive by nature. Um, sobriety was like the first greatest pause button of, of my lifetime. And now with the tool of the Enneagram, it's just like this reinforcement that like, okay, like what do I, what's really important here on Enneagram?

Wait, did you make him, instead of doing a background check, did you like make him do an Enneagram full deep dive? Well, what's funny about this is, is I had met him at a networking event, which is hilarious 'cause neither one of us liked those things. And I knew right away, like I felt him in the room and all the things and, and then I didn't real, it was a, a weird time in my life.

Um, you know, I'd been through a lot. My uncle had just died. There was a lot of family drama, my extended family drama going on, and I kind of ghosted him. And he wasn't even flirting with me. He was asking me like a regular, you know, networking question. I completely ghosted him. And, you know, a few months go by and he came back to the networking event.

But I was like in, in a different energy by then. You know, I'd had few people die, been through some really hard stuff and I was like, okay, okay. And he had texted me back, you know, five months earlier and when he showed back up, I was like, wait a minute. I think he messaged me. You know, I kind of put it on the.

You know, file for later kind of thing. And so I'm like crazy going through my phone, like, was it on LinkedIn? Was it on Facebook? And I found the text messages. I'm like, holy shit, it was five months earlier. So he leaves the meeting and I, I immediately go to Facebook and I start gathering intel, right?

Like, you know, that little meme with Kermit the frog, like maddening on the, the laptop. That was basically me. And I was like, fuck, I can't see enough on his Facebook. So my friend requested him. Um, and then for the next six days, I went down the Google train and pretty much knew everything about him, every property he had owned.

And on day six there was this divine intervention. Like God was like, you need to trust yourself. You need to trust yourself. You're gonna take the fun out of doing this. You don't need more intel. You know what you're doing. Get in the fucking arena, Tracy. And so I pulled out my phone, and on day six I said, so apparently I'm an asshole.

It's not like me when somebody asks me a very valid business question that I, you know, pull a dickhead move and don't respond. So if what you had questions about still applies, let me know, and I promise you it won't take another five months to get back to you. And 24 hours later, he responded and said, not an asshole, not a dickhead, but at least now I can sleep at night.

And then he said, he goes, ironically what I thought I met you for, it's turned out as I followed you the last few months. I had no idea he was following me. That, um, I met you for a much different reason. And again, it wasn't flirty or anything, but he was gone through a divorce and you know, things like that.

So then he started asking questions about the Enneagram, what's this Enneagram thing? He was like, I've been watching what you're doing and I think I'm like this or this or this. 'cause I think I'm a four. I'm like, why do you think you're a four? He goes, well, it's my favorite number. I'm like, well, that's not how it works.

Turns out, turns out he is a four actually, though. Um, so it was cool, like, you know, you know, he had taken one of the online tests and it set like 7, 2, 4 were in his top. I was like, oh geez, if he's a two or a seven, that's what my kids are. I'm like, cool. But the more I was talking to him, I'm like, he's not a seven, he's a fucking four, which is what I grew up with too.

So, um, and they're like this intense creative, like imagination dreamer and they're amazing. And, um, yeah, so it's, it's really cool. It's helped us, it's helped him understand the aness in me, like me needing him to, I don't need him to like save the day for me, but he needs to be willing to step in the fire with me.

And, um, without the Enneagram and, and all that, I don't think he would've really understood that. And he works at like a map too. Like, I mean, I'm complicated sometimes, but it, it's helped both of us. Um, it's helped him understand his kids a little bit more, you know, even though I didn't put an assessment in front of them.

Like, this is what I think Yeah, you're working with here. And, um, it helps it, you know what it does really, you know, when shit feels personal, it usually isn't. This will help you even when it, it stings, you know? 'cause that shit we went through that felt very personal. It still does when you know nonsense is Yeah.

Said and done right. That still feels very personal and I know it's not. It's not at me, it's not at you, you know? So, yeah. Okay. So the Enneagram is a life changer. If you guys wanna connect with Tracy, your website is Tracy O'Malley dot com. Your podcast is the Igram Edge. Are you on all like all the things?

All the things, all the platforms, all the Spotify, all the, yeah. And then LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram. I'm, I'm everywhere. Yes. And then your Instagram is Tracy O'Malley. I love your Instagram. I think you have a lot of fun sharing about the Enneagrams over there. Oh, that means a lot coming from you. 'cause like, I, I need help and we'll talk about that.

Like seriously, I'm like, Ugh, I'm terrible at this. But you know what, I'm showing up and I'm doing it. I just like how you make it fun. You're like, if Enneagrams were like friends characters or you know, you just make it fun. Yeah. And like, I think it is, it is a fun, beautiful tool and I take it very, very seriously.

I take my craft very, very seriously and the teachings and the, the integration of it very seriously. But it is fun. Yeah. And I love it. I love every, I never get tired of talking about it like 24 7. I could talk about it and I love it. Well, it's beautiful and thank you for sharing your time today. Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for being on the Samantha Parker show.

I'm honored babe. Thanks for having me.