Episode 32 – B.S.

Sophia catches up with Chameleon after returning to Rose City.

Thanks for listening!
Follow us on social media:
Twitter: @2ndfiddles
IG: @secondfiddlespodcast
FB: SecondFiddlesPodcast

Transcript

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles:
While on a mission to outer space, Chameleon learned that their hero, Captain Spangles, was dead. They also learned they’re a shapeshifting member of royalty sent by the Kromin Empire to destroy the earth by reproducing with humans. And then, there’s Recall. After rescuing her father, Smasher, along with A-league heroine Danger Damsel, Sophia was left with even more questions. What have these two been up to during the time jump? Let’s find out!

MAT
Episode 32: B.S.

SOPHIA
Greetings, Cam! I can see your breasts!

CAM
Ah BLEEP, Sophia, you’re back!

SOPHIA
Yes, I’ve finally returned from California. Am I interrupting anything? I was not expecting to see… this much of you.

CAM
No, no, I was just working on… a recipe.

SOPHIA
You’re cooking while topless? That may present a safety hazard. Perhaps an apron would allow you the sense of freedom from clothing, while allowing some measure of protection from burns.

CAM
No, it’s all good. I’m just trying to make breastmilk. Do you have time for a story?

SOPHIA
You’ve piqued my interest. Are you developing a formula?

CAM
No, I’ve been trying to produce breast milk by altering my hormones and mammary ducts. I think I finally figured it out. Hang on, let me put a shirt back on.

SOPHIA
May I ask why you’re creating breast milk? I assume this has something to do with Danger Damsel?

CAM
Yeah, so there’s a BLEEP-ton to update you on.

SOPHIA
When I left Rose City to begin the search for my mother, Danger Damsel was pregnant, but had not yet given birth.

CAM
She had the baby a couple weeks ago. We’re not sure if it was postpartum depression, or because the baby’s father died while she was pregnant, but she’s… gone.

SOPHIA
What exactly do you mean by “gone?”

CAM
She just left town. Said she couldn’t deal with the baby and took the BLEEP off. We have not heard from her since.

SOPHIA
Who is the father? Should he not be the one caring for the child?

CAM
So, Danger Damsel and Captain Spangles had this on-again, off-again thing. I always kept it a secret because of hero-sidekick confidentiality. Yes, I know it’s not a real thing, but I respected his privacy.

SOPHIA
While that strongly suggests Spangles as the father, it is far from conclusive. Has a paternity test been performed?

CAM
Well, no. We don’t have a sample from Spangles to compare, but who else could it be?

SOPHIA
There wasn’t even a loose hair available from a hairbrush?

CAM
No, they cleaned his quarters out before I even thought to ask.

SOPHIA
Did Danger Damsel state that he fathered the child?

CAM
She barely said a dozen words after we got her back, and who can blame her? Kromins torture people like it’s their job...which is true in some cases. Jesus. It’s no wonder she can’t handle a baby right now. She can’t even handle herself.

SOPHIA
Selfishly, I’m relieved that my father did NOT fare so badly. He made himself so large and strong that his mental capabilities were greatly diminished, so he was less troubled by conscious thought. He said his memory of his time in space was equivalent to a bowl of plain oatmeal: Mushy and monotonous.

CAM
A mushy memory sounds a lot better than a hardcore combo of postpartum depression and PTSD.

SOPHIA
Based on your breast-milk experimentation, I assume that you are assisting with the care of the baby?

CAM
Ha! “Assisting” is an understatement. I don’t know why, maybe because I associate the baby with Spangles, but I sort of volunteered to foster the baby. Semi-permanently. I’m a BLEEPing parent!

SOPHIA
That’s a serious responsibility, Cam! Do you feel emotionally equipped to be a single parent?

CAM
It was an impulsive decision, but I don’t regret it. I love little B.S. so much, my heart warms every time I see those little eyes gazing at me. And I think the feeling goes both ways.

SOPHIA
Excuse me, could you please repeat what you called the baby… for dramatic effect?

CAM
I’ve been calling them B.S.. You know, “Baby Spangles.” No official name yet. I’m still deciding.

SOPHIA
You haven’t used any gendered language to describe the baby. Is that on purpose?

CAM
Yeah. I decided not to use gendered pronouns; when they’re old enough, they’ll tell me who they are. The gendering of children is so weirdly aggressive.

SOPHIA
Ah, yes. I have heard of gender-neutral parenting. I support your decision wholeheartedly! However, I believe that you should name them something other than BS. It may be considered… off-putting.

CAM
I know, I know. But what if Danger Damsel comes back and doesn’t like the name I pick?

SOPHIA
What name is on the birth certificate?

CAM
Nothing, yet. I think we have another 6 days or something. I haven’t even started brainstorming yet. I know Spangles doesn’t have any living relatives, so I don’t even know if there are family names I could choose from.

SOPHIA
May I ask… what was Captain Spangles’ civilian name? It was never listed in any official personnel files.

CAM
How do you know that? Those are supposed to be confidential.

SOPHIA
Let’s just say my snoopy phase does not refer to the beagle from Peanuts.

CAM
What? Oh, Snoopy. I keep forgetting he’s a beagle. He looks more like a bull terrier with a mouthful of bees.

SOPHIA
Adding brown to his coat and changing the shape of his snout would make all the difference.

CAM
It would! Anyway, so, Spangles’ name was… Roger Stevens.

SOPHIA
Why not name the baby after their father?

CAM
Have you ever seen a baby? How could you call a baby Roger?

SOPHIA
What about Stevie? It’s close to Stevens.

CAM
Well, it’s gender-neutral… better than naming them after a number, or something backwards.

SOPHIA
Ooh! Also, “Baby Stevie” could still be shortened to B.S., if you choose to persist with that awful moniker!

CAM
Hey, I like it! You know, Stevie does have a nice ring to it. Thank you.

SOPHIA
I’m glad I could help!

CAM
Now all I need is help child-proofing my apartment and some furniture, clothing, oh god, diapers, toys, uh, actually all I need is everything.

SOPHIA
When will you be taking Stevie home with you?

CAM
Later this week, maybe? I’m—I’m not sure.

SOPHIA
That is… very soon. I shall assist you in your parenting preparation!

CAM
No BLEEP. You would do that?

SOPHIA
Of course, that’s what friends are for!

CAM
Thank you, Sophia, really. I honestly wasn’t sure if we were still friends. I mean, yeah, we went through a space adventure together, but I didn’t hear from you after you left for California, and… most of the time, mission-driven bonding can fade into this weird nostalgic thing like a high-school reunion, where you look at all these adults and see the people they used to be, that you don’t know anymore, and it just feels weird and hollow. 

SOPHIA
I know what you mean. I recently spoke with Elijah, and he wanted to ask me about the Kromins. He questioned me for 19 minutes and 8 seconds before I softly segued into a different topic. Apparently, he was only focusing on the mission because he was deflecting. He and Max broke up, and he was trying not to tell me.

CAM
Are you BLEEPing me, they broke up? I haven’t talked to anyone since little B.S. was born. Is his invisible little heart broken?

SOPHIA
I could see his tears materialize when they dripped from his face to the ground. It was quite sad.

CAM
Was it at least mutual?

SOPHIA
No. From what I gathered in between his loud sobs, Elijah broke Max’s trust by spying on him multiple times. He was quick to clarify that he’s always secretly watching people just by the nature of his power, which I agree with, but his lack of communication with Max was what broke the proverbial camel’s back. Poor camel, I hope its spine is repaired soon.

CAM
BLEEP, I hope they work it out. Those two are so cute together. I still remember some of their intergalactic phone sex. My favorite role-play of theirs was when Max was a grumpy paleontologist and Elijah was a sassy paleobotanist.

SOPHIA
They roleplayed Jurassic Park but left out Dr. Ian Malcolm? When Jeff Goldblum was lying injured with his shirt open, it made me appreciate more than just the chaos theory.

CAM
Well that took a turn.

SOPHIA
Why would a mathematician be in such good shape?

CAM
Asking the real questions! Ah, I missed you, Sophia.

SOPHIA
I feel the same, Cam. To answer your first question, I don’t know if Elijah and Max can work it out.

CAM
Let’s talk about something happier. I want to hear about your trip to the west coast. Did you find your mother?

SOPHIA
It took a while. It took quite a while, but yes, I found her.

CAM
That’s great! Maybe. Was it great?

SOPHIA
Oh, yes, connecting with a mother I have no memory of was exhilarating. It was emotionally devastating, but the good outweighed the bad.

CAM
I want to know everything, uh… where to begin. Why isn’t she with your dad anymore? Ah, was that too forward?

SOPHIA
No, I’m just replaying everything in my head and trying not to get emotional in the process. It was a lot to take in.

CAM
You’re among friends. Friend. Don’t censor yourself, if you need to BLEEPing cry, cry.

SOPHIA
That’s funny, you just literally censored yourself. There was a bleep and everything.

CAM
What are you talking about?

SOPHIA
Nothing. 

CAM
Take your time, it’s fine. I’m here to listen.

SOPHIA
I will begin chronologically. My parents never married, although they were deeply in love. My father normally relies on science and facts for making his decisions, but as a superhero, he was superstitious. He believed that as soon as a superhero got married, their spouse was destined to die in a tragic death at the hands of a supervillain.

CAM
So he just never got married?

SOPHIA
Exactly.

CAM
I can respect that. Good for him! No one needs to be married.

SOPHIA
Eventually, my parents had me and my sister, Frankie, and the family was stable and content until Frankie’s powers developed.

CAM
Back it up, give me the juicy stuff. How did your parents meet? Is your mom a superhero too?

SOPHIA
Before my parents began a romantic relationship, my mother was Smasher’s first sidekick, Void. She has the power to nullify others’ powers in close proximity. When my father would enter a berserker state, she was able to deescalate him. They balanced each other.

CAM
Aww, I’ve seen old newspaper clippings of Smasher and Void at A-league headquarters. That’s so cool!

SOPHIA
Yes. I knew of their professional association, but my father never talks about her.

CAM
Is that by choice? I mean, did your sister wipe his memory of her?

SOPHIA
No, he told me they separated amicably and she moved out west to be near her extended family—-and he believes this. However, my mother informed me that the truth is more complicated, thanks to Frankie’s memory-altering powers.

CAM
BLEEP. Frankie turns everything into a BLEEP show.

SOPHIA
I was, apparently, the “good child.”

CAM
So, what really happened?

SOPHIA
Frankie’s powers were never able to affect our mother, which frustrated her. Frankie avoided her at all costs. She liked to be in control of the narrative, and having a parent literally immune to her antics oftentimes ruined her fun.

CAM
When did her powers kick in? Puberty?

SOPHIA
Yes. A young teenager who could manipulate memories was terrifying for our mother. My mother became estranged from many people in whom Frankie planted memories that did not align with reality.

CAM
Did Frankie use her powers on you and Smasher a lot?

SOPHIA
Only for small incidences, so that my mother failed to observe it. Since our mother had devoted herself to raising us full-time, she was with us almost continuously. Frankie generally preferred to abuse her powers rather than ask for permission.

CAM
She decided it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission?

SOPHIA
Except that she never had to ask for forgiveness, because no one would remember the offense even occurred. For instance, sneaking out of school, returning before dismissal, and causing the teachers to think she’d been present the entire time. This behavior continued for some time, before it worsened.

CAM
But if your mom can nullify powers, why didn’t she offset all this bullBLEEP your sister was pulling?

SOPHIA
While she can negate a power when someone attempts to use it, she cannot undo the effect of the ability.

CAM
The effect of the ability?

SOPHIA
Nerve damage or an injury, for example.

CAM
Okay, so if someone can make fire, she can block that, but… if someone gets burned before she shows up, she can’t un-burn them after the fact?

SOPHIA
Exactly.

CAM
Hmm. Okay. That makes sense. How long did Frankie have her power before yours manifested? She’s older, right?

SOPHIA
Yes. I developed my power two years after she did. I was curious if my memory power counteracted or negated the effects of Frankie’s, but that wasn’t the case. She stopped using it on me for the most part, however, because she often put little effort into the memories she would implant, and I would notice their obvious lack of detail.

CAM
Reconstructions? Like when she created new memories to replace old ones?

SOPHIA
Indeed. When the average person remembers something, they typically think of the overall impressions and lose many of the minute details. In addition, memory is limited by subjective interpretation. Four people can experience the same event, yet have highly distinct recollections. Sometimes people only remember how something made them feel, or a smell, and memories fade over time.

CAM
Except for yours.

SOPHIA
Correct. Because of the specificity of my memory, Frankie would have to craft a new memory with exquisite detail in order for it to go unquestioned. My mother told me that whenever I would note that I remembered something unclearly, I would suspect Frankie’s influence, and then sisterly bickering would ensue.

CAM
Your sister sounds pretty BLEEPing manipulative, I gotta say.

SOPHIA
Our mother believes Frankie is a psychopath.

CAM
Geez. So, how did that end? I mean, what made your mom leave?

SOPHIA
Eventually Smasher had so many false memories that my mother barely recognized him anymore. When Frankie was upset with our father, she would plant memories of our mother being unfaithful, or lying, or attempting to harm us. Although she created a recording for him, informing him of the truth… it couldn’t undo the harm caused by those implanted memories. Even if he objectively knew they weren’t true, the pain of such recollections was destructive.

CAM
Holy BLEEP. Your sister needs to be sent to the BLEEPing Island.

SOPHIA
Smasher doubted himself so much that he began distancing himself from the family. Eventually, he moved into A-league headquarters.

CAM
Is that when your mom moved away?

SOPHIA
No, not then. I was driving Frankie somewhere one day, and we began to argue. She became so enraged she caused me to forget how to drive. My mother learned this because she had hidden numerous cameras around, so she would have hard evidence of Frankie’s behavior.

CAM
BLEEP me! Did you get in an accident?

SOPHIA
Yes, and the collision triggered my first transformation into Basher.

CAM
Basher?

SOPHIA
Basher is the name used for me in my transformed state. I prefer it over “Lady Smasher,” which I find sexist.

CAM
Then what happened?

SOPHIA
Frankie was injured in the accident. Not badly, but enough to frighten her. She tried to erase my memory of what happened while I was Basher, but something went awry. I passed out, and when I eventually regained consciousness, I had amnesia.

CAM
So Frankie’s the one who wiped your memory?

SOPHIA
I do not believe it was intentional, but yes.

CAM
I thought it was because of your neural inhibitor.

SOPHIA
That must have been a false memory that she implanted in Smasher.

CAM
So how did the inhibitor get in your head in the first place?

SOPHIA
Frankie made my father believe that I, as Basher, caused the collision on purpose, and tricked him into doing the surgery himself. My father is technically, and tangentially, the reason my transformative power has long been suppressed.

CAM
I take it your mom saw your amnesia as a good opportunity to leave town?

SOPHIA
While I was recovering from the surgery, she would sit by my side. When I finally recovered consciousness, Smasher told her about my full memory loss. That’s when she told him she had to leave.

CAM
What did Frankie do?

SOPHIA
Frankie told our father that she was moving to California to work for an ad agency, and he hasn’t seen her since. Or, at least, he hasn’t remembered seeing her since.

CAM
No, I mean, what did Frankie do about your mom leaving?

SOPHIA
Ah. She made our father believe it was a mutual split out of agreed-upon differences, so he wouldn’t seek her out to re-initiate their relationship.

CAM
You’re still not answering my question. Did Frankie do anything to your mom? Like threaten her to stay quiet?

SOPHIA
She did have a conversation with her, but Frankie expressed remorse rather than contempt or anger.

CAM
Really?

SOPHIA
Yes. Frankie felt sorry for erasing my memory, and wanted to stay in Rose City to help heroes behind the scenes. That’s why she’s been sidekicking and then erasing her existence. Of course she may have also been posing as a sidekick while secretly helping villains. It’s difficult to ascertain.

CAM
Well, BLEEP. I hope she’s not a baddie.

SOPHIA
I have many questions for her, but finding her has been quite challenging. It will take time, but I do not plan on giving up.

CAM
Have you tried asking Fourth Wall where she is? He might know, if he’s mentally still with it. ID is his sidekick, so maybe he can put you in touch!

SOPHIA
That’s a wonderful suggestion, Cam. Thank you!

CAM
Anything for you, Sophia. Well, not anything, but… most things.

SOPHIA
I appreciate it. Really, I do. You are a wonderful friend.

CAM
I know. Okay, so, after finally finding her, do you think you’re going to stay in touch?

SOPHIA
Certainly. We have already scheduled biweekly phone calls.

CAM
Of course you have.

SOPHIA
My mother was thrilled to reconnect with me, but she did provide a dire warning against seeking out my sister. She opined that finding Frankie wasn’t worth the closure.

CAM
That sounds about BLEEPing right. I know you’re not going to stop, but I’m worried that meeting your sister won’t be what you want it to be.

SOPHIA
I don’t anticipate hugs and hair-braiding, so I doubt my expectations will be dashed.

CAM
Well, be careful. If you need backup, you have a ton of superpowered friends, so just say the word.

SOPHIA
Thank you. The same goes for you and baby Stevie.

CAM
No offense, but none of you have parenting experience.

SOPHIA
I could read dozens of parenting books, if that would help!

CAM
Well, if I have any questions, there’s always the internet. Or, I could call my mom. She did raise an alien, come to think of it.

SOPHIA
I’ll still do my best to acquire the most relevant information. If you ever need a babysitter, I will try to make myself available.

CAM
Do you… think I’m crazy for taking responsibility for B.S.?

SOPHIA
No, I believe your sincere attachment to Captain Spangles is expressing itself in your care of what may be his child.

CAM
Well, that’s amazingly clinical… and not a great reason to have a kid.

SOPHIA
In such matters, reason is sometimes academic. What matters is what you do once you have a child.

CAM
Those are some wise words, Sophia. If you didn’t talk with such a stilted cadence, you’d make a great motivational speaker. Oh, BLEEP, what time is it?

SOPHIA
It is 11:26 AM.

CAM
Oh, whew, okay. I have a meeting at noon with Doc Healy to go over some medical baby preparation stuff, and I’ve been really spacey lately.

SOPHIA
Spacey… That word reminds of someone that Pitch complained about last week.

CAM
Oh no, is this another one of Tammy’s punny henchie stories?

SOPHIA
No, this is actually in reference to the A and B-league’s new costume designer. She is called Spacy Stacy.

CAM
Is she really forgetful?

SOPHIA
No, her power is that of spatial awareness.

CAM
Oh, cool. Does she use that while fighting? Like, knowing exactly how to move her body to take advantage of enemies?

SOPHIA
I assume so, but she mostly uses it in her career as a superhero costume designer. She can tell how garments will fit someone’s body with a mere glance.

CAM
I get it. I’ve never used the A-league designers before, because it’s hard to have an effective costume when your body can change shape and size.

SOPHIA
Maybe Spacy Stacy can help you come up with something!

CAM
Yeah, maybe… but unless it’s like a hundred percent spandex, it’s not gonna adjust to my shapeshifting easily. What was Tammy complaining about? Does she hate her new costume?

SOPHIA
No, she loves her costume, but she didn’t like her partner Force’s new costume. She said it made Linus look “too hot” and she was so distracted looking at him in his costume that she wanted to “jump his bones.” Also, she said she wanted his costume to be liquid and stain-resistant. I fear these complaints are related, which disturbs me.

CAM
(laughs) That sounds like a terrible problem to have.

SOPHIA
I’ve been thinking of a costume refresh lately, considering my new powers. When I transformed into Basher, most of my costume was destroyed. Ren took off her cape and covered my body with it after she sang me to sleep.

CAM
Maybe you need some full-body spandex.

SOPHIA
Perhaps! Anything is better than being stranded naked… as I know from working with Smasher for so long. Luckily, his pants were extremely stretchy, so his lower half remained covered. Apparently, before I was his sidekick, he would have to bring his costume and change so he wasn’t fighting villains completely naked.

CAM
I wouldn’t mind seeing what Smasher has to work with.. 

SOPHIA
Cam! You are once again referencing my father’s genitals!

CAM
BLEEP, I keep forgetting. Sorry. I’ve told you I’ve been spacy. Is it possible to have baby-brain without actually having a baby yet?

SOPHIA
I don’t believe so. You are likely experiencing the effects of stress.

CAM
That’s true. Okay, I should probably get ready for my meeting with Doc Healy. I need to change into a shirt that isn’t soaked in breast milk. Ah, what a weird porn thing to say.

SOPHIA
That would be advisable… unless you’re starting an OnlyHeroes account! It was nice to see you, Cam. Congratulations on becoming an impromptu parent! I’ll check in soon.

CAM
Thanks, Sophia. I’ll text if I need anything. Good luck finding your sister!

SOPHIA
Good luck producing milk!

CAM
Ha! Thanks!

SOUND: FADE IN END OF EPISODE MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, and MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, editing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!