Episode 33 – Stakeout

An old friend returns to help stakeout the Christmas Gang.

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Transcript

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles:
Tammy and Linus have formed the superhero duo Pitchforce. Between working and living together, they’re hardly ever apart. Right now, we’re joining these lovebirds on a stakeout. You probably deduced that from the title of the episode, which is… Stakeout. The writer likes super basic titles, apparently. Pathetic! Let’s begin!

MAT
Hey, MacGuffin, I heard that! Don’t be a little BLEEP. Oh, umm, I mean… Episode 33: Stakeout. Warning, this episode contains gun violence.

LINUS
I don’t know why you chewed out Spacy Stacy like that. She was just doing her job.

TAMMY
Her job’s to design and create our costumes, not create a walking billboard for sex.

LINUS
You’re insane. I asked for something flexible that would give me more movement. It doesn’t make sense for my supersuit to have more armor and protection than it needs. My forcefields take care of that.

TAMMY
Yeah, but without the padding, it’s more like a glorified bodysuit.

LINUS
I think it looks more like one of those spandex outfits that people wear during triathlons.

TAMMY
It doesn’t matter, I just can’t stand seeing every curve of your body under the fabric. You know, when we were walking to the car, I didn’t see any underwear lines.

LINUS
You were checking out my butt?

TAMMY
Obviously.

LINUS
I don’t have any visible lines because I’m wearing a custom jockstrap thing with bulletproof lining.

TAMMY
You’re not worried about the rest of your body being protected, but you asked for a kevlar cup?

LINUS
Hey, I can survive without an arm or a leg, but that thing's one of a kind.

TAMMY
Well, you don’t have to twist my arm. But seriously, I literally can’t stop looking at you. The lines on this new design accentuate your muscles, and I just want to use my tongue to trace those lines–

ID
Stop it! I’m sitting right here!

LINUS
Oh, sorry ID. You’ve been so quiet, I kinda forgot you were back there.

ID
We’re in MY car.

LINUS
All I can see back there is your creepy driver decoy mannequin staring back at me.

ID
You could’ve just put Ansel in the trunk.

TAMMY
I love that you named your driving dummy sex toy thing.

ID
He’s here so people don’t think the car is driving itself. And he’s not for sex!

LINUS
He looks like a sex doll to me. If you wanted, could you have sex with him?

ID
No. There aren’t any holes.

LINUS
Hey, that means you’ve thought about it.

ID
No it doesn’t!

TAMMY
ID, you like guys. Does Linus’s new costume make him look extra BLEEPable?

ID
I don’t know, when does he not look BLEEPable?

TAMMY
Hey! Watch it!

ID
Hey, you asked.

LINUS
Damn, dude, I think you just gave me a chubby.

TAMMY
Hey, I can see it!

ID
Kill me.

TAMMY
Hey, you volunteered to come help with this stakeout.

ID
I meant, like, outside the car, where no one can see me, not stuck in the back seat while you two tread the oddly fine line between bickering and mounting each other.

TAMMY
But you agree that Spacy Stacy’s sexy supersuit design is seductively spicy, right?

ID
Wow, that was alliterative. Tammy, have you seen any comic books from the 90’s? The 90’s are in right now, especially in superhero fashion. Everything’s bright colors, skin-tight, and sex appeal.

TAMMY
I preferred the super-fashions in the early aughts. Remember when the A-league had everyone wearing nearly identical black body armor suits? Those were the days.

LINUS
Does it matter that I like my costume?

TAMMY
In theory, that would matter, but I’m honestly having trouble focusing on this stakeout with you wearing that.

ID
I think you’re just jealous that other people might see him and want him and try to seduce him away from you. Maybe someone’ll see him on TV and start writing Security Blanket fanfiction, shipping him with other heroes.

LINUS
Remember, try to call me Force, not Security Blanket.

TAMMY
Okay, ID, who would you ship “Force” here with? Phaser?

ID
Hey... don’t be mean.

TAMMY
Phaser’s gorgeous, after all…  But wait, it’d be more fun to ship him with his twinky little sidekick, Buck. Unless they’re already screwing anyway. What do you think?

ID
Are you done? You just love twisting the knife, don’t you?

TAMMY
Max is a wreck because of you. I’m allowed to be angry.

LINUS
Babe, you are allowed to be angry, but don’t be spiteful. It’s not a good look.

ID
I didn’t do anything wrong! Maybe my communication skills were… lacking, but it’s hard to be invisible. Spying and eavesdropping are pretty much my status quo. What am I supposed to do, yell loudly whenever I enter a room, “Hellooooo! I’m invisible!” It’s not realistic.

TAMMY
You spied on Max and didn’t tell him about it. That sounds wrong to me.

ID
Fine, I was paranoid. This is my first relationship, like ever, and Max is getting so much attention and positive reinforcement from Phaser, it’s making me really insecure.

TAMMY
Maybe you should’ve just told Max that.

ID
Well I can’t go back in time, so I guess it doesn’t matter now.

LINUS
Can I interject?

TAMMY
Why? We’re talking about my brother.

LINUS
Well, I live with him, too, and he’s kind of my best friend lately, soooo maybe I have an opinion that might be useful?

TAMMY
I’m sorry, what did you say? I saw your pecs flex a little when you said that and I forgot what day it is. Mmm.

LINUS
I’m just a piece of meat to you, aren’t I?

TAMMY
When you’re wearing that costume? Yep.

ID
This was a mistake. Or, would it be a… mis-stake-out?

TAMMY
Wow.

ID
Huh, I thought my dad joking would’ve stopped when I started spiraling into depression, but nope! I still got it!

LINUS
You just need to give Max some space, dude, and maybe you should spend some time reflecting on why you did what you did. If it makes you feel better, he’s miserable without you right now.

ID
(sigh) I don’t want him to be sad.

LINUS
Right now, he’s not happy with you, but he’s also not happy without you, so you still have a chance.

TAMMY
Sorry to interrupt your sage advice, but it looks like my informant’s here.

ID
I’m gonna get closer to that building while you chat with the informant.

TAMMY
You just want to get out of the car to avoid getting sat on, don’t you?

ID
That’s part of it, too. Also, I don’t want to talk about Max anymore. Byeeee!

LINUS
Thanks, ID.

NICK
Hey, did your door just open on its own for me?

TAMMY
Don’t worry about it. Get in and close the door.

NICK
Okay, sorry. The circumstance blows, but it’s great to see you, Pitch!

TAMMY
Agreed. It’s nice to see you too, Crampus.

LINUS
Hey, man, I’m Force. Your name’s Crampus? Like the demon guy who scares naughty kids at Christmas time?

NICK
Yeah, but it’s Crampus with a C, not a K. It used to be a bad nickname for me, but… I’ve embraced it as my new sidekick alias. You can call me Nick, too. If you want.

LINUS
Nice to meet you.

NICK
Before we get started, can I ask why there’s a sex doll?

TAMMY
It’s a dummy driver, not a sex toy.

LINUS
Anything can be a sex toy if you try hard enough.

TAMMY
This is the truth!

NICK
A dummy driver? Oh, like so you can use the carpool lane by yourself?

TAMMY
Yeah, let’s just go with that.

LINUS
Nick, you said you were sidekicking? Who were you paired with?

NICK
I’m working with Lucid Lucy. When I use my powers near her and the people she’s dreamwalking, it makes the process go smoother.

TAMMY
How does giving them cramps help her investigate people’s dreams?

LINUS
Oh! Crampus. Cramps. I get it now.

NICK
I can affect people’s muscles, make them tighter or cramp up, or I can relieve tension and relax people. It used to only work when I was emotional, but I’ve been training a lot.

TAMMY
That’s great!

LINUS
So, Nick, how do you and Pitch know each other?

TAMMY
The Christmas before you moved in with us, we helped him find something that his mother left behind for him after she died. Oh, and he stayed with us for a couple days.

NICK
Well, Pitch didn’t help, she was mostly drunk or sleeping the whole time, but Max, Sophia, and Ren helped me out.

LINUS
What did they help you find?

NICK
It was a massive diamond. It ended up being worth way more than we expected, and now I’m kinda loaded. It doesn't make up for losing my mom, but at least I’m not homeless anymore.

LINUS
Dang, wow, that sounds like a special holiday episode.

TAMMY
You could say that.

NICK
Okay, so about the case you’re working. Force, my step-father, Nutcracker, runs the Christmas gang, and this is the address I sent to Pitch. I’ve been keeping tabs on him and my evil step-sisters, and it sounds like this warehouse is due to receive a shipment any minute now.

TAMMY
And you’re sure they’re working for the cartel?

NICK
Yeah. They used to deal in blood diamonds, but they recently made the switch to… drugs?. They’ve been hiding heroin inside nativity sets and distributing them that way.

LINUS
Did you say they hide drugs in Nativity sets? Jesus Christ!

NICK
Exactly! How did you know?

LINUS
Know what?

NICK
They hide them inside of the baby Je– What’s the plural of Jesus? Jesi? Jesuses? They hide them in the Jesuses.

TAMMY
Why wouldn’t they hide them in the Wise Men? Or Mary, or a donkey, or something?

NICK
I think hiding them in Mary would be a little sacreligious.

TAMMY
But stuffing heroin up inside baby Jesus is okay?

LINUS
Let’s not focus on why the drugs are there, just that they are, okay?

TAMMY
Fine. I’m not religious, so I could give two BLEEPs.

NICK
(sigh) I don’t even know what I believe in anymore, but my mom loved Christmas, and until she died, she did everything she could to protect me from Nutcracker. She would want me to balance the scales and make sure he gets his just desserts.

TAMMY
Do you mean literal Christmas-themed desserts, or prison time?

LINUS
I’m not sure which is worse. On one hand, you have fruit cake, on the other, you have the opportunity to get shivved. I might take my chances with a shiv.

NICK
You must’ve had some really bad fruit cake to think that.

LINUS
Au contraire, my dear Crampus. My father used to fly in a different world renowned pastry chef each year, so I’ve had to gag down some top notch fruit cake in my life. I would still choose a shiv almost every day.

TAMMY
Okay, we get it, you don’t like dried fruit in baked goods.

LINUS
Hey, I like oatmeal raisin cookies!

TAMMY
Ew! We’re breaking up. I can not support cookies with raisins.

LINUS
Whatever. (beat) Okay, so someone is delivering the nativity sets here and you think Nutcracker and the rest of the gang will be arriving to— what? Pick them up?

NICK
I think so.

LINUS
What are we getting ourselves into? I mean, what are their powers? I’m hoping my force fields will be enough for defense.

TAMMY
Leaving me for the offense!

LINUS
Yeah, babe.

NICK
It’ll probably just be Nutcracker and my step-sisters, Garland and Eggnog. One of their old friends, Missile-toe, was the really dangerous one, but Pitch took care of her and Gingerbread a couple years ago.

TAMMY
Yeah, babe, I think I told you already. Missile-toe literally has tiny missiles for toes.

LINUS
Oh, right, that sounds vaguely familiar. You honestly talk about so many henchpeople, they all blur together.

TAMMY
It’s not my fault Rose City is overrun with henchies.

NICK
I don’t think you have much to worry about with my step-family. My mom and I were the only ones with powers. With my mom being Christmas Carol, they kind of latched onto the Christmas schtick and ran with it.

LINUS
Well, that’s kind of a relief. Why did they pick their names?

NICK
Nutcracker used to be a ballet dancer before an injury ruined his career and sent him down a dark path, and Eggnog has a big head that looks like an egg. One time I called her Egg-noggin and she broke my nose.

LINUS
Oh, geez.

TAMMY
What about Garland? Does she use whips made of leaves and vines or something?

NICK
No, but that would be cooler. Garland is a wannabe Judy Garland impersonator.

LINUS
Yeah, I’m feeling like my force fields should be more than adequate.

NICK
They might not have powers, but they’re smart, and have guns. Like, a ton of guns.

LINUS
Meh, I can handle bullets no problem.

TAMMY
So, what, we just wait now?

NICK
Pretty much. So... Are you two a couple?

TAMMY
Does it matter?

NICK
Just making conversation, geez.

LINUS
Don’t be rude, babe. Yeah, Nick, we’re a couple. If you must know, we are currently co-habitating.

NICK
Oh, cool. Does that mean you don’t live with Max anymore?

TAMMY
Uh, no, he’s still there, too. “Force” here moved in all of a sudden last year and then Max lost his job and grew antlers. It was a whole thing.

LINUS
We were actually about to tell Max that we were thinking of moving in together, but––

TAMMY
Hey, that’s private!

LINUS
Geez, sorry.

NICK
I can keep a secret!

TAMMY
Actually, you might make a good sounding board for this. Okay, so we want to move to a new place, away from Max, but–

LINUS
But we were hoping his boyfriend was going to move in with him, because Max doesn’t do well on his own.

TAMMY
But then they had a big fight and broke up, and we didn’t get a chance to tell him yet, and now we don’t know if we even should, and the timing is–

LINUS
And it sucks because ID is trying to be helpful–

NICK
Wait, what ID?

LINUS
Oh, sorry. Max was dating Invisidude.

NICK
Ah.

TAMMY
He’s outside the car right now, but I’m not exactly sure where.

NICK
He’s here, like, now now?

TAMMY
Yeah, he wanted to help out.

NICK
Is that how you opened the car door for me?

TAMMY
Yeah, he stepped out before you stepped in.

NICK
Are you all in relationships with coworkers? Are there like union rules or a superhero human resources who handles that kind of stuff?

LINUS
Technically, yes, but no one ever tells them anything.

NICK
So, did Max and Invisidude break up for good, or did they just hit a rough patch?

TAMMY / LINUS
They totally broke up / They hit a rough patch

TAMMY/LINUS
(unison) You don’t know that!

NICK
Oh. Wow. Are you hoping they make up before you move out?

LINUS
Yeah, but we don’t want to overwhelm Max. He keeps saying he could move back in with his parents, but I know he doesn’t actually want that. I would help him try to find a place, or a roommate, but with all the drama going on with my family in the tabloids, I’m trying to keep a low profile.

NICK
You’re in the tabloids? Are you famous or something when you’re out of costume?

LINUS
I’ve said too much. Let’s change the subject!

NICK
A few heroes, like Recall, live at headquarters. Why can’t Max do that?

TAMMY
They only have so many spots available, and it’s kind of based on seniority.

LINUS
I know how much he likes our apartment, too. It’s taken him a long time to get used to navigating with his antlers, but he finally has a system. The open floor plan helps.

NICK
I... feel like you should talk to Max about this.

TAMMY
You’re no help.

LINUS
Hey, a truck’s pulling up. Get down! Nick, is that your family?

NICK
I think that’s the delivery truck with the nativity sets!

TAMMY
I see another set of headlights. Is that a minivan?

NICK
Yeah! That’s Nutcracker’s van.

TAMMY
Okay, Nick, you stay in the car. Security Blanket and I–

LINUS
Force, not Security Blanket.

TAMMY
Stop trying to force Force!

LINUS
Blankets are not intimidating to bad guys!

TAMMY
And neither are you! It’s perfect!

NICK
Hey, get back on track. I can see them getting out of the van, now. It’s definitely them.

LINUS
Right. Sorry. I agree with Pitch. Crampus, you stay in here and we’ll go take them down. I’ll draw their attention and put up a forcefield to protect us from any shots fired, while Pitch puts them off balance with her powers.

NICK
Off balance?

TAMMY
I can burst their eardrums, and sometimes that causes vertigo.

NICK
Maybe I should get out of the car…

TAMMY
Hey, the delivery guy is opening the back of the truck. Now’s our chance!

LINUS
Wait, do you think the delivery guy is in on it? Or is he just a middleman?

TAMMY
Does it matter?

LINUS
Well, if you’re gonna burst his eardrums, it would be helpful to know if he deserves it.

TAMMY
BLEEP, you’re right.

LINUS
Maybe I can put up a forcefield around him if I get close enough to protect him. Just in case?

TAMMY
Fine, but we need to hurry. I don’t want to mess this–

SOUND: MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS FIRED

NICK
Oh my god! Who the BLEEP are they shooting at?

LINUS
I don’t know, but they’re dropping like flies.

SOUND: ONE LAST GUNSHOT.

TAMMY
They’re all unconscious now. Or are they dead? What’s going on?

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENING

ID
Hey, Pitchforce, what the heck were you waiting for?

LINUS
ID! Did you just do that?

ID
Yeah, I snuck up and put the guy with the truck in a sleeper hold, then the bigger guy got paranoid and pulled his gun.

LINUS
Are you okay?

ID
Oh, yeah, I’m fine! I punched who I’m assuming is Nutcracker in the face, and then the sisters tried shooting at me, but they almost hit their dad, so I shot them with tranquilizers.

TAMMY
You carry tranques? Seriously?

ID
Of course! They come in handy. Oh, and, so, Nutcracker tried shooting me again, but I tranquilized him too. That was fun! I didn’t realize how much I needed some good crime fighting to distract me from the whole Max of it all.

TAMMY
Seriously? I was really looking forward to kicking Nutcracker in the nuts. I had a whole line planned and everything.

LINUS
What were you thinking, something like “Now who’s the nutcracker, BLEEP?”

TAMMY
Yes! Aww, you know me so well.

LINUS
I love how predictable you are.

TAMMY
I love how you look in that costume.

NICK
Hey, Invisidude, I’m Crampus. Should I call the police or something?

ID
Nope! I already notified the authorities and they’re on their way. Do you need to get out of here before they arrive? Being an informant, and all.

NICK
I AM a sidekick like you now, so I don’t know why Pitch is calling me an informant. Nutcracker’s my step-father, and a massive jerk, so I wanted to make sure he gets his just desserts.

ID
Literal or figurative desserts? Do you mean like Christmas-themed desserts, or like, revenge?

LINUS
ID, we already made this joke.

ID
Ah, Darn it. I was gonna throw out something about figgy pudding!

TAMMY
I guess I beat you to it, Invisi-BLEEP.

ID
That was uncalled for.

TAMMY
Sorry, I just really wanted to do the nut line.

NICK
This was really anticlimactic, but I’m glad no one got hurt!

LINUS
Me too.

TAMMY
Hey, we saved the day, put away the bad guys, and busted a drug ring without even having to leave the car!

ID
I mean, I literally did all the work while you were, I assume, bickering in the car about something, but yeah, sure, take all the credit.

TAMMY
Great! I will! Now, ID, Crampus, could you guys go make sure everyone’s hands and feet are restrained in case they wake up early?

ID
Yeah, sure. What are you and Linus going to do?

TAMMY
Oh, we’re gonna BLEEP. I think the only way to stop staring at this costume is to rip it off.

LINUS
Hey, you heard the woman. Get out!

ID
Seriously? This is MY car!

TAMMY
I don’t care! Close the door!

NICK
Are they always like this?

ID
Yeah, it’s kinda gross. Make sure to put up a soundproof forcefield, and make it invisible, too! No one should have to see or hear what you’re about to do.

LINUS
Thanks, bro! Good work today!

ID
If there are any stains, I’m gonna have to burn this whole thing!

LINUS
Don’t worry, dude!

TAMMY
Less talking and more disrobing.

SOUND: CAR DOOR CLOSING
SOUND: FORCE FIELD SWOOSH

NICK
Oh, wow, that is definitely an invisible forcefield. I did NOT know he could do that. Sooo, those two are very horny.

ID
Yeah, it never ends.

NICK
I can see why they want to get their own place.

ID
What? They’re moving?

NICK
Ah crap, that was a secret. I didn’t tell you that!

ID
Does Max know?

NICK
Umm, I shouldn’t say.

ID
Please! I just knocked out 4 people in like 10 seconds. The least I deserve is a little intel on my boyfriend.

NICK
Uhh, well, I don’t know that you’re still boyfriends.

ID
No, we’re just in a fight. I think. Wait, did they say we broke up? Is that what Max is saying?

NICK
It’s not my place, and honestly, I have no idea.

ID
What about the moving thing?

NICK
I think they were waiting to see if you would move in with Max, but then, uhh, you know. I think they’re delaying it for a while until the dust settles.

ID
Great, one more thing to blame me for.

NICK
Invisidude, thank you for all your help today. I’ll sleep easy knowing the Christmas gang is finally locked away for good.

ID
Yeah, it looks like Christmas came early this year!

NICK
(laughs) Yeah, you could say that.

SOUND: POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING

ID
Hey, the authorities have arrived!

NICK
That was fast.

ID
Hey, how did you get here today? Could you give me a ride home? We carpooled, and I don’t think I’m gonna want to get back into my car until it’s been thoroughly disinfected.

NICK
Ew, yeah, no problem. I’m Crampus, by the way.

ID
Call me ID. It’s nice to meet you!

NICK
I’d shake your hand, but... I have no idea where it is.

ID
Yeah, I get that a lot. (sigh) Alright, let’s go send these jerks to prison.

NICK
Yes, please!

SOUND: FADE IN MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, ID is voiced by Nick B, MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo, and Crampus is voiced by Gwen Brown. If you never listened to the Second Fiddles Standalone Holiday Special, feel free to check it out to learn more about how the gang first met Crampus. Anyway, writing, editing, and sound design was done by Mat Johnson, with music by Pete Johnson.

Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!