Episode 37 – Falcon Quest

Gale is recruited for a quest.

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Transcript

37 - Falcon Quest

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Max raised a falcon during his years at Rose Academy, and named her Eloise. That’s really all you need for this episode. Let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 37, Falcon Quest.

GALE
Finally, after years of training, Kelli-kopter has been summoned from her tower by the arch-druid and his minstrel companion for the most important journey. No, not a journey, a quest!

MAX
Hey, Ren, does Gale do this sort of thing all the time?

REN
What? Oh, yeah, it’s constant.

MAX
Any idea why?

REN
She was raised by LARPers, remember? She tends to dissociate from reality and pretend she’s living in a fantasy world.

MAX
Sounds nice right about now.

GALE
It is, you should try it!

MAX
Thanks for coming, Gale, I appreciate it.

REN
What am I? A walking pile of trash?

MAX
Hey, I only needed someone who could fly, you didn’t need to come too.

REN
I don’t trust you with Gale, she’s too precious for the world of sidekicks and supervillains.

MAX
Good point.

GALE
Ooo, look! That squirrel just bowed to me. Do you think he’s asking me to dance?

MAX
Gale, leave that squirrel alone, he doesn’t want to dance. He’s just constipated.

GALE
Aww, I wish I had some laxatives for you, little buddy!

MAX
Come in for a huddle, we need to go over the plan.

REN
You actually have a plan?

MAX
Well, the plan was to text you, get Gale’s number, and then beg her to help me.

REN
So the plan’s done? Can we go home?

GALE
Hey, no fair! We can’t end my first quest before it starts.

MAX
It’s not a quest, it’s just… a simple mission.

REN
Stop leaving out the details!

MAX
Sorry. Eloise is missing. Well, not missing, per se, but I haven’t seen or heard from her in over a week. I’m really worried.

GALE
Who’s Eloise again? She’s your pet, right?

REN
No, she’s Max’s feathery kid.

GALE
Oh, wow, I need to call my dad and tell him he’s not the only one with a daughter with feathers anymore!

MAX
She’s not my biological daughter, she’s a Peregrine Falcon. She imprinted on me in college. You probably saw her with me when you were a freshman.

GALE
Oh! Your bird buddy! I remember her. She’s SO pretty.

MAX
Thanks. She really is.

REN
Are you afraid some villain found her or something?

MAX
I don’t know, I just haven’t not seen her this long, in like, well, ever.

REN
Where does she normally live, when she’s not visiting you at your apartment or while you’re working?

MAX
She likes to roost on one of the skyscrapers downtown. The Fulcrum building? Catching pigeons is like her favorite thing to do.

REN
Oh. Skyscraper. Hence, your need for Gale.

MAX
Yup.

GALE
Do you want me to fly up there and see if I can spot her?

MAX
Yeah. Would that be okay?

GALE
Of course! The arch-druid Maximus and his trusty minstrel, Karenia, have bestowed upon Kellikopter: the falcon quest!

MAX
Wait, I’m a druid? And it’s Maxim, not Maximus.

REN
Wait, does this mean I’m the BLEEPing minstrel?

GALE
I would categorize you as a bard, if we were using the proper classes. Your power involves singing, so it makes sense. Bards inspire others with their songs and stories!

REN
How the hell am I inspiring?

GALE
You quit the life of a sidekick to find new ways to help people. You’re super inspiring!

MAX
Hey, your sarcasm and apathy inspire me plenty!

REN
BLEEP you, Maximus.

MAX
Eat me, Karenia.  Wait, why am I a druid?

GALE
You talk to animals and you have antlers. I used to think of you as more of a ranger, but now druid is starting to make more sense.

REN
You’re viewing us all through the lens of D&D again, aren’t you?

GALE
Yup! There are a dozen different classes for playable characters, and it’s fun to think about what we’d all be!

REN
Okay, so I’m a bard. That blows. And Max is a druid?

MAX
Or a ranger.

REN
Or a ranger. (sigh) What about the other Second Fiddlers?

GALE
Well, Tammy would be a fighter, that’s easy.

MAX
You wouldn’t hear any complaints from her about that one.

GALE
Right. And ID and Chameleon would both be rogues.

MAX
Elijah is quite stealthy, and Cam is definitely a trickster.

REN
What about Sophia… and Frankie?

GALE
Sophia would be an intelligence based character, like a wizard, or alchemist, except for when she transforms into Basher, then she’s a barbarian. And I haven’t met Frankie. Who’s that?

MAX
Frankie is… Retcon, Sophia’s sister. You’ll probably meet her eventually. Or not. I dunno.

REN
Yeah, they’re currently trying to spend some time together to work on their sisterly bond.

MAX
Speaking of sisterly bonds, how’s Cassie doing? When am I ever gonna actually meet her?

REN
Not yet! I’m protecting her like I should be protecting Gale from your sidekick nonsense.

MAX
Lame. Hey, what about Linus? What class is he?

GALE
I think of Linus as a Paladin, riding in on a white horse with his forcefield suit of armor to save the day.

REN
Linus is not a knight in shining armor. You need to reevaluate.

MAX
Yeah, the only thing he’s riding in on is Tammy.

REN
Eww, don’t talk about your sister that way.

MAX
You know by now that the weird sibling line has been crossed so many times, it’s not even worth trying anymore.

REN
That’s true. You’re both the masters of TMI.

MAX
Gale, you’ve classified everyone else, Gale, but what about you? What box are you putting yourself into?

GALE
Well, the current character I play is a druid.

MAX
Aww, like me!

REN
Creepily so, actually. She was telling me earlier that she wears fake elk antlers and everything.

MAX
Wait, is your character ME? Hmm. Is your character male or female? Or nonbinary?

GALE
Does it matter?

MAX
Let me put it this way: Does your character have cariboobs or a mooseknuckle?

REN
Oh god, not puns. Anything but puns!

MAX
Hey, puns fuel me through my depression, okay?

GALE
My character isn’t exactly like you, Max. She’s a half-elf! Her name is Elka Snakewood.

MAX
Oh, that sounds pretty cool.

GALE
Even though I’m playing as a druid, I think I would be… a sorcerer.

MAX
I mean, you’re already like a super cool wind sorceress in real life, so that tracks.

GALE
Aww, thanks, Max! You’re the best!

MAX
Nehh, I do what I can. So, now that you’re all buttered up, could you go look around the top of Fulcrum tower for me? Just tell me if you find Eloise?

GALE
Sure! It shouldn’t take too long. I’ll be back in a jiffy!

MAX
You’re the best!

GALE
Bye!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE.

REN
I can’t believe you haven’t attached some kind of tracking sensor bracelet thing on Eloise over the years.

MAX
I haven’t needed to, she’s always been so reliable!

REN
Do falcons have any natural predators?

MAX
I mean, yeah, big owls or eagles can prey on falcons, but there aren’t too many of those in the city. The biggest threats to Eloise are probably humans.

REN
Huh. How long do falcons normally live for?

MAX
Like 15, I’d say, if they’re healthy and lucky.

REN
And how old is Eloise?

MAX
She’s, uh, 7. She’s 7.

REN
Oh, okay.

MAX
I kind of have an idea about what she might be doing, but I’ve been afraid to say it outloud.

REN
You think she’s dead? A feathered bird kabab? A dirty pile of bird bone roadkill?

MAX
Oh my BLEEPing god, no, why would you say that?

REN
Oh, sorry, I thought you were having worst case scenario thoughts.

MAX
I was, but within reason!

REN
Fine, fine, fine. What were you thinking?

MAX
Well, there’s been a male peregrine courting her, but she’s really old for that sort of thing. Normally they start mating when they’re like 2 or 3, and I thought because she was imprinted on me that she would never find a mate, but this falcon dude, Theo, he’s really taken a liking to her.

REN
Theo? Is that actually his name?

MAX
No, humans can’t pronounce bird names. I… started calling him Theo Sharpe, after the love interest of Eloise, from the second season of Bridgerton…?

REN
But Bridgerton didn’t start 7 years ago, why did you name her Eloise?

MAX
After my grandma.

REN
Oh, that’s… oddly sweet.

MAX
Yeah.

REN
So, this Theo, how interested is he?

MAX
He was like, full-on courting her. Like, non-stop aerial displays, trying to win her over. It’s the lady’s choice with falcons, so–

REN
As it should be.

MAX
Yeah, and they typically mate for life, which is a really scary thought, so I might have, um…

REN
Max, what did you do?

MAX
I may have, um, used my telepathy to tell Theo to, you know, leave Eloise alone…?

REN
Max! You can’t do that!

MAX
Why not? He’s like a young studmuffin falcon and she’s a slightly older lady. I didn’t want him to lead her on!

REN
You’re full of BLEEP. You didn’t want to lose your bestie, so you got over-protective and shut it down.

MAX
Oh my god, I’m an assBLEEP dad!

REN
Parents can try their best to shelter their kids from the world, but sometimes it’s better to let them fly free– in this case, literally. Dammit, Max, if your daughter wants to go to prom, let her go to prom.

MAX
Okay, I feel like that last bit may not have been about me, but I’ll let that slide.

REN
What does “mate for life” mean, exactly?

MAX
I mean, lots of animals that “mate for life” are about as monogamous as humans.

REN
So, like, not really at all?

MAX
Yeah, when I was interning at the zoo a million years ago, the penguins there were like a little soap opera. They supposedly mate for life too, but they were having affairs, swapping partners, cheating, the whole thing. There were a few stalwart couples that never wavered, so that’s… something.

REN
I don’t really know what stalwart means, but I don’t care. If Eloise has herself a man now, what does that mean?

MAX
Well, she’ll be AWOL during mating season, and, when she’s on eggs, then while they’re raising their chicks, and then she and Theo would take a break and do it all again next year. In theory.

REN
So between mating seasons, she’ll still probably come back to you and hang out and stuff like old times, right?

MAX
I don’t know. I hope so.

REN
Max… Can I get real with you?

MAX
You always are, so I don’t know why you’re asking.

REN
Good point. I think, maybe, that you’re afraid of being alone.

MAX
Well, that’s not a secret. I’m very clingy.

REN
Does this have to do with your anxiety?

MAX
I’m always struggling with my anxiety, but this is something… bigger. Darker.

REN
You joked earlier that puns help with your depression. Is that what’s happening? Depression?

MAX
That was just a joke.  I think.

REN
Are you thinking about Elijah?

MAX
Yeah. I mean, it’s not just him. First Tammy met Linus, then you left the group, and now, like you said, I don’t have Elijah anymore. So, Eloise is my one constant. I don’t want to lose her.

REN
First of all, I’m still part of your life even though I’m not a sidekick anymore, so don’t you dare try to guilt me into feeling bad. Same goes for Tammy. Just because she found a partner doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love you. I mean, you still live together!

MAX
I think she and Linus are planning on moving out, but they’re afraid to tell me about it. I’m not THAT fragile, they can trust me!

REN
Max, your eyes are glowing.

MAX
Sorry, I just need to focus on my breathing, that, that tends to help.

REN
While you’re breathing and whatever, just listen: Max. You’re an idiot. You’re smart, but you’re an idiot. Elijah loves you. Tammy loves you. Your parents love you. Sophia loves you. Toolbag Linus loves you. I love you. Even Gale loves you, which is probably only slightly concerning– like you won’t need a restraining order or anything, but don’t let her go through your underwear drawer, if you know what I mean-

MAX
Your point?

REN
Don’t take any of us for granted. Your eyes stopped glowing, by the way.

MAX
Thanks. And I don’t take any of you for granted, I’m just…

REN
Afraid of being alone?

MAX
Yes. Don’t you dare say “I told you so.”

REN
Hey, you just said it for me.

MAX
There’s something else that’s been bothering me.

REN
What?

MAX
The Stag. I don’t feel… worthy of him. Of his memory.  Like, what did I do to deserve the powers that he bestowed upon me? If Sally Mander and MacGuffin are right, I’m supposed to be responsible for saving the world, but they’re literally planning on me being so inept that I fail. That’s a lot of pressure.

REN
That does blow, I’m not gonna lie.

MAX
Thanks for the pep talk?

REN
But like I said before, you’re not alone. You have so many people – super-powered people, may I add – that love and support you and will do their best to help you when the time comes. So the fate of the world doesn’t rest solely on your bony shoulders and antlers. We can take some of the weight, too.

MAX
Eww, I don’t like it when you’re so… serious.

REN
Deal with it.

SFX: DOOR OPENS

GALE
I found her! I found Eloise!

MAX
Is she okay?

REN
Is she alive?

GALE
Yeah, she’s fine! Actually, she’s better than fine!

MAX
Where is she?

GALE
She was on a sort of ledge on the south-facing side of the building, right below roof level. And she… wasn’t alone.

MAX
BLEEPing Theo Sharpe! I swear to god, if he hurts my little girl, I’m gonna kill him.

GALE
Who’s Theo?

REN
Theo’s the boy falcon who’s been wooing Eloise.

GALE
Oh, no, he wasn’t there. I mean, he was, because that explains the other falcon that  screamed at me, but no, that’s not what I meant.

MAX
If it wasn’t Theo, then who was with her?

GALE
She laid eggs! That’s why she hasn’t been around lately!

MAX
Oh my god.

REN
You hear that? You’re gonna be a falcon grandaddy!

MAX
I’m gonna be a grandpa!

GALE
This is so exciting!

MAX
So she was in her scrape, just sitting on some eggs and looking cute?

GALE?
What’s a scrape?

MAX
Oh, sorry, a scrape is what you call the area where a falcon like Eloise nests. Peregrines don’t really build formal nests or anything.

GALE
Yeah, she was just chilling, keeping her little future babies warm and snuggly.

MAX
(sigh) Well, I guess I don’t need to worry anymore.

REN
Don’t believe him. He’s totally gonna keep worrying.

MAX
I am, but at least I know Eloise isn’t lost or dead or anything.

GALE
I’m happy I could help!

MAX
Thank you, Gale. Seriously, I owe you.

REN
Ooh, don’t tell her that, she’ll make you LARP with her!

MAX
That’s fine, I don’t mind some roleplay every now and then.

REN
Ew, why does it feel like you’re talking about invisible sex when you say that?

MAX
Shush, that’s private.

GALE
Hey, I would never force anyone to LARP that doesn’t want to. It wouldn’t be as fun if they weren’t into it.

REN
And that’s why I will always refuse, I like you too much to spoil your fun!

GALE
Aww, thanks!

MAX
Ren, this is gonna sound weird, but could you do me a favor before you leave?

REN
I’m not in an 80’s fantasy movie kind of mood right now.

MAX
No, not that – and how dare you!– No, I was wondering if… if you could sing me to sleep? I haven’t slept well in days, thinking about Eloise, and now I’m too revved up to try, but I’ve been, like, shaking all day, so I–

REN
Of course, you don’t need to come up with any reasons. I got your back. Do you want me to do that right now?

MAX
Yeah, if that’s okay with you.

REN
Sure. Gale, you okay to wait around for a little while?

GALE
Actually, I’m gonna go flying again, if you don’t mind. I wanted to swing by Fulcrum tower again to see if Theo’s joined Eloise in the, umm, scrape… thing.

MAX
Sure! Just don’t get too close, they’ll be territorial.

GALE
No problem! Enjoy your slumber, Maximus! I’ll see you later, Karenia!

REN
I’m not a bard!

GALE
Mmhmm, whatever you say!

MAX
(laughs) Bye, Gale.

GALE
Kellikopter, to the skies!

SFX: TRANSITION STINGER

ATMOSPHERE: OUTSIDE, WINDY

GALE
Aww, there you are, Theo! I see why she likes you, you’re very handsome.

WALLCRAWLER
Do you always talk to yourself when you’re flying?

GALE
What? Who are you?

WALLCRAWLER
Come down here!

GALE
Why are you on top of a building?

WALLCRAWLER
What? Come closer!

GALE
Hold on!

SFX: WIND DIES DOWN

WALLCRAWLER
Thanks for joining me. I’m normally alone up here!

GALE
Are you supposed to be up here?

WALLCRAWLER
No. Are you?

GALE
No one owns the sky.

WALLCRAWLER
Not yet, anyway.

GALE
Do you… do you work here?

WALLCRAWLER
No. I was… taking a walk.

GALE
On the top of a skyscraper?

WALLCRAWLER
Hey, everyone needs a hobby.

GALE
Are you a free climber or… something?

WALLCRAWLER
Not professionally, no. It’s just something I do.

GALE
Oh! You’re the wallcrawler everyone’s been talking about! The vigilante!

WALLCRAWLER
I don’t know why they say I crawl on walls, that makes zero sense. Wall walker, sure, or climber, but not crawler. I’m not a gravity defying baby. The press never gets anything right.

GALE
Wow. Walking up and down walls must require a ton of core strength!

WALLCRAWLER
Yeah, you should see my abs.

GALE
Oh, geez.

WALLCRAWLER
Is there a reason you were flying around this particular building?

GALE
Yeah, I was checking on… a friend. Well, a bird. I mean, a friend’s bird.

WALLCRAWLER
Were you keeping an eye on Eloise?

GALE
Eloise? Who’s that?

WALLCRAWLER
You’re a bad liar. I heard you shouting earlier. What did you call the other one, Leo?

GALE
No, he’s Theo. (fake lying again) Um, I mean, he looks like a Theo. Maybe. I don’t know. How would I know what a wild bird’s name is?

WALLCRAWLER
You know, someone once told me that humans can’t pronounce bird names.

GALE
Are you… are you spying on Buck? Keeping tabs on Eloise?

WALLCRAWLER
Oh, no, no. Nothing nefarious. I just like to know what’s going on in Rose City, and there’s a lot of buzz about Buck and his new powers. Some people want to know how he got them, and if they can get new powers, too.

GALE
Good people or bad people?

WALLCRAWLER
No one’s ever only good or bad, Kellikopter.

GALE
Hey, you know my name!

WALLCRAWLER
Like I said, I like to know what’s going on in my city.

GALE
I don’t agree with you, ya know. Some people are just good, like me! Well, I’m neutral-good.

WALLCRAWLER
Ah, well, in that case, you can consider me… chaotic good.

GALE
Who are you? I mean, what’s your superhero name?

WALLCRAWLER
I… haven’t picked one yet.

GALE
Then I’ll call you… Jack!

WALLCRAWLER
What? Why?

GALE
Like a Jack in the Box! Because you scared me when I saw you up here. And Jack in the Boxes are scary! Especially when they’re clowns.

WALLCRAWLER
Ugh, please don’t. I just beat up a henchman last week who goes by the name Jack in the Box.

GALE
Oh, does he have any powers?

WALLCRAWLER
No, but he liked to jack into a— uhh, you know what, you seem too innocent for this pun, so I’ll just let you fill in the blanks.

GALE
Oh, okay… So, I won’t call you Jack. Well, it was nice to meet you, whoever you are! I gotta get going now.

WALLCRAWLER
Wait, here, I have something for you.

GALE
What is this? A card?

WALLCRAWLER
It’s my contact information. If you, or Buck, or any of your friends ever need help, just call or text this number, drop a pin for your location, and I’ll be there.

GALE
Really?

WALLCRAWLER
Really.

GALE
No strings?

WALLCRAWLER
No strings.

GALE
You’re not laying a trap?

WALLCRAWLER
I’m not laying a trap.

GALE
Are you sure?

WALLCRAWLER
I’m… not going to keep repeating everything you say.

GALE
Ooookay, then. Thanks. I’ll see you around, wallcrawler!

SFX: WIND FADE IN

WALLCRAWLER
I don’t crawl!

GALE
Sorry!

WALLCRAWLER
Hey, I like your tail!

GALE
Thanks!

SFX: WIND DIES DOWN
SFX: FADE IN MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, MAX is voiced by Mat Johnson, GALE is voiced by Betsy Harris, REN is voiced by Kristy Barkan, the WALLCRAWLER is voiced by Greg Maddock, and MACGUFFIN is voiced by John Pupo. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson. Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!

WALLCRAWLER
Wall walker, sure, or climber, but not crawler. I’m not a gravity defying baby. The press never gets anything right!