Episode 40 – Wake

Linus and Tammy go to a wake.

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Transcript

40 - Wake

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles:
I can’t do this. Let’s… let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 40: Wake. If funerals or wakes are a trigger for you, then this is your official content warning.

TAMMY
If I make a joke about how you can’t spell the word funeral with F-U-N, would that be distasteful?

LINUS
Sally would’ve said something like that herself, so I’ll let it slide.

TAMMY
Was she a funeral crasher?

LINUS
Well, sometimes she would go to the funerals of her victims and try to burn their families alive, too.

TAMMY
Your family dynamic is so messed up.

LINUS
Tell me about it.

TAMMY
I’ve never actually been to a funeral before. My grandparents are somehow all still alive, so I’ve yet to have the pleasure.

LINUS
Technically, this is a wake. We’re not doing a funeral service.

TAMMY
Oh. How are you paying for this?

LINUS
I’m not. Dad is. Even though the government froze his assets, or seized his assets, or whatever they did, he had enough money tucked away to cover the costs.

TAMMY
Is he… gonna be here?

LINUS
No. He’s going to join via video chat in a few minutes. He can’t risk being caught.

TAMMY
I figured. Have you talked to him much?

LINUS
A couple times, just to make all the arrangements.

TAMMY
How’s he doing?

LINUS
He said he knew Sally’s death was a possibility if she didn’t kill Ren’s sister, but he really thought she’d pull it off.

TAMMY
I guess his precognition isn’t fool-proof.

LINUS
He typically sees what’s most likely to happen, but yeah, it’s not always a given. Fate’s a BLEEP.

TAMMY
I don’t know if I believe in fate. How can I? Even something great, like meeting you, was orchestrated by your dad.

LINUS
Not just Dad, my uncle played a part in it, too.

TAMMY
Oh, right. Is Fourth Wall coming? Are you even in contact with him?

LINUS
No, I haven’t actually seen him in person since I was like seven. He wants nothing to do with our side of the family.

TAMMY
That sucks. Aren’t twins supposed to have some sort of unbreakable bond?

LINUS
(sigh) They’ve always been the opposite sides of the same coin. Knowledge can be power, but power also corrupts. My uncle obviously isn’t, like, super evil, but there’s no way I would trust him.

TAMMY
I don’t know. ID says that being Fourth Wall’s sidekick is really confusing sometimes.

LINUS
Sounds about right.

TAMMY
Not to be rude, but this place is empty. If the rest of your family isn’t coming, is it just the two of us?

LINUS
Well, umm, I know we got here early, but I kinda… put a forcefield up around the place so no one else could get in.

TAMMY
Umm… why?

LINUS
To keep out the reporters and paparazzi. There’s no way they’re going to ruin this for me.

TAMMY
Huh. What if any of Sally’s friends wanted to come?

LINUS
You know as well as I do that she didn’t have any friends.

TAMMY
That’s kind of sad. I almost feel bad for her. I mean, other than the whole being dead thing.

LINUS
You really have a magical way of being super offensive without actually trying. You know, there’s something different about you today, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

TAMMY
You could put your finger IN it.

LINUS
Oh, wow, babe, really?

TAMMY
What?

LINUS
Only ONE finger?

TAMMY
This is why I love you.

LINUS
Ditto. But seriously, what’s different about you?

TAMMY
I’m wearing a BLEEPing dress, Linus.

LINUS
Oh my god, this the first time you’ve worn a dress?

TAMMY
Not in my life, but with you, yes.

LINUS
Oh, right. How did I just notice this?

TAMMY
When we were getting ready this morning, I made at least three strong hints about how wearing a dress allows for easier access if grief makes you horny, but you were checked out.

LINUS
Yeah, I feel like everything I hear is muffled, like I’m having trouble focusing on words. Or, at least, the meaning behind the words. I’m… distracted.

TAMMY
You’re burying your sister. Even though she was evil and you kinda hated her, she was still your sister, so you’re allowed to be distracted.

LINUS
We’re not burying her. Ironically, she wanted to be cremated. She loved burning things so much, and her powers couldn’t affect her own body, so, in a way, cremation was her own way of finally being one with fire. That, and her body exploded like a ripe melon when it hit the ground, so it made more sense.

TAMMY
That’s poetic. The cremation stuff, not the melon.

LINUS
Is it Max?

TAMMY
No, it’s ID. He’s actually here, outside. Could you open up a door in the forcefield?

LINUS
Oh, yeah, sure.

ELIJAH
Hey, guys, it’s me.

LINUS
Oh, no, I thought the bouquet of flowers was just randomly floating on its own.

TAMMY
No need to be sassy, geez.

LINUS
I’m very sassy.

ELIJAH
Should I go?

LINUS
Sorry. You brought flowers?

ELIJAH
They’re not from me, they’re from Fourth Wall. He sends his regards, but he’s not coming in case his brother shows up.

LINUS
Well, Dad isn’t coming, so… whatever. Thank you. Is there a note with it?

ELIJAH
Oh, yeah, it should be attached somewhere.

TAMMY
It’s right here.

LINUS
What does it say?

TAMMY
Let’s see… It says: Dearest Nephew, I’m sorry that you are dealing with such a substantial loss. Losing a sibling is a pain I have yet to experience. However, as your father is a being of pure evil, I cannot wait for the day that he bites the big one. It will be a joyous day for us all! Well, maybe not for him. Or for you. My condolences.

LINUS
What the actual BLEEP.

ELIJAH
Sorry. I didn’t read it. I shouldn’t have brought them.

LINUS
No, it’s okay. It’s typical for our family. And hey, the bouquet is actually flowers, and not like, a bomb or something. Wait, is it a bomb?

TAMMY
No, babe. Not a bomb.

LINUS
Well, that’s something.

ELIJAH
It looks like there’s more on the back of the note.

TAMMY
Oh, you’re right. It says: Look up.

LINUS
Look up? What the hell is that supposed to–– Ahh! Who the hell are you?!

WALLCRAWLER
Oh, hi. You must be Linus!

TAMMY
Get off the BLEEPing ceiling before I scream your arms off.

ELIJAH
Oh my god, can you actually do that?

TAMMY
Yup. It’s really, really messy.

WALLCRAWLER
No need! Okay, okay. Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. You don’t need the forcefield. I’m not here to hurt you.

LINUS
Let me be the judge of that. And speaking of forcefields, how did you get in here in the first place?

WALLCRAWLER
When you let Invisidude in, I followed behind, but from above.

ELIJAH
I’m so sorry, I didn’t see him. Oh, now I guess I know how that feels.

LINUS
It’s not your fault. So, I’m guessing you’re the wallcrawler everyone’s been talking about?

WALLCRAWLER
I don’t crawl, but yeah, that’s me!

LINUS
And you’re here… why? To apologize for murdering my sister?

WALLCRAWLER
Actually, no. I’m not sorry for that. I thought I was saving Lullaby’s life. Sally Mander was holding a fireball, and–

LINUS
I know, Lullaby told me everything.

WALLCRAWLER
Oh. Okay.

TAMMY
So, why are you gracing us with your toolish vigilante presence?

WALLCRAWLER
How rude.

ELIJAH
Hey, he’s not a tool, he’s more of a douchebag.

WALLCRAWLER
Hey, that’s invis-rude, dude.

ELIJAH
Damn it, that was a good one.

WALLCRAWLER
I know, right? I just came up with it on the spot.

ELIJAH
I’m gonna add that to my list.

WALLCRAWLER
Oh my god, you have a list of invisibility puns? That’s so rad!

ELIJAH
I mean, it’s okay. It’s nothing special.

TAMMY
Oh God, are you two flirting or something right now?

ELIJAH
What? No! Sorry, I got distracted.

WALLCRAWLER
I don’t know what you look like, but you sound really cute. How tall are you?

TAMMY
He’s taken. And shut up. You didn’t answer my question: Why are you here?

WALLCRAWLER
How can I shut up and answer your question at the same time?

TAMMY
You’re really annoying.

WALLCRAWLER
I haven’t heard that before.

LINUS
May I remind you that you’re crashing a funeral? The funeral of the person you killed?

TAMMY
I thought you said it was a wake…

LINUS
Aww, come on babe, I was sounding all angry and serious for once. Why’d you have to correct me?

TAMMY
Whoops. Sorry. Continue.

LINUS
So? Why the BLEEP are you here?

WALLCRAWLER
I was gonna stop by the wake anonymously and pay my respects, but I wasn’t expecting the place to be covered in a giant forcefield, so when I saw an opportunity to slip in, my curiosity got the best of me.

LINUS
You’re not apologizing, but you wanted to pay your respects?

WALLCRAWLER
Yeah. I mean, I’m not sorry for trying to save someone, and I’m not sorry I removed a dangerous villain from the streets, but it’s… hard to separate the masked superhero stuff from the reality that she was a person, with a family, and that family might be grieving, so… that’s what I mean, I guess. I’m so sorry that my actions took away your sister.

LINUS
I understand. If it was any other villain, I would probably be thanking you.

WALLCRAWLER
Since you took down your forcefield, does that mean… we’re okay?

LINUS
No, it means I was tempted to use it as a weapon to crush your head, so I got rid of it before I could start taking out my feelings on your skull.

WALLCRAWLER
Gotcha. We are NOT okay.

LINUS
You are not forgiven, and I’ll never forget, but… I’m not blaming you. If anything, I blame my dad for starting this.

WALLCRAWLER
Hey man, if there’s anything I can ever do to make it up to you, I’ll do it. I give you my word.

LINUS
Fine. (sigh) Elijah, can you see this guy out, please?

ELIJAH
Yeah, of course.

LINUS
Thanks for bringing the flowers. It was nice to see you.

WALLCRAWLER
You’re technically not seeing him…

ELIJAH
Wow, you’re really on it today.

WALLCRAWLER
Oh, bro, I’m always on it. Hey, Invisi-stud, before we go, here’s my number, if you ever want… a helping hand.

ELIJAH
Uh, thank you, I guess, but–

TAMMY
I’ll take that!

TAMMY
Good, now we have a way of getting in touch with you. You owe us. Well, you owe Linus. And believe me, we’ll definitely be calling in a favor or two.

WALLCRAWLER
Your wish is my command, milady!

LINUS
Ew, stop bowing and just leave me alone.

WALLCRAWLER
Right. Funeral. Read the room! Got it.

ELIJAH
Let’s go. And keep your feet on the ground, okay?

WALLCRAWLER
Fine, buzzkill.

LINUS
Bye, I.D.

ELIJAH
Bye, guys.

TAMMY
You know, I did meet a henchie named Buzzkill one time.

LINUS
Was Buzzkill… a giant wasp who tried to kill people?

TAMMY
Not even close. I mean, he tried to kill people, but he was a Buzz Lightyear cosplayer.

LINUS
Was he like, “To infinity, and, umm… time to… die?”

TAMMY
Eh, I don’t remember. So, how ya doin’? Holding it together? Having your sister’s killer pop up to say hi wasn’t exactly expected.

LINUS
I’m okay. He’s one less loose thread to worry about.

TAMMY
So, what now? I hope we don’t have any more surprise guests.

LINUS
Ehh, we should probably start the eulogies now.

TAMMY
I thought this wasn’t a funeral.

LINUS
Well, Dad wants to call in and say some remarks, and Sally apparently left a recording for me to play, and… and I wanted to say a few words myself. I mean, this is the time to do it, right? And since you’re the only one here, it’ll make it easier than if I had an audience.

TAMMY
Yeah, that sounds nice.

SFX: RINGING

LINUS
Hey, it’s Dad calling in.

TAMMY
Speak of the devil.

LINUS
Close enough.

MACGUFFIN
I heard that.

LINUS
Hi, Dad.

MACGUFFIN
Hello, son. And hello to you, miss Tamsin Loft. We haven’t yet had the pleasure of meeting.

TAMMY
Hello… MacGuffin. I mean… Mr. Montgomery. Sorry, I don’t know how to address you.

LINUS
This doesn’t need to be a weird “meeting the parent for the first time” thing, babe.

TAMMY
Oh, thank god.

LINUS
Dad, thanks for setting this up. The flower arrangements are beautiful, and the pictures of her are great.

MACGUFFIN
My princess deserved the best. She deserved much better than the hand that fate dealt her.

LINUS
Everything that happened to her was caused by you, so I wouldn’t go blaming it on fate.

MACGUFFIN
Let’s agree to disagree, son. Today is no day for arguing.

LINUS
Agreed. Did you have anything prepared? You said earlier that you had some remarks.

MACGUFFIN
Yes, thank you. Okay. My daughter, Sally Montgomery, was full of life. So full of life, in fact, that she had the tendency of snuffing out the other lives around her.

TAMMY
I’m pretty sure that’s called murder.

LINUS
 Shh!

MACGUFFIN
When she was young, Sally was smart, and curious, like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park. She was my clever girl, and, best of all, she was a psychopath. The ways that she would burn her victims were so creative, showing a real flare for both improv and villainy. A father couldn’t ask for a better daughter. She was my world, the one bright, flickering flame in an otherwise dark void. Her glorious fire, when not marring, maiming, or mutilating, lit the way for me to pursue my dream of world domination. Without her support, I would have never been able to put my plan into action.

TAMMY
What’s he talking about?

LINUS
He’s transitioning from eulogy to villainous monologue, just let it happen.

MACGUFFIN
Soon, the world as we know it will be destroyed, and all because of me! When the battle begins, I’ll be the one on the right side of history. Sally should be at my side, but, alas, she gave into weakness. Her one tiny shred of humanity reared its ugly head at the worst possible moment. When Rose City is in ruins, she would’ve loved it. I can see her now, setting buildings ablaze and throwing firebombs at innocent civilians like they were water balloons on a hot summer day. When Sally was a child, she would add small shards of glass and pebbles into her water balloons and make sure to hit her friends directly in the eyes. They stopped inviting her to parties, but that gave her more time to build her social media following. I remember her first lip gloss review video like it was yesterday. Her lips looked so plump, and moist, and her witty commentary was mesmerizing.

TAMMY
Ew, this is getting creepy.

LINUS
Not as creepy as when they went to prom together.

TAMMY
I don’t want to know.

MACGUFFIN
I was hoping that you would give me grandchildren one day, but, alas, that wasn’t in the cards. I foresaw a future in which you had twins, just as I had a twin, and just like you had your own defective twin. When you were both born, I could tell that you would be brutal and vicious. I foresaw your potential through my powerful precognition. Your twin, however, she would grow up to be kind, and generous, and your love for her would be your achilles heel, so I sent her away. I found a telepath to erase her existence from everyone’s minds, including your mother. But there’s a silver lining in all this… If she ever has children, she may pass on my evil genius to a new generation! (evil laugh)

LINUS
Uh, Dad? What the hell are you talking about?

MACGUFFIN
Ah, yes, you’re still there. I’d nearly forgotten.

LINUS
Are you saying I have another sister out there I’ve never met?

MACGUFFIN
Yes, son, but she’s not worth your time. She has zero potential for villainy. She takes after your mother.

LINUS
Why are you just telling me this for the first time?

MACGUFFIN
I wasn’t telling YOU specifically. I was eulogizing.

LINUS
And what if Tammy and I have kids? Will they be evil?

TAMMY
Uh, sorry, no, I’m not putting my body through twins, OR raising a little Damien.

LINUS
That’s okay, babe, if we want kids, we can always adopt. This world is overpopulated as it is.

TAMMY
I love you so BLEEPing much.

LINUS
Ditto.

MACGUFFIN
Son, you’re spoiling this wake with your sentimentality.

LINUS
Are you going to tell me where I can find this other sister?

MACGUFFIN
No, but you’ll find her eventually. The podcast producer liked Sally’s voice actor too much to not bring her back as a new character next season.

LINUS
What?

MACGUFFIN
Nevermind. Let me finish my eulogy, dammit!

TAMMY
This is crazy.

MACGUFFIN
Sally, my burning fire, my velociraptor, my forever sidekick, you will be missed… Even though your weakness has ruined your legacy. I’ll be forever ashamed of your failures. You had so much potential, and you squandered it. You’re a complete and utter disappointment!

LINUS
Dad, what the BLEEP?!

MACGUFFIN
But, in spite of your shortcomings, I’ll never stop loving you. You will always be my princess. I hope the glorious fires of hell will comfort you for all of eternity.

LINUS
Umm, thanks for your… words, Dad. Is it okay if I hang up now? I have a lot to process.

MACGUFFIN
Of course, son. If you need to talk, you can always call. I mean, not after the cell towers are destroyed when the human race is decimated, but you have a full two weeks before that happens.

LINUS
Thanks for the heads up, I guess…

MACGUFFIN
Goodbye, Son. I’ll see you on the battlefield.

LINUS
Bye.

TAMMY
Holy BLEEP balls.

LINUS
That’s a lot to unpack.

TAMMY
Ya think?

LINUS
So, we have two weeks until whatever apocalyptic thing Dad’s been hinting at forever happens.

TAMMY
It’s that looming threat that Max inherited from the Stag, isn’t it? The thing he supposedly won’t be prepared for?

LINUS
Yeah. I thought we’d have more time…

TAMMY
Oh, and apparently you have another sister.

LINUS
At least this one’s not evil, that’s something.

TAMMY
Yay…

LINUS
Let’s focus more on trying to save the world. If we survive whatever’s coming, I can look for my sister then.

TAMMY
Good thinking. I guess we need to go warn everyone as soon as possible so we can prepare.

LINUS
Yeah.

TAMMY
So. Why are you just standing there?

LINUS
We haven’t finished the eulogies yet.

TAMMY
Oh. Right. Sorry.

LINUS
My mom wrote something in my journal that I was going to read outloud for Sally, but it’s just a single paragraph about how even though she struggled to even like Sally, she still loved her. She used to feel like a bad parent, until she realized Sally was just wired differently. She also said something about how she hopes Sally is finally at rest.

TAMMY
You should probably tell her about the twin thing.

LINUS
I can’t believe Dad would alter her memories of having another daughter. That’s… unforgivable.

TAMMY
Considering his track record, it’s not a surprise. Did… you want to say anything now? For Sally?

LINUS
Yeah, I probably should. I didn’t write or prepare anything– I was going to speak from the heart.

TAMMY
Then do that.

LINUS
Well, Sally, being your brother has almost ruined my life on many occasions. Being the son of MacGuffin is worse, obviously, but you’re a close second. You were always self-centered, and cruel, and lacked empathy, but you were still my sister. I remember watching movies with you. Tammy, Sally loved rom-coms, but she always made me promise to never tell anyone. Her favorite characters were always the bad boyfriend or girlfriend that the protagonist would break up with to be with their true love. She always felt those exes were misunderstood, like her. Much of what Sally did was to satisfy her own demented concept of perfection. Dad always wanted her to be the best at being the worst, and that pressure really took its toll. She did have a warped sense of justice, though. I remember one time when some guys whistled at her and catcalled when we were out shopping one day. She melted their eyes, but left them alive, so they could learn their lesson about objectifying women.

TAMMY
Harsh, but fair.

LINUS
Right? I could tell stories from when we were young, about how she would burn everything around her except for me, and how that made me feel special, but honestly, I don’t know if she deserves it. Just because we spent our childhoods together, and because we have the shared trauma of being raised by a supervillain, doesn’t give her a free pass.

TAMMY
Like your mom said, Sally was just wired differently. She didn’t choose to be a psychopath, it’s how she was born. She chose to never burn you, even though she probably wanted to whenever you were being a brat.

LINUS
I did have a bratty streak.

TAMMY
You DO have a bratty streak.

LINUS
Whatever.

TAMMY
Anyway, I think she loved you, in her own way. Even though she kept threatening to kill me, I think she would’ve spared me if you asked her to.

LINUS
I think you’re right. She wasn’t the absolute worst, just really, really terrible.

TAMMY
Mhmm.

LINUS
Oh, crap, I still have to play Sally’s video message.

TAMMY
So, explain to me how this exists.

LINUS
Dad had told Sally that if she didn’t kill Ren’s sister Cassie, it might eventually lead to her death. Sally actually drew up a will, and left a message to play at this service.

TAMMY
Did she leave everything to your dad?

LINUS
I don’t know, I have a meeting with some lawyers next week.

TAMMY
Gotcha. Well, I guess we should probably play this thing, right? Did your dad already watch it?

LINUS
Yeah, he was gonna watch it on his own.

TAMMY
Okay. I’m a little nervous.

LINUS
Me too. I haven’t watched it yet. Let me turn this music off first.

LINUS
Okay, so, uhh, here we go.

SALLY
Hello, world! It’s me, Sally Montgomery. You might know me from HeroTube and Herogram, or from the tabloids, or from the one short season of my reality show, Sally in the Galley, where I went undercover to work as a cook on a battleship. Despite all of my fame as a civilian, how I’d really like to be remembered is as Sally Mander, the mistress of flame! No, that sounds stupid. The princess of pain! No, that’s dumb. Oh, I got it! I am Sally Mander, the queen of fire!

TAMMY
Oh, brother.

SALLY
Besides starting a majority of the world’s most destructive forest fires, you can credit me with at least 400 disfigurements and over five dozen straight-out murders. That doesn’t even include the lives lost in the bombings of multiple buildings! I’m a little sad I won’t be able to check off a few things from my bucket list, like trapping and killing an entire stadium full of people. I was waiting to see if the superbowl would ever be played in Rose City. That, or if Adele ever played a concert here. I BLEEPing love Adele so much. And don’t think I’m a complete monster– I would make sure she was out of harm’s way before fricasseeing her fans. Human lives don’t mean much to me, but I could NEVER hurt Adele. She speaks to my soul! I would ask for you to play one of her songs for me, but Daddy told me the podcasters wouldn’t be able to afford the rights, so that kinda sucks, but whatever. It is what it is.

TAMMY
I am so confused.

LINUS
Story of my life.

SALLY
What does one say after they’ve died? Should I apologize to those I’ve hurt? Should I tell my family how I feel about them? Should I tell an impactful story about what I’ve learned, and try to impart that message to others? No, really, I don’t know. These questions aren’t rhetorical.
Okay, well, I’m not going to say any of that BLEEP.

Instead, I’ll send you off with an encore of the theme song to my reality show, Sally in the Galley. Here we go!

SFX: MUSIC STARTS

LINUS
The High Seas!

SALLY
Sally in the galley, Sally on a ship.
Sally in the galley, Sally on a ship.
Baking tarts,
breaking hearts,
cooking yams,
eating clams.
Sally in the galley, Sally on a ship.
Sally in the galley, Sally on a ship.
Sally in the galley, Sally in the what?
Sally in the galley, Sally in the what?
No, really, what is a galley? I don’t know.
Ohhh, a boat kitchen. Okay!
Sally in the galley, a boat on a kitchen,
Sally on a ship, this show is bitchin!

LINUS
Galley!

SFX: TURN OFF MUSIC

LINUS
Nope. No way I’m listening to that whole thing.

TAMMY
What if there’s like a post-credit scene or something?

LINUS
This isn’t a marvel movie. Besides, she literally twerks to the word galley for like 30 full seconds after this.

TAMMY
That’s a lot of twerking.

LINUS
Ugh. Yeah.

TAMMY
So, was there anything else you wanted to say?

LINUS
Nope. I think I wanna go home now.

TAMMY
Okay, but we need to listen to music on the drive back, because that stupid BLEEPing song is stuck in my head.

LINUS
I know, it’s an ear-worm, right?

TAMMY
Hey, you know, I met a henchie named Ear-worm one time…

LINUS
Seriously?

TAMMY
Nah, I’m just kidding. But you believed me, didn’t you?

LINUS
Ugh, yeah. Dammit! I think it’s stuck in my head, too. Sally in the galley–

TAMMY
Sally on a ship.

LINUS
Sally in the galley–

TAMMY
Sally on a ship!

LINUS
Oh god, let’s get outta here. After all, we have to prepare for the end of the world.

TAMMY
Oh. Yeah. That. I can’t wait. Well, babe, after you.

LINUS
Okay. (sigh) Goodbye, Sally. 

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Wallcrawler is voiced by Greg Maddock, MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo, and Sally Mander is voiced by Jenny Gibson. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!

TAMMY
Oh, and apparently you have another sister!

LINUS
At least this one’s not evil! That’s something.

TAMMY
Yay…