Episode 41 – Space Squad

The space squad reunites!

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Transcript

41 - Space Squad

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Sophia, Chameleon, and Elijah bonded during their trip to the distant galaxy BJ-69 and survived their encounter with the Kromin Empire. They haven’t had much time to catch up lately, so Sophia’s called them together for an impromptu gathering. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 41: Space Squad. This episode contains discussion of torture, PTSD, and attempted suicide.

SOPHIA
I’m so happy you’re both here!

CAM
Happy, nothing! BLEEP, I’m BLEEPing ecstatic.

ID
I know, it’s been way too long. Sophia, I haven’t seen you since the day you got your memories back!

SOPHIA
Well, that’s funny, because I haven’t seen you in years.

ID
Har, har. I see your new level of sass hasn’t faded.

SOPHIA
For me, it just feels like my normal level of sass.

CAM
Well, I adore this BLEEP.

ID
You’ve got strong sailor vibes today, Cam.

CAM
You have no idea. The worst part about being around that BLEEPing baby every godBLEEP minute is that I can’t swear. Between the crying and the neverending BLEEP factory of an assBLEEP that kid’s got on it, I’m so BLEEPing tired, and all I want to do is swear! Or sleep. Or BLEEP.

SOPHIA
So much bleeping.

ID
Oh, no, by “sailor,” I meant you were wearing white and navy stripes today.

CAM
Oh. Yeah. Cute, right?

SOPHIA
You’re always cute.

CAM
As if!

SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM
How about now? Still cute?

ID
Okay, growing an extra eye is kinda cool, but the giant wart clusters, they’re a little excessive.

SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM
Well compliments on my body are kind of wasted, but if you want to say how cute my outfit looks, that’s fine.

SOPHIA
When I said you were always cute, I was referring to your outfits.

CAM
Well, now I feel like an ungracious dipBLEEP.

SOPHIA
Good. You should.

ID
So sassy!  Hey, Cam, when you grow extra eyeballs like that, do they actually work?

CAM
Oh yeah, I can see out of them if I want to. But I can grow them just for show.

ID
Can you put one on the back of your head to see behind you? That would be pretty handy.

CAM
Who doesn’t like a good handy?

ID
Not what I meant.

CAM
I know. Sadly, it gives me a headache. The human brain isn’t designed for input from eyes in weird places.

ID
Huh. But you’re not human.

CAM
Well… I’m not not human, either. I’m more of a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a sex drive. But yeah, it would be pretty handy in the field.

ID
Hey, that’s what I’m here for.

CAM
Is it?

SOPHIA
No, you’re here because I asked you.

ID
A reunion of… the Space Squad! I still think we should have a secret handshake.

CAM
Yeah, why are we here?

SOPHIA
There’s no elaborate explanation. I just… really missed you.

ID
Aww, Sophia, I missed you too!

CAM
I second that.

SOPHIA
I’ve had little time for socializing. A-league work has been quite taxing, and when I’m not working, I’m attempting to mend the extremely complex relationships with my dad and Frankie.

ID
Yeah, how are they doing?

SOPHIA
My dad has improved somewhat. He’s not prepared to work in any official hero capacity yet, but he stepped up and began mentoring the new members of the A-league. When he’s in human form, he functions well, but even the suggestion of transforming into Smasher stresses him out.

ID
PTSD?

SOPHIA
Yes. Are you still seeing a therapist about your time with the Kromins?

ID
Not as often anymore, but yeah, I check in with her every month. Sometimes I just text her, like when something really pushes my buttons.

SOPHIA
That’s good to hear.

ID
Honestly, I originally thought being tortured by someone using my face and voice would be the worst part, but I don’t have nightmares about Ploonjer or his Kromin lackeys…

CAM
Are you sleeping okay?

ID
It’s been better, but most of my… issues present when I’m awake. I’m still fighting extreme feelings of helplessness, and I’m having what’s called “somatic flashbacks” when my fingers hurt where they were removed.

CAM
I’m so sorry. If I knew who I was then, I would’ve BLEEPing killed Ploonjer.

ID
(sigh) Ploonjer never hurt me himself. He was just the one asking me questions. I got the feeling he didn’t want to get blood on his armor.

CAM
Either way, I will blow his godBLEEP head off if I see him near you again.

SOPHIA
Cam, my dad told me that you met with Danger Damsel last week. Did you receive satisfying answers from your conversation?

CAM
Well, I… got answers.

SOPHIA
Not great?

CAM
Yes. No. Kind of. (sigh) Danger Damsel’s really BLEEPed up. She’s leaving the superhero life for good and moving in with her family across the country.

ID
So she doesn’t want anything to do with Stevie?

CAM
Nope. When I mentioned the baby, she shut down completely. Her eyes glazed over and she lost focus. I told her I would legally be Stevie’s guardian if she’d allow it, and she didn’t object.

ID
Well that’s good, right? A great big –uh, little– happy shapeshifting alien family!

CAM
I guess, but I’m worried about Danger Damsel. Doc Healy told me she tried to take her own life more than once, but she couldn’t overcome her own superpowered endurance and strength. She’s trapped by her own powers, which is really BLEEPed up.                                                                                                                      

ID
Could we please talk about something other than trauma? Sophia, what about Frankie? Are you two getting along?

SOPHIA
Frankie’s fine. We are back to our old dynamic, a blend of jealousy, playful banter, loyalty, contempt, and love. You know, common tropes of American sisterhood.

ID
Maybe it’s a good thing I’m an only child.

CAM
So, about Frankie, do you think it would be too much of a favor to ask if she’d meet with Danger Damsel before she moves?

SOPHIA
Why, to erase Danger Damsel’s memories of her time on the Toylitt?

ID
The name Toylitt really makes it hard to talk seriously about this stuff.

CAM
Yet you’re unphased that Danger Damsel’s initials are double D? (sigh) But, yeah. I told her about Frankie’s abilities, and she would accept having it all retconned. Not the battle, or losing the rest of the A-league…but her months with the Kromins, and the baby’s… conception and birth—she’s more than willing to lose that.

SOPHIA
Normally, Frankie tries to avoid wiping or altering major milestones, but I believe she’d make an exception. As long as she’s willing to sign a waiver.

CAM
BLEEP, after making your parents’ entire marriage and your dad’s mind her puppet shows, now she goes to Ethics 101? (sigh) Yes, I think that’d be for the best. Elijah, the option is there for you, too.

ID
I know, I know. I think I want to remember, though. I don’t know why, but I feel like I can handle this, and it’ll make me stronger when I finally reach the other side.

SOPHIA
With trauma, there’s not always another side. The emotional repercussions may last for the rest of your life.

ID
There are millions of people that’ve gone through much worse, so yeah. I’m good. If I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know.

SOPHIA
I’m sorry for continuing the PTSD talk. Let’s discuss a happier topic.

CAM
Maybe some juicy gossip?

SOPHIA
Such as?

CAM
Sophia, are you a virgin?

SOPHIA
BLEEP. I should’ve anticipated this coming up.

CAM
That’s why she said.

ID
Why are you asking about her, umm…

CAM
V-card?

ID
Yeah, that.

CAM
Back in space, Sophia told me that her friends used to tease her about how she might’ve been slutty before she lost her memory, because who knows?

SOPHIA
To be accurate, the only teaser was Tammy.

ID
I don’t have perfect recall, and even I remember her saying that.

CAM
So, what’s the verdict? Is your goose loose?

ID
Cam, I know being forward and talking about sex is your “thing,” but you’re being rude.

SOPHIA
It’s okay, Elijah. If you must know, my goose is… My goose is the opposite of loose, but I refuse to say my goose is tight.

ID
Uh, yeah, please don’t.

CAM
Seriously? But look at you! You’re like a sexy librarian without the half-moon glasses or tight bun.

ID
Please don’t say tight bun either.

SOPHIA
Cam, do you remember every detail of your first time?

CAM
No, it’s kind of a blur. I was nervous, and I didn’t know what to do with my hands. Or my mouth. But that’s it. First times are wildly overrated.

SOPHIA
Well, then, you’re lucky. Nothing’s ever been a blur for me. I was always too afraid it would be a bad experience, and I would replay the awkwardness in my head forever.

CAM
But that’s how you learn! And weird is good.

SOPHIA
I’m a perfectionist, if you hadn’t noticed.

CAM
You can’t be perfect at sex, Sophia. Just ask Elijah.

ID
What’s that supposed to mean?

CAM
You know, trying to deal with Max’s antlers in the bedroom? Hysterical.

ID
Oh, that. Yeah. I thought you meant something else.

CAM
Ooh, now I must know.

ID
There’s nothing to know! Max tells me I’m very good at sex.

CAM
Ugh, so BLEEPing cute.

ID
Thank you!

SOPHIA
So why did you want to bring up my reluctant virginity?

CAM
Reluctant, you say?

SOPHIA
Well, duh. Even when I was giving off the robot vibe, I still had sexual thoughts. It’s not that I don’t want it.

CAM
So what’s stopping you? Don’t turn into a spinster cat lady. Unless the cats are your furry subs.

SOPHIA
As a female feline lover without a partner, I find that offensive.

ID
I really hope no one makes a pussy… cat joke.

CAM
Sophia. You’re focusing on the wrong thing.

SOPHIA
How do you mean?

CAM
You’re viewing your power as a curse. Yeah, you’ll remember the awkward parts, but you’ll also remember the hot things, and you can play the highlights at will. A lifetime of free porn!!

SOPHIA
When you put it that way, I feel… foolish.

CAM
See, that’s one first out of the way already. I wonder how many firsts I can help you with.

ID
I’m feeling a little like a third wheel.

SOPHIA
It’s okay, Cam and I always flirt when we’re one-on-one!

CAM
We do?

SOPHIA
I thought we did. Have I been reading this wrong? 

CAM
 No, you definitely mean a lot to me, but—

SOPHIA
But what?

CAM
Aren’t you… straight?

ID
Seriously, just because you can’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not still here in the room.

SOPHIA
Physically, I am ordinarily attracted to men, but there’s no simple way to label being romantically drawn to an asexual shapeshifter…

CAM
Oh, I’m very sexual.

SFX: PHONE RINGING

ID
Oh, thank you, sweet, sweet interruption.

CAM
Yeah, yeah, I’ll get it. Hello, this is Horny Asexual Shapeshifters Incorporated. How may I direct your call?

PLOONJER
Greetings, your highness! This is Ploonjer, of the Toylitt. Well, I’m no longer the Ploonjer, and technically the Toylitt is gone, too, but… whatever. So… how’s it going?

ID
Oh, BLEEP, no! Can we go back to the sex talk?

CAM
Hey, I used to have to listen to you having phone sex with Max. This conversation barely scratches the surface.

ID
You didn’t have to listen to us!

CAM
But you were so good at it! When Mozart played the piano, did the audience ignore him? No! It was impossible NOT to listen!

SOPHIA
Could someone please tell me why there’s a malevolent Kromin general on the phone?

PLOONJER
Your highness, I am still here waiting for your gracious acknowledgement!

CAM
You’re a piece of BLEEP. How’s that for acknowledgement?

PLOONJER
Okay, apparently you’re not enthused to hear from me. I completely understand that. I have a strong personality.

ID
Why are you still using my voice!?

PLOONJER
I need to be human in order to understand your language. Yours was the only human form I’d ever assumed, so it was easier than creating a unique one.

ID
Great.

CAM
I’m gonna skip right over the how. Why the BLEEP are you calling me?

SOPHIA
And please clarify that you are no longer the Ploonjer of the Toylitt.

PLOONJER
I’m calling to warn you, your highness. The Sovereign Supreme is no more, and every other other royal ambassador is either missing or dead! It would seem that you are now the new Sovereign Supreme of the Kromin Empire!

CAM
I- But- BLEEPing BLEEP.

SOPHIA
Ploonjer, what transpired?

PLOONJER
An alien force from the far reaches of the universe has ended the reign of the Kromin empire. With the exception of a few outlying colonies on small, distant planets, the Kromin race has been wiped out! I managed to get into an escape pod before the Toylitt was destroyed, but I am the only high-ranking officer to survive. I’ve set a course for earth, but I’m afraid that the Threat will reach you before I do, my liege! Their ships are heading straight toward the Milky Way Galaxy!

CAM
I distinctly remember commanding you to prevent any Kromins from ever coming to Earth.

PLOONJER
My loyalty is to you alone now, so I must be at your side. I will promise to not reproduce with any of your humans if you so wish.

CAM
Cool, c-cool cool… Super appropriate that someone from the ToyLitt would BLEEP all over my life.

ID
When you get here, you’re changing your voice and face, got it?

PLOONJER
I will do nothing for your pleasure, invisible human garbage.

SOPHIA
What a dickhead.

CAM
And why exactly should I trust you?

PLOONJER
To prove myself to you, my liege, I will confess a great secret: We sent Danger Damsel home to you with a Kromin developing in her uterus, disguised in human form.

CAM
Yeah, we already know that, but thanks. Jesus BLEEPing Christ.

PLOONJER
Impressive skills of deduction. Your intelligence knows no bounds!

CAM
Get BLEEPed, dude.

PLOONJER
If you wish, my liege. 

CAM
Ugh, just shut up.

SOPHIA
What threat is approaching Earth? You weren’t very specific.

PLOONJER
The threat is… the Threat.

CAM
Clarify.

PLOONJER
This alien race is known as “The Threat.” The threat is “The Threat.”

CAM
I cannot with this guy right now. This is like a BLEEP WWE story arc.

PLOONJER
The Threat are a vicious, cunning people. Their body armor is similar to Kromin design, but their technology is unlike anything I’ve ever encountered.

SOPHIA
What can you tell us about them?

PLOONJER
Before the Toylitt was targeted, I learned that their own home world had died, and they were in search of a new planet to colonize. They were moving from planet to planet in galaxy BJ-69, but when they realized the Kromin empire already had a firm foothold in the area, The Threat became enraged, destroyed the planets, and decimated the Kromin Empire.

CAM
Why are they coming to Earth instead of some other galaxy between here and BJ-69? Who writes this BLEEP?

PLOONJER
I detected a signal, your highness, when I was entering the coordinates to Earth. A homing beacon. Someone on your planet is specifically calling out to the Threat. It would seem that they decided to answer that call.

SOPHIA
It has to be MacGuffin. The threat that he’s been teasing for over a year, the one that Max is supposed to help protect the Earth from, he wasn’t being intentionally vague, he was literally telling us their name! The Threat!

CAM
Oh, BLEEP me! Ploonjer, how much time do we have to prepare?

PLOONJER
They are likely already there, my liege. As I said, their technology is far beyond ours, including the speed of their ships.

CAM
This is bad. This is super BLEEPing bad. Ploonjer, what else can you tell us about the Threat? 

PLOONJER
Their race does have a weakness, my liege. We weren’t able to deduce what it was before it was too late, but the destruction of Earth is far from inevitable should you decide this backwater hive of mammals is worth your effort.

CAM
Mammals don’t live in HIVES! (sigh) Thank you for the warning. It won’t be forgotten. That is to say, by Recall here. I still want you to BLEEP off and die, but Recall will always remember!

PLOONJER
Much luck, Sovereign Supreme. You shall need it.

SFX: DIAL TONE

CAM
Well, that escalated quickly. You’re really quiet, Elijah.

ID
With the two of us having the same voice, I didn’t want to confuse anyone.

SOPHIA
Smart move. It may have confused the listeners.

ID
What?

SOPHIA
Sorry, occasionally breaking the fourth wall is something I’ve been doing since I was a teenager.

CAM
We’ll need to break some BLEEPing walls soon, that’s for sure. Oh God, we need to call out the B-league, the C-League, the Super Scouts, the Rotary Club, the HOA, the Lesbian Beekeepers of America. We need all hands on deck.

SOPHIA
There’s nothing like a potential world-ending event to really get the blood flowing! I’m probably going to transform into Basher and smash everything once my intelligence ceases to be of use!

CAM
Your intellect shall not be in vain, Sophia.

SFX: PHONE RINGING

ID
Uh oh.

SOPHIA
Who is it?

ID
Max is calling. I’m putting him on speaker.

MAX
Elijah, where are you?

ID
I’m in Sophia’s quarters, at HQ.

MAX
We have a problem.

ID
We have a bigger problem!

MAX
Bigger than the giant spaceship that just appeared in the sky above the city?

ID
No, actually, same problem.

MAX
What?

ID
It’s the Threat, Max. The Threat the Stag warned you about. They’re here!

MAX
I know. MacGuffin just texted me “I told you so.” What a dick.

CAM
Typical.

ID
We need a plan!

MAX
Sophia, are you there?

SOPHIA
Right here, Max.

MAX
We need to strategize.

SOPHIA
I have a few ideas.

MAX
Great, because I don’t know what the BLEEP is going on right now, but I’m scared. I’m really scared.

ID
Max, I- I-

MAX
I know. I love you too. (sigh) Okay, hero time. Sophia? What’s the plan?

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Ploonjer is voiced by Nick B, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, and MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo. Music by Pete Johnson, writing, producing and sound design by Mat Johnson, and some script doctoring by Allana Langen. 

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CAM
Cool, c-cool cool… Super appropriate that someone from the ToyLitt would BLEEP all over my life.