Tammy and Linus get stuck in a time loop. It's a special bonus Leap Day episode!
Thanks for listening!
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Twitter: @2ndfiddles
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Tammy and Linus get stuck in a time loop. It's a special bonus Leap Day episode!
Thanks for listening!
Follow us on social media:
Twitter: @2ndfiddles
IG: @secondfiddlespodcast
FB: SecondFiddlesPodcast
44 - Loop Day (A Leap Day Special)
SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles:
With Sally Mander dead, and MacGuffin incapacitated for the foreseeable future, Linus Montgomery is finally free of his evil family. Tammy has moved into the Montgomery estate to be with him, but she’s still adjusting to mansion life. Max has come over today, on Leap Day, to help clean out Sally’s old rooms. It's a surprise bonus episode! Let’s begin.
MAT
Episode 44: Loop Day!
LINUS
It’s just a little further down this hallway.
TAMMY
I thought we weren’t allowed in this wing.
MAX
Tell me again why can’t I move here? This place is so much better than my apartment.
LINUS
In case my dad’s money was acquired illegally, the government would swoop in and take everything.
MAX
I’d rather live in a mansion for a month than go back to living with my ex-boyfriend.
TAMMY
How is Cliff Hanger as a roommate?
MAX
Just call him Parker, geez. He’s fine. We’re trying to give each other some space and figure out how it’s all gonna work. Elijah’s been over almost every day this week, and when we’re all in the living room together, Parker tries to be chummy. It’s not great, but it’s not terrible.
LINUS
Huh. Well, I hope it gets better.
MAX
Me too. My stomach has been extra sensitive lately because the stress is giving me anxiety poops, and I’m nervous to go in the apartment because we share a bathroom now, so I’ve been… holding it.
TAMMY
That sounds like a pain in the ass. Literally!
MAX
Har, har.
LINUS
Okay, see these doors? Everything from here until the end of the hallway are Sally’s rooms.
TAMMY
Damn. That’s a lot of rooms.
LINUS
You weren’t complaining when I showed you your new closet room.
MAX
You have an entire room that’s a closet?!
TAMMY
I only have enough clothes to fill like five percent of it.
LINUS
Time for a shopping spree!
TAMMY
I hate shopping.
MAX
I can go in your place!
LINUS
It’s a date!
MAX
So, why did you want me to come over today? You mentioned something about sorting through Sally’s old stuff?
LINUS
Kind of. Today’s a special day.
MAX
Because it’s February 29th?
LINUS
Yeah. Today is Sally’s birthday. Was Sally’s birthday. She would’ve been 7 today.
MAX
She was only SIX YEARS OLD?
TAMMY
Obviously not. Use your brain.
MAX
Did your Dad rapidly age her somehow?
LINUS
No, she’s not a child actor in a soap opera.
MAX
Okay, I’m gonna need some backstory.
LINUS
Her birthday was on leap day, so she would celebrate every 4 years with a big party.
MAX
Oh. That makes way more sense.
LINUS
Yeah. Her parties would usually involve her getting some new pets and then promptly disintegrating their bodies. I despised it, but she always loved her birthdays.
MAX
Does that mean that your other random sister out there is turning 28 today too?
TAMMY
That is how twins work, Maxi.
MAX
Bite me.
LINUS
Yeah, but I don’t even know if she knows when her birthday is. I can’t believe I’ve had another sister out there this whole time.
TAMMY
It’s crazy, but not surprising, considering your father.
LINUS
Yeah.
MAX
So what does this have to do with Sally’s stuff?
LINUS
Oh, right. I’ve been too sad to go through her things since she died, so I figured finally starting it on her birthday would be kinda meaningful, and I wanted you both here with me.
TAMMY
Aww, that’s sweet.
MAX
Yeah, anything I can do to help!
LINUS
Great.
MAX
Uh oh.
LINUS
What?
MAX
Uhhhh. Before we get started, where’s the nearest bathroom? I feel a wave of stress poop coming on.
LINUS
Gross, dude. Across the hall.
TAMMY
Is it a wave or a tsunami?
MAX
I’m gonna say “monsoon.” Bye!
TAMMY
That blows. So, is this the first room?
LINUS
Yup!
TAMMY
Whoa. This is not what I was expecting.
LINUS
Really?
TAMMY
Yeah, I was picturing everything all pink and girly and stuff. Or a wall of pikes displaying the heads of her victims.
LINUS
Everything in here is made of flame-retardant material, so she couldn’t start a fire that burned the house down.
TAMMY
Even the canopy bed and the curtains?
LINUS
Yup! Montgomery Innovations developed some really cool fire-proof textiles and stuff.
TAMMY
Huh. Nice.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX PLAYS
TAMMY
Where’s that coming from? Is there a music box in here?
MACGUFFIN
Welcome back home, princess!
LINUS
Oh, no.
MACGUFFIN
Welcome to your 7th glorious quadrennial birthday celebration! Woud you like to play a game?
TAMMY
Is this live, or a recording?
LINUS
It’s pre-recorded. Dad must’ve had this planned before he went to the Island——as a surprise for Sally.
MACGUFFIN
I know how much you love your birthday, so this one gets to last a little longer than usual.
TAMMY
What’s that supposed to mean?
MACGUFFIN
Since you love escape rooms, and even though I don’t understand your fondness for romantic comedies, I whipped up something perfect for you!
TAMMY
Did he say escape room?
LINUS
Dad used to surprise us with things like this when we were kids.
TAMMY
This is gonna suck, isn’t it?
LINUS
Yup. Please don’t break up with me.
TAMMY
I can’t promise anything.
MACGUFFIN
You can spend forever here if you’d like, but the entire mansion will be trapped outside of time until you’re ready to leave.
SFX: DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS SNAP SHUT
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
What the hell? Did he say we’d be trapped outside of time?
SFX: TRYING DOOR KNOB, BANGING ON DOOR
TAMMY
Damn it. I think we’re really stuck in here.
LINUS
No matter where I am, as long as we’re together, that’s good enough for me.
TAMMY
Okay…
LINUS
Before we, you know, get married, I really need to tell you something.
TAMMY
Whoa, cool your jets.
LINUS
There’s a secret I’ve been keeping from you, and it’s been messing with my head for over a year.
TAMMY
What are you talking about?
LINUS
Before I tell you, just remember that I love you, okay?
TAMMY
I don’t like how this sounds, but… sure. What’s going on?
LINUS
Do you remember how after we first met, we texted each other like all the time?
TAMMY
Yes… Why?
LINUS
Well, when I first met you, I was really scared that you’d reject me if I said anything stupid, so I had someone… help me. I’m charming in person, sure, but through a screen, I wasn’t sure if I’d cut it.
TAMMY
What do you mean? You used AI or something to write your texts?
LINUS
Not exactly…
TAMMY
Okay, this has gotta be a bad joke, right? I’m being pranked?
LINUS
I wish.
TAMMY
Who helped you? Was it your friend Bram?
LINUS
No… it wasn’t a friend.
TAMMY
Was it SALLY?!
LINUS
Ew! No, not my sister.
TAMMY
So you’re saying that the Linus I fell in love with, the one who would text me funny and witty and incredibly sexy things, wasn’t really you?
LINUS
Nope. All the in-person stuff was still me, though! It wasn’t a shapeshifter or anything.
TAMMY
(sigh) Okay. I can get over this. I think. Just tell me who it was.
LINUS
The person you really fell in love with was… my dad.
TAMMY
Your WHAT?! I was sexting with MacGuffin?!
LINUS
Not completely! The dick pics were still mine.
TAMMY
I don’t believe you. Please tell me you’re joking.
LINUS
I wish I could! I never thought this would turn into something real. Remember, I was on a mission to insert myself into your life. Dad needed me to succeed, so he used his clairvoyance to see what you liked, and he used that to get you on the line.
TAMMY
On the line? I’m not a BLEEPing fish, Linus!
LINUS
Remember what I said, I still love you! Nothing has changed!
TAMMY
BLEEP this. And BLEEP you! You catfished me!
LINUS
Don’t be like this, babe. Please.
TAMMY
Shut up!
LINUS
What do I have to do to convince you? I’ll give you foot rubs every night for the rest of our lives. I just want you to be happy! With me! And… maybe my dad!
TAMMY
I said, shut up! SHUT UP!
(deep breath, followed by sonic scream).
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
What the hell? Did he say we’d be trapped outside of time?
SFX: TRYING DOOR KNOB, BANGING ON DOOR
TAMMY
Damn it. I think we’re really stuck in here. (beat) Wait. This already happened. Right?
LINUS
Huh? What’s already happened?
TAMMY
The door slammed shut, and a wave of magical energy filled the room, and then you told me that I fell in love with your dad’s texts, and then I freaked out and screamed, and…
LINUS
(laughs) Since when has my dad texted you? He’s really bad with technology. (beat) Are you okay?
TAMMY
No. This already happened. But differently.
LINUS
Okay…
TAMMY
Max! I’ll call Max.
SFX: PHONE RINGING
MAX
Tam? What the heck is going on?
TAMMY
Are you okay?
MAX
Kind of? I mean, I was pooping my brains out, and then when I thought I was finally done, I heard you scream, and then all of a sudden I had to go all over again. I think something’s really wrong with my stomach. Why did you scream?
TAMMY
Macguffin set up this room for Sally’s birthday as an escape room, and I think we’re trapped.
MAX
What?
TAMMY
And he said we were trapped outside of time.
MAX
Oh. Oh! I think we’re trapped in a time loop! Everything in the toilet disappeared after you screamed, and I hadn’t flushed yet.
TAMMY
A time loop? Seriously?
MAX
Do you know how to break the time loop? Are there any clues?
TAMMY
A recording of Macguffin said it had something to do with rom-coms, and we had to find the happy ending.
MAX
What?! I love rom-coms! Well, what happened the first time?
TAMMY
Linus told me he didn’t write all the texts he used to send me, and that I really fell in love with his dad’s words.
MAX
Gross. Really?
TAMMY
Yeah. Then I screamed and things went back to the way they were before.
MAX
Oh! It’s like Cyrano de Bergerac!
TAMMY
What the BLEEP is that?
MAX
See a play sometime. Jesus Christ!
TAMMY
Don’t be a jerk!
MAX
It’s about a dude with a huge nose who speaks to the woman he loves through someone really handsome. It’s a really crappy rom-com trope.
TAMMY
So the time loop reset because I rejected Linus, and that’s not a happy ending?
MAX
Technically, I think the happy ending would be for you to be with Macguffin, in that case.
TAMMY
Not happening.
MAX
Well, is Linus doing the same thing now, or is he doing something different?
TAMMY
Different, I think. He doesn’t remember the dad texting stuff.
MAX
What’s he saying now?
TAMMY
I don’t know, I just called you and started ignoring him. Hey, Linus, what’s your deal?
LINUS
What do you mean?
TAMMY
Do you have a secret you’re keeping from me?
LINUS
Well, yeah, now that you mention it. When we first met, and we first started dating, I actually kind of… already had a girlfriend. But she was a slob with zero ambition, and she was holding me back. I broke up with her before we got too serious, but I was afraid to tell you.
MAX
Oh! That’s another common trope! He was in a relationship with a total dud, and then he left her to be with you, his actual soulmate.
TAMMY
That’s awful! What about his ex? Oh, god am I a homewrecker?
LINUS
Technically, I guess you were the other woman for a while, but that’s old news! She ended up marrying her coworker who’d been carrying a torch for her for years.
TAMMY
You lying piece of BLEEP! (deep breath, sonic scream)
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
Oh, god damn it, not again.
LINUS
You seemed so stressed. It’s Tammy, right? I’m your neighbor, Linus. I heard from the woman who runs the general store in town that you just arrived from the big city.
TAMMY
You’re not a secret cheater, are you?
LINUS
What? No! I’ve only been with one woman my whole life. Unfortunately, she died of cancer the week before we were going to get married. I’ve been living out here in the woods ever since.
TAMMY
Is that why you’re wearing flannel?
LINUS
Yeah, but don’t let the clothing fool you. If you let me paint your house, we’ll have a messy but sexy paint fight, and then I’ll take my shirt off, revealing my muscles. We’ll splash paint on each other’s bodies while laughing and forgetting our worries, and then share a series of sweet kisses before one of us gets nervous and makes an excuse to leave.
TAMMY
Okay, I like this one so much more than the last two. Hold, on, I need to call my brother.
LINUS
Of course. Family is the most important thing in the world. I say that because mine are all dead.
TAMMY
Okay…
SFX: PHONE RINGS
MAX
Make it stop, Tammy! Make it stop!
TAMMY
Still stuck on the toilet?
MAX
The minute it’s all out of my system, you scream, and then the volcano erupts all over again!
TAMMY
I’m sorry! But I need your help!
MAX
I take it we’re still stuck in the same time loop?
TAMMY
It sounds like you’re stuck in a time POOP!
MAX
BLEEP you! If my insides weren’t spewing hot lava, I would love that pun, you BLEEPing BLEEP!
TAMMY
I need your rom-com knowledge!
MAX
Ugh, FINE, what is it?
TAMMY
Linus is dressed like a lumberjack, and I’m his new neighbor who moved here from the city. Hey, Linus, why did I move here?
LINUS
I heard that you were overworked and you messed up a big account for the agency you work for. They fired you, and you moved out here because your distant relative died and left you this house out on the outskirts of our small, picturesque town.
MAX
Oh! I love it! This one doesn’t have anything to do with cheating or starting a relationship based on lies!
TAMMY
But what’s the happy ending?
MAX
Well, you just need to decide to leave your career behind and relocate permanently to your new house, where you and the handsome man with a tragic past fall in love and have a ton of small-town babies.
TAMMY
What? There’s no way in hell I’m changing my entire life for a man, even if he looks ridiculously good in these clothes. Ooh, I have an idea. Thanks, bro. Bye!
LINUS
Everything okay with your brother?
TAMMY
Just peachy. Before we talk about our future, could you do me a favor and take off your pants? Leave on the flannel shirt and the work boots, though.
LINUS
Why, did I spill something on them?
TAMMY
No, because while I have you like this, we’re gonna BLEEP so hard this whole escape room is gonna fall apart.
LINUS
Oh, no, miss, that’s way too fast for me. I’m still grieving the loss of my fiancee. We’re gonna have to work together on a lengthy home repair project first, to get to know each other. After we get married and build our own perfect log cabin together, we can make sweet, sweet love. On a bed. Missionary-style. Lit by candlelight.
TAMMY
Damn it, this sucks too! (deep breath, sonic scream)
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
(sigh) Here we go again.
LINUS
Sit down, my love. I need to tell you something.
TAMMY
What is it?
LINUS
I know we’ve spent the last few months spending every waking moment together, and you’re my soulmate, but… I’ve been diagnosed with an ambiguous fatal illness, and there’s no cure. Will you do me the honor of marrying me on my death bed?
TAMMY
Oh, god, no, way too depressing. (deep breath, sonic scream)
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
Okay. Now what?
LINUS
Tammy, baby, I know I was the world’s biggest player, and I’ve slept with over 5 thousand women——and men——but meeting you has changed my life. I want to settle down and be the man that you need. No, the man that you deserve. Also, you may want to get tested, because I have syphilis.
TAMMY
Hell, no! (deep breath, sonic scream)
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
This is so stupid.
LINUS
Hey, babe, I just wanted to tell—
TAMMY
Hold that thought.
SFX: PHONE RING
MAX
Ugh. Hi, Tammy. I just had a breakthrough.
TAMMY
That’s great! How do we get out of this time loop?
MAX
No, not that kind of breakthrough! My finger broke through the toilet paper when I was wiping!
TAMMY
BLEEP you, Maxi.
MAX
Why does spicy food come out just as spicy as when it goes in?!
TAMMY
That sounds like a you-problem. Bye!
LINUS
Wow, Tammy. When you were just a nerdy girl with a horrible fashion sense, I never gave you a second glance, but now that you took off your glasses, let your hair down, and started wearing more revealing clothing, I’ve gotta say, you’re a total smokeshow. Would you be my date to prom?
TAMMY
There is no way you’re “She’s All That”ing me right now.
LINUS
I mean, yeah, I was originally bet that I couldn’t get someone like you to win prom queen, but now that I know you’ve got a bangin’ bod under all those baggy sweaters, we’re shoe-ins!
TAMMY
Ew! I hate this! (deep breath, sonic scream)
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
Are all rom-com tropes so problematic? Isn’t there something where the woman is empowered, the man is honest, and there’s no bullBLEEP?
LINUS
So would now be a bad time to tell you that I’m actually a prince who swapped places with an icky poor person to escape my royal duties, only to fall in love with you, a lowly but beautiful commoner?
TAMMY
There’s nothing common about me, BLEEP! (deep breath, sonic scream)
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
This is so frustrating!
LINUS
You’re such a drama queen.
TAMMY
Excuse me?
LINUS
You’re throwing a tantrum like a baby. “Waah, this is frustrating, wahhh!” Grow up, little baby.
TAMMY
Who the hell do you think you are?
LINUS
I’m the local bad boy who has no qualms telling you when you’re being a crazy BLEEP. Even though we’re insanely attractive, we hate each other.
TAMMY
What? I don’t have time for this.
LINUS
I could reply to your sass with snarky retorts for an eternity.
SFX: PHONE RINGS
MAX
Tammy, I ate a lot of peanuts last night, and I think they’re coming out as peanut butter!
TAMMY
I hope it’s creamy and not chunky.
MAX
BLEEP you! And BLEEP you for hanging up on me!
TAMMY
You’ll get over it. So, Linus is acting like he hates me now. He’s not being romantic at all.
MAX
Aw, man, you’re in an enemies-to-lovers trope! These stories are always extra hot because they have passionate hate-sex!
TAMMY
Is that the happy ending? Sex? I can do sex.
MAX
No, the happy ending stems from realizing that you’ve misjudged the other person, and they’ve misjudged you. You have to have a revelation or be forced into a situation where you can see each other in a new light.
TAMMY
That sounds like a lengthy process.
MAX
We’re in a time loop! You have all the BLEEPing time in the world! You’re just impatient and keep using your power, which resets the loop somehow. Hey, wait, how DOES your screaming reset the loop?
TAMMY
Oh. Good question.
MAX
The loop was designed for Sally, right?
TAMMY
Yes…
MAX
And how would Sally end most interactions with romantic prospects?
TAMMY
By BLEEPing them, probably. Or killing them.
MAX
Or both? At the same time?
TAMMY
Most likely!
MAX
So maybe, because your screaming is an act of violence, like Sally’s fire, it acts as a trigger for a reset.
TAMMY
BLEEP this groundhog day BLEEP!
MAX
You know, there’s a henchie named Groundhog.
TAMMY
Hey, that’s my line!
MAX
You always get to do it!
TAMMY
Because it’s my thing!
MAX
Well I’m stuck in a time poop, as you call it, so I’m taking this one, dammit!
TAMMY
Fine. Why are they called “Groundhog?”
MAX
He has super-strength, but only if he can’t see his shadow.
TAMMY
And there it is.
MAX
Yup.
TAMMY
Yup.
MAX
Okay, if you wanna break the time loop, you’re going to have to stop screaming, and start playing along with whatever the trope is. Maybe that’s the only way to stop this.
TAMMY
This is so stupid, but… you have a point. (beat) Thanks, Max.
MAX
Now go roleplay with your boyfriend!
TAMMY
You don’t have to tell me twice!
LINUS
Jesus, you talk a lot. And who actually talks on the phone anymore? Just text like a normal person.
TAMMY
Hmm. Maybe I’ll try playing along with the next plot. I hope Max and his assBLEEP forgives me!
LINUS
You’re the assBLEEP here.
TAMMY
Eat me. (Sonic scream)
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
Okay. Okay, I got this.
LINUS
Hey, beauty.
TAMMY
Linus, why are you standing in a dark corner? I can’t see your face.
LINUS
Have I told you lately how sexy you are?
TAMMY
No, but… please continue.
LINUS
Sometimes, when I look at you, I want to tie you up and never let you go.
TAMMY
Sounds good so far… Maybe this’ll be a 50 Shades of Gray thing?
LINUS
It doesn’t matter, though, because you’re locked in this house with me for the rest of time anyway. I can’t believe you took your father’s place as my prisoner.
TAMMY
Uh oh. Could you… step into the light?
LINUS
Why because I’m a hideous, deformed freak?
TAMMY
Holy BLEEP! You look like a warthog BLEEPed a lion!
LINUS
And this is why no one will ever love me!
TAMMY
Aww, man, is this a Beauty and the Beast thing? I can deal with being a prisoner, and the stockholm syndrome, but there’s no way I’m doing the bestiality thing. Sorry, not sorry.
LINUS
I knew you weren’t the right woman for me! I should’ve never listened to my singing furniture!
TAMMY
Oh my god. Will this episode ever end?
(deep breath, sonic scream)
SFX: BURST OF ENERGY, REWINDING FOR A FEW SECONDS
MACGUFFIN
To break the cycle, all you need is your happy ending.
MUSIC: MUSIC BOX SPEEDS UP, THEN SLOWS DOWN
TAMMY
No matter what you say, Linus, I love you. Let’s get married, or move to Wisconsin, or raise your dead cousin’s children together, or enter into a love triangle between me, you, and your quirky yet adorable childhood best friend. (deep breath) Is it any of those things?
LINUS
Uh, no, babe. You’re being weird. What’s going on?
TAMMY
We’re in a time loop and I’m cycling through romantic comedy tropes, and your personality keeps changing to fit.
LINUS
Oh. Really? That’s cool!
TAMMY
It’s really not. So, what’s your schtick? Did our relationship start with a lie?
LINUS
Well, yeah, of course it did. We were both pretending to be into each other because my dad put me up to it, and Fourth Wall asked you to get close to me.
TAMMY
Okay, but that’s actually what really happened.
LINUS
(laughs) Yeah, I know it was. You’re being weird.
TAMMY
Is this a rom-com trope? Two people lie about being a couple, but then they actually fall in love because they spend so much time together they realize they’re perfect for each other?
LINUS
Yeah, you’re describing, like, hundreds of movies.
TAMMY
Oh. Well, what now? How do we get our happy ending?
LINUS
Like, a sexy massage kind of happy ending?
TAMMY
Maybe later, but no, you heard your dad’s message. He said it only ends with a happy ending.
LINUS
Well, this probably isn’t the best time for this, but…
TAMMY
Oh, god. Why are you down on one knee? Did you drop something? Please tell me you dropped something.
LINUS
The ring is still in my sock drawer, but… Tamsin Elizabeth Loft, will you marry me?
TAMMY
I could scream right now.
LINUS
Good scream, or bad scream?
TAMMY
Either way, it would melt your face, so I should probably keep it to myself.
LINUS
(long pause)
So… are you gonna leave me hanging?
TAMMY
(pause) No.
LINUS
Was that a no, you won’t marry me, or no, you won’t leave me hanging?
TAMMY
Linus. Of course I wanna marry you, but I don’t want to feel like we were pressured into it by a manipulative time loop.
LINUS
Okay, well, how’s this? We do a long engagement. In four years, on the next leap day, if we still feel the same way we do now, let’s get married.
TAMMY
Would we only need to celebrate our anniversary every 4 years? Because I hate shopping for gifts.
LINUS
Yeah, whatever you want.
TAMMY
(sigh) Fine. Yes, you big sexy idiot.
LINUS
This is the best moment of my life.
TAMMY
Are you crying?
LINUS
No, I just have some dust in my eye…
TAMMY
Oh, geez. So…. Is the time loop over now?
LINUS
I don’t know. Try the door?
TAMMY
Hmm.
SFX: JIGGLE KNOB
TAMMY
Damn. We’re still trapped in here.
LINUS
Maybe this is a happy ending for us, but not for Sally?
TAMMY
Oh, crap, you’re right. What would Sally have done in this situation?
LINUS
She probably would have burned a suitor alive for proposing. She thought marriage was for losers. She saw how miserable Mom and Dad were, and didn’t want that for herself.
TAMMY
Hmm. Right. I would rather not kill you, so there’s gotta be a better solution. So… Sally was a strong, independent woman. Okay, maybe not independent because she relied on your father for everything, but she was strong and didn’t take BLEEP from anybody. Right?
LINUS
Right.
TAMMY
Did she ever have a serious boyfriend or girlfriend? Like, ever?
LINUS
No, never. She had hookups, but they never lasted. If they didn’t give her enough attention, or if they gave her too much attention, she would burn them.
TAMMY
Ouch.
LINUS
Mmhmm.
TAMMY
Oh, god. I just realized something.
LINUS
Yeah?
TAMMY
Linus, I love you so much, but… we’re superheroes. Our lives are impossibly hard. There’s no way our love can last through every supervillain, every alien attack, and every apocalyptic event that comes our way. It’s just not realistic.
LINUS
What… what are you saying?
TAMMY
We’re doomed. I don’t want our romance to end in tragedy. So, I’ve changed my mind. I… no longer accept your proposal.
LINUS
Tammy… Think about this, please!
TAMMY
I have thought about it! It’s not that I’m not choosing YOU, it’s that I am choosing ME. My life is not defined by a man!
SFX: ENERGY BLAST
SFX: DOOR UNLOCKING
LINUS
What just happened?
MACGUFFIN
Congratulations, princess! You figured it out!
LINUS
Figured what out?
MACGUFFIN
Rom coms are great, if you like derivative drivel, but you shouldn’t be so obsessed with “true love.” The only love that matters is that you love yourself.
LINUS
Oh. Ohhhhh.
MACGUFFIN
My darling daughter, I wish you the happiest of birthdays. Congratulations on making it to seven. Now, go burn some puppies or something. Muahaha!
TAMMY
Well, that was… a thing that just happened.
LINUS
You were just acting, right? About choosing yourself over me? To end the time loop?
TAMMY
I don’t know, was I?
LINUS
Don’t joke about it! I don’t appreciate this emotional rollercoaster!
TAMMY
Yes. Of course I wasn’t serious.
LINUS
So… we’re still… getting married?
TAMMY
Yes. In four years, if you’re still my person, we’ll get married.
LINUS
You promise?
TAMMY
I promise.
LINUS
I… still have my mom’s ring, if you’d like to wear it. No pressure!
TAMMY
I do a lot of punching, so… keep it safe for me until later? I don’t want to damage it, especially if it’s your mom’s. Is that okay?
LINUS
Yeah, I have a hollow hideaway book in the library I’ll hide it in until you’re ready.
TAMMY
Weird, but okay. And let’s not tell the others yet. I need some time to think about it, to really envision what being married would look like for people like us.
LINUS
Horny, self-centered people get married all the time.
TAMMY
No, I mean superheroes!
LINUS
Ohhh, yeah that makes sense. You know what? Let’s forget about cleaning out Sally’s old stuff today. There’s something I want to show you. In our bedroom.
TAMMY
Is it a surprise?
LINUS
Yeah. You’ll love it.
TAMMY
Is the surprise in your pants?
LINUS
Yes. Yes, it is.
TAMMY
Well, what are you waiting for?
LINUS
Okay, let’s go!
TAMMY
Hey, do you own a flannel shirt? Like the plaid lumberjack kind?
LINUS
Yeah, I think so. Why?
TAMMY
I think you’re gonna need to grab some ear plugs and set up a strong forcefield, because I plan on screaming a lot more tonight.
LINUS
Hot damn!
SFX: TRANSITION STINGER
MAX
Hey, Tammy!? Linus? Are we still stuck in the time loop? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Tammy?! Ugh, oh god, when did I eat corn? Tammy!?
MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Macguffin is voiced by John Pupo, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.
Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!