Second Fiddles

Episode 1 – Max & Tammy

August 14, 2021 Sidekicker Studios Season 1 Episode 1
Second Fiddles
Episode 1 – Max & Tammy
Show Notes Transcript

Meet the super-powered siblings, Max and Tammy. Working as sidekicks for the heroes of Rose City can be stressful, so they've decided to start their own support group. Well, Max decided, and Tammy really has nothing better to do.  Let's hope they don't ruin it before it starts!

Warning: this is NOT an origin story.

FOURTH WALL
Welcome to Rose City! Chock full of heroes, sidekicks, villains, and their assorted hench...persons, Rose City is one of earth’s many hubs for superpowered people. What’s that, you wanna know where these powers come from? Well, listener, this is not an origin story, so it shouldn’t matter! Fine. Let’s just say it’s a rare genetic mutation, and leave it at that. Our story begins with a lonely young man who’s starting a support group for his fellow sidekicks. He might be doing it to make a difference, but he’s most likely just looking for friends. He’s honestly pretty desperate. Let’s begin.

MAX
Episode 1, Max and Tammy.

MAX
Hi, everybody. My name’s Max, and I’m a sidekick. Some of you might know me as Buck, The Stag’s loyal right hand man–ehh, right hoof man–and some of you might not know me at all. I don’t know if you ever feel like this, but sometimes, I really don’t feel... appreciated. Being a sidekick is like, I don’t know, eating cotton candy in the rain. It’s enjoyable, but you’re rushing to salvage some sweetness before it melts away. You try your best, but it’s impossible to eat all of it. In the end, even if you’ve done a good job, your hands are sticky. Yes, I work for The Stag, a giant sentient deer who shoots laser beams out of his eyes. Can I shoot laser beams too? No. Can I talk to animals? Yes. Sometimes I feel like interpreting for The Stag is the only thing people think I do. I’m not some universal animal translator. I mean, yeah, I am, but I’m so much more than that. Sidekicks aren’t personal assistants, we’re heroes in training. We’re the next generation of superheroes, and I think it’s valuable to acknowledge that. So, I think this can be a safe space for us to vent about our sidekick issues, and maybe work together to find solutions to some of our mutual... hurdles. So, thank you for coming to the first ever meeting of our superhero sidekick support group!

TAMMY
Are you rehearsing your introduction?

MAX
Tammy! (BLEEP!) Uhh, how long have you been listening?

TAMMY
I heard everything.

MAX
Well? Do you think it’ll work?

TAMMY
No, you suck.

MAX
Thanks, sis. Tell me how you really feel.

TAMMY
When the real meeting starts, please don’t say any of that cotton candy stuff. As far as analogies go, it’s a stretch. Don’t we need a name for the support group first?

MAX
I was thinking of an acronym, maybe HIT, for Heroes. In. Training!

TAMMY
Please, no. What else ya got?

MAX
Uhh, Tagalongs?

TAMMY
That’s both demeaning and a girl scout cookie.

MAX
What? No, it’s not.

TAMMY
They’re peanut butter. Look it up.

MAX
No, I mean, it’s not demeaning. Not any more than sidekicks.

TAMMY
What about Second Fiddles?

MAX
Second Fiddles… I… don’t actually hate that.

TAMMY
See, I’m good for something! What would you do without me?

MAX
Without you, I’d be happier. Without you, I wouldn’t have to work my second job at Pet Universe to pay for your half of the rent. Without you–

TAMMY
Okay, that’s enough. Stop holding the job thing over my head. You know I can’t go back to living with Mom and Dad. 

MAX
Have you tried actually talking to them? Ew, don’t give me that look, I’m trying to help. When I saw Mom last week, she did ask how you were doing.

TAMMY
Max! Did you tell her about–

MAX
Don’t worry, I skirted the topic. She still doesn’t know you got fired. Honestly, though, that probably would’ve given her some relief.

TAMMY
I wasn’t fired, I quit!

MAX
Yeah, I still don’t believe that. You were Slap’s sidekick for what, four months? You have to play the long game, like me. Get the street cred before auditioning for a team gig.

TAMMY
Did you actually just use the term street cred? You always talk about joining a team, or a society. You could just go off on your own, be your own hero! How much longer are you gonna be a sidekick for a reserve member of the C-League? The only person lower than you on the hero hierarchy is a cop, and they’re mostly useless.

MAX
Every hero plays their part. I’m not a headliner, I get that. That’s why I majored in Team Support at the academy. Talking to squirrels and pigeons isn’t ever going to save Rose City, but sometimes I can collect good intel, hear the gossip around town, literally get the buzz from the bees.

TAMMY
Ugh, you’re so cheesy. Maybe you could be more effective if animals didn’t hate you so much.

MAX
That is not true. Not exactly.

TAMMY
Really? Tell that to the hamster at work you always whine about.

MAX
You mean Bubbles?

TAMMY
Yeah. Didn’t you say Bubbles called you a douchebag last week? How does a hamster even know what a douche is?

MAX
I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe I wouldn’t have to spend my free time working with those evil little rodents if I could finally quit. If only I had a sister with a job...

TAMMY
Shut up. I have an audition next week, if you must know.

MAX
I take it the one you had this morning didn’t pan out?

TAMMY
You could say that.

MAX
What happened?

TAMMY
You know that thing that happens when I get nervous?

MAX
Uhh, your hiccups came back?

TAMMY
Yup.

MAX
How much damage did you do?

TAMMY
To my surroundings, or to my career?

MAX
Did you forget to bring your power dampener?

TAMMY
That thing is inhumane. It makes me feel like a dog wearing a muzzle.

MAX
Well, if the shoe fits...

TAMMY
I am not wearing that thing. I normally have full control of my powers.

MAX
Until you don’t. Why do you think we only have plastic dishes and cups? I can’t afford for you to have a bad day, lose control, sneeze, and shatter everything in the kitchen. Again.

TAMMY
I didn’t break anything today. Except for a few windows. And a glass door. And maybe an eardrum. Or two.

MAX
Tam, you’re going to get locked up and sent to the Island if you’re not more careful. Your sonic screams are too destructive.

TAMMY
They weren’t screams, they were… sonic hiccups.

MAX
You need to wear your power dampener for your next audition.

TAMMY
It’s a muzzle. And no. Please don’t make me feel any worse than I already do.

MAX
Fine. Let’s table this. Who’s your audition with next week?

TAMMY
One of the members of the Old Hero Society. He’s a clairvoyant who goes by the alias “Fourth Wall.”

MAX
Oh, I know him! The Stag teamed up with him last summer to stop that pyromaniac witch, Sally Mander.

TAMMY
Who names these people?

MAX
I don’t know. Sally Mander was trying to set forest fires that would’ve wiped out The Stag’s entire extended family. Fourth Wall was great, he knew exactly where Sally was, and we caught her before she could smoke any venison. He was a little weird, though, he kept talking to someone who wasn’t there. I thought that maybe he had an invisible sidekick, like Invisidude, but nope, Fourth Wall was talking to someone that he called “The Listener.” I didn’t dig any deeper on that one.

TAMMY
Hm. Speaking of Invisidude, I kind of… sent him an invite for tonight.

MAX
Tammy. Please be joking.

TAMMY
This is what you get for putting me in charge of texting out the invitations.

MAX
Texting? You were supposed to send emails. No one’s gonna take this seriously!

TAMMY
I’m not taking this seriously. Also, no one reads emails anymore.

MAX
Well? Did he RSVP?

TAMMY
Who, Invisidude? I dunno. I didn’t ask anyone to RSVP.

MAX
Oh my god, you had one job. You’re supposed to be the older, responsible one.

TAMMY
What’s your beef with him anyway? Are you still mad about when he beat you out for that gig sidekicking for Annie Conda? Which is also a terrible name.

MAX
No, Annie’s part snake, so she can sense the infrared spectrum, that means she can actually see where Invisidude is, which comes in handy when your sidekick’s invisible. Besides, I wouldn’t have auditioned for The Stag if that had panned out. So, everything turned out the way it was supposed to. I think.

TAMMY
Then why do you care that I invited him?

MAX
Okay, maybe I’m still a little bitter. I know it wasn’t personal, but I can’t help it.

TAMMY
He probably won’t come anyway, no one ever goes to the first meeting of anything.

MAX
Thanks. Great. Real confidence boost. What time is it?

TAMMY
Almost eight.

MAX
What time did you say in the invite?

TAMMY
Eight. Ish.

MAX
I hate you. Do you think we should be in costume? Wear our masks?

TAMMY
We can’t be a support group if we’re keeping a million secrets. No one’s going to open up. Isn’t that what you want? Free group therapy?

MAX
It’s not exactly free, I did buy the booze and the snacks.

TAMMY
Wow, those gas station potato chips really broke the bank.

MAX
I got a variety! Shut up. So… Mask or no mask? Do we want this to be an anonymous thing?

TAMMY
We’re sidekicks, not alcoholics. And stop saying we, this was your idea. I’m just being a good sister.

MAX
Pff, well, that’s questionable. And I know I’m not an alcoholic.

TAMMY
What’s that supposed to mean?

MAX
You have been hitting the boxed wine pretty hard lately.

TAMMY
What can I say, I like grape juice.

MAX
Tammy…

TAMMY
No, Max, not– not now.

MAX
Tammy, we should really talk–

MAX
Holy (BLEEP) someone’s here!

TAMMY
Wow, I was not expecting that.

MAX
So, mask? No mask?

TAMMY
No mask. We’re already in our apartment. Not really anonymous, right?

MAX
Good point. Wait, oh my god, was that a mistake? Should we be doing this at a Denny’s or something?

TAMMY
Too late now.

MAX
Crap, crap. Okay. Let’s do this. Oh, and Tammy… Please don’t kill anyone.

TAMMY
No promises.

MAX
Uhh, hi?

PIZZA DELIVERY PERSON
Hey man, I have your pizza.

MAX
Umm, I didn’t order anyth–

TAMMY
That’s me. Thanks. Keep the change.

PIZZA DELIVERY PERSON
Thanks, have a good one!

MAX
Pizza? Really?

TAMMY
When I texted everyone, I mentioned food. Your bags of chips and your bigger bag of wine aren’t going to cut it.

MAX
Cut it for who? No one’s coming. Also, I got soda, too. Are you trying to sabotage me?

TAMMY
Ordering a pizza is me trying to help you. I want this to go well for you. Maybe if you have something else in your life, you won’t be so far up my (BLEEP) all the time about getting a job.

MAX
Wow, you must really love me. Am I really nagging you that much?

TAMMY
Yeah. Every time we’re in the same room.

MAX
Gross, I don’t want to be that kind of brother. Sorry. I’m just worried. If you want, you could tell me why you quit sidekicking for Slap?

TAMMY
You actually believe me now? You don’t think I was fired?

MAX
I should probably hear you out before judging, I guess.

TAMMY
That would be a first.

MAX
I’m really trying to be a good listener, Tam.

TAMMY
Fine.

MAX
Well?

TAMMY
It started with our names. Slap’s the hero, so obviously we were “Slap and her sidekick Pitch” but I kept suggesting a combo name, because Pitch-Slap is like, so perfect.

MAX
It really is.

TAMMY
So, when we caught that creepy lady with the bug-wings who was using ice cream trucks to kidnap little kids–

MAX
Oh right, the Dairy Fairy.

TAMMY
Yeah, after we took down the Dairy Fairy, there was a news reporter who didn’t know who we were. He tried to interview me on camera while Slap was cleaning melted ice cream off of her giant hands. It was literally a... sticky situation.

MAX
I still don’t know why she went by the name Slap instead of like, I dunno, Punch.

TAMMY
Punch is a beverage.

MAX
What about Fist?

TAMMY
I’m going to let you think about that one. Figure it out? Okay, great. Anyway, this reporter tool asked me who the children of Rose City should thank for taking down the Dairy Fairy, and without thinking, I said “they can thank Pitch Slap for saving the day!”

MAX
It really is a good name.

TAMMY
Slap didn’t think so. As soon as the cameras left, and we were alone, she said I should change my name from Pitch to (BLEEP). She said I was just a sidekick and I was never going to make it in the business.

MAX
Tam...

TAMMY
I could’ve liquified her face with my voice, but I just stood there, all desperate and pathetic, and I actually begged. I asked her not to fire me, and I begged for a second chance. She... said there was a way I could... make it up to her. I could fix it all if I…

MAX
If you what?

TAMMY
I really don’t want to talk about it.

MAX
Sis. If you what?

TAMMY
If I... sucked on her fingers.

MAX
Excuse me?

TAMMY
It would seem her giant hands are for more than just slapping criminals with justice. They’re also good for sexual predation. Apparently, they’re super sensitive to touch, and she likes it when girls suck her fingers. I didn’t want to find out what happened after that.

MAX
Oh my god. Tam, that’s gross. What did you–

TAMMY
That’s when I quit. I told her she could give herself a hand job if she wanted, and I left.

MAX
At least you got in a mediocre comeback! Yeah– Pitch only uses her mouth to fight crime! With her… sonic… vocal… powers. She also uses her mouth to eat…

TAMMY
What’s the point of being a hero if you don’t stand up for yourself? That’s literally why I do what I do. Or what I try to do.

MAX
I’m really sorry. That’s weird. And awful. If you told Mom and Dad, maybe they wouldn’t be so–

TAMMY
No, absolutely not. Sorry.

MAX
At least it would reinforce what I keep telling them about your sexual preferences.

TAMMY
Yeah, ever since you came out to them, they’re just waiting for me to announce that I’m a lesbian. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I still like the D!

MAX
Speaking of which, I decided to delete all of my dating apps last night. I thought being gay was supposed to be easier than it used to be with, you know, technology and stuff to connect us, but I can’t trust anyone. What if some villainous henchman figures out who I am and pretends to like me to get closer to the Stag. I can’t be responsible for that!

TAMMY
You’ll never be famous enough for that to happen. Try meeting guys the normal way, like at a bar, or at your other job.

MAX
The normal way to meet people is through an app. Going to bars is like, so 2005. Bars are slimy. And no one’s going to want to date my civilian side. I really want to stop nagging you about getting a job, especially now that I know why you quit, but I hate working at Pet Universe so much. Making minimum wage while hamsters squeak death threats at me isn’t exactly the life I’d always hoped for. I mean, I was valedictorian at Rose Academy. That should mean something.

TAMMY
What about dating another sidekick? That way you don’t have to worry about keeping secrets, and you can say that your pet store thing is a cover.

MAX
I wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s not like there’s an app for sidekicks. But if there was, it should definitely be called Kickr.

TAMMY
Yes, please trademark that.

MAX
I’ll get right on that. I also don’t want to come out to all the other sidekicks. I mean, I do, but only after I get to know them better. I spend more time around animals than people lately, and animals don’t care about my sexuality. People, on the other hand...

TAMMY
People suck.

MAX
But you don’t suck. On fingers!

TAMMY
(BLEEP) yeah, I don’t.

MAX
I think I need to focus on my career, not my love life. And I’ve never been a fan of random hookups.

TAMMY
What if it was a hookup with a certain sidekick you’re obsessed with?

MAX
What? I’m not obsessed with anyone.

TAMMY
The way you talk about Invisidude, you’re totally obsessed.

MAX
Shut up, Tampon, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know what he looks like, for one thing, and we also know virtually nothing about him.

TAMMY
That’s the point, Maxi-pad, You always want what you can’t have. You give yourself unattainable goals and then whine when you fail.

MAX
I know I said I was a little bitter about him getting that job with Annie Conda, but before the audition, it was just the two of us waiting together for a while, and…

TAMMY
And what? You talked about your attraction to hard-to-get over-achievers?

MAX
No, it was just– there was a vibe. Rather than try to get in my head and mess with me before the audition, he was… sweet. He was encouraging, and friendly, and he tried to ease my nerves. I was actually happy that he got the job, he deserved it.

TAMMY
Oh, come on, that’s stupid. One guy treated you with a hint of decency and you lost sense of the prize. No wonder you work for a giant deer.

MAX
It’s not like that, he was just– nevermind.

TAMMY
Oh my god, that’s why you were upset that I invited him? Heh, you just want to jump his invisible bones, don’t you?

MAX
What was that?

TAMMY
Maybe someone’s at the door?

MAX
Did you order any more food that I should be aware of?

TAMMY
Nope. Just the pizza. By the way, you owe me 18 dollars.

MAX
Oh my god, I’m not ready for this.

TAMMY
Max, you’ve been talking about this forever. Now’s your chance to actually do it.

MAX
You know, my whole life, I’ve always wanted to be left-handed. I wanted to be different, but only a little bit, not in a way that really matters.

TAMMY
Instead, you ended up as a gay superhero sidekick. You know, in a decade or two, if you haven’t been kidnapped or killed by a supervillain seeking revenge against the Stag, you could totally write a memoir.

MAX
I should really get that.

TAMMY
Buck up, Buck. You got this.

MAX
If you say so.

MAX
Hi! Are you here for the support group? Welcome to, uh...

TAMMY
Second Fiddles.

MAX
Second Fiddles!




MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, and all other voices provided by John Pupo. Thanks for listening!