Episode 9 – Invisidude

In the aftermath of Max's tantrum, the group gets two surprise visitors.

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Transcript

FOURTH WALL
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Max kicked Linus out, due to his history of bullying and douchebaggery. Invisidude overheard Tammy’s walking man-meat on a mysterious phone call before he tried to bug the apartment. Max caught Invisidude with Tammy, and he thinks his crush is banging his sister. Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to bang one’s brother’s bully and keep it from him. Ooh, how juicy. Let’s begin.

MAX
Episode 9, Invisidude.

TAMMY
Okay, so now that you’re both here, we have a lot to talk about.

SOPHIA
May I please go first, Tammy? I would like to share digital photographs of my newly adopted kitten, Eliot.

TAMMY
No, this is important.

SOPHIA
Being responsible for a living creature is very important. And he is beautiful.

TAMMY
Fine. Send the pics to my phone or something.

SOPHIA
I will send you a link to the first three albums.

REN
Three albums? You’ve had him for less than a week!

SOPHIA
Pictures never quite seem to capture how cute his face is, especially when he is sleeping. Or awake. Or eating. Or playing. But that does not prevent me from trying!

REN
This is my fault. I encouraged this.

TAMMY
Hey, I actually have something to say.

SOPHIA
Should we not wait for Max to arrive?

TAMMY
He hasn’t come home from work yet, but he took a long lunch today, so he’s probably staying late to make up for it. Or he’s mad at me and he’s not coming back. Either way, we need to catch you up to speed.

SOPHIA
If Max is not here, who is the “we” that you are referring to?

TAMMY
Sophia, remember when we forgave you for looking into our pasts to gain intel?

SOPHIA
Yes, I am grateful for your forgiveness.

TAMMY
Good, keep that in mind. So, we’re not alone here. My friend Invisidude is here, but you can’t see him.

INVISIDUDE
Hey, Sophia. Hey, Ren.

SOPHIA
Hello, Invisidude. How do you know our names?

TAMMY
Let’s just say I told him. That’s not the point.

REN
Hi. Nice to meet you, I guess. Did Tammy finally convince you to attend one of our sad meetings? No one here is certified with any sort of professional credentials for support, if that’s what you’re looking for.

SOPHIA
Max and Tammy have brought you up on multiple occasions. I am happy to make your acquaintance. We have not yet worked together professionally.

INVISIDUDE
It’s nice to finally be able to talk to you.

REN
Finally?

TAMMY
Okay, cool, you’ve met, so now we have a lot of exposition to dump on you, okay?

SOPHIA
Please begin the dumping process. I am as curious as Eliot. Eliot is my new cat. I know I already told you, but I felt obligated to repeat it, because “curious as a cat” is an idiom.

TAMMY
I’ve known Invisidude for a while now, but we got a lot closer after I had that audition with Fourth Wall a few months ago. After he told me and Linus that he wasn’t seeing anyone else for the day, he meant that literally. Apparently, Invisidude had been his final interview, and he got the job. So, when Fourth Wall asked to speak to me, Invisidude was there too.

SOPHIA
I have many questions.

REN
Yeah, who’s Linus?

SOPHIA
And I thought Invisidude was sidekicking for Annie Conda. Has that partnership ended?

INVISIDUDE
Yeah, we’re not working together at the moment. Fourth Wall saw that my skills would be better used elsewhere, so he pulled some strings to bring me in.

SOPHIA
So you are officially Fourth Wall’s sidekick?

INVISIDUDE
Yeah, but it’s not public knowledge, so I’m more of an unofficial sidekick. Which is kind of the whole point. No one’s supposed to know I’m working with him. Otherwise, we lose the upper hand.

REN
I’m still wondering who Linus is.

TAMMY
He’s a wannabe sidekick. Today, he tried to plant a listening device in this apartment, but Invisidude disabled the bug and placed a tracer on him.

REN
What? Why?

TAMMY
We’ll get to that.

REN
Did he break in? And why was Invisidude even here?

INVISIDUDE
Um, I’m actually here a lot. Fourth Wall’s had me gaining intel on the situation for a while, so he told us when this was going to happen, so I followed Linus all day to make sure I could catch him in the act.

SOPHIA
What is the situation you are referring to?

REN
Hold up, I still want to know how he even knew where to break in. How did he know where you live?

TAMMY
He didn’t break in, I let him in.

INVISIDUDE
They’ve been... involved for a while.

TAMMY
Are you serious, dude?

INVISIDUDE
They deserve to know everything, and you weren't going to tell them.

TAMMY
You don’t know that.

INVISIDUDE
Mmhmm, yeah, sure. I need to teach you how to be a little more transparent. Like me. Because I’m literally transparent. What, nothing? What a horrible audience.

SOPHIA
I would like to know the rest of this everything that we deserve to know.

INVISIDUDE
Fourth Wall said that Max was in danger, but he wouldn’t tell us how or why, just that it was important for Tammy to get close to Linus.

REN
Ew, Tammy, he pimped you out? That is not okay.

TAMMY
No, no, he didn’t make me sleep with him, that just kind of... happened. It’s complicated. I don’t know how Linus is connected to Max, other than the fact that he bullied him in college.

SOPHIA
You began a sexual relationship with the man who tormented your brother in college? That seems rather inconsiderate of Max’s feelings.

TAMMY
First of all, I didn’t know about the bully thing until a few hours ago, so I’m not as morally corrupt as you’re probably thinking right now. And this isn’t an excuse, but Linus is like, really, really hot.

INVISIDUDE
If you’re into the self-centered guy who give off that I-own-a-yacht vibe, I guess.

TAMMY
Hey, you don’t know him like I do.

INVISIDUDE
I almost would’ve known him that well if Max hadn’t come home. You were five minutes away from screwing. At least I was able to avoid that trauma.

TAMMY
I wasn’t really going to jump him with you here, I was just coming up with a reason to leave him alone in the apartment for a while, to see what he’d do.

INVISIDUDE
So you didn’t actually need a burrito?

TAMMY
No, I did. I’m always hungry. And, in all honesty, I needed those condoms, too.

REN
What are you talking about?

TAMMY
It doesn’t matter, Ren.

SOPHIA
You just said that Max came home earlier. Please elaborate.

INVISIDUDE
Max came home during his lunch break, and found Linus here. Tammy was at the store down the block.

REN
Getting a burrito?

TAMMY
Yes.

SOPHIA
And condoms?

TAMMY
Uh, yes.

INVISIDUDE
Max saw Linus and freaked out, which makes sense, considering their prior relationship. He kicked him out before Tammy came back, and then he laid into her for inviting him to one of our meetings.

TAMMY
Why don’t you tell them your secrets, then? Take the attention off of me for a second.

SOPHIA
Invisidude, you said “one of our meetings,” rather than “one of your meetings.” Could you please explain your word choice?

INVISIDUDE
Your memory is as wonderful as always, Sophia. To elaborate, um, I’ve, uhh, kinda been here for every single meeting of Second Fiddles.

REN
What? Seriously?

INVISIDUDE
I snuck in when the pizza was delivered on the very first day, before the meeting even started. I was too nervous to say anything, so I just stayed quiet. I was here when Ren sang us all to sleep, too. I hit my head really hard when I fell. I thought I had a concussion, but I was fine. I had to sneak out the next morning.

TAMMY
What? Why haven’t you told me this? I didn’t meet with you and Fourth Wall until that morning.

INVISIDUDE
I woke up before you did, so I wasn’t as late to the auditions, but, yeah.

SOPHIA
Why did you not introduce yourself during the first meeting? I would have enjoyed meeting you. At least, before the explosions began.

INVISIDUDE
Umm, it was a little awkward. Tammy and Max were kind of talking about me, and–

TAMMY
Oh, my god. The first thing you heard when you got here was that Max has a thing for you? No wonder you didn’t say anything!

REN
If you’d said something, Max would’ve died from embarrassment and probably stopped the group altogether.

INVISIDUDE
Like I said, I didn’t want to upset anyone.

SOPHIA
Invisidude, were you the person that Ren’s dog Giles was smelling when he was communicating with Max? Were you in the kitchen?

INVISIDUDE
I was, yeah.

REN
I thought he was smelling Tammy’s kitchen sex. Are you sleeping with her too?

INVISIDUDE
What? No, no, that’s just Linus.

TAMMY
Wow, kid, you think so highly of me.

SOPHIA
Tammy steered the conversation toward her sexual encounter in the kitchen to avoid blowing Invisidude’s cover, is that correct?

TAMMY
No, not really. I mean, I thought Giles was smelling Invisidude until Max said he was smelling arousal, then I realized it was about me.

INVISIDUDE
That’s actually not completely true.

TAMMY
Ew, you perv! Being invisible doesn’t give you the right to whack off wherever you want!

INVISIDUDE
Yuck. No, that’s not what happened.

TAMMY
Spill the beans.

INVISIDUDE
I’m always wearing clothes, if that helps you paint you a picture. Anyway, umm, you were all talking about Max being into me, and it was kind of, uh, turning me on, so, umm.

TAMMY
Invisi-BLEEPing-dude, are you actually into my brother?

INVISIDUDE
I am not having this conversation with you. I can’t believe I even just admitted that.

TAMMY
Invisible and gay? Or bi. Or pan, or whatever. I don’t judge. I had no idea!

INVISIDUDE
Just because you can literally see right through me doesn’t mean that you can see right through me. I’m a really good spy.

TAMMY
Hmm, you’re better at keeping secrets than making jokes.

INVISIDUDE
Secret is my middle name, didn’t you know?

SOPHIA
I thought your middle name was Asher.

INVISIDUDE
What? How did you know that?

SOPHIA
I had researched you along with the others back when I joined the group. I mentioned this once before during the meeting in question, so you should have been aware already. Ren had asked if you were human, and I confirmed.

INVISIDUDE
Oh, right, yeah, I think I remember that. Sorry, I’m not used to anyone knowing my name.

TAMMY
Which is what?

INVISIDUDE
It’s… Elijah. But please don’t tell anyone. Also, I really hate the name Invisidude, so just call me I.D.

REN
Why did you pick a name that you hate?

ID
Every good invisible hero's name has been taken. Spectre, Ghost, Phantasm, Shadow, Invisible Boy, Invisible Man… so when someone suggested Invisidude, I just rolled with it.

REN
I get that. I’m stuck with Snoozy Susie now, because Lucid Lucy likes it, but I don’t know, it seems a bit much.

TAMMY
Lucid Lucy is a crazy psycho BLEEP, so if she likes it, you know it’s a terrible idea.

REN
Pitch isn’t great.

TAMMY
Excuse me?

REN
Pitch isn’t much better.

TAMMY
I don’t need this from you, kid.

SOPHIA
Could we please talk about Max? I want to know why he is in danger, and what Linus has to do with it.

ID
Fourth Wall doesn’t actually know. Uh, I think. If he does, he didn’t tell us.

REN
Hey, Invisi– ID. Could you turn visible so we can see who we’re talking to? It’s kind of awkward talking to a voice.

ID
What, you’ve never spoken to anyone on speaker phone before?

REN
Not when I’m in the same room as them.

ID
That was rhetorical. Besides, I can’t turn my power off, it’s always on. What you see is what you get. So, ya know. Nothing.

REN
That sucks. That must be hard.

TAMMY
If he was hard, maybe your dog would smell it again.

ID
Shut up, Tammy. You need a filter.

TAMMY
Not gonna happen.

REN
I really don’t think that’s how dog’s noses work, but who am I to doubt the science?

SOPHIA
So, what about Max?

TAMMY
We don’t know what kind of danger he’s in, just that Linus and his family pose a threat to Max, and it’s important enough for Fourth Wall to assign his sidekick to prevent it from happening.

SOPHIA
And you have known of this impending danger for months? How have you not told Max?

TAMMY
I’ve had a lot of boxed wine.

REN
Does Fourth Wall see a definite truth, or possibilities?

ID
When he sees the present or the past, it’s all accurate, but when it comes to what’s going to happen, there’s a small gray area where “probable” and “predetermined” intersect.

TAMMY
That sounds like the world’s least interesting venn diagram.

REN
If Max is at work, where’s Linus? Shouldn’t you be keeping tabs on him?

TAMMY
I’ve been tracking Linus with the tracer that ID here put on him. He’s gone nowhere near Pet Universe so far, nor has he come back toward this part of the city. Don’t worry, his location is being constantly monitored.

SOPHIA
You said “Linus and his family pose a threat to Max.” Why would his family be involved?

TAMMY
This is the classified part that we’re not supposed to tell.

ID
But we’re going to anyway?

TAMMY
Hell, yeah. So, Linus’s father is none other than the criminal mastermind, MacGuffin. He has an older sibling that’s supposed to be involved in this, too, but Fourth Wall didn’t have any more details.

ID
Wow, I am so getting fired after this.

REN
Uh, Sophia? Now might be a good time to share something with the rest of the group.

SOPHIA
You are correct, Ren. However, I do not want to.

REN
I’m not telling them for you, this is your story.

TAMMY
What are you talking about?

SOPHIA
Evidence has led me to believe that MacGuffin is my father, which would mean that Linus is my brother. So, I may be the sibling in question.

TAMMY
BLEEP, are you kidding me?

SOPHIA
I am not kidding you.

TAMMY
Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?

SOPHIA
I am much closer to Ren. I honestly do not know you as well, so I did not know if I could trust you with such delicate information.

TAMMY
What, there’s no, like, girl-power solidarity stuff?

SOPHIA
Tammy, we have had zero one-on-one time since we met. If it was not for my friendship with Ren, we would fail the Bechdel test, and we could be seen as anti-feminist for spending our time discussing men.

TAMMY
Wouldn’t it be worse than not talking at all?

ID
I don’t know what this has to do with feminism. Ren, did Sophia fill you in on everything?

REN
Yeah. For the sake of time, here’s what’s up: Sophia found a hair at the bombing site near MacGuffin’s tank treadmarks. She tested it, and the only match in the system was herself.

TAMMY
That’s a lot to process, but, um, okay, so maybe the part that you have to play is helping us stop MacGuffin. Your father. Oh god, please don’t hate me for sleeping with your brother.

SOPHIA
I do not care either way. Worst case scenario, you can be my sister-in-law!

TAMMY
Uh, yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Wait a minute, Linus said he grew up with an older sibling. That implies that he knows that person, so that can’t be you, Sophia.

SOPHIA
It could still be me. We could have grown up together, but I may simply not remember any of it.

TAMMY
Or, you could be a surprise third sibling that neither one was aware of.

SOPHIA
That is also possible.

ID
Just to play devil’s advocate for a second, what if that hair you found wasn’t MacGuffin’s, and the whole thing is just a red herring?

TAMMY
Wow, I just realized I haven’t made a reference to any obscure henchies today. I’ve been way too flustered!

SOPHIA
Which henchperson are you referring to?

TAMMY
This is a twofer, actually. There is, in fact, a henchie named Devil’s Advocate. She’s got that whole Jekyll and Hyde split personality thing going on. There’s also a henchie named Red Herring. She’s a mermaid, but flipped the other way. Human body, fish head. It sounds gross, and it’s actually worse than you’re imagining.

ID
Come on, we’re not going to accomplish anything if we don’t focus and get to the task at hand.

REN
What exactly is the task at hand? Wait for Max to get home from work and lock him in his room for safety? Do you have a plan?

TAMMY
Absolutely not. How can we have a plan for something we don’t know anything about?

REN
Fourth Wall sounds about as confusing as Lucy. I wish I could be dealing with someone straightforward for once in my life.

TAMMY
Fourth Wall is old, and weird, and vague, but he means well. Lucid Lucy is just a BLEEP.

SOPHIA
We should call Max to see if he is on his way home yet. That would make me feel better.

TAMMY
I already sent him a couple texts, but he’s probably really pissed at me.

SOPHIA
You engaged in a sexual relationship with someone who bullied him. I believe that he has the right to be upset.

SOUND: LIGHT TAPPING ON GLASS

TAMMY
Uh, yeah, but he doesn’t know that part.

SOPHIA
Then, why would he not want to talk to you?

SOUND: LIGHT TAPPING ON GLASS

TAMMY
Max thinks that Linus was just over for the meeting, which was bad enough, but he caught me talking to Invisidude after that. And he saw the condoms I bought. So, he made an assumption. He stormed out before we could explain.

REN
Max thinks you and ID are hooking up?

SOPHIA
No wonder he is upset, considering his feelings.

SOUND: TAPPING ON GLASS

ID
Does anyone else hear that?

REN
Uh, so, there’s a bird at the window?

TAMMY
What? Ugh, it’s Eloise.

SOPHIA
Max’s falcon companion? It looks as if she is carrying something.

TAMMY
Ugh, let her in.

SOUND: WINDOW BEING OPENED
SOUND: WING BEATS, PEREGRINE FALCON VOCALIZATION, MORE WING BEATS

REN
Geez, she left in a hurry.

TAMMY
She hates me, so that tracks.

ID
The note she was carrying, what did it say?

SOUND: UNRAVELING ROLLED UP PAPER

TAMMY
It’s from The Stag. I can tell because it looks like a kindergarten wrote it.

REN
That’s mean.

TAMMY
He has hooves, so he has to write with his mouth. He doesn’t have a phone, so when he really needs Max, he sends an animal messenger.

REN
That’s old-school. What did people do before cell phones?

TAMMY
You’re such a fetus. Stop making me feel old and shut the window while I try to decipher this gibberish.

REN
Sorry.

SOUND: CLOSE WINDOW

TAMMY
Guys, we have a problem.

SOPHIA
 What does it say?

TAMMY
Max isn’t coming home from work.

ID
Is he okay?

TAMMY
His car is still at Pet Universe, but he’s not there. Looks like someone grabbed him in the parking lot. There are tank treadmarks at the site.

SOPHIA
MacGuffin must have been there, driving the PLOT.

ID
What?

REN
It's his tank. He calls it the PLOT.

SOPHIA
It is an acronym.

ID
Oh, uh, okay.

TAMMY
I hope you all have your costumes on hand, because we need to go.

SOPHIA
Do you think Max is with Linus?

TAMMY
I don’t know. Let me check his location on my phone. Umm, sorry, this thing is slow. Okay, yeah, Linus is on the move.

REN
Shouldn’t we run this by our heroes first?

ID
What heroes? Lucid Lucy is only useful when someone’s sleeping; the Stag can’t fit through doorways; Smasher isn’t on the planet right now; and Fourth Wall is a senior citizen with no practical skills.

REN
But what about the rest of the B league? Or even the C league?

TAMMY
Football’s on tonight, they probably won’t even check their phones.

REN
I don’t know if we should go chasing after a supervillain...

TAMMY
Do what you want, but this is Max. I’m not waiting another second.

ID
We’ll need all of us, if we’re going up against MacGuffin. Sophia, ready to meet your dad?

SOPHIA
I am not.

ID
Good, let’s move out. We can take my car.

REN
You drive a car?

ID
No, I fly an invisible jet– Of course I have a car, how else would I get around?

REN
I don’t know. Walk?

ID
Remind me when this is all over to teach Ren how invisibility works. Okay, so I have a few sets of sonic dampeners with me, they’re like high-tech ear plugs that filter out certain frequencies, in case Pitch’s powers come into play. I’ll pass them out when we’re on the road. Tammy, you ready?

TAMMY
If they’ve hurt Max, I swear to God, I’m gonna scream all the skin off their bodies.

ID
I can’t wait to have that image burned into my memory forever. Do you know where we’re going?

TAMMY
I think Linus is heading toward the docks, but Eloise knows where the tank went. The Stag’s note says that she’ll be outside waiting for us.

ID
10-4.

TAMMY
I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but, let’s go follow that bird.

MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo, and Invisidude is voiced by Nick B. Thanks for listening!