Episode 66 – Dream, Part 2

On his quest to find the Dream Gem and his long-lost mother, Linus continues his journey through a blatant parody of The Wizard of Oz.

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Transcript

66 - Dream, Part 2

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Linus traveled into his journal——to find his mother and to look for the Dream Gem. Little did he expect his journey to take the form of a Wizard of Oz parody. I personally adore this, as my birth name is Dorothy, and my sister Frankie was named after L. Frank Baum. Our friend Gale is also aptly named. Anyway, back to the story. We pick up where we left off, with Linus and his companions headed toward the Emerald City.
They’re off to see the Wizard!

MAT
Episode 66: Dream, Part 2.

LINUS
Look, everybody! Look! The Emerald City!

CAM
Fucking finally. Have you seen how short my legs are?

LINUS
Hey, dog, try to stay positive.

CAM
I’m as positive as my last heartworm test.

SOPHIA
I am happy that my stiff robot legs were able to carry me this far!

MAX
Emerald City? Gosh, it's all so… green!

GALE
And with turrets and towers and-- Look how big it is!

LINUS
But how do we get in? This wall goes all around everything.

ELIJAH
It most certainly does!

GALE
Look! At the top of the wall.

LINUS
Oh, who are you!?

 ELIJAH
That's my question. Who are you?

SOPHIA
If you will let us in, we will be glad to tell you.

ELIJAH
Let you in, huh? Well, you look harmless enough. Open the gates of Emerald City!

 LINUS
We can go in! The gates are opening!

ELIJAH
Well, that's the general idea of gates, isn't it?

ELIJAH
Kindly step forward and state your business.

LINUS
Uh, we want to see the Wizard, please.

ELIJAH
The Wizard? Nobody can see the great Oz. Nobody's ever seen the great Oz. Even I have never seen him!

LINUS
Oh, please. The Good Pitch of the North sent me here.

ELIJAH
Prove it.

GALE
He's wearing the ruby sneakers she gave him!

ELIJAH
Well, so he is!

LINUS
Then you'll take us to the Wizard?

ELIJAH
Absolutely not! He’s… getting a colonic. Yes, he’s totally unavailable.

SALLY
(cackles off in the distance)

GALE
Look! Up there in the sky!

ELIJAH
Huh? Well! That's quite a trick, isn't it?

GALE
Linus, it’s skywriting!

SOPHIA
Letters of black smoke all across the sky!

MAX
Wh-wh-what does it say?

LINUS
It's the Wicked Bitch! It says - it says, "Surrender Linus"!

CAM
With a dick and balls next to it.

SALLY
(OFF, CACKLES)

ELIJAH
Linus? Who's Linus?

LINUS
I’m Linus.

 ELIJAH
The Bitch’s Linus?

LINUS
Yes! Please, you have to bring us to the Wizard! It's the only way I'll ever be able to get home.

ELIJAH
It doesn’t matter why, I won’t do it!

LINUS
I know I need to get the Dream Gem, too, but really, I just want to see my mom again.

ELIJAH
What's that?

LINUS
I haven’t seen her in years! She traveled into this book to hide from my evil dad, and now it looks like she’s turned it all into Oz, but maybe the Dream Gem did that? I don’t know, but I miss her so much, I’d do anything to see her again, even if it’s only for like 5 minutes.

ELIJAH
I'll… I’ll get you to the Wizard. Somehow.

GALE
You changed your mind?

ELIJAH
You see, I - I had a mom once myself, and I miss her terribly. Oh, this is all highly irregular, but just follow me.

GALE
Gosh, he just left us in this chamber. It's really spooky, huh?

LINUS
He said the Wizard would be waiting for us.

MAX
I'm closing my eyes. Just tell me when it's all over. This freakin’ sucks!

MACGUFFIN
Silence!

 SOPHIA
Who is that?

MACGUFFIN
I am Oz! The great and powerful!

 LINUS
Aw, man, I thought the wizard here would be my mom, not him!

GALE
You know the Wizard?

LINUS
(groan) It’s my dad.

SOPHIA
Where is he? I cannot see him.
 
MACGUFFIN
Silence! You shall never see me!

 LINUS
Hold your horses, we just have to tell you something!

MACGUFFIN
Nobody ever tells me anything! I know everything! You're a silly boy who wants a gem. And you, Robot?

SOPHIA
Yes, Wizard?

MACGUFFIN
Clinking and clattering for a heart! And you, scarecrow?

GALE
Me, sir?

MACGUFFIN
A billowing bale of bovine breakfast food begging for a brain! And you, Buckley!?

MAX
Ooooooooooooh.

LINUS
Oh, deer! He's fainted!

GALE
Oh, Buckley, Buckley, wake up. The Wizard'll be awfully mad.

LINUS
Hey, you oughta be ashamed of yourself!

MACGUFFIN
I - I what?

LINUS
Frightening the poor fearful deer boy like that, when he came to you for help!

CAM
Being disembodied is no excuse to be a fuckface! I know that, and I’m a literal bitch!

MACGUFFIN
Silence! The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests. But you must first prove worthy!

LINUS
Oh, god. What do we have to do? I hope this doesn’t turn into a Saw style torture thing.

MACGUFFIN
Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Bitch of the West.

SOPHIA
But… we will have to kill her to get it!

CAM
Couldn’t we just steal it? Jesus, sentient robots just love to kill! 

MACGUFFIN
Bring me her broomstick and I'll grant your requests!

MAX
But what if she kills us first?

MACGUFFIN
Silence! Leave the great gates of Emerald City  and head to the Bitch’s castle. Now go!

LINUS
Fine, geez. You know, considering how many times I’ve seen this movie, I should’ve known to go to the Bitch’s castle in the first place.

CAM
Don’t get down, pal, the narrative flow had to be followed closely in order for the satire to be effective!

LINUS
Hey, you’re right! Let’s do this shit!

GALE
That's the spirit, Linus! Come on, Buckley.

SOPHIA
We are not afraid.

MAX
Speak for yourself! I’m so scared I dropped a few pellets!

CAM
No worries, I’ll clean up!

SFX: CAM CHEWING

SOPHIA
Let us go and get that broomstick!

CAM
Yeah, and shove it up her ass!

LINUS
No!! We need it for the wizard.

CAM
To shove it up his ass?

LINUS
No. Just… no.

SALLY
(EVIL LAUGHTER) And they think I don't know about it. They think they'll take me by surprise. Ah, at last I'll have them in my power -- the entitled brat, his nasty dog, and the magic ruby sneakers! (CACKLES MANIACALLY)

TAMMY
Well, if Linus is ever to get back home to Rose City–

GALE
And if I'm ever to have a brain–

SOPHIA
And I a heart–

MAX
And me, some Xanax–

TAMMY
Then Linus must first get the broomstick of the Wicked Bitch and bring it back to the Wizard of Oz. But the Wicked Bitch, unfortunately, sent her flying monkey minions after our heroes, and they came back with a prize. Now, in her bleak and dismal castle, the Bitch gloats over a newly-captured prisoner… 

SALLY
(CACKLES) Excuse me for laughing, but it was so easy to capture you that I can't help it.

LINUS
At least my friends got away. And my asshole dog, too!

SALLY
What do I care about them? It's you and the magic ruby sneakers I wanted. I had every one of my flying monkeys on the search for you. Now give me those red Chuck Taylors!

LINUS
No! The good Pitch told me not to! And, also, you’re the bad guy, so, for obvious reasons… no!

SALLY
Fool that I am, I should know the sneakers will never come off as long as you're alive!

LINUS
You-- You mean--?

SALLY
Ahhhh! Yes, I’m going to murder your ass!
Now, how shall I do it?! I think I'll make up a special batch of poison. Yes! That ought to do it -- some nice, fresh poison! (CACKLES)

 GALE
Look! Robot, Buckley, look!

 CAM
Bark! Hey, bitches! Bark!

 GALE
Look! Robot, Buckley, look!

MAX
Oh, we're fucked, all right. Linus’ dog is probably leading the Bitch’s monkeys right here to our hiding place!

CAM 
“Linus’ dog”? I’m a free bitch, baby! Now come on, misfit dipshits, the Bitch caught Linus — we need to save him! 

GALE
We can't fail him now -- we can't!

SOPHIA
We need to go to the castle!

MAX
I'll go! Bitch or no Bitch, I'll tear all those flying monkeys apart! I'll gore them with my antlers! I may not come out alive, but I'm goin’ in there!

GALE
Oh, Buckley, that's wonderful.

MAX
There's only one thing I want you to do!

SOPHIA
What's that?

 MAX
Talk me out of it...

GALE
Oh, no, you don't. Come what may, we're going to rescue Linus.

SOPHIA
All right, dog! Show us the way!
 
CAM
Linus is right behind this door!

LINUS
Hey! You came for me!

GALE
We would never leave you behind!

LINUS
The door is locked! A flying monkey has the key!

SOPHIA
How do we know which one? There are so many!

LINUS
It had a big blue butt.

GALE
Oh, look, a blue-rumped baboon just walked right in!

BLUE
Are you talking about me?

MAX
Oh, god! Look how big his teeth are!

BLUE
Come on, my teeth are normal monkey size!

SOPHIA
Give us the key to this door, or we will end your life!

CAM
Seriously, when did she turn into a killer robot? 

BLUE
Why would I give you the key? The scarecrow just called me a baboon. That’s like, super insulting.

GALE
I thought that’s what you were!

BLUE
I’m a mandrill, not a baboon. A MAN-DRILL. We’re known for our thicc blue cheeks.

CAM
Damn it, no time for dick jokes, we have a plot to move…

BLUE
Hey, that’s fine, I’ve been called a dick many, many times in my life.

SOPHIA
Will you give us the key if she apologizes?

BLUE
Umm, I guess so?

GALE
I’m so sorry, mister mandrill! Your butt is as lovely as your appropriately-sized teeth!

BLUE
That’s better! Fine, here’s the key.

MAX
Won’t your boss get mad at you for helping us?

BLUE
Uh, she’s super mean. They don’t call her Bitch for nothin’!

SOPHIA
Thank you, mandrill!

BLUE
Whatevs, weirdos. I’m gonna go eat some bugs off another
monkey’s back now. Peace out!

LINUS
You saved me! I knew you’d come find me!

MAX
I wasn’t scared or anything!

CAM
Yeah, the trail of deer turds sure says otherwise. But at least we can follow them out.

LINUS
Thanks anyway.

GALE
We’ve gotta get out of here!

SALLY
Going so soon?

MAX
It’s the Bitch! The Wicked Bitch!

SALLY
Why, my little party's just about to begin. Thought you were being pretty foxy, huh? Now I've got the whole lot of you. Let's see -- how shall I start the fun? You first, scarecrow! (CACKLES) How about another ball of fire?

GALE
No! No, no, no -- not that! Not fire!

LINUS
No!

GALE
Help! I'm burning! I'm burning!

LINUS
I'll help you! This bucket of water--!

SALLY
Water? No! No! Put down that water!

GALE
Oh, thank you, Linus, thank you!

SALLY
Ohhhh! You cursed brat! You've killed me! You've killed me!

CAM
What’s happening to her face?

MAX
Look! The Bitch, she’s melting!

LINUS
Oh, duh, water melts her. I almost forgot!

SALLY
What? Of course not! Water can’t melt a person! We’re made of mostly water!

SOPHIA
Then why does your face look like that?

SALLY
My mascara isn’t water-proof, you treacherous little demons! I’m hideous now! Hideous!

SOPHIA
Oh. I really thought we were going to kill her.

CAM
Listen, Bitch. Give us your broom and I won’t sic this killer robot on you.

SALLY
She does have an evil glint in her eye…

SOPHIA
My hands are made of metal, and so strong they could easily strangle the life out of someone!

SALLY
Uhh, yeah, just take it. I’m teaching the monkeys how to play quidditch, so I ordered a couple dozen extra brooms last month.

LINUS
Got it!

SALLY
Now get out of here! I have to go reapply my Maybelline! Ugh!

SOPHIA
So, no murder then?

CAM
Pretty sure you DO have a heart, it’s just full of murder for some reason.

MAX
Uh-oh, I think I just shat again.

SALLY
MY CARPET!!

LINUS
Let’s just go, okay?

GALE
Onward, to Emerald City!

ELIJAH
I can't believe my eyes. You've come back to the Emerald City!

LINUS
And we did exactly what the grumpy old asshole asked us to do— got the Bitch’s broomstick!

GALE
And now, if you don't mind taking us to the Wizard–

SOPHIA
You see, he promised us he would take us–

ELIJAH
But, uh-- Promised you--? Broomstick--? Hoo hoo hoo. What an unhappy situation.

GALE
Unhappy? After all we've gone through?

ELIJAH
Oh, I'm glad there's no one else around to hear this.

LINUS
Hear what?

ELIJAH
Oh, Linus, there is no great and powerful Wizard of Oz; that is, I am the Wizard.

LINUS
But he spoke to us himself. It was my dad.

ELIJAH
I spoke to you. Oh, it was no great trick -- a dark room, some smoke, a voice modulator. Your own imagination did the rest.

GALE
Why, you - you jerk!

ELIJAH
Exactly.

LINUS
Dude, what the hell?

ELIJAH
I'm just a very bad wizard...

GALE
What about the heart you promised the robot?

MAX
And the scarecrow’s brain?

ELIJAH
Well, anybody can have a brain; that's a very mediocre commodity.

GALE
Well, I don't have one.

ELIJAH
You actually do. If you didn’t have a brain, you wouldn’t be able to, you know, live. Your brain is just very, very small.

GALE
Oh. Really?!

ELIJAH
Indeed. And the robot can’t have a heart, because she’s an android, not a cyborg. That’s not how anatomy works.

SOPHIA
Oh, no!

ELIJAH
Don’t worry, without a heart or a conscience, you can have a brilliant career as a bounty hunter. Or president of the United States. You’ll be perfect!

SOPHIA
Oooh! Delightful!

MAX
And-and what about my courage?

ELIJAH
You, my dear deer boy… need to see a doctor.

MAX
Wha— what?

ELIJAH
You need competent psychiatric help, not a wizard! Emotional problems can’t be solved with a wave of a wand. 

CAM
This wizard is such a dick. Linus, what’s going on? I thought this was supposed to be your mom!

LINUS
I know, I thought so too!

ELIJAH
Your mom? Who’s your mom?

LINUS
She’s Bookworm. She created this world!

ELIJAH
Oh! Well, I can’t help you there. Unless…

LINUS
Unless what?

ELIJAH
What was that?

 MAX
Look what's coming!

ELIJAH
A bubble! Who's been blowing bubbles around here?

CAM
You can call me Bubbles, because I don’t mind being blown!

SOPHIA
There is someone in it!

LINUS
It's the Good Pitch!

TAMMY
Why, yes, it is!

LINUS
You’ve gotta know how to help me.

TAMMY
You don't need my help, stud. You've always had the power to get what you came for.

LINUS
I have?

 MAX
Then why didn't you tell him before?

TAMMY
Because he had to learn on his own. Also, I was distracted– those guns, am I right? When I was floating in here, I could see his arms from like a mile away.

GALE
What have you learned, Linus?

LINUS
Well, to be honest… Nothing. I haven’t learned jack shit.

TAMMY
You know, I once met a hench-munchkin named Jack Shit. He was part jack-rabbit, and had a condition called coprophagia that made him eat his own feces.

CAM
Don’t knock it ‘til you try it!

LINUS
Uhh, okay.

MAX
So, what? You’re stuck here with no idea how to get back home? That sounds really scary!

ELIJAH
It’s more sad than scary. When I was first stranded here, I was so lonely. That’s why I created a fictitious wizard persona to manipulate the people of this kingdom!

CAM
Dude, what the fuck.

ELIJAH
Oh, whatever. Everyone needs a hobby!

SOPHIA
Now I know I have a heart, because it is breaking. No, never mind. That is just the bloodlust.

LINUS
This is impossible.

MAX
Nothing’s impossible. You might just need to get creative!

GALE
Yes, get creative!

SOPHIA
Or kill people.

CAM
Does this robot have a good-evil switch or something? Can I be a switch-hitter?

TAMMY
What does your heart truly desire, Linus? Why did you partake on this quest?

LINUS
I need to find the Dream Gem, if it’s here, and I want to see my mom!

ELIJAH
What does this Dream Gem look like?

LINUS
I don’t know. Gem-ish…?

ELIJAH
The power source for this entire city is a single green magical emerald. Could that be it?

LINUS
Wait— Seriously?

ELIJAH
Yes! I keep it on me at all times. It’s on this necklace.

LINUS
Could I… see it?

ELIJAH
Of course, my boy. Anything to help a fellow lost soul.

LINUS
Thanks…

GALE
Oh! It’s so green and shiny!

TAMMY
That is a very powerful emerald. I can feel the magical energy!

LINUS
I can’t believe it was this easy.

ELIJAH
I mean, without the power source, the Emerald City will fall to ruin and its denizens will die horribly. But, we’re imaginary anyway, right? So… no harm, no foul.

LINUS
Uhh, I guess.

ELIJAH
I’m just messing with you! We’ll be fine.

TAMMY
Linus, are you ready for your dreams to come true?

LINUS
I should probably say bye to everyone first…

MAX
I know you have to leave, but I wish you wouldn’t.

LINUS
Goodbye, Fearful Deer Boy. I know it isn't right, but I'm gonna miss the way you shit yourself in terror. I’ll always picture the yellow brick road caked with your poopy little deer pellets.

MAX
I always thought I was a coward. I would’ve never known I just have anxiety if it hadn't been for you.

ELIJAH
Literally anyone could’ve told you that. You’re a fucking mess, kid. 

LINUS
And Robot, I… never made a personal connection with you. Please don’t murder everyone as soon as I leave.

SOPHIA
No promises.

LINUS
And, Scarecrow— I think I'll miss you most of all.

CAM
Wow, fuck you.

GALE
Goodbye, dear friend.

 TAMMY
Are you ready now?

 LINUS
Yeah, I'm ready. Say goodbye, dog.

CAM
Good riddance, dipshits! I mean, uh, bark! Bark!

MUSIC

TAMMY
Now close your eyes and think to yourself, "There's——

LINUS
There's no place like home. Yeah, I remember. Am I supposed to click my heels in these ruby converse, too?

TAMMY
You know, those chucks used to be white. They’re only red because the Wicked Bitch of the East exploded and they’re soaked with her blood.

LINUS
Oh my god, what?! Is that why my socks are wet?

TAMMY
Anyway, no, don’t wish to go home. Just ask for what you want.

LINUS
It’s that simple?

TAMMY
Yes, my darling studmuffin.

LINUS
Okay… I… wish for my mom to be here.

LINUS
Wh-where did Pitch and the Wizard go? Dammit, it didn’t work! My mom’s not here!

MAX
Yeah, umm, about that…

GALE
It didn’t work because…

SOPHIA
Because I’ve been here the whole time.

LINUS
What? But you’re not my mom!

MAX
Honey, I know this isn’t what you were hoping for…

GALE
But I wanted to go on this journey with you.

SOPHIA
You’re a remarkable young man, Linus. I’m proud of the hero you’ve become.

LINUS
Is everyone here my mom? Or just the three of you?

MAX
Just us. The munchkins, the wizard, and the Good Pitch were created from your imagination.

LINUS
Oh. Is it… really you?

GALE
It is. I’ve missed you so much.

LINUS
Oh, mom!

GALE
Ready for a bear hug?

LINUS
You bet!

GALE
Lions…

SOPHIA
And tigers…

MAX
And bear hugs…

LINUS
Oh, my! I’ve missed this.

GALE
Me too.

LINUS
Wait, why was the robot so bloodthirsty?

SOPHIA
You always liked the Terminator movies.

LINUS
Why… why don’t you look like yourself?

MAX
I’m afraid my body is long gone. I don’t know exactly where it goes when I’m inside a book, but I must have stayed past the threshold.

LINUS
Does that mean you’re stuck here… forever?

GALE
It does. I may not have a physical form anymore, and I can’t join you in the outside world, but as long as this book exists, I’ll be here.

SOPHIA
The Dream Gem was a gift from your father, when he first realized I was miserable. He thought if I was distracted, it would keep me happy and I wouldn’t leave him.

MAX
Normally, my power lets me enter books, but I was never able to change the plot or the characters. I would exist in the world as it was written, like a bystander. But the Dream Gem changed all that.

LINUS
Is that how were you able to write back to me when I wrote in the journal?

GALE
It was, yes. But I can’t do that anymore. I think when my physical body… died, I lost my ability to communicate with the outside world.

LINUS
Mom…

SOPHIA
Linus, I know this is hard, but you’ll be okay. And I’m not gone forever. You can come back and visit me anytime.

LINUS
But, if I take the Dream Gem, what happens to you, and this world? Will you be stranded in the blank pages of my journal?

MAX
I don’t believe so. The gem helped me create this place, but when you take it home with you, everything should stay as it is. I just won’t be able to change it anymore.

LINUS
I can’t leave you like that!

GALE
It’s okay, truly. It’s not just Oz in here. There’s Narnia, and Middle-earth, and so many other worlds. I even incorporated those adorable Redwall books with the talking animals.

LINUS
Are you… are you sure?

SOPHIA
I am, sweetheart. If you don’t take the gem, Rose might destroy this journal, so the safest thing to do, for all of us, is to take it and keep it out of her hands.

LINUS
But how will I get back in here to see you again? What if I lose the gem or we have to destroy it or something?

MAX
I’ve created a pathway that only my children can enter. You didn’t even need Lucid Lucy to send you here, you could have done it all on your own. And that will remain even without the gem.

LINUS
If you know about Rose and Lucid Lucy, that means you’ve been reading everything I’ve written to you?

GALE
I might not be able to respond, but yes, I know everything. I even know about my other daughter…

LINUS
Silver is a lot like you, Mom. She’s… funny, and kind, and loves with her whole heart.

SOPHIA
I’m so happy. Between Silver, and Tammy and Max, and your other hero friends, and your uncle Fourth Wall, you have the family you deserve.

LINUS
But it won’t be the same. How can I ever be happy knowing that you’re not there with me?

MAX
Happiness is not a state of being, honey. Think about it, would you  say that you haven’t had any fun during all the years I’ve been away? You’ve never had one moment of happiness with Tammy?

LINUS
No, of course I’ve been happy, but—

GALE
Exactly. No one can be happy all the time. Everyone carries sadness with them. But you keep living as well as you can.

LINUS
But I’ve spent this whole time hoping that you would be able to take walks with me, and watch movies, and get lunch, and… and dance with me at my wedding…

SOPHIA
Oh, honey… I— I…

LINUS
This is Dad’s fault. If he hadn’t treated you so terribly, this wouldn’t have happened! If he wasn’t mind-wiped and rotting in the Island, I’d… I’d…

MAX
Kill him? I know you, son. You’re not a murderer.

LINUS
I know, but— it’s not fair! He doesn’t even have to remember it, much less feel any remorse!

GALE
He didn’t feel guilt even when he was aware of what he did. This was always going to happen, Linus. You’re going to have to accept that. Not today, but… one day.

LINUS
No, I… I understand. I’m kinda lucky, I guess. Once all this drama with Rose and the eternity gems is over, we can spend more time together. Does that… sound okay? I could bring Silver with me.

SOPHIA
I think that would be nice.

LINUS
Mom, I think I should go now. If I stay any longer, I’m never gonna leave.

MAX
I understand. I’m going to miss you, son.

LINUS
I love you.

GALE
I love you too. You know… from a Mama Bear to her cub… You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

LINUS
Ditto.

SOPHIA
Now, imagine your world, with your feet on the ground. Close your eyes and really picture it. When you open your eyes, you should be back in reality.

LINUS
I’ll try my best. Bye, Mom.

MAX
Bye, son. Good luck. You know what they say…

GALE
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly.

SOPHIA
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why… can’t I?

SFX: LINUS LANDING ON GROUND

LINUS
I made it!

CRAMPUS
Oh my god, you’re okay!

LINUS
Noelle! Why are we in the woods?

CRAMPUS
I’ve been running for like an hour. I don’t even know where I am anymore. Rose is after me!

LINUS
Rose?! Why? What happened?

CRAMPUS
I think she killed Lucid Lucy. I barely got away with the journal!

LINUS
Holy BLEEP. Holy BLEEP!

CRAMPUS
Did you get the Dream Gem?

LINUS
Yes! It’s on this necklace.

ROSE
Come out, come out, wherever you are! Be a good little sidekick and surrender yourself!

CRAMPUS
No! We have to move!

SFX: FORCEFIELD SWOOSH

LINUS
I don’t think she’ll be able to find us in this invisible forcefield.

CRAMPUS
We need to get to Blue Moon, Lucid Lucy said he might be able to hide us from Rose!

LINUS
Gotcha. Here, hold my hand. We’re going to have to run a little more. Do you have any juice left?

CRAMPUS
I don’t know, I have a charlie-horse.

LINUS
Can you use your powers to relax your own muscles?

CRAMPUS
I don’t know, I’ve never tried! Hold on.

SFX: CRAMP POWER WAVES

CRAMPUS
Oh, wow, good as new!

LINUS
I used to hike here when I was a kid. I think I know where we are.

ROSE
Ollie ollie oxen-free! You can’t run forever!

LINUS
We have to go. Now!

CRAMPUS
Lead the way!

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Crampus is voiced by Gwen Brown, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Sally is voiced by Jenny Gibson, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, Gale is voiced by Betsy Harris, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Rose is voiced by Chrisi Talyn Saje, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, and tumblr at Second Fiddles. We’re also on threads and blue sky! Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com.

This episode was adapted from the Lux Radio Theatre version of The Wizard of Oz, which was based on the 1939 film. It first aired in 1950, and featured Judy Garland reprising her role as Dorothy Gale. Also, thanks to Chrisi Talyn Saje, who voices Rose, for inspiring me to adapt a radio script for a Second Fiddles parody. If you enjoy old time radio parodies, you’ll love her podcast, Madison on the Air! Check it out!

Thank you for listening to Second Fiddles. Toodle-loo!