Encouragement for Positive Action with Kendra McGaha

EP018

In this episode, I'm talking to Kendra McGaha, an aggressive encourager and podcast host of I trip over flat surfaces podcast. Her show is about encouragement and a place where we can all stumble through life together, while learning and improving on our self development.  

We discuss:

• Acknowledging areas for self improvement
• Taking Positive Action
• Celebrate the Positive, Not focus on the Negative
• Deciding to take action
• Actions towards BIG dreams
• Self-care as Positive Action
• Its not race day every day
• Levels of Energy
• Hustle - a swindle?
• Leadership and Goals - not just for business?
• Transferable Skills
• Opportunity in Positive Action
• Fear 
• Encouragement
• I Trip Over Flat Surfaces Podacast

Connect with Kendra:

Encouragement | I Trip Over Flat Surfaces

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Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Welcome to the everyday determinator podcast with your host, no Kaffir, founder of the determinator Collective, we want to help you get off that hamster wheel of life and turn you into an everyday the Terminator by sharing stories for Americans who have overcome varying challenges in life and careers and by reviewing and signposting you to helpful resources to start you on the journey to achieving your goals. For more information on the determinator collective, please visit www.un okafor.co.uk Thanks for listening determinator.

Anne Okafor: 0:50

Hello, and welcome to the everyday determinator podcast. In this episode, I'm talking to Kendra McGaha, and aggressive encourager and podcast host I trip over flat surfaces podcast. Her short is about encouragement and a place where we can all stumble through life together, while learning and improving on ourselves development as we go with practical views, and tips to help you take charge of your thoughts. Hi, Kendra, it's great to have you with us.

Kendra McGaha: 1:17

Hi, thank you for having me. And it's very nice to be here. Thank you for having me as a guest.

Anne Okafor: 1:24

You're very welcome. I'm really looking forward to speaking to, especially about your thoughts about encouragement, I know that's something that's big in your, in your journey. And, you know, you've been on your own journey of self development. And you talk a lot about the power of the words that we speak to ourselves, you know, allowing them to take up what you call our valuable mind, space mental place, and how that impacts us, and how encouragement can also be life changing. So tell us a little bit about you and your journey of self development. What was the catalyst? And what got you to this point of doing this podcast? The aim is to help others along their journeys,

Kendra McGaha: 2:03

right? I mean, what you mean everyday is a journey right of our life. And I think that at some point, we have to come to a realisation of what's going to truly make us progress and get better in life. And so I, many, many years ago, started on a what I thought was a journey of self development, and it turned out really be mentally harming. And instead of moving myself forward, I spent many years just sort of in the same cesspool, so to speak of self bias, negative self bias. So instead of you know, looking at how I could learn how to communicate better, I got stuck into why can I communicate better? I'm a horrible communicator, I never get it right, as opposed to really trying to find ways to have thoughts that could, yes, recognise the fact that I need to be a better communicator. But what also did I communicate well? And how can I capitalise on that? To sort of strengthen those strong points and capitalise on those and helped me with the weaker points. So it took me many years to recognise that I was doing that because I think it happens gradually, you know, we just have a thought one day, right? And that thought turns into something that we stay with. And I say stay with, you know, don't think terms of meditation and the thought of like, you're sitting there in your yoga pose, right? And you're saying, Hmm, you know, I mean, we meditate on something that we think of constantly. I mean, it's, it's the same definition. So just that constant thought of not getting it right. Or if someone pointed something out, like, oh, sure, you know, I'm not getting it right again. And it took me a long time to get to a point where I felt like I was worth making a stronger effort to really change and sort of rewire the thoughts that I was having, and move myself to a place that would be personal growth, and not just stagnant. And so I had to recognise that I am a person that's valuable. I have value. I am a person who's special. I am a person who my strengths are my strengths. And they're meant to be my strengths, and that's okay. And let's work with those strengths that I do have and move forward. So, you know, many years of that, and finally getting to a place where feeling good about that feeling good about myself again, and saying, Hey, okay, let's just use impatience. That's an Example. Because how many times do we all have issues with impatience? And so instead of saying, oh my gosh, I lost my patience again, with my husband, or if you have kids and kids, or if you're training an animal or something like that, and then thinking, Okay, it's not about the moment that just happened, it's in the past, I would have lost my patience long before now. And so let's celebrate the fact that I up and it took many days for me to get to this point. And let's celebrate that. And okay, so I did lose my patience here. But why did I lose my patience here? Is it because I came unprepared? Because I didn't have the tools that I needed to. So let's look at those areas. And not just the fact that I lost the patience and get down on myself about that. So I'll kind of a long answer. To your question.

Anne Okafor: 5:58

I think you've touched on some really good points, I think that you're talking about the patients, for example, no, I'm plastic, you know, offender, as well. And I think we all do that we all have something and I think it is refocusing from the negative on to the positive. And Tim, well, it took me a week, you know, I did better this time. And actually, the really important thing is noticing why? You know, and oftentimes, it's things that we can control as well, you know, was I unprepared? So what can I do next time, so that I'm not in that position? What can you know, if it's the tools do I need to go and ask for the tools, do I need to go and find the tools purchase on resource them, you know, and then that gives me a positive action then to take and make some as well. And when you're working towards a positive action, I think, you know, it gives you some motivation, some drive some energy around these things, and then they actually know that you're making you know, you're working to make it better. So you already feel better about even being in that situation, because you're going to do something about it, I think your action will take an action towards these things, you know, and like I say, meditating on that, and celebrating that, and having those thoughts, rather than negative, just all I'm rubbish at that. And then that's, you know, you're not taking action, all you're doing is sitting with that thought, and it's turning and turning and turning. And then it becomes, you know, overpower them. And that's when we get to that sort of really, you know, places where, you know, we're uncomfortable. And it's not a nice place to be, because we're just some of these poor thoughts all the time. And I think it'll be I don't know, if you're familiar with the face, but it's, we have an analogy here about the wolf that you feed, and it's very much you know, if you feed the the negative Wolf, that's what grows, that's what gets stronger. If you feed the positive will, that's what comes out, you know, that a go getter that. So, you know, that's what becomes strong. And, and I think that's what you were really alluding to, and you're saying, you know, do these positive things, celebrate them, and make more of an effort to, to do that, and be in that mind space, rather than this positive, you know, this negative one, where we basically just feed this off really angry, unhappy, will fit isn't very happy with things and it can be, you know, it can be consuming.

Kendra McGaha: 8:10

It can be I really like the term that you use, you work toward a positive action. And so not only was it not negative, but you took action, you didn't just kind of stay in your place. You took action. So that's really good. And I say the same it you see what you seek? And so if we're seeking, that we're always making mistakes, or we can never get it, right. That's what's gonna happen. That's what we're going to see. And even if you do something, well, you're just going to see what you did wrong. Okay, yeah, that was great. I did that. Okay. But over here, I did this, this and this horribly, you're never going to recognise and you're going to miss on those other aspects that you did? Well, yeah, I might still that one that positive?

Anne Okafor: 9:02

You know, I think, you know, we hear a lot about, you know, thoughts and what we should be thinking and feeling and doing, but actually, that positive action is just for me, that's where the change happens, you know, actually make a decision, I think he will, he takes that decision to go from just a thought to take an action. I always feel better when I'm in a moment of action. When I'm doing something. I'm working towards something I'm learning. And then I know I'm growing and progressing. And yes, I'll probably get things wrong, because that we're human, and that's what happens. But I'm still growing. I'm still learning, you know, I'm learning on something I'm developing. So while it's an action, and it might not go right first time all the time. Sometimes it doesn't, you know, that's great. We love it when it all goes to plan straight away. But life isn't like that. And we don't always get it right. But we learned that actually, well, that doesn't work so we can try something else put your energy to something else. So it's still a positive action, even if it doesn't work first time. And I think you know what If we all did a little more of that for ourselves and advocate for ourselves in that way, then you do just feel better about yourself, I think, you know, when you start making that moves towards being in the positive,

Kendra McGaha: 10:13

it can also go the other way as I do like the word action, because it's a verb, right? I love to look at, you know, what are words? Are they a noun word? Are they a verb, or that, you know, so action is that, and it goes through their way to maybe you're in a situation where, you know, you're trying to start a business, or expand scale your business or something like that. And people are like, Oh, you're crazy, you shouldn't do that. But you feel really good about it. And so I think it's so and the thoughts that we have about our own ability and self really can drive your life in general as being successful or not successful. I mean, how many stories have we heard about Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates are all of these amazing stories where people thought they were crazy, in what they were doing and look at what they created, don't think that they didn't have self doubt, because that is a human nature, but they didn't allow that to drive their vision. And so you know, even when things on the outside seem very negative, if you can remain positive on the inside, you can, you know, create and build much success in your own personal life.

Anne Okafor: 11:35

Ya know, I've been I'm one I'll share one story with you that really highlighted that thought for me about people starting a business. And this is Sir Richard Branson. And, you know, everybody knows the name virgin. And I was at a talk one time with one of the guys that I can't remember exactly his title, but he was working on Virgin Galactic. And one of the stories that was well known around the office was that when Richard Branson back, you know, in the early days, when he was starting up, and everyone was going, you're crazy, you know, and he was doing Virgin Records at the time. And it was just a record company, you know, I say, just the record company. You know, the story was that when he was naming it, he said to them, it has to just be called Virgin. And they were like, No, that's ridiculous. You're a record company called Virgin record company or something. And he was like, no, just virgin, because the Virgin record company won't fit on a plane tale. And he says, and I will be flying planes. And they were all like, that's absolutely insane. Like, you know, stay in your lane, you're a record company, do what you're doing. Call and he's he was adamant, not not not virgin. Because that will fit on a plane tail. That's what I want. You know, I'm going to be going into space, and I'm going to be flying planes, and I'm going into space, and it just for gentle fit on the tail. You know, and people thought he was crazy and told them to stand in line and told him no. And he, you know, if you don't listen to those people, who knows, but I think, you know, sometimes you've got to have the courage in your own conviction. And, and, you know, just steam ahead, you know, Starman with your own, if you feel good about it, and you know, you've got the passion for it, and you're not harming anyone, then why not? You know, just just, you know, if it can work

Kendra McGaha: 13:19

for everyone, a mammoth dream. I mean, that was such a huge dream, it probably was so difficult even in his own mind to fathom, how was he going to get from a record company to space, but how amazingly inspiring he is, because he's, uh, you know, so he's a doer, right? So he just literally took one step in front of the other, he didn't go from starting a record company, to getting into space. So she got up every day and put one foot in front of the other. And despite the doubts, besides, you know, the negativity, just one more step, and maybe, you know, I just encourage people, it's just that one step. And so maybe one day, that step is a big step. But maybe the next day, you're only able to take a little shuffle. But you do it, you get exactly, you're taking that positive action, like you said, and you just move it. And so for those people who are just literally struggling in life, and just trying to get out of bed and function every day, it's just that one step. And and a year from now, when you look back, you're going to see all of those steps accumulated to that jury for your year. And so that's all these people who are uber successful, that we hear about, there are many that we never hear about. That's all they did. They took those positive actions and they just took one step in front of the other. And despite the doubt, despite the fears, I mean, you don't think that they were terrified? I would venture probably out of their wits at some points just deathly terrified, and, you know, it is a natural emotion that we feel fear, I don't think we should ever want not to feel fear. But we can still do that in the face of fear. And again, that goes back to just putting one foot in that proverbial one foot in front of the other one small action. So what's your goal for today, maybe your goal for today is just to read a chapter in your school book, or to put some informations on to a napkin for that vision that you have of that business, whatever it is just that one little shuffle or step?

Anne Okafor: 15:40

No, absolutely, I agree. And I think one thing I would like to mention as well as it, sometimes you'll be talked about all these productive actions, but actually, sometimes your positive action can be taken a step back, your positive action can be setting a boundary, it can be saying, No, it can be putting in some self care, it can be taken the time, you know, positive action doesn't necessarily mean to be productive all the time. And to be honest, when I say productive, self care is productive, because it gives you what you need. So Well, we think it's taking a step back, and it's, you know, maybe going for a bath for an hour, or it'll go from our school to the gym, whatever your self care may be, you know, we all have different things it might be taken, it might be as simple as taking a five minute meditation, just to get yourself some headspace. And that is productive for you in that moment. And that can be your positive action. It doesn't have to be, you know, grand scale things of starting a business or, you know, getting a degree or you know, anything that you want to do, it can be the tiniest smallest thing that you know, to you maybe a big thing, and that is your positive action. And legacy, I think self care is an important one. Because we don't do that enough, we, generally speaking, we go 100 mile an hour and productive, productive, productive. And then, you know, sometimes we forget that we need to look after ourselves in the process. And in order to make these positive actions for business or for studies or for life, whoever you're trying to achieve, you need to look after yourself. And the process of doing that. However you choose to do like, I don't like to preach, because people will tell me a lot of time go for a walk and you'll feel better. That's not for me, but find What lights your fire and, you know, do that and do more of that. And that can also be your positive action.

Kendra McGaha: 17:29

Right? Right. For someone else. It could be you know, making a cake. Perhaps we'll be sitting down and reading a book. And and I would venture to say that step back or that moment of staying in place is to me also a positive movement forward, because you're recognising the positivity around taking that time setting that boundary to get to your larger goal. And your and again, that larger goal could be just getting up and dressed and eating breakfast that day. I mean, I know people that it's just getting out of bed is their biggest goal for that day. And absolutely fine. That's okay. Yeah, you don't have to run that marathon that day. If getting up that day, is all you've got in you, then that's your goal for that day. And that's a positive step forward. And if tomorrow you could up and eat breakfast, but then on the third day, all you can do is get up. It's okay. You know, you didn't stay in bed, you got up. That's a positive move forward. Absolutely.

Anne Okafor: 18:38

I think, you know, one of the analogies I like as well as you know, elite runners don't run marathons everyday, it's not race day, every day, you know, we don't need to be going 100 mile an hour every day, they need training, they need days of rest, we all need to do that. When elite people are little training for marathons, or whatever the challenge may be. They're not in race mode every single day. And I think we need to learn that in our lives that doesn't need to be raced every day. Some days, we need to be training and that slower, you know, can be looking at one aspect of things rather than volunteer, you know, the full, full rest of the full goal. And it can actually be resting too. It can be that self care of it can be what you need it to be. It can be funded. It can be what you need. We don't need to be doing rest every day, which I think is

Kendra McGaha: 19:31

right. You know, it's interesting you say that because something I have to work on for my own thoughts is around so I live in the United States. And not only do I live in a country where you know, everyone needs to be busy, right? We all wear that big blinking button that says busy all the time. And the more it's flashing the better. Better is you know, and we have to be working all the time. Not only that I had parents that grew up in a generation where work was very important. And so I really struggle with, I am always moving, like literally in motion, just always and taking time off work to go to the doctor has been, I know, this may sound ridiculous, I actually set up a physical appointment. But that is huge for me to actually take off work, to actually go to the doctor and get a physical is like, and I have to fight almost every day not to cancel that appointment. Because I'm not working. I'm not at my job. And so it has been over the last year, a big personal goal for mine, that when my date now when I'm at my work eight hours, I need to be working and working hard for those eight hours, you know, that's important to be productive and be present. But when those eight hours are over, I'm off. Like I shouldn't, it's okay, that I'm not constantly thinking about my work, that I'm not trying to log back in and see if there's an email I need to wear, like, it is okay for me to when my eight hours are over, that I'm done. And yeah, yes,

Anne Okafor: 21:17

I think a lot of us are guilty of that. It's certainly the same here in the UK, you know, a sort of like hustle culture is a badge of honour, you know, working all the time being busy all the time is almost seen as a badge of honour and like how long you've been the office is almost more appreciated, rather than what you're actually doing with your time, you know, people who come in early and stay late seem to be favoured over people who come in for the hours, and then you don't have boundaries in place and leave in time. And, you know, have that sort of set up. It's very much the same here. And it is getting there with the sort of changing sort of mindsets, people are recognising that self care is important. And actually part of my, for people, you know, we're in such a world where you know, everything we're on the go all the time, you know, even not at work, there's so many expectations of us, there's almost this sort of like demand on us where people see free time as availability to do more, right. And we really need to differentiate those two, you know, free time is not availability, that there are two different things, you know, we need time for ourselves, we need time for the other things we've committed to, we need time to look after our health, our, you know, go to the doctors, go to the dentist, do the things that we need to do that keep us able to then be present and be productive during those eight hours. Because it's easy to get to a stage where we're working all the time, I've been guilty of it. I'm very much like you I'm quite often in go mode quite a lot of the time. Although I've now managed to structure that integral mode in a way that allows me to do self care, that allows me to do volunteering, which fulfils me in different ways. So although I'm still able to use my energies in the way that I feel productive, but I'm productive in different ways. When I'm at work, like you see, the hours I'm present, I'm working really hard, I'm productive. And then other goal times I'm doing other things, I'm working towards my own goals I'm studying, or volunteering, or I'm actually actively pursuing self care, like making a positive action to take time for me. And that might be one swimlane. Or it might just be you know, some days, it's, you know, going to bed early, because I need that that day. You know, sitting watching something on Netflix, but it's recognising that I've got that time. And what I do know actually is I schedule that time in my diary, because I'm very much like daily driven, like have stuff in my diary. And then otherwise, I don't really feel like I'm getting stuff done. So when I schedule that self care into my diary and say this time is for you, and you can do what you want, or if I'm going to swim, and I can put it in there. And I find that that works for me will work for everybody. But you know, we can all find things that work for us to structure things so that it works for us. You know, we're all different levels of energies at different times of the day, we all have different levels of energy as well for different things, because we all have different commitments, we all have different demands upon us, families are and people are craving for others as well. Which is important to remember that just because you're not at work doesn't mean to say you've not got anything happening. You know, I think we kind of forget that sometimes, you know, with a sort of hustle culture I think and I don't feel like it's I don't know I don't feel like it's you know, overly healthy to just expect people to be on the go all the time and think that you know if they're not working

Kendra McGaha: 24:42

well yeah, no, you made a very made to really at least for me a poignant points there and one is free time is not available time like you need to put that on a shirt and get that out there because that is very the two different words. that you used in that sentence are very important. So free time, we often feel it, right? Like, but free time could be, again, just sitting and looking out the window at your bird feeder because you need that downtime. So I think that's very interesting and looking at the definition of the, you know, go back to, you know, what is the word noun for whatever. And really defining that, because I think we often use words in our everyday speech. And we forget its meaning. Like, it has been so eye opening for me, my husband is from South America, and English was not his first language. So often he'll ask me words that I've used in my speech, my whole life, but then I go and try and give him the Webster, you know, dictionary meaning of that word, and I'm like, I can tell you how to use it, but like to give you like the clinical or the scholar definition? Yeah, I have to go back and look up some words myself, because really, you know, we use words, sometimes their definition gets a bit stretched, because we've altered it in our normal society of what that is. And that's a very, I'm trying to get back to your free time versus availability is very much into that, and feeds into that. And then you also said, our level of energy. And that's so important, because we were not made as humans just to work all the time, and have one source of input of energy. So we were not made as human beings just to work we were made, we have all different talents, that we're all creative, that creative in different ways. And maybe you're a painter, and I'm a singer, or you know, something else. And so, we often feel rundown, and do not have the ability to function daily, because we're not getting fed in different ways, or just working so much. We're not feeding other areas. And so the especially if you have a job that's maybe not in your normal work, like the job I have now, it's really a lot of work for me to do I have every faith that it's a job that I can do, but I really have to work at it. So it takes a level of energy that my last job did not take, because I knew and so well. So if you're wondering, you know, I never have any energy, I kind of feel out of balance, you know, where are we putting all of our energy? And are we getting any of that back to help feed those other areas in our life that we need, like family time? You know, like your point exercise? You know, is that something that we need? Yeah,

Anne Okafor: 27:50

yeah, no, I think that's when I said when I structured my life into different ways, and sort of like volunteering, and, you know, or being creative, the things, you know, I was always one of the stories I used to always tell myself and allow to take up negative space in my head was, you're not creative. So how can you feed to that sort of creative space? You know, people will tell you need to be creative in some way. And that's, that's a different kind of energy than this work, work, work. And I'm like, Well, I'm not creative. I'm not a painter. I'm not a maker. How do you be creative? Actually, things like this podcast is me creating pupil and volunteer. And so I volunteer with Girlguiding, which is young girls between seven and sort of 10. And we create lots and lots of different things. And that allows me space to create and to feed that energy, as opposed to my work, work work feed energy, which again, you know, I'm in a very similar role to you where you don't have to work out it and I'm learning, it's a constant learning curve as well, which I love, and I love my job. But if that's all I do, it drains because we're only feeding one part and the only expending one type of energy. Whereas, although I'm still on the go do my volunteer, and I'm expending energy in a different kind of way, but it allows me to recharge, I think they say like a change is as good as arrest and allows me to sort of focus energy in a different way, so that my work energy can be maintained, because I'm not expending all just sort of on that one sort of action. And I loved what you said about the different lounges as well because I am Nigerian husband. So we have the same kind of dynamic things. And when we were talking, funnily enough about this hustle culture, and I mentioned hustle again, it's one of the things that's very much been twisted, because the definition of hustle is to spindle is a trick, you know, it's, you know, it's a basically a falsity. And we now use that as the hustle, grind, get stuff done. And actually the definition is a trick. And for me, that really fits because, you know, hustle culture, to me is a lie. It's a it is a swindle. For some reason, and we should be following it, and we should all be productive actually, sort of, to me, the dictionary definition really fits better for me. And anytime someone says, oh, hustle, hustle, I just, you know, I see that swindler see, you know, okay, you may feel that just No, but eventually you're gonna burn out. And actually, that's not healthy to be sort of promoting that kind of,

Kendra McGaha: 30:21

you know, energy. So it's so good. So So God, I love that

Anne Okafor: 30:25

really helped me to sort of not feel guilty that I'm not on that train, you know, because for a long time, I was like, What am I getting wrong? That I don't have the energy to be like them? What am I not managing? What am I? Not, you know, and it was always that sort of like place of, where am I failing? Where am I going wrong? And now I'm like, well, actually, that's not sustainable. For me, I realised that. And that's okay. That's okay, that I don't have the same energy levels, because we all have different commitments. You know, I have different energy levels, some people have illnesses that they need to deal with, and chronic conditions where that's, you know, your biggest goal is to get through that day, because your pain in that day may be too much. And we need to realise that actually, it's okay to not be on someone else's train, it's just okay to be on the train that works for us. And we don't need to be all hustle culture all the time, if that's not what fits for our levels of energy and for our, for our personal goals as well. We're not all interested in the same things. You know, for some people, it is about being creative. For some people, it is about being at home with your family. And, you know, we can all be I think one of my other guests had mentioned, you know, leadership, you don't, Leadership isn't necessarily all just about business, you can be a leader in your home, you can be a leader in the community. You know, it's not all about just business and goals, and you know, in that sort of traditional way that we view them. And I think we need to see more of that sort of open minded thinking around goals as well, goals isn't necessarily just for business, or studying or working. It's for what you want to do in life. And if that's being around your family or taking care of somebody, then that is absolutely fine as well. I'm going to recognise everybody has different goals, different directions.

Kendra McGaha: 32:11

Yeah. People call them seasons as well, you know, like, we have different times in our life where we're doing something else. And you know, it's almost like raising, I mean, I don't have children, but you don't raise children forever. I mean, you do in the sense that they're always your child, right. But at some point, they leave for college, then they move on, they get married, so you're not always with a toddler, your whole life. So I mean, there are times you know, when we've worked at one job and moved on to another, maybe there was a time where you sang in a choir. And now you're scrapbooking, or I think we feel like oh my gosh, I've worked out with this trainer, or I've sang with this particular group for so long I should get if I'm going to sing, if I'm going to work out, I should always be in this same place. Well, that's not true. You know, and maybe you take a break from doing that for a while, and maybe you never go back to it. And maybe you do later and in a different place in a different style. So I think we have to be open and accepting, like what you're saying to even the goal that you have now could be different than the goal that you set for next year. And that's okay, but what is that goal for that year? And what is your everyday look like to get to that goal?

Anne Okafor: 33:29

Absolutely. I think we all it's okay to change your mind as well, if you start doing something. It's perfectly okay. In your mind, you know, I'm the queen of that I go around, change my mind, you know, work towards something. But I think when you're making progress towards a goal is still not lost energy. It's not a waste of time, because you're learning things anyway. And quite often, I found that things that I learned on the pursuance of one thing served me well, whether I know it or not later on, comes back around, you know, and you think, Well, I'm glad I got that experience. I'm glad I got that skill. Because if not for that, I wouldn't be able to do this next thing that's presented to sometimes well, well, it may feel like oh, you know, you've spent a year of painting and you think, Oh, well, I don't really enjoy that anymore. That's okay to stop that just know. But it might be that you've learned, you know, how to mix colours that then serves you in another way or down the line or whatever it may be, or in your running, you know, you might change to cycling, but how do you understand your body and how you understand your energies and what works for you and what doesn't, will actually help you with the new thing. So it's not a lost information. It's just building upon a move into something new. And I think if we start to view it in those terms, then we're not so much maybe afraid to try something new, you know, because I think sometimes we stop trying things new because we are guilty about or we feel guilty about the time that we've invested into something

Kendra McGaha: 34:58

and then we don't want to let go It's hard to let go.

Anne Okafor: 35:01

Yeah. And I think if you can sort of see as an experience, and as a lesson that you can still take forward, even if you might not know it right away, but if you can see it as that, then I think it does open the doors a little bit for, for trying something new, and maybe not having that guilt associated with, you know, the time you've invested or the energy, you've invested into recognition that it can be brought with you. It has certainly been helpful for me. And I think, you know, others I know, have employed the same sort of tactics has helped them too. So. Yeah,

Kendra McGaha: 35:35

that was Yeah. Now that's all very good, that's awesome. I think, yeah, it's, we don't like to your point, you haven't lost time you've invested you take that. And because think about this, for your listeners, you know, look back at your life at where you are. Now, to your point, it's so you know, we live life looking back in the sense of, in the moment, while we're taking, you know, for whatever reason, we took a night class, not really understanding the big picture, you know, we just felt like, we should take this class, it would be good to take it. And then later on, you end up getting a job that, that night class actually helped you get. And of course, in the moment, you don't realise that. But then as you look back in your life, you see all of these things that happen that led you where you are today, and it's all a you're laying foundation, so you're laying that brick wall house. So each layer is a different experience that builds up and make sure to the person you are today. And that kind of goes back to even thoughts that we have. So maybe the experiences that we had earlier in life kind of dictate how we're thinking, and maybe you had some bad situations early in life, that now you automatically look at, you know, when you meet someone new, you think negatively, like, oh my gosh, you know, they're just gonna want to be friends for a certain reason, or they want to hang out because I have money or, you know, whatever that is. And so, our experience, build up how we view and think about things, which again, you know, in some cases, we may need to decide to alter those. So it's, there's both sides of that in our experiences, and of course, those that don't help us grow in a positive way, we need to, you know, purposely decide to make changes there.

Anne Okafor: 37:33

I think, you know, a lot of the stuff that we tell ourselves comes from, quite often our rage, it comes from, quite often as well, things that other people have taught us to think, you know, parents or teachers or, you know, just people who have been around us and actually, sometimes when you get too loud on and on, this is true. In my case, when you get into an adult, you have to really question if those things are serving you anymore, are they actually true for you as an adult, you know, that's maybe what you've been taught growing up, and some things your will serve you and will still work for you and are the right thing, but some things are maybe not and it's okay to, to understand that, that it's okay. And it's okay to think something different than what you've maybe had taught to you and what you've grown up with, if there's a thought that isn't serving you, and isn't actually you know, you don't feel it's true for you, it's okay to, to think something new and to look at something in a different way than what you previously told yourself. Because I think we all do that, you know, we all you know, I'm bad at maths, I'm bad at creating, you know, I've told myself well, you know, I will maybe other things, and actually, when I look at them, you know, classic example, I'm bad at maths, I told myself that for a long, long time. Now, I'm not great at Maths. But actually, I'm not bad at maths, I now have a science degree. And I'm working towards a master and science degree, which have both got heavy maths elements. And even then, I was saying to people, I'm bad at maths. So it's just I'm bad at maths. I'm not great at maths, I was never good at maths, but I have found strategies to deal with them, and actually, maybe didn't understand it. So it doesn't actually mean I'm bad at it. I just didn't understand it, I've no able to look at it in different ways, I'm now able to appreciate the art of it, you know, whereas before I just seen as a chore. And you know, looking at it in a totally different light. Now, I'll probably never say I'm good at maths, because I don't think that is the right view for me. But I'm not bad enough. And I've told myself that for many years, and it held me back from things for many years. And now I can look at it in different ways and actually realise that I can do I mean, my job is very much looking at graphs and data and things like that. And if you'd have told me that, you know, even five years ago, I would have said absolutely no way I'm bad at math, so I'll never happen, you know, and and it would have been a dismissal of something that I actually really love and enjoy. You know, I love my job. I love what I do. And if I don't allow those thoughts to keep happening, and to keep on taking front step, it wouldn't have happened, you'd also think made okay to feel something

Kendra McGaha: 40:14

and do change your thoughts that, okay, I'm going to stop saying, I'm bad at math, that doesn't mean math immediately becomes easy for you. So you still have to work at it, I would say that I've said the same thing. But with my knowledge now of Excel, I'm able to perform job functions, that, you know, I'm not having to do algebra in my head. And so thankfully, you know, somebody created Excel to help someone like me, however, I'm able to perform functions of a business that before I couldn't and so, like you, I used to say the same thing. And like you, it doesn't come easy for me. But there's so many aspects, you know, and we could do many podcasts just on, you know, how we're taught math and the type that how, you know, how we all learn differently, right. And I did horrible in math in high school and grade school and went to college and had an amazing algebra teacher, and I got a, you know, an A minus and algebra, I was just like, you know, I mean, it was all about teaching method. But that's a whole other topic, but just saying, hey, I can do math, or I can read well, I can read, that does not mean, it automatically becomes easy, and that you don't have to put in some work.

Anne Okafor: 41:37

But just even that, like, you know, it says that positive action, I can find strategies that can help me to do this job function, I can find strategies to get through this exam. You know, I'm not saying I'm good at maths, but I'm taking that positive, I can do something about this. That's that positive action, you know, rather than just when I'm bad at maths, let's move on, or I'm bad at math, or even try, you know, it's, well, I'm not great. It doesn't come easy, but I can find a way through. And I think that is where that positive, you know, action step has helped me to then and you can apply that to anything, you know. Absolutely. And I think, you know, for me, that's how I'm able to actually view in a positive way now, you know, because actually, it's a good thing, I'm able to, you know, okay, I'm not good at maths, but we all have different strengths. I think we've mentioned that before, we all have different strengths. And that's what makes us all different and unique. But the fact that I can find strategies for my weakness points, I can find strategies to cope with those things, and to work with them, and to make them do what I need to do to be able to function in that role. Maybe, because I've got other strengths are places where I really am good. And I really, you know, and we all have that we all have points where we can say no, I'm really good at that. And those are great, and they come easy, you know, for some people that will be my middle there are people that that are that comes easy for them, it's a natural thing. And that's fantastic. It doesn't mean that just because we're bad at something we should write off, or that there's no opportunities in there, or that it's actually limited to go into a career that needs it for some part. Like I say, part of my job is quite, they go maths, and I would have really dismissed it if a few years ago. So I think just sort of seeing the opportunity in that positive action that if you actually find a strategy or find a way, you can still do something you love that might you know, so don't turn yourself off to opportunities that may involve a little bit of the thing that you're fearful of, or that you don't like, if you can find a way to make it happen that works for you. You know, there's different ways that we can approach things, and it's not one size fits all.

Kendra McGaha: 43:41

Right, exactly. Well, sir, yes. So true.

Anne Okafor: 43:45

Yeah. So I think, you know, that's, I guess we've spread lots of encouragement there. Aggressively, so. It's fantastic as it is, you will, it's that encouragement. So sometimes, we say these things, because we've lived them and we've learned them. But right, when you're at the other side of that, before you see this, it's not always obvious. It's not always obvious that well, actually, I just need to find a strategy. Because it's hard, you know, and if you don't like something, you do turnover, you know, we're sort of, we have fear, and it's there to protect us from things that we don't like, or make us uncomfortable or harmless. So we normally write no, we don't want to do that, that we don't like that. It makes us feel bad, we don't want to do it. But putting that positive action and I think really does help and I think when we allow people to see that and share our experiences of these things, then other people can see how they can take positive actions that work for them, you know, for other people it might not be so in my case strategies in your case, it may be the Excel it's it's a software programme that helps. And that's the beauty of technology. Things are getting invented all the time as well that can help us with things that you know previously were difficult or weren't in reach for some people and so explore those explore different things happening that can help you might be an app That makes something a bit easier for you, you know, and these can be on a big scale like maths for, it can also be on a small scale or something that makes things easier for you mix it when achievable, or more attainable, then go. And maybe that's your strategy. Likes, it might be the self care strategy, put it in something in place, that can just help you do what you want to do longer.

Kendra McGaha: 45:22

And if what you decide is your strategy doesn't work after a little bit, I mean, don't just try it once. And if it doesn't work like it, but but then try something different. Don't again, just get because we all, you know, we all communicate differently. We all I mean, if you look at the podcast world as an example, I mean, how many of them exist? I mean, so many, but you know why? Because there's so many different types of people out there. And so for instance, you might listen to my podcast and really not click with it, someone turns on yours, and it just clicks with them. So or maybe they tried several others before they got to you. But then when they got to you it just clicked. So you just have to stay diligent and find what works for you. And give that as much time as you've devoted to the negative. We say like we try like, oh, I tried looking for something. I just couldn't find anything. Well, how long did you try while I tried a couple weeks? Well, how many years? Have you been negative? Thinking about yourself? I mean, you gave that a long time. So let's give the positive the just time as well. Absolutely. I

Anne Okafor: 46:35

mean, I think we really owe it to ourselves to give ourselves the least at the same time and positivity as we do in negativity. But I think one thing as well to mention it along the way of exploring what works for you, what doesn't, you will find other people on that same explanation. And you know, talking to them, listen to them, you know, you might try one thing, and then they say, Oh, I'm not this isn't really gelling for me. No, it's not really gelling from either. What else have you tried, and you can maybe try something else that you know, worked for them or didn't work for them. There's things that you don't even know exists right now, that will work for you or might not work for you. But at least if you try them. And I think it's really important just to be open minded with these things, try it. Try a couple of times, because as well, meditation for me was one thing I know, I'm not doing that that's not for me. And then I've tried that a couple of times. Normally, I don't, I don't really know what that what's that all about, you know, I don't really know if that's working for me. Because some of these will in we're not in the mood to receive that, you know, some days, it's not going to work. So maybe try again, when you're in a different mood or a different frame of mind, you know, and if it doesn't work, when you've tried that a couple of times, that's fine. You know, try something else. Because not everything will work, going out for a walk, people tell me to go for a walk. And I'm just like, that's not gonna help me. Because I've tried it. And I know it doesn't work for me. But I do know what does work for me. And I think it's just trying different things, you know, and don't feel disheartened. If you try something and you don't enjoy it. You know, try something else. Because there will be things that will help you. There's different things for all of us. That's the beauty of it. That's why there are so many different things because, like the podcast, there's so many different people will all click something differently. Unfortunately, it's just a bit of an explanation until you find that thing. But there are things out there and part of the reason of places like my podcast, and Kendra's is that we can explore together we can share some of the things that you might not have heard about before that work for us, or that work for our guests. And then maybe you can then also find something that works for you. On the note of your podcast. Can you like to just give us a little overview of the types of things you discuss in I tripped over flat surfaces. And you know, maybe even mentioned why it's called waters, that would be fine.

Kendra McGaha: 48:45

Well, I really do honestly trip over flat surfaces, like I generally walk with my head down so I don't trip over anything because I just said to a clumsy person. So it was just sort of apropos for me to name it that but really that's sort of our struggles in life, we trip over things. But you know, my podcast is about the thoughts that we have in life, as you mentioned at the start, and how those impact ourselves in our life. And it is so paramount that we evaluate the thoughts that we have in our head because it literally can change your life. And so mine first season was about that mind space rental place that I coined that as and it's really about recognising you can change the thoughts that are in your head you can control them. And you can also take control of the fact of being in places and situations that drop certain thoughts into your head. I'll be like I cannot stand scary movies. I can't watch them because of the My imagination is so great. Like what I think of leader is way worse than whatever happens. And so I just don't even watch them. I don't even participate in that. So it's just about my first season was just about that you can control those and change them into something positive. My second season is about change your thoughts, change your life. And we talk about mental illness, we talk about working with people with disabilities. I've talked about things that happen in my past. And, you know, I am in my early 50s. And it's taken me into my early 50s, to recognise some of the things that happen in my past and how that has impacted me. And I'm making changes now. So you're never too late in life, no matter your age, to change how you you view and think about things. So it's sort of, I wouldn't say all over the map, but it does centralise around how we think about things and the benefits of those positive thoughts. But I some of them are just me, some of them I do have guests, I put out a a longer release at the first of every month, and then on the 15th of every month, I have what's called a short. And so it's anywhere from like a minute and a half to, you know, five minutes about something could be fun, it could be my second season I talk about being redonkulous I, I live on a small farm with my husband. And we have seven rescue animals which rescue is a big thing, a big advocate for animal welfare, I have too many donkeys and a horse, and donkeys are amazing, amazing creatures. And so I call it being redonkulous. And so you'll have to tune in and get a better understanding of what I mean by that, like, you can get the podcast wherever you get podcasts or my website, I trip over flat surfaces.com.

Anne Okafor: 51:50

Thanks for that Kendra will include the the link to your website so that people can be directed, and have a look at your lovely rescue horse and your rescue donkeys that you have on there, as well and learn more about those. And obviously for the direct links to the podcast as well. So we're just wrapping up, what would you say your top three tips are for someone who is on this sort of journey to their own sort of self development?

Kendra McGaha: 52:17

Sure. And I'm just going to start really basic again, it's truly understanding and knowing that you can change the thoughts that are in your head and you were used a word just a few sentences ago about receiving and receive means and taking possession of. And so you have to understand and receive the fact that you can manage the thoughts that you think about. And so then my second step, I would say, come up with some positive words. They can even be unrelated, but come up with something positive that every time you recognise, you're having a negative thought allows you to reset that mind space rental place area in your head. And it could be something totally unrelated to what you were thinking of. So maybe it's a song that you sing, maybe it's a poem, maybe it's visual, I'm a visual person. So I get you know, views of my favourite painting, something that just allows me to reset and then input something positive. And then the third step, I would say, repeat that as often as you need it. And sometimes it's multiple times in a split second, depending on what I'm doing at the moment, I sometimes have to reset over and over in that moment, but I continue to do it. And over time, I find that my resets are fewer and far between in those moments. I love that I

Anne Okafor: 53:49

think, you know, just allowing ourselves permission for us many times that leads as well, because different days will have different needs, different challenges that we're facing will have different needs also. And I think just allowing that permission to repeat and repeat and repeat if needed. I think we've all been there. And again, we probably all will be in some time again, depending on the challenge that comes up. So I really, really love that and I appreciate you sharing that with us. Thank you so much. Could you let us know when our listeners can find general you mentioned your website? Are you on the socials that we can connect with as podcasts on the socials that we can connect?

Kendra McGaha: 54:28

Sure, and actually the simplest if you go to the website that links there to my Facebook page or Instagram account, and just to create those so they're they're not so long and my handles it's I T Oh, oh my gosh, it's I trip over 12 services, but it's the acronym So wow, that's really sad. So it's I T ofs podcast on facebook and instagram. See we all have our own Right, just a stumble there. And but again, you can get those from the website and Spotify, Apple, Google podcasts, audible podcast. They're all available there. And on the website, if you sign up for my email subscription, you can get notifications when those come out.

Anne Okafor: 55:17

Awesome. Well, we will link to the website so that people can reach all those things. Thank you so much for so generous generously. I can't see I'm stumbling No, I meant to farm but we all trip over flat surfaces. So thank you so much for sharing your lived experiences with us and your your very keen insights and encouragement for others. I think that's something that we all need every now and then. And it's okay to seek that and hopefully, the conversation that Kendra and I today have encouraged you into something maybe positive action and into allowing yourself time to reset those thoughts that you may have. You may have carried for a long time also. Thank you, Kendra, You're remarkable really have enjoyed that conversation. Thank you.

Kendra McGaha: 56:02

Thank you so much. I appreciate you having me on and I've learned from this as well. So I think your listeners will be definitely benefited with this as well as the other podcasts that you have coming out. So thank you so much for including me and and much luck to you and your listeners and have a wonderful rest of your year.

Anne Okafor: 56:20

Thank you. So listeners whether you're bouncing back from a challenge or storming forward to the next one, the determinant a collective is here for you. Stay remarkable determinator

Unknown: 56:31

if you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss when new episodes are posted. He will continue to deliver real life insights on overcoming challenges, practical tips and advice on becoming unstuck with a collective of people just like you are everyday the Terminator. Until next time, take care of yourselves, your friends. Thanks for listening