Beth White on Grief During the Holidays

How do you cope with the holidays when a piece of your heart is missing? In this heartfelt episode of Quirks, Bumps, and Bruises, we are joined by our dear friend Beth from Lynchburg, Virginia, who bravely shares her journey through grief following the sudden loss of her beloved husband, Wayne. Reflecting on the day that would have marked their 30th wedding anniversary, Beth opens up about the unexpected events leading to Wayne's passing, as what appeared to be a simple ailment revealed itself as a devastating heart attack. As she faces the holiday season without Wayne for the first time, Beth offers a poignant reminder of the enduring power of cherished memories and the comfort they can bring in times of sorrow.

Our conversation with Beth underscores the vital role that love and support play in navigating through grief. We explore how acknowledging and talking about grief is a crucial step toward healing, even if the journey never fully closes the chapter on loss. Tune in for heartfelt insights and encouragement.

Transcript

0:00:00 - Melody

Hi, I'm Melody and I'm Candi, and you're listening to Quirks, Bumps and Bruises. So on this episode of Quirks, bumps and Bruises, Candi, we have a very special guest in with us this morning that we love. 

0:00:16 - Candi

So much we do. It's our sweet friend, Beth from Lynchburg, Virginia came all the way in from Lynchburg. She loves Joy FM so much and she wanted to be here, especially today, because today is particularly hard for her. So she wanted to come and be with some friends and we're glad that you chose to spend this day with us. 

0:00:38 - Melody

And so we're going to be talking a little bit about with the holidays coming up Thanksgiving very, very soon, yeah, and Christmas right behind it Grief can be very difficult on those who have lost loved ones, and so, Beth, you had that situation happen to you, so you're kind of in that place right now in your life and we have so many here on Joy FM that are in the same position as you are. So we thought this would be a good time to talk about grief and the holidays and kind of how you get through that and that kind of thing. So if you want to start by just kind of telling us where you are and talk about your husband a little bit and what happened there, well, thank you for having me on. 

0:01:25 - Beth

I think we've known each other for about 20 years now. We're not that old. 

0:01:31 - Candi

Are we? 

0:01:31 - Melody

that old I am. I'm just a shade over 21. 

0:01:34 - Beth

There you go, there you go, which is ironic because today would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. So he really did get me out of the cradle. 

0:01:42 - Candi

He did, didn't he? He did, but he really did get me out of the cradle. 

0:01:44 - Beth

He did, didn't he? He did, but no, Wayne and I married exactly 30 years ago today, and so this is how I wanted to spend my day honoring him and just remembering him. It was very, very sudden when God called him home. It was very unexpected. We thought he had a stomach bug for three days, and even as late as two hours before he passed. Even the doctor thought it was just the stomach bug. 

0:02:11 - Melody

Wow. 

0:02:11 - Beth

And it wasn't until about 1.30 on the afternoon of January 12th this year that we found out he had had a massive heart attack and the damage from not getting treated for three days it was destroying his heart muscle and because he had been dehydrated for three days. 

It was also destroying his kidneys and I remember he argued with the doctor Literally the last 30 minutes he was alive. The doctor said well, your kidneys are shutting down. He said, no, they're not. I'm only in stage three. No, you're dehydrated. Your kidneys have are shutting down. He said, no, they're not, I'm only in stage three. No, you're dehydrated, your kidneys have started shutting down. And I thought, oh Lord, that's not good. And then by 3.15, he had been laid back fully on the bed. He had a team of nurses working around him and I'm standing at the foot of the bed and the doctor's standing beside me. And I still didn't know exactly what was going on. They didn't tell me. 

And Wayne was the type that if he sat still for any length of time and was quiet, he would fall asleep at the drop of a hat and he's laying down. And I guess he got comfortable because he snored one time. He just inhaled, and that was the first time in two weeks that I heard him snore. And he always said if I'm snoring, you leave me alone, because I'm good, I am comfortable, I am warm and I don't hurt. I have no joint pain. Leave me alone, let me sleep. 

And I heard him snore that one time, just a quick inhale, and in that brief moment it brought me comfort because I knew he was good. He was beyond good at that point and I had no idea that he really was beyond good because he inhaled at one time and then he opened up his eyes wide and he was gone that quick, wow, that quick. And I was at 315. And I didn't know that he was gone that quick, wow, that quick. And that was at 3.15. And I didn't know that he was gone until they started doing CPR. And it wasn't until that moment that I realized he was face to face with Jesus. 

0:04:17 - Melody

And so that was January 12th of this year, of this year. So you, Beth, are definitely in the grieving stage, and I think I told you this a few moments ago that my son in law used to work with hospice and dealt with grief and that kind of thing. Actually, he dealt mostly with children's grief. Actually, he dealt mostly with children's grief, wow. But I remember him saying and he has said multiple times to those in our church family and that kind of thing it takes two years at least and everybody's time frame is different. People just handle grief differently. But it's going to take a couple of years to feel remotely like yourself again, even though you may not ever feel exactly the same again, but to have some normalcy, to come back into your life. And so, with the holidays coming up and if he passed away last January, this past January, then you have not experienced the holidays without him yet, right, experienced the holidays without him yet, right? We? 

0:05:20 - Beth

obviously all of the holidays that we've had so far this year. The first holiday I had to get through was Valentine's Day. That was hard, yeah. I graduated with my doctorate in May. He had supported me for 20 years 20 years of schooling and I have a picture that of him giving me flowers. I defended my dissertation on my birthday in November last year and he brought me flowers and it was the last time he brought me flowers and it was the first time in months that he brought me flowers, because he always used to say I would kill silk flowers. Me too, girl. 

0:06:05 - Melody

Me too. 

0:06:08 - Beth

And so I look back on that. But he watched. And my doctorate degree this is how good God is y'all. My doctorate degree came in the mail during Christmas, between Christmas and New Year's, so he got to see it and then he was gone two weeks later and so you know I have been dreading November because my birthday was last Sunday and that's obviously my first birthday with Adam, and of course today, but you know God is good. And of course today, but you know God is good. God has placed me in a loving, supportive ministry. I joined the widow's ministry at my church and it is a community of, at the time, about 120 widows. Now we're up to about 160, 170. Gracious. And these are ladies in all different stages. I think my table leader has been a widow for maybe seven years. I'm the most recent one at my table. At our last meeting earlier this month, there was a woman there who had only been a widow for six weeks and it's good because I'm able to ask them questions, yeah. 

0:07:22 - Melody

It's like a support group for each other. 

0:07:24 - Beth

It really, really is, and it's based out of our church. So it so. 

0:07:28 - Melody

Christian. So you highly recommend, if you are in that place right now, getting a group of people around you that mostly understand what you're feeling, because I cannot understand. We can, we can empathize with you and we can love on you and pray for you. Yes, so we don't know what your heart feels Exactly, but those ladies that you were with every week or month do. 

0:07:53 - Beth

Yes, and for me that was huge. I'm a huge extrovert. I need to be around people, but not everybody's like that. Right and grief for everybody is different. 

0:08:05 - Melody

I have a friend who who lost her husband very young and very healthy and had ALS, but she tried that and she is just more of an introvert and that's okay. She found herself a little bit just overwhelmed by that and pulled back from that. So again, everybody's different. I think I would be more like you. I think I'd want that support yes, but there are those that can handle you. I think I'd want that support yes, but there are those that can handle it quietly as well and prefer that. 

0:08:36 - Beth

Something else, too. One thing that I've learned is don't feel that you have to rush or put yourself on a timeline of I need to go through his things or her things right now. Now, the week between Wayne's passing and his funeral, I was able to go through his closet and clean out all of his clothes and give them. We gave him to a church in the area that had a clothes closet closet. Now I was able to do that because he and I had talked before about what to do with his clothes or with my clothes when that time came, and so literally the weekend not the weekend after he died, but during that week I was able to clean them out completely. 

0:09:24 - Candi

Which in some ways for you could have served. 

0:09:28 - Beth

Yes. Now there are things still I won't let anybody touch. Wayne was a Vietnam veteran and he had the little Vietnam veteran baseball cap that is still sitting on top of the bookcase where he last put it. Nobody is allowed to touch that. You know, his coats are still hanging up on the coat hooks. I can't do that yet, no Right, but it's OK. Oh, it is OK, and what works for me may not work for your friend or, you know, for somebody else, and that is OK because, grief, everybody has to handle it differently and it's what works for them, grief is a funny thing too. 

0:10:09 - Melody

It is. I lost my mom about seven years ago and still to this day I can smell a pound cake because that was her thing, and that those memories will flood back, there'll be a song or there'll be just something will just trigger and it will just come out of nowhere. So grief can be kind of an odd thing and it can happen years later. Yes, but I think the most important thing to come away with, I think, with talking with you, Beth, and you being so raw in that moment and this year, not even a year yet of grief, is that, first of all, every person does handle it differently. Yes, and it's okay. Yes, I think sometimes I've seen those try to rush that with people Like I can't believe you're still, whatever feeling the blame. 

0:10:59 - Beth

Not even a week. I hadn't even had Wayne's funeral yet and somebody posted it on my Facebook page. You need to pick up and move on. 

0:11:08 - Melody

Yeah, we all have, and I'm like yeah, really Not the right words to say Now the guy since deleted that post. 

0:11:16 - Beth

But I was just so shocked, yeah, hearing that because everybody's different, yeah, but I was just so shocked hearing that because everybody's different, yeah. 

0:11:21 - Melody

Well, with the holidays coming up, there is a little poem that a friend of ours wrote that says this the pies are in the freezer, the turkey's on the list, but this Thanksgiving, oh how a loved one will be missed. Lord Jesus, please hear our Thanksgiving prayer for those gathered around a table that has an empty chair. Oh Lord, comfort their hearts we know that you are able and let them know that this year there's another chair at heaven's table and I think that's just such a sweet way to think about Thanksgiving, as it's happening actually this week and you will have an empty chair. I hope that you've got some family and friends that you'll be spending thanksgiving with. 

0:12:04 - Beth

I'm actually going to one of my best friends home, wonderful, uh. She just lost her mom last month, so she understands. So she, she understands her dad and I. They've always adopted me into part of their little family and so now he and I are texting back and forth and they were married for 69 years and I just I can't even begin to imagine that, yeah, and it my. 

0:12:29 - Melody

My mom and dad were married for 68 and I remember that first thanksgiving, my mom always sat at the end of the table. They have a big dining room table, so we're all there. Sure, we kept that chair, no one's sitting there. But somebody said melody, you need to step in and sit in that chair. 

0:12:45 - Beth

I said no, I'm not, no, I'm not sitting in that chair if y'all were to come to my house, you will see Wayne’s place setting is still at the head of the table where he always sat in his chair, and I've got I literally I have a place setting and I've got a black kitchen towel draped over it and that's his spot and it will always be his spot. 

0:13:08 - Melody

Well, Wayne has got a chair at heaven's table. 

0:13:11 - Beth

Yes, he does, and he is warm and he doesn't hurt and he's with Jesus and he's happy. 

0:13:18 - Melody

He is a lot better off than we are, absolutely. And you will see him again. Oh, absolutely Comfort which is the greatest gift of all is to know that you will be with him one day, absolutely, and see his face and give him a hug. Yes, You'll walk the streets of gold together. 

0:13:34 - Beth

Yes, yes, Hand in hand just like we always did. 

0:13:38 - Melody

Well, Beth, thank you for being with us today. We know it's not easy to talk about it, but I think it's important to talk about grief, and that grief is okay. You need to go through that process in order to find some closure, even though it'll never be that book will never be completely closed but it does help get you to a place where you can feel some normalcy again and you've got good friends here at Joy. Fm that love you. 

0:14:02 - Candi

Love y'all. 

0:14:04 - Announcer

Thanks for listening to the Quirks, Bumps, and Bruises podcast with Candi and Melody. If you enjoyed the show, please take a moment to subscribe, rate and share the podcast. You can learn more at joyfm.org.