Stop. Sit. Surrogate.

How Surrogacy Shapes Children’s Hearts And Minds

• Kenedi & Ellen Smith • Season 5 • Episode 24

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What happens when kids grow up watching their parent carry a baby for someone else? We open the door to our homes and hearts to explore how surrogacy shapes children’s understanding of empathy, science, and the many ways families are made. With Sarah—a labor and delivery nurse, twin mom, and second-time surrogate—we trade honest stories about timing the conversation, answering tough questions, and turning complex ideas into clear, age-appropriate truths.

We share how we explained IVF and embryos with simple analogies and real facts, why meeting intended parents early makes the mission feel human, and how transparency helps kids process big feelings during the ups and downs of a journey. From nausea and pump parts to the quiet heroism of persistence, our kids learned that sacrifice can be ordinary and love can be deliberate. We also talk about failed transfers, showing sadness without shame, and the surprising moments that taught our children to comfort, advocate, and step up.

Beyond birth, we highlight the power of continuing relationships—photos, short videos, and first birthdays that replace goodbye with connection. The conversation widens to inclusivity: same-sex parents, single parents by choice, and heterosexual couples, all seeking a path through infertility. Our kids traced the ripple effects—parents becoming grandparents, cousins finding cousins—and saw how surrogacy can expand a family tree in every direction. If you’re wondering when to tell your kids, what to say, or how to keep it grounded, you’ll leave with practical scripts, tools, and the reassurance that children can hold both facts and feeling with grace.

If this resonated, subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review to help more families find thoughtful, stigma-free conversations about surrogacy and modern parenthood.

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https://stopsitsurrogate.com

SPEAKER_02:

Welcome! We are a mother-daughter podcast about all things surrogacy. Together, we have brought eight beautiful babies into this world, and we would like to share through education and knowledge about surrogacy with those who want to educate themselves on the topic.

SPEAKER_01:

This is Stop Sit Surrogate. Hey everyone, if you ever thought about becoming a surrogate, I want to share something with you. Stopsit Surrogate is now a matching and referral agency that helps guide you through the very first steps of your journey. We'll walk with you until you're matched and connected with a trusted agency that supports you all the way through. It's such a meaningful process, and knowing you're not alone makes a huge difference. So if you're curious about surrogacy or ready to take that first step, check us out at stopsitsurrogate.com.

SPEAKER_02:

Hi everybody, welcome back to Stopsit Surrogate. Today is uh Friday Facts. We are near the end of the year. We're finally getting back into Friday Facts, and uh I got my good friend Sarah here. So do you want to just do a little intro of yourself? Not like you've ever been here before.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, my name is Sarah. I had my opportunity to share my amazing first journey. Um, I have identical twin girls, they are 10 years old, and those are my only keeper children. And then my surrogate baby is almost 11 months, and I'm on journey number two.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my gosh, why do I think that like your sorrow babe is like two years old? No, why?

SPEAKER_03:

She's just nearing the end of her infancy. Oh my gosh, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_02:

And now journey two.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my gosh, that's so fun.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I'm very grateful to be doing this again.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. No, I'm excited for you. Well, maybe we'll jump into that a little bit. But uh, what's our topic today? Our topic is um the impact that surrogacy has on children. Now, me and you can really only speak to our kiddos who are roughly the same age, but they were a part of surrogacy at much different ages in their lives because yours were yours was recent and mine was very much not. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess like how did you tell your because having a conversation with your husband or your spouse or whoever it is, right? Being like, hey, I want to be a surrogate, and then like that's the adult conversation. And then it's like, well, when do you tell your kids?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. So I waited in my first journey to tell them until I was officially matched because I wanted to be able to explain, like, these are the people that we are helping so that they could put, they were old enough, uh, they were seven at the time to understand like what a pregnancy was gonna look like, you know, versus having babies or toddlers or preschool aged children. Like they were gonna know everything that was going on. And they were old enough to understand at a more complex level than like a preschool aged kid. So I waited until they could actually see these are the people that were helping. Like, look at this is the mommy, this is the daddy. And um, having a nursing background, I just went straight to the facts. I was like, this is, you know, um, the mommy, this is her egg, and this is the daddy's sperm. And at that point, I had already given them the talk because again, labor and delivery nurse. So we talk about all the things. So it made the conversation very easy to say, like, well, the baby comes from them. But, you know, we used the analogy of like an oven that you need to borrow, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

The mommy, it's there, it's not your brother or sister. Um, and they seem to get it really quickly. They were like, Oh, you're just cooking the cookies for the mommy and the daddy. I'm like, yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing. And then, and then we'll give, you know, the baby to the mommy and the daddy who it already belongs to. We're just babysitting. So they understood that concept, I felt like super easily. Um we watched IVF videos on YouTube so they could see, like, this is what an egg retrieval looks like. This is how they make the baby and how an embryo grows. And yeah, I they really um took a pretty good interest in it in the beginning so that they could understand that this was not their sister.

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

And they never felt that way. They love her, they adore her. Um, they wish that our peas, of course, didn't live so far away. We miss them, you know. Um, but they also don't feel like they lost a sister or anything like that after the birth.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Okay, right. And that's, I mean, as long as you do your your due diligence as a parent, right? And like you explain it with the facts, then I don't think that we get those misconceptions. I mean, speaking myself as a child of a surrogate, like I was like, that's cool, I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, yeah, they were like the opposite. In fact, they were like, I don't think I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh my god, I love it.

SPEAKER_03:

I was like that. Well, I think because they're looking at me and how like I get pretty nauseous in my pregnancies.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_03:

So they're probably like, uh, I don't know about that. Like, I want my own children, but I'm not sure if I'm trying to do that extra. But who knows? Maybe they'll get lucky and they won't, you know, have such bad nausea in their pregnancies.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, exactly. Yeah, everybody's different. Everybody's different. How funny. Yeah, because when I had when I did my first pregnancy, when I did my first pregnancy, when I did my first surrogacy, my son was he had just oh my gosh, he had just turned a year old. Oh my gosh. He was a baby. He was a baby. I did my match call like January 16th, and my son's birthday is January 1st. And so like, and then I had then I got I had my transfer March 31st. So like baby was born in December. So he I was just like, there's no explanation here. You're not you know, you don't even know what anything is but the things that you want. Right, right. Yeah, so it didn't affect my life at all. And then the second journey, I would he was oh my gosh, he was two going on three. So he was three for the majority of that journey, and he like he was like, Okay, cool, mom's pregnant, whatever. Like, I'm pretty sure at that point he was just thought I was like large, like he was just like, mom's always big, like mom always has this wonderful pillow to lay on, because that's what he would do, just lay on my tummy the whole time. Um, and then my fourth one, my fourth one, my third one, he was four slash five, and so he was in TK and he told his teacher that his mommy was having a baby, but we were not gonna keep it, like she's getting rid of it. And I was like, ugh.

SPEAKER_03:

So do you explain with the second journey? Did he understand that or did you even bother telling him that you were pregnant? Did you even go there? Okay, yeah, like he met the so he met the dads.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, like the dads took like a huge interest in like getting to know us. Like, we like went, they came out before transfer. They came out in November and I had a transfer in December. And so they came out and we like spent a whole day at the park and the zoo, and like we went on this um funky car bike thing or whatever, and you know, and they just wanted to hang out with me and my son. And I thought that was like really sweet because I didn't have that in my first journey. I didn't meet my first couple in my first journey until I was six months pregnant, so you know, it's just like crazy difference. Um, so I explained and I was just like, Oh yeah, but he just he was like, Okay, whatever, I wanna go play on the playground now. Right. That's fine, go ahead, you know. But it was funny because my second couple's from Australia, so they would constantly talk to us about this show called Bluey, and I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about, and they're like, Trust me, you're gonna know soon. And I was like, Okay, like it hasn't hit yet, and they're like, It's gonna. Now I'm like, Oh, I had a little sneak peek. That is so awesome, yeah. So that's a fun one, but um, yeah, but my my third one mainly he understood. He was like, Oh, okay, but he he understood as best as he could, and like he didn't explain it right to strangers, and then this time, um, this time it like took a different effect. It was interesting because you know, my fourth journey, it didn't there was no we did not end up with a pregnancy, there was no baby to be had, and so um he watched me because he was seven. Six, he was six when I started this. So, you know, we um he saw me go through a lot of ups and downs, a lot of emotions. Um, and like I don't hide my emotions from my kid. I know some people do, and like I do when it's like needed, but like if it's like mom's sad, like I'm not gonna like lock myself in my room all day and like be sad. I'm gonna say, hey, you know what, ma I have a lot of emotions right now, and what makes me feel better is just hanging out with you, bud, and like watching a movie or whatever, you know. So I have a very empathetic child. Um, and that really showed because he he not that it took a bad toll, he was just like, This is so sad that you know, this mommy can't have a baby. And I was like, I it's so sad. Like it's you know, and we had a lot of conversations that like even though my mom was a surrogate, I didn't have those conversations with my mom. So are they inappropriate? Maybe to some, but I don't think it's inappropriate. My cu my kid's old enough and he's asked, he's asking me this question. I'm not sitting him down being like, let's learn about surrogacy today. Like no, like my kid is old enough to form sentences and ask whatever he wants to know. So it was a very different uh experience this time around, and I'm very grateful for it because my son taught me a lot this journey. Yeah. So it's it's interesting. What a sweetheart. Yeah, it was nice, it was nice to have him there. He reminds me of you know the the good that that this world can have.

SPEAKER_03:

You know, when you talk about the impact on our children with your first two journeys, I don't know if there really would have been a lasting impact for your son, like if you had never done a third and not gone on to do all these amazing things that you're doing. Like would he even ever know or think about it? Or like someday it would come up as like trivia. Hey, when you were three, I did a surrogacy. What? You know what I mean? Like, right.

SPEAKER_02:

There's photos. I mean, there's so many photos, because we live right next to Disneyland. So, like, there's so many photos of me pregnant when he was like two, and we're with all these characters, and he'll look back at them and be like, So what what baby was that? Was that one or two? Okay, at least you know, and we go on to explain. I'm like, they have names, but you know, it's fine. But um, I yeah, I don't think so. And you know, it's um it's funny because somebody just asked yesterday or whatever day it was, like, would you ever like inter like interview your son on the podcast? And I was like, Ash, would you want to like talk about your experience? And he's like, I mean, I can like I don't know anything from the first two, like I was there, and I was like, That's totally fair, like yeah, don't remember. And oh, I think a lot of surrogates do do this sometimes when their kids are really little, but then there are some who do it, like I feel like a lot of surrogates, their kids are either like between the ages of like one and twelve. That's what I've been seeing. Like they span from that. Because if you think about it, I mean the cutoff age is what 42?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, 42, 45 on like some rare circumstances if you have a recent pregnancy or something like that.

SPEAKER_02:

But yeah, yeah, and so you know, like there's not a lot of teenagers out there. I mean, there are. I know, um, I think Leslie's daughters are teenagers. Um shout out Leslie. Sorry, didn't we just throw you out there?

SPEAKER_03:

My agency owner, um the one of the co-owners. I'm pretty sure that her oldest was a teenager already. Oh, really? I think so, but I'm not positive. I could be lying.

SPEAKER_02:

But I don't have to tell you. And it's funny because like technically my brother and my sister were teenagers. Oh, yeah. Because they're my brother's 10 years older than me. So I was five. So my brother was 15, so he was in high school when all this happened. So yeah, that would make sense actually.

SPEAKER_03:

And do you remember your mom's first journey as a five-year-old?

SPEAKER_02:

As a five-year-old, the only thing I really remember was being scared because I I don't I my mom's like, you always tell the story wrong. And I'm like, Okay, well, this is what I remember as a five-year-old. We were at NBC Suites, we had gotten brunch because that's where the dads were staying, and then they were like, Hey, the pool's outside, you wanna like go in the pool? And I was like, Okay, cool. And one of them had like longer-ish, kind of like Jesse hair from Full House, but it was blonde and it was long, and he like clearly greased it back and everything. And when he went under, it like relaxed his hair. So when he came up, he like looked like somebody else, and it freaked me out. And that's literally the only part of the journey I remember is being scared as a five-year-old, like this guy going under and then coming back up and being like this totally different dude. And I'm like, that's I can't tell you anything else. We did run into them when I was like eight or nine at an airport in Florida, and they had two other babies, so they they went on to have other babies with other surrogates, but I don't remember the journey.

SPEAKER_03:

Did you recognize them when you saw them, or probably not?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, my mom spotted them and she ran back over. She's like, Yeah, guess who I just saw? And we're like, probably not. Who did you see? And she's like, Oh my, and so we like, you know, scouting all over the the airport, and we're like, Oh my gosh, they're right there. Okay, what do we do? And she's like, Well, I have to go say hi. And I'm like, Okay. So, you know, well, we all went over and said hi, and it was very awkward, but oh it wasn't great, but yeah, um, but I don't yeah, but I remember the second one, I remember the triplets, and that left a lasting impact. And I was your daughter's ages, so that makes sense that they all know this, you know.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, it's they like to tell their friends about it. I I think it has less of um that exciting appeal than it did the first time, you know, where they loved to tell everyone, but also like I'm not pregnant anymore. So we'll see with journey number two if they go back to telling everyone that they meet that like my mom's a surrogate, my mom's a surrogate. But they were super proud throughout the journey to tell like because all their friends at school would be like, Oh, are you, you know, gonna have a a new baby brother or sister? And so then they would love, you know, and all their little friends at school, they don't know what a surrogate is. And they would go home and ask their, I guess the classmates would ask their parents because some of the parents would laugh and tell me later that their kids were like, Mom, could you be a surrogate? You know, and they they would all I must have had like two or three different moms like tell me that their kids came home asking for them to be surrogates. Oh my gosh, how cute. Yeah, it was it was cute. But I thought, wow, look at my little kids like spreading the news. Right?

SPEAKER_02:

Just get getting that recruitment going.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, yeah. But it was like really interesting to have that dialogue um with some other kids too. Or I'm like, well, this is what it is, you know. I guess these kids are learning things whether their parents intended them to or not, just yet, but there's no shame in it, you know. I know I think probably some of these kids' parents probably just didn't maybe see that coming of like, oh, okay, well, now let's go ahead and talk about IVF and and what you know infertility is. And hey, like that's I don't think there's ever a bad time, you know, to talk or like a time that's too early, you know, to talk about that if your kids are bringing it up.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I I right there with you, I agree. Yeah wholeheartedly. So your kids, um, so your daughter, oh, I can call them daughters, because you got two of the same. So um, so your daughters, they're they're you wouldn't you would say that they were not negatively harmed or you know, like mentally Well, let me ask this then when it came time to like saying goodbye, like was that a was that a difficult process for them or were they like prepared?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, so one thing that was really important to me was having a relationship with the intended parents that was going to go beyond the journey. Like I didn't need them to be besties with me or anything, but I really wanted intended parents that were also seeking like an ongoing connection. Like they've invited us to the first birthday party, for example. You know, they continue to send us pictures. And so I don't really ever feel like there was a goodbye because it's not like, okay, go about your life now. We're never gonna talk again. And so that was really important to me because I don't feel like my kids feel like, oh, there was this amazing thing that my mom did and we held the baby, and then that was it. You know, um, I know that that's not for everybody, but it was absolutely for my family to do it that way. Um, so I'm really grateful for my my first set of intended parents that that was something that they also looked at and valued and saw like, yes, absolutely we see how that is important for your kids. We want that. We want our baby to know who you are, you know. So I've very much appreciated that throughout this year that they send me little pictures and videos and just every once in a while, you know, and that's that's exactly that's all my heart needs, you know, is just to know that they're as a family, yeah, doing the thing, you know, it's hard. Exactly. But yeah. So I I would not say that my children were necessarily like harmed by surrogacy. Did they have negative experience? Just there maybe a little bit. Um, because I do, and this is a me thing because I get so nauseous in pregnancy and also I'm stubborn. So like I don't want to take medications if I'm not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02:

Wait, wait, wait, Sarah, you're a nurse who is stubborn. Out of here.

SPEAKER_03:

Nurses are the worst patients. I'm the worst, but we're not I know your mom, like, yes, we're we are so bad. Um, so I don't want to take anything. And so, but that does come a little bit at the expense of my children who want me to be on like the trampoline with them. Not that I would be doing that even if I were feeling 100% like they and I told them more preemptively, yeah, like have the energy to do this or that thing. So um once things got a little bit more under control with the nausea, um, they got me back a little bit, but still, you know, you're tired, you're more slow, you're not running around chasing them, or like, I'm like, well, I'm not really gonna paint your nails right now because the fumes are naughty, you know, they're girly girls. And so little things would come up um throughout where they'd be like, I wish you weren't pregnant. And I'm like, Well, but also you keep asking me for your own sibling, and the it would be the same.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, it would be the same.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Have you ever thought about growing your family but aren't sure what your options are? Or maybe you're someone who wants to help others experience the joy of parenthood. That's where Paying It Forward surrogacy comes in. Paying It Forward Surrogacy is a full-service surrogacy agency that guides intended parents and surrogates through every step of the journey with compassion, transparency, and personalized care. From matching to legal support to emotional wellness, they make what can feel overwhelming feel deeply human and supported. Whether you're considering surrogacy to grow your family or you're ready to become a surrogate yourself, paying it forward surrogacy is there to walk beside you every step of the way.

SPEAKER_03:

So it would be the same even if I were growing up.

SPEAKER_02:

And even more so, because once baby's born, then mom has to like tend to baby more now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, and that's what I reminded them is like this would be the same, but amplified, you know, if mommy were. And I did pump for six and a half months. And so there was some of that where it'd be like, okay, hang on. I have to clean up my pump parts. I can't come tuck you quite yet. I have to clean up my flip and pump parts. Again, so much cleaning of the pump parts and the sterilizing and stuff. So it it's a time sacrifice, but I don't think they look back on it. Like they don't look back and say, I wish you didn't do that. They look back at it and say, like, wow, that's a really cool thing you did. You know, they see they met um the baby's grand, um, well, they didn't get to meet the baby's grandparents. I met the baby's grandparents. Um, but still like the grandparents had like given them a gift and stuff, and they have said some really cool reflective stuff of like, wow, if you didn't help make this baby, then those people, and I'm like, I'm gonna cry thinking about it. They're like, then those people would never have been grandparents because the dad is an only child. And so they they were understanding the ripple effect of our family's sacrifice. And I'm like, yeah, that's why mommy felt really called to do this. Because, like, look, now these people have a family that they couldn't have otherwise have. Now these people get to have a grandchild that they would never have had. Now this, you know, the mom has um I think it's a nephew. Yeah, has a nephew. Like now that nephew has a cousin. You know, like we are making so many more people's lives change than just this little three, little family of three. You know, like there's somebody now is gonna have a best friend someday that is the baby that we helped uh bring into this world. So it's really cool that they recognized that. And I think they were like, okay, this was hard, but it was absolutely worth it when you could see, you know. And I'm very grateful too to the parents for sending me those pictures and videos because I show them to my kids every time and they love to see it. And they're like, she's already walking. How does she have so many teeth? Like, oh, her laugh is so cute. Like they're just seeing the joy that is this baby.

SPEAKER_02:

I just love everything that you just said. I never like realized that, right? Because that's so interesting. I'm like going back in my head right now and I'm like, oh my gosh, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_03:

So yeah, it was hard. Um, and there were definitely times that they were like, I wish you weren't pregnant, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Like, yeah, they're kids, you know, who wants normal, normal mom. We want four moms. Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. But would they change it? No. And when I told them I was doing a second surrogacy, not gonna lie at first, they were like, Uh-oh. But I was like, but look at what we did the first time, you know, we built this family, and they were like, Yeah, okay. And then now that they have um met the intended parents just on the phone and learned their story, like they are also developing those soft hearts of like, they are excited for this journey now. They're not talking about like, you know, they're not having those little sour feelings.

SPEAKER_02:

Sure.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my gosh. Oh, I love that they got to talk to them and like they get to like start developing like a relationship with them too. That's really important, especially when they're at this age where like they're humans, like, you know, they're like little, they're like people.

SPEAKER_03:

They're like little adults. With big understanding. I mean, I remember a lot of things that I was thinking back when I was 10 and definitely thought I knew more. I didn't know anything, you know. But you feel like you understand so much when you're 10. And um, so the intended parents had got them just a little cute coloring book from where they're from, like that's all about like the city that they live in and some really cute glittery gel pens. And um, like the girls use those like pretty much every night, sometimes every other night to like coloring them and stuff. And just they are they already were creating that special connection. And my first set of IPs was intentional that way too. I feel like I scored with just the most thoughtful um IPs. And I think that that does help with the impact on our children, that they look at it and go, like, wow, these are really kind, appreciative people who just want a baby so bad, and how lucky that we can help them.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, exactly. And we're it's all it's all it's a family effort, I tell you right now. Our book, I know it's a look, my mom's a superhero, but like in the end, like everybody helps. Like, you know, it's it's a full family affair for sure. Um, okay, so I think we kind of went over it, but like, I mean, what do you think your your children learned from watching you be a surrogate?

SPEAKER_03:

Um, I think my children learned how hard pregnancy can be, but also how joyful it could be too. Yeah. Um, so there was some certainly some like a scientific, you know, uh observational knowledge gain that they had about like the process. And um, so that is one kind of neat benefit because they were so little, you know, they were born at the same time. So it's not like they ever really saw or had the opportunity to be like true big sister, little sister. Although today my baby A did wear a shirt that said big sister. We got some hand-me-downs and that was in it. And so she wore it, even though she's only eight minutes older.

SPEAKER_02:

Eight minutes. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, so it's pretty funny. Um, so I I think that they that that was a really cool experience for me being a labor and delivery nurse, that they got to see like a pregnancy evolve. They got to learn how to use like a Doppler and listen to the baby's heartbeat and see how things go through the pregnancy. Um for sure, my kids learned a different way of being helpers. They stepped up to the plate for me when there were things that I couldn't do. Um, I remember one night being just like so tired. I think I was, I was probably having like hormones or whatever too. And I just was crying. I was sick. I was just so tired of throwing up. And I had forgotten my prenatal vitamins downstairs. And I was like, already in bed. So then I'm crying, right? Because I'm like, I'm already here. I don't want to go back downstairs. And they just like took it upon themselves to be like, that's our job. Like, mom, I want to get your prenatals for you every night. And so that was like what they did. It was really cute that they really developed, I think, some empathy in there that, you know, not that they were like selfish children to begin with, but it was definitely an opportunity to grow emotionally. Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02:

A hundred percent.

SPEAKER_03:

And also the compassion to have for other people, to think outside of our family unit to look at how can we help a total stranger and feel really, really good about that.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Exactly. I agree. I think that's a big thing that we teach our kids. And you you you not that I mean this doesn't really matter, but like you helped a family that was heterosexual, right?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, both of my couples.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, okay, okay. And you know, and I what I what I personally have loved about teaching my son, because you know, my son for a long time I was a single mom. And so it well, actually, all my journeys, I was a single mom. So I really loved showing him that there are different types of families that we can help. There are like this last journey was a single mom. I've had um two babies for two different, you know, same-sex dads, and then I also had um a heterosexual couple for a journey. So I feel like I've been around. I've done it all, and well, not all, but you know, I've I've done a lot and showing him that and making him it probably just made me feel better being like, look, different families, it's all good. Like you deal here, but you know, I I do see that that definitely helped him um accept people because there are there's someone in his class that's gay. Like and I'm like the student is, huh?

SPEAKER_03:

The student is, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And I and I was like, and there's nothing wrong with that, right? He's like, absolutely not. Why do I care? And I was like, 100%, why do you care?

SPEAKER_03:

Why do you care? And And then in your fourth journey, having the opportunity to say, like, also single parents deserve to be parents.

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. Like this is somebody who does not have a partner but is so deserving of parenthood and desires that. And you wanted to be the one to help them with that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. And you know, he it was interesting because he really wanted to be the one. I remember when my transfer didn't take and he saw how sad I was. And then I don't know if it's because I was sad that he was sad, but he came up to me and he was like, I'm so sorry, mom, that we couldn't help her have a baby. And I was like, Okay. Okay. I just I couldn't, I was just like, who are you? You're like my little person. I don't like it's just the lessons that our kids learn just by watching us, like you don't think about it and like you think that the selfless things that you're doing or just the things that you're not even thinking of that you're doing, like they see it all and they learn from it. They learn from everything. And so yeah, he's definitely learned to be a very empath he was always empathetic, but to be a very empathetic person towards people who are different, especially, and like does not doesn't blink an eye at all. He's like, Okay, well, like what's wrong, what's wrong with that? And like, uh 100% I know I'm raising you right. Yeah. Oh gosh. Um, let's see. One of the questions I don't know if we'll answer it, but it says, Do you feel it's influenced how they think about family kindness and reproduction?

SPEAKER_03:

Say that again.

SPEAKER_02:

Do I do you feel that surrogacy journey has influenced how your children think about family kindness and reproduction? I think you kind of already touched on that.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. I mean pretty inclusively.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. We're good. We don't need to have that one. Let's see. Um they have an understanding that it doesn't, it's not always like first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage, like we were all taught, you know, it's like 100% doesn't always happen that way. And so I think, yeah, that they have definitely learned that there is this thing in fertility, and this is what it can look like.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. And it's crazy. I know people are probably out there being like, your kids are nine and ten. What do you like? What do you mean they understand infertility? Like, they understand how hard it is for some people to have babies. That it's not just, oh, like you see in the movies, oh look, they got married, oh look, they had a baby, oh look, they're living their beautiful fairy tale lives. Like to make the world be cookie cutter, yes, we should do that for our children in some ways, absolutely. Like, why not? But when you're stuck, not stuck, but when you're in the middle of surrogacy, how are you gonna be like, yeah, life is cookie cutter?

SPEAKER_03:

Like it's what's sad to me is you look at the staggering statistic that one in six couples will encounter in fertility.

SPEAKER_04:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

And like, look at their whole classmates. Like, there's going to be somebody in their class who encounters this. And what's what really is sad to me is when people really just didn't think that it could happen to them or they didn't know anybody because nobody's talking about it. I just had a coworker today, she may need to use a surrogate. Um, she's uh did a transfer, betas are looking good. So hopefully she can just carry this baby on her own. But you know, we've been talking a lot about this. And she said, um, you know, at first when I first started sharing openly because I felt like that was something I needed to do, I didn't know anybody else. And she said, and then the more I started talking about it, the more other coworkers were like, oh, me too, me too, me too. And people started talking about it more and then celebrating each other's highs and lows and going through, you know, all of those emotions together with all the injections and all it was just a way for them to bond that they were instead suffering in silence. So I am glad that our kids know about this kind of stuff. So I mean, God forbid, should they encounter it someday themselves? Like there's a level of familiarity.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. And then they know they're not alone. Like you're not like going into like the unknown of abisque, whatever that word is. Like I can't think right now. But you know, like you're just because I feel like a lot of people that are in this community, when they do talk about it, they're like, Oh, I didn't know anybody. And it's like, why? Why don't we know anybody when you literally just said the statistic is one in six? Like they're they're there, they're just they're just not there. Like it's hard. It's hard. But obviously, like, you know, this isn't taught in sex ed, and I get why, but like at the same time, maybe it should be.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. Maybe it should be. Although they're probably like, no, don't bank on not getting not being able to get pregnant. Like, that's this all of you tasks to try and see if maybe you're the one in six, you know. Right. Yeah, let's not uh let's not gamble on that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Um, would you, if you could go back, well, you're on your second journey, actually. So I'm gonna ask it like this. Would um are you involving your children differently this journey?

SPEAKER_03:

Um earlier. So, you know, the last journey, like I said, I waited until I was matched. This time I told them up front, like, look, mommy and daddy are doing this again, you know. So they knew before I was matched. Okay. They knew when I had match calls. Um, because they'd be like, How did it go? Yay or nay, you know. Um they so yes, I involved them much earlier this time. They knew all about when I went out for my uh medical screening, and they haven't really asked anything lately. Like everybody else in my life is like, so when's the transfer? When's the transfer? I'm like, I get through legal first, you know. So they haven't really asked for like a timeline quite yet.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Um I'm actually kind of surprised by that, but that would be the difference, is just involving them a little bit more early.

SPEAKER_02:

Sure. And that makes sense. I mean, they're having they seem interested enough, you know.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, exactly. You're not forcing it on them. No, but they already know what surrogacy is, and they already know like a little bit about what it entails. So I didn't feel like, you know, last time I wanted to wait until I was matched so I could really explain what surrogacy is.

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

They already know. There's I don't have to, there's no unveiling, you know.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Not a big secret, like not like, yeah, it's not like this big, let's sit down and have this big conversation and map it all out. Now they've been through it. So they're just like, who is it this time? What like, you know, is it a boy or a girl? Like the fun stuff. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Which actually on that note is really cool. I don't think my intended parents are gonna find out. Like they had they know that they have both embryos, um, boys and girls. And so that's kind of fun, is you know, maybe the girls will be. I'm just fantasizing now. My IPs have not said anything like this to me. But like, other than they they don't know, they're not going to know what they transfer. They're gonna leave it up to the clinic to pick the best one and transfer. But like I've seen some really cute stuff that surrogates have done um for IPs, or that you know, IPs have coordinated with the surrogate to do like gender reveal.

SPEAKER_02:

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SPEAKER_01:

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SPEAKER_03:

Oh, like stuff together. So I'm like, oh, that'll be fun because I with my twins um absolutely intended. I always thought because my mom never knew what she was having, that I would do the same.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh.

SPEAKER_03:

And then I found out there were two babies, and I was like, that's enough surprises for me. So as soon as we can tell what they are, that would be great. Sure, that's fair. Yeah. So this will be a little bit of a different experience.

SPEAKER_02:

That's so cool. That'll be fun. Yeah, they can find they can find out with you. That'd be a fun little way. That'd be that'd be fun. Um, I don't think I could ever like wait. Like as soon as I can know, if I if I was able to know, like at conception, I want to know. My sister, she went through a whole pregnancy and didn't know. And I was like, how, woman, how? Like, I would be going nuts. Every ultrasound, I'd be like, What what is that? What's that? Is what is that a foot? Is that not a right? What's going on? Like, I would be nope. My curiosity would kill me. Gosh. I wish I could because what a fun surprise. Like, boom, now you have a daughter, or boom, now you have a son. But also, so I need to mentally prepare. Right. Yeah. Sorry, that was like a sidetrack. Um, anyways, uh, let's see. Oh, what advice would you give to other surrogates about preparing their children?

SPEAKER_03:

Um, it's gonna have to be age appropriate, right? So I've had some gestational carrier friends who are like, I didn't even tell my, you know, my one-year-old, my two-year-old, three or three-year-old, sometimes four, where they're like, I literally just didn't tell them anything, had the baby and moved on with life. I'm like, that is impressive, even at four. Um, yeah. My advice would be to keep it simple, yet not be afraid of any questions that they have. Really think in advance about how you want to explain it to them. Use some of those analogies. I think I've heard from a lot of surrogates that the baking the cookies thing makes a lot of sense to a lot of kids of various ages. Um yeah, I think I think have a plan for when it comes up.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

It's easy. But yeah, it all is age appropriate because if you have a two-year-old, there's probably not a conversation. If you have a nine-year-old, there's gonna be questions. A heck.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, wait, how did the baby get in there?

SPEAKER_02:

Let's you know, right, exactly. Yeah, all these, all the things. So definitely, and there's books, you know, there's I think there's books for different ages and things like that.

SPEAKER_03:

And so it's just, you know, in the community. And find your find your YouTube videos like I did if you're nerdy and really wanting them to understand if they are older, you know, and wanting to know um more about it, because there are some really great um like transfer videos on there. Like, this is what is gonna happen. This is how they're gonna put the baby in me, you know, that the dog.

SPEAKER_02:

I love watching those, and I'm like 30. And like my husband's in school right now, and he's like, hun, you'll never guess like what we're learning. We're learning about like fertility and like all these things. And I'm like, I bet I know all that. Like, what are you watching?

SPEAKER_01:

I'm like, this is fascinating.

SPEAKER_03:

And it totally is, it never gets old. So um, yeah, I think just not to be afraid to talk about it and to normalize it, right? Normalize surrogacy, just nor yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

If you that's I think that's like my biggest problem with like everything in life. I'm not gonna go off on a tangent, but like the things that are taboo are taboo because they're not being normalized. If it's just like normalized, being like accepted, then who the hell cares?

SPEAKER_03:

Right. And having since I've become a gestational carrier and I've shared my story, I've now met other people who I never would have known had a family member who used a surrogate, or you know, had a relative, you know, uh who like is currently looking, or my sister-in-law told me her um is it's one of the teachers I think at her daughter's school. Like that there are these little connections that it is a thing people in our local area are are experiencing every day.

SPEAKER_02:

And I think it's becoming more, I don't know if it's becoming more common or more accepted because I hear more stories about people being like, oh, I'm you know, we we're in infertility or we are, you know, going with a surrogate or or things like that. I maybe because my world is consumed by it, but also at the same time, like I just hear like random people on the street talking about it. So I'm like, oh, well, there you go. Yeah, normal, normal people. Who cares how you have a family?

SPEAKER_03:

This is how this family's being grown. Oh, okay, you know, demystify.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, exactly. Exactly. Um, so what was the most surprising reaction your child had during or after your surrogacy? Surprising. Was that like kind of was like, oh, that's unexpected.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, uh, I honestly was surprised at how well they seemed to understand it even at seven years old. The the first few things they said, and I feel like I maybe shared this when I shared my journey, but to circle back, it was so cute when I was explaining to them like that I'm gonna be pregnant for somebody else. And what my if baby A says, um, we get to see you pregnant, like that. That was what she was excited about was like, we never have seen mommy pregnant before. We didn't think that was gonna happen because mommy said there's not gonna be any brothers or sisters. So she was excited about like a pregnancy, you know. And then the sweetest thing that my baby B said was um when I was explaining that right now the baby is already created. She's what's called an embryo and she's frozen so that she doesn't grow. She's just little cells. And she says, Is the baby cold? Like, oh, no, she's not cold. She doesn't have a nervous system yet. But you know, it was just so sweet how like fair thoughtful she was.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Like a fair question. You said it totally, but she's frozen.

SPEAKER_03:

She's frozen, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

It's like Elsa. She's got she's got that armor around her. She's got how cute is that? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

So I was pleasantly surprised with how excited they were about me being pregnant. Yeah, that kind of surprised me a little bit. Um, otherwise, I think how they responded throughout was as you would expect, they love babies, like they're 10-year-old little girls. Right.

SPEAKER_04:

Exactly. Right.

unknown:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03:

They love holding babies, looking at babies, talking to babies, playing with babies, you know. Yeah, exactly. So like when the surgic baby came, um, when she came to visit, like they were all about sitting on the floor, playing with her, handing her toys. You know, does she want her milk? Does she want, you know, yeah. Yeah. Sweet.

SPEAKER_02:

I love that. Um, I'm trying to go back in my mind about my son, and like he didn't meet the he didn't meet the last baby that I had, because that was a whole bunch of drama. But um and that pregnancy was just drama, so I just tried to like keep that away. But I'm trying to think. I I really like the thing that really sticks out to me is he was almost two. The baby was born December 15th of 2017, and my son was turning two January 1st, so like two weeks, three weeks apart. Um, and the baby was born. I actually have a picture of it too, and I like love it so much. And I'm sitting in the hospital bed, I'm holding little girl, and my son's on the bed, kind of like in between my legs, like looking at me, and his hand is like reaching out in the photo, and it's like on my like stomach. And like I could tell he was processing, and he was just so mesmerized by like this little baby, and like he just like was just like pet, like you know, like petting the little baby, like being so nice, like us a baby. I was like, Yeah, that's the baby that was in mommy's tummy, and like it all processed through him, and he was just like, That's the daddy. I was like, Yeah, it is, and like it just that whole moment of everything where like I got to see them be dads, and then my son grasped the fact at like almost two years old, being like, Mommy's tummy's not big anymore. That thing, I think that was the thing that was causing it, and like it's here, and it's kind of cute, yeah. Like, you know, like and it was just like, oh my gosh, and I just that just stuck with me, and I was like, I have to do this again. Like, I have to, it was like the cherry on top of everything, and it was just great, and so I mean, my kids done other great stuff, I'm sure, but Sergio C's been a part of his life as long as he can remember, so that's the one that sticks out, so yeah, and that instinct to be gentle, you know, and touch the baby, isn't that so precious? It was I was like, because I have a nephew, I have nephews who are a little rowdy, like they're boys. My son, my son was not like he would never boy boy, like my son's always been like, huh, shall we walk across Disneyland today and have have a have a churro? Like, you know, that's my I swear. Yes, we shall. I'm like, okay, hun. But um, yeah, so yeah, I was very, it was very sweet.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, okay, and then last question: if your child was sitting here, what do you think they'd say about the surrogacy experience? I wish they were sitting here. My husband just took them to my mother-in-law's guys. I would just ask him, what would they say about the surrogacy experience? Oh I think they would say that they that it was cool.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And um and I know that they're proud of me.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I think my son would say the very close to the same things. It's it's cool. Those are people have families now. Like it's awesome. So I do. I don't I don't think that we're the help me with the words today, Sarah. Anon anomaly.

SPEAKER_03:

Anomaly.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you, right? We're not like the outsiders with sir with surrogate babies that are like this. Or with babies. Oh my gosh, hold on. With children of our own that are like this for surrogacy. Uh, does that make any sense? That probably is. Whose keepers, whose keepers are, yeah. Whose keepers? Yeah, I don't think we're the only ones that have keepers that think this way. I think a lot of keepers think this way. So weird. I'm a keeper. I've never literally put myself as like, hey, I'm a keeper.

SPEAKER_03:

She met me. Woo! I don't, it's you know, I didn't love the language when I first saw it. I was like, that's such a weird because it's not because we're not giving away a baby. I think that's why the language always bothered me, but it is the colloquialism. Yeah, it's what people use. Yeah, it is what people use. We didn't come up with the term, no, and I wouldn't have it, and that's yeah. But I use it for clarity in this moment. Yeah. Yeah. My own children, yes, yes, separate from from surrogate baby.

SPEAKER_04:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I think that a lot of kids of surrogates feel like proud of what their mom has done. I mean, you can testify.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. I followed in her footstep for crying out loud. Uh-huh. I was like, uh, that's cool.

SPEAKER_03:

Right?

SPEAKER_02:

I just didn't want to do the triplet thing. So that was I'm fine with that.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh-huh. Yeah right. We're good, we're good on that.

SPEAKER_02:

We're good on singletons.

SPEAKER_03:

We're good. Singletons good. I mean, if this next journey it splits to two, I guess I'm riding that, you know, wave again, and that's okay. But a singleton is it was a it was a good journey.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

There you go. Yeah. Healthy baby, right? That's the big goal.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my gosh. Well, I'm so excited for your next journey.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Thank you. You where are you at? Um, this is week two of legal. So, you know, the typical, like you're, you know, you wait a few weeks usually to get a contract, right? So yes.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, oh my gosh. Um, okay. Well, thank you, Dara. You're amazing. I always love talking to you. I don't even know where we like end it. We like went off on like our own little conversation, but it's fine.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, that's it's so much fun. I was very much looking forward to connecting with you today, and it's always a pleasure.

SPEAKER_02:

It's always so fun. I'm so excited. I'm excited for your second for your second journey. So, you know, I'll be stalking you still. So thank you.

SPEAKER_03:

All right, well, have a great evening. Thank you so much. You too. Thanks. Bye.

SPEAKER_02:

Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Sarah, for sharing your experience with your children about being children of surrogates. Um, if anybody has any questions or stories that they would like to share, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram at StopPeriodsit Period Surrogate, or you can email me at stop periodsitperiod surrogate at gmail.com. And this has been another episode of Stopsit Surrogate. Thanks everyone. Bye. Today's episode of Stop Sit Surrogate is brought to you by Nappy Ending Surrogacy Agency, Paying It Forward Surrogacy, and Surrogacy Simplified. Thank you for supporting the surrogacy community with us.

SPEAKER_00:

If you enjoyed this podcast, be sure to give us a like and subscribe. Also, check out the link to our YouTube channel in the description. And be sure to also check out our children's book, My Mom Has Superpowers, sold on Amazon and Etsy.