Attachment In Surrogacy

 #surrogacy #ivf #surrogate 

Amanda’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amandas.progression?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ== 

Amber’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ambereshleman?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ== 

People love to ask surrogates one dramatic question: “How could you give up the baby?” We get why it sounds shocking from the outside, but it also skips the most important part of gestational surrogacy: we’re carrying a baby for the intended parents, with a clear purpose and a clear plan for birth, legal parentage, and what comes after.

We sit down with Amber and Amanda to talk honestly about attachment in surrogacy, including the part nobody prepares you for. Amanda shares how pumping breast milk, bringing milk to the NICU, and even nannying the newborn for a full month changed the emotional texture of postpartum. Amber explains the mindset many gestational carriers hold from day one, plus what it’s like when closure doesn’t happen the way you expected and how support can show up later in surprising ways.

We also dig into the real-world moments that shape a surrogacy journey: judgment from strangers, explaining the science and the “not biologically related to me” reality, and how kids process “mom has a baby in her belly, but it’s not ours.” We talk boundaries, too, including why being labeled “mom” can feel wrong even when it’s meant as praise, and how intended parents and surrogates can set expectations early to protect the relationship.

If you care about surrogacy education, intended parent support, and the mental health side of the postpartum experience, this conversation will give you language you can actually use. Subscribe, share with someone who still thinks surrogacy means “giving up a baby,” and leave a review telling us what question you want answered next.

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Transcript

Welcome And Sponsor

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome. We are a mother-daughter podcast about all things surrogacy. Together, we have brought eight beautiful babies into this world, and we would like to share through education and knowledge about surrogacy with those who want to educate themselves on the topic. This is Stop, Sit, Surrogate. This episode is sponsored by U.S. Surrogacy LLC. If you've ever dreamed of helping grow a family or are hoping to grow your own, US Surrogacy LLC is here to guide you every step of the way. They are a dedicated surrogacy agency committed to supporting intended parents and surrogates through a compassionate, ethical, and well-supported journey. U.S. Surrogacy LLC works with amazing women who want to make a life-changing difference by becoming a surrogate while also helping intended parents experience the incredible gift of parenthood. Their team focuses on transparency, strong communication, and personalized support so that everyone involved feels confident, cared for, and informed throughout the entire process. If you've ever considered becoming a surrogate, or if you're an intended parent exploring your options, US Surrogacy LLC is ready to help you take that next step. To learn more about their programs and how you can get started, visit us-surrogacy.com. That's us-surrogacy.com. And now let's get into today's episode. Hi everybody. Welcome back to Stopsit Surrogate with Kennedy and Ellen. Hi everybody. Friday Facts. We are going to talk about attachment or not attachment in surrogacy. Um, so we are gonna let you ladies introduce yourselves. We have two wonderful surrogates. Um, Amber, you want to introduce yourself?

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Yes, uh, I'm Amber. I'm a one-time surrogate from Georgia working on my second journey.

unknown 1:59

Yay! Yay!

SPEAKER_00 2:01

And Amanda. I'm Amanda. I'm a three-time surrogate. I just finished my third journey and I'm from Pennsylvania. Yay! Oh yeah, you are early.

SPEAKER_04 2:14

Amanda messaged me this morning at like 4 a.m. and I was like, she must be somewhere that's super ahead.

SPEAKER_03 2:21

Yeah, I think uh are we the same time zone?

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Uh we probably are, yeah. Eastern we're on east, eastern, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:28

Oh, okay. Well, we're just over here.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

I was up way early. So sorry. Oh gosh, bless your heart.

SPEAKER_04 2:35

Um, all right. Well, let's just get right into it, right? Because the number one thing that I hear as a surreal is like, oh my gosh, how could you give up the baby? That it's your baby.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

No, it's in that voice that you hear people say it.

SPEAKER_04 2:49

Yeah, it is. When they say it, that's how I hear it. That's how you hear it. Oh, uneducated. Fine.

unknown 2:54

Fine.

Debunking "Give Up The Baby"

SPEAKER_04 2:54

I'll roll in everything. Yeah, thanks. But do you ladies, do you have you guys encountered that? Like, do you not feel attached? Do you feel attached? Like, do you get those remarks?

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Um, so yes. And I would always be like, no, you don't get attached to them because they're not your baby. However, um, this journey was a little bit different. And I can share now, or we can see how Amber feels. Um, but this journey, I I did pump for the baby, and I also acted as a nanny for the baby for the first month of her life. No way. So um, she turned one month and then a little thereafter they went home um to the UK. And yeah, so it was different, and I did get attached.

SPEAKER_04 3:45

Ah, okay. I would have too. Sorry. Well, that's different, but that's a great topic. We're gonna circle right back to that in a minute.

unknown 3:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:54

Um, Amber, what about you?

SPEAKER_03 3:57

Yes, so definitely. Um, I think one of the biggest things that I like to also tell people is, you know, you go into it with a certain mindset, you know, going into it, like I'm not doing this for myself. If I wanted a baby, I would just have a baby for myself. So I'm I'm going into it to not get attached, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

Makes sense. Yes, it does. To those in the community, totally makes sense. Yes, yes, absolutely. Yes. And yeah, I think part of it is they they they don't know that you're not using your own egg. Like it is the science behind it. I don't think a lot of people understand that. So it's like, how could you not be attached? It's part of you. Yeah, well, let's back up. Yeah, it's not that's all.

SPEAKER_04 4:32

Very true, and I'll just touch on it just so we give our two cents real quick in case it's somebody's first time here with us. Uh, three, three and a half time surrogate, but really just a three-time surrogate. Um, but I never got attached to the baby. I literally only got attached to my last I am. I like loved her so much, but I did get attached to my mom's second journey family. Um weird. So weird.

SPEAKER_02 4:59

At the age of eight.

SPEAKER_04 5:00

Yeah, that's odd.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

I also got attached to them, but yeah, not the baby. I mean, I love the babies, but not the was happy to see them. Bye-bye. Love you. Bye-bye.

Pumping And NICU Milk Runs

SPEAKER_04 5:09

Oh, you didn't get attached to any of the babies? No. Okay. Well, we just had to run through that real quick. Okay, I gotta go back to you, Amanda. All right, so you you nannie'd. How did that come about?

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Seriously. Okay. So um, so with this journey, like I my first two journeys was for the same couple, and um I did not pump besides like at the hospital, I pumped just to get that little bit of liquid gold out, but I didn't keep pumping. So this time um they wanted me to pump, and I was like, absolutely cool, I will pump. And so she was exclusively breast milk fed um until uh they left. And even when she was in the hospital. So um I was pumping before I got to the hospital. I had a whole bunch. It's like for the first, so for the week before she was born, I was pumping. I also thought this would help me go into labor. It didn't. Okay, so um, I kept pumping, you know, through my labor, um, and then in the hospital when I got home. So I had a nice stash when we got there. Um, and they were like, this is wonderful. Well, she ended up having jaundice and she needed to stay um for a week in the NICU. So I was pumping at home and bringing the milk to the hospital. Now it's only like 15 minutes from my house, like it's not really far. Um, and they were the dads were staying also in that town. Um, and I was off work, so I was just, you know, pumping and bringing milk. And um, you know, so I would see her, I'd get to go and visit her, you know, in the hospital. And then they did go back to their house, and I was still bringing over the milk. And after a couple of days, they were like, We need to have you here always. They were like, This is a lot. So my previous couple was like super, super prepared to be dads, like, and they were like very much like there was a clear line. My attachment was to the dads, not so much to the babies. I loved the babies, but I didn't have that like a lot of one-on-one time with them after you know, they were born. It was like an hour after birth and like an hour later, and like an hour before they left for home. It wasn't so like three hours after they were born.

SPEAKER_05 7:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Um, but you know, her, I was I was actually the first skin to skin too, because they plopped her on top of me and they didn't do the cutting until um the cord stopped pulsing. Okay. Okay. So yeah, so and and they were all these were like really needy dads, really ill prepared, very overwhelmed with the whole process. And they just said, you know, would you be able to, you know, come over and and help with the baby? And I was like, Yeah, absolutely, I will. You know, um, I didn't necessarily think of the like consequences of that action.

SPEAKER_02 8:08

Okay, which was attachment, but which was attachment. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:14

Yeah, did would you say that you had attachment during the pregnancy? No. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

It was taken. It was just a normal, it was just a normal pregnancy. It was just a normal, like a normal surrogacy pregnancy, whereas I know this baby is not mine, and I still know the baby's not mine. Right.

SPEAKER_04 8:33

You just you grew you grew a great love for her. Like you were you guys bonded. Like that's totally you were a caretaker. Caretaker bond with their children, yeah. I would think you're inhumane right if you didn't not have grown some type of attachment after like caring for her and and being there like daily, like for like a month.

SPEAKER_03 8:53

Like that's that's gonna say, yeah, if you have a if you have an actual baby in front of you, who's not gonna love that?

SPEAKER_02 8:59

Yeah, and miss it when it's gone. Like exactly, of course. Like, did you did you cry extra hard when she left?

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Oh, yeah. My husband was like, My husband knew it would be this way, like when I was like, I'm gonna go watch the baby, and he was like, That's like the best idea. And I'm like, Yeah, it's the best idea. And then, like, um, you know, because I would be alone with her while they were trying to catch up with sleep and and stuff like that. So we had like a lot of just me and her one-on-one time bonding, and they were like, She's so much better for you, she acts so good for you. And I'm just like, you know, but my voice was the first voice she knew, and my smell was the first smell she knew. And yeah, I she heard my heart for nine months, so you know, it's like of course the baby is going to it's a calming nature, yeah. It's definitely not something I would I don't necessarily and for this reason, because you know, it's hard on everybody that extra all those hormones and all those feels, and you're like and you're like constantly sniffing a baby, just like yay, baby. I don't, but I didn't want another baby, obviously. My youngest is 11. No, thank you.

SPEAKER_04 10:13

Oh gosh, yeah. Oh my gosh, starting over. That's that's me right now. Right, I know. Dear Lord. That's fine. You said it, not me. Yeah, I said it. Great, love it. No, but that that's completely I think that's completely acceptable.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

Are you sorry you did it? Are you sorry you watched her?

SPEAKER_04 10:32

Not at all. No, see, I would yeah, and did you want to pack her in your in your purse and take her home? Um, I think my husband did.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Oh, so he got attached to yeah, and my my youngest is 11, and she would come with me a lot when I would go over there, and she loved holding the baby and taking care of the baby too. So yeah, so it was I I would say us three, not all my kids met this baby. Um, I kind of gave them the choice. Um, and really Nomi was the only one that was like, I want to go over and see the baby. Um, yeah. So and then the other like the other two that went and met the baby, they um they were just like, you know, they held the baby and they were like cool and they hung out for like an hour, but then they left. So yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:19

Teenagers.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

Teenagers, right?

SPEAKER_04 11:21

Yeah. How funny. Amber, what about you? Because you have completed one journey. So and you've been in this, I mean, you work in the industry. I've got Amber gave her a story, what like a couple weeks ago, I think. Um yeah, but um, so you did were you attached at all, like during pregnancy or after birth?

Nannying After Birth And Bonding

SPEAKER_03 11:45

No, so it was more just excitement for them. Um, as I mentioned, like when I talked to you, and I'll remind everybody too, like I worked in OB, so I got to scan myself all the time. So like it was just fun because I was like, oh, look at what your baby's doing right now, you know, it's updating them on like what was going on. And then after the delivery, like I didn't get the closure that I needed, and so it was just kind of like no, because I I didn't have the opportunity to get attached, if that makes sense. Yeah, yes. But I will say, uh, had a little bit of redemption redemption a couple weeks ago. So my boss Jennifer, um, not my surrogate baby, but my boss Jennifer, she delivered back in December, and her intended dad was in Florida, and he has family like that lives close to us, and so he's like moving up here. Well, she delivered a whole month early and he didn't have his like house ready, and so he's actually living in her basement at the moment. She has like a fully furnished basement. Uh so he's a single dad. Um, she is in the same boat as you, Amanda. She like is pretty much being a nanny to this baby.

unknown 12:52

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 12:53

Um, and so his so he's elder, he's a little bit older. I won't say elderly, but he's a little bit older.

SPEAKER_05 12:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:01

And his mom died recently, and he was gonna have to travel like two hours. And because of the baby was being still kind of on the pre me side, he was afraid to go that far alone with him. And so I kept him overnight. You did? Oh wow, I did. So my son did not get to hold my surrogate baby, but he got to hold Jennifer's, my boss.

SPEAKER_04 13:22

So I just got that chills answer.

SPEAKER_03 13:24

That's that's like circle moment. Yes. So, like, you know, I was just telling you all of the bad stuff that happened, and then this this happened pretty much like right after. So that's really we got home, and my son was like, I love him. Oh, hold on, blur my screen so you can see it. Well, look, you've got a little work. I know it's kind of hard. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Oh, look how happy your son is.

SPEAKER_03 13:51

Like he's like, yes, I love him. I said, Well, we're not keeping him.

SPEAKER_04 13:57

Oh sweet. No, but I'm really happy because I remember that was a hard, that was that was a hard ending for you, not the ending that you had imagined. So I love that there's like some redemption for you in your family.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

It's happened for reasons, they do. Not that you should have had a hard ending, but that part of it where you got to kind of help somebody else. Yes.

Amber’s Journey And Redemption Moment

SPEAKER_04 14:20

Yeah, yeah. So when people do, or if they have, if they haven't, go ahead and share that too. But um, do people have people ever come up to you guys and been like, you're you're attached? Like, how can you give up this baby? How how how how dare you, you know, sell your child or whatever? I've heard some absurd things. Um Amanda, you said something in the past. I'm curious if you're gonna say it again. So if you don't, I'm gonna repeat what you said.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

Oh my god, what did I say?

SPEAKER_04 14:53

I don't remember all the things I'm saying. You said that it was like rent, you were renting out your womb. You went, you didn't you didn't sell a baby, you were renting out your womb. It was never your baby, but um yeah, so have you ladies ever encountered those interactions?

SPEAKER_00 15:08

Yeah, I mean, I have, but when I explain it, I'm like, it's not biologically related to me. And I I mean, I was really honest, like with my three children, I bonded with them after I gave birth to them. Like I, you know, you have your nice little yay, I feel my belly, and it's fun, but you don't really I don't for me, I didn't really like get that I'm a mom feeling until I was with my baby, yeah. You know, until you're holding your baby and nursing your baby and all those things, um, getting to like enjoy their little faces and their little personalities as they grow. And you don't you don't usually have that with a surrogate baby in the same way. Um, and so you know, I explained that to somebody, and like one of my mom friends was like, you know, she was like, you know, how are you doing? Like after the baby left, because and I said, to be honest, the not as well as I did with the others, because you know, there's that I just could take care of her every day, she's lovely. But I mean, I was happy I got to go home and sleep all night, right? You know, these dads were run ragged and they couldn't even figure out, you know, it was two of them doing a diaper change. Oh, like it took a while before they were one man to a baby. Yeah. And um, so for me, I was like happy to help, but happy to leave and get my rest and all the things, right? Right, right.

SPEAKER_03 16:30

Yeah, no, that's a good way to put it. I'll be a hundred percent honest. I pretty much told everybody, like, hey, I'm doing surrogacy, anybody a str a stranger, I would tell them about it. And I honestly didn't get any bad reactions.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

Wow, wow, lucky.

SPEAKER_03 16:45

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_04 16:46

Because you're because I we talked about it, right? Aren't you in like the the Bible belt or something? I am, yeah, okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

So like that people just kept their opinions to themselves, apparently, as they should. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

My first my first couple was from Georgia. People did not keep their opinions to themselves when we visited. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_03 17:02

Well, I think it's definitely a lot more normalized now. I think it's getting there at least.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

No, I think it's great, fantastic. And and I I look at it as like I didn't attach, I task or job well done. When that baby or babies came out healthy, crying, it was like the relay. Here you go, here's the baton, your turn. I I did it, your turn. That is exactly how I felt in every single one. Was I excited to see them? Yeah. Oh, hi little guy. Hi, kiddo. What's your name?

unknown 17:38

Hi.

SPEAKER_03 17:38

I want to know what your name is.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

My name's Eli.

SPEAKER_03 17:41

Eli. Eli.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

I love that name. Hi, buddy. Eli. Hi, Eli.

unknown 17:47

Hi.

SPEAKER_03 17:48

They said hi. How old are you? You're in my ears.

SPEAKER_02 17:51

Oh four.

SPEAKER_05 17:52

You're four. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 17:54

That's a great age. Big boy. Yeah. All right, go back to daddy.

SPEAKER_05 18:00

So cute.

SPEAKER_03 18:02

You said super speed.

SPEAKER_04 18:04

Sorry. Oh no, don't be. I love when we get little little bombards from the kiddos. It's so sweet. Um, see, like now my brain just went.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

It's okay.

SPEAKER_04 18:15

What you were saying.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

Did you attach, Kennedy? No, I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 18:18

Did I attach?

unknown 18:18

No.

SPEAKER_04 18:19

Especially that last baby. Well, we know baby out of here. But uh my my first surrogate baby, she she um, that was great. I mean, they stayed because they were from they were from Asia, so like they had to stay here for like a month. They did not have me be a nanny, they had a professional nanny show up 15 minutes after the birth. So like that was super fun. But they were super great. And you know, we we got to go out to dinner with them a couple times before they left, and like, but I could just care not care less, but like I was like, good baby's healthy baby is clearly being very well taken care of by like all these people in this house. Um, and I was just like, let's let's I want to talk to you guys. How how are you doing as dad? Like, how how's it going? It was it was fun, and then my second couple, um I have a closer relationship than my first couple, but again, they live way overseas, they live in Australia, and but I I get pictures every now and then. I just got a picture, she's so big, she's like six, and I'm like, oh my gosh, I remember when you were like tiny. Like, so it's it's fun. Um third couple, I don't know, hope you're well. Um, and then fourth couple, fourth couple, fourth, fourth, fourth journey. Um, it didn't, there was no baby at the end of it, but best journey of my life, best intended mother I've ever met. Love her to pieces, and I got attached to her. And I was yeah, really, really, really, really sad when that ended. I took a while to like process before I told anybody, like, okay, this is not it anymore.

SPEAKER_03 19:57

I know you posted your video and I crowd with you. I was like, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_04 20:01

It it was hard. And there was we were on that journey together for two years. Like there, and there was no baby at the end of it. Like, I grew a huge attachment to this woman who I secretly still go and see on Instagram and like see how she is, and if she was able to go, you know, and and um and you know, pursue having a family another way, but um nothing on that yet. But yeah, so that was hard. But babies no. No. But I think the only I think the closest thing I got to attachment was uh of a baby was the triplets, and that was because I loved those dads.

SPEAKER_03 20:36

And I was like, you have to leave me now. Like I love you, still not your baby, but you're still not my baby.

SPEAKER_04 20:41

And I was like, what, like eight? Yeah, you were eight. I didn't care if they came home, I wanted the dads to come home. Like I was like, come be with us. So there's that, but yeah, yeah. Did any of your kids have any types of attachments? I mean, I think those are older.

Judgement, Biology, And Common Myths

SPEAKER_00 21:01

Yeah, and I would say, like, so Nomi, when I started my first journey, she was four. Um, when the baby was born, my first one, she was five, and she's 11 now. Um so then she, when I do my video calls with them, which I have one about once a month still with them, um me will come in and she'll be on the phone with them as well. And like they're older now, like the young, you know, the younger one, she's gonna be six um this year. So, because I had her in 2020, she was a COVID baby. Oh my god, those are fun times. But yeah, and so Nomi has been really the most involved of any of the kids. She's always loved, but she's the youngest, and so like this is the closest to her having like interactions with babies. She doesn't, you know, any like um nieces and nephews and stuff like that, um, like raise nieces and nephews, which I guess are her cousins. Yes. Her cousins. Um, but they're little babies, so it's not like to me, like I think of cousins, and I think everybody's like the same age because that's how it was when I was growing up, but whatever. Um, but that being said, like, so she just loves babies, so and she's and kids love her, babies love her. So she's she was attached, like she was like, we're going over there over to the UK um for her first birthday. Like the dads are like flying me and my husband over there um for her first birthday, and um, you know, Nomi's so sad she can't go. I'm like, yeah, I mean, I'm sad you can't go too, but also like really excited to go.

SPEAKER_04 22:40

Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 22:43

This is a part for mom. Yeah, yeah, mom. That's so sweet though. But that makes sense. She's two months old and they're already planning for first birthday. Kudos, daddies. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

They were planning the first birthday, like, yeah, this baby's two months old. Oh, this so this one's from the UK. Yes, yeah, sorry, yeah, yeah. The other two are in um Boston, so oh yeah, local. Yeah, relatively local. It's so funny.

SPEAKER_04 23:09

Oh my gosh. Uh, I feel for her. I do. I'm my mom went to go see the triplets when they were two. Oh and I got a surprise trip to go see my personal family in Alaska, and I was like, why does my sister and my mom get to go see the triplets and I go to Alaska? I was like, okay, like I was a little better. I'm happy I went to Alaska to go see my grandparents, but I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

And and and right there in a nutshell, that's what I had to deal with her growing up. So yeah, you know, there you go.

SPEAKER_04 23:39

But no, I I it, yeah, that's very that's very sweet of her to but but it's not it's not like she wanted them to be her brother and sister.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

No, okay, no, I mean she knows that I can't have any more babies like on my own. Um, I mean, obviously, like I could have IVF, but like I'm not gonna do that. Um, but yeah, I mean, she she knows like they're not related to her, like she she does understand that, and she understood that from a young age. Like, I was really like, I would just tell her about it, and she would talk to them when I was pregnant.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

So sweet. Honesty with kids, best policy. What about your little guy?

SPEAKER_03 24:20

Yeah, your four-year-old. So, yeah, so he was three when I did my journey, and I told him from the very beginning, I was like, mommy has a baby in her belly, it's not our baby. And like, if you asked him, he would tell you, Oh no, this is not our baby, this is da-da-da-da-da-da-da's baby, you know. Okay, and um, so people would say, Oh, are you having a brother or sister? And he'd say, It's not ours. I love it. And he would he would just straight up say that was not ours. I love it.

SPEAKER_04 24:45

I love it.

SPEAKER_03 24:46

And so then that would prompt me to talk about it a little bit more with the whoever I was with. Um, but it was just sweet. He was just like, Oh, okay. And then, you know, he would just ask me how their baby's doing.

SPEAKER_02 24:58

And that's a high thing and that's at three.

SPEAKER_03 25:02

I think that's yeah, he he did very well with it, and honestly, like, so he came and saw us in the hospital. Um, he got to just like peek it over into the bassinet at her, but he's honestly not mentioned her since. He just he's kind of forgot about it. But I did tell him that I was gonna have another baby in my belly soon, maybe, and it's not gonna be ours again. So, but we're actually gonna go. Um, we're going on a cruise in April, and my intended parents are in Orlando, and I've already talked about meeting, and I haven't even done my screening yet, but but we're gonna go meet them.

SPEAKER_04 25:38

Oh that'll be fun. Oh, good, and hopefully, well, not hopefully, I know this ending because this ending will be the ending that definitely that you deserve, definitely for sure. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, how cute! And he enjoyed meeting Jennifer Surro babe.

SPEAKER_03 25:57

He did, he loved it. So he was actually, it was already planned that he was gonna be standing out with my mom that night, and so when the it came up that I was gonna have to watch the baby, I didn't have to, but I volunteered. But he was like, I want to stay home, and I was like, nope, you're going to Juju's house. Oh funny. So I was like, I can't can't do can't do two of you because I don't have two kids, just one at a time.

SPEAKER_02 26:21

There you go. Gotcha. At least I got to see him, right? That was him.

SPEAKER_03 26:25

He did. He did.

SPEAKER_02 26:26

That's cute. Very sweet. Yeah, they have to be involved, but I don't none of my none of my kids. I mean, no, excuse me, Kennedy was the youngest, but none of them got attached. They just wanted me to be done so I could be back in their lives. But I mean but the others, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:39

Not me. I don't remember feeling like that. Yeah, no, the other two.

SPEAKER_02 26:42

The other two were older. They didn't, they were like, okay, here she goes again. Like, yeah, here I go again. You're benefiting from this, so don't forget that thing. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Very true. I know. Yeah. They're supportive, but you know, just older kids.

Why The Bond Is With Parents

SPEAKER_04 26:59

Yeah. Did your guys' families were they like were they fully understanding of like this is not like they're adults, obviously. They're gonna understand that this is not your baby and they're your families. But I mean, like, were they accepting of it? Like, were they like did I did any of them were any of them like involved in your journey other than like your immediate household?

SPEAKER_00 27:24

Um, for me, not really. I mean, they didn't care, I think, one way or the other, like, you know, yeah, obviously, like your life now pregnant at family events and stuff like that, but it's like it's not a big deal. Yeah. Just another day. Yeah, nobody was like, this is wrong. You know what I mean? Like nobody like had any negative opinions that they shared.

SPEAKER_03 27:46

Yeah. So I mean, I have aunts that live, you know, five minutes down the road from me. Uh, and for the most part, they didn't really care. They were just like, Oh, okay, cool. That's cool of you. Um, one of my aunts was like, I just want you to be okay. You know, that's true. She gets really emotional about it, and she's like, I just want you to. And I was telling her actually yesterday that I was, you know, gonna do it again. And she was like, just promise me that, you know, if you feel like you can't do it for some reason, like if your body's not okay, that you won't do it. Like, I want to make sure you're okay. Um and then my mom was actually there for the transfer, and she's like super supportive. So she's like my husband, and then there's like my mom, they're like side by side almost when it comes to that for me. So my mom was a little bit more like um, like she told my intended parents, she was like, You're gonna be a part of our family forever, and like that's kind of where the sadness is in it because they're not so it's hard when it branches off to extended family, like they become invested.

SPEAKER_04 28:52

They they do. I mean, my mom was part of was a part of all three of my journeys, and shockingly, the reason that my first couple picked me was because my mom was a surrogate, so they were like, Oh, well, she gets it, we're gonna go like here, and you know, we're gonna be well in that culture.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

The mother, the matriarch, is in that person's culture. It was the matriarch was huge, so that's one of the reasons. But yeah, cool.

SPEAKER_04 29:17

Yeah, and I I our family, thank god my mom went through it because I really was just like just doing what Ellen did, guys, it's fine. And they're like, Yeah, totally fine.

SPEAKER_03 29:26

She took the brun of it for you.

SPEAKER_04 29:28

Yeah, she she took all the conversations like decades ago, so it's it we're chill now.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Pretty close, pretty close, yeah. Yeah, mine were mine were because it was a long time ago, so it was so new. Like, I mean, we're talking to somebody earlier, and I was like, I I I hate to say, but port kind of a pioneer in it because it was so new back then. And and then the triplet one, and then it was just it was a lot, and then had some complications and literally died and came back, like literally and my family was like, You're never doing this again. And I'm like, Oh, watch me. Just watch me. Because I had to redeem, I had to get the journey I needed, and that was the triplet journey. And and I just I I I don't know, gut, I'm always about gut, whatever your gut's telling you you gotta do. And I I I've learned and and I had to do it, and you did it, and in a way, it kind of brought our family a little bit closer together, which might have been weird, but I was estranged from my mom for a little bit, and I just think it kind of everybody just kind of took a pause and went, Oh, oh, okay, wait, this is a whole nother life or lives, yeah, it is. So um for that I'm happy for. Yeah, I know nobody ever we got a lot of people saying, Is it yours? Why are you giving it away? Got a lot of that, but we've talked about that on other podcasts. We've got a lot of that just because of the timing.

SPEAKER_03 30:43

Yeah, well, yeah. Early 2000s, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:48

No, and then the kids would do it for shock value, like, oh, it's not ours, and then they would go into the whole dissertation, and there's three, and they're not ours, and you'd just go, Oh god, can we just eat dinner? Yeah, it just it got to be a lot. Just let them go. Let them go, just let them do it.

SPEAKER_03 31:02

That was my husband's favorite thing to do is to tell people, yeah, my wife's pregnant, but it's not my baby.

SPEAKER_02 31:07

Right?

SPEAKER_03 31:08

Oh my god that went over great in the Bible Belt. Yeah, yeah. His friends were like, Oh man, I'm so sorry. And he's like, it's not hers either. Oh love it.

SPEAKER_04 31:18

Love it.

SPEAKER_03 31:18

Like, wow, double shot for you.

SPEAKER_04 31:20

Yeah, that's funny. Oh my gosh. No, it's yeah, and I um to to touch back on it, because I don't think I brought up my son's attachment. He there was none, so maybe that's why I didn't bring it up.

SPEAKER_02 31:37

The first one.

SPEAKER_04 31:38

He was really tiny. He was a year and a half when I gave he actually he was uh what 15 days shy of being two when I gave birth to my first surrogate babe. So Oh wow. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I had my son and my mom's like, I turned 21 the following month after I had him. My mom's like, you can be a surrogate, you qualify. And I was like, You're crazy. And then that following January, I was like surrogate. That's Ellen for you. Um, but yeah, he he didn't, he he was never attached to anything. As he got older, he also loved the shock value of telling his teacher, like, yeah, my mom's pregnant, it was not ours. Like, I think that's I think that's fun for every kid. I mean, I was that kid, so I definitely enjoyed doing that.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

Unique, not every other kid gets to tell the teacher, so it's kind of cool. That's kind of cool.

SPEAKER_03 32:32

How old was he for your other two journeys?

SPEAKER_04 32:34

Um, so for my second one, I had a transfer a year to the day after. So he was about to turn, he was 15 days from turning three when I did my second journey. Um, and then he was three when baby was born. And then the last journey, he was in pre-K. So he was like he was four when it started, then turned five. Yeah. And then with this one, when I started this journey in 2022, he was what's 10 minus four, six. But um, so poor kid. He's just been involved with me his whole life. He's had no choice, but he's fine, he's not phased. He's not phased.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

A friend of mine. God, how does your son feel about being a big brother?

Kids And How They Understand It

SPEAKER_04 33:26

Oh, um, he has been asking since since I met my husband, basically. He's like, so like when when do I get when do I get a sibling? And we were always like, well, like let's let us get married. We got married. Okay, so when are you guys doing when you when are we having a baby? In a in a while. We're gonna go through a surrogacy journey. Then the surrogacy journey was taking forever. He's like, mom, when? And I was like, okay, when you're I threw out like an age, I was like, when you're eight, when you're and it came. And he's like, okay, what about now? I'm like, okay, when you're nine. Like, like he just was so adamant, and I think it's because he has so many cousins, and he's the only one without a sibling. But when he found out we were we were gonna have a baby, and he was like, it's gotta be a girl. It's gotta be a girl. I love boys, but it's gotta be a girl. And then I think he was more excited that it was a girl than we were. So he's he's very excited to go through, and it's also just different. Like with my pregnancies with surrogacy, he was like, Your belly's a great pillow, like this is whatever. Like he'd like never commented, never cared. But now, and also he's older now, so maybe that's why. But he comes up and he's like, Is she kicking? Can I feel her yet? Can she hear me yet? So I think I really just prepped him for this moment with all those pregnancies.

SPEAKER_02 34:46

Baby bonded, way bonded with her before she's come, before she's out. It's gonna be fun. It's gonna be fun.

SPEAKER_04 34:50

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, yeah, I oh this is something I brought up last time because I because it always sticks with me. So because I had asked you ladies, what do you what do you ladies come back with when people are like, oh, do you ever get attached? Um, I go, you know, I I'm afraid to be a surrogate. I hear this one, I'm afraid to be a surrogate because I'm gonna get attached. Let's tap on that real quick. Were you ladies ever fearful of that? Did you guys ever have that in the back of your head, like when you were first setting up?

SPEAKER_02 35:22

Like that's when the unknown, yeah. Right. And I can go into the first journey. Yeah, good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:29

Yeah. So I'm a very emotional person and I get attached to everything so quickly. Um, so I was a little bit nervous, but like I said, I went into it with like, okay, this is not my baby, this is not my baby. Um, and my husband said from the beginning, he was like, I'm okay with you doing this, but you know, I'm he was like, I'm gonna tell you every day it's not your baby. And I was like, Okay, but you don't need to, like, it's okay, I'll be okay. Okay, and so pretty much, you know, anytime I didn't necessarily want my husband to like feel her kick or anything like that, because like I said, it's not ours, and I was like, you know, whatever. But there was one time where like she was like really pushing on me and I was trying to push her back down, and he was like, It's not yours. I was like, I know, I'm just trying to get her to move. But but yeah, no, I I was worried about it, but then like once it happened and I was pregnant, like it was just there was an immediate like difference, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_04 36:24

Yeah, I was able to kind of separate that, like kind of like disassociate, not not the negative connotation of it, but like I feel like as surrogates, we do have to compartmentalize, like where we're but also like when I'm pregnant in general, like I can be just barely pregnant, and I'm sitting there, my brain all day is like, oh my god, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant.

SPEAKER_03 36:45

You know, it's like I can't I can't forget, yes, but I can't forget that I'm pregnant. I'm just like, oh my god, I'm pregnant. I can't believe it. I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant.

SPEAKER_04 36:54

Oh my gosh, that's so funny.

SPEAKER_03 36:56

I'm the complete opposite.

SPEAKER_02 36:58

Yeah. And I would just forget and be like, oh crap, I can't do that. I can't have a drink. Ah, dang.

unknown 37:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:03

Yeah. I did, I did once it to certain things I would start to forget, like, oh, I can't lift this because I'm pregnant. But that was I kind of think I think it was because this pregnancy was easier than my own son. I wasn't as sick, like there wasn't as many as many reminders as there were with him, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_04 37:21

Yeah, that does make sense. For sure. That's the to me, those were the best kind of pregnancies. Are you like, oh, that's right. I can't see my toes.

SPEAKER_03 37:29

Like, I forgot about that. Like, it's just I got a big chest, I can't do that anyway.

SPEAKER_04 37:34

I do not so um shoot, I forget the question.

SPEAKER_02 37:42

Oh, like your first journey. What did you think about it? Oh, yeah, were you afraid you were gonna get attached?

SPEAKER_03 37:48

I'm glad I'm not the only one I forget. It's okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

Um, yeah, I I wasn't worried about getting attached even before my first journey. Um, and at the end of my first journey, like I did touch on this when I did my podcast with you guys. Like my set, what was it called? My episode. There you go. Um that I I was supposed to be a part of a tandem pregnancy. That's right. But I didn't find out until after I was pregnant, and because I would have been the first, and so I had feelings about that because I had like feelings of like, wait, I have to share my couple, right? Share the spotlight, share the whatever. And then because of COVID and everything shut down, she couldn't um get the transfer. Right. So when I had the baby, um, she was kind of chomping at the bit, like, you know, when can I get my transfer now that everything's open? And they had a newborn baby, and they were like, Yeah, no, yeah, no, like we're not ready for you to have a transfer yet. So they kind of they separated from her um or got out of contract with her or whatever, so she could move on and rematch. And then um, because at the when I gave birth, I I kind of thought, okay, that's the end with them. Okay. And I got emotional about that because I was I and I still am very close to my dad's got a divorce. So um, I'm close to one of the dads still. I was very close to both of them, but I had to choose one in the divorce. So I just had to because of the way that it all went down. Yeah, the divorce. I know. I I thought of the triplets. No, so awful. Like honestly, I probably oh god, it was so horrible. Because of my attachment to the dads, um, that was very emotional for me. But yeah, so when I gave birth and I was sad because it was over for us, it was kind of like everything was over. My attachment was to the journey, you know what I mean? Like it was and then when they were like, Will you be our surrogate for the sibling journey? And I was like, Hell yeah. And nine months later, I got a transfer, like nine months after I gave birth, which is the soonest you can. So, like I dropped the baby weight to get the medical okay to get the job.

SPEAKER_02 40:09

Oh, oh, girl. So they're close in age, yes.

Family Support Then And Now

SPEAKER_00 40:12

Yeah, because like she's like Irish five and he's gonna be three. So okay, yeah, it's amazing. Quick though, that's quick. Yes, yeah, so um, so yeah, so then I was preparing myself at the end of that, sure, that that was gonna be it for them. Like, yeah, and so we had, you know, until they separated, I it was me and them, and the only reason I knew something was wrong was because we missed a month of video call, and I was like, what the hell is going on? And nobody was ever answering my text messages, and I was like, something's wrong. And then one of the dads messaged me and he was like, Can we talk? And I was like, Oh my god, he's giving me bad news, and he did, and we were just falling, and it was awful. Oh, so sad. That's hard, that's really hard. So hard, but yeah, so my attachment, like again, like I love seeing the kids, I love seeing the kids grow. You know, they call me Amanda, and I am fine with that, and I'm like an aunt that lives far away. Um, you know, and I'm cool with that. Like, I love seeing that they're growing up and they're talking to me now and like interacting, and it's so cool, but I don't feel attached to them.

SPEAKER_02 41:21

We're just we're just believed that they're doing well, like that's nice, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 41:26

Healthy, cared for. Like, that's I think what we all surrogates we want. We're like, well, we got into this to help create life, and exactly, and family now it needs to go live wherever it needs to go live, so that way, but like we got it here, or they're gonna put them here.

SPEAKER_02 41:43

All graduated college and they all have big adult jobs, and it's like so weird. And I'm like, Oh, okay. You guys can buy me dinner? Okay, that's fun. Oh my gosh, that's kind of fun. It's cute, it's fun to watch.

SPEAKER_03 41:57

That is so wild to think about.

SPEAKER_02 41:58

It is, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:59

Like, I think that's not something that we think about at first, like, oh, these kids are gonna grow up one day, like you know, and she always gonna be little, serious relationships.

SPEAKER_02 42:08

And I'm like, and I was talking to the one of the dads, and I'm like, you think, am I gonna be invited to the wedding? He's like, Oh, I was gonna say, Oh, yeah, just weddings.

SPEAKER_04 42:16

Yeah, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 42:18

Then it's California mom, maybe I'll be grandma, like California grandma or California Yaya. I don't know. I can pitch that. You could totally, you could totally pitch that. Yeah, that's not attachment, that's just excitement because these kids are like living full-fledged lives, like it's phenomenal.

SPEAKER_03 42:33

Yeah, I mean, I love it. You are a part of their family. Like I just love that I am. Oh yeah, so fun.

SPEAKER_04 42:40

And like the those dads, you know, they sent when I had my first child, they sent me a giant teddy bear, which my son now takes a picture with. He got it four days after he was born. He's taken it, he was born January 1st. So every January 4th, I take a picture of him and that bear to see how he grows. And then my sister was also given the same present with her with her firstborn. So they're like these distant but not so distant, like uncles. Like they're there, like they know who they are. And I think I don't, I've never talked about it, but it's like so weird to me, like processing it, because I would uh Amber, you had just said we don't ever think of them as being like grown-ups. The last time I saw the triplets before the Jennifer Hudson show was when they were in the Nick U. So I like that's when like they were born, and then I was like, oh my gosh, I remember when they came out. Like out of thought, out of bond. Yeah, I hug, I think I hugged Sebastian first, or maybe it was Ben, and I was like, You're so tall. Like I kept repeating it because I was in such shock. I'm like, you people were like little tiny things, and then my son got to meet them. So like it was just like this weird like full circle, circle there wasn't like an attachment, it's just like pure love, yeah, on my end, and like admiration for complex, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:53

It's it's very interesting and fascinating. Kudos to the dads like for raising such three great kids. Like, again, I'm like that could not have. Been easy. Like, no. And all in college at the same time and all driving at the same time. And I'm like, oh my God, all that money. Okay. For sure. That's a lot.

unknown 44:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 44:12

But yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I mean, do you ladies have anything else to kind of like add? We were going to ask a question on?

SPEAKER_02 44:22

No, just like really in a nutshell. Like from what we've talked about, this is four circuits we've talked into right now. And I think if we pulled a bunch more, I think they'd all have the same sentiment. It's not really an attachment to the baby. It's an attachment to the journey. And to get to the end of the journey in a healthy uh manner, which results in a live baby or babies, like that can go and lead lead um fulfilling wonderful lives with their new family and their parents. Like that, I think that's just the end goal everybody wants. I might be overstepping my bounds on that one, but I think most surrogates would think that. That's why we get into this. We just want to help.

SPEAKER_04 45:02

Perfect, perfect.

SPEAKER_02 45:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 45:06

Um I I think we covered like a lot of anything that we missed.

SPEAKER_02 45:12

I don't know. No. You guys, Amanda and Amber.

SPEAKER_00 45:16

I do have like one more thing. Yeah. So I guess for me, with my most recent journey, another thing that I was not very good at, which maybe other surrogates might be, which I don't regret necessarily, but it's something to think about. I didn't create very strong boundaries with the dads. Like our relationship, you know, it kind of was very organic and happened as it happened. Like we weren't super close during the pregnancy. Like during the pregnancy, like, you know, we talked here and there, but it was like they came a week before I gave birth, and we had dinner a few times and you know, like got together. They came to some appointments. Um, but when she was born, like they were very much like, you will always be her mother. It was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

SPEAKER_05 46:12

Wow.

Fear Of Attachment And Hormones

SPEAKER_00 46:13

So it's um, so like they still speak to the egg donor too. And she just had a baby, the egg donor, too, like a little bit before the baby was born. Um, and they're very much like, you guys are members of their family, like you guys are both her moms, but like you're the mother who carried her. And like they would call me mommy, and they're not doing that anymore so much. But that was a hard thing for me. So I'm like, I'm not her mom. Because I did kept, I did keep saying, like, I'm not, I'm not her mom like that, you know. But they would be like, mommy's here, and I'm like, which like didn't help during the whole I'm nannying slash mommy here. Right. So yeah, so I think like, but again, I think taking care of the baby after you give birth is not the norm. Yeah, it's not typical for surrogates. And then also, I don't think like these dads had a completely different idea of who I was. And and maybe it's after the birth, like after the birth, like after the birth, like you know, like not that my role was like that what I was gonna be taking care of their baby or anything like that, like it was just that we kind of were like this weird little thruple like where I was there and they were in going to bed and trying to get their rest, or you know, one of them would be doing the laundry and running around cleaning, and I was just like with the baby, you know, and yeah, so it was and I think like and um the biological father, his mom, she's very involved now, she lives with them. Oh, um, and she when she would talk to me or refer to me, it was always like, You're her mother, and we thank you so much for you and everything. And it's it's very like I I think it's like a a status thing, like you know, because they're Chinese too. I don't know, like oh yeah, and I think that does make sense. Yeah, so I think it's like how I am honored, I guess. Yes, but it's it's very weird for me because the word mother or mommy or whatever is that's reserved for for my children. So it did make it a little bit like, but I didn't know how like we were already saying it. So I that's something like to think about, like how you refer to, I don't think most couples would refer to the surrogate like as that, but it's something to think about, just like something to be like discuss beforehand, because I never really we didn't discuss that beforehand, but that wasn't something I ever would have thought right beforehand either.

SPEAKER_02 48:39

Then it would just thrust into it, and you're like, Oh, I don't want to be disrespectful until that left, and yeah, yeah, so grateful and appreciative of what I just did, and okay, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 48:49

Wow, and you know, and I'm also like pumping and stuff too.

SPEAKER_02 48:53

So, like, I think all those hormones and all of that, and just my duties right there, like I understand where they were coming from, but gosh, that would have been hard in that moment to tell them no.

SPEAKER_03 49:03

Yeah, do you think that's like from a man's perspective though, of like surrogate mother, like that term? And I know we're we're trying to phase that out, but we still have uh intended parents reach out to us at the agency. Like, I'm looking for a surrogate mother, and we're like, um, please don't say that, like just say like a gestational care or just surrogate, you know, take out the mother because we're not the mother. Yeah, so maybe like because you had, you know, a gay couple, like maybe they don't have that feminine, you know, I don't, I don't know, role, right? Yeah, yeah, type thing.

SPEAKER_04 49:36

Yeah. Cause like my mom said, the triplets did refer. I don't know if you guys ever had that conversation, mom, but the triplets did refer to her as like California mom. And when she told that to my first couple, who one of them was Chinese, he um he was like, Oh, that's a great idea. And I was like, Oh, is it? Are are we sure about that? Like, I was recently just like crowned a new mother myself. Like, I was like, wait, what is this? No, I I know, but it but it is something that's we've never talked about on on here, and it is it is a good thing to talk about. I do think it's definitely more so that culture, and especially when that is the same-sex couple, like for sure.

SPEAKER_02 50:21

I that's my take on that, but yeah, I think it's just an honor to you, like that's kind of how like I viewed it, but it but it is a little unnerving when you hear it because you're like you've you did this whole journey with like I am not attached, I'm not the mother, I'm not right, and now you're calling me mom. Wait, right, we're gonna give you this label now. And it's like, wait, wait, wait. That wasn't that wasn't what I signed up for. Exactly. So have graduated. I am now Ellen. Yeah, for sure. I'm Ellen. Okay, I like it. I like it.

SPEAKER_03 50:52

Yeah. I just remember too, I was in the hospital. Y'all did, I think y'all did talk about that. Oh, maybe um I can remember being in the hospital and you know, just somebody random come in and they're like, hey mama, and I'm like, hello mama, not the mama, the mamas are there.

SPEAKER_04 51:08

Yeah. I really I liked, I think here, I think in my last journey, I got like one of the signs that said, like, not the mom, I'm the surrogate, the mom's in such and such, whatever. Like, because I was just like, at that time they had started making these little signs, being like, not the mom, like, don't call me mom. And I'm lucky that was my like third journey at that hospital. So they very much knew who I was and the fact that like I was just having babies for other people. So, like, you're not the mom. I'm like, Yeah, we're not gonna use that vocabulary here, but it is a common.

SPEAKER_02 51:39

And if there's a mom in the room, if you're doing this for a heterosexual mom in the room, it's like, oh, I didn't tell them to call me that. Hold on.

Boundaries Around "Mom" Labels

SPEAKER_04 51:46

Yeah, it takes a little bit my intended mom was very much so like, I'm the mom, she's not, she's not like yeah, she was like on it, yeah. Okay, and you know, that's no diss to the to the healthcare workers because they're just so used to in the labor hood. Hey mom, yeah, it's like literally, it's not even a thought, it's just like it's like riding a bike, that's just what you say. So no diss to them. It's just yeah, it's uh education, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you, ladies. This was beautiful. I I love seeing your beautiful faces again. And any other advice for anybody out there for any for any surrogates becoming like a first-time surrogate who might be fearful, or people who are maybe intended mothers, or you know, just like kind of put that fear to ease.

unknown 52:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:40

Yeah, actually, I did see an interview, it's on Facebook all of the time, and it's with um uh a gay intended parent, and he talks about his fears, uh, his fears before he started the journey, about um that the surrogate would want to keep the baby or that would have an attachment or something like that. And it's a it, I don't know, it's the surrogacy agency, I think that that puts this little video out. And I just find it so weird because he was like, like they would steal my baby. And he literally said that. I'm like, oh I like it makes me feel weird because I'm like, no, no, we don't feel like that. Like, we're not everybody's students do not feel like that.

SPEAKER_02 53:22

I'm gonna go through all those shots, all that medication. Just I I don't want to say there's easier ways, but no, there isn't. I uh no, I no, no, that's not what we're going into this for.

SPEAKER_03 53:33

Yeah, like why would I do this for uh I'm not doing this just for myself? If I want to do it, I would. If I wanted to have another baby, I would.

SPEAKER_02 53:41

Yeah, an unattainable goal for especially maybe let's just take it single gay man. Like, how are you gonna do this? And then for somebody to come along and go, Oh, I'll carry it for you, I'll carry this baby for you. That's just like a dream come true. Like, so I can understand where the fear may come from. Why do they want to help me? And it's really we get we come back to it every single time. It's just the education that why do people want to do this? Yeah, I'll just do that.

SPEAKER_04 54:10

We all we all are moms, that's a that's a required call. We all know, well, in the US, we all know what it's like to have kids and to raise them, and just we know what it's like to have a mini you or whatever it is that you want. I jennifer Aniston put it like that, and I was like, there is nothing wrong with what you said, girl. Because like there is no wrong, there is no nothing wrong with wanting a mini you, and like if this is your way of having a mini you, then that's why we're here. We can help, yeah, yeah. I don't want your baby, right?

SPEAKER_00 54:46

And that's the thing. Like, I think that fear is a legitimate fear, but I think podcasts like this and people sharing, and the more you know, like the more we talk about it, yeah. It's just not, it's probably like a one in a billion surrogate that would be like, I want the baby, I'm gonna run off with the baby. Like that would stories that make the news because most likely that would be the one that made the news, but for all the rest of us that are like normal and doing just what we're supposed to do, it's yeah, yeah, yeah, just under the rug over here. It's fine.

SPEAKER_02 55:17

Back in the 80s, there was a really big case that was just about that.

SPEAKER_04 55:21

Oh, that's right. I remember you managed to do that before.

SPEAKER_02 55:24

Yeah, went to court and everything was ridiculous, but I haven't heard that decades. Like, I haven't heard it at all. Like, unless they're just keeping it under the radar, but I haven't heard it now.

SPEAKER_00 55:33

Well, I think because like people are working with agencies and also like there's way more like laws around it and stuff like that. Like when it was new, you know, where people were doing traditional surrogacy, I think it's a lot different. Like it's a very different the wild west, but now it's like it's an industry, it's a business, it's yes, it's very structured.

SPEAKER_04 55:56

There are there's contract, there's like very detailed contracts involved, ethics, like everything.

SPEAKER_00 56:03

So we're gonna make sure we're not crazy, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:08

A little bit something, Amber. Sorry, I think I cut you off.

SPEAKER_03 56:11

Oh no, no, no. I was just saying, like, it's just if they are doing it, they're just hiding hiding it very well. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_04 56:17

Yes, yeah.

Final Advice And How To Reach Us

SPEAKER_03 56:18

But no, I mean, I think for me, the biggest thing that I would like people to know is like one, like we've said before, you're gonna get more attached to the parents, but two, like, if you do get attached to the parents or the baby, it's okay to cry. I mean, you've got to get those feelings out. Um, and it's not uncommon to cry either. Some people are like, you you're like, oh, well, I'm gonna be completely detached, like, I'm not gonna have any feelings at all. Like you're you're going through a lot with your body. And like, I know I have surrogates ask me, they're like, so emotionally, like, if I'm not okay, is that okay? And I'm like, yeah, of course it's okay. Like you you went through something, and it is, it's it is kind of traumatic. Birth is traumatic to anybody, whether it's your baby or not. And so you have to kind of work through those feelings and you know, not ashamed to say that I cried, but it didn't mean that I was depressed because I missed the baby.

SPEAKER_02 57:13

Right. It's such a huge part of your life for for a good 15, sometimes 18 months, maybe two years, depending on when the transfers took.

SPEAKER_00 57:20

Four years, right, or very, very long, and then boom, it's over.

SPEAKER_02 57:25

They're going off and living their life, and you're like, Oh, okay. Yeah, of course you're gonna have emotions, of course you're gonna be it's how it's how you're supported in that moment, and that's I think where surrogacy has really stepped up. I'm I'm I'm seeing it a lot, and I'm really happy about it that they're they're supporting surrogates, they're allowing therapy, they're allowing because it's a lot, but no, like that was my biggest thing.

SPEAKER_03 57:48

Like, I was afraid to cry, and like I said, my husband mentioned like, I'm gonna make sure you're okay emotionally, and so like you just have to know like that's normal, and that was something that I had to also tell my husband like that's normal to have feelings, it's just just know that it's not those feelings, right?

SPEAKER_04 58:05

Great point, yep. And however you feel is however you feel. You have the your feelings are in the right, no matter it's a lot to process, it's a lot of hormones. Just go with the roller coaster and you're not alone. Reach out to people on social media. We have all if we personally, if you reach out to someone, I know this for a fact, but if you reach out to someone that hasn't personally felt like that, they will definitely know somebody who has, and they'll be like, hey, go talk to so and so. It's a it's a great community, it really is.

SPEAKER_02 58:36

So yeah, thank you, ladies, so much for your time. Good luck, both of you. Amanda, you doing another one, or you know? No, no, okay, okay, then good luck to both of you in your journey. There we go. Easy.

SPEAKER_04 58:52

Have a great night, ladies. Yeah, thank you so much. You too. Bye guy.

SPEAKER_02 58:58

Oh my goodness, that was beautiful. That was lovely. Yeah, that was crazy. She nannied. I was like, ooh, wait a minute. Yeah, I would have jumped at it though. I would have jumped at it if somebody, if one of my people I know you would have. Totally, but but I really think I would have gotten attached. I really do.

SPEAKER_04 59:15

But what normal human wouldn't in that instance? Correct, correct. Like, even just like a normal nanny who has nothing to do with the any journey of pregnancy. Yeah, and you're taking care like when I was a daycare teacher, I grew attached to a few little humans, and I was like, Oh my gosh, like I love you little people. Like it's just a normal human nature, that part, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:40

That's really cool that she could do that.

SPEAKER_04 59:42

That was for sure. That's super cool. Yeah, no, that's super cool. Thank you so much for your input, ladies.

SPEAKER_02 59:46

Thank you so much, ladies.

Closing Sponsor And Subscribe

SPEAKER_04 59:48

If anybody has any stories or questions they would like to share, please feel free to reach out to us on Instagram at stop periodsit period surrogate or at our email at stop periodsitperiod surrogate at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_02 59:59

And another edition of Stops It Surrogate Friday with Ellen and Kennedy. Thanks, everybody. Bye bye.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:05

Bye bye. Before we wrap up, a huge thank you to our sponsor, US Surrogacy. Their support helps us continue to share real stories, educate our community, and connect families through the incredible journey of surrogacy. Thanks so much for tuning in to Stops It Surrogate, where every story matters and every journey is worth sharing. We'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:29

If you enjoyed this podcast, be sure to give us a like and subscribe. Also, check out the link to our YouTube channel in the description. And be sure to also check out our children's book, My Mom Has Superpowers, sold on Amazon and Etsy.