Stop. Sit. Surrogate.

Match Meeting Basics

• Kenedi & Ellen Smith • Season 6 • Episode 10

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 #surrogacy #ivf #surrogate 


US Surrogacy LLC Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/us_surrogacy/


Match calls can feel like a first date, a job interview, and a medical consult all rolled into one and that mix is exactly why people dread them. We wanted to take the mystery out of the surrogacy match meeting, so we brought on Kimberly Hennessy, program director at US Surrogacy LLC, to walk us through how thoughtful agencies actually build a match that can last from first call to delivery day. 

We get specific about what’s inside a surrogate profile (pregnancy history, recovery, medications, prior complications) and what intended parents share on their side, including the letter to the surrogate, clinic details, embryo creation, genetic testing, and what kind of relationship they hope to have. Kimberly explains why some agencies match one surrogate at a time, how records review and psychology screening reduce surprises, and why state by state surrogacy laws can affect whether a match is truly safe and doable. 

Then we break down the match call itself: the icebreakers that calm nerves, the questions that actually matter, and the topics people are often afraid to say out loud. We talk diet and lifestyle requests, how often updates should happen, when parents should travel for appointments like the anatomy scan, and how to discuss delivery room boundaries honestly without making promises you cannot guarantee. We also cover the big hard conversations, like embryo splitting risk, termination decision making, and what to do when a surprise request pops up mid call. 

If you’re a surrogate, an intended parent, or just trying to understand the surrogacy matching process, this one is a practical roadmap with real world language. Subscribe, share this with someone preparing for a match meeting, and leave us a review with the one question you think every match call should include. 


Website: https://us-surrogacy.com/become-a-surrogate-today/ 

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https://stopsitsurrogate.com

Welcome And Surrogacy Mission

SPEAKER_03

Welcome. We are a mother-daughter podcast about all things surrogacy. Together, we have brought eight beautiful babies into this world, and we would like to share through education and knowledge about surrogacy with those who want to educate themselves on the topic. This is Stop, Sit, Surrogate. This episode is sponsored by U.S. Surrogacy LLC. If you've ever dreamed of helping grow a family or are hoping to grow your own, U.S. Surrogacy LLC is here to guide you every step of the way. They are a dedicated surrogacy agency committed to supporting intended parents and surrogates through a compassionate, ethical, and well-supported journey. U.S. Surrogacy LLC works with amazing women who want to make a life-changing difference by becoming a surrogate while also helping intended parents experience the incredible gift of parenthood. Their team focuses on transparency, strong communication, and personalized support so that everyone involved feels confident, cared for, and informed throughout the entire process. If you've ever considered becoming a surrogate, or if you're an intended parent exploring your audience, USerrogacy LLC is ready to help you take that next day. To learn more about their programs and how you can get started, visit us-surrogacy.com. That's us-surrogacy.com. And now let's get into today's episode. Hi everybody, welcome back to Stopsit Surrogate. Today we're gonna do something a little different. So we are talking with a wonderful guest who I'm gonna let her introduce herself in a second, but today we are going to really touch on match meetings. What's involved? What the heck is it? Are they really that scary? What's it all about? So would my lovely guest like to introduce herself?

SPEAKER_01

Thank you so much, Kennedy. Thank you for having me. Um, my name is Kibrilly Hennessy. I am the program director at US Surrogacy LLC.

SPEAKER_03

Oh my gosh. Well, okay, well, now we'll get into matching in just a second. What's a what's a program director?

What A Program Director Does

SPEAKER_01

Oh, yeah, what is that? Um, it's kind of evolved as I've had that role. Okay. Um, but I touch all parts of the program, and so we have an amazing admin team that does the intake and admissions with our surrogates. And then um I I do that final review with the surrogate before they match. And so during my final review with them, we go over everything that's on their profile in their medical records review, which is another thing our team does. They they go through the medical records before sharing the profile. But before that profile gets shared out, I meet with her and I talk about her hopes for the journey, what type of family she'd like to match with. I know what the profile says, but I'd like to dig in a little bit deeper, right? Yeah. And because we have all different family types in our program, so you know, two dads, um, two moms, um, traditional couples, single moms, single dads, we really have domestic and international, we really have the right match for everyone. And so it's just sitting with her, taking that time. You know, if she says I'm open to matching with everyone, wonderful. And then I do like to dig in a little bit deeper and see like, is there someone on the top, right? Like a family type that's on the top of that. So that's the profile part. And so I do that last part. And then in addition to that, I meet with most of our intended parents on their first entry into our program. So as they're learning about our program, I like to touch on the special things about our agency, but also every time I meet with them, I like them to walk away with kind of an outline, if you will, for the other questions to ask other agencies. And so just giving them a little bit more power in the conversation, a little bit more knowledge, and a little bit more strength to choose the agency partner that's best for them.

SPEAKER_03

Wow. Wow, you are you are everywhere. Good for you. So you know, you know, a lot about what it takes. And you were just saying about the matching part. So, like, let's kind of jump into that. So because you mentioned surrogate first, maybe we'll do that side. Plus, I'm a surrogate myself, so I'll understand that a bit more. But we will talk about the intended parents because I've always been curious. But so by the time she reaches you, is her profile made?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. She works with our admissions team to make her profile, and so she shares the pictures, she fills out the questions, and then sometimes there's some fine-tuning to like a sentence, or maybe the way that she answered a question, we want her to add a little bit more there, right? And so, you know, it's it's it's collaborative, but it's mostly driven by her.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. And so your profiles, once they go live, like so. When I've done profiles, it's like pictures, and like this is, you know, basically it was like pictures of me, my who my support team was, kind of so like my parents and my family and my son, and like these are the things I like to do. And here's my cute little dog, and you know, just like kind of like a like a bumble dating app like situation. Like, here I am. Um, so is it is it similar for for you guys as well?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's very similar to that. We we add in um current medication that she's on, medications that she's taken in the past, and her pregnancy history. So also looking at, you know, how many pregnancies did she have, how many deliveries did she have, how much did the babies weigh, how long did they gestate. Um, okay, you know, really giving the parents kind of a lens if they had if she had vaginal deliveries or c-sections, combination of the two, um, you know, just a really good feeling about not only about her, her support system, like you said, which is very important for any head up. Yeah, but also her pregnancy history and and her why, right? Why did she want to become a surrogate?

SPEAKER_03

Well, okay, so the intended parents gets when they when they look at the profiles, they get to see all of that. So it's like this whole summary, what is left for question, I guess, for them. Like, like, no, but like really, like, is there is it like, yeah, I've read it 100%. I have no questions because it's so informative, or are they like obviously there's probably gonna be those like one-offs where they're like, what about this, or what about that? But majority, all the information is kind of just at the fingertips, yeah.

What Surrogates Share In Profiles

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, great, great, Kennedy. Um, yeah, so what is deeper than the profile? It's kind of expanding on each of those things. Like in our match call, we talk about how those pregnancies went for you, right? Did you have any complications? And then on the match meeting I just did, I think it was Sunday, we talked about cravings that she had. I didn't bring it up, but when I when I went over to her husband, he said, let's talk about your cravings. And with each baby was a different craving. And so, so and and really those things um also welcome the parents into the into the discussion and kind of the the the fun of like, I wonder what the craving will be with this baby, right? Right, and so so it's all it's like almost a talking point, and not and that's like the first time that's ever happened on a match call, but I think it's kind of fun. And um, anyways. No, that is fun. Yeah, so digging in deeper to the pregnancy, sorry, digging in deeper to the pregnancy, and then also how did she recover? Like, how did she feel? And so there's just that opportunity to say it was really easy with baby number one and and baby number two, but baby number three um, you know, took me a little longer to recover, or the baby was in the NICU, or or the you know, just just any complications that she had.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So all that is listed for them to read.

SPEAKER_01

Great question. Um, kind of. It it's it's baseline in the profile, but then during the match call we go deeper.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, you go deeper. Okay, okay. But it's it's not gonna be like a huge shocker when it comes to match call because it's kind of correct. Like a little sneak peek was kind of given in a sense. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, well, that's that's such a good question, Kennedy. Sorry I didn't get there. You're good.

SPEAKER_01

Um, it does talk about problems or complications in the profile that's also listed on there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. Because I've only ever seen my own, and I don't even know if that's how it looks to other people because they're like, review it. And so I like review it, and I'm like, yeah, it's cute. I know I made it. Like, I don't like what am I what am I supposed to do here? So that's none of it. That's like really cool. So then let's flip it now. So intended parents make a profile, right?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

What is listed for the surrogate to read on that?

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. Happy to share that. Um, they get photos, and so we ask for no selfies if we if we can help it, right? If if you have photos available that are not selfies, send those. Good luck. And so we I know it's a combination, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, because we want them also to be current, current photos, not the family photo you took five years ago, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Right. But um we we talk about uh well, in the in the their profile is a letter to the surrogate. So their reason why, how did they come into surrogacy? Um, why do they need a surrogate or how how are they looking at that option to build their family? And then um what clinic they're working with, um, how those embryos were created, so with the help of an egg donor or not, um, if those embryos have been genetically tested, how many they have, right? So if they have five embryos or three embryos, or eight embryos, kind of a picture, and um also where where they're located, um, not their city specifically, but I might say like Washington State, you know, like that kind of that kind of um idea there. And then um yeah, and and then um in the letter they'll they'll share about uh what their hopes for for are in parenting and also um how they hope to navigate this relationship with her. And so they I really do feel like the surrogate gets a very good idea of who they are just in their letter. And and the letter we give a few small prompts on like make sure that you talk about your why, make sure that you talk about your hopes, and that's really all they're given. So, so who they are really does come through in the letter.

SPEAKER_03

Oh wow. Okay, that's pretty cool because over my I mean I've been I've been matched several times, but I've I've been on four journeys, and only one of them I had a letter, and that was my most recent one, and so all the other ones, there were no letters. There was just I mean, maybe there were letters, but it was more so like this is who we are. It was never like kind of like a letter to me as much as I can remember. So that's pretty cool because I remember my my mom, she back in the day, they made scrapbooks. Like they made full-on scrapbooks, and my mom got to like flip through it, and like you know, and that's how she at least that's for her second journey, that's how she was like, Oh, this is this is it, like because there's so much dedication in it. So for them to just have two templates, right? But for them to have two templates or like two prompts to go off of and then kind of just like go from there, that's really gonna show their personality and like kind of like let them shine, which is absolutely huge. And I I find that so fascinating. None of my well, two of my couples were same-sex males, so obviously I knew why they needed a star again. But my my third couple was a heterosexual couple, and I never knew why. I was never told the why. Not that I need to be told the why, sure, but it is always like a thing in the back of your mind, like, hmm, I wonder, like, yeah, like can I can I hug you? Like, do like do we talk about it? Do we not talk about it? It's a quiet thing. So I do think that that's kind of like a nice little just like a nice little tidbit to kind of just like let her the surroget in on it as well and be like, hey, like, you know, life's been life's been life, and we're here.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

What Intended Parents Share

SPEAKER_03

And we really want this. And like, yeah, I think that's a very cool, very cool way to do it.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you. Um you know, you learn so much, right? How long have they been trying? Yeah. And and I love to see that partnership between the two of them. Um, I love to see that. And um, you know, they'll talk about what strengths one partner has versus the other, you know, this kind of thing and how they navigated this together. And I I love that. And then when we get on that match call, we do dig into that a little bit deeper. And um, I'm jumping ahead here. So I'll not.

SPEAKER_03

No, you're not.

SPEAKER_01

In the in the match call, if I notice like really nervous or shy energy, I always bring up how they met each other. Oh, fun. And and that has been like an icebreaker because and I don't do it all the time, but if it's shy or you know, people are kind of quiet, then I bring that up because you see this like natural smile come on their faces. You see like this teasing with the other partner, and it's just really, really fun. And more times than not, the parents have met the same way that the surrogate met her partner.

SPEAKER_02

And so, like, yeah, if it was a dating app or if you know and then so they quietly let them finish, and and then they say, We met that way too, and then they go they go into their story.

SPEAKER_03

Oh cute, I got the goosebumps.

SPEAKER_02

That's so cute. That's really cute. Like, what are like what are the odds? Yeah, commonality that they didn't know they both had.

SPEAKER_03

Right. It's if that's not a little sign. I mean, come on. Let's, you know, you gotta you gotta pick them. How funny. Okay, so you so surrogate and IP have looked at the profiles. Are they each given just one to look at so it's not overwhelming, or is it kind of like you get I've gotten three at a time before?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, for our agency, we match just one surrogate at a time. And I think that it really comes from all the pre-screening that we do. So the records review, the MFM, uh, which is the maternal fetal medicine specialist, reviews the records as well. Um, the psychology, the meeting with the psychologist, um, looking at her support system, all of the screening that we do before background checks before we share the profile, um, that really lends itself to maybe one or two surrogates a week that are are matching. Um and then that, so say, you know, right currently we're matching eight to ten a month. But wow, okay. But you think about having one or two surrogates, and depending on what the hopes are for the surrogate in her match and and the parents what they're looking for in a match, um, really it's we're just usually sharing one profile. And I I share that one profile, they say yes, um, and then it's it's like sending records over to the clinic and and setting up a match call. So movement usually happens that very week that we're sharing profiles.

SPEAKER_03

So who gets to see who first? Yeah, because I know I read questions different. Yeah.

How One At A Time Matching Works

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. Ours, I wouldn't say we have a one-way to do it. Okay. Um, I think that if the surrogate is really strong in what she wants, then I'd probably send the parent profiles to her first and have her pick, and then I send them to the parent. But Kennedy always knowing um that it's a good match choice and a good match choice based on clinic criteria, about also on the hopes of the parent, um, also in the way that the embryos were created and the state that the surrogate lives. So looking at the laws in the state where she lives and um making sure that that is a safe match for the parents. So even if she wanted a certain type of family, I'm gonna before I send profiles, even to her, I'm gonna make sure that it's it's really a match that could go forward um and be well supported.

SPEAKER_03

Isn't that crazy that every state is so drastically different? Yes, yes. It's too many states. That's too many laws to keep up with, I swear. I can barely keep up with California. Sure.

SPEAKER_01

And it's one of the things when I get that um like introduction email from our admissions team, it's immediately what I do. I pull up, I pull up her profile, and I pull up the state and the laws in that state, and then I like prepare myself for the call with her so that I can make the most out of that call with her too.

SPEAKER_02

For sure.

SPEAKER_01

And then we kind of just jump into families. I'm usually sending profiles to her that same day. Oh my gosh, how fun.

SPEAKER_03

So nice. It is funny though, because it takes a really long time to get to that matching, like making your profile and everything. And then once you get there, oftentimes it is like roll, roll, roll, roll, roll. And then you hit a pause again when it comes to legal. But like when you hit when you hit the profile part, it it does go quick. So then okay, so they're like, hey, we hey Kimberly, we we like you, like you know, we like the surrogate. Hey Kimberly, I like the intended parents.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Now you're like, cool, like setting up a match call that week.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, most of the time.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, and is is it if surrogate has a spouse or a partner, that person is in on the call. Is that mandatory?

SPEAKER_01

It's not mandatory for us, but we invite them to be in on the call. I mean, that's healthy. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you're you know, you're juggling the kids sometimes. And so what what happens not all the time, but enough times, that um he might be there for part of the call, and then maybe the beginning, the introduction, and um, and then he'll he'll leave to go take care of the kids. And sometimes he'll pop back in and sometimes he'll leave. You know, it just kind of depends on what they've got going on. Um, other times, you know, grandma has the kids or the or is you know, um lots of different ways. But I also say, like, don't don't worry if your kids are on screen because they know your parents, right? Like you had to be for the for the surrogate. She has to be a parent, right?

Who Sees Profiles First

SPEAKER_03

So right, like because we always do show up very, I won't say always, but more times than not, we're like, okay, poised and professional. It's kind of like a job interview, and it's like, okay, like here we go. So yeah, no, I I get that, but you're right, like in order to be a surrogate, you need to be a parent. So it's right, it's okay.

SPEAKER_01

And as you know, as long as she can concentrate on the call, um, it's it's you know, the kids are welcome to be there as well. Um yeah, it's uh it's personal to everyone depending on the age of the kids and and how much attention they need of her.

SPEAKER_03

Totally makes sense. Okay, so they're in the match call. How does that whole process uh work?

State Laws And Safe Matching

SPEAKER_01

Sure. Yeah. Um I start by saying that everyone is nervous, and everyone is nervous in the match call, right? Yeah, you've seen everyone's you've seen each other's information on the profile, but now this is a a time that's really vulnerable, and we're gonna dig into everything a little bit deeper. And it's vulnerable for both of you. And I would say at this point where you're in a match call, everyone wants to be liked, right? It's um through. Yeah. And so how I how I talk about it uh beforehand is I I send over some some tips and some some guidelines. Oh, and then I talk about this being your coffee date, your first coffee date. You're you're sitting down with someone who um maybe is a new coworker or you know, like in in trying to make it um different than this than this important meeting about a surrogacy journey. But I say, you know, think imagine that you're sitting down with someone for coffee, you're gonna ask those introductory questions. Um, and then as you kind of feel how that match meeting's going, then things go a little bit more deeply. And and I'm on the call, um, I would say almost a hundred percent of the time, I'm on the call. But I'll be on the call and I'll help guide. And so, but most of the time they don't really need me. Um, but I start with introductions. I have the parents talk about themselves first, and so we talk about where they live, what they do for work, um, a little bit about their families, right? Where do their families live? And um, and so they'll talk about their nieces and nephews or their friends with kids or you know what they do for work. And um, I don't know, it's just really lovely. And then at that time, if I see some nervousness, right, or some shyness, yeah, um, some short sentences, then I might bring up the how did you meet? Um, and that kind of brings smiles and a calmness to the to the meeting. And once we hear about them, then I go over to her and I I have them talk about themselves and where they live and their family, um, and what they do for work, etc., what they do for fun. You know, we dig into that, whatever hobbies. And lots of times there too, there's connections that nobody knew about before, right? Whether it's board games or basketball or hockey or you know, a certain author. Like we we've had so many different types of connections. And it's just people opening up and letting their True selves be present. Right. And that helps with connection. Right. So that's really lovely. Oh my gosh. And then after that, I talk about her pregnancies and I say, tell us a little bit about your pregnancies and how they went for you. And so then we go into each one and we talk about everything. And then at the end of that, um, when she's done talking about the pregnancies, I I talk about um, I see in your medical records that you followed all the doctors' instructions or that you um, you know, that really everything was uncomplicated. When you think about this next pregnancy journey, do you have any things that you'd like to do differently? Are there any um questions you have for the parents? I really opened that up because I I know that this is what happened in baby number one and baby number two. But with this pregnancy, do you hope for something different? And that could be like a different delivery hospital, that could be vaccinations, that could be pregnancy monitoring. I mean, I I don't know. But it's just opening that door to really have that conversation for them to say what their hopes are, and that's on the surrogate side first. And then I go over to that intended parents and I say, Do you have any special requests? Right. If if it was Kennedy, I'll say, Yeah, um, do you have any special requests for Kennedy during this pregnancy? And then thank goodness, most of them say, No.

SPEAKER_02

We trust that she knows how to do this, right?

SPEAKER_01

She knows how to do uh pregnancy well and and have an uncomplicated pregnancy. Um, every once in a while I'll have parents talk about diet. Um exercise. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I wanted to jump into that really quick. And I'm just gonna go ahead. Because, you know, the it's usually from those who are not in the community or those who are like are learning about it and they're like, oh my gosh. Like whenever I tell people all the story, they're like, Oh, so you had to eat really healthy, like you were forced to eat a certain diet. And I'm like, no, never. I got hamburgers all the time. I that is not true. For me, it wasn't true. Um, do so it's funny that you bring that up. Um is you know, because there is, you know where I'm getting at, like that organic life, like super like sometimes it's vegetarian or vegan or or whatever it is. So I'm curious, is that a very common request that you see?

SPEAKER_01

For us, um, with the parents that we currently have, I'd say less than 10% ask for that. That's not a lot. And then when I when I'm looking at those surrogate profiles, um that is uh something I'm looking at, right?

SPEAKER_03

Oh you're looking already if they're vegetarian or willing to go vegetarian, like that type of thing.

Match Call Structure And Icebreakers

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Or that they also have a strict diet. And so what I've found, and it's not like an exact science, but what I found is if the surrogate puts that on her profile, what she eats or how she exercises or she avoids this, yeah, that's telling me something about her because that's her own, that's her own response to the very open question. Yeah, it's like a normal thing when she's answering it, that's an indication that, oh, sh this might she might be a great match for this couple. And so then I dig into that a little bit deeper before I put them together on the match call. Okay, really don't want to surprise her about dietary restrictions, restrictions on the match call. Okay. But if they had special hopes for, you know, organic, you know, it we would we would um look at that more closely before I before we got them together on a call.

SPEAKER_03

That's very I feel like that's very reassuring. I think I feel like that's the first time I've heard that in a response to that question. Because I mean, I do have to I me personally, I do have to eat a very specific diet because my stomach hates me. So like I'm just very limited by things, like not by choice. But you know, it but it is um I was asked on a match call, like one time, could you eat organically? And I was like, Okay. Like they're like, we'll give you well, because oftentimes I do hear, and they did, they were like, we'll give you an extra, you know, stipend for you to just buy the organic broccoli, buy the organic this. And I'm like, okay, if that's gonna make you feel better, I'm still eating broccoli, like I don't care. Like, you know, so but um, yeah, okay, that's nice to know that like you're kind of like, I'm gonna read the profiles and not be like, hey, this person who's a straight up carnivore, we're gonna put her in a meeting with somebody who wants a vegetarian.

SPEAKER_01

That would be a little bit of a shock. Yeah, it really would be, and it would be hard to navigate after that. Right.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, like, oh, um, just go now.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it would be tricky. It would be tricky.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, I'm sorry. So if they if they if the parents do have, you know, special requests, um, or not requests, but um things that they would like to see maybe happen in this pregnancy, that's the time that they would say is after she gives her response, then they would give their response. Yeah. And then you work to to what? When does the yeah, how long are these calls?

SPEAKER_02

An hour.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, that's a lot of information to get done in an hour.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, it is, it is, it is, it totally is, right?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and it can go longer. Like there's room in my schedule to to go longer if it if it organically goes longer. I'm happy to to stay present with them. Um, what usually happens next is we talk about relationship. And so, you know, when when you think about some of the requests the parents might have, one of those questions might be, can we come to some of the appointments? Does it do we you welcome us to be present? Um, and depending on where the parents live and their availability to come, um they maybe will come to as many appointments as they can, depending on what works also for the surrogate. But we talk about the anatomy scan, and that that's a really um valuable appointment to come to, and that's actually worth the time, right? So it's two hours long. Usually those anatomy scans are two hours long.

SPEAKER_02

Are they? Yeah. No, don't you have one on Monday? I'm sorry, maybe they're shorter, maybe they're shorter, but not by far.

SPEAKER_01

Not by far. But um, so they're welcome to come to that appointment. And that's that appointment is much different than those queries. And they'll just that's a fun appointment.

SPEAKER_03

Not the nudge in the belly and hear the heartbeat, and we're out in two minutes. Like, yeah, that's not worth the plane ride. If you ask me, right? I completely agree. Yeah, like I can record that for you. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, and thank you for bringing that up. A lot of surrogates do record the ultrasound. Um, they do ask the doctor if they can, you know, have the parents on um the call. And you know, different doctors are gonna have different comfort levels, and I do agree that some of the appointments should be private to her. You know, it is her body, and I want her to be able to ask the questions if something's on her mind is to have that privacy with her physician. Yeah. So, you know, definitely bring them in when the time is right for her. Um, and if the doctor allows, but yeah, that's that's um so that conversation takes place. And then we talk about updates, you know, how often would the parents like to be updated? And then also, does that work for her? Is that something she's felt, you know, like a weekly update feels right for her, also? And so really talking about that and what does it really look like and how does it feel? Does it feel hard for her to think about also updating them, right? Or will it just be updating them after the appointment? You know, really just kind of seeing where everyone's at on that and what feels good. Um, and then that's during the pregnancy, during the journey, and then um also talking about the delivery room. I'm gonna ask, does that talk about?

SPEAKER_03

That's a big one.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, will she welcome them to the delivery room? And I always like say, you know, they're strangers to you today, but as this journey goes on, hopefully they're not strangers to you anymore, right? But that communication and that friendship has grown, and they're they're not strangers anymore. And so not knowing everything now, because we can't always see the future, correct? But you know, do you have thoughts or feelings around that? And um, and so you know, listening to what her what her hopes are around the delivery room and also listening to their hopes. Um, you know, and and most of the time, almost all of the time, from parents, I say we they say we want her to be comfortable, right? Whatever is most comfortable to her, we will honor her wishes completely. Yeah. Um, so that's nice.

SPEAKER_03

Very nice. It is nice. And when they ask, when I when I've been in meetings, I've always said, like, because you do just meet them and you're like, I might like you today, but I don't know if I'm gonna like you at the end of this. Like, I just I just speak for my own experience. But like, so I've learned to just be like, yeah, you know, as long as our relationship is healthy and organic, and you know, we get along and we can communicate and we have respect for one another, I am more than happy to welcome you into the room. Like this is this is your moment. Like, yes, oh, you know, and it's just because I can never give a guarantee. I'm like, whoo, I don't know guys.

Requests Like Diet And Exercise

SPEAKER_01

And I don't that's the thing about relationships, they're not a guarantee. They're not it's it's really um being thoughtful of the other person, considering them always. And that that is that is a relationship, you know. If you think about even your partnership with my my husband's in the in the other room, but even thinking about that, like I have to consider his opinion and his thoughts and his body, and you know, like I need to, especially in a pregnancy journey, consider right consider the other person.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, no, I I completely agree. Those darn men, no, I'm just kidding. Just kidding. Um, I do wonder, can really when you're in these meetings, can you tell? Because I'm assuming you've kind of talked to both of them aside, outside of the meeting, right? Yes. So can you tell if they're being I don't want to say like authentically them, but like, you know, them to a to a degree, and like that this match is in fact possibly a very good one. Or sometimes do you walk away being like, I don't know, maybe, maybe not.

SPEAKER_02

Like, I'm just curious. Yeah, great question.

SPEAKER_01

Um, the great thing is that most of the time we get it right, right? Okay, most of the time we put we put people together who really are gonna be a great match and and support for each other. Um, the uh there have been times um where the match meeting didn't feel as full as it could have, right? And so maybe people weren't as um forthcoming. Forthcoming but maybe also as vulnerable as they needed to be. Sure. Like that's a huge part. You didn't need to protect all of your words, right? You could just be you, yeah. And um and like I said in the very beginning, maybe that's also commonality, maybe that that part. And so part of it I think is nerves. Um nerves and it's kind of stressful, right? Um and then I think part of it is like wanting to make sure that they're I don't know, that they're not judged. It's just tricky. It's just tricky.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah. But it's it is like a job interview. It is put I hate to put it like that, but it is the same feelings and it's the same nerves, and it's like, yeah, oh my gosh, am I gonna get it? Like, are we are we gonna do this together? Are we not and then like both parties are in a job interview?

SPEAKER_01

And then also having the time to say, like, these are the questions I have for you. Yeah. And that's one of that's you know, that's kind of how we end the end the meeting, and and we're not quite quite there yet, but it we it we end the meeting by m circling back and making sure that all of their questions have been answered.

SPEAKER_00

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01

And sometimes I see even more of people during that, like opening the door to questions.

SPEAKER_00

Sure.

SPEAKER_01

Because then they'll say, like, okay, let me look at my list, and then, oh yeah, I want to circle back on this, right? Or I want to I want to ask this question. Um, Kennedy, another thing that we talk about in our match calls is um uh if an embryo splits. So yeah, we're we're doing single embryo transfers. Umly. For us, yeah. Okay. Um single embryo transfers, and so there's a 3% chance that that one embryo could split into two. And so I always get yep, it's not zero, but it's it's some it's close to zero, but it's not zero. So then we I go to the surrogate first and I say, if this embryo split into two, and this isn't the first time she's been asked if the second or the third time, first time on a call. Yeah, yeah, the first time on a video call. And so then we go over it and how would you navigate that? And and um, and then we go over to the parents and say, Is this also what you would like to do as well? They're you know, most of the time, I would say always, they're they they want to say yes, of course, if it's safe for her, if it's safe for her. And I love that too. I love when those questions come up because then they can revert back and show her I care about your safety and I care about your health. Yeah, right, yeah, not putting you at risk.

Appointments Updates And Privacy

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I do hear that in meetings too. I mean, again, I'm speaking from my own experience, but like that that is it, it is very comforting to hear because like I'm as much as I am in here to be a surrogate and like help you get a baby, yeah, like to Earth side, like it's it always was like, Oh wow, wait, this isn't trans at this moment in time, this isn't a transactional. You're not coming into this transactionally because you're saying, Well, we want you to be healthy and safe. Like, let's let's see, you know, like how that how you are, because you know, that comes first, and it's like, oh, and I I always, always, always valued people who said that. I've known a couple people who don't say that, and I'm like, next match meeting, please. So, but that is that's huge. So wow.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah. And then we do talk about termination on the call. I was gonna ask. And of course, of course, I've reviewed profiles and feelings before I put people together. So there this should not be a surprise to anyone. Everyone should already know the answers to that specific match. Okay, good. But I'll say, you know, a lot of our embryos are genetically tested, and so the exact almost the exact sentence I say is, um, these embryos have been genetically tested. We know as much about them as we can possibly know. Um, would you let the parents, you know, do you feel comfortable letting the parents make the decision around termination? And then they'll say yes or no. And then if it's a no, we talk, and this is done well in advance of the call, but we talk about where she's comfortable at with termination. And so then, and I've already explored that with the parents before I put them together on this call to make sure it's easy and comforting to know that.

SPEAKER_03

Oftentimes in the well, no, because like oftentimes in the in the I'm trying to put myself back. I haven't been in a math call in years, but like when you're in them, it's like do these people know what I'm gonna say? Like, I and I feel like I'm saying it for the first time. I'm like, these people have no idea what's about to come out of my mouth. They're they're gonna hate me after I say whatever it is, or they're gonna not agree with whatever it is. So it's nice to know that no, wait, we do have we do have these talks, and things are very well aware before we're like, let's throw you guys into a match meeting. That's very comforting to know.

SPEAKER_01

And and truly, like I want this match meeting to work for you as well, right? I want you to walk away saying, This is amazing, this is my person, or these are this is the family I want to help. Like, I I want this to be a time where you're excited and happy with the with the match. And if you're not, then um I I hold I'll hold you there too, right? It's this doesn't have to go forward if it's not a match for you, but really putting taking the time and putting people together that I know are gonna be in alignment on on the journey forward.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, no, I'm one good. You're you're one of the good ones. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I do know it it takes some homework on on my side, but it's worth it.

SPEAKER_02

Only imagine.

unknown

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

It's a lot more than homework.

SPEAKER_03

That's a lot of research. My goodness. But you guys talk about termination and then is that like the last hard conversation you have in the meeting?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, um, yeah, I would say it's the last hard conversation.

unknown

Okay.

Delivery Room Expectations

SPEAKER_01

And then, you know, we talk about staying connected after the baby and and what their hopes are for there. Um, so that's another it's not really a hard conversation, but it's yeah, you know, I want to make sure that that's explored. Yeah. Yeah. And then um and then we really just open it up to questions and we do talk about breast milk and pumping, um, but not on every call. Um, I do bring it up, but it's um sometimes parents don't know what they want to do. And so I always I always lean that over to the surrogate and say, you know, I know that um if you're open to pumping, I know that it might not work the same, you know, for pumping for with a baby that's not with you, right? And so so I know that it may not work. But if they do decide that they want this, are you open to exploring that? And then she'll say what her what her feelings are and if it actually worked for her in the past, right? It's not really about wanting to. Sometimes our bodies just don't work the way we want them to, and it's different per different pregnancies, right?

SPEAKER_03

100%. Yeah, I would always say, I mean, I never breastfed, but I'm my answer would always be I don't know, I'll I'll have to tell you when the baby's here. Yeah, because I just try. Yeah, not sure. Yeah, I won't know until that happens. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And if like prior pre-match, if a if a parent had said it's really important to me that she pump, okay, which is very rare. Actually, I don't have any parents that say that's the one most important thing. I don't have that. But if they had said that, then I would explore that with her before I put them on a match call.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. Yeah. And so just doing your thorough research before we're throwing everybody into a big pot.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I'm really I'm protective of people's feelings, like their emotions. I know that this takes the time to be on this match call. Yeah, and it's really vulnerable. And so my goal is to have this be the match. And so, like when you get together on a call, that this is your match. And so it does take a little bit of research before you you um get them together on that call just to make sure it's good, it's a good match for everyone.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, for sure. Well, and it's nice that you know everybody hopefully comes transparent.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And you know, I mean, especially if you're saying one if you're saying one thing to your coordinator, right? Yeah, I would assume it would be the same thing along the way. So it's not gonna really there shouldn't be any shock factors within it.

SPEAKER_02

Right, right.

SPEAKER_03

I um I'm gonna throw, I'm gonna throw a little example at you because I had a very big shock factor that turned my whole journey upside down. So I can't go super specific, but I can give enough information. So in a match call, um, it was just sprung like, hey, would you go see a special doctor um for such and such things, even though it's not necessary. I said, Well, if it's not medically necessary, no. And um should have known that that's when everything turned. But you know, when when something comes up like that and it was really strong on their end that they wanted this to be done, and I was very strong on their on my end saying no, no, no, you know, our coordinator seemed to have fibbed to both of us, maybe. I don't know. Terrible Kennedy. I don't know. So I'm just curious when when a my point of this question is when a little hiccup comes in the match call where it's like, oh, I'm that's not that's something new that you maybe you're hearing, right? Because you've talked to both, you've done the research and everything like that. How is that navigated? Sure. Sure.

Twins Risk And Termination Talk

SPEAKER_01

Um I would seek clarification there. So seeking clarification, making sure I understand what they're asking. And then um letting the surrogate know that she doesn't have to have the answers right now. So if she wants to do a little research on that, um, she can always come back with that. I'm happy to help her do the research, or she can do that independently or in addition to. Um so just digging in a little bit differently and looking at what that would mean. So if, and I'm just kind of just kind of randomly pulling this out, but what if the parents wanted her to do acupuncture or wanted her to have um I'm trying to just think of an additional therapy. What does that look like for her? What does the time look like? What is it where what what does it really look like? And yeah, and if she's you know, nobody really loves needles anyway. No, is it you know, what I would to I would take it kind of off the hot spot okay and and let it be researched on the side and then they would always come back.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. Well I love that answer. That's a that's it's a great way to to let everybody kind of like soak it in and be like it's for me. Let me I I can't give you a spot on answer right here right now because I haven't done the research.

SPEAKER_01

Like you said And I would save it and protect it because to the parents they've probably I mean and I'm not sure of the who what the extra therapy would be, but yeah at that point prior to that match call, they've probably done everything they can possibly do to become pregnant, right? Right. And so if someone told them to stand on their head they would do it, right? Because if that meant success then they would do it. Right. So so their lens is very different than a surrogate's lens who's not had pregnancy complications, not had struggles, right? Yeah and so so giving her the time to research it because for them maybe that feels normal to them because that's what they did. But to her she hasn't had that. So I would just take it out of the hot spot okay allow time for research off the call and then I would I would probably jump back in on you know the other items in the in the list so I might say like if I've if I've gone through everything on my list I might say are there any other questions on your on your list that you'd like to discuss and then let them look at that and then kind of like go away from that topic okay okay and then I go we'll circle back on that right I won't make sure that's not lost but we will take it off the call. And then I would go over to her and then if her spouse or partner is there then I would invite them for their questions too.

SPEAKER_03

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

So okay yeah that's that's a great that's a great way to it's comforting to know that it's comforting to know that yeah you know I don't always it's like I don't always bat a thousand but um yeah I try and I think that all of us have vulnerability and I remember when Don had asked me to do those match calls in the beginning and this is like almost four years ago but I thought I'm never gonna be able to navigate that awkward silence right like I'm how am I gonna navigate the awkwardness of something if it's awkward how do I fix it but now I love match meetings and and I actually just even talking about it to you I have like a little skip in my step like a little I just love them.

SPEAKER_03

It shows on your face like it's just like you're very passionate about it which is very sweet and you should be like it's a very matching is not an easy task. I mean like we all really hope and like dream that like it really is like you know I I'm gonna sign up to be a surrogate today and tomorrow I'm gonna get matched no like so not the case. Wish it was but thankfully all these steps are in you know there so that way it is a safe match it is a good match it you know that is everybody's end goal and so no I I think that that's wonderful.

SPEAKER_01

So when their match meeting is done is the match meeting done then when all the questions have been asked yeah when all the questions have been asked and some fun right there's some fun and there's some serious questions and there's some lighter questions. And then I'll say I don't want you to tell me now on the call I want you to to take some time um and come back to me with you know tonight tomorrow the next day let me know if this match feels right for you I'll communicate with the other one and then I then I also give them an update on where we are with the medical records review. So I'll say you know I sent your medical records out last week and so it takes this clinic three weeks usually and and so I'll get back in touch with you in the next two weeks and let you know what the clinic said and I kind of give them an idea of of what that timeline looks like.

Handling Surprise Requests Calmly

SPEAKER_03

And then I stop to say what the next steps are right so once you have a match meeting that everyone says yes you have a records review that the clinic says yes that's a match for everyone and then we can move forward in setting up escrow um signing all the documents with the agency and um moving on to in-person medical screening just get that ball rolling that's right that's right absolutely and we do work hard to keep that ball rolling yeah oh no for for sure I mean well once a surrogate I'm sure the IPs feel the same way because once that ball gets rolling we want to keep it rolling like we're gonna we're gonna push it up the hill if we have to ourselves that's right that's right no way do not lag on us that's right yeah oh and Kennedy I forgot to say one thing that we do connect the surrogates and the IPs together.

SPEAKER_01

So um with before with when after the match so after after it's an agreed upon match. So once the doctor says yes once the parents say yes and once the surrogate says yes that would put you all together and so you should Kimberly absolutely and so we you know support relationships connect them right at match call good you should you should because you know what it takes a you have to develop that relationship like you really do.

SPEAKER_03

It takes you can't just develop it overnight you need and you can't just develop it over nine months I mean you could surely try but like it's not a one night stand like it's you know like these people are you guys are in a very very very intimate journey absolutely and like you kind of need to know who's carrying your baby. Absolutely who are you carrying this baby for like absolutely I don't know it never seems to hurt to get to know somebody I completely agree.

SPEAKER_01

And um the what I want to hear also from the parents is I really do want to hear that they asked questions about her family. Like you know in my questions I ask about the pregnancy right and I do ask for the introduction but like circle back ask about her kids ask about you know their weekends what do they usually do I want to know that they care about her family as well as her that's very sweet.

SPEAKER_03

No and that's so true. I mean you're saying all the things that are green flags and that you should look for now if you know if it slips the mind like because you know they're so excited and like maybe they don't ask like one question here or there like it's not that doesn't mean it's a red flag you know it's just yeah yeah yeah yeah but yeah it's it's it's the nice little things and like vice versa like even if like intended parents had kids yes like are they excited to be a big sibling like you know it's just it can go both ways or oh is this I always liked asking is this the first grandchild like like you know like I would just always sometimes it is yeah and then that's just more love on this baby and it's like cool so it's you know it it can go both ways questions can go both ways really they can absolutely did we forget any I love this Kennedy thank you so much you made you made everything so natural and calm and I love it. I loved it thank you I love it and like I told you before we started I'm obsessed with your snow white voice like I could just I literally like it's so it no wonder you're you're in charge of match calls like you're like it's okay guys we don't like we're gonna be calm and like cool and I need you to put me to sleep every night this is just so so peaceful.

SPEAKER_01

It's really nice of you to say it's really nice of you to say yeah but no this is just like a wonderful way to do a match call yeah I love it and I let's why I love match calls yeah like I can't believe now that I was nervous to do match calls because I love it now. Now it's a a bucket filler for me. You know it really does make my it I love it. I can't imagine not doing them. Like I like it so much.

Next Steps After Everyone Says Yes

Where To Reach Us And Closing

SPEAKER_03

I mean how could you not like I'm sure like nine times out of ten it's like the I get off of a match call and I'm I'm on a high. I can't imagine how so the coordinator's like yes finally like all this research all this hard work like it's gonna happen like they're they love each other they're all willing to do it like that's just like a double whammy like you get double the joy and you feel like you you're seeing people in a vulnerable time and you're seeing them take care of each other and wow that is a really good feeling I love that it's it's so true. It's true it's so true. Oh wow oh my gosh this was just an absolute delight thank you you too you too it was really lovely thank you so much for having me oh my gosh anytime thanks for breaking down the match call I can't believe we have never done this I hope I hope it I hope it's helpful right no it it definitely will be you know we've had questions throughout the years and we've sprinkled them into podcasts but we've never I can't remember for the life of me sitting down and being like this is the process of a match call. We've had surrogates come on and be like this is how I was matched and things like that but to hear both sides I think is really helpful. I mean for me it's kind of like a breath of fresh air if I ever got to like go to a match call again being like oh okay so you guys already know all my answers we're good I'm not gonna scare anybody away right now. I think that's the big like that was my biggest fear is like I'm gonna scare somebody away like I have to be so proper and prim and like just you know just here like just perfect and like no I'm a mess and like but I'm a beautiful mess so why don't we why don't we just get on the messy train together I'm sure IP is very fun way. Oh yeah absolutely yeah yeah thank you again Kimberly this is wonderful wonderful thank you thank you too very much and now I my cheeks hurt from smiling so where can people find your agency on our website at us surrogacy.com okay perfect amazing well thank you Kimberly this has been lovely I will put it in the description so that way people can just click it and go check you guys out so wonderful thank you so much Kennedy yeah thank you have a great evening you too thank you oh my goodness well thank you so much Kimberly for that lovely breakdown of match calls I can't believe we've never done that before um definitely very insightful and um just yeah kind of like a breath of fresh air to know that you're not completely going in without anybody knowing anything. Maybe I'm the only one who felt like that. I could have been so forgive me. But if anybody has any questions or stories they would like to share please feel free to reach out to us on Instagram at stop period sit period surrogate or at our email at stop periodsitperiod surrogate at gmail.com and this has been another episode of StopsitSurrogate. See you guys next time bye before we wrap up a huge thank you to our sponsor US Surrogacy their support helps us continue to share real stories educate our community and connect families through the incredible journey of surrogacy thanks so much for tuning in to StopsitSurrogate where every story matters and every journey is worth sharing.

SPEAKER_00

We'll see you next time if you enjoyed this podcast be sure to give us a like and subscribe also check out the link to our YouTube channel in the description and be sure to also check out our children's book My Mom Has Superpowers sold on Amazon and Etsy