Ep 11 🍔 Burgers, Boulders🪨 & Blunders 🤭

Preserving YOUR identity in a relationship and marriage is important, because if you change who you are, you have changed who they initially fell in love with. And then what? Yet along with preserving the YOU in a WE scenario, I have never heard it said that a relationship or marriage didn’t work out because there was too much we, us, our, and togetherness. If those aspects cause a dissipation of the relationship, its the love that is crumbling and fracturing under the unproven foundation of how VITAL it is that we LIKE & ENJOY each other BEFORE we choose to “fall in love”. 

Remember….. Time+Experience=Relationship. 

Trust the process. 

Use the process. 

Engage the process.
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CONTENT CONTRIBUTORS:
Jay Shetty Podcast w/ Bob Proctor
BYURadio, The AppleSeed
@JillianTurecki
@DrAmyBKillen

Transcript

I realize that I am gonna be making some erratic lane changing with this episode, at least thats what the police officers in Mesa Arizona would call it. I have so many things I want to share and express. And some are humorous, some are life lessons, some are stories, some are a little preachy, but all of them are important to me in some way. I hope you enjoy the content and the potentially erratic shifts its takes from one episode to the other. There is always a time for giggles and sarcasm, I got plenty of that, as well as the serious and heavy discussions. Which i dont normally lean toward. Both are needed. Too much of one or the other isnt really a balanced meal of discussion. Today is a little more meat than normal. But i hope that you enjoy it. 

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Relationships are a hard thing for a lot of people. Yet its a hard wired desire that is impossible to deny. And why….well because life is sexually transmitted…thats why. Relationships have always been difficult for me. I’ve been married twice and divorced twice. High school relationships were difficult for me. My expectations were all over the place, and so were my heart aches. Those dang hair band 80’s songs weren’t helpful. I feel like an expert in relationships for all the wrong reasons. I literally have a bachelors degree in the relationship school of hard knocks. But I am not here to complain. I know a few things that I couldn’t have learned otherwise. Its definitely not the years for me, but absolutely the miles. I remember one night after a dance, I was feeling like I needed to be “going out” with someone. Which was the thing to do in that decade. So as i drove a particular girl home that i had a crush on, and walked her to the door, i frankly said, “Hey, you wanna go out with me?” She knew what i meant, but she seized on the double meaning in an effort to escape my awkwardness, “No, its too late tonight?” And she quickly closed the door. Yeah, that was my adolescent experience one after the other. 

Yunno, I am the guy who cant remember while standing in line at In & Out Burger whether the grilled onions and special sauce is called monster style or animal style or something else. So in desperation to look like i know something i just blurt out whatever comes to mind. Uh, can you give me the double cheeseburger doggy style. Yeah, that went over good. I was lucky she didnt throw my burger on the ground and say here, this is how you wanted it, right? It took me a few weeks before i could laugh at myself on that one. One of my acquaintances recently asked her daughter if she wanted a grilled cheese sandwich, and then 10 minutes later the daughter complained, I cant eat this, the cheese is melted. 

None of us is or had perfect parents. Some, as I, were raised by a generation who just didn’t talk openly, intentionally or clearly about relationships or anything related to fowls and buzzing honey making insects. Yet, as I have determinedly realized as a dad, “if you didnt come from a healthy family, make sure a healthy family comes from you.” So we talk about things. Everything. The conversation is wide open. I initiate a lot of them. And I certainly dont leave any of them hanging when started by my kids. They need age appropriate and solid answers. Cause they can either hear them from dad or google. What’s that, do i trust google’s morals and standards for my kids, oh yeah sure (wink wink), and Milli Vanilli sang their own songs. 

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Jordan Peterson calls it “Trustful conflict”. And this Trustful Conflict is important and vital in a relationship or a marriage or a connection or the best of friendships. My motto is that I will only get angry at you if there is something that risks your life or something I feel is at risk for your soul. Otherwise it needs to be talked out, discussed, or its something to be patient about. 

Like the time my best friend showed up for lunch, and I could smell what I thought was alcohol on her breath. I didn’t say anything initially, which I should have, because she had to drive home after we had dinner together. 

I messaged her after I got home and asked her if she had been drinking? I told her if she had I would kick her butt, because I cared about her and I didn’t want her to make reckless decisions. She was a little confused, and then remembered that she had consumed a kombucha drink that morning, which absolutely made her breath smell like alcohol. 

It turned out to be a harmless situation, but a lesson was learned about each other. She realized that I was serious about jealously protecting her, even if it meant that I’d be protecting her from herself. And she does the same thing to me. Those are the friends you never want to lose. Those are the friends you want to fight for. Those are the friends you want to wait for. Those are the friends who will “Lift & Move” the boulders of life with you. 

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I heard a telling phrase recently from the conversation of two people who seriously are in “like” with each other. She said to him “When I think about what I like about you.. and liking you… I feel my heart landsliding into falling in love.”

I will absolutely be talking about this “Like & Enjoy” concept around love much more in an upcoming episode. But just a teaser, “Like & Enjoy” are inseparable from a healthy and lasting relationship. And love cannot survive without them. 

Well, Bob Proctor has expressed, “Attraction/Love is almost synonymous with ignorance. Attraction is a secondary law. The primary law is the law of vibration. The only thing we can attract to us, is that which is in resonance with us.” 

In life as well as relationships we diagnose what vibrational frequency we are on by the results that we are getting. And if we dont do our homework in a relationship, then the results will produce that same level of carelessness. I know, because trial and ERROR has proven this for me again and again. 

Now healthy & sustainable love can only sprout from the foundational soils of “liking & enjoying” each other. Remembering that truth makes Bob Proctor’s comments much more sensible, when he said “I think that love is resonance. When two people are “in love” they are on the same frequency intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Most people that get married are not “in love”. They’re in habit. When two people are “in love” with you they ENJOY thinking about the same ideas. The conscious mind deals with ideas. They get emotionally involved with the same ideas, so they’re setting up the same vibrations. Their heart is on the same frequency. And physically they enjoy doing the same things. They have a great physical connection. That’s when two people are “in love”. They’re in harmony intellectually, emotionally and physically.”  

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There’s an equation that was shared with me years ago by my Uncle Glen Grygla who spent his career counseling married couples. Its impossible for me to forget the equation or the importance of its parts. And that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Not to mention the obvious that the individual parts can NOT be replaced without losing the entirety of the sum. 

TIME + EXPERIENCE = Relationship

In thinking about this equation I am reminded of a fable told by Clare Murphy called “The Marriage Boulder”, that epitomizes what we all seek in the “together’s, we’s, our’s, & us’s” in a relationship.

A young lad was at a community dance with his friends, when this dashing woman walked in. You know the kind of attraction that weakens the knees, and regrettably…pretty much ignores all logic. Well with that attraction, He floated over the dance floor to say “hi” and ask her for a dance. She replied “I guess so”. They danced, sparks flew, numbers exchanged and a courtship began. After a bit of time the boy wanted her to meet his father. As they were visiting at the fathers house, he invited them both out into his back yard, with the beautiful landscaping of shrubs, planters, hedges and a boulder. The father looked at the son and said, “you really like this girl dont you?” He replied “Oh yes dad, she’s the one.” “Oh ok”, the dad said, “can you do me a favor? Go and get me that boulder?” 

“You want me to pick up that boulder and bring it to you?” The boy questioned. “Yes please”. The dad replied. Well not wanting to disappoint his father, or to show physical weakness in the company of this “love of his life” the young man went over and haphazardly hefted at the boulder, but couldn’t budge it. The dad turned to the girl and said, “Do you really want to marry a guy like this?” She put her head down and softly said “no” and walked away. 

Well, you can imagine that this young man was dejected, upset with his dad, and embarrassed that he couldn’t muster the test his father had subjected him to. So after leaning into his frustrations The boy started working out, lifting rocks and exercising his back and legs so as to be ready for any other potential suitor encounters with his father. 

Eventually, at a dance, Another young woman was met who was kind, she had long hair, was soft spoken, and she was really sweet to him. As their courtship progressed he took her to meet his father. And again the test was required of the boy. This time he mustered more strength than ever before, but He was only able to hoist the rock slightly out of the ground before it fell back to the earth. His father then asked the girl, “is this really a guy you can trust to provide for you and protect you?” She also quietly responded “no”, and walked away. 

The boy was now more than ever feeling inadequate and dejected. It took his friends a lot of encouragement for him to finally attend another dance. And he had no interest in looking anymore, because it was just too painful to find someone and then have his fathers initiation crush all of his dreams. As he stood there with his lost interest…he heard some laughter, the laughter of a girl. And as he looked next to him, their eyes met, and she said “hi”, and he said “hi”. As they spoke he made funny remarks, and she laughed. Oh he liked that. He asked her to dance, and she said “yes please”. They talked as they danced, they enjoyed each other‘s company. They liked each other. When he said silly things, she laughed more. And her laughter was so beautiful to his heart. He asked if he could call on her the next day and maybe they could go for a walk? she said “oh yes, I would really like that”. So they begin spending time together, and he began looking for ways to make her laugh. 

Eventually the time came when he knew that she would need to meet his father. So with legitimate trepidation he asked her, “I would like you to meet my father, would that be OK?” She responded, “yes, I would like that”. “Ok, i guess ill pick you up tomorrow then.” So the next day, they were in his dads back yard with the same grass, hedges, flowers, and that dang boulder. After the formalities ended, and on cue, the father asked the boy for the favor of bringing the Boulder to him. By this time the boy knew what was coming and was already halfway across the yard to the Boulder. He positioned himself properly, looked into the eyes of this young girl, lowered his stance, locked his thighs and straightened his back, then he took his best grip on the Boulder and lifted with all of his might. He was more determined than ever as he grunted and strained, and just as he was losing his strength he saw a shadow pass near him, and two hands grabbed the other side of the boulder. He looked up, and it was the girl who had come to help him. Together they hoisted that boulder and carried it to where the father was sitting. And the father replied, “now that’s a girl you want to marry.”

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What boulders are there in relationships?

There’s Patience? There’s Time & Healing? Understanding? Learning? Growing?

“Some of us never learned that (1) someone could be angry with us and still love us. (2)That someone could want space and also be totally committed. Some of us learned that anger and space meant love was going to be taken away.” And thats a difficult boulder to learn to maneuver.

@JillianTurecki

Jillian also stated that “A conscious relationship is not made up of two people free of their past. A conscious relationship is created by two people who have studied their past and understand what patterns contributed to the dysfunction of their former relationships. When we pick a partner, we pick their story. So, as a conscious person in a relationship, we are not only responsible for our chaotic inner child, but we are also responsible for helping our partner get a little lighter and heal from their story. This is not codependency, this is compassion.” And I would add to Jillian’s comments, these are the boulders of a healthy and loving relationship. 

We have to determine if we are willing, capable and available to move boulders with someone?

Are you emotionally available? 

Are you mentally present and spiritually ready to heft the boulders required in relationships? 

If not, wait. 

Prepare yourself. 

And…please come back…when you are ready. 

How do you help to lift the boulders in your friendships, relationships, or marriage?

Why are boulders important for sifting out those who are not willing to “lift & move” with us? 

What are you willing to do? 

What are you willing to change? 

What are you willing to become?

Healthy relationships need boulders. They need arguments. They need trustful conflict. Healthy relationships need “we, us, our, & together” moments. 

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You know Preserving YOUR identity in a relationship and marriage is important, because if you change who you are, you have changed who they initially fell in love with. And then what? Yet along with preserving the YOU in a WE scenario, I have never heard it said that a relationship or marriage didn’t work out because there was too much we, us, our, and togetherness. If those aspects cause a dissipation of the relationship, its the love that is crumbling and fracturing under the unproven foundation of how VITAL it is that we LIKE & ENJOY each other BEFORE we choose to “fall in love”. 

Remember, Time+Experience=Relationship. 

Trust the process. 

Use the process. 

Engage the process.